


Build Me Up Buttercup

by Spiderlass



Category: Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Amanda Grayson survives Vulcan, Autistic Character, Eating Disorders, Episode Reboot, Explicit Sexual Content, Kid Fic, M/M, Neurodiversity, Sarek does not, Slow Burn, Tarsus IV, playing hard and loose with canon here, rating will eventually go up, sorry Sarek, specific episodes will be listed in notes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-23
Updated: 2018-04-16
Packaged: 2019-04-07 03:00:21
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 176,940
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14071473
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Spiderlass/pseuds/Spiderlass
Summary: Jim had always sort of known that karma would catch up with him one day. After all the shit he’d pulled, he’d have been more surprised if someone up there didn’t eventually go “welp, that’s long enough” and end his streak of good luck.He’d expected to make it a little longer than twenty, though.He also hadn’t expected karma to catch up with him in the form of a three-week-old baby girl with pointy ears.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Firstly, this is almost entirely my mom's fault, in that she passed down her love of Star Trek onto me.  
> Secondly, this fic plays hard and loose with some established elements of canon- mostly with Vulcan stuff, especially regarding the v'tosh ka'tur. My explanation- reboot universe, my dudes, nobody said everything needed to be exactly the same.  
> Thirdly, this mostly exists because I am both a schmoop monster and wanted to see if I could better integrate aspects of TOS!Jim into Reboot!Jim. This is the result, and I have no idea if it's good, but it was fun.  
> Enjoy!

**2253.215**

Jim had always sort of known that karma would catch up with him one day. After all the shit he’d pulled, he’d have been more surprised if someone up there didn’t eventually go “welp, that’s long enough” and end his streak of good luck.

He’d expected to make it a little longer than twenty, though.

He also hadn’t expected karma to catch up with him in the form of a three-week-old baby girl with pointy ears.

Jim’s mom exhaled loudly for what had to be the eighteenth time at this point. She’d been rubbing her temples, and Jim could’ve sworn that her hair was actually getting greyer by the second.

“Okay,” she started. “Okay. Jimmy.”

“Yes, Mom?”

“Tell me one more time. How, exactly, did you end up with a baby- a baby, mind you, that looks to be  _ half-Vulcan?” _

The baby stirred in Jim’s arms slightly, and he hushed her gently.

“Okay, um, well... y’know that girl I met last year? T’Vin?”

“I remember you making goo-goo eyes at her for two hours at the symposium.” His mother quirked an eyebrow. “I also remember telling you that a snowball’s got a better chance in hell than you charming the pants off a Vulcan.”

Jim grinned sheepishly.

“Yeah, uh, well... about that...”

“... James Tiberius Kirk.”

“I know, I know. It was irresponsible, but she kept talking about this- this vee-tosh kah-tor thing, and how emotions were supposed to be embraced and-!”

“Okay! Okay, I get it, you don’t need to go into more detail.”

At some point, the baby had wrapped her tiny little hand around one of Jim’s fingers, and he could hear her thoughts through the... T’Vin had called it a “parental bond,” which was weird, but he kind of liked knowing her thoughts, although they weren’t much more than “warm,” “safe,” and “love,” at this point.

He couldn’t help but smile down at her, brushing a few dark strands of hair away from her forehead.

He heard his mother sigh again.

“Oh, Jim...”

“I... I know it’s sudden, Mom, but...” He smiled again. “I don’t think I could give her up. Not now.”

After a long moment in which Jim didn’t dare to breathe, she sighed again.

“If you’re gonna keep her, then you’re gonna have to learn how to take care of a Vulcan baby.”

Jim couldn’t help but grin.

“Don’t worry, Mom, T’Vin left plenty of tips before she went off to do... uh... cole-in-ar?”

“And you’re probably gonna need to learn Vulcan, too. She’s half-Vulcan, so she should know  _ something  _ about her own culture.”

“Yeah, yeah, I got it.”

“And Jim?”

“What, Mom?”

His mom arched an eyebrow.

“Don’t you think there’s one more thing she needs?”

“Uh... diapers?”

“Jim. A name?”

He blinked, then laughed sheepishly.

“Sorry, Ma...”

“Don’t apologize to me, apologize to her. Were you just gonna keep calling her the baby all her life?”

“Wh- No, of course not! It just... slipped my mind.”

His mom quirked her eyebrow again, which meant that she didn’t believe him for a second, but since the baby had finally woken up all the way, Jim really didn’t have the time to care about that. 

Not when his baby girl was looking at him with such curious blue eyes.

“... Alice.”

His mother seemed surprised.

“Alice?”

“Yup. I like Alice.” He leaned down, pressing a kiss to her forehead. She squealed in delight. “And I think she does too.”

His mom sighed.

“Man, you’re already wrapped around her little finger, aren’t you...”

 

* * *

 

**2255**

Jim sighed heavily as he sat down in the transport, rubbing his temples and wincing at the fear and panic buzzing in the back of his head.

_ Dada dada dada where are you where did you go come back dada miss you come back dada dada DADA _

His heart ached with guilt. By far, saying goodbye to Alice had been the hardest part of this adventure so far. No matter how many times he’d assured her that he’d see her again in a few hours, or how much she loved her grandmother, the fact was that at just under two years old, she was still going through some pretty bad separation anxiety. He couldn’t really blame her- having your mom dump you with a strange man and leaving forever couldn’t be easy, especially when you haven’t quite got a handle on object permanence yet. 

He really wished Starfleet would have let him take her with him on the transport. At least he’d have had something to distract him from the looks he was getting. He just knew that they’d all figured out who he was by now, and it was making his stomach churn to think about how they all probably assumed he’d be just another legacy, costing by on the memory of a father he’d never even known.

Yeah. He could really use an Alice hug right now.

“You okay?” 

“Eh? Oh.” He smiled at the cadet he’d met last night- she’d told him her name was Uhura after he’d tried to get some jackass to back off. He’d ended up getting punched in the face, and she’d ended up kicking their asses, but she seemed to appreciate the sentiment. “Yeah, I’m fine, just... I, uh, I have a daughter, and she was not happy when we said goodbye. I’m gonna see her again in a few hours, but... I dunno, I just feel kinda guilty.”

Uhura blinked, clearly surprised.

“You’re a parent? You?”

“Yeah, I was as surprised as you are when I found out. But yeah, I’m a dad. Her name’s Alice.” Jim dug around in his pocket until he found the photo of her he always carried around with him, handing it to Uhura. “That’s her.”

“Oh, she’s adorable! How old is she?”

“Almost two now. Already a little chatterbox.”

Uhura cooed again, then blinked.

“Uh... her ears... is she...?”

Jim sighed.

“Yeah, she’s half-Vulcan. It’s... a long story.”

“I see...”

The obvious question went unspoken, but Jim just knew she was dying to ask. Everyone always asked, always wanted to know that one thing.

_ “Is she, y’know... healthy? Given her physiology?” _

Jim understood the curiosity, really he did. After all, everyone knew about the story of poor Elizabeth T’Les Tucker, the first alien-Human hybrid who’d died within a month of being born. What everyone seemed to forget, though, was that Elizabeth was a binary clone rather than having been conceived the normal way, or with help, and her death was due to a flaw in the cloning process. There was nothing keeping a Human-Vulcan baby from being perfectly healthy.

Especially since, y’know, Elizabeth had lived a hundred years ago anyway, and by now there was at least one fully grown Human-Vulcan hybrid out there, though damned if Jim could remember his name. It had come up when he’d been looking into possible issues, as all worried new parents probably did, but all he could remember was that it started with “Sp” and ended with “k.”

Speck, maybe? No, what parent would be that cruel?

... He thinks, after having named his daughter Alice Georgina T’Vaakis Kirk.

“You need a doctor.”

“I told you people, I don’t need a doctor! Dammit, I  _ am  _ a doctor!”

Jim blinked as he lost his train of thought, glancing over at the transport’s restrooms. A flight officer was arguing with a disheveled-looking man, who was yelling about being afraid of dying in something that flies. The flight officer eventually won, and the man took the seat next to Jim just as Uhura handed Alice’s photo back, giving him a sympathetic look.

“I may throw up on you,” the man muttered by way of warning as he strapped in.

“Eh, don’t worry about it, I’m used to being thrown up on. Besides, I think these things are pretty safe.”

The man snorted.

“Don’t pander to me, kid. One tiny crack in the hull and our blood boils in thirteen seconds. A solar flare might crop up, cook us in our seats. And wait til you’re sitting pretty with a case of Andorian shingles. See if you’re still so relaxed when your eyeballs are bleeding.” He shook his head. “Space is disease and danger wrapped in darkness and silence.”

Jim glanced at Uhura, who just shrugged.

“Well, uh, I hate to break it to you, but Starfleet operates in space.”

The man sighed.

“Yeah, well, I got nowhere else to go. The ex-wife took the whole damn planet in the divorce.” He took out a flask he’d hidden somewhere in his jacket. “All I got left is my bones.”

The man took a swig from the flask, then offered it to Jim.

“Uh, no, thanks, I-!” Another wave of panic and despair rolled through his mind, making him wince. “Actually, yeah, that might help. Jim Kirk, by the way.”

“McCoy. Leonard McCoy.”

 

* * *

 

His mother and Alice were waiting when they got off the transport, and Jim knew the minute that his daughter saw him.

Partially because he could see her, and partially because he could feel her joy and hear her thoughts.

_ Dada dada dada you’re back you’re here dada love you dada don’t leave me again ever dada dada _

“Buttercup!” He cried as he ran over to them, scooping up his daughter in his arms and pressing a dozen kisses all over her face. “Oh, I missed you so much, honey!”

“It’s been five hours,” his mother commented. “Also, what am I, chopped liver?”

Jim rolled his eyes, leaning over and pressing a kiss to his mother’s cheek.

“Thank you, Mom,” he replied dutifully. 

“You’re welcome. Although, I might have to borrow her more often, y’know. Apparently I’m even scarier with an angry baby Vulcan on my hip.”

Jim bit back a laugh, then gave Alice a stern look.

“Buttercup, were you and Nana mean to any Starfleet officials?”

“Grrr,” Alice responded, giving Jim a stern look of her own before bursting into giggles. Jim laughed, pressing another kiss to her forehead.

“That’s my girl. Oh, hey!” He shifted Alice into one arm, waving to Bones and Uhura. “Guys! Over here!”

Uhura saw him first, smiling and waving back before grabbing Bones by the arm and dragging him along with her.

“Who’s that, Jimmy?”

“Well, Mom, it just so happens that they’re my new friends.”

His mother quirked an eyebrow.

“You made friends.”

“I can make friends!”

“Since when can you make friends?”

He opened his mouth to reply.

“Friends that you don’t sleep with, and that aren’t your baby daughter.”

He closed his mouth, pouting.

“You know, I think I see why most Starfleet officials are afraid of you, Ma.”

“Damn straight they are.”

Alice giggled, then turned toward the two new arrivals with a sound of curiosity.

“Buttercup, this is Cadet Uhura. Can you say hi to Uhura?”

“Hi!” She pointed at Uhura’s face. “Pretty!”

Uhura blinked in surprise before smiling beatifically.

“Well, aren’t you a little charmer? You can call me Nyota, sweetie.”

“Nyota!” Alice chirped.

“Wait, how come you told  _ her  _ your first name?”

“Cause she’s cute and charming.”

“I’m cute and charming!” Jim protested.

Uhura just rolled her eyes.

“Okay, well, as we’ve established, Uhura is a meanie-face-!”

“No, Dada! Pretty!” 

Uhura laughed, and Jim pouted.

“You’re supposed to take  _ my  _ side on stuff, buttercup.”

Alice stuck her tongue out at him, then giggled. Jim rolled his eyes.

“Fine, fine. Geez, I thought your rebellious phase would come later... anyway, that’s Uhura. And this fine gentleman over here is Bones.”

“It’s Leonard,” Bones corrected insistently.

“Bones, c’mon, she’s not even two yet. You really expect her to be able to say ‘Leonard?’”

“She just said Nyota!”

“Bones!” Alice chirped. “Bones, Bones, Bones!”

Bones blinked, then pursed his lips tightly, clearly trying to suppress a grin.

Jim smirked.

“Booooones,” he drawled, holding Alice out in front of him. “C’mon, Bones, you know you can’t resist Alice’s cuteness.”

“Bones!” Alice chirped again. 

Finally, Bones broke, grinning just a little.

“Alright, fine, I admit it. You’ve got a cute baby, kid.” He gave Jim a stern look. “Doesn’t mean I’m gonna let you call me Bones, though.”

“Eh, we’ll see about that.”

 

* * *

 

**2258**

Jim decided that he really,  _ really  _ didn’t like this- this  _ Commander Spock  _ douche.

Which was really too bad, since he was pretty sure that he was the guy that had been mentioned in the report he’d read on Human-Vulcan hybrids back when Alice was a baby. 

Of course, Spock was nothing like Alice. Alice was bright, exuberant, peals of excited laughter with bouncy brown curls and curious bright eyes. Spock was... reserved. Collected. Harsh, stoic criticism with black, straight hair and dark eyes full of distaste.

The biggest difference, though, was that his four-year-old daughter knew better than to bring up Jim’s dad.

This twenty-eight-year-old Starfleet Commander apparently didn’t.

“Your father, Lieutenant George Kirk, assumed command of his vessel before being killed in action, did he not?”

Jim grit his teeth, biting back a retort that would have gotten him expelled for sure.

“I don’t think you like the fact that I beat your test.”

“Furthermore, you have failed to divine the purpose of this test,” Spock continued as if Jim had said nothing at all.

“Enlighten me again.”

“The purpose is to experience fear. Fear in the face of certain death. To accept that fear, and maintain control of oneself and one’s crew. This is a quality expected in every Starfleet captain.”

Jim glared at the commander, his anger dissipating just a little when he felt a wave of concern in the back of his head.

_ Daddy? Are you okay? You’re really angry. _

_ Daddy’s fine, buttercup. Don’t worry. _

“Cadet Kirk? Your response?” 

Jim blinked, grinning a little sheepishly.

“A-Ah, um, sorry. I-!”

Just then, a messenger entered the room, interrupting whatever Jim would have said. Within seconds, the hearing was dismissed, with all cadets ordered to respond to some crisis on Vulcan.

“Who was that uptight bastard?” Jim muttered when Bones joined him.

“I dunno, but I like him. Woulda thought you would too, considering what he’s got in common with your kid.”

Jim rolled his eyes.

“Not all half-Vulcans are alike, Bones.” He gestured in the general direction that Spock had gone. “Quite frankly, if not for the ears and the complexion I wouldn’t have believed they were the same species.”

Before Bones could reply to that, Nyota ran up to them, clapping both of them on the shoulder and pushing them towards the door.

“Come on, you two, no time for gossip. We’re supposed to leave in the next ten minutes!”

“Alright, alright-! Wait, shit, I need to call my nanny if I’m going off-planet!”

“Call her while we’re moving, now hurry up!”

 

* * *

 

By his own count, Spock had not hugged his mother in eighteen point three nine years. He had argued that he was a Vulcan, and Vulcans do not hug, therefore there was no logical reason for his mother to embrace him anymore.

His mother had looked... deeply saddened, but conceded the argument.

He did not feel saddened by this. He was a Vulcan, and therefore he could not feel saddened by anything.

Logically, he could not feel joy, either. And yet, in this moment, with his mother’s arms wrapped tightly around his torso as they rematerialized in the transporter, he had no other explanation for what this warmth in his chest was. 

His mother was shaking, whimpering. He could not properly ascertain why, until he finally realized what was missing.

He could no longer feel his father’s presence in the back of his mind. He reached, but there was no response. 

Spock turned, but the place where his father should have been standing was empty.

All at once, an overwhelming wave of emotion overtook him. The bonds in his mind were screaming, crying out so loudly even from so far away.

_ Anguish. Guilt. Regret. Relief. Triumph. _

Sybok. 

_ Pain. Pain. Pain. Realization. Anguish. Despair. _

Michael.

_ Heartbreak. Anguish. Fear. Relief. Guilt. Anger. _

His mother.

“Spock,” she whispered. “Spock, look at me, please.”

Spock found that he could not comply with that request. The crew members present in the transporter room were all staring at him. Ensign Chekov looked as though he was taking personal responsibility for this. Lieutenant Sulu’s eyes were full of something that Spock realized must be sympathy.

Cadet Kirk-

He did not have time to measure the cadet’s reaction, as he suddenly lurched forward, gripping at the console in front of him.

“Kirk?” Sulu inquired, putting a hand on his shoulder.

“S’okay, s’okay, y-you’re okay, buttercup,  _ please,  _ you’re okay-!”

It was at this point that Kirk collapsed. Spock quietly ordered that he be taken to sickbay with the rest of the- the survivors.

“Spock, please-!” His mother started as he headed toward the turbolift. He held up a hand to stop her.

“Mother, I realize that you are concerned. However, I am fine.”

“Fine has variable definitions. Fine is unacceptable.”

He turned toward her, arching an eyebrow.

“A logical statement.”

_ “You  _ stated that. When you were  _ eight.” _

“It remains true. However, in this instance I am... stable.” He stepped into the turbolift. “Please report to sickbay. I must procure a change of uniform before assuming my duties as the acting captain.”

The doors of the turbolift closed before his mother could respond to that.

 

* * *

 

Jim was still flat on his ass long after the creepy giant insect...  _ thing  _ had run off. He was panting hard, trying his hardest to catch his breath.

Alice had gone quiet at some point, though Jim could still feel her in the back of his mind. His heart ached with the memory of her anguish and confusion; as smart as Alice was, she was still only four, far too young to understand the pain of losing a home she’d never known.

He needed to get home. He needed to see her, to hold her tight, he needed to get out of this cave and back onto the Enterprise and probably punch Spock in the face a couple of times, he needed to-!

There was a man holding a torch in front of him.

Alright. Right now he needed to figure out who the hell was in the cave with him and if they wanted to kill him or not.

Just then, the man turned, revealing himself to be an old Vulcan.

A strangely familiar old Vulcan, whose eyes had widened like saucers when he saw Jim. He saw warmth, relief, surprise, and something strangely tender in those brown eyes, and he wasn’t sure if that creeped him out or comforted him.

“James T. Kirk.”

Jim blinked.

“Um. Ex... Excuse me?”

“How did you find me?”

Jim frowned, slowly getting to his feet.

“H-How do  _ you  _ know my name?”

The old Vulcan’s eyes crinkled, and somehow Jim knew that he’d be smiling if he were human.

“I have been, and always shall be, your friend.”

Jim blinked again, then chuckled awkwardly, taking a step back.

“Um... n-nice to meet you too, I guess? Cause I really,  _ really  _ don’t think I know you.”

“I am Spock.”

Jim blinked, then looked the old Vulcan over.

“Bullshit.” The word was out of his mouth before he could stop it.

The old Vulcan- who was  _ not  _ Spock- hummed, his eyes crinkling again as he turned away, gesturing for Jim to follow.

Jim wasn’t entirely sure why he followed, but hey, it was either follow not-Spock or try to brave the frozen wilderness outside.

“It is remarkably pleasing to see you again, old friend,” Not-Spock told him after he brought him to a little alcove and made a little campfire. “Especially after the events of today.”

Jim really wanted to scoot away from him, but the fire was warm and he was finally starting to be able to feel his fingers and toes again.

“Sir, I... I really appreciate what you did for me today, really I do, but uh, if you  _ were  _ Spock, then you’d know that we’re not friends. At all. You  _ hate  _ me. You marooned me here for mutiny.”

Not-Spock’s eyebrow arched in a strikingly Spock-esque fashion.

“Mutiny?”

“Yes.”

“You... are not the captain?”

Jim blinked, then sighed.

“No, uh,  _ you’re  _ the captain. Pike was taken hostage.”

“By Nero.”

Jim paused, fixing his gaze on not-Spock.

“... What do you know about him?”

“He is a particularly troubled Romulan.” Not-Spock got up and walked over to Jim. “Please, allow me. It will be easier.”

The old Vulcan started to reach for Jim’s face, and he lurched back.

“Uh... what are you doing?”

“Our minds, one and together.”

Jim was a bit too distracted by how that was almost exactly how T’Vin had described his bond with Alice to stop not-Spock from touching his face.

“One hundred and twenty-nine years from now, a star will explode and threaten to destroy the galaxy.”

Suddenly, Jim’s mind was filled with images, not-Spock- no,  _ definitely  _ Spock’s voice telling him about the destruction of future Romulus at the hands of a supernova, how he’d stopped said supernova thanks to something called red matter, but created a black hole that led both him and Nero back in time, where Nero swore revenge. He saw the destruction of the Kelvin, this old Spock being captured and marooned on Delta Vega, where he saw Vulcan be destroyed again.

But there was something else. Other memories leaked into his head, and Jim saw- he saw his own face, a little older, with brown eyes instead of blue. Laughing, smiling, arguing, fighting, crying, but more than anything else-  _ loving. _

It was another life. Another life, full of joy and adventure and... and happiness.

Happiness with  _ Spock,  _ of all people.

Suddenly, the visions ended; Jim gasped as he came back to himself, his head throbbing a little. His eyes were wet, and he sniffed, wiping at them as surreptitiously as he could.

“Forgive me. Emotional transference is an effect of the mind-meld.” Spock was looking at him with a fair amount of shock, which Jim was pretty sure wasn’t from him. “You are... forgive me, but when I looked into your mind, I sensed the presence of a telepathic bond.”

Jim blinked.

“Of- of course there’s one. It’s Alice.”

Spock blinked, looking surprised even by Human standards.

“Alice?”

“Yeah, Alice. My daughter?” Jim quirked an eyebrow, then dug the slightly-wrinkled picture of Alice out of his pocket to show him. “If we were as close as you claim, I’d think you’d recognize her.”

Spock’s brow furrowed.

“... Jim. I must confess that... I have never seen this child before in my life.”

Jim blinked, his mouth falling open.

“You... you what?”

“It seems that it is not our only friendship that has been altered.”

“Altered? You mean... going back in time, you changed all our lives.”

It was a little harder to breathe, suddenly. He was vaguely aware that Spock was speaking, but the words seemed far away and muddled, warped as if he were underwater.

She hadn’t existed. Before, back where-  _ when  _ this Spock came from, his Jim had never had Alice. He’d never gotten to see her smile, or tell- well,  _ try _ to tell- a joke, or laugh, or woken up with her hair in his face and her clinging to him like an octopus, but not even caring because he loved her  _ so much. _

But... if this Spock came from another timeline, then maybe...

“Wait. Where you come from, did... did I know my father?”

Spock paused for a moment, something like sympathy flashing in his eyes.

“Yes. You often spoke of him as being your inspiration for joining Starfleet. He proudly lived to see you become captain of the Enterprise.”

“Captain?” He kind of liked the sound of that. Captain James T. Kirk...

But.

“But I didn’t have Alice, did I?”

Spock shook his head.

“You did not.”

“You’re sure? There’s no way he could have... that I could have kept her from you?”

Pain, sadness, and a little bit of anger flashed in the old Vulcan’s eyes.

“Jim. If you had been at all aware of her existence, there is no way I would not have known.”

Great. So either Alice didn’t exist, or he never knew her.

Yeah. Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise wasn’t worth that cost.

With a small sigh, Jim started to follow Spock again, wishing more than anything that he could just go home and see his daughter, because an Alice hug sounded really good right about now.

 

* * *

 

“You wanted to see me?”

Spock turned, then rose out of his chair.

“Yes, Doctor. I am aware that James Kirk is a friend of yours,” Spock said as he and McCoy walked to a more private part of the bridge, “and I recognize that supporting me as you did must have been difficult.”

McCoy scoffed.

“Is that a thank you?”

“I am simply acknowledging your difficulties.”

McCoy gave him a hard look.

“Permission to speak freely, sir.”

“I welcome it,” Spock replied as they came to a stop.

“Do you? Okay, then.” McCoy glared at him as he leaned in slightly. “Are you out of your Vulcan mind?”

Spock blinked.

“Pardon?”

“Are you making a logical choice sending Kirk away? Probably. But the right one? You know, back home, we got a saying. ‘If you’re gonna ride in the Kentucky Derby, you don’t leave your prize stallion in the stable.’”

“A curious metaphor, Doctor, as a stallion must first be broken before it can reach its potential.”

McCoy looked rather disgusted.

“My god, man, you could at least act like it was a hard decision!”

“I intend to reestablish communication with Starfleet. However, if crew morale is better served by my roaming the halls weeping, I will gladly defer to your medical expertise.”

McCoy snorted.

“Should’ve guessed  _ you’d  _ be fine. You’re not the one who has to tell a four-year-old girl her daddy’s been marooned on a frozen wasteland when we get back.”

Both of Spock’s eyebrows rose, but before he could inquire as to what McCoy meant by that statement, the doctor stormed off muttering something about a “hobgoblin.”

How strange. Spock had read Kirk’s file thoroughly in preparation for the academic hearing, and yet there was no mention of him having a child. 

He did not have much time to ponder this further, as his mother arrived on the bridge soon after McCoy’s departure, and she resumed trying to speak with him about his father’s death.

She was still under the mistaken impression that he needed to talk about it, it seemed. 

Spock, of course, had no time for such illogical behavior. He had a ship to run.

And there was nothing his mother nor the mystery of Kirk’s alleged offspring could do to dissuade him from that mission.

 

* * *

 

A shiver that had nothing to do with the cold ran up Jim’s spine as they entered the outpost.

“Okay, spooky green lighting, that’s cool. Nothing ominous about that, not at all.”

Someone yelled in a language Jim didn’t quite understand at the other end of the hall. He looked at Spock, who simply arched an eyebrow and gestured at the hall. He sighed, then took a deep breath.

“Hello!”

Metal clanking, followed by something appearing in the doorway at the other end and running to them.

Something green and scaly that was about a head taller than Alice, as it turned out. The creature stared at them when it arrived, pulling off its goggles to reveal its beady little eyes. It said nothing, turning and motioning for them to follow it back down the hallway.

“Okay. Now there’s a weird tiny creature leading us somewhere. Totally doesn’t feel like a horror movie at all.”

Spock’s eyes crinkled again, amusement flashing in his eyes.

“You seem to have a habit of narrating things.”

Jim flushed, wrapping his arms around himself.

“Well, y’know, Alice was a baby once, and, and you’re s’posed to narrate stuff to them when they’re little...”

“I did not say that I found it displeasing, Jim. I simply meant that it was not a habit you ever exhibited before.”

Jim blinked, but before he could respond, the creature turned into a room- actually, it was more like a poorly maintained lab. It walked up to a desk, where a man was asleep in a chair, and smacked his shoulder.

“What?” The man groaned as he sat up, his eyes going wide when he saw Jim and Spock. However, his expression quickly turned unamused. “You realize how unacceptable this is?”

Spock arched an eyebrow, seeming almost happy for some reason.

“Fascinating.”

“What?”

“Okay, I’m sure you’re just doin’ yer job, but could you not have come a wee bit sooner? Six months I’ve been here, living off Starfleet protein nibs and the promise of a good meal! And I know exactly what’s goin’ on here, okay? Punishment, isn’t it? Ongoing. For somethin’ that was  _ clearly  _ an accident-!”

“You are Montgomery Scott,” Spock interrupted, sounding inordinately pleased.

“Wh- You know him?”

“Aye, that’s me. You’re in the right place. Unless there’s another hard working, equally starved Starfleet officer around.”

Jim tried not to flinch at the word “starved,” pushing down memories of that horrible, horrible year. Thankfully, Spock didn’t seem to notice, and Scott and the creature had started to argue.

“But you’re here now, so... thank you. Where is it?”

“You are, in fact, the Mr. Scott who postulated the theory of transwarp beaming.”

Scott scoffed.

“That’s what I’m talking about. How d’ya think I wound up here? I had a little debate with my instructor on the issue of relativistic physics and how it pertains to subspace travel. He seemed to think that the range of transporting somethin’ like a grapefruit was limited to about a hundred miles. I told him that I could not only beam a grapefruit from one planet to the adjacent planet in the same system, which is easy, by the way, I could do it with a lifeform.” Scott leaned back in his chair. “So I tested it on Admiral Archer’s prize beagle.”

Jim blinked. Spock arched an eyebrow.

“I know that dog. What happened to it?”

“I’ll let ya know when it reappears. I do feel guilty about that.”

Right. So this man was never getting anywhere near Alice. Or possibly any small creature.

“What if told you that your transwarp theory was correct, that it is indeed possible to beam onto a ship that is travelling at warp speed?”

“I think if that equation had been discovered, I’d have heard about it.”

Spock, to Jim’s surprise, actually smirked, leaning in conspiratorially.

“The reason that you haven’t heard of it, Mr. Scott, is because you haven’t discovered it yet.”

Scott blinked, then started to stutter, clearly trying to wrap his head around what Spock had just said. 

“Are you from the future?” He finally managed, getting up out of his chair.

“Yeah,  _ he _ is. I’m not.

“Well, that’s brilliant. Do they still have sandwiches there?”

Things were a little hectic after that. Scott- or Scotty, as he insisted upon being called, never seemed to stop talking now that he had someone other than Keenser to talk to. Jim hadn’t heard so much engineering talk since... well, since the last time he had dinner with his mother, but still. 

“You’re coming with us, right?” Jim asked Spock after the latter finally managed to shut Scotty up with the reveal of the all-important transwarp equation.

Spock’s eyes softened, and he looked almost sad.

“No, Jim. That is not my destiny.”

Jim gave him a look.

“I know that Vulcans have a lower average body temperature than humans, Spock. I really don’t think your destiny is to freeze to death on this frozen rock. He... the other Spock, he’s never gonna believe me. Only you can explain what the hell’s happened-!”

“Under no circumstances can he be made aware of my existence!” Spock stated sternly. “You must promise me this.”

“You’re telling me that I, that I can’t tell you that I’m following your own orders?!” He paused. “Well... actually, when I say it out loud, I guess I would kinda look like a nut. But still! Why not? What happens?”

Spock sighed.

“Jim, this is one rule that you cannot break. To stop Nero, you alone must take command of your ship.”

“How? Over your dead body?”

Amusement twinkled in Spock’s eyes.

“Preferably not. I doubt your Alice would be pleased if her father ended up imprisoned for that. However, there  _ is  _ Starfleet regulation 619.”

“Any command officer who is emotionally compromised by the mission at hand must resign said command... okay, yeah, but see, you’re still, y’know, all... Vulcan-y.”

“Jim. Surely by now you must know that Vulcans have emotions. Even I am capable of becoming emotionally compromised, as is my younger self. I just lost my planet. I can tell you that I am emotionally compromised. What you must do is get me to show it.”

Right. Get an emotionally constipated half-Vulcan that hated his guts to show emotion.

No biggie.

Maybe he should just quit Starfleet and start a farm in Iowa. Alice liked cows and pigs and chickens, she’d be delighted.

Couldn’t be any harder than the task at hand, right?

Jim leaned out of the little cell thingy.

“Y’know, coming back in time, changing history? That’s cheating.”

Spock’s eyes softened again, his gaze tender and melancholic.

“A trick I learned from an old friend.” He turned, pushing some buttons, then turned back around, holding up his right hand and spreading his fingers in a V shape. “Live long and prosper.”

 

* * *

 

He couldn’t think. 

No, that was inaccurate. He could think.

Just not logically. 

This man, this- this  _ presumptous fool  _ had taken that from him.

“How does it feel, huh? How does it feel now that you’ve lost your father too? Do you even care? Does it even  _ compute  _ for you? You lectured me on sacrifice, but now that you’ve lost your own father, you can’t even stop to grieve. You  _ never  _ loved him-!”

He punched him. It felt... cathartic.

The next few moments were a blur of motion, ending with Spock’s hand on Kirk’s neck. His thoughts were racing, and as Spock’s grip tightened, they turned into one line of thought.

_ Alice buttercup I’m sorry I’m so sorry I didn’t mean it I’m sorry Alice Alice Alice _

“Spock!”

_ Please don’t kill me please please I’m sorry I didn’t want to please I need to get home I need to see her please _

“SPOCK!”

Spock came back to himself all at once, quickly releasing his grip on Kirk’s throat. The other man gasped, barely conscious as he slumped against the station and coughed.

His mother looked horrified at his actions. Guilt swept through him, and he kept his head down as he approached McCoy.

“... Doctor. I am no longer fit for duty. I... I hereby relinquish my command based on the fact that I have been emotionally compromised. Please note the time and date in the ship’s log.”

He all but ran off the bridge after that, his mother chasing after him.

“Spock...  _ Spock!” _

He kept walking, trying to up his speed. His mother was only human, after all, and at her age she couldn’t reasonably-!

_ “S’chn T’gai Spock,  _ you stop  _ this instant!” _

He stopped. She was more than a bit out of breath when she caught up to him, but had enough strength to force him to turn around, though not enough height to make him look her in the eyes.

_ “Now  _ do you want to talk about it?”

“... That would be unwise.”

“What is necessary is never unwise.”

“... An insightful statement.”

“Again,  _ you  _ said that. When you were  _ eight.  _ Spock, please. Talk to me.”

He hesitated for a moment, then sighed.

“I am... I am as conflicted now as I once was as a child.”

His mother’s eyes softened.

“Spock... you are, and always will be, a child of two worlds.” She smiled. “And I’m so grateful for that. And for you.”

Spock swallowed, bending over slightly to allow his mother to touch his cheek, as she often did when he was still a child.

“I... I feel...  _ anger  _ for the one who took Father’s life. An anger I cannot control.”

She smiled again, shaking her head.

“Don’t try to. Spock, do you know why I married your father?”

“Because it was logical. You were both diplomats, and as such it was a favorable move to-!”

“Spock. It was because I loved him. And he married me because he loved me, no matter what nonsense he told you about logic.” She pulled him down, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “You feel angry? Good. Use it. Find the bastard that did this and make him pay for it.”

“Mother...”

“And if I were you, I’d get on it before Michael beats you to it.”

Spock could not help but roll his eyes.

“Mother, Michael and I have long since outgrown our childhood-!”

“Kidding, sweetheart. But seriously, get going. I think they’re gonna need your help.”

He nodded, moving back toward the bridge.

“And Spock?”

He paused, turning back toward his mother.

“Yes?”

“Try to keep an open mind about the captain, please.”

“... I will endeavor to do so.”

It would be quite the endeavor indeed.

 

* * *

 

“Daddy!”

Jim’s heart leapt at the sound of that sweet little voice, a huge grin spreading over his lips as he got off the ship. Alice was barreling towards him at top speed, and he kneeled down so that he could finally,  _ finally  _ get that hug he’d been waiting for all day.

“Hey, buttercup-! Oof!”

Alice knocked him right onto his back, wrapping herself around him and clinging to him like her life depended on it.

“Ow... heh, did you miss-!”

Her head popped up, a rather shocking glare on her face as she put a hand to his chin.

_ Angry sad worried you left you were gone and didn’t tell me where you were going and then everything  _ hurt  _ and then there was a light and a drill and I was  _ scared  _ ANGRY _

Jim blinked when she pulled her hand away, guilt washing over him. He sighed, sitting up and cradling his daughter so that she was close to his chest.

“I’m sorry, Alice. I know that all of this must have been really scary for you.”

“Maia said that my mother’s planet is gone now...” She looked up at him, her eyes heartbreakingly big and dewy. “Does... does that mean that my mother is...?”

Jim smiled sadly.

“I’m sorry, buttercup. She’s gone.”

Predictably, Alice teared up at that, burying her face in Jim’s shirt. Jim hushed her gently, rubbing her back and humming a bit.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, Alice, I know. I’m here, I’m here, I’m not going anywhere...”

She hiccuped, looking up at him with big, watery eyes.

“P-Promise?”

He smiled gently, leaning down and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“On my honor as captain of the USS Enterprise, I swear that I will never, ever leave you, Alice Georgina T’Vaakis Kirk.”

She finally smiled at him, wrapping her arms around Jim’s neck.

“... Wait a minute, Daddy. When did you become captain of the Inner-prize?”

“Oh, right, you don’t know about that yet. It’s a long story.” He blinked, realizing where they were again. “Uh, one that I probably shouldn’t tell you in the middle of the hangar.”

“Oh, yeah, I think we’re blockin’ traffic. Those people have been standing there for a while.”

Jim flinched, whirling around to see the entire bridge crew- save for Spock, because of course he’d left already- standing at the entrance, watching them with expressions that ranged from completely baffled to... well, to Chekov, who looked like he might very well be on the verge of bursting into giggles.

“Wh-? Why are you all just standing there?”

“Cause you’re blocking the path, genius,” Bones remarked before turning to Alice with a smile. “Hey, munchkin.”

“Hi, Uncle Bones! Was Daddy a dummy today?”

“When  _ isn’t  _ he a dummy?”

“Hey!”

 

* * *

 

 

There was absolutely no logical reason for Spock to be hesitating this way.

None at all. 

And yet, standing outside the door to Kirk’s apartment, Spock found that he could not bring himself to knock. 

It was... irrational to be worried that Kirk would not want to speak to him after everything that had occurred. Kirk had even been quite friendly to him when the Enterprise had landed in the hangar.

And yet.

He had marooned him on Delta Vega. He had nearly strangled him in front of the bridge crew. He had repeatedly brought up George Kirk’s sacrifice, which he now understood must have been a painful subject for the younger Kirk. 

Kirk had no reason to forgive him.

And yet.

_ “I could not deprive you of the revelation of all that you could accomplish together, of a friendship that will define both of you in ways you cannot yet realize.” _

If what his older self had said was true, that he and James Tiberius Kirk were meant to become great friends, then...

It would be illogical to not at least try.

And so, Spock lifted his hand and rapped his fist against the door three times. He heard a tiny gasp, followed by something clattering to the floor and tiny footsteps.

“I’ll get it!” A voice Spock did not recognize called. It was female, and very, very young. Something was set down in front of the door with a clunk, followed by the sound of the lock turning. Finally, the door opened, revealing...

Spock blinked in surprise.

The small child who had answered the door blinked back, then brushed some of her curly hair out of her face. Her eyes were big and blue, the same as Kirk’s, but her complexion was much paler than his, with green and yellow undertones.

And of course, there was one trait that- quite literally- stuck out more than all the rest: her ears, pointed just as Spock’s own were, though hers were a little big for her head.

“You're not Nana,” she commented. “Who’re you, mister?” 

Spock blinked again, then cleared his throat.

“I... I apologize, miss, I believe I may have the wrong address.”

“Who’re you lookin’ for?”

“I am looking for one Captain James T. Kirk-!”

“Daddy!” She suddenly yelled, turning away from him. “There’s a tall man with ears like mine at the door!”

_ “Alice I am in the shower!”  _ Spock just barely heard the captain shout from the other end of the apartment. He could hear water running.

“Well get  _ out  _ of the shower then! You said it’s rude to keep people waiting at the door!” The child- Alice, almost certainly  _ the  _ Alice that Kirk had been thinking of- sighed, getting off her step-stool and pushing it to the side. “Sorry, mister. Daddy’s really smart about books and numbers and stuff, but he’s kinda dumb about people.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“I was unaware that the captain had any social deficits.”

“Well, he acts cool and stuff, but he’s not very good at keeping friends. I think Uncle Bones and Nyota just stuck around at first cause me an’ Daddy are a package deal.” She blinked, then flushed slightly. “Oh, I’m sorry, mister! Please, come in!”

Spock arched an eyebrow as the girl led him into the apartment. 

How odd. McCoy had implied Kirk’s daughter to be only four years of age, yet this child spoke with much more clarity and emotional maturity than most children her age and even a few years older would.

“Um... would... would you like some tea?” Alice asked after she had directed Spock over to the couch. He arched an eyebrow once more.

“Are you able to make tea?”

She flushed, fisting her hands in her dress.

“Um, well, no, but... that’s what Daddy does when people come over. O-Or coffee. Or water. I’m too short to get a glass, though.”

“I do not require refreshment at this time, Miss Kirk.”

“Oh.” She cocked her head a bit. “Um... who are you, anyway? You’re wearing a Starfleet thingy, so I don’t think you’re a bad guy.”

“I am indeed a member of Starfleet. My name is Commander S’chn T’gai Spock.”

Alice smiled. She had the same smile as her father, whenever he smiled genuinely.

“My name is Alice Georgina T’Vaakis Kirk! It’s nice to meet you!”

Spock arched an eyebrow, a bit surprised.

“T’Vaakis?”

“Mm-hm. Daddy says that’s the name my mother told him she liked before she left. It means ‘lady of boldness,’ right?”

“Indeed.” And a fitting name it was for this strangely bold Vulcan child. “You were not raised by your mother, then?”

Alice’s smile fell, and she shook her head.

“When I was three weeks old, my mother brought me to Nana’s house and gave me to my daddy. He says that she told him she was, um... vee-tosh kah-ter?”

Spock blinked, his eyes widening.

“Do you mean  _ v’tosh ka’tur?” _

Alice nodded.

“Yeah, that’s it!”

Spock resisted the urge to groan. It seemed that Sybok was even  _ more  _ of an idiot than he had previously believed.

“Anyway, um... when I was three weeks old, my mother went back to Vulcan. Daddy said it was because her father died... he also said my mother went to do something called co... coal-in-nar?”

_ “Kolinahr.  _ It is a ritual through which all emotion is shed...”

Alice’s smile wavered a bit.

“Yeah, so... I guess she just didn’t want to be my mother anymore...”

Spock felt his throat tighten a bit.

“I see... was she... was she on Vulcan when...?”

Alice nodded.

“I... I felt our bond go away when she... it was s’posed to be dissolved soon anyway, but...”

“...  _ Tushah nash-veh k’du,”  _ Spock murmured after a moment. 

Alice blinked, looking up at him with wide, curious eyes.

“What does that mean?”

“It is a Vulcan phrase. It means, ‘I grieve with thee.’”

“Oh.” She cocked her head to the side. “Did you lose someone too?”

Spock couldn’t help but flinch.

“Yes. My father was killed when the planet collapsed.”

“Oh.” She bowed her head slightly. “I grieve with thee.”

Spock blinked, then felt his lips quirk slightly. 

“Thank you, Miss Kirk.” He hesitated for a moment, then opened his mouth to, for reasons he still wasn’t quite sure of, offer to teach her how to say that to him in Vulcan.

He never got the chance, however, as it was at that moment that the door to her father’s bedroom opened.

“Alright, buttercup, so who was at the... door... uh.” Kirk cleared his throat. “Commander.”

Spock turned to face the captain, only for words to fail him when he made a certain discovery.

That discovery being that the captain indeed prefered water showers to sonic showers. And also had quite broad shoulders, as exposed by the tank top he was wearing.

“Spock? You okay there?

Spock blinked, then most certainly did  _ not  _ blush before clearing his throat.

“I... I apologize for visiting at an inconvenient time, Captain.”

“Eh? Oh, no, it’s not...” Kirk shifted awkwardly, tugging on the towel slung around his shoulders. “Uh... buttercup, can you give us a minute?”

“Daddy, I can’t give you a minute. Time isn’t something that anyone can give or take.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward slightly as Kirk rolled his eyes.

“Okay, smarty-pants, how about this- go play in your room while Commander Spock and I talk about boring grown-up things.”

“Okay,” Alice agreed easily, practically bouncing over to her room. She paused just outside the door to her room, turning around to give her father a suspicious look. “But, Daddy? You better be nice to him.”

“Wh-! Hey, shouldn’t you be telling  _ him  _ to be nice to  _ me?” _

Alice pursed her lips for a moment, then shook her head.

“Nah. I think he’ll behave himself.”

With that, Alice went into her room, leaving behind a rather irritated Kirk and a rather amused Spock.

“Geez... sorry about that. She, uh, she’s got a bit of a big personality. Hope she wasn’t too much of a bother.”

“On the contrary, Captain, I found your daughter to be rather pleasant company.”

Kirk blinked, then quirked an eyebrow.

“You? Found a four-year-old to be pleasant company?”

“She is quite precocious and well-spoken for her age,” Spock replied by way of answer. “As such, if not for her small stature I would have assumed her to be older than she actually is.”

“Really? I thought all Vulcan kids were like that.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Like what, Captain?”

“Well, y’know, like,” Kirk paused, gesturing at the upper half of head. “All smart and wordy and stuff.”

“Indeed, most Vulcan children tend to have larger vocabularies than their Human peers. However, Alice possesses an emotional maturity most children of either species do not exhibit at her age. I doubt most children her age would think to offer me tea, for example.”

“... Alice doesn’t know how to make tea.”

“She admitted as much, but as she has seen you offer refreshment to visitors in the past, she believed that it was important to do so in this case.”

Kirk grinned at that, pride evident on his face.

“That’s my girl,” he said before clearing his throat. “Now, um... not that I’m not happy to brag about my daughter, cause I’m pretty much ready to do that at any given moment, but is there a reason that you came to see me at my apartment?”

Spock cleared his own throat, standing up and walking over to the captain.

“There is. I wish to apologize, Captain.”

“A... Apologize?”

“Yes.”

“... uh... for what?”

Spock blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“For my actions last week. I apologize for marooning you on Delta Vega-!”

“Spock, if you hadn’t done that, I never would have met Scotty, and Nero probably would have destroyed Earth. It was for the best.”

Spock blinked again.

“Then I wish to apologize for assaulting you on the bridge-!”

“Hey, that was pretty much  _ my  _ fault, I goaded you into that. If anything, I’m sorry for using your father’s death to get a reaction out of you.”

Spock clenched his fist behind his back.

“Then... I wish to apologize for accusing you of cheating-!”

“I  _ did  _ cheat, though. And I didn’t deny that at any point, remember? I was protesting the existence of a no-win scenario, not defending myself against accusations of-!”

“Then I apologize for taunting you by mentioning your father!” Spock blurted before he was able to stop himself, his frustration with the captain’s inability to accept his apology reaching a peak.

Kirk froze, staring at him with wide, startled eyes. His lips were slightly parted, as if he wanted to say something but was unable to speak.

“... well. Yeah. I, uh, I guess you  _ did  _ do that...” Kirk muttered after a moment, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Yes, and I apologize for it. I now realize that my words were inappropriate and unnecessarily cruel.”

“Spock...” Kirk sighed, shaking his head. “Look, you... you’ve read my file, right?”

Spock blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“I read it in preparation for the academic hearing, yes.”

“And since you read it, you know that Alice isn’t mentioned in it.”

“I am. I must admit to some... curiosity in that matter.”

Kirk grinned, a mischievous glint in his eyes.

“Why, Commander, I didn’t know you had it in you to be curious.”

“A desire for the acquisition of new knowledge is a standard aspect of Vulcan culture, sir.”

Kirk rolled his eyes, then cleared his throat.

“A-Anyway, um... the reason that Alice isn’t mentioned in my file is because... well... because I don’t want people to know about her.”

Spock blinked, then narrowed his eyes, his stomach churning with barely suppressed anger. He did not want to assume anything about the captain, especially since doing so had proven to be a less than optimal course of action recently, and also considering that what little he had seen of Kirk and Alice’s interactions appeared to be highly positive, but...

Well. His own previous experiences were rather illustrative of the cruelty of both Vulcans and Humans in regard to his and Alice’s shared heritage.

“Please elaborate, Captain.”

Kirk grimaced.

“It’s just... I grew up in my dad’s shadow, y’know? Not even really  _ his  _ shadow- it was more like the shadow of what he did. I was the- the Kelvin Baby, a miracle born from tragedy or whatever flowery bullshit the tabloids used. My mom and Grandpa Tiberius did their best to shield me from it, but... well, you’ve read my file. I didn’t exactly live up to my dad’s legacy.”

Spock would have pointed out that Kirk’s recent actions had saved the lives of every single living creature on Earth, and therefore had surpassed his father in the amount of lives saved, but the captain did not give him the chance to speak.

“Anyway, I guess I just... I don’t want that for Alice. I want her to be free to define her own legacy, whether that’s in Starfleet or... I dunno, painting? Last I checked her big life goal was to punch the moon.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward involuntarily.

“An ambitious, if physically impossible goal.”

“Hey, don’t doubt her, she’s one determined cookie. But yeah, whatever she eventually does with her life, I don’t want her to have to fight to get out of my shadow. And I certainly don’t want people treating her differently because she’s... y’know.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Half-Vulcan, sir?”

Kirk blinked, seeming surprised.

“Well, I was gonna say because she was born out of wedlock, but... yeah, I guess that’s true. And, well, I guess you’d know a lot more about that than I would.”

Spock resisted the urge to flinch at that.

“In the interest of accuracy, Captain, I would point out that Alice is much more in touch with her Humanity than I am.”

“Yeah, I kinda noticed, Spock. And I’d point out that unlike you, Alice hasn’t had any real Vulcan influences in her life since she was three weeks old.”

Spock felt a strange pang in his chest as he quirked an eyebrow.

“Since you have stated that Alice was born out of wedlock, I assume that you and her mother were never bonded, either?”

Kirk blinked.

“Bonded?”

“... Captain, after four years of raising a Vulcan child, I should think that you would be aware that Vulcans-!”

“I know about telepathic bonds, Commander.” Kirk quirked an eyebrow. “What, did you think T’Vin just dropped off Alice without telling me  _ anything?” _

“T’Vin?”

Kirk flinched, then sighed.

“T’Vin was... she was Alice’s mother. And no, we weren’t bonded, we barely even  _ knew  _ each other. I may be the type to rush into things, but I know what marriage means for Vulcans.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Then... it is true, then? That Alice’s mother was part of the  _ v’tosh ka’tur?” _

“Huh? How do you know about that?”

“Alice informed me, although her pronunciation was a bit... off.”

“She’s four, man. Were you pronouncing words like that when you were four?”

“Yes.”

Kirk rolled his eyes.

“Well, I guess you know what they are then, right?”

“Indeed. Vulcans without logic. The term is used to describe anyone who disagrees with the ancestral teachings of Surak. One group of such Vulcans is known to have left the planet in 2143 aboard the starship  _ Vahklas.  _ However, the movement lost most of its popularity around 2154, when the  _ Kir’Shira  _ was discovered.”

“Wait, what? Spock, I know Vulcans live longer than Humans, but T’Vin did  _ not  _ look like an old lady.”

Spock’s lips quirked involuntarily; it seemed both Kirks had the uncanny ability to nearly break Spock’s stoicism.

“I very much doubt that T’Vin was over one hundred years of age, Captain. It is more likely that she was influenced by the revival of the movement than the original.”

“Revival?”

“Yes. Around ten years ago, there was a new wave of Vulcans who disagreed with Surak’s teachings, despite what is now known about them.” Spock bit back a grimace. “They were all banished from the planet, along with their leader, a Vulcan by the name of Sybok.”

“... Um. Wow, uh, you... you look really uncomfortable. Not even just for you, like, uncomfortable in general. Do you know him?”

“That is... correct.” Spock took a breath. “He is my brother.”

Kirk was silent for a moment, clearly stunned by this revelation. After a moment, his hand slowly rose, and he pointed right at Spock.

“Y... You have a brother?!”

Spock blinked, then quirked an eyebrow.

“To be specific, Sybok is my older half-brother. He is my father’s son from a previous marriage.”

“Wait, what? Isn’t your mom Sarek’s only wife?”

“Technically, yes. Sybok’s mother underwent  _ kolinahr,  _ and as I’m sure you are aware, that ritual involves the dissolution of all telepathic bonds, including the marriage bond. Thus, my mother is considered the only wife my father has ever-!” Spock grit his teeth, trying to suppress the wave of emotion that rolled through him. “The only wife my father ever had.”

“Spock...” Kirk looked as if he wished to say something else, but evidently decided not to, instead sighing. “Geez, I thought  _ my  _ brother was bad.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“You have a brother, Captain?”

“I thought you said you read my file. Yeah, I have an older brother. His name’s Sam. He ran away when I was ten and we haven’t spoken since.” He blinked. “Wow, that was... that was fifteen years ago, wasn’t it?”

“Considering that you are twenty-five years of age, I believe so. Am I to assume that you have not told him about Alice, then?”

Kirk snorted.

“I don’t even know how I’d get word to him. I’ve heard some scuttlebutt that he became some kind of researcher and moved to the colony on Deneva, but who knows?”

“Indeed. It appears that neither of us have had a pleasant experience with brothers.”

“Yeah... kinda makes me wanna get Alice a brother, so she can share in our pain.”

“Can we name him David?” Alice called, her voice muffled by the door.

“It was a joke, and you’re not supposed to be listening, buttercup!”

“Aw...”

“Where would I even get a baby from anyway, huh?”

“The stork! That’s where Nana told me babies come from!”

“The stork-! Oh, come on, Mom, you couldn’t think of a better line...?”

“The... stork, Captain?”

“Eh? Oh, yeah, it’s, uh, it’s an old wives’ tale. Storks would find babies in like, caves or whatever, and they’d bring them to people’s doorsteps.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Captain, pray tell, how do the infants appear in the caves in the first place?”

“I... I don’t know, Spock, it’s... you know it’s not true, right? It’s just something people made up so they wouldn’t have to tell kids where babies  _ actually  _ come from.”

“I am aware of the process of sexual reproduction, sir, but it seems strange that such a story has a rather large hole in its plot.”

“That’s because you’re supposed to tell it to little kids, Spock, not twenty-eight-year-old Starfleet Commanders. A little kid’s not gonna question something like that.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“In your four years of parenting experience, would you say that Alice has never questioned anything you or any other adult has told her?”

Kirk opened his mouth to reply, then blinked and closed it, grinning a bit sheepishly.

“Well, I guess you got me there.”

“Indeed.” Spock straightened slightly when his comm went off, pulling out of his pocket and checking it. “Ah, I apologize, Captain, but it appears I am needed elsewhere.”

“Aw, and here I was thinking I might convince you to stay for dinner.”

Spock’s heart did not beat irregularly at that admission.

Not at all.

He was simply not getting enough rest. That was all.

“That is a generous offer, Captain, but I must be going.”

“Alright, alright... oh, uh, Spock?”

Spock paused as he reached the front door, turning around to face his captain once more.

“Yes, sir?”

Kirk was clearly hesitating, biting his lower lip briefly and scratching the side of his face.

“Just... y’know, the... the Enterprise doesn’t launch on a new mission for another couple of weeks.”

“I am aware of this.”

“And, well, I’m officially her captain now...”

“I was present at the ceremony, sir. I am, however, uncertain of what you wish to convey here.”

He saw Kirk’s adam’s apple bob slightly- most likely due to him swallowing excess saliva.

“Just... the, um, the first officer position’s still open. If... if you’re interested.”

Truly, Spock must not have been getting enough rest if his heart continued to palpitate in this manner. 

He was unable to adequately explain why the tips of his ears had begun to burn, however.

“I...” Spock cleared his throat, straightening his back. “That is an... interesting offer, Captain. I will have to... consider my options carefully.”

This was as close to a lie as Spock felt himself capable of telling. While it  _ was  _ true that Spock had quite a few options to choose from, it was not true that he was considering all of them equally.

Or indeed, that he was considering any option but one with any degree of seriousness. His alternate self’s advice to “do what feels right” was... oddly compelling.

Even more so with how the captain’s face fell at Spock’s response.

“Oh, uh... y-yeah, sure. I guess that... that makes sense. Just... y’know, the offer’s open. Til... til we take off, I guess.”

Spock nodded.

“If you’ll excuse me, Captain.”

He left without another word, telling himself that the irregular pace of his heart was due to a lack of rest.

He had a harder time convincing himself of that when it started beating irregularly once again, this time at the captain’s overjoyed smile when he took on the role of First Officer just before take off.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And thus, we move into rebooting TOS season 1 episodes! The first part will contain a reboot of the episodes "What are Little Girls Made Of?" and "The Conscience of the King."  
> Mind the eating disorder and Tarsus tags, kids.
> 
> Also, this chapter guest stars Michelle Pfeiffer as Winona Kirk. Roles not filled in the movies will be noted in the end of chapter notes for relevant chapters.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! References to genocide, famine, and disordered eating in this chapter. Please use caution if you are sensitive to such topics!

**2258.75**

It was a common practice for the captain and the first officer of Constitution-class vessels to share a bathroom between their quarters. Spock had been aware of this, and had planned for it accordingly.

However, he had not thought to account for the possibility that he would be sharing his quarters with both the captain and his four-year-old daughter.

In hindsight, it was somewhat inevitable that she would be coming along- Kirk had demonstrated his devotion to his young child, and after having spent his own childhood without a father, it was highly unlikely that he would allow her to experience the same situation. Given that Kirk had all but become the new face of Starfleet, and the fact that Admiral Pike was almost inordinately fond of both Captain and Alice Kirk- and quite possibly a bit afraid of Commander Winona Kirk, whom Spock had never met but had heard was... intimidating- it was perhaps somewhat inevitable that the USS Enterprise became home to four hundred Starfleet officers and one four-year-old girl. However, as it had not crossed Spock’s mind beforehand, he could not have accounted for it.

He also could not have accounted for the possibility that said four-year-old girl would suddenly become rather timid around him. As polite and talkative as Alice had been when they’d first met, upon their second meeting she had become nervous, with a tendency to fidget and focus her gaze on her feet whenever he spoke to her.

Spock was not certain of the reason for Alice’s change in behavior. Having only met her once, and being unable to remember any specific interaction with her that may have upset her in some way, he could not fathom what could have caused her to become so uncharacteristically reserved. What made matters worse was that Alice only behaved this way around _him_ specifically- she was as exuberant as ever around Dr. McCoy, Lts. Sulu and Uhura, Yeoman Rand, Ensign Chekov, Nurse Chapel, Mr. Scott, and even Mr. Keenser, whom she had described as resembling the Terran vegetable cabbage.

Keenser, for his part, had not seemed offended, and Scott had found the comment extremely humorous and was unable to speak without laughing for three point seven minutes afterward.

While Spock would state that Alice getting along with the crew was a positive development, as they very well could be the people she’d spend the next several years with, it was... strange that he had been singled out as the one person she felt uncomfortable around. After all, there were only an estimated ten thousand Vulcans left, and excluding his alternate self, she and Spock were perhaps the only Human-Vulcan hybrids in existence.

He would never admit to it, of course, but he was reminded of the rejection he faced from his peers as a young child on Vulcan. This time, however, it was... it was a bit harder to swallow, because while both he and Alice belonged to a now-endangered species, they were also members of a barely-formed subspecies, neither Vulcan nor Human but something in between.

And yet, she did not appear to want his advice or company, even if he may very well have been the only person in the universe that could understand what she would go through.

Spock paused in the midst of brushing his teeth, allowing himself a grimace before leaning over and spitting in the sink.

It was illogical. He was not Alice’s father, nor was it likely that he would ever be _anyone’s_ father. He and Alice shared a similar physiology and had both lost a parent to the destruction of Vulcan-that-was, but there was where the similarities ended. Spock had been raised on Vulcan-that-was, as a Vulcan, by a Vulcan father and a Human mother. Alice was being raised solely by a Human father, on Earth up until this point, and she was being raised almost entirely as a Human, although Spock had noticed Kirk’s efforts to bring in elements of Vulcan culture to Alice’s life recently.

There was no logical reason for him to want to take part in her upbringing, as he had no desire to form a bond with her father. This was merely a lingering result of the destruction of his home, and the loss of so many of his people. Many Vulcans had been taking in orphaned children in the wake of the tragedy, after all, and as Alice had no Vulcan parent...

Spock exhaled sharply through his nose as he wiped at his lips, briefly glaring at his reflection.

He would have to meditate on this soon, he decided as he picked up his razor. Just as he turned it on, however, the door separating the bathroom from the captain’s quarters opened, revealing Alice, who appeared to still be half-asleep.

“Good morning, Miss Kirk.”

The little girl startled, her eyes opening wide as she became aware of Spock’s presence.

“U-Um...” She fisted her hands in her nightgown, shifting her weight from foot to foot.

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Is everything alright, Miss Kirk?”

Alice flushed bright green, releasing a small squeak before pushing the button to close the door. Spock heard small footsteps retreating from the door, followed by the sound of something landing on the bed.

_“Daddy! Daddy, wake up!”_ Alice’s voice was quite urgent. Kirk groaned in response.

_“Jus’ five more minutes, Ma...”_

_“Daddy, NOW!”_

A thump, followed by another groan from Kirk.

_“Urgh... Alice? Buttercup, what’d you do that for? And why’re you up so early, Alpha shift isn’t for-!”_

Spock could not quite make out the next part, though he could still hear the urgency in Alice’s voice.

_“Ah. Buttercup, c’mon, I’m sure that Spock won’t be-!”_

_“Daddy, please!”_

He heard Kirk sigh.

_“Fine, fine...”_

Blankets and sheets rustled around a bit, and after a moment the door opened once more, revealing a sleep-ruffled Kirk clad in black boxer-briefs and a loose white t-shirt bearing the logo of the Terran retail company known as Costco, though the word “Fantasy” was before it in blue, most likely as a reference to some media that Spock had never encountered. Alice was behind him, shifting from foot to foot a bit more rapidly than before with a look of discomfort on her face.

“Captain? Is everything alright?”

Kirk smiled tiredly.

“S-Sorry, um... could you just leave the bathroom for a minute, Spock? Alice needs to... y’know...” Kirk glanced to the side- following his gaze revealed that he had looked at the toilet.

“Ah, I see. My apologies, Miss Kirk.”

He quickly turned and retreated into his own quarters, the privacy lock engaging seconds later. He sighed, shaking his head slightly before removing his regulation sleep shirt to change into his uniform.

For whatever reason, it seemed that the only other Vulcan on this ship had become intimidated by him, and Spock was unsure of how to remedy the situation.

If that was even possible.

 

* * *

 

Jim bit back a yawn as the ship exited warp, running a hand through his hair and leaning back in the captain’s chair.

“We will be arriving at Exo III in approximately twenty minutes, Captain.”

“Great, thanks, Chekov.” Jim grimaced, reaching around and rubbing the small of his back, which still ached a bit after this morning.

“Back troubles, sir?” Uhura asked with an impassive expression, the look in her eyes belying genuine concern.

“If you are in pain, Captain, I would suggest going to see Dr. McCoy,” Spock commented.

Jim scoffed.

“Yeah, I’m pretty sure if I told Bones that my back hurts because my four-year-old decided to apply the Heimlich maneuver to it, all I’d get is laughed at and thrown out of Sickbay.”

Uhura’s concern quickly turned to amusement, and she turned back to her station with a snort. Jim sighed, stretching a bit before slumping back into his chair.

“Captain.”

“Hm? Oh, what’s up, Spock?”

If Jim didn’t know any better, he would have thought that his XO looked a little... nervous.

“May I please speak with you on the other end of the bridge?”

Jim blinked, frowning as he got out of his chair.

“Um... sure?”

Spock didn’t say anything else as he led Jim to a less crowded part of the bridge.

“So, uh... what did you want to talk about?”

“I wished to discuss the incident that occurred at approximately 0500 hours this morning.”

Jim blinked.

“Spock, I hate to tell you this, but aside from Alice waking me up by punching me in the spine, everything before seven AM is kind of a blur. You’re gonna need to be more specific.”

Spock looked somewhat uncomfortable, although most people probably wouldn’t even realize anything was out of the ordinary there.

“I am... I am referring to the incident that occurred in our shared bathroom this morning.”

Jim blinked, then tilted his head slightly when he realized what Spock meant.

“Wait, you mean when Alice made me get up at five in the morning to get you to leave the bathroom? I really wouldn’t call that an incident, Spock. I mean, unless you count me having an aching back for the past few hours-!”

“Captain. I would like to inquire as to what I have done to make Alice uncomfortable with addressing me directly.”

Jim blinked again.

“What did you-? What are you talking about?”

“When I first met Alice, she was quite outgoing and exuberant. She has since exhibited that behavior with several other crew members, but has become extremely reserved around me, to the point where she is uncomfortable asking me to leave the bathroom so that she may use the facilities. Since I am the only person she appears to exhibit this behavior with, I must assume that I have done something to make her uncomfortable around me.”

“Uncomfo- okay, well, there’s a lot to unpack here, but first, why do you think _you_ did something?”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Alice and I only met once prior to the launch of the Enterprise, Captain. Her behavior towards me changed upon our second meeting, and I am unable to recall anything she might have done that would have caused her to act this way.”

“Yeah, but you can’t remember anything _you_ did that would make her act like this, right?”

“No, but I am an adult and she is a child. It would be illogical for me to hold a grudge against her, as she most likely would not know better, and again, I cannot recall any incident that would have indicated any sort of disapproval on my part.”

Jim sighed, shaking his head.

“Spock, I... I really don’t think this is your fault. In fact, I’m willing to bet that there wasn’t anything that caused Alice to dislike you, because I’m pretty sure she doesn’t.”

The eyebrow arched higher.

“Her behavior suggests that-!”

“Her behavior is a result of her being in a new situation, Spock. She’s never shared a bathroom with anyone but me before, and she’s just not used to it yet.” Jim rubbed the back of his neck. “Plus, y’know, she’s probably worried about saying the wrong thing and upsetting you.”

This time, Spock tilted his head slightly.

“Captain, why would she be concerned about upsetting me? As I have just said, she is only four years of age. A few missteps on her part are to be expected, are they not?”

“Well, yeah, but...” Jim sighed, glancing around a bit. “Look, the thing about Alice is that she... sometimes she doesn’t really know what’s appropriate to talk about and what isn’t.”

“Is that not the case for all children?”

“Well, yeah, but when you’re a touch telepath, people tend to think that you’re going to spill all their secrets. I had to pull her out of her first daycare center because the other kids refused to play with her.”

Spock blinked, and Jim could have sworn that something like righteous fury flashed in his eyes.

“I realize that Alice has not spent much time around other telepaths and thus may not know how to shield yet, but-!”

“Oh, no, don’t worry, she’s learning. Well, she was, her, uh, her nanny was half-Betazoid. But before that, she... well, she had a tendency to blurt out whatever someone else was thinking when she touched them. Including me.” He laughed a little. “I almost lost a job one time because of it. Not that I blame her at all, she’s just a little kid.”

“Indeed. Am I to assume then that Alice’s discomfort around me has less to do with me and more to do with her own nerves?”

“Yes, Spock, that’s kind of been my point this whole time. I’m pretty sure she likes you just as much as everyone she doesn’t have to share a bathroom with. Well, maybe not Uhura, but she told me that she’s gonna marry Uhura when she grows up, so that’s kind of a different situation.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Captain, Lieutenant Uhura is two point eight months older than you. By both Human and Vulcan standards, it would be extremely inappropriate for your daughter to marry her, both due to the age gap and the fact that the lieutenant has known your daughter since she was a toddler.”

Jim rolled his eyes.

“She’s not _really_ gonna marry Uhura, Spock, it’s just a little kid thing. Didn’t you ever say you were gonna grow up and marry someone when you were a little kid?”

Spock opened his mouth to reply, but before he could, Sulu told them they were about to entire standard orbit for Exo III.

“Welp, that’s our cue. Don’t worry too much about it, okay, Spock? I’m sure Alice will warm up to you in no time.”

Spock didn’t look so sure, but didn’t protest, nodding at Jim before returning to his console.

 

* * *

 

Even though he’d technically experienced it before thanks to the mind-meld with old man Spock, it was still _super weird_ to see and hear himself speaking.

“Even has your sense of humor,” Korby commented as they entered the dining room, sounding extremely pleased.

Jim resisted the urge to glare at him as he walked over to the table where Christine and android-him were seated, staring at his counterpart. He had to admit, it was a pretty great likeness- and he really _did_ look good in that uniform.

Still creepy as all get out, though.

“Well, there’s one difference between us,” Jim commented as he turned to the plate of food Andrea set in front of him. “I’m hungry.”

“The difference is your weakness, Captain, not mine.”

“One at a time, gentlemen. Captain?”

Jim gave his counterpart a wry look.

“Eating is a pleasure, sir. Unfortunately, one you will never know.”

“Perhaps, but I will never _starve,_ sir.”

Jim froze just as the fork touched his lips, glancing at his duplicate before looking back at Korby.

“He’s... he’s an exact duplicate?”

“In every detail.”

“What... what about memory?” He couldn’t. He couldn’t know, there’s no way he could _remember_ Tarsus and still say something like that. “Tell me about Sam.”

“George Samuel Kirk, your older brother. Only you call him Sam. You haven’t spoken to him since you were ten.”

Damn.

“Then... tell me about Alice.”

“Alice Georgina T’Vaakis Kirk, your daughter. She is four years old, and she’s currently on the ship with Uhura keeping an eye on her.”

“T’Vaakis is a Vulcan name.”

“A Vulcan name meaning ‘lady of boldness.’”

“Yeah, I looked up Vulcan names and decided to give her one based on her Vulcan ancestry.”

“No you didn’t. T’Vaakis was the name suggested by her late mother, T’Vin, before she left Alice with you to return to Vulcan.”

“You might as well try to out-think a calculator, Captain.”

Jim scoffed.

“Obviously, I can’t.” He picked the fork back up, trying not let his hand tremble. “But we do have some... _interesting_ differences.”

“Totally unimportant ones.”

Jim hummed as he opened his mouth, pushing back against the wave of nausea that ran through him as he reminded himself that it was okay to eat, it wasn’t selfish to eat, he _had_ to eat.

Korby dismissed his duplicate, launching into some spiel about the superiority of androids or whatever. Poor Christine looked completely horrified as to what her fiance had become, and Jim couldn’t say he blamed her for it. He could remember another man who’d made similar promises, promises that he could save the colony.

That should’ve been the first clue that something was up.

Jim suppressed a shudder. He needed to stop thinking about this before it started affecting him too heavily.

Kodos was dead, and that was that. Right now, all he could do was hope that the little difference he’d put into the machine was enough to give Spock a clue as to what was going on.

 

* * *

 

Spock’s eyebrows rose when he saw Kirk exit the turbolift.

“Captain!” He called, getting up from his seat. The captain appeared not to hear him, and so Spock followed him into his quarters.

“Captain, we finished ahead of schedule,” Spock informed him as he approached him. Kirk didn’t respond at first, instead searching a small compartment near his desk.

“Dr. Korby has considerable cargo to beam aboard. I’ll have to go over our destination schedule with him.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“You’re going back down with the command pike?”

“Mind your own business, Mr. Spock. I’m sick of your half-breed interference, do you hear?”

Both of Spock’s eyebrows rose, his throat tightening in shock.

“... yes, very well, Captain,” he murmured, getting the distinct feeling that everything was not as it seemed.

“You look upset, Mr. Spock, is everything alright up here?” Kirk inquired softly, as if he hadn’t just hurled an insulting term for both Spock and his own daughter at him.

Something was definitely not right here. The captain was quite illogical, but he had never exhibited this kind of erratic behavior before.

“No problems here, sir.”

“Good. I’ll beam up shortly with Dr. Korby and party.”

Spock watched as Kirk left the room, waiting until the door was closed behind him before walking over to the intercom.

“Security, Spock here. Status of the landing party.”

_“Ready and standing by, sir.”_

“Have them meet me in the transporter room after the captain has beamed down.”

_“Yes, sir.”_

Spock released the intercom button, but before he could leave the room, the door to the bathroom slid open, revealing a very distraught Alice.

Something within him ached at the sight of her.

“... Miss Kirk. How much of that did you hear?”

“I...” She swallowed hard, her eyes welling up with tears. “I heard Daddy... he said... Mr. Spock, why would Daddy say something like that?”

“I... Miss Ki... Alice.” Spock walked over to her, kneeling down to her eye level. “Alice, I do not believe that was your father.”

“B-But he sounded just like him! I-If it wasn’t Daddy, then who...?”

“I am afraid I do not yet know. However, if I know anything about your father, it is that he would never use such a word to refer to anyone, especially you. Whatever is going on, I will find out the truth of the matter.”

Alice sniffed, looking up at him with big, dewy eyes.

“P... Promise?”

Spock’s lips quirked upward, and, just this once, he allowed himself to smile.

“Yes. I promise.”

 

* * *

 

Spock bit back a sigh as he watched Exo III fade into the distance.

“Thank you for letting me make the decision, Captain,” he heard Nurse Chapel state. “I’m quite certain I’m doing the right thing.”

He quirked an eyebrow, approaching the captain’s chair just as Chapel exited the bridge.

“She’s staying with the ship,” Kirk informed him.

Spock didn’t respond, finding himself unable to look Kirk in the eyes.

“... Something bothering you, Mr. Spock?”

“... Frankly, I _was_ rather dismayed by your use of the term ‘half-breed,’ Captain.”

Kirk looked surprised, his eyebrows rising.

“You must admit, it _is_ a rather unsophisticated expression.”

The captain rolled his eyes, his lips turning up in a smirk.

“I’ll remember that the next time I’m in a similar situation, Mr. Spock.”

“Captain, I am being quite serious.”

“When _aren’t_ you serious-?”

_“Captain.”_

Kirk blinked, his amusement quickly melting away to be replaced by genuine confusion.

“Wait, you were actually...? Spock, come on, you know I would never...”

“Indeed, _I_ know that. However... I assume you have not yet spoken with Alice since your return from Exo III, am I correct?”

Kirk blinked again, quirking an eyebrow.

“Uh, no, haven’t really had the chance. What does that have to do with anything?”

“Alice overheard your duplicate addressing me with that term.”

Kirk froze, his eyes widening.

“She... she what?”

“She happened to be in the bathroom while I was speaking with him in your quarters. She was quite understandably distraught at hearing her father’s voice saying such a thing.”

“Shit.” Kirk all but jumped out of his chair. “Spock, you have the conn, I have to go apologize to my daughter like, a _million_ times!”

With that, he ran out of the bridge. Spock rolled his eyes, huffing a bit as he took the captain’s chair.

 

* * *

 

**2258.76**

Spock had just finished shaving when the captain’s door to their bathroom opened.

“Oh! Um, sorry, Mr. Spock.”

“That is quite alright, Alice, I am finished with the bathroom,” he replied as he placed his razor back into his cabinet.

“O-Oh, okay...”

“If you’ll excuse me,” he stated with a nod, turning and opening the door to his quarters.

“... Um! M-Mr. Spock!”

Spock paused, turning back to Alice with a raised eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“Um...” She fidgeted for a moment, then looked up at him, her cheeks flushed slightly as she smiled. “G-Good morning.”

Spock blinked, then smiled back at her, just a little.

“Good morning to you as well, Alice.”

She grinned, and Spock gave her a small nod before walking back into his quarters and shutting the door behind him.

Perhaps the captain had been right after all. She just needed a bit of time to get used to him.

Speaking of the captain, approximately one point one hours later Spock heard the shower turn on, signalling that Kirk had woken up.

He was slightly early today. Perhaps he’d actually be early for Alpha shift for once-!

_“Oh, am I not sensitive, clever, well-mannered, considerate, passionate, charming, as kind as I’m handsome, and heir to a throne-!”_

_“Daddy, you’re not really being any of those things right now! Shoosh, I’m sleeping!”_

Spock bit his lip, refusing to laugh at the ridiculous interactions of the captain and his daughter.

He did, however, have to admit that the captain had a pleasant singing voice.

 

* * *

 

**2258.113**

“Captain’s log, Stardate 2258.113. Starship Enterprise diverted from scheduled course. Purpose...”

Jim swallowed hard, forcing down the bile threatening to rise up in his throat.

“Purpose- to confirm discovery by Dr. Thomas Leighton of an extraordinary new synthetic food which would totally end the... the threat of f-famine on Signia Minor, a nearby Earth Colony.”

He exhaled deeply as he ended the log, running a hand through his hair.

It was fine. This was a good thing. He was going to see Tom again, and he and Alice were going to get to meet his wife. Plus, the people on Signia Minor were going to have enough food.

It was fine. This wasn’t the same thing.

The door to his quarters opened.

“Daddy! Scotty says it’s time to beam down!” Alice ran over to him, trying to pull him out of his chair. “Let’s go, let’s go, let’s go!”

Jim laughed, leaning over and ruffling her hair.

“Okay, okay! Geez, you’re so demanding, buttercup.”

“That’s cause I’m in charge, Daddy.”

“Wh- Hey, who’s the captain here?”

Alice rolled her eyes, pulling him along as they made their way to the transporter room.

It was fine. There was no reason for him to have a knot in his stomach like this.

Everything was fine.

 

* * *

 

“You mean to tell me you’ve called me three light-years off my course just to accuse an actor of being Kodos? Tom, I mean this in the most affectionate way possible, but _what the hell?”_

Jim could feel Alice’s concern through their bond, though he was still glad that he’d asked Martha to take her into the other room.

“He _is_ Kodos. I’m sure of it.”

Jim grimaced, walking over to his old friend and sitting down next to him.

“You said you discovered a new food concentrate. What am I supposed to put in my log, huh? That you lied, that you diverted a starship with false information? You’re not the only one who’s gonna get in trouble for that, y’know.”

“I did it to trap Kodos!” Tom snapped.

“Kodos is _dead,_ Tom.”

“Is he? Is anyone sure? A body burned beyond recognition?”

“Tom. The authorities closed the book on that case years ago.”

“Then let’s reopen it. Jim, _four thousand_ people were butchered. Children, some younger than your daughter-!”

“Don’t,” Jim interrupted harshly. “Tom, don’t... I can’t think about it, alright? I can’t _let_ myself think about that, I... I just can’t. Kodos is dead. I’m satisfied with that.”

“Well, I’m not. I remember him. That voice...” Tom turned towards him, his one eye sharp and full of hate. “The bloody thing he did. Jim... Jim, _please,_ I need your help. There were only eight or nine of us who actually _saw_ Kodos. I was one, you’re another.”

Jim suppressed a shudder, willing himself not to think of that face.

“Tom-!”

“If he’s to be exposed-!”

“He’s _dead._ End of story.”

Tom stared at him for a moment, then slowly rose out of his chair.

“Then it’ll be a ghost Martha and I receive in our home tonight. I invited the entire company to a cocktail party. I... I have to be sure, Jim.”

Jim sighed, shaking his head.

“And I have to take my daughter back to my ship and figure out how I’m gonna enter all this in my log.”

 

* * *

 

Kirk was staring at the computer screen when Spock entered his ready room.

“Captain-!”

The captain jumped in his seat, then all but flailed as he rushed to turn the computer off before turning to Spock with a forced smile.

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Is... everything alright, sir?”

“U-Uh, yeah, Spock, it’s...” He cleared his throat. “I-I’m fine. Actually, I... you know Dr. Leighton, right?”

“Mostly in passing, but I do know him, yes.”

“Right, right... would you say he’s, y’know... given to fantasy?”

“Dr. Leighton is a good empirical research scientist- steady, reputable, occasionally brilliant.”

“With a really long memory...” Kirk murmured, turning back to the table.

“I have no information on that, Captain. We are ready to leave orbit.”

“... you know what? Delay departure for a little while, Mr. Spock. I think I’ll beam back down to the planet for a little bit, check out that party Tom and Martha are throwing.”

Spock quirked his eyebrow again.

“I assume you will be leaving Alice in Dr. McCoy’s care, then?”

“Don’t worry, I’ll be back before bedtime.”

“And will you be dining at the party, sir?”

“Eh?”

“It is nearly 1800 hours, Captain. I have observed that you usually take Alice to the mess hall for dinner between 1800 and 1900 hours.”

“Geez, is it really that late already? I must have missed lunch... anyway, uh, yeah, I’ll eat at the party. Keep an eye on things til I get back, yeah?”

“Yes, sir.”

Spock frowned as the doors closed behind Kirk.

Odd. While the captain’s sleep schedule could be somewhat irregular, and he didn’t seem to structure time outside of his duty shifts very much, the one thing that had been consistent throughout the short time he’d known Kirk was mealtimes. Spock could not recall a single time outside of an away mission where the captain had ever been late to a meal, let alone missed one entirely.

Perhaps the excitement of seeing an old friend had distracted him. While that was not exactly logical, it would fit with the captain’s previous behavior.

Still, Spock could not shake the notion that there was something more to this.

 

* * *

 

Jim was unable to do anything but watch as Martha covered Tom’s eerily still body with a blanket.

“At... at least he has peace now. He never really had that before.”

Her shoulders were trembling, and Jim found himself taking a step towards her and putting a hand on her shoulder. She immediately turned, burrowing into his chest with a sob.

“I’m... I’m so sorry, Martha...”

“Wh... Why? Why was Tom killed? If... if what he suspected wasn’t true, then...”

Jim swallowed hard, gently pushing her away.

“I... I don’t know yet. But I swear, I’m gonna find out, okay?”

She nodded, still crying as she walked back into her own room. Jim swallowed hard, not quite believing he was about to do this as he took his comm out of his pocket.

“Kirk to Enterprise. Patch me through to Captain John Daley of the Astral Queen...”

 

* * *

 

**2258.114**

He could feel Spock giving him the “disapproving Vulcan look” from all the way across the bridge as Lenore left.

“If you’ve got something to say, Mr. Spock, I suggest you say it.”

“I would simply like to inquire as to our course, sir.”

“Benecia Colony.”

“Benecia Colony is eight light-years off our course.”

Jim gave him a look as he returned to his chair.

“If my memory needs refreshing, Mr. Spock, I’ll ask you for it. In the meantime, just follow my orders.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow, and if Jim didn’t know any better he’d think he looked downright perturbed. However, he said nothing as he turned back to his console, and Jim didn’t say anything either.

He knew this was stupid. That it was probably going to get him into a lot of trouble. That... that if Tom was right, and Karidian really _was_ Kodos, then he was putting everyone in danger.

He was putting Alice in danger.

He knew all of that.

But he had to be sure. He had to know for sure, once and for all, that that man was really dead and buried.

His stomach growled slightly, and he grimaced.

“Are you well, Captain?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, fine, Chekov. Just a little hungry.”

He heard Uhura and Spock pause behind him. Sulu and Chekov exchanged a look.

“What?”

“Sir, Alpha shift only started ten minutes ago,” Sulu started slowly. “Did... did you not eat breakfast this morning?”

Jim blinked, then pursed his lips for a moment.

“Uh... no, actually. Guess it must have slipped my mind.”

More worried looks. Uhura cleared her throat.

“Sir, if you need to go eat-!”

“No, Lieutenant, I’m fine. One missed meal won’t kill me.”

Even if it was actually closer to three missed meals at this point. He never did get dinner at the party.

But that wouldn’t kill him either.

“Sir-!”

“Mr. Spock, e.t.a the Benecia Colony.”

“We’ll arrive Stardate 2258.119, Captain, approximately 1500 Benecia time.”

Jim hummed, pulling up his PADD and looking at the newly received data he’d requested. The list of nine eyewitnesses appeared in front of him, and he quickly scrolled past Tom’s name, as well as his own. One name caught his eye- a Riley, K. Tapping on the name confirmed his suspicions: it was indeed Kevin Riley, an Operations officer that had recently been promoted to Communications.

“Mr. Spock.”

“Yes, Captain?”

“Could you do me a favor and transfer Lieutenant Riley from Communications down to the Engineering desk?”

Spock didn’t answer him, and when he turned to look at him he could have sworn that Spock looked almost... surprised.

“Riley came up from the Engineering desk, sir. He has been in Communications for less than a week.”

“Well, I’m sending him back.”

“I... I see. May I inquire as to why? He’s a fine young officer, and is bound to consider this transfer a disciplinary action.”

“I don’t want to talk about it, Spock. Just do it.”

He heard a few people whispering behind him, turning to shoot a glare at some ensigns, who quickly returned to whatever they’d been doing beforehand.

It was for Riley’s own good. If he ended up hating Jim for it, well, that was the price he’d pay.

He wasn’t taking any chances. Not this time.

 

* * *

 

McCoy sighed as he leaned back in his chair, holding a glass of Saurian brandy in one hand and pinching the bridge of his nose with the other.

“Spock, listen. When the man on top walks along his street, the chain of command is often a noose.”

“Spare me your philosophical metaphors, doctor. Also, may I inquire as to why you are still in possession of that bottle of Saurian brandy? I believe the captain ordered you to dispose of it after the incident with the transporter and his split halves.”

“Hey, he’s the one that fucked up, why should I have to pay for it? Besides, I’m off duty, so I can drink as much as I want.”

Spock rolled his eyes, but decided to drop the subject.

“The captain is acting strangely.”

“Uh, Spock, have you _met_ Jim? If he wasn’t acting strangely, I’d be worried. What are you so worried about, anyway? Sure, Jim’s a foolhardy idiot most of the time, but he knows what he’s doing.”

“It was illogical for him to bring those players on board.”

McCoy snorted before taking a sip of the brandy.

“C’mon, Spock, you saw that girl Jim was talking to. I know you’re half-Vulcan, but you’re not _blind.”_

Spock quirked an eyebrow, ignoring the... irrational spark of envy McCoy’s words brought.

“The captain currently lives in his quarters with his young daughter.”

“And how do you think he got the daughter in the first place? Besides, in all the time I’ve known him- which is about three and a half years now, by the way- you know how many dates he’s been on? Two. Forgive me if I think he’s just a little pent up. Did it ever occur to you that he simply might _like_ the girl?”

Another spark of envy. He would have to meditate on this later.

“It occurred. I dismissed it.”

McCoy snorted again.

“You would.”

Spock gave McCoy a look.

“Did you know that he suddenly transferred Lieutenant Riley to Engineering?”

“If you want the latest scuttlebutt, ask Christine or M’Benga. I ain’t interested in gossip. Now, Jim’s the captain, he can transfer people as he pleases, you can look that up in a hundred volumes of space regulations somewhere, alright? Alright. Now, if you aren’t gonna have a drink, then I’d appreciate it if you left me-!”

The medbay doors slid open then, revealing a worried-looking Alice in the doorway clutching a patched-up teddy bear. McCoy coughed, quickly hiding the brandy before turning to the girl with a smile.

“Well, hey, munchkin. What can I do ya for? Mind, I don’t know how many more lollipops I can sneak you before your daddy notices that something’s up.”

Alice didn’t answer, instead looking at the ground as she walked into McCoy’s office.

“... Uncle Bones, I think something’s wrong with Daddy.”

McCoy blinked, then sighed, shaking his head.

“You and Mr. Spock both. Look, sweetpea, your daddy just lost an old friend of his. He’s probably just a little shaken up-!”

Alice shook her head.

“That’s not it. I... Uncle Bones, I don’t think Daddy’s been eating. At all.”

Both Spock and McCoy blinked, exchanging a quick look before turning back to her.

“What makes you think that, Alice?” McCoy asked gently.

“Well... Daddy and I always eat together when he’s not on a mission, but we haven’t eaten together since breakfast yesterday. Plus, his tummy was growling a lot last night...”

“The captain did state that he missed lunch yesterday, Dr. McCoy. He also missed breakfast this morning.”

Spock heard McCoy curse under his breath as he got up from his desk.

“Uncle Bones?”

“Is something the matter, doctor?”

“I sincerely hope not. I need to talk to that little sh- so-and-so, pronto.”

“Why?” Alice’s eyes were wide with worry. “What’s wrong with Daddy?”

McCoy hesitated, then shook his head.

“I’m... I’m sorry, Alice, but I can’t tell you that. Patient confidentiality. It’s... it’s probably nothing, but I need to check.”

Before either Spock or Alice could question him, the doctor left his office without another word.

 

* * *

 

To say that Jim was pissed was a huge understatement. He was pretty sure that he’d accidentally scared the piss out of some young science officers on the way to the lab, but at the moment he just did _not_ give a solitary shit.

“Mr. Spock,” he started as he entered the lab, keeping his tone as light as possible. His XO looked up from whatever project he’d been working on, arching an eyebrow.

“Yes, Captain?”

“May I please have a word with you in private?”

Spock blinked, then turned back to his- well, it looked like some kind of weird Venus fly-trap, to be honest.

“In a moment, Captain, I’ve nearly finished-!”

_“Now,_ Mr. Spock.”

Everyone in the lab froze, looking between Jim and Spock with expressions that ranged from children looking at a classmate who’d just been called to the principal’s office to children watching their parents fight.

Jim wasn’t sure which he liked less.

“... Yes, sir.”

Spock followed him out into the hall and into an empty conference room, arms folded behind his back as if he were standing at attention. Jim exhaled as the door closed, making sure his expression was as neutral as possible when he looked at Spock.

“Commander, I’m curious about something.”

“Yes, Captain?”

“Exactly what makes you think that I’m unable to take care of myself?”

Spock blinked, arching an eyebrow and yet still somehow maintaining an oh-so-innocent expression.

“I do not believe I have ever expressed any doubt about your ability to take care of yourself, sir.”

“Really. Then would you mind telling me why just half an hour ago, Bones burst into my quarters demanding to know about my eating habits? Because I’m pretty sure he specifically mentioned you coming into his office with ‘concerns about my health!’”

“I-!”

“Spock, I know that we’ve had our differences- believe me, I _know_ that, and I know that a lot of that was my own goddamn fault, but you can’t just go telling Bones that I’m ‘engaging in unhealthy behavior in regards to my eating habits,’ which, by the way, I am _not,_ just because you haven’t seen me eat doesn’t mean I haven’t been eating!”

Admittedly, in this case he actually _hadn’t_ been eating much, but it wasn’t like he was starving himself either- he’d eaten an entire apple in front of Bones just half an hour ago, for example.

Mostly to make him go away, but still.

“Captain-!”

“And furthermore, Mr. Spock, you should know that my eating habits are absolutely _none of your fucking business._ You are _not_ my doctor, so stop trying to- to use my health as an excuse to get me declared unfit for duty just because you don’t approve of my command decisions, got it? I am your superior officer, and I expect you to treat me as such, am I understood?”

The room went silent after that, save for Jim’s panting- he was, admittedly, a little out of breath after all that yelling.

“... Captain,” Spock started after a moment. “If I may speak freely?”

“When don’t you speak freely... fine, fuck it, whatever. Just talk.”

“I understand that you are my superior officer, sir, and I apologize if you perceived my actions as overstepping my authority. However, you appear to be operating under some misconceptions. Firstly, I did not mention anything about your eating habits to Dr. McCoy, I merely spoke with him about your recent actions, which I had already attempted to speak with you about earlier. Dr. McCoy disagreed with my analysis, believing your actions to be a result of your attraction to Miss Karidian.”

Jim blinked.

“My attraction to- Spock, she’s _nineteen._ I am _not_ going to sleep with a nineteen-year-old, even if I didn’t have a four-year-old daughter to worry about, because I am twenty-five and it would be _super_ creepy if I were into a girl that young at my age.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Perhaps you should express that sentiment to Dr. McCoy, then. And perhaps the bridge crew. They also seemed to believe you wanted to, and I quote, ‘hit that.’”

Jim stared at him for a moment, then snorted, biting back laughter.

“God... goddammit, Spock, you can’t say shit like that with such a straight face, it’s too ridiculous.”

“I assume then that I was correct in inferring that ‘hit that’ means engage in sexual intercourse with, and not that the crew believed you wished to harm Miss Karidian?”

Jim was shaking with barely contained laughter now, sure that his face was red with the effort.

“S-Stop, stop, don’t be funny, I’m- I’m mad at you!”

“I am not attempting to be funny, Captain. I am simply asking for confirmation.”

Jim coughed as he tried to get a grip, clearing his throat.

“Yeah, okay, that _is_ what that means, but we are getting _way_ off-topic here. If you didn’t ‘express concern for my eating habits’ or whatever, then who did?”

“To be accurate, I _did_ express some concern about it, but only after Alice entered the room to speak with Dr. McCoy about it.”

Jim’s heart stopped.

“Wh... What? Alice... she’s worried?”

“Quite so. She stated that generally, you eat meals with her, but you have not eaten with her since breakfast yesterday. In addition, she heard your stomach rumbling during the night while you were sleeping.”

Well. Turns out that Jim was the asshole all along.

Which would probably be a great title if he ever wrote a memoir. _“Turns Out I Was the Asshole All Along: The James T. Kirk Story.”_

“Oh, man... I’m... I’m sorry, Spock, I just... Tom’s death has been kind of rough on me, y’know? He was...”

One of the only people who understood what it was like. A comrade. Someone who saved his life in ways he’d never be able to repay.

“He was a good friend. I... I guess I _have_ been kind of out of it for the past couple days, haven’t I?”

“You have indeed been acting irrationally. And while I may have not been the one to broach the topic with Dr. McCoy, I must admit some... concern as to your eating habits.”

Jim swallowed hard, trying not to let himself relive the years and years of doctors and therapists and his mother and Bones asking similar questions.

“I... okay, maybe I haven’t been eating as much as I should be, but I’m not like, _starving myself_ or anything.”

Which was true, he wasn’t starving.

He knew what that felt like, and this? This wasn’t it. He was just a little hungry.

Nothing he couldn’t handle. It wasn’t like he was holding off from eating, just in case he found someone who needed it more.

“Very well, Captain. However, I do feel I should correct one other statement that you’ve made.”

“Eh?”

Spock leaned a bit, and Jim couldn’t quite name the dark look in his eyes.

“If your eating habits were to ever interfere with the smooth operation of this ship, then as your first officer, it _would,_ in fact, be ‘my fucking business.’”

Jim had always thought that hearing Spock curse would be just as funny as hearing him try to puzzle out euphemisms.

Shockingly, laughter wasn’t even close to being the reaction his body had to hearing Spock drop an f-bomb. In fact, judging from the shiver that ran down his spine, it was a lot closer to...

Whoa. Okay, no. Stopping that one right here, right now, because there were _so_ many ways that could go wrong here. Spock was his first officer, for one, which probably violated like, seventeen different fraternization regs, and also, what were the chances Spock would even be into guys at all, let alone a guy like Jim? Vulcans probably got together based on logic, after all, and it was super illogical to be in a relationship that couldn’t produce kids, especially now that there were so few Vulcans left.

Even if Jim already had a half-Vulcan kid of his own.

Besides, Jim wasn’t into _Spock._ Sure, the guy was objectively pretty good looking, with those dark, chocolatey eyes and his high cheekbones and actually, now that Jim thought about it, he even had attractive _nostrils-!_

Okay, fine, so _maybe_ Jim thought Spock was kind of cute. It didn’t mean anything. He thought _Bones_ was kind of cute when they first met, and he still wouldn’t have slept with him if he’d been paid for it.

And sure, Spock wasn’t just cute, he was also... irritating as hell, most of the time, but he could be sassy and funny, and he was a lot easier to talk to than Jim would have thought, and he and Alice actually got along pretty well nowadays, and good _lord_ where was Jim going with this train of thought?

“Captain?”

Jim blinked, then blushed a little, laughing sheepishly as he took a step back.

“Uh, s-sorry, just... y-yeah, you’re, you’re right, it... I guess I of all people should know that it’s your business if... um.”

“Captain, are you alright? You appear to be a bit flushed.”

Shit.

“I-!”

Just then, his comm went off, and he grabbed it.

“Kirk here.”

_“Jim!”_

Jim had never been more grateful to hear Bones’ voice in his entire _life._

_“Jim, you need to get down to medbay immediately! It’s... It’s Riley, he... someone’s poisoned him!”_

Okay. So slightly less grateful now.

 

* * *

 

Jim’s mind was carefully blank as he entered the guest quarters that Karidian was staying in.

“We’re overdue for our talk, aren’t we?”

Karidian gave him a perturbed look as he closed his book and stood up from his bed.

“I had hoped you would have respected my privacy, Captain.”

“A moment ago, we narrowly averted an explosion which would have destroyed several decks of this ship. Before that, someone tried to poison one of my crewmen.”

The look on Karidian’s face didn’t change.

“I am sorry to hear that,” he replied as he opened his book back up and started reading it again.

“Yeah, sure you are.” Jim swallowed hard, mustering up as much courage as he could before taking a breath. “Are you Kodos?”

Karidian didn’t answer. Jim narrowed his eyes, taking a step towards him.

“I asked you a question.”

Karidian glanced at him over his shoulder.

“Do you believe that I am?”

“I do.”

“Then I am Kodos, if it pleases you to believe so.” He walked past the room divider. “I am an actor, I play many parts.”

“Sure, you’re an actor _now,_ but what were you ten years ago?”

Karidian didn’t answer right away.

“Younger, Captain. Much younger.”

Jim swallowed, glad that the only thing he’d eaten recently was that apple a few hours ago; anything more and it would have come back up by now.

“... So was I. But I remember.” He walked back over to Karidian, holding up the piece of paper in his hand. “Let’s see if you do. Read this into the communicator on the wall, it’ll be recorded and compared to a voice sample from Kodos. The test’s virtually infallible, so don’t even think about doing a voice or something. We’ll still be able to compare the sample to find out if you’re Anton Karidian... or Kodos the Executioner.”

Karidian looked at him for a moment after taking the paper, then looked down at it.

“‘The revolution is successful, but survival depends on drastic measures. Your continued existence represents a threat to the well-being of society. Your life means a slow death to the more valued members of the colony.’” Karidian- _Kodos_ wasn’t even looking at the paper anymore, as if he wasn’t even trying to hide the truth now. “Therefore, I have no alternative but to sentence you to death. Your execution is so ordered. Signed, Kodos, Governor of Tarsus IV.”

Jim swallowed again, trying his hardest to keep from shaking.

“I remember the words. I wrote them down, first on a scrap of paper I had in my pocket, then a million more times when it was over.” He took a step towards Kodos, willing himself not to break down, not now, not after so long. “You... you said them like you knew them. Hardly even glanced at the paper.”

“I learn my parts very quickly.”

“You sure about that? Are you sure that you didn’t act this role out in front of a captive audience before you blasted them out of existence without mercy?”

“I find your use of the word ‘mercy’ strangely inappropriate, Captain. Here you stand, a perfect symbol of our technical society- mechanized, electronicized, and not very human. You’ve done away with humanity, the striving of man to achieve greatness through his own resources.”

“We’ve armed man with tools. The striving for greatness continues. But Kodos-!”

“Kodos, whoever he was-!”

“Or _is!”_

“Or _is!_ Kodos made a decision of life and death. Some had to die so that others might live. You’re a man of decision, Captain, you ought to understand that.”

“All I understand is that _four thousand_ people were needlessly butchered!”

“In order to save four thousand others. And if the supply ships hadn’t come earlier than expected, this Kodos of yours might have gone down in history as a great hero!”

“But he didn’t. And history has made its judgement.”

Kodos glared at him, then smirked.

“Well, if you’re so sure that I’m Kodos, why not kill me now? Let bloody vengeance take its final course! See what difference it makes to this universe of yours!”

Jim’s head was swimming with emotions. He felt unsteady on his feet, weak and tired as he had ten years ago, facing this same monster that had taken _so much_ from him.

He could do it. His phaser was on his hip- all he had to do was switch to kill and pull the trigger, and it would finally be over.

Jim grit his teeth, squaring his shoulders.

“Th... Those are beautiful words. Gotta admit, you really _are_ a good actor.”

Just take it.

“Th-They change nothing.”

Take it out of the holster.

“No, I suppose not,” Kodos responded.

Take it out of the holster now, before he gets away again.

“They’re merely tools, like this ship of yours.”

Before he hurts anyone else.

“There are no previous... no previous records to Anton Karidian prior to ten years ago.”

_Kill him before he kills anyone else._

“Blood thins. The body fails. One is finally grateful for a failing memory. I no longer treasure life, not even my own.” Kodos’ eyes were misty. “I am tired! The past... is a blank.”

He looked back at Kirk, his face suddenly neutral.

“Did you get everything you... wanted, Captain Kirk?”

Jim clenched his fist, crumpling the paper in his hand.

“If I had gotten everything I wanted... you might not walk out of this room alive.”

With that, Jim finally left the room, practically sprinting out before he could change his mind and do something stupid.

 

* * *

 

**2258.115**

When Jim woke up, his head was throbbing, and the lights overhead made him wince and let out a groan.

“Ah, well look who’s finally decided to rejoin the land of the living.”

Jim blinked once, then twice, trying to force his eyes to focus.

“... Bones?”

Bones smiled, but it was definitely not Bones’ rare “happy to see you” smile. In fact, it was almost certainly his “if I hadn’t sworn an oath to do no harm, you would be _so dead_ right now” smile.

“Good morning, Sleeping Dumbass. Congratulations, you managed not to kick the bucket. Scared the hell out of half the crew and your little girl, though.”

Jim froze, his heart skipping a beat again.

“A-Alice... where is...?”

“Considering that it’s four in the fuckin’ morning, fast asleep. No thanks to you, by the way. Poor M’Benga spent most of his shift trying to calm her down before she finally passed out about three hours ago.”

Before Jim could respond to that, there was something cold pressed against his neck, followed by a short sting.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“Levodian flu vaccine. Ya don’t need it, but fuck you anyway.” Bones fixed him with a hard look. “Now, you wanna tell me why you lied to me?”

“Huh? What are you talking about, I haven’t-!”

“Kid, your blood sugar levels are _abysmal._ I’m surprised you didn’t pass out _before_ Lenore lost it and killed her dad. Tell me, have you eaten anything in the past two days besides that apple?”

Jim swallowed, shame washing over him like a deep, dark ocean, one he wished would just hurry up and drown him already.

“I... I just... it was Kodos, Bones, he was here and I had to- to get to him, had to-!”

“Jim-!”

“It didn’t seem that important, okay?” Jim finally admitted. “It wasn’t- I wasn’t _trying_ to- it’s not like I thought there wasn’t enough, like I did back on... I just _forgot.”_

Bones’ eyes softened, and he sighed, shaking his head.

“Jim, come on. You know as well as I do that it doesn’t _matter_ why you don’t eat. Your brain doesn’t react to normal amounts of hunger the way it should, and when you don’t eat-!”

“When I don’t eat, I risk relapsing, I _know,_ Bones. I’ve been dealing with this long enough to know that. It’s...” He swallowed again. “It wouldn’t have gotten out of control.”

“You don’t know that for certain, and if you’d kept this up? Jim, it might be _your_ health, but it’s not just _your_ life.”

“You don’t think I know that? I’m responsible for _four-hundred_ lives on this ship, Bones, I know what could happen if I’m not...”

Bones narrowed his eyes.

“Four-hundred and one, and that last one spent an hour in my office crying her eyes out and asking me if her daddy was gonna _die.”_

Jim flinched, his chest aching as regret stabbed at him. His eyes were starting to sting, and his vision was getting blurry.

“... What do I even _tell her,_ Bones? I... I never wanted her to know about any of this. About- About Kodos, about- about what I had to do on... how can I tell her?”

Bones snorted, although Jim could have sworn that his eyes were looking a little misty too.

“Shit, Jim, you think _I_ know? I barely made it through explaining the divorce to Joanna without drinking myself into a coma. And even then, Joanna was twice Alice’s age and hadn’t lost nearly every member of her species less than a year ago. But you’re gonna have to tell her _something,_ cause she’s not gonna let you off the hook without an explanation.”

He groaned, leaning back against the pillow.

“I’m a terrible father.”

“Please, if you were a terrible father your mom would have kicked your ass and gotten custody, and you know it. You’re a human being with flaws and traumas. Sooner or later, she was always gonna know that.”

The doors to the medbay slid open in the distance. Bones rolled his eyes, getting up from his stool and disappearing behind the medbay curtain.

“Dammit, if that’s Chekov again, I’ll... ah. What’re you doing up so late, and why do you have that?”

Jim couldn’t quite make out the other person’s reply. He heard Bones snort.

“You’re not his mother, you know that, right?”

The other person spoke again.

“Ugh, fine, he should get something in his stomach anyway. Wait, what’s in it?”

The other person spoke once more.

“What, did you hack into his medical records?”

This time, the other person remained silent. Bones snorted again.

“Didn’t have to go to the trouble, at this point I would’ve told ya. Well, go on. He’s awake, finally.”

A moment later, the curtain was pulled back again, revealing a rather tired-looking Spock holding what appeared to be a bowl of oatmeal.

It wasn’t the weirdest thing Jim had ever seen- or even the weirdest thing he’d seen today, thanks to that trip he took to the science lab to yell at Spock- but if he hadn’t been so tired, he probably would have laughed at the sight.

“Captain.”

Jim gave him a weak smile.

“H-Hey, Spock. Who’s that for?”

“You, sir. As you have not eaten a proper meal in approximately one point nine days, I believed that it would be logical to bring this to you.”

Jim swallowed, watching as Spock walked over to his bedside and placed the bowl on the little tray table, sitting up slightly.

“Spock, really, you didn’t have to. I’m fine-!”

“Fine has variable definitions. Fine is unacceptable.” Spock quirked an eyebrow. “And in this case, fine is an absolute falsehood. You collapsed due to extremely low blood sugar levels after witnessing a mass murderer be murdered himself. I have already examined a list of your food allergies, and have prepared this oatmeal accordingly. Now eat.”

“Hey, wait, I’m still the captain-!”

“Dr. McCoy has put you on medical leave for the next three days. Therefore, you are not the captain at the moment, _I_ am. And I am willing to make this an order.”

“Spock-!”

Jim stopped, almost taken aback by the genuine concern he saw when he looked Spock in the eyes. If _Spock_ was that worried about him, then he must _really_ have been a mess. He swallowed hard once more, then silently picked up the spoon. His hand was shaking as he dipped it into the plain grey-brown mush, scooping up some of it and holding it up.

His hand stopped halfway to his mouth, still trembling. He swallowed again, grimacing as he tried to force himself to either move the spoon to his lips or bend over and put the spoon in his mouth.

_Selfish. Wrong. Bad._

He had to eat.

_Selfish. Don’t need it as much._

He _had_ to eat.

_No, don’t have to, can make it without it, someone else might need it more, selfish selfish selfish selfishwrongwrongwrongcantdoitdon’tneeditselfishbadbadbad-!_

“Captain?”

Spock was staring at him with wide eyes, the concern from before having only grown.

Jim grit his teeth, shrinking in on himself a little as he put the spoon back into the oatmeal and sighed.

“I... look, Spock, I... I get that this is kind of lame, and if you make fun of me for it or- or tell the brass I’m unfit for command later, I-I totally get it-!”

“Captain, what do you need?”

Jim swallowed again, forcing himself to look up at Spock.

“I... I need you to tell me it’s okay.”

Spock blinked, creasing his brow a moment later.

“I... I do not understand.”

Jim sighed, looking away.

“I need you to... to tell me that it’s okay to eat. That it’s not... it’s not selfish to eat when I need to, I’m not... not taking resources away from someone else if I eat something.”

Spock was silent for a moment, and Jim braced himself for rejection.

Then he heard Spock take a breath.

“Cap... Jim.”

His heart skipped a beat, and he turned to look at Spock with wide eyes. His XO had a serious expression, like always, but something about his eyes was... almost tender.

“Jim, it is not selfish to eat. It is necessary for nearly every form of sentient life to consume sustenance in order to continue living, and as we are aboard a starship with well-maintained food replicators, it is highly illogical to deny yourself food. Even if every single replicator aboard the ship were to fail all at once and require extensive repairs, we would still have enough food to last several days, which would be more than enough time to arrive at any of three nearby stations. The only person you deprive of resources by not eating is yourself.”

Spock paused to breathe, and Jim swallowed again, his eyes stinging with unshed tears.

“So please. _Eat.”_

Jim bit his lip, then picked up the spoon and put some oatmeal in his mouth. It had gotten slightly cold, and it was unflavored save for a little bit of sugar- with Jim’s luck with allergies, it was better safe than sorry when it came to flavoring. He could practically _taste_ the replicator beams in it.

It was probably one of the blandest things Jim had eaten in years, and he’d eaten his fair share of baby food to try and convince Alice to eat it.

After two days without eating anything but an apple, though, it was delicious. He hadn’t even realized how hungry he really was until some of it was in his stomach, and then he couldn’t _stop_ eating, not until he’d practically cleaned the bowl completely. His eyes were burning when he finished, his cheeks wet with tear tracks.

And that was when he realized that Spock was still sitting next to his bed. He flushed with shame, clearing his throat as he pushed the tray away before wiping at his eyes. He laid back down, turning away from Spock and curling in on himself.

“... Sorry,” he finally managed to whisper, his voice more than a little rough.

“I... I am pleased that you enjoyed the meal.”

Jim snorted.

“It... it wasn’t the oatmeal, Spock. That was probably the blandest thing I’ve tasted in forever. No offense.”

“Captain, I simply typed the code for this into a replicator. Past experience has taught me that if I had attempted to prepare something for you myself, you most likely would have been unwilling to eat it due to taste, no matter how famished you were.”

That got an actual laugh out of Jim.

“So I guess you really _can’t_ do everything perfectly, huh?”

He could almost _hear_ the quirked eyebrow.

“I have never claimed an ability to do all things perfectly, sir.”

“Kidding, Spock. And it’s Jim. Now that you’ve called me by my name, you can’t go back to ‘Captain’ and ‘sir’ all the time.”

“I believe addressing you by your first name on the bridge may cause some confusion, Captain.”

“Jim. And just when we’re off duty.”

“Very well, then... Jim.”

Jim sighed, then rolled over, giving Spock a more genuine smile than the one he had before.

Then he frowned, clearing his throat.

“So... I’m, um, I’m guessing you’ve got some questions.”

“Fewer than you may think. Out of curiosity, I checked the ship’s library. Specifically, I cross-referenced the personal histories of Dr. Thomas Leighton, Lt. Kevin Riley... and Captain James T. Kirk.”

Jim’s heart stopped.

“The files I found were classified, and I am unable to access them at my current clearance level. However, I was able to discern that every file was related to a single report- one on the massacre on Tarsus IV ten years ago.”

“I... Spock...”

“I became suspicious upon learning this, and once it was discovered that Karidian was indeed Kodos the Executioner, they were confirmed. You are one of the survivors of the massacre, are you not?”

Jim swallowed, then turned away from Spock again, grabbing one of the pillows and curling around it.

“Jim. Please answer the question.”

“... I... I was fifteen. School was out for summer, and... and my mom was going on a mission for the first time in a while. She let me pick if I wanted to stay with my Aunt Bev on Tarsus or Grandpa Tiberius in Wisconsin, and... well, I guess you know who I picked. It wasn’t so bad for the first month, but... but then the crops started failing...”

“Jim...”

“At first, nobody was really worried. We still had the replicators, after all, and- and Starfleet would come and help sooner or later.” He gripped the pillow tighter. “The... the power plants went dark a week after most of the crops were gone. Animals started dying- there used to be sparrows there, and once they all died, the insect population just _exploded._ They devoured all the crops that had survived, and then they all just... dropped dead too. That was... that was when Kodos declared martial law.”

Spock didn’t speak, so Jim kept going.

“He rounded us all up, then divided us into two groups. One group would live, and the other... he vaporized them. One second they were there, the next, gone.” He swallowed, then took a breath. “I... I was supposed to be in that group. Aunt Bev switched places with me at the last minute, when she heard some guard say what they were really gonna do. They didn’t check to make sure _who_ was in what group, just that there were four thousand people in each group.”

“.... I do not understand. I had believed that Kodos’ decision of who lived and who died on Tarsus was based on eugenics. You are healthy, as well as physically attractive.”

Jim snorted.

“Gee, thanks, Spock... Kodos didn’t see it that way, though. I have allergies, and...” He sighed. “I have an attention disorder. I got an implant for it after, but back then, I was on regular medication that I couldn’t take on an empty stomach. I was a liability, a burden the colony couldn’t bear.”

“You were a fifteen-year-old boy.”

“Some of the kids in the vaporized group were as young as _seven,_ Spock. Age didn’t matter, although most of the survivors were young kids. Guess he wanted to- to rebuild Tarsus as his own ideal society, or some shit like that. Anyway, the rest of us were supposed to get rations after that, but... we all panicked. Everyone thought, what if Starfleet never comes? How long until he takes another two thousand of us and kills them ‘for the greater good?’”

Spock was silent again.

“A riot broke out. People attacked the food storage and tried to steal whatever they could for themselves; Kodos’ guards ended up killing another thirty people. We all fled into the woods, and... Tom and I, we ended up taking care of a bunch of younger kids. One of them, this little guy named Joey, he... he was younger than Alice is now. His parents were both in the vaporized group, he was all by himself... I ended up giving him all of my food. Whenever I got some, I ate a little and gave the rest to the kids. I kept doing that for a month, I... I was always hungry, but as long as I ate enough that I could still move, I was okay.” Jim swallowed. “I was always hungry, and I forgot what it was like not to be. What it was like to not feel like I was about to pass out, to not feel like my stomach was going to cave in on itself, to not be able to count my ribs and feel every bump in my spine...”

Spock was still silent. Jim was afraid to turn and look at him.

“S... Starfleet arrived right after the governor’s mansion burned down. No one knows who set that fire, but they found a body... my mom was on one of the ships that came down. When somebody found out who I was, they called her, and she... she beamed right down and hugged me. Just held me in her arms for hours and hours... I don’t remember anything else about that time. I can remember being in my mom’s arms, and then the next thing I can remember is being in the hospital on Earth.”

Jim glanced over his shoulder, just to make sure that Spock hadn’t left. A flash of blue was all he needed to confirm it before he turned away.

“I spent... I spent weeks in the hospital, then _years_ in therapy. I had to relearn eating habits, had to start sticking to a meal schedule so that I wouldn’t... that I wouldn’t relapse. I’ve spent the last ten years trying to convince myself that I’m not... that Kodos was wrong.” He swallowed. “There... there was a unit on Tarsus in a history class I took at the academy. It... well, it brought back some bad memories, and I... I relapsed. It was still early on enough that Alice doesn’t remember it, but... that’s how Bones found out about all of this.”

Silence.

“It... I was a minor when it all went down, so my name doesn’t show up in any of the official reports, and it’s not in my Starfleet file, either. Anyone lower-ranked than a captain can’t get access to the classified files without a medical override. I... I thought that Kodos was dead and gone, I thought I was... that I’d be okay.” He sighed, shaking his head. “Guess I was wrong about that...”

Yet more silence.

“So... that’s it. That’s my story. Do me a favor, will you? When... when you tell Starfleet that I’m unfit for duty, could you give me a heads up? I want to give Alice enough time to say goodbye to everyone.”

“Why would I inform Starfleet that you are unfit for duty? I do not see the point in giving them false information.”

Jim blinked, rolling over in his biobed and looking at Spock, who was impassive and stoic as ever.

“You’re... you’re not going to...?”

“I have seen no evidence as to why this entire incident should not be reported as a success. Your actions, while perhaps unconventional, led to the capture of a serial murderer and will provide closure to the survivors of the massacre. That you collapsed directly afterward could easily be seen as a result of the stress the situation put you in.”

Jim quirked an eyebrow.

“Why, Mr. Spock, are you saying that we should _lie_ to Starfleet?”

“Vulcans do not lie, Captain.” Jim could’ve sworn that Spock’s lips twitched upward. “They may, however, neglect to include unnecessary details in a strategic manner.”

Jim laughed a little, turning so that he was lying flat on his back.

“... Thanks, Spock.”

“You are most welcome, Jim.” Spock stood up, moving his arms behind his back. “Now, I believe that you should rest.”

“Yes, Mom.” He hesitated, sitting up a little. “Hey, um, wait.”

Spock paused, turning back to Jim with an arched eyebrow.

“Yes?”

“Just... I, um, I don’t think Alice is going to let me off the hook for this without an explanation, so...”

“Jim, of the two of us, you are the only one with any parenting experience.”

“I-I know, but I’m not... I’m asking for advice because... look, how do you think your mom would explain something like this to you? As... as a Vulcan.”

Spock blinked, surprised for only a second before resuming his usual expression.

“I cannot say for certain, but I believe my mother would simply tell me the truth.”

With that, Spock left, leaving Jim alone to ponder that.

In the end, when Alice came to see him the next morning, and after she finished crying and telling him off for scaring her like that, that was exactly what he did. He left out the more gruesome parts- as smart as Alice was, she was still only four years old- but he told her about what he went through on Tarsus, who Kodos was, and why he hadn’t eaten for the past few days.

It was kind of pathetic, but he was a little proud of the fact that he got through it all without crying again.

“... so, um... yeah. That’s... that’s the long and short of it, uh.” Jim tried to smile. “A-Any questions?”

Alice’s expression was startling in its Spock-like neutrality.

“Daddy...”

Jim tried not to flinch, bracing himself for what could only be an inevitable rejection from the person who mattered most to him.

A rejection that never came, because of course it didn’t. Instead, Alice reached out and placed her hand over his heart.

_“Tushah nash-veh k’odu,”_ she murmured quietly. “I grieve with thee, Daddy. I’m sorry that you went through all of that, and I’m sorry that Kodos got away with it for so long. You’re not a bad person or broken, though. You’re my daddy, and I love you lots and lots.”

Well. No one could blame Jim for bursting into tears after that little speech. Especially not with the waves of warmth and love Alice was sending him through their bond.

“Ah! Daddy, Daddy, why are you crying? Did I say something wrong- oof!”

Jim let out a wet laugh as he pulled his daughter close to his chest, holding her tight as his own mother had on Tarsus ten years ago.

“I love you too, buttercup. I love you so, so much, please don’t ever forget that.”

“I know, Daddy. But why are you crying?”

“Because I’m happy, Alice.”

“Daddy, crying cause you’re happy doesn’t make sense! You’re silly.”

Jim laughed again, pulling back again and pressing a kiss to her forehead.

“Yeah, I know. But I’m _your_ silly daddy, right?”

Alice grinned up at him, then kissed him on the cheek.

“Yeah, and I’m your little smartypants.”

Jim wasn’t sure what he’d done to deserve such a sweet, wonderful, perfect little girl as his daughter, but somewhere in his awful, miserable life, he must have done something good.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I didn't mention it specifically here because I couldn't figure out how to make it sound natural, but Jim's attention disorder is Attention Deficit Disorder With Hyperactivity, or ADHD. 
> 
> Recurring Roles:  
> Christine Chapel- Gina Rodriguez (there are too many white people on this ship as it is dammit)  
> Janice Rand- Kristen Bell (didn't appear in this chapter, but I love this casting so much)
> 
> Guest Starring:  
> Roger Korby- Eric McCormack  
> Dr. Thomas Leighton- Ben McKenzie  
> Martha Leighton- Mariska Hargitay  
> Anton Karidian/Kodos- Sir Ian McKellan
> 
> That's it for season 1 part 1! The next chapter will include "Shore Leave," an original filler, a scene directly after "This Side of Paradise," "The City on the Edge of Forever," and "Operation: Annihilate!"
> 
> Also, the next chapter is where the rating bump comes in, just FYI


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please note the rating change for this chapter!

**2258.172**

Jim sighed as he leaned over to sign the document Yeoman Barrows had brought him, trying to ignore the pain in his lower back. He glanced up briefly, smiling a little when he saw Spock walking over to him.

“Anything from the landing party?”

“They should be sending up a report momentarily, Captain.”

“Great-! Urk!”

Jim winced as he handed the PADD back to Barrows, feeling like someone had stuck a knife in his back.

“Something wrong?”

“S’nothing, just woke up with a kink in my back-!”

Suddenly, there was a hand on his back, slowly rubbing him. He was surprised at first, but soon enough relief started coursing through his veins and he found himself not caring.

“That’s it- oh, a little higher, please. Push, push  _ hard.  _ Dig it in there, Mr. Sp-!”

Spock stepped out in front of him, but the hand kept going. Jim froze, then glanced to the side, where Barrows no longer was. 

A flush bloomed high in his cheeks as he looked at Spock’s arched eyebrow.

“Uh. Um, I,” he cleared his throat. “Th... thank you, Yeoman, that’s sufficient.”

“You need sleep, Captain,” she commented. “If it’s not out of line-!”

“I appreciate the concern, but I get that enough from Dr. McCoy and my daughter, Yeoman. Thank you.”

“Dr. McCoy and Alice are correct, Captain. After what this ship has been through in the last three months, there’s not a crewman aboard who’s not in need of a rest. Myself excluded, of course.”

Jim rolled his eyes as Spock walked away, rubbing at them so that his gaze wouldn’t fall anywhere it shouldn’t. 

Not because he wanted to look or anything, it was just that he’d be sitting down while Spock was standing up, and it just so happened that his butt would be right in Jim’s line of sight from this angle-!

Okay. Fine. So  _ maybe  _ Jim had a teeny-tiny, itty-bitty, infinitely small crush on his XO. There weren’t any rules about having crushes, right? So long as he never ever acted on it, it technically didn’t constitute an abuse of power.

Although, now that he thought about it, there had been plenty of romances between captains and their first officers in the past. And technically, he and Spock were almost completely interchangeable in terms of authority. If he’d been into, say, Uhura- which would never happen, as she would almost certainly kick his ass- then it would have been a problem, but with Spock...

But, the crush wasn’t entirely Jim’s fault here, right? The guy brought him a bowl of oatmeal at four in the goddamn morning and listened to him spill his guts about his fucked-up head, and while Jim had had more than his fair share of sexual relationships in the past, affectionate relationships with non-family members were... well, uncharted territory. Who could blame him for falling for the first guy to show him non-sexual affection?

Even if said guy happened to be half-Vulcan, and had half a tree trunk up his ass.

His really nice ass, which happened to still be right in Jim’s line of sight-!

Jim cleared his throat, quickly standing up as his face reddened again.

“Have Dr. McCoy’s report channeled to my quarters, Lieutenant.”

“Aye aye, Captain,” Uhura responded evenly, although the look in her eyes said that if he didn’t get some rest, she was going to  _ make  _ him get some rest.

Traitors, every last one of them. He was fine. He was able to do his job, and he was eating enough food now, so it wasn’t like it was back when Kodos...

Jim suppressed a shudder as he stepped into the turbolift. 

Yeah. He really  _ was  _ just tired this time. No big deal.

Maybe a quick nap would do him some good, though...

 

* * *

 

“Psst... Daddy...”

Jim groaned, snuggling into his pillow without opening his eyes. He heard a sigh, then a small hand started rubbing his back gently.

“Daddy, it’s time to wake up...”

Slowly, Jim cracked one eye open, unable to stop himself from grinning when he saw Alice.

“Are you tryin’ to wake me up like I wake you up for school in the morning?”

“It worked, didn’t it?”

He laughed a little, sitting up in bed and ruffling her hair.

“Hey, do you know what you want for your birthday yet? It’s just a few weeks away now, you know.”

“I have an idea, Daddy, but maybe we should talk about it after Mr. Spock leaves.”

Jim blinked, then slowly turned towards the entrance to his quarters. Sure enough, there was Spock, his whole face neutral save for one arched eyebrow.

“Captain.”

Jim promptly turned the color of a ripe tomato, laughing sheepishly as he tugged the blanket up over his waist.

“H-Heeey, Spock... how’d, uh, how’d you get into my quarters?”

“Alice let me in, sir.”

Jim turned, giving his daughter a look.

“What? What did I do?”

“You didn’t think to wake me up  _ before  _ you let him in?” Jim whispered.

“Why? What does it matter? He’s seen you sleep before.”

“Yes, but right now, I happen to not be wearing pants.”

Alice arched an eyebrow. Oh, god, now she was doing it- Jim was going to be surrounded by eyebrow-arching logical Vulcans forever now.

“Daddy, you and Mr. Spock are both boys. And he’s seen you without pants on before, what’s so different now?”

“Because-! Look, I don’t wanna get into this right now, or- or for like, the next seven years or so, could you please just bring me my pants?”

Alice’s eyebrow arched higher.

“What’s in seven years?”

“The day Uncle Bones makes me tell you about the birds and the bees. Buttercup, please,  _ pants.” _

“What do birds and bees have to do with-?”

_ “Alice.” _

“Okay, okay!” Alice rolled her eyes, then walked over to the foot of the bed and dragged his pants back over to him. Jim quickly put them back on, hiding his naked legs as best he could. Admittedly, it  _ was  _ a little silly- Spock had seen him in nothing but a t-shirt and underwear before, after all- but with all these weird...  _ feelings  _ bouncing around in his head, something about letting Spock see him without pants now felt... well, kind of embarrassing.

“Uh, um, s... sorry about that, Spock.”

“It is of no consequence, Captain,” Spock replied, although Jim could’ve sworn that the tips of his ears were starting to turn a little green. He cleared his throat, holding out a PADD to Jim. “Dr. McCoy’s report has arrived, and we are ready to beam down the Starboard section for shore leave.”

“Oh, great! Which group are you going with?” Jim asked as he took the PADD.

“Not necessary in my case, Captain. For Vulcans, ‘to rest’ is to rest, to cease using energy. To me, it is quite illogical to run up and down on green grass using energy instead of saving it.”

“But it’s fun!” Alice replied. “Don’t you ever have fun, Mr. Spock?”

Spock arched an eyebrow, and Jim bit back a laugh.

“Y-Yeah, Mr. Spock, don’t you ever have fun?”

“I find my work to provide sufficient stimulation.”

Alice scoffed and rolled her eyes. Jim laughed, then paused when the intercom went off.

“Ah, hang on, guys.” He walked over to the intercom, pressing a button. “Kirk here.”

_ “Dr. McCoy calling from the planet, Captain.” _

“Great, open a channel for me, would you, Uhura?”

_ “Aye aye, sir.” _

There was a click.

_ “Captain, are you beaming down?” _

“Wasn’t planning on it, Bones. Why?”

_ “Well, either our scouting probes and detectors are malfunctioning, and all us scouts careless and beauty-intoxicated, or I’m gonna have to declare myself unfit for duty.” _

Jim blinked, then exchanged a quick look with Spock.

“Uh, what do you mean by that?”

_ “On this supposedly uninhabited planet, I just saw a large rabbit pull a gold watch from his vest and claim that he was late.” _

Jim paused for a minute, then snorted, covering his mouth as he tried to hold back a laugh.

“That’s- that’s pretty good, Bones. Alright, I got one for ya- the rabbit was followed by a little blond girl, right?”

_ “Matter of fact, her hair was brown. And she happened to have pointy ears.” _

Jim blinked, then slowly turned back toward his own brown-haired, pointy-eared Alice.

“What?”

“Bones, are you telling me that you saw my four-year-old daughter, who is currently standing right next to me, down on this planet?”

_ “Well, the girl I saw looked a lot like Alice, sure, but she was older. Closer to Jo’s age. But she looked exactly like Alice otherwise, and she followed the rabbit through a hole in a hedge.” _

Jim rolled his eyes.

“Alright, doc, I’ll... take your report under consideration. Captain out.”

“Daddy, do you really think Uncle Bones saw a big rabbit and a girl that looked like me but older?”

“I sincerely doubt it, buttercup. It’s just a McCoy pill with a little mystery sugarcoating. He’s been trying to get me to take shore leave for weeks now, afraid I won’t go if he doesn’t bait me.” Jim sighed, rubbing the back of his neck tiredly.

“Very well, Captain. However, there is something else that I came to discuss.”

Jim arched an eyebrow.

“Yeah? What is it?”

Spock held up another PADD.

“I picked this up from Dr. McCoy’s log. We have a crew member aboard who’s showing signs of stress and fatigue- reaction time down nine to twelve percent, associational reading norm minus three.”

“That’s way too low.”

“Indeed. He’s become irritable and quarrelsome, yet he refuses to take rest and rehabilitation. Now, he has that right, but we have found-!”

“A crewman’s right ends where the safety of the ship begins, Spock. Let that guy know that he’s going on shore leave, captain’s orders. What’s his name?”

“James Kirk.”

Jim blinked, his mouth falling open a little. He heard Alice giggle.

“Ooooh, he got you  _ good,  _ Daddy!”

Jim gave Alice a look, then turned back to his far too smug-looking XO.

“Now, see here, Spock-!”

“You are to report to the transporter bay to beam down to the planet immediately, by order of Captain James T. Kirk.” If Jim didn’t know better, he’d say that Spock was actually  _ smirking.  _ “Enjoy yourself, sir.”

Jim would have found all of this a little funny if it weren’t so damn infuriating. 

And if Spock’s sneakiness wasn’t actually turning him on a little-!

Okay, so maybe he really  _ did  _ need a break.

But his pride wasn’t going to just let this indignity slide, no sir.

“Alright, fine, I’ll head down to the planet. But as long as I’m giving orders, Spock? I hereby order  _ you  _ to keep an eye on Alice while I’m gone.”

The smirk immediately dropped off of Spock’s face, his eyes widening.

“Sir, I-!”

“Nope, captain’s orders, no arguing.” He smirked at Spock, clapping him on the shoulder. “Have fun!”

The utterly baffled look on his face was almost enough to make up for his wounded pride.

 

* * *

 

“Alice,” Spock started, making his tone as reasonable and logical as possible. “Alice, please do not sit in the captain’s chair.”

Alice giggled, spinning the chair around and peering up at him over the back of the chair.

“Why not, Mr. Spock?”

“Because you are not the captain of this vessel.”

“My daddy is, though. And since he’s a Kirk, and I’m a Kirk, that means that when I sit in this chair  _ I’m  _ Captain Kirk!”

“No, because you are not a Starfleet Officer, and therefore not in the chain of command. Now, please get out of the chair.”

Alice shook her head.

“No. I like this chair.”

Spock’s jaw twitched with irritation. Generally, he was fond of Alice, but her behavior at the moment was beginning to make him grateful for the likelihood that he would never be able to have children of his own.

“Alice, you are currently violating a multitude of Starfleet regulations, including regulation-!”

Uhura’s console beeped just then.

_ “Bridge, this is the captain.” _

“Hi, Daddy!” Alice called.

_ “Hey, buttercup.” _

Uhura chuckled, then cleared her throat.

“Bridge.”

_ “Has the first shore party beamed down yet?” _

“Negative, Captain, they’re just about to start.”

_ “Great, get this message to all shore parties- stand by, no one is to leave the ship.” _

Uhura blinked.

“Sir?”

_ “That’s an order, Lieutenant.” _

“... Aye aye, sir.”

_ “Good. Bye, buttercup. Kirk out.” _

“Bye, Daddy!” Alice called just before Uhura cut the connection. “Aw, that’s too bad about shore leave. Do you think they found the rabbit?”

“I do not know, but again, Alice, I must ask you to get out of the captain’s chair. It is not yours.”

Alice rolled her eyes, but finally did as he asked, dropping onto her behind and scooting out of the chair... only to run over and steal his own.

“I did not mean that you may take my chair!” He chided, stalking back over to her. 

“Whoa, Daddy was right, you  _ do  _ have lots of rules, Mr. Spock,” Alice commented before sliding back out of the chair and running to the other side of the bridge.

“Alice!” He called before trailing off in an exasperated groan. Next to him, Uhura stifled a giggle, and he turned to her with an arched eyebrow.

“And just what is so amusing, Lieutenant?”

Uhura shook her head, giving him an odd look.

“Well, it’s just... the only person I’ve ever seen rile you up like this is the captain, sir. It’s kind of sweet.”

Spock set his jaw.

“Vulcans do not get ‘riled up,’ Lieutenant Uhura. I am merely... perplexed by Alice’s behavior, as I would have assumed most people would be.”

“Ah, but you forget that I’ve known darling little Alice for almost three years now. I’m used to her being an excitable little sweetie pie.” 

“She is not behaving-!” Spock stopped himself, although Uhura apparently was able to catch his meaning.

“Like a Vulcan?” She finished, arching an eyebrow.

Spock did not flinch. No matter what the lieutenant claimed later.

“I... It would be illogical to expect that of her-!”

“Yes, it would, because that’s not all she is. And furthermore, the biggest Vulcan influence she’s ever had is  _ you,  _ Spock.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Just what are you implying, lieutenant?”

“Nothing. I’m  _ telling  _ you that, and you should really know this by now, Alice isn’t you. What was right for you when you were a kid might not be what’s right for her now, and even then, it’s not what Jim chose. Maybe when she’s a little older, but right now, being Human is what’s right for her, and being Vulcan is what’s right for you.” Uhura straightened. “Sir.”

Spock didn’t respond, instead looking back at Alice. She had approached the navigator’s station, and was now listening intently to Chekov complain about how he was not allowed to go with the landing party because of his young age.

“We should mutiny,” she suggested, looking completely serious. Chekov laughed, shaking his head.

“Da, we could hold the ship hostage until the adults listen to our demands.”

Uhura chuckled again, and Spock’s lips twitched involuntarily.

Though it felt... strange to admit, Uhura had a point. He and Alice were two very different people, despite their shared heritage. 

However, oddly enough he found that he did not truly desire her to be anything else.

Perhaps he should meditate on this.

 

* * *

 

This was officially starting to be just too goddamn weird.

First, there was Bones’ rabbit and an older Alice. Then, Sulu randomly found a handgun. Then goddamn  _ Finnegan,  _ who somehow still looked eighteen years old and was as much of a douche as he was in high school, randomly appeared and socked Jim in the jaw. Now Barrows had been attacked by fucking  _ Don Juan. _

Jim was starting to think they all might be super high off something in the planet’s atmosphere. He sighed as he ducked under a low-hanging branch, jogging along the path covered in bootprints.

“So much for a vacation,” he muttered as he jogged across a desert-like clearing, a small oasis appearing before him. “Sulu!”

No response. He sighed again, coming to a stop next to a flowery area and shaking his head.

The orange blossoms caught his eye. He stared at them for a moment, trying to identify them before realizing that they were marigolds. He smiled, picking one and gazing at it.

T’Vin had been fascinated by these flowers, he remembered. There was nothing like them on Vulcan, she’d said. All the plants there had evolved for a desert climate, save for a few that thrived in the small, more temperate climates there.

She’d been so much like Alice. So bright and full of life, curious... beautiful. In another life, they might have been happy together. Might have been a  _ family. _

He bit back a groan, shaking his head. He’d only known T’Vin a  _ week;  _ it was ridiculous to fantasize about stupid domestic shit like...

Like T’Vin in a simple yet elegant white wedding gown, her dark curls cascading down her back like a waterfall.

Which was exactly what Jim was looking at now. He blinked, then rubbed at his eyes.

T’Vin was still there, an amused smile gracing her lips.

“You’re not seeing things, James,” she all but purred as she walked over to him. A thrill went down his spine at that; for some reason, he’d always had that reaction to her calling him “James.”

“T... T’Vin,” he finally managed as she wrapped her arms around his neck. “T’Vin, how... you were... you can’t be-!”

T’Vin giggled, then got up on her toes and kissed him. Jim’s surprise lasted only a split second before he relaxed into her embrace, wrapping his arms around her torso. Her lips were as warm and soft as he remembered, and well, Jim couldn’t  _ remember  _ the last time he’d been kissed like this.

Or, really, kissed anyone who wasn’t a robot. 

Shit, when had he last been out on a date? Two, three years ago? It hadn’t ended in a kiss, he knew that for sure.

Come to think of it, when was the last time he got laid? The last time he could remember was... 

Two days before T’Vin had dropped Alice off at his mom’s house.

Jim’s eyes snapped open, going wide. 

It had been almost  _ five years  _ since the last time he’d had sex.

“Christ, no  _ wonder  _ I keep thinking about Spock like that!” He cried out in relief, breaking the kiss and startling T’Vin.

“Uh... what?”

“Oh, sorry, just- actually, you know what? This is  _ your  _ fault!”

T’Vin blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“Excuse me?”

“Yeah, it’s all your fault, cause  _ you  _ showed me how wild Vulcans can be in bed, and now that I’ve gone almost  _ five years  _ with only my hand for company, I’m projecting my desire for you onto my first officer!” Jim laughed triumphantly. “This is  _ great!  _ I don’t have a thing for Spock at all, my dick’s just confused because you and I had awesome, wild sex and I’ve unknowingly subjected myself to half a decade of blue balls!”

“Captain, while sexual frustration has been shown to increase stress, there is no evidence that it can turn any part of the Human anatomy blue.”

Jim froze, a flush creeping up his neck as he slowly turned around, finding himself face to face with his XO.

Who, for some reason, was not wearing a shirt. He knew that Spock was somewhat... hirsute from the one time he’d glimpsed it in the gym shower, but seeing his well-sculpted chest directly like this...

Well, Jim was sure that no one could blame him if his pants got a little tight. He cleared his throat, tugging on the hem of his uniform shirt to try and disguise the issue.

“I. Um. Uh... M-Mr. Spock, I... what are you doing here?”

“You wanted me here, sir,” Spock replied easily, walking over to Jim and arriving right in front of him in just a few steps. God, had his legs always been that long?

“Huh? I didn’t call you down-!”

Spock took his hand, and Jim’s brain stuttered to a stop. All he could was watch as his first officer raised his hand to his mouth, pressing a light kiss to Jim’s fingertip, then slowly pressed it against his lips until it went in.

Jim shivered, his heart beating wildly as Spock’s tongue- rougher than a human’s- wrapped around his finger. He heard T’Vin laugh, her arms wrapping around his waist as her head came to rest on his shoulder.

“You always did have such a lovely reaction when I sucked on your fingers, James,” she teased as her hand started to drift downward. “If I didn’t know better, I’d think that you were a Vulcan yourself.”

“I-I... um... uh.” Jim cleared his throat, whimpering a little when a hand- two hands, one T’Vin’s and one... god, one  _ Spock’s-  _ came to rest on the growing bulge between his legs. 

None of this... none of this made any sense. T’Vin was  _ dead,  _ for crying out loud, and Spock... Spock would never...

Spock would never look at him like that, dark eyes shadowed by long, thick lashes with those lips wrapped around his fingers. He’d never have a delightful green flush high in his cheeks, his bangs brushed askew as his hand... his hand was squeezing Jim’s...

“Sp... Spock, wait, I...” Jim pulled his fingers out of Spock’s mouth, swallowing hard. “I, um, uh... y-you... you don’t really want to-!”

“Jim.” 

His heart stuttered as Spock’s hands found his hips, pulling him closer. It occurred to him that T’Vin was no longer standing behind him, but he couldn’t bring himself to care about that. 

Not when Spock was pressing up against him like this, chest to chest, his hand gently tilting Jim’s chin upward. His lips were turned up in a smile, and the look in his eyes was... well it could only be described as pure  _ want. _

And oh, Jim  _ knew  _ Spock wanted him. He could feel it in very,  _ very  _ clear detail, and quite frankly it was a little distracting, especially since it was pressed right up against his own, uh,  _ want. _

“I... Spock...”

Spock smiled, then started to lean in.

“Don’t overthink this, Jim,” he whispered. “You deserve to relax.”

Before Jim could respond, Spock kissed him, and he melted into it. A little voice in the back of his mind was screaming at him, reminding him of how many regulations they were probably breaking, and how awkward this was going to make Alpha shift, and he had Alice to think about, and he didn’t even  _ like  _ Spock like this, and- and-

And... and Spock was a  _ really  _ good kisser, damn. Jim wasn’t entirely sure when he’d opened his mouth, but Spock’s tongue was teasing his now and it was  _ really  _ doing something for him to have that rough tongue on him and...

Fuck it. Jim wrapped his arms around Spock’s neck, moaning when Spock’s hands found their way to his ass and  _ squeezed.  _ He’d feel guilty about all of this later- right now he wasn’t Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise, the man who’d saved Earth from a time-traveling, vengeance-crazed Romulan alongside his Vulcan first officer.

Right now, he was Jim Kirk, tired single dad who hadn’t gotten laid in five years and was  _ super  _ into this guy with his tongue down his throat, it was useless to deny it at this point.

He was pretty sure that Spock was about to shove his hand down his pants when his comm went off. He groaned, breaking the kiss and pulling it out of his pocket.

“K-Kirk here.”

_ “Find Sulu yet, Captain?” _

“I-!” Spock’s lips found his jaw, and Jim’s mind went blank for a moment. “Uh... what?”

_ “Did you find Sulu, Jim?” _

Spock’s lips had moved to his neck. Jim swallowed a moan, sure that Bones would make fun of him forever if he found out.

Or report him to Starfleet. Either or.

“N... No, um, not... not yet, but I’m sure he’s, he’s alright...”

_ “You... you okay there, kid? You sound a little out of breath.” _

Probably because Spock’s hand had slipped under his shirt and he’d started teasing Jim’s nipples. Jim was having a lot of trouble keeping his knees from buckling at this point.

“Puh... Peachy, Bones.”

His comm beeped again.

_ “Rodriguez to Captain Kirk.” _

Jim bit back a groan, finally shoving Spock off and taking a step back. He listened to the other man talk about birds, eventually ordering that they should all meet at the glade. 

“Sorry, Spock, we better-!”

When he turned around, Spock was gone. He blinked, looking around the oasis. His comm beeped a third time.

“Uh... Kirk here.”

_ “Captain.” _

“Spock? Hey, where the heck did you go?”

_ “Sir, I have not left the Enterprise, as per your orders.” _

“Huh? But you were just here, you were-!” Kissing the life out of him. “Y-You were with me!”

_ “I assure you, Captain, I have not been down to the planet.” _

_ “It’s true, Daddy, he’s been with me the whole time! Also, me an’ Pavel are mutinying.” _

Jim blinked.

“Wait, buttercup, what do you mean that you and Chekov are mutinying?”

_ “W-We are not actually mutinying, Captain!”  _ He heard a panicked yet slightly giggly Chekov clarify.  _ “We are simply protesting the fact that we are not allowed to be part of landing party!” _

“That’s because you’re underage, Mr. Chekov. Also, Alice, you’re four. You don’t work for Starfleet- you don’t even have a job.”

_ “I’m almost five! And I’m  _ bored,  _ Daddy. Mr. Spock is  _ boring.”

He heard Chekov laugh, and he stifled a chuckle of his own.

“Yes, well, not everyone can be as cool as your daddy, sweetie. Anyway, uh, Mr. Spock, if you’re not too busy trying to stamp out the children’s crusade up there, could you tell me what you called about?”

_ “We are getting strange readings from the planet’s surface, Captain. There may be some sort of power field down there.” _

Jim quirked an eyebrow.

“Could you be a little more specific?”

_ “It appears to be a highly sophisticated type of energy that is draining our power and increasing its own. It is beginning to affect our communications.” _

“Can you pinpoint the source?”

_ “It could be coming from beneath the planet’s surface. Patterns would indicate some sort of industrial activity.” _

“Well, that’s just...  _ weird.  _ Keep me posted, okay, Mr. Spock? We’ll continue investigating down here. Bye, buttercup!”

_ “Bye, Daddy! Good luck!” _

He smiled, then signed off, sighing before furrowing his brow.

It didn’t make sense. Spock had been on the Enterprise this whole time, but he’d also been down here engaging in a rather  _ vigorous  _ make out session with him. It wasn’t a hologram or some kind of delusion- he’d  _ definitely  _ felt Spock’s hands all over him just a few minutes ago.

He bit his lip, then quietly tucked himself into his waistband before beginning his trek across the desert anew.

Whatever was going on down here, Jim wasn’t sure he liked it too much.

His comm rang again about half an hour later, and Spock did nothing to improve his mood with the admission that they hadn’t figured anything out yet.

“Well, you’re the science officer, Spock, I want some answers!” Jim demanded as he stopped to sit on a rock. “First there was Bones’ whole  _ Alice in Wonderland  _ with my daughter playing the title role thing, then Sulu found a gun, Rodriguez had his birds, and then my... well, uh, the people I saw.”

_ “Perhaps you were all hallucinating, Captain.” _

“One of them knocked me on my back with a punch to the jaw, Spock.” 

And the other two made out with him, Jim’s brain oh-so-helpfully supplied.

_ “That sounds like a painful reality.” _

“You don’t know the half of it,” he muttered, glaring at the thankfully smooth area between his legs.

_ “There must be some logical explanation. Your signal is very weak, sir, can you turn up your gain?” _

“It’s already on max.”

_ “Captain, shall I beam down an armed party?” _

“No, Spock, we’ve still got our phasers. ‘Sides, there’s yet to be any real danger-!”

“Captain! Take cover, there’s a samurai after me!”

“What the- ugh, shoulda kept my mouth shut. Captain out.”

He never did see the samurai, and quite frankly between this and the whole musketeer thing Sulu had had going on with the polywater virus a month or two ago, Jim was starting to get a little concerned, but before he could voice that concern he was interrupted by Spock’s arrival on the planet. It took longer than usual, but he eventually materialized.

Jim fought a flush, the memory of what he and... whatever that Spock-like thing was had done flashing before his eyes.

“M-Mr. Spock. I believe my orders were that no one was to leave the ship. And that you were supposed to keep an eye on my daughter.”

“Necessary, Captain. I was unable to contact you by communicator, and the transporter is useless to us now. As I told you before, there’s an unusual power field down here. It’s soaking up all the energy at the source. I have calculated the rate of its growth and reasoned that I just might be able to transport one more person.”

“Well, we could use your help, but what about Alice?”

“I believe that she and Mr. Chekov are viewing a holovid in the ship’s theater, sir. She mentioned something about a wrinkle?”

Jim blinked, then rolled his eyes.

_ “A Wrinkle in Time,  _ Spock. Which, by the way, she’s not supposed to watch without me because she gets scared whenever the It is onscreen and-!”

Both Spock and Sulu were staring at him, the former with an arched eyebrow and the latter looking far too amused. Jim flushed, clearing his throat.

“It’s uh, it’s a household favorite. Anyway, we... we should get going.”

“Captain, are you quite alright? You appear a bit flustered.”

Jim’s ears were burning.

“J-Just, uh, just a little hot, Spock, that’s all! Come on, let’s not keep the rest of the party waiting!”

He all but ran off before either of them could argue.

 

* * *

 

Spock blinked when the intercom in his quarters beeped, leaning over and answering it.

“Yes?”

_ “Uh, hey, Spock, it’s me. Can I come in?” _

“Of course, Captain. One moment.”

He pressed a button, and the door to his quarters slid open to reveal a rather nervous-looking Kirk. Spock cleared his throat, rising out of his seat.

“Captain.”

“Uh, at ease, Spock. And it’s-!” Kirk bit his lip, his cheeks reddening slightly. Spock frowned, arching an eyebrow as he took a step towards him.

“Jim? Is everything alright?”

Strangely, the use of the captain’s first name seemed to fluster him even further, the flush spreading across his cheeks and reaching his ears.

“I, uh, yeah, just... s-sorry, Spock, it’s... it’s been a weird day.”

“I had assumed so. However, you  _ do  _ seem much more relaxed than you were before beaming down to the planet.”

Kirk- Jim snorted, shaking his head.

“Yeah, beating the crap out of an illusion of your childhood bully is a pretty good way to unwind, apparently. I... I gotta admit, Spock, you were right.”

“That is the case ninety-eight point seventy-three percent of the time, sir.”

“What about the other one point... uh... twenty-seven percent?”

He straightened.

“That would mainly be attributed to my initial impression of you, Jim.”

Jim blinked, then smiled, just a little.

“Aw, Spock...” He cleared his throat. “That’s uh, that’s not what I wanted to talk to you about, though... Alice told me what she wants for her birthday.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“And this has something to do with me?”

“Well, sort of... she wants to go to New Vulcan.”

Spock blinked.

“New... New Vulcan, Jim? Why?”

“Well... there’s a monument to the people who died when... y’know.”

“When Nero destroyed my homeworld and slaughtered nearly six billion Vulcans,” Spock replied, trying to keep the rage out of his voice. “I am aware of the monument, but what does-”

“She wants to see her mother’s name on it.”

Spock blinked, then felt a sinking feeling in his stomach.

“... Oh.”

“Yeah. I, uh, I guess... I guess she wants to feel... closer to her heritage, and, well, I... I don’t think I can deny her that after all that’s happened.” Jim cleared his throat. “So, um, what I’m asking is... do you... is there someone I need to contact, or...?”

“It may be necessary to contact Starfleet to get clearance for this, yes. However, if it is necessary, I... I may be able to use my own shore leave for this visit.”

Jim blinked, looking surprised.

“Wait, really? You’d... you’d do that?”

Spock felt himself flush, clearing his throat and looking away.

“I... It is important that Alice engages with her heritage, as you have stated. Besides, I... I have yet to see the colony for myself.”

Jim was smiling at him happily, which was... doing something very odd to his internal organs.

“Thanks, Spock. I really appreciate it.”

Spock’s felt his lips quirk again, and he suppressed it before turning back to the captain. 

“You are welcome, Jim.”

Jim smiled again, then sighed, rubbing the back of his neck.

“Sir?”

“Oh, I’m fine, Spock, just... like I said, it was a long day, and well... Alice’s request kind of made it a little harder, considering what I saw down on the planet.”

“Ah, yes. You had believed that I was on the planet with you when I contacted you?”

Jim immediately turned bright red.

“Uh, um, y-yeah, I... sorry about that, Spock.”

“There is no need for apology, although I am now somewhat perturbed as to why you are blushing in this manner.”

Jim reddened even more, clearing his throat and looking away.

“I... well... I kind of... one of the people I saw down there was... it was T’Vin.”

Spock’s eyebrow inched higher.

“Alice’s mother?”

“Yeah, um... there were marigolds down there, and... she liked marigolds, so I started to think about her, and, well... she kissed me.”

An irrational spark of jealousy ran through Spock’s veins. 

“I... I see. But... why did you believe that I was on the planet, then?”

“Uh, well... I may have... I might’ve thought about how she didn’t have bangs like yours, and well... there you were.”

Spock blinked, then cleared his throat, straightening slightly.

“I see. So, it was simply an accident.”

“Y-Yeah... sorry...” He sighed, shaking his head. “Honestly, you didn’t really interrupt anything that interesting. I was... honestly super confused the whole time, and the fact that T’Vin was wearing a wedding dress was really distracting.”

“You... imagined Alice’s mother in a wedding dress?”

“Yeah- not cause I wanted to marry her or anything, I just... well, I can’t just date someone casually anymore, Spock. Not with Alice to think of. Anyone I date will have to be okay with the idea that they might end up being Alice’s new mom. Or other dad. Or, like, a parent of no specific gender, I dunno.”

Spock’s brain was still attempting to process the phrase “other dad.”

“Spock? You okay over there?”

He blinked, then cleared his throat as his ears started to burn.

“I... I was simply surprised to hear you state that Alice’s other parent may not be... female, Captain.”

Jim blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“Wait, Spock, did you... did you think I was straight?”

“I had assumed that you were heterosexual, due to the fact that you have a child, and that I have never directly observed you displaying any sort of romantic or sexual interest in anyone.”

“Wh- okay, one, straight people aren’t the only people allowed to have kids, and two... alright, so you have a point on that whole interest thing, as far as I can remember I haven’t even been on a date in two years, let alone...” Jim flushed a bit, clearing his throat. “Um. Well, you see my point. But, uh, no, I’m not straight, I’m pansexual.”

“I see. I apologize if I offended you with my assumption.”

“Huh? Oh, no, I’m not offended, Spock.”

Spock blinked, then arched an eyebrow of his own.

“Then why did you feel the need to inform me of your sexual orientation?”

“I dunno, because that’s kind of a thing friends tell each other?”

Spock’s other eyebrow rose. Jim flushed once more, crossing his arms.

“I mean, uh... unless you don’t consider us to be friends...”

“... I suppose we are friends, are we not?”

Jim blinked, then grinned.

Spock once again felt that strange sensation in his stomach.

He would have to meditate on this once Jim left.

Again.

 

* * *

 

**2258.195**

“Daddy, cut it out!” Alice chided as she attempted to squirm out of her father’s arms. Jim refused to acquiesce, instead applying more sunscreen to her cheeks.

“The climate of New Vulcan is supposed to be desert-like, buttercup, and that means that you could very easily get sunburned.”

“Daddy, I’m a  _ Vulcan!” _

“You’re  _ half-Vulcan,  _ and from personal experience I know that the Human half of you burns in two minutes unless you have sunscreen on.”

Alice rolled her eyes, then fixed her gaze on Spock.

“Mr. Spock, you’re half-Vulcan too, did you ever get sunburned when you were a little kid?”

“Not very often. Generally, Vulcans have skin that easily absorbs the rays of the sun that cause discoloration and discomfort.”

Alice turned to her father.

“See!”

Jim gave Spock a look, then released her.

“Well, for my own peace of mind, I want you to wear sunscreen.” He stood, walking over to Spock and holding out the bottle of lotion. “Here. Make sure she puts it on every couple of hours, alright?”

“Daddy, it’s my birthday!”

“No, yesterday was your birthday, today is just the day we made it to New Vulcan for your present. You’re wearing sunscreen.”

Alice made a face, folding her arms across her chest before stomping over to the transporter pad.

“Mr. Scotty, energize! Daddy’s a meanie-face!”

Scott snickered, covering his mouth with his hand.

“A... Afraid I can’t do that, Miss Alice. Can only energize if the captain or Mr. Spock approves.”

Alice huffed, and Jim rolled his eyes.

“Jim, I must agree with Alice on this. Her Vulcan physiology suggests that she will be perfectly fine staying in the sun for long periods of time.”

“Well her Human father says that sunburns are no fun at all and he doesn’t want her to risk it. Please just take the sunscreen.”

“Jim-!”

“Please, Spock? For my sake?”

The look on Jim’s face induced an odd reaction in Spock’s stomach, one that he would almost refer to as...  _ fluttery.  _ He cleared his throat, quickly taking the sunscreen and putting it in his own bag.

“Thank you. Now, we’ll be back to pick you guys up in three days, okay?”

_ “Okay,  _ Daddy! Don’t worry so much, Mr. Spock will be with me the whole time.”

“Yeah, but this is the first time you’re going somewhere while I’m staying on the ship.”

Alice shrugged.

“Just do what I do- bug Uncle Bones all day.”

Jim snorted.

“Yeah, you’re my little girl, alright. Well, be safe, okay?”

“Okay! I love you, Daddy!”

Jim smiled, but there was more than a bit of melancholy in his eyes.

“I love you too, buttercup. You take good care of her, alright, Spock? I’m counting on you.”

_ As if she were my own. _

Spock blinked, surprised by his own thought. It was certainly an illogical one- she was, by definition, not his child, as he would never be anyone’s father. 

But... something deep within him was certain that if necessary, he would protect this child with his life.

He did not inform Jim of this, though. Instead, he simply agreed to Jim’s wish and stepped onto the transporter pad.

“Energize.”

 

* * *

 

New Vulcan, as Spock had read, was very much like Vulcan-that-was. A similar climate, red sand stretching on for miles and miles, mountains and plateaus rising high into the skyline in the distance... all it was missing was the towers and buildings of the cities. 

The colony was still too new for that, of course. Instead, housing had been built within the hills, as it had been in Surak’s time.

Alice seemed delighted by this discovery.

“It’s like the Shire! But in a desert!” She declared before jumping into a pile of sand. Her boots sunk into it, and she giggled.

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“I was unaware that you had read  _ the Lord of the Rings, _ Alice.”

Alice shook her head as she broke free of the sand.

“No, Daddy’s just reading me  _ the Hobbit.  _ He says it’s important to have a solid base in classic literature.”

Interesting. Perhaps the captain was more Vulcan-like than Spock had previously given him credit for.

Before he could voice this, however, the door to a nearby house opened, revealing Spock’s mother.

“Spock! There you are!” She called, hiking up her robe and jogging over to him. Her arms were around his neck before he could protest, although he found that he had very little desire to protest at all.

He did find Alice’s giggle to be somewhat... embarrassing, however.

“Oh, it’s been too long, sweetheart.”

“It has been five point three-!”

“Spock, just let me be a sappy mom for a moment, alright?” His mother insisted, smiling warmly at him. Spock’s own lips twitched upward involuntarily.

“Very well, Mother. However, I feel I should point out that it is rude not to introduce oneself to a new person upon first meeting them, even if the other person is five years of age.”

“Oh!” His mother smiled as she released him, turning to Alice and kneeling to her eye level. “I’m sorry, dear. You must be Alice, right?”

Alice nodded, then bowed.

_ “T’nar pak sorat y’rani,  _ Ms. Mr. Spock’s Mom.”

Both Spock and his mother blinked, and Spock quirked an eyebrow. Alice grinned.

“Nyota taught me that. Did I do it right?”

“Well, yes, dear, but it’s a bit formal for someone your age,” his mother explained. “Most young Vulcans would say  _ tonk’peh.” _

“Oh.” Alice bowed once again.  _ “Tonk’peh,  _ Ms. Mr. Spock’s Mom.”

His mother laughed, shaking her head.

“You can just call me Amanda, sweetheart.”

“Okay, Ms. Amanda!”

His mother laughed again, then stood up, dusting off her robe.

“Well, come on in, then! We’ll get you all set up in the guest room, alright?”

“Kay!” Alice was practically bouncing as she took his mother’s hand. His mother turned to look at him, surprised.

“I will explain in a moment, Mother.”

She didn’t seem fully satisfied, but didn’t speak to him, instead chatting easily with Alice as they walked into the house. 

The house was much smaller than the home he’d grown up in on Vulcan-that-was, which was logical- his childhood home had been built over the course of millenia, while this house had only been constructed within the past few months. It was also decorated in a more decidedly Human style, owing to the fact that his mother lived in it alone. There were more photos around the house, as well- it was practically a slideshow showing Sybok, Michael, and himself growing up, with a few photographs from his parents’ wedding ceremony, the Human one his mother had convinced his father to participate in. 

There was, however, one thing that was extremely similar to his childhood home.

“Oh my gosh, a  _ puppy!”  _ Alice cried, sounding absolutely delighted as she ran over to the sehlat pup. “A  _ huge  _ puppy!”

“Mother, why is there a sehlat pup on your sofa?”

“Oh, that’s just I-Chaya, dear.”

“As I recall, I-Chaya passed away from old age when I was twelve.”

His mother rolled her eyes, though her smile belied her amusement. 

“She’s I-Chaya  _ the second, _ Spock.”

“She?”

“Yes, this one’s a girl. Isn’t she cute?”

I-Chaya the second had taken to licking Alice’s face, which had caused Alice to begin squealing happily as she scratched behind the pup’s ears. 

“... I find her to be aesthetically pleasing to an extent.”

His mother rolled her eyes again, then walked over to Alice.

“Alright, dear, would you like to see your room?”

“I get my own room?!”

His mother blinked.

“Do... do you not have your own room on the ship?”

She shook her head.

“I have my own room on Earth, but I don’t sleep in it a lot.” Alice frowned. “There are monsters under that bed and tapping on the window. I can’t sleep in there.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Alice, I sincerely doubt-!”

“Spock,” his mother interrupted gently before turning back to Alice. “Well, I promise, I checked and there are no monsters under the bed in the guest room. Do you wanna see?”

“Can I-Chaya come?”

His mother laughed.

“Yes, of course.”

“Kay! Come on, I-Chaya!”

The pup barked happily, following the two into the back of the house. He heard Alice gasp happily, followed by the sound of a soft thump and his mother laughing. A few minutes later, his mother exited the bedroom alone, closing the door behind her.

“She’s... she’s quite a character, isn’t she?”

“Though logically it is obvious, I believe it is accurate to say that she is her father’s daughter.”

His mother laughed again, shaking her head.

“She’s a lot more energetic than you were at that age, that’s for sure.”

Spock suppressed a flinch.

“That is to be expected, as Alice as spent most of her life around Humans and has mainly been raised as one by the captain.”

His mother quirked an eyebrow.

“And her mother agreed to that?”

“Her mother left her with Captain Kirk and his mother when Alice was three weeks old. As far as I know, that is the extent to which Alice’s mother was involved in her life before her death.”

His mother’s eyes widened briefly before her expression softened.

“I see... and she wanted to come see the monument for her birthday?”

“I cannot be certain, but I believe she desires to connect with her mother’s culture, if not her mother herself.”

His mother sighed, shaking her head.

“Poor thing... I’ll bet she’s glad to have you around, though.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow as he looked at her.

“How so?”

His mother gave him a look.

“Because you know what she’s going through, don’t you? You two are two of a kind.” She chuckled. “Well, three of a kind, really.”

Before Spock could question her, the doorbell rang, and his mother went to answer it.

“Oh, hello! I wasn’t expecting you so soon!”

His mother embraced whoever it was, then stepped back to allow them in. 

A moment later, much to his surprise, Spock found himself face to face with his older counterpart once more.

“Ambassador,” he greeted, quirking an eyebrow.

“Commander,” his counterpart responded, quirking an eyebrow of his own. “I was not aware that you would be visiting our mother.”

“I was not aware that our mother knew of your existence.”

“Spock, really, it’s not that big of a colony,” his mother started before putting her hands on her hips and quirking an eyebrow of her own. “Plus, I spent almost twenty-four hours pushing you out of my body. Do you honestly think I wouldn’t recognize my own child, no matter how old you got?”

“Mother,  _ please,”  _ both Spock the younger and Spock the elder pleaded. His- their mother laughed, shaking her head.

“Some things never change, I see. Anyway, the ambassador and I have lunch together a few times a week. Michael joined us when she was on shore leave a few weeks ago.”

“I have found it quite pleasant to spend time with our mother and sister,” the ambassador commented. 

The ‘again’ went unstated, although it hung in the air. 

It was logical, of course, that neither Spock’s mother nor Michael would still be alive at the point in time the ambassador had come from. Both were only Human, after all, and thus would not live as long as Spock or any other Vulcan.

Still, the confirmation that both had passed by the Ambassador’s time was... distressing to hear. Thus, he found that he could not fault the Ambassador for wishing to spend time with the two of them.

“Mr. Spock, Ms. Amanda, I’m hungry-! Oh.  _ Tonk’peh,  _ mister!”

Both Spock and his elder self turned toward her, raising an eyebrow. Alice tilted her head.

“Mr. Spock, is this your grandpa?”

Spock heard his mother snicker behind him; his counterpart seemed rather amused at the question.

“No, little one, I am not Spock’s grandfather. I am Ambassador S’chn T’gai Spock, son of Sarek.”

Alice blinked.

“I don’t get it.”

“In a sense, I  _ am  _ Spock. A future Spock, from a timeline both very similar and very different from this one.”

“So... you’re  _ both  _ Mr. Spock? Shouldn’t that cause some kind of temporal paradox?”

Spock’s counterpart arched an eyebrow.

“I believe that this timeline differs enough from my own that the commander and I could be seen as two different people. You’re quite well-spoken for someone your age.”

“Daddy says that it’s cause I’m a Vulcan and a Kirk. Hey, if there’s another Mr. Spock, does that mean that there’s another Daddy?”

His counterpart’s smile fell, unmistakable sadness flashing in his eyes.

“... There was.”

Alice’s face fell, and she turned her gaze to the floor.

“Oh...” She cleared her throat, looking back up at the Ambassador.  _ “Tushah nash-veh k’odu.” _

His counterpart blinked, then smiled once more.

“Thank you, little one. I am sure that he would have been quite happy to know you.”

“Course he would,” Alice replied easily. “He’s my daddy.”

Spock could not help how his lips twitched upward at that.

 

* * *

 

“Would you get out of my sickbay already!”

Jim whined as Bones pushed him out the door.

“But Bones, I’m  _ bored!” _

“That sounds like the absolute  _ opposite  _ of my problem, kid. Swear to god, if you get this miserable over your daughter being gone for a few days, I can’t imagine how bad you’re gonna be when she heads off to college.”

“Don’t remind me,” Jim groaned. “She’s growing up  _ so fast,  _ Bones, I can’t stand it!”

“Yeah, welcome to my life, now get! Go, I don’t know, drink or something. Watch a porno, get some paperwork done, gorge yourself on meat, hell,  _ swear,  _ whatever it is you can’t do with her around! Just leave me alone!”

Before Jim could respond, the door to the medbay slammed shut in his face. He huffed, straightening out his uniform.

“Some friend you are,” he muttered before heading back towards his quarters.

His extremely empty quarters. With no little girls to read to, or to hug, or to sing to, or-!

Okay, so maybe Bones was right. Maybe he’d been a dad so long, he’d forgotten how to be just Jim. 

He sighed as he entered his quarters, prying off his boots and flopping onto the bed face first. With no Alice, it was a lot roomier, but it felt... empty. Lonely.

He wasn’t too fond of feeling lonely. 

Jim groaned, turning over so that he was lying on his back and staring at the ceiling. 

Alice and Spock were staying with Spock’s mother on New Vulcan. Right now, they were probably finishing up dinner. Alice was probably asking Spock a million questions, and he was probably answering them dutifully and patiently as always.

He might even smile.

Spock had a nice smile, when he let himself smile. And such nice, dark eyes... and such a gorgeous green flush-!

Jim groaned again, covering his face with his hands. Ever since that... encounter with the fake T’Vin and Spock on that shore leave, he hadn’t been able to stop thinking about Spock.

Which, to be fair, wasn’t exactly new. His first officer had often crept into his thoughts for the past few months, much to his own frustration.

After that shore leave incident, though, it had taken a sharp turn towards... well, towards the sexual. 

_ Extremely  _ sexual. If he’d thought that having sex with the fake Spock would have made things awkward on Alpha shift, then  _ not  _ having sex with the fake Spock brought it up to eleven awkwardness-wise. Everytime he managed to catch sight of Spock’s ass in those tight, tight regulation pants when he bent over at his console, well... he hadn’t practiced the old waistband tuck so much since he was fifteen. Going to the gym was almost  _ impossible-  _ not when there was a chance he’d catch Spock waling on a punching bag, clad only in sweat pants and a loose-fitting tank top. 

And if, god forbid, Spock had ever wanted to  _ spar  _ with him, there was absolutely no way he’d be able to keep himself from going off like a shot in his pants.

And then Spock would  _ know,  _ everyone would  _ know,  _ and that would be the end of James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS Enterprise.

Of course, his dick didn’t care about any of that. The minute he’d thought about Spock’s ass, it had gone straight to attention. He glared down at the tent in his pants, which of course didn’t diminish no matter what he tried.

Probably because he hadn’t jerked off since the shore leave incident. He couldn’t let himself do it, couldn’t take the chance that Spock would hear him in the shower, or worse,  _ Alice  _ would hear him.

But... Alice and Spock weren’t here. They were both down on New Vulcan, would be for the next few days. 

He had the place all to himself.

Jim bit his lip, then sighed, stripping out of his uniform top and black undershirt before shoving off his pants. He took off his socks slowly, trying to talk himself out of this before it was too late to stop. Before he knew it, though, he was sitting on the bed in just his boxer-briefs, glaring at the tent in them.

_ Fuck it. _

That was the last thing Jim thought before shoving his hand in his shorts. He hissed at the feeling of skin on skin, relishing in the sensation he’d denied himself for far too long. He pulled his underwear down past his thighs, gripping himself at the base before slowly starting to stroke.

He wondered what it would feel like to have Spock’s hand stroking him instead of his own. Would Spock be gentle with him? He couldn’t imagine him whispering sweet nothings, but... somehow  _ rough  _ didn’t seem to fit either.

Did Vulcans even give handjobs? He knew they were weird about their hands- high sensitivity, in a good way. Must be amazing when they jerked it.

Wait... did Vulcans masturbate? He knew T’Vin did- now  _ that  _ had been a fun night. But T’Vin hadn’t exactly been a run-of-the-mill Vulcan, so for all he knew, Spock hadn’t ever...

Jim shivered, pressing down on the slit of his cock with his thumb. Oh, but wasn’t  _ that  _ a pretty idea, Spock with his face all flushed and his hand wrapped around his...

Well, it was  _ probably _ a cock. T’Vin had mentioned how different Jim’s dick was from Vulcan penises, and... okay, so  _ maybe  _ Jim had peeked in the gym shower for a split second. It was mostly an accident, and he hadn’t been able to discern anything about it other than the fact that it existed. And since Humans and Vulcans could cross-breed, it probably looked like Jim’s to some extent.

It was probably green, like the rest of Spock. Green and... maybe a little longer than Jim’s, but thinner. 

Yeah. Long, lean, and god,  _ gorgeous.  _ The things he could do with that cock... he wondered what Spock would look like while Jim sucked him off. Would he moan? Whimper? Blush?

Beg for more?

That might not get him to beg, though. No, he’d need more... 

Maybe if Jim took those long, perfect fingers and guided them between his legs, then lower and lower until they reached Jim’s...

He groaned, thrusting up into his own hand. Warmth had started to pool deep in his gut, and he knew he wouldn’t last much longer now.

He’d make Spock lose it, he knew he could. He’d spread his legs and take Spock in, inch by inch, slowly at first, then hard and fast, stopping every once in a while to grind down and clench on him, making him more and more desperate until Spock finally couldn’t take it anymore and flipped them over. He’d start  _ pounding  _ Jim then, going in so deep and filling him up so perfectly, they’d both be moaning and gasping, and then Spock would let out a guttural cry and just... press his lips to Jim’s and-!

“Fuck,  _ Spock!” _

A ribbon of white erupted from Jim’s cock just as pleasure overwhelmed him, his hips jutting up into the air as he cried out and stroked himself through it. He shook with the force of it, panting and gasping until he finally collapsed back onto the bed, trying to catch his breath.

Holy shit.

Holy  _ shit. _

He hadn’t had an orgasm like  _ that  _ since... well, since T’Vin.

Jim was dimly aware of the cooling mess on his thigh, but he found that he couldn’t be bothered to clean it up. 

If just fantasizing about Spock was enough to get him off like that, then what would actually having sex with the guy be like?

Jim blinked, then grimaced, shaking his head.

It was useless to wonder about that. It would never happen.

And Jim was never,  _ ever  _ going to use his first officer as wank fodder again.

 

* * *

 

Jim ended up thinking about Spock while jerking off five times over the next two days.

He might be a little in over his head.

 

* * *

 

**2258.196**

Alice was quieter than Spock had ever seen her while she looked at her mother’s name on the monument. Her face, normally so expressive, was completely, carefully blank. 

It was... a troublesome departure from her earlier behavior.

Spock was not sure that he appreciated this change. He understood it, of course- he too had felt the need to become stone-faced upon reading his father’s name on the monument- but Alice was not him. Alice was bright, exuberant, and above all else, emotional.

For her to suddenly show no emotion was troubling indeed. Especially since she kept the act up for the rest of the day, speaking only to bid him and his mother a good night before going to bed.

It was not until approximately 2200 hours that any sound came from her room. At first, it was simply a gasp, then a whimper, until soon enough a quiet, steady stream of sobs was flowing out of her room.

Spock froze, quickly placing the PADD he’d been reading from onto his bed and getting up. He hesitated in front of her door for only a second, then knocked, only to find the door had not been shut at all. He could make out two forms on the bed- one Alice, and one I-Chaya the second. Alice’s form was shaking in the moonlight- something that Spock was unused to, since Vulcan-that-was had no moon.

“Alice?” He inquired gently as he took a step into Alice’s room. “Is... is everything alright?”

Alice let out a small squeak, her small form flopping back onto the bed and burrowing into the blanket.

“I-I’m fine! S... Sorry to wake you, Mr. Spock...”

I-Chaya whined, walking over to Alice and nudging her with her snout. Spock hesitated, then walked over to her bedside and kneeled down. 

“Fine has variable definitions, Alice, and in this case, I’m not sure that any of them apply to you. Why are you crying?”

“I-I’m not...”

“You have been. Did you have a nightmare?”

A pause, then Alice shook her head.

“No? Then perhaps... would you like to contact your father?”

She shook her head once more.

“He... he wouldn’t understand...”

“What wouldn’t the captain understand, Alice?”

She shook her head again.

“You wouldn’t understand either...”

“You cannot be certain of that if you do not tell me what has upset you-!”

“Yes I can! I know that your mommy loves you, Mr. Spock!”

Spock blinked, then quirked an eyebrow.

“My... my mother?”

“Your mommy loves you, and... and Nana loves Daddy, but my... my mother didn’t want...”

A sinking sensation occurred in Spock’s stomach when he realized what she meant.

“You are upset because your mother abandoned you,” he murmured. 

Alice shook her head once more.

“No. Well, yes.” She sighed. “I dunno... I love Daddy lots and lots, and I’m glad he’s my daddy, but... my mother didn’t want to be my mother, but... I-I’m still... I’m still sad that she’s gone, and I don’t...”

“Alice...” 

Alice finally sat up, and in the dim light of the moon, Spock could make out the tear tracks on her face. 

“I-I don’t know why I’m sad, Mr. Spock. I don't... I don’t think I loved her at all, I never even really  _ knew  _ her, but she...”

“She was your mother. For Vulcans, that is a bond that runs deep, starting before we are born. You are grieving, as are all Vulcans.” He hesitated, then gently placed his hand on Alice’s back. “The loss of Vulcan-that-was... it is becoming known as  _ Va’Pak,  _ the Immeasurable Loss. We all feel the same pain from it, we all feel the loss of those we did not even know. Perhaps it is not logical, but... grief very rarely is.”

“M-Mr. Spock...”

“Your feelings may not seem to make sense, but that does not mean they aren’t real. Do you understand, Alice?”

Alice stared at him, her eyes wide and wet, then suddenly whimpered, diving forward and wrapping her arms around his torso. Spock blinked in surprise, but as she sobbed into his chest, he found he had no desire to push her away.

He simply could not deny her this small comfort.

 

* * *

 

**2258.317**

Spock had been avoiding him. 

Well, that was kind of inaccurate. Ever since the incident on Omicron Ceti III, Spock had basically been avoiding  _ everyone  _ outside of work _.  _ At first, Jim had assumed he’d just been embarrassed about being so openly emotional in front of everyone, but that didn’t explain why he’d been avoiding Alice, whom he’d become quite close with since her birthday. Alice had told him how he’d comforted her after she was upset about her mother- surely he wouldn’t been embarrassed about being emotional in front of her.

Jim was stumped, and honestly, after everything that had happened? He was a little hurt. He knew that he’d said some awful shit to get Spock to snap out of it, but he’d apologized and made up for it by learning how to make plomeek soup from scratch.

He still counted the look of surprise and delight on Spock’s face when he’d tasted it as a great victory. Let it never be said that Jim Kirk couldn’t cook anything and make it delicious.

So, yeah, Jim was stumped. And he was really  _ sick  _ of being stumped.

Which was why, after three weeks of being avoided, Jim finally just asked Spock to meet him in his ready room.

“Captain? You wanted to speak with me about the progress on the Muldernite plant?”

Jim grinned sheepishly. 

“Actually, no. Sulu told me about it an hour ago. That was just a lie to get you to come in here.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Sir?”

“Jim. Spock, you’ve been avoiding me.”

“I have not-!”

“You’re right, you’ve been avoiding  _ everyone,  _ including Alice, and she knows you have emotions, Spock. Ever since the whole pod plant thing, you’ve pretty much spent all your time in your room when you’re not working. You won’t talk to anyone if it’s not work-related, you’re even more rigid than usual, and you... Spock, I’m worried about you.”

Spock blinked, his eyes widening a bit.

“You... you are...?”

“Of course I am! You’re my friend, Spock, I care about you! And I know that... that losing your control like that is probably awful, it’s everything you strive to keep from happening, and I... I just want to help.”

“Jim...” Spock swallowed, shuffling a bit. “I... I cannot...”

“Spock, what happened down there clearly freaked you out. I promise, whatever you need to say, it’ll stay here. Completely confidential.”

Spock... well, Spock bit his lip, and Jim’s concentration was slightly lessened, but he was pretty sure that he hid it well.

Then he sighed.

“It... it is about... what happened between Dr. Kalomi and myself.”

Jim blinked, then grinned.

“Wait, are you... Spock, are you just embarrassed because-!”

“It is not embarrassment, Jim. I am... I felt  _ violated.” _

Jim’s grin immediately fell.

“V... Violated?”

“Yes. Dr. Kalomi... she had feelings for me, feelings that I did not return. However, while under the influence of the spores, I...”

Oh. Oh,  _ god. _

“Okay, Spock? I know that I said that this could all be confidential, but if... if something happened-!”

“Captain, you misunderstand. At no point did Dr. Kalomi and I engage in...” The tips of Spock’s ears turned green. “In sexual intercourse. I do not mean to imply that I was... assaulted. However, I... I find myself uncomfortable with what she and I did, as I had not...”

Spock trailed off, and Jim took a step towards him.

“You hadn’t what?”

“... I had never... I had never kissed a woman before.”

Jim blinked.

“You... wait, so... so she was your first kiss?”

Spock was  _ definitely  _ blushing now.

“That... that is not what I said, Jim. I had not kissed a  _ woman  _ before.”

Jim’s heart stopped, then started up at a new, stuttering pace.

“Y... You, you mean...” Jim cleared his throat. “Spock, are you, uh, are you saying you’ve kissed guys before?”

“I have, though it has been... some time since I engaged in that particular activity.”

“Oh.”  _ Be cool, Jim. Don’t let him know that you’ve got a massive crush on him and this information is kinda feeding the flames.  _ “So, uh, have you just not, y’know... kissed a woman because you’ve never had the opportunity, or-?”

“I have had... ample opportunity, I simply... have never been interested in such things with women.”

“Ah.”

Well, that... that explained a few things. Like why Spock hadn’t shown interest in any of Mudd’s women, despite the pheromones, or was decidedly uninterested in the objectively attractive Christine Chapel, or why he’d looked as uncomfortable as Sulu did with the replicas of Bones’ showgirls.

He’d attributed it to Spock’s Vulcan half, but... maybe he’d been uncomfortable for the same reason Sulu was uncomfortable.

“So... are you gay, then?”

“I had not thought to label myself, but as that term appears to fit as of this time... I suppose so.”

“Huh.”  _ Don’t say anything stupid, this is probably really big for him.  _ “Neat.”

Dammit.

“My discomfort with what happened between Dr. Kalomi and myself, then, is a result of my discomfort with the fact that such a preference appeared to be of no concern to the colonists, and I may have ended up in a more... intimate situation with someone I did not have any affection for.” He straightened. “And then I considered it further, and realized that that may be exactly what has happened to some of those colonists.”

Jim’s eyes widened.

“I... shit, I didn’t even think about that...”

“I am uncertain as to whether the colonists have either. From personal experience, I can confirm that while under the influence of the spores, I... I was happy to do the things I did. I  _ wanted  _ to, but I... I cannot fathom ever doing so while still in control of myself. Especially not with...”

“Spock... so the reason for you avoiding everyone else is...?”

“It has nothing to do with the crew specifically, I simply...the incident forced me to reexamine certain truths about my sexuality that I had not considered for some time, and I... I found myself conflicted.”

“Conflicted?”

“I am a member of an endangered species, yet my own attraction makes it unlikely that I will ever enter a union that could produce a child.”

Jim swallowed, then shook his head.

“Spock... look, you can’t put all of that on yourself. Maybe you’ll have biological kids, maybe you won’t, but you can’t guilt yourself over something that you  _ literally  _ can’t help.”

“I am aware, Captain, and in any case, even if I were attracted to women, it would be a moot point.”

Jim blinked, then cocked his head to the side.

“Uh... what does that mean?”

“Due to my hybrid physiology, it is highly unlikely that I will ever be able to father a child.”

Jim’s eyes widened, his heart sinking a little.

“Wh... What?”

“It is unlikely that I will ever have children of my own, Captain.” He paused, arching an eyebrow when he saw Jim’s expression. “Is... is something the matter, Jim?”

“Eh? Oh, no, it’s... well.” Jim sighed, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s just... I know that it’d be up to Alice if she wanted kids one day or not, and it’s a long ways away, but... well, I’m a little worried about how she’ll take it-!”

“That may be unnecessary, Jim. Alice and I may share a heritage, but we do have some key differences. For one, I was conceived through embryo implantation, while Alice...” Spock’s ears turned green again, and he coughed. “Well, I assume she was conceived in the normal manner.”

“I mean, I didn’t see T’Vin stealing a vial of my spunk or anything, so I’m assuming so.”

Spock, apparently, could turn a  _ very  _ bright green when he was embarrassed enough. Jim would feel bad, but to be perfectly honest it was downright  _ adorable. _

“Yes. Well. In any case, it may be that the artificial nature of my conception is a key factor in my own inability to have children. It may be that Alice has no trouble conceiving, should she choose to do so.”

Jim sighed in relief.

“Thank god. I mean, it’s a long,  _ long  _ ways off, and for all I know Alice won’t want kids for whatever reason, but at least she’ll have the choice.” Jim flinched. “Er, sorry, Spock, I didn’t mean-!”

“I take no offense, Jim. As I have stated previously, were I to enter a union, the likelihood that my partner would even be able to bear children- let alone want to- is extremely low.”

No specific percentage. Spock must be uncomfortable with that reality, then.

“Well, yeah, but there’s always adoption, right?”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Adoption, Captain?”

“Yeah- wait, do Vulcans not have adoption?”

“We do. However, I had never considered it in reference to myself.”

Jim blinked.

“Uh... why not? Do you just... not want kids?”

He’d never say it out loud, but a tiny, tiny part of Jim was really hoping that Spock would say he did.

“That is not...” Spock looked... almost pained, briefly. “You must understand, Jim, I... I was informed of my probable infertility at a young age.”

Jim quirked an eyebrow.

“How young are we talking here?”

“... I was eleven Terran years of age.”

His eyes widened.

“Eleven Terran-! Spock! Jesus, they told you that you can’t have kids when you were just barely starting puberty?”

Spock blushed again.

“It was at that point that it became clear that my... anatomy differed enough from both Vulcans and Humans that... it seemed logical at the time to inform me of the reality. However, I do recall my mother reacting in a similar manner to how you are reacting now.”

“Well, yeah, because Humans generally don’t spring something like that on a kid when we can help it.”

“I see. That may have been a... kinder choice. As it stands, I had been so focused on the idea that I will not be able to be a biological parent, I had not considered that there are other ways to be one.”

Jim smiled.

“Well, just... remember that from now on, yeah? Someday, when you’re with the right person, cause let me tell you, as much as I love Alice being a single dad is  _ hard.” _

Spock quirked an eyebrow, looking highly amused.

“Noted, Captain.”

Jim laughed, then paused before clearing his throat.

“So, uh... does, does anyone else know that you’re... y’know...”

“Gay, Jim?”

Jim cleared his throat again, willing himself not to blush.

“Yup.”

“... Lieutenant Uhura is aware.”

“Wh- Uhura? Why does Uhura know?”

Spock blushed lightly.

“She... was attracted to me early on in this assignment, and attempted to... ask me on a date. I felt it necessary to disabuse her of the notion that I would ever reciprocate, and so I... disclosed that I had not ever experienced attraction to a woman.”

Ah. Well. No wonder Uhura had been kind of awkward around Spock for like a week.

“So, then... Uhura and I are the only ones who know?”

“On this ship. I would assume my counterpart is aware, since he  _ is  _ me in a sense.”

Jim resisted the urge to roll his eyes. He was still a little annoyed at Spock and old Spock for the whole “never the two selves shall meet” crap they’d pulled. His Spock had apologized, but old Spock had simply gone on about how he’d just “implied it” and let Jim come to his own conclusions, all with that twinkle in his eye that suggested it was something he learned from Jim’s own counterpart way back when.

He was starting to wonder if the relationship between old Spock and old Jim wasn’t quite as frustratingly platonic as his was with his own Spock.

Not that he didn’t like being friends with Spock. Sure, being friends with a Vulcan was a little different from being friends with, say, Bones, but he liked spending time with Spock, and playing chess, and talking to him, and he liked how Spock’s lips would twitch upward whenever Jim managed to amuse him, as if he was trying not to smile-!

And, okay. Yeah. Jim had it  _ bad.  _ Like,  _ stupid  _ bad, worse than he’d ever had it before. And yeah, even now that he knew that Spock was gay, it didn’t mean that Spock was into him, would  _ ever  _ be into him.

But, y’know. Can’t stamp out every little bit of hope.

“Okay. Well, uh, I’m... I’m glad you felt comfortable enough to tell me.”

“I had wished to do so when you disclosed your own sexual orientation to me, Captain, but, well... I had not been comfortable thinking about until this incident forced me to do so.”

“Hey, you don’t have to disclose anything before you’re ready to. It’s nobody’s business but your own, y’know?”

Spock’s lips twitched upward.

“Indeed, Jim.”

And, well, Jim couldn’t help it if his stomach started to do somersaults.

 

* * *

 

**October 18th, 1930**

Jim stumbled as he and Spock fell into the past, Spock’s grip the only thing keeping him from tumbling into the street. His eyes were wide as he looked around, unable to keep from grinning like an excited schoolboy.

“Holy  _ shit,  _ Spock, it  _ worked!” _

“Indeed, Captain. We appear to be on Earth, circa the beginning of the Great Depression. It was a time of great economic upheaval.”

“I’ve seen it in pictures, but seeing stuff like this in real life-!”

Two old ladies carrying paper shopping bags passed them by, giving them odd looks. Spock drew back, covering his ears as casually as he could, while Jim folded his arms across his chest.

“Think we might stick out a little, Spock.”

“I believe I will be difficult to explain in any case, Captain.”

“We’ll... we’ll find you a hat, or- or I’ll, uh, I’ll think of something.”

“That should prove interesting.”

After a few more people passed them by, they quickly made their way out of the alley, although Spock nearly got hit by a car. Soon after, they found some clothes hanging in another alley- Spock was a bit dubious about stealing, but Jim managed to convince him to go with it.

Unfortunately, once Jim managed to get the clothes, they had a new problem- an old timey policeman.

“Well?” The policeman asked.

“Y... You’re a police officer. I, uh, I recognize the traditional accoutrements.” He glanced at Spock, who quirked an eyebrow.

“You were saying you’ll have no trouble explaining it,” Spock said coolly. Jim gave him a look, then turned back to the policeman.

“Uh... well...” Jim wracked his brain for a believable excuse. “My... my friend is obviously... Chinese.”

Yeah, that sounded plausible and implicitly racist enough for this time period. Or at least, it was for the policeman, who seemed a bit less perturbed about Spock, although his gaze did go to Spock’s ears.

“I see you’ve noticed the ears! They- They’re actually easy to explain.” He looked at Spock imploringly.

“Perhaps the unfortunate accident I had as a child?” He suggested.

“Yes, the unfortunate accident he had as a child! He caught his head in a mechanical... rice picker.”

He could  _ feel  _ Spock’s look of incredulity.

“Y-Yeah, a rice picker. But, uh, fortunately there was a... an American missionary living close by who was actually a, uh... skilled plastic surgeon in civilian life-!”

“Alright, alright! Drop those bundles and put your hands on that wall there! Come on!”

Jim and Spock exchanged looks as they dropped the clothes, moving to put their hands on the wall.

“Oh, how careless of your wife to let you go out like that!” Jim started as the officer started searching them.

“Wh-?”

“Yes, it’s quite untidy. Here, let me help,” Spock stated just before reaching over and knocking the officer out with a nerve pinch.

They quickly gathered up whatever clothes they could carry, tearing down the alley and through the streets as police whistles got closer and closer. They managed to duck into a basement, blocking the door behind them before finally stopping to catch their breaths.

“R... Rice picker, Captain...?” Spock finally asked after a moment, eyebrow quirked as always.

“Sh... Shut up, it was the best I could do on short notice! Besides, you were totally cackling in your head while I floundered, weren’t you? You... you’re more human than you let on, y’know.”

Spock’s lips twitched.

“There’s no reason to insult me, sir.”

Jim rolled his eyes, then started separating out the clothes. It was... honestly super tempting to glance at Spock’s butt while they undressed, but he also knew that the United States circa 1930 was not the best time to be anything other than white, straight, cisgender and born there, so it was probably not the best time to display any attraction towards his very male XO.

Spock told him that they probably had about a week before Bones got here and did... whatever Bones did to fuck up the future like this, although he couldn’t be quite certain. Jim pointed out that Bones could arrive literally  _ anywhere  _ on Earth in the next week, but Spock told him of a theory that there might be something here and now that would attract Bones’ presence and give him a way to change the future- or rather, their present. He admitted that he couldn’t be sure what without a way to examine the images in the tricorder, bristling a little when Jim asked if he could just build a computer that could.

Admittedly, he probably should have guessed that even Spock couldn’t build a computer in the 1930’s, but Spock did seem a little intrigued when Jim suggested that it would be quite the exercise in logic, baiting him further when he suggested that he might be expecting too much of Spock.

Spock would almost certainly get it done within the week now, if only to subtly rub Jim’s face in it. He had to admit, it was kind of cute.

And that was when the door to the basement opened.

“Who’s there?”

Both Spock and Jim froze for a second; Spock moved first, running out of sight to cover his ears with a beanie Jim had grabbed. Jim walked over to the foot of the stairs.

“E-Excuse us, miss...” He trailed off, his eyes widening when he saw the woman at the top of the flight. There, standing right in front of him in a basement located in America circa 1930, was the spitting image of Alice’s mother.

There were a few differences, of course. Her skin was pale, but with more pink undertones than green and yellow. Her hair was still brown, but it was pinned up instead of flowing down her back. Jim couldn’t see her ears, but they weren’t sticking out and pointy like T’Vin’s. Her eyebrows followed the shape of her eyes rather than staying in diagonal lines, too.

But she still had T’Vin’s face. Same dark, dark eyes, high cheekbones, long, thin nose and pointed chin...

Still just as beautiful.

Spock cleared his throat, and Jim quickly snapped out of it, grinning sheepishly.

“S-Sorry, um... we, uh, we didn’t mean to trespass. It’s cold outside.”

“A lie is a very poor way to say hello. It isn’t that cold.”

Somehow, she  _ sounded  _ just like T’Vin, too.

“I... well, no. You’re right, it’s not that cold, we... we were being chased by a policeman.”

“Why?”

“For these clothes. We... we stole them. Didn’t have any money.”

T’Vin’s doppelganger hesitated, then cleared her throat, glancing around the basement.

“Well, I could do with some help around here- doing dishes, sweeping, general cleaning.”

“At what rate of payment?” Spock inquired. Jim turned to give him a look, and Spock quirked an eyebrow. “I need radio tubes and so forth. My hobby.”

“Fifteen cents an hour for ten hours a day. What are your names?”

“Mine’s Jim Kirk. And he’s... uh... Spock.”

The woman arched an eyebrow.

“Is... that his first, or last name?”

Spock opened his mouth to reply, probably with the same “my surname cannot be pronounced by Humans” bullshit he’d given Jim.

Which, y’know, not great for the whole “laying low” thing.

“I-It’s Grayson!” Jim said quickly. “His, uh... his first name. It’s Grayson. Grayson Spock.”

Spock looked practically bewildered for a Vulcan before clearing his throat.

“Yes, that is my name. However, I prefer to be addressed by my surname.”

The woman seemed surprised, but smiled after a moment.

“I’m Edith Keeler. You can start by cleaning up down here.”

She turned to go.

“Uh, wait, excuse me, miss? Would, uh... would you mind telling us where we are?”

“You’re in the 21st Street Mission.”

“Oh. Do, uh, do you run this place?”

“Indeed I do, Mr. Kirk.”

Edith smiled once more before heading back up the stairs. Jim kind of felt like Finnegan had just laid him out with one of his punches, but in a good way.

Spock was staring at him oddly when he turned around, and he couldn’t help but flush.

“... Radio tubes?”

“I will need them if I am to construct a device to view the images on the tricorder, sir.” Spock quirked an eyebrow. “Grayson Spock?”

“You looked like you were about to repeat that whole thing about Humans being unable to say your real last name, and no sane, loving parent on Earth around... uh... 1902 would name their child ‘Spock.’ Just... trust me on that, okay?”

Spock looked as though he wanted to say something else, but seemed to decide against it, instead grabbing a broom. Jim did as well, unable to keep the smile off his face.

Edith Keeler. 

What a lovely name for a lovely woman like her.

 

* * *

 

**October 21st, 1930**

_ “Goodnight, sweetheart, though I’m not beside you...” _

“Goodnight, sweetheart,” Jim sang under his breath as he walked alongside Edith, “still my love will guide you...”

“You have a lovely voice,” Edith commented, a small smile on her face. Jim laughed a little, shaking his head.

“Yeah, that’s what my mom tells me. Made it easier to get Alice to go to sleep when she was little.”

“Alice?”

“My daughter,” Jim elaborated. “She’s five, I... I had to leave her back home for now.”

“I see. Her and her mother?”

Jim couldn’t help but smirk at Edith.

“What’s with the curiosity all of a sudden?”

Edith, to his delight, flushed a little at that.

“Well, you don’t wear a wedding ring, so... now, perhaps you had to pawn it, but-!”

“Nah, I’m not married. Actually, um, Alice... well, her mother’s not around anymore.”

Edith’s gaze softened.

“I see... that must be hard, having to leave your child behind.”

“Yeah, but I’m sure I’ll see her again soon enough.”

Edith smiled, then cleared her throat.

“Why does Mr. Spock call you captain? Were you in the war together?”

Jim snorted.

“Well, we served together.”

“And you don’t want to talk about it? Why?” Edith’s expression became concerned as she put a hand on his arm. “Did you- did you do something wrong? Are you afraid of something?”

Well, Jim was afraid of a lot of things. Something happening to Alice, food shortages, losing his crew, one of his hundred and one allergies finally killing him, Uhura like half the time, Chapel the other half the time, finding out just where Bones kept his seemingly endless supply of hypos on his person, and of course, Spock ever finding out just how Jim really felt about him.

But in this moment, he found those things weren’t so scary anymore. Not with Edith looking at him like that.

“Whatever it is, let me help,” she finished quietly, sincerely. 

His heart leapt at the sound, and he chuckled.

“‘Let me help.’ Y’know, I’ll bet you anything that a hundred or so years from now, a famous novelist will write a classic using that theme. He’ll recommend those three words even over ‘I love you.’”

Edith laughed.

“Centuries from now? Who is he? Where does he come- oh, where  _ will  _ he come from?”

Jim grinned, shaking his head.

“Well, I can’t say for sure, but you know, I think...” He pointed up at the sky. “I think it’ll be a planet circling that far left star in Orion’s Belt.”

She laughed again, then looked up at him, her eyes twinkling in the starlight. 

If he hadn’t been sure she would have slapped him, Jim would have kissed her then and there.

But god, did he want to.

 

* * *

 

**2258.360**

Even without touching him, Spock knew exactly how the captain was feeling. The pain was obvious in his eyes, in the way he stood. 

It was as if all the light in him had been snuffed out the instant that car struck Edith Keeler. He had seen Jim this way before, shortly after Kodos’ death when he confessed his experiences on Tarsus IV to Spock, but... this was different. That pain had been long buried, unearthed by the death of a friend and the subsequent events, but this?

This was a new, fresh blow, one that even James T. Kirk could not hide.

“What happened, sir?” Scott asked once they were out of the portal. “You only left a moment ago.”

Jim didn’t speak, his eyes still rimmed with red.

“... We were successful,” Spock said after a moment, exchanging a look with McCoy.

“Time has resumed its shape,” the Guardian announced. “All is as it was before. Many such journeys are possible. Let me be your gateway.”

“Captain?” Uhura started gently. “Captain, the Enterprise is up there. They’re asking if we want to beam up.”

Jim didn’t speak for a moment, first glancing at the Guardian, then at the other officers. He caught and held Spock’s gaze for two point seven seconds longer than with anyone else before staring out in front of him.

“... Let’s get the hell out of here,” he finally stated, his voice rough and low. 

_ “You? At his side, as if you’ve always been there and always will.” _

Spock had not quite understood what Edith had meant when she told him where she believed he belonged, but now... now he believed he did.

As they arrived in the transporter room, Spock felt the urge to... to reach out and touch the captain, to offer some small comfort to him in this moment. He was not entirely certain as to why, just that... well, he felt that he should.

It was illogical. Completely, totally illogical.

And if the captain had not fled the transporter room the moment they rematerialized, Spock was certain that he would have done so.

“Just what happened while you three were in the past?” Uhura asked, raising an eyebrow. 

McCoy sighed, shaking his head.

“Dumb kid went and fell in love, that’s what. Ain’t nothing I can do to cure a broken heart. Nothing but time can do that.”

Spock found he disliked that idea, but could offer no alternative. Thus, he simply bid the rest of the crew goodnight, silently returning to his quarters.

It was... strange to be alone after spending a week in a small room with Jim. He had assumed that Jim would be a much more difficult roommate, considering the state of his quarters, but to his surprise it had been quite a pleasant experience. And if Alice had been with them, perhaps...

Spock blinked, then grimaced, shaking his head. It had been a week since he had last been able to meditate- these odd thoughts were simply the result of his weakened emotional control, and thus he would stop having such... domestic fantasies once he had meditated for long enough.

He was able to meditate for three point two five hours before he found he could no longer support a meditative state. When he emerged from it, Alice was in front of him, looking quite concerned.

He blinked.

“Alice,” he started slowly. “How did you get in my quarters?”

“I used Uncle Bones’ medical override.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Dr. McCoy allowed you to use his medical override to enter my quarters?”

Alice flinched almost imperceptibly, shifting her gaze to the side.

“Um... y-yeah, he did.”

Spock’s eyebrow arched higher.

“Alice...”

“Okay, so I guessed his code, I’m sorry, please don’t tell him!”

“I may have to if you were able to guess it. What was it?”

“Ten fifteen one fourteen fourteen one,” Alice replied. “If you take the numbers and connect them to the letters of the alphabet, it’s J-O-A-N-N-A, Joanna.”

Ah. Perhaps it  _ was _ the good doctor’s fault for making his override code something so easily guessed. 

“I see. Then I shall ask my next question-  _ why  _ are you in my quarters?”

Alice bit her lip, shifting from foot to foot.

“... Mr. Spock, you guys were only down there for a few minutes, right?” She looked up, her blue eyes full of concern. “But then... what could have happened to make Daddy cry like that?”

Spock experienced a sinking sensation in his stomach.

“Alice... while we were on the planet, Dr. McCoy accidentally stumbled into the past. He... He changed the timeline so that Starfleet- the entire universe as we knew it- was gone. In order to set the timeline right, your father and I had to follow him.”

“Whoa, so you guys time-traveled? Cool!”

Spock’s lips twitched.

“If you’ll recall, Alice, you yourself time traveled at the end of the Psi 2000 incident, along with the entire ship.”

“Yeah, but that was only three days! How far back in time did you go?”

“Three hundred and twenty-nine years, to New York City in the year 1930.”

“Wow, that’s a  _ really  _ long time! Nana wasn’t even born yet!”

Spock’s lips twitched again.

“No, and she would not be born for another two point five centuries.”

“Yeah...” Alice appeared thoughtful. “Old Spock wasn’t born yet either, huh?”

“If you are referring to my counterpart, then no, but he was born in the same year as I was. His age is a result of him being from a parallel future.”

“Oh yeah.” Alice blinked, then furrowed her brow. “But... I don’t get it. What about being in 1930 made Daddy sad?”

Spock resisted the urge to flinch.

“It was... it was not the time period itself that upset your father. We arrived a week prior to Dr. McCoy, in order to have the best chance of stopping him from changing the timeline as he did. In that time... in that time, your father became attached to a woman.”

Alice blinked again.

“A woman?”

“Yes. Her name was Edith Keeler. Your father...”

_ “Spock... I think... I think I’m in love with Edith Keeler.” _

“He fell in love, didn’t he?” Alice asked quietly, her gaze trained on the floor. 

“Yes.” Something in Spock...  _ hurt  _ to admit that. “Unfortunately, Miss Keeler... Alice, you must understand. Time is a fluid thing, and what keeps it from flowing out of control are fixed points that must occur in order for our timeline to exist as it is now. And... one of those points, as we discovered, is the death of Edith Keeler, on the night of October 25th, 1930.”

Alice’s eyes went wide.

“She... she died?”

“She lived over three hundred years ago, Alice. Even with advancements in medical technology, Humans are only able to live for approximately one hundred and twenty-!”

“Okay, well, was she one hundred and twenty?”

Spock flinched, though it was subtle enough that he was sure no one would not have caught it if they did not look for it specifically.

“... Miss Keeler was approximately twenty-seven years of age at the time of her death. She was... she was hit by a motor vehicle and died instantly.” He swallowed. “What Dr. McCoy did to change the timeline was save her life. Had she lived, she would have started a movement that would have delayed the United States’ entry into the second World War, which in turn would have allowed Nazi Germany to develop the Atom... bomb... you have not learned about the second World War yet, have you?”

“Nyota’s still teaching me about the Civil War.”

“I see. I shall summarize, then- if Edith Keeler had lived, millions of people who did not die before would have died in the new timeline, and it is likely that Earth may not have been prepared for first contact when my ancestors arrived in 2063. Starfleet, then, would never have existed as it does now, and it is unlikely any of us would either.”

Alice looked stunned.

“All that... because one lady died?”

“The concept is known as ‘the butterfly effect.’ In essence, the theory is that a single flap of a butterfly’s wings is enough to begin a hurricane. Though Edith Keeler was but one person, her life, had it gone on, would have been enough to change the course of history.” Spock swallowed. “And that... that is why it could not go on, even if that was painful for your father.”

“O... Oh...” Alice fidgeted a bit, then looked him in the eye once more. “Mr. Spock... what did Miss Edith look like?”

Spock blinked, then sighed, pulling out his tricorder and tuning it to Keeler’s obituary.

“This was her.”

Alice’s eyes widened, her mouth falling open in realization.

“No wonder...”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“What is it?”

“Mr. Spock... this lady, she looks just like... she looks like my mother.”

Spock blinked, the sinking sensation returning to his stomach.

“A... Alice-!”

“I... I need to go check on Daddy. Sorry to bug you, Mr. Spock.”

She left before Spock could say anything else.

 

* * *

 

Jim woke up when Alice crawled into bed. His eyes still stung, his throat tight and rough.

“Buh... Buttercup?”

Alice didn’t say anything, instead snuggling into his chest. He could feel her concern through their bond, as well as sadness and sympathy, and many more emotions that seemed too complex for such a little kid.

“Hey, what’s the matter?” Jim asked, putting a hand on her face and tilting it up. Her eyes were full of tears, and he felt his heart break at the sight. “Hey, hey, why are  _ you  _ crying?”

“I... I want you to show me what happened, Daddy. What happened when you and Mr. Spock and Uncle Bones went back in time.”

Jim blinked, then swallowed hard, shaking his head.

“Sweetie, no, it’s not-!”

“Daddy. I know how to do it. Old Spock told me how it works. Let me see.”

Jim swallowed once more, then finally crumbled under the determination in those baby blues, nodding and sitting up. Alice sat up as well, then got on her knees and reached for his temples.

_ “Nahp, hif-bi tu throks,”  _ Alice murmured. “Our minds, one and together.”

The feeling of plunging into a mind-meld was somewhat familiar, after his experiences with the old Spock. He could see what Alice had been doing while he’d been gone- quietly reading a picture book in their room- and she... she could see the week he’d had. Arriving in 1930, trying to explain Spock (he could feel her giggles at the whole “rice picker” thing), meeting Edith, working, falling for Edith, learning the truth, the turmoil, those last few minutes when he could have stopped her,  _ he could have saved her-! _

**_Stop._ **

They broke apart abruptly. Jim’s vision was once again blurry with tears, but even then he could see how Alice was shaking, could hear her start to sob.

“Oh, honey, honey, hey,” he managed, pulling her back into a hug. “I-I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, sweetheart...”

“Th-The... the emotional transference is...”

“I know, baby, I know...” Jim hushed her softly, rocking her back and forth. He held her for what felt like hours, letting her get out all those emotions that weren’t really hers.

_ “Tushah nash-veh k’odu...”  _ she murmured after a little while, wiping at her eyes. “I... I’m sorry about Miss Edith, Daddy...”

“S’okay, baby, it... it wasn’t your fault...”

“Wasn’t your fault either. You couldn’t save her, Daddy, not if... Old Spock told me something.  _ Kaiidth.” _

Jim blinked.

“What does that mean?”

“What is, is. There are things that we just can’t change, no matter what we do. All we can do it accept them for what they are.”

Despite himself, Jim couldn’t help but smile.

“That’s pretty smart. When did you get so smart, huh?”

“I’ve always been smart, Daddy.” Alice grinned through her tears. “I’m your little smartypants, remember?”

Jim laughed, pulling his daughter close and kissing her forehead.

“Yeah, you are.”

It still hurt. Of course it did. It was going to hurt for a long, long time to come.

But with Alice smiling at him like that... Jim might be okay after all.

 

* * *

 

**2259.02**

The ship was a mess, swarming with the few uninfected people trying to get information on their infected loved ones.

Jim got it. He really,  _ really  _ did, he’d seen how young some of the infected people were.

But apparently, the uninfected ones had forgotten the concept of personal space.

“Ma’am, please, I assure you that our medical team is doing everything they can to-! Sir, I’m sorry, but you’re just gonna have to-! Hey, don’t-! Don’t push, I-! Oof!”

Jim grunted as he was tossed into some large guy, yelping when said large guy ushered him behind him.

“Guys! Guys, calm down, alright? Now, you heard him, their medical team is doing everything they can right now, but they don’t have answers. We’re just gonna have to wait.”

Surprisingly, the crowd actually did calm down a little, and between that, the man’s broad shoulders, and his authoritative yet heroic voice, Jim was kind of wondering if the man was Captain America or something. In any case, they dispersed, and the man sighed as he turned around.

“Sorry about that-!” The man blinked, his eyes going wide. “W... Wait,  _ Jimmy?  _ Jimmy, is that you?”

Jim blinked, tilting his head slightly.

“Uh... do I know... you...?” His own eyes widened in realization. “Wait... wait,  _ Sam?” _

“George?” In the commotion, Jim hadn’t noticed the shorter, curly-haired woman with slightly darker skin standing next to his brother. “George, who’s this?”

“Uh, well... Aurelan, this is-!”

“Captain Kirk, there you are,” Spock started as he approached Jim. “The landing party has yet to-!”

“Wait, wait, wait, hold on.  _ Captain  _ Kirk?  _ You?” _

“Wh- How didn’t you know about that? I know Deneva’s not exactly close to Earth, but-!”

“Drs. Kirk,” Chapel started as she walked over to Sam. “Your son is-!”

“Hang on,  _ Dr.  _ Kirk?  _ You?” _

“Okay!” The woman- Aurelan, that’s what Sam called her- finally shouted, throwing up her hands. “Okay, that’s it, that’s enough of this- this Rocky Horror shit, one at a time!”

She turned to Sam, fixing him with a glare.

“You. Start talking. Who is this, and why is he calling you Sam?”

Sam looked like he would rather be anywhere else, swallowing nervously.

“Uh... Aurelan, honey, this is... this is my little brother, Jimmy. Apparently, he’s the, uh, the captain of this ship. And he’s also the only person who calls me Sam.”

“George, we’ve been married for seven years, and you didn’t think to mention that you’ve got a brother?”

“Wait, she’s your  _ wife?  _ And you never mentioned me to her?”

“We haven’t spoken in fifteen years!” Sam pointed out.

“And who’s fault is that? I was ten, I didn’t have a comm unit! I didn’t even know where you were!”

Sam scowled, crossing his arms.

“Well, it’s not like you ever went looking for me, did you,  _ Captain?” _

“Can you blame me? You’ve been radio silent since I was a  _ kid,  _ that’s a pretty clear sign that you’re not interested in reconnecting-!”

“Daddy?”

Both Jim and Sam froze, Sam’s eyes going wide. Jim turned around, forcing a smile as he looked at his daughter.

“H... Hey, buttercup. Isn’t it way past your bedtime?”

Alice yawned, rubbing at her eyes as she walked over to him.

“It’s too noisy. Can’t sleep,” she explained before raising her arms. Jim picked her up, cradling her as she wrapped around him. 

“Aw, I’m sorry, Alice. We’re doing the best we can, but it’s still pretty chaotic.”

Alice hummed, then shifted a bit as she looked at Sam and Aurelan.

“Who’re you, mister and lady?”

Sam looked completely flabbergasted, looking between Alice and Jim wordlessly. Aurelan cleared her throat.

“I’m Aurelan, sweetheart. This is my husband, George.”

“Oh. Nice to meet you, Ms. Aurelan. You too, Mr. George.”

Aurelan smiled, shaking her head.

“I, uh... I think that  _ Aunt  _ Aurelan and  _ Uncle  _ George might be a little more accurate, sweetie.”

Alice blinked, then looked between Jim and the couple before tilting her head.

“I don’t get it.”

“Alice,” Jim started gently. “Buttercup, this is... this is my brother and his wife.”

“I thought your brother was named Sam, Daddy.”

“Well,  _ I  _ call him Sam. Apparently everyone else calls him George now.”

“Oh.” Alice looked at Sam owlishly. “So do I call you Uncle  _ Sam _ or Uncle  _ George?” _

Sam looked lost for a second, then cleared his throat after Aurelan elbowed him in the side.

“Uh. I, um... Sam. You can call me Sam.”

“Okay!” Alice smiled warmly. “It’s nice to meet you, Aunt Aurelan and Uncle Sam! Even though I don’t know why you’re here.”

Aurelan snickered, and Sam, who still looked confused, smiled despite it.

“Captain,” Spock interrupted, reminding Jim of his presence. “Captain, the landing party?”

“Oh, uh, yeah...” Jim cleared his throat. “Sorry, Sam, uh... I really have to get that. And you, little miss, you need to go back to bed.”

“But I’m not tired, Daddy! I wanna stay with Aunt Aurelan and Uncle Sam.” She looked up at him with big, pleading eyes. “Please, can I?”

“Alice-!”

“Pleeeeease?”

Dammit. Jim couldn’t say no to that face. He looked over at Aurelan and Sam, grinning sheepishly.

“Sorry, guys, uh... would you mind?”

“I-!”

“Of course not, Jimmy,” Aurelan answered smoothly, holding out her arms to take Alice. “I’d be delighted to spend time with my niece.”

“You only found out about her two minutes ago-!” Sam started, his mouth snapping shut when Aurelan shot him a look. 

Jim bit back a laugh, thanking them before they walked away. Aurelan and Alice were chattering away, and Sam shot him a look that said they’d be discussing this later.

Well. Jim had a few questions of his own, so he was fine with that.

“Captain.”

“Hm? Yes, Spock?”

“I did not know that your brother and his wife were on Deneva, sir.”

Jim snorted.

“Yeah, join the club. God. Dr. Kirk, can you believe that?”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“You do not believe your brother capable of achieving a doctorate?”

“I’ve seen his report cards, Spock. Sam’s smart, but he doesn’t exactly apply himself academically.” Jim glanced over his shoulder. “Or, well, he didn’t.”

“Fifteen years is a long amount of time, Captain. It may be that your brother is not the same person you remember.”

“... Guess that’s probably true. I’m... I’m probably not the same person I was back then, either...”

“Sir?”

Jim cleared his throat.

“It’s, uh, it’s nothing, Spock. You said something about a landing party?”

 

* * *

 

**2259.03**

When Spock awoke, he was still in horrible, agonizing pain, and was also restrained to the biobed. Dr. McCoy, the Drs. Kirk, and the captain were all looking at him, each with varying levels of concerned, although Jim also looked... quite relieved.

“... Dr. McCoy. Drs. Kirk. Captain.”

“Spock,” Jim replied, smiling a little, although his eyes belied how worried he’d been.

“I-!” Another wave of pain overwhelmed him, and Spock could not help but grunt and grimace. “These... these restraints will no longer be necessary. Nor will your sedatives, Doctor. I’ll... I’ll be able to return to duty. I... I apologize for my weakness earlier when I attempted to take control of the ship. I simply... I simply did not understand.”

“What is it there to understand, Spock?”

Spock grit his teeth, trying to fortify his controls.

“I... I am a Vulcan, Doctor. Pain is a thing... of the mind. Th... The mind can be c-controlled.”

“You’re only half Vulcan, Spock,” Jim said quietly. “What about your Human half?”

Spock flinched, tensing as to keep himself from spasming in pain.

“It... it is proving to be an inconvenience, but it is manageable. The... the creature, with all its thousands of parts... even now it is pressuring me. It... it wants this ship. But I am resisting.”

“Bones, can he really control it the way he says?”

McCoy’s lips were pressed into a thin line as he shrugged.

“Hell if I know. I can tell the amount of pain the creature can inflict on him, but whether he can control it hour to hour...”

Spock couldn’t stop the small, pained whimper that passed his lips. Jim’s eyes widened.

“Spock-!”

“I... I have my own will, Captain. Let me help.”

Jim blinked, his expression softening slightly. 

“I... I need you, Spock...” He shook his head. “But we can’t take any chances. We’ll... we’ll keep you confined for a little while longer, and... and if you can maintain control... we’ll see.”

Spock attempted to refute that, but found instead found himself crying out when another spark of agony lit up his nervous system.

“Jim,” he heard George whisper. “Jim, is... if he were conscious, would that be what Peter was going through?”

Spock glanced to the side, noticing for the first time the boy of six years of age in the bed next to him. Every once in a while, the child’s expression would contort in pain.

“I... I’m sorry, Sam, I don’t... Bones. We have to help them, doesn’t matter what it takes. Got it?”

“Jim, there are over a million colonists down there, we can’t just focus on those two!”

“If we focus on them, we might figure out how to save everyone else! Get on it!”

He heard Jim leave, followed by the Drs. Kirk. McCoy cursed, then stormed off into his office.

Spock took a deep breath.

He was in control. He could control this. Pain is a thing of the mind. The mind is to be controlled. 

He would not be controlled by it. 

“I am a Vulcan,” he muttered. “I am a Vulcan. There... there is no pain.”

Sure enough, the pain subsided somewhat, although it did not disappear- it was still deep within him, bubbling under the surface and trying to break through.

He would not let it. He was a Vulcan. 

He was in control. 

He broke free of the restraints, then got up and found his uniform.

He had work to do down on Deneva.

 

* * *

 

It was frankly embarrassing how long it had taken three Starfleet Officers and two research biologists to figure out “the sun is bright,” let alone the fact that it had been a five-year-old who suggested it in the first place, but somehow, it worked.

“The creature within me is gone,” Spock reported as he left the test chamber. “I am free of it, as well as the pain.”

Jim sighed in relief as Spock walked in front of him, only to jump when Spock walked straight into a desk.

“Spock?”

“I...” Spock stood up straight, not turning towards them. “It seems that I am also quite blind, sir.”

Jim’s heart sank as he rushed over to Spock, putting his hands on his shoulders before he could think better of it. Spock didn’t seem to mind, or was too in shock in to protest.

“Spock...”

“An... an equitable trade, Doctor. Thank you.”

Bones looked downright ashamed as Jim guided Spock to a chair, a look that only worsened when Chapel brought in the results from the tests on the creature’s body.

“I... it was the UV light,” Bones muttered. “Light we can’t see, I... I didn’t need to use the blinding white light at all!”

Jim’s grip on Spock’s arm tightened.

“So... Spock’s blind for no real reason, then?”

Bones swallowed, then shook his head.

“I’m... Spock, I’m sor-!”

“Doctor, it was my selection as well. It is done.”

Bones didn’t look at all convinced, but Jim knew they didn’t have time to get into this. 

“Alright, we know what kills them. Get our patients under UV lights, and we’ll figure out how to get the planet covered in UV. And, Bones?” 

Bones looked up at him, and Jim smiled sadly.

“Take care of him, okay?”

Bones nodded, and Jim glanced at Spock one last time before leaving the medbay.

 

* * *

 

**2259.04**

Jim sighed, looking out over the sunrise from Sam’s house. 

It had worked. The UV light had killed every last one of those bastards, and Sam’s kid and all the others were going to be just fine now. 

Even Spock was going to be fine. As it turned out, Vulcans had an inner eyelid to protect them from harsh light, and once it opened, Spock was just fine, and also highly amused to learn that Bones had called him the “best First Officer in the Fleet.”

His comm beeped, and he frowned, his eyes going wide when he saw the date and the notification.

“Holy shit. I think... I think it’s my birthday.”

Sam snorted next to him, taking a sip of his beer.

“You seriously forgot?”

“Hey, I’ve been busy! Sides, it’s not like I ever really do anything for my birthday anymore.”

“Anymore?”

“Used to go get drunk out of my mind. Then Alice was born, and, well, couldn’t really do that with a toddler on board.” He snorted. “Y’know, the year she was three, she went around telling everyone it was my birthday and therefore they had to give me hugs.”

Sam laughed, shaking his head.

“That’s one cute kid ya got, Jimmy. Didn’t think you had it in you.”

“Hey, I’m cute! Why wouldn’t my kid be cute?”

His brother gave him a look.

“I meant the whole dad thing, smartass.” Another sip. “S’not like either of us really had that great a role model for it, after all...”

Jim’s grin fell, and he sighed, taking a sip from his own beer. They were quiet for a moment, the tension hanging in the air for what felt like hours before Jim finally couldn’t take it anymore.

“I drove his car off a cliff,” Jim started. He heard Sam choke a little. “It was the day you left. I crashed it when a cop was after me.”

“Why the fuck did you do that?”

Jim shrugged.

“I was ten. Pissed off.” He hesitated. “... thought I’d be able to find you and get you to come home. Or take me with you.”

“Jimmy...”

“Obviously, I didn’t have a lot of success there. Cop dragged me home, and Frank beat the shit out of me. Put me in the hospital.” Jim took a long swig of his beer. “That’s... that’s how Mom finally found out what kind of guy he really was. She broke his nose, then got him arrested. I think he’s dead now.”

Neither of them spoke for a minute. 

“... I’m sorry, Jim,” Sam finally said. “I... you were just a kid too, I shouldn’t have... shouldn’t have left you with him.”

“You were a kid, too, dumbass. I don’t blame you for running away, never did. I was mad because you didn’t take me with you, and I’m not mad about that anymore.” There was barely any beer left in the bottle now. Jim didn’t even feel buzzed. “I’d blame my tolerance levels, but since I haven’t gotten drunk since before Alice, I’m pretty sure your beer’s shit.”

Sam laughed, holding his own nearly empty bottle out.

“Yeah, it sucks. Don’t know why we keep buying it- I’m no lightweight, and Aurelan can drink me under the table.”

They fell into silence again, but Jim couldn’t resist the urge to keep talking.

“I was on Tarsus,” he admitted. “I went to stay with Aunt Bev for a summer, and...”

Sam didn’t respond for a minute. Jim couldn’t make himself look at him, afraid of the look on his face.

“... I heard about what happened to Bev, but I didn’t...”

“Course you didn’t. I was fifteen, a minor. They couldn’t publish my name on the survivor list. I think I was like, Survivor 238 or something.”

“... Shoulda gone with you.”

“Trust me, that wouldn’t have helped. Then you’d be just as fucked up as I am, or worse.”

“I dunno, you don’t seem all that bad, Mr. Captain of the USS Enterprise.”

Jim snorted, looking over at his brother.

“Not too bad yourself, Dr. George Samuel Kirk.”

Sam laughed, then turned, looking into the living room. Peter and Alice had passed out on the couch a few hours ago, leaning on each other as they snored softly.

“... So. How’d you end up with a half-Vulcan kid, anyway?”

“Ah, well, that’s a long story, one that, oddly enough, involves my First Officer’s idiot brother.”

Sam arched an eyebrow.

“Alice’s mom was part of some weird emotion cult he revived,” Jim explained. “She... well, a few weeks after Alice was born, she showed up at Mom’s house and dumped her on me to go back to Vulcan. Her father died, and she... she was going to undergo some sort of ritual that meant purging all emotions and personal bonds.”

“Meaning she couldn’t be Alice’s mom, huh?”

“Nope. She left Alice with me on Earth, went back to Vulcan, and... you, uh... you know what happened to Vulcan, right?”

Sam’s expression softened.

“Yeah, I do. So she was there when it happened?”

“Yeah. Alice... their bond was weak, but it hadn’t been dissolved just yet, so Alice felt it when she...”

Jim trailed off, unable to finish.

“... She loves you a lot, you know. Whole time she was with me and Aurelan, she kept going on about how brave and smart and funny her daddy was.”

Jim snorted.

“She’s way smarter than me and she knows it. I think she might take over the universe someday.”

“I’d buy it. Kirk women are scary.”

Jim laughed, then paused when his comm went off. He opened it, smiling when he saw the video call request from his mom.

_ Their  _ mom.

“She’s calling you?”

“She calls me every year. I, uh, I should probably go take this...”

“... You know what? Go ahead and answer it now.”

Jim blinked, looking at his brother in surprise.

“You sure? She might see you.”

Sam grinned.

“Yeah, well, after all of this, I think... I think I’ve avoided my family long enough, ya know?”

Jim stared at him for a moment, then shrugged.

“If you say so,” Jim said before pressing accept. He smiled when their mother’s face appeared on the screen. “Hey, Mom!”

_ “Hey, shortstack. Happy birthday!” _

He heard Sam snicker, and Jim rolled his eyes.

“Mom, I’m five inches taller than you.”

She laughed.

_ “You’ll always be a shortstack to me, kiddo.”  _ Their mom blinked, then squinted.  _ “Jimmy, where the hell are you? This doesn’t look like your quarters.” _

Jim glanced at his brother, who grinned and nodded.

“Well, Mom, as it turns out,  _ I’ve _ got a surprise for  _ you  _ this time.” He turned the comm screen so that it was facing Sam. “Guess who I found!”

Sam smiled nervously, waving a little.

“Uh... hey, Mom.”

_ “... Georgie? Georgie, baby, is that you?” _

Sam’s eyes shined with relief as he let out a little laugh.

“Y-Yeah, Mom, it’s... it’s me.”

_ “Sweetheart, where are you? Where have you been all this time?” _

“I’m on the Deneva colony. I... well, it’s kind of a long story.”

“Good thing this thing’s got a long battery life, then,” Jim said as he handed his brother the comm. “I think you guys have some things to talk about.”

He left them talking on the balcony, walking into the house and over to Alice.

“Buttercup...” he started quietly, stroking her back gently. “Hey, honey, you can’t sleep here...”

Alice whined, snuggling into her cousin’s shoulder. Peter sighed, draping an arm around her in his sleep.

“Or... maybe you can. Guess me and Sam both ended up with stubborn kids.”

Jim glanced over at the balcony. Sam was laughing in the light of early morning, although Jim saw him wipe at his face more than once.

He smiled. 

Maybe their family wasn’t perfect. Maybe it could never  _ be  _ perfect.

Even still, Jim thought it was pretty damn great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Couple things- I decided to make Spock gay here in order to better align him with his TOS self- seriously, every time Spock falls for a woman he's either under some kind of mind control or something. Also, Sam and Aurelan live in this version because quite frankly, the end of TOS season 1 was a trauma conga line for Jim.
> 
> Guest Stars:  
> T'Vin/Edith Keeler- Anna Kendrick (who looks remarkably like Joan Collins, it's kinda spooky)  
> Finnegan- Chris Pratt (off screen, but still)  
> George Samuel "Sam" Kirk- Chris Evans (I will have all the Chrises in one universe even if I have to do it myself, dammit)  
> Aurelan Kirk- Barrett Ross
> 
> Vulcan to English:  
> T'nar pak sorat y'rani- formal greeting  
> Tonk'peh- informal greeting  
> Nahp, hif-bi tu throks- your thoughts, give them to me (beginning of mind meld)
> 
> That's it for season 1! The Into Darkness chapter and season 2 chapters will be uploaded next weekend. Thank you all for your support so far!  
> (Also, because the whitewashing still bugs me, Khan here shall be played by Joaquin Phoenix, or if you want someone younger, Oscar Isaac, although you're free to imagine the actual actor if you want)


	4. Chapter 4

**2259.52**

This was, admittedly, one of Jim’s stupider ideas.

“What the hell did you take?!” Bones demanded as they ran through the jungle, pursued by outraged natives.

“I have no idea, but they were bowing to it!” He pulled his comm out of his bag. “Kirk to Shuttle One, locals are out of the kill zone, you are clear! Repeat, Spock, get in there, neutralize the volcano, and let’s get out of here!”

_ “Captain, did the indigenous life forms see you?” _

“No, Mr. Spock, they did not.”

_ “The Prime Directive clearly states there can be no interference-!” _

“With the internal developments of alien civilizations, I  _ know,  _ Spock! Don’t visit pre-warp societies is pretty much lesson number one at the academy, which is why I’m running through the jungle wearing a disguise! Now get in your Iron Man suit, drop off the super ice cube, and let’s  _ go!  _ Kirk out!”

A few minutes later, the natives upgraded to throwing spears at them.

“They’re trying to kill us!”

“I can see that, Bones!”

_ “Captain, I’m ditching the shuttle!”  _ Sulu shouted over the comm.  _ “You’re gonna have to make it to the Enterprise on your own!” _

“Oh, wonderful!” Jim replied as he took a sharp turn.

“Jim! The beach is that way, you idiot!”

“I know!” He replied as he draped the scroll over a branch. “We’re not going to the beach!”

Bones seemed lost for a moment, then quickly realized what Jim meant.

“Jim, if we don’t make it out of this alive, I want you to know- I  _ hate  _ you!”

“Yeah, love you too, pal!”

One cliff-dive and a swim in a stupidly cold ocean later, Jim and Bones were back on the Enterprise, coughing and gasping for breath.

“Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to hide a starship on the bottom of the ocean? We’ve been down here since last night! The salt water’s gonna ruin the-!”

“You can yell at me about it later, Scotty! Now, where’s Spock?”

Scotty looked a bit worried.

“Still in the volcano, sir.”

Jim cursed under his breath, running straight for the bridge.

“Spock?” Jim started the second he got confirmation that they still had contact with him. “Spock, how’s it looking?”

_ “I have activated the device, Captain. When the countdown is complete, the reaction should render the volcano inert.” _

“Yeah, and that’s gonna render  _ him  _ inert!” Bones muttered. “Damn hobgoblin’s-!”

“Bones, remember that sensitivity training we made you do. Do we have use of the transporters?”

Chekov and Scotty both confirmed that they were useless here, and Jim cursed out loud this time. Chekov suggested that they could do it if Spock was in the direct line of sight, but Scotty argued that this meant flying over an active volcano. Spock added that there was no way they wouldn’t be seen by the natives, and Jim kind of wanted to throttle him.

“Would you shut up, Spock?!” Bones snapped. “We’re trying to save you, dammit!”

_ “Doctor, the needs of the many-!” _

“Spock, stop!” Uhura hissed, just a little too late.

The entire bridge froze, and Jim knew they were all looking at him. After Kodos, he’d told everyone about what had happened to him on Tarsus, what that man had said.

They knew it was exactly what Spock was trying to say now.

_ “Captain,”  _ Spock started after a moment, his voice soft.  _ “Captain, I apologize, I did not mean to-!” _

“This is  _ your  _ life we’re talking about, Spock, and I refuse to let you die for...” Jim swallowed, shaking his head. “We’re going to figure something out, whether you like it or not, got it?”

_ “I-!” _

The signal cut out.

Jim grit his teeth.

“Well? Don’t just sit there, figure it out! Now!”

Two minutes later, Spock was back on the Enterprise, the Prime Directive was thoroughly violated, and Jim was pretty sure he was in big trouble.

He only cared about one of those things.

“You alright, Spock?”

“Captain, you let them see our ship.”

Bones scoffed.

“He’s fine.”

_ “Captain, the device has successfully detonated. Also, tell Spock he’s an idiot.” _

Jim grinned.

“Hear that, Spock? You saved the world! And also, Uhura thinks you’re an idiot, but hey, she thinks I’m an idiot half the time, so it’s really not that-!”

“You violated the Prime Directive.”

“For  _ fuck’s  _ sake Spock, would you get off that? So they saw us, so what!”

“As you stated, sir, the Prime Directive is one of the first things taught to cadets. By breaking it, you have-!”

“I saved your life, you goddamn-!”

The door to the transporter bay opened.

“Daddy!”

Jim couldn’t help but grin when he heard that voice.

“Buttercup!” He replied, kneeling down and catching Alice in his arms. “Oh, I missed you!”

“You did it! You saved them, Daddy!”

Jim laughed, spinning her around and kissing her forehead.

“Aw, well, I can’t take too much credit here. Spock’s the one that stopped the volcano, so I think he’s the one who deserves the cheering, right?”

Alice didn’t reply right away. Jim looked at her, startled when he realized how blank her expression was as she stared at Spock.

“... Mr. Spock performed admirably, if not very sensibly,” she finally answered, wiggling until Jim let her go. “I’m gonna go replicate a burger for you, Daddy.”

“Wh-! Hey, now wait just a minute, munchkin!” Bones started. “You know your daddy’s on a strict diet. He’s already had a burger this week.”

Alice grinned slyly.

“But it’s a special occasion, right?”

“Not  _ that  _ special!”

Alice giggled, then started backing up toward the door.

“Well, then you’re just gonna have to catch me then, aren’t you, Uncle Bones?” 

She shot Spock one last glare, then grinned as she ran out of the transporter room.

“Wh-! Hey!” 

Jim snorted as Bones ran after his daughter, then cleared his throat, arching an eyebrow as he looked at Spock.

“I think you might be in trouble with Alice, Mr. Spock.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“For what reason?”

Jim groaned. 

“Seriously? Look, I’m not gonna tell you, you’re just gonna have to figure it out yourself.”

“Captain-!”

“Nope, sorry. Figure it out yourself. That’s an order. Now, come on, I think we can replicate a whole cake while Alice has Bones distracted.”

 

* * *

 

**2259.55**

“Y’know, I don’t think Alice is gonna be thrilled with you if you come home drunk, kiddo.”

Jim rolled his eyes as Pike sat down next to him.

“It’s ginger ale. I’m not looking to get tanked, just... needed some time to think about how I’m supposed to explain all this to her. How’d you find me, anyway?”

“I know you better than you think I do. Y’know, the first time I found you was in a dive like this.”

“What can I say?” Jim said, taking a swig of the ginger ale. “I’m a creature of habit. Course, not planning on fighting anyone tonight. Alice might yell at me for a while, but I think she’s still more mad at Spock than she is at me.”

Pike chuckled, then sighed.

“... They gave her back to me.”

“What, my daughter? Look, I know Starfleet technically owns my ass, but I don’t think they’ve got the power to do that. Also, Alice might beat you up, just FYI.”

Pike laughed, shaking his head.

“The Enterprise, dumbass.”

Jim smirked, then sighed.

“Congrats, sir. Better watch your back with that First Officer, though.”

“Spock’s not going to be working with me.”

Jim blinked, quirking an eyebrow.

“No?”

“Nope. He’s been transferred. USS Bradbury.  _ You’re  _ gonna be my First Officer.”

Jim’s eyes went wide.

“... Come again?”

“Yeah, Marcus took some convincing, but every now and then, I can make a good case.”

“... What did you tell him?”

“The truth. That I believe in you. That if anybody deserves a second chance, it’s Jim Kirk.”

Jim swallowed, his eyes more than a little misty. It was partially out of happiness, but... even though he was still mad at him, his heart ached at the idea that he and Spock wouldn’t be working together anymore, wouldn’t be on the same ship or sharing a bathroom or playing chess or anything anymore.

That they were going to have to say goodbye. Possibly forever.

“I... I don’t know what to say.”

Pike grinned.

“Well, that’s a first, isn’t it?” He smiled more gently. “It’s gonna be okay, son.”

Jim finally smiled back, then wiped his eyes just as his comm went off.

 

* * *

 

“Captain.”

He heard Jim groan, but he did not turn to look at him as he kept walking briskly.

“Not anymore, Spock. First Officer.” He held the elevator door to allow Spock to join him, then pressed the button for the correct floor. “I was demoted, and you were reassigned.”

“It is fortunate that the consequences were not more severe.”

Jim sighed.

“Oh, you gotta be kidding me,” he heard Jim mutter under his breath.

“Captain, it was never my intention-!”

_ “Not  _ captain.” Jim turned to him, his eyes as cold as Alice’s were the last time she had spoken to him directly after the Nibiru incident. “I saved your life, Spock. You wrote a report. I lost my ship. I still haven’t figured out how to explain it all to my five-year-old, who is probably going to be even  _ angrier  _ with you now, by the way.”

“I still do not understand why she is upset with me.”

Jim rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, of course you don’t,” Jim muttered as the elevator doors opened and he exited. 

“Commander, I see now that I should have alerted you to the fact that I submitted the report.”

“No, I’m familiar with your compulsion to follow the rules.” Jim stopped in front of the conference room. “But you see, I can’t do that. Where I come from, if someone saves your life, you don’t stab him in the back.”

“Vulcans cannot lie.”

“I  _ know,  _ Spock, I live with a Vulcan and she can’t lie for shit. I’m talking to the half-Human part of you. I know it’s there, I’ve seen it.” Jim looked somewhat... saddened. “And... and that part of you should have known that saying crap like the needs of the many or whatever... Spock, you know who else said that to me. What that did to me.”

Vulcans did not feel guilt or regret.

However, Spock would have now if he was able to.

“Jim, I have apologized for that, and I apologize again. However, it does not change the fact that you violated the Prime Directive-!”

“To save  _ you.  _ Come on, Spock, you have to understand this by now. Don’t you understand why I went back for you?”

Truthfully, Spock was... unsure as to why Jim chose to save him. At least, he was unsure of the exact reason, but the look in his eyes when he ran into the transporter room was...

If he had not been a Vulcan, it would have made him quite happy, and he wasn’t sure as to why.

He was unsure of how to express this, but before Spock could even try, a man who introduced himself as Captain Frank Abbot of the USS Bradbury came up to him and told them they would be sitting together. 

Captain Abbot did not seem particularly enthusiastic about this development.

Nor did Jim. In fact, Jim looked... downtrodden, similar to how he’d appeared after the death of Edith Keeler but more controlled. 

“The truth is, Spock...” Jim smiled, just a little. “I’m gonna miss you.”

There was a strange, fluttery sensation in Spock’s stomach when he heard that. He opened his mouth, then closed it as he willed himself not to flush.

Jim appeared to be waiting for a response, still smiling.

Spock could not find the right words to express... 

Express what? What could he say to this man, who had become so important to him over the past year and he would now only see on occasion? How could he tell him that despite how illogical he was, how illogical he made  _ Spock,  _ he still wished to be by his side?

_ “At his side, as if you’ve always been there and always will be.” _

Edith Keeler’s words echoed in his head once more, as they often had for the past several months. 

Still, he could not find the words, and Jim eventually rolled his eyes and walked into the meeting room.

Spock followed, a profound sense of disappointment lingering in his stomach.

 

* * *

 

**2259.56**

“You’re staying here.”

Alice glared up at him, stamping her foot.

“But Daddy-!”

“No buts, Alice. You’re staying here with Nana until I get home.”

“But I don’t want to stay with Nana!” She turned to Jim’s mom. “No offense.”

“No, I get it, kiddo. But I have to agree with your dad here, it’s way too dangerous.” She gave Jim a look. “For everyone involved.”

“Mom. Not helping.”

“Daddy, I’ve seen Klingons before!”

“Well, this is different. This is Klingons  _ and  _ a guy who killed hundreds of people and put Admiral Pike in a coma. Look, buttercup, I promise, it’s only gonna be for- for a week, at the most. We’ll go get this guy, bring him home, and then I’ll... buy you an ice cream cake.”

Alice quirked an eyebrow.

“You think bribing me with an ice cream cake is gonna work?”

“Well, I did until you looked at me like that. What  _ do  _ you want then?”

“To go with you! Or for you to stay here!” Alice’s eyes were big and pleading. “Daddy, I... I don’t want you to get hurt like Mr. Admiral Pike...”

Jim felt his expression soften, and he sighed, kneeling down and pulling her close.

“Alice, I swear on my honor as Captain of the USS Enterprise, I’m gonna be right back, and I’ll be all in one piece.”

“... And then you’ll buy me an ice-cream cake?”

Jim let out a startled laugh, giving her a look.

“I thought you didn’t want the cake?”

“No, I want the cake, you’re just not gonna bribe me with it.”

Jim laughed again, then pressed a kiss to her forehead.

“I promise, as soon as I get home I’ll buy you a strawberry ice-cream cake.”

“With buttercream frosting!” Alice added emphatically.

“Yes, the most delicious buttercream frosting in the whole universe. I love you, Alice.”

Alice smiled up at him, though her eyes were still full of fear.

“I love you too, Daddy. Come back soon, okay?”

“Count on it.” He stood, then leaned over and pressed a kiss to his mom’s cheek. “Love you, Ma.”

“Yeah, yeah, that’s cause I’m your designated babysitter, kid. Love you too. Now get moving before they leave you here.”

“You deserve the sun and stars!” He called as he started walking toward the shuttle, only half-teasing.

After enduring another round of questioning from Bones, Jim finally made it onto the shuttle, sighing as he took a seat on the other side of a row from Spock.

“Status report, Mr. Spock.”

“The Enterprise should be ready for launch by the time we arrive.”

“Good, good,” Jim murmured as he picked up a PADD.

“Captain,” Spock started. “Thank you for requesting my reinstatement.”

Jim couldn’t help but smile at him.

“You’re welcome,” he said before leaning away from Bones’ scanner.

“As I am again your First Officer, it is now my duty to strongly object to our mission parameters.”

Jim rolled his eyes.

“Course it is.”

“There is no regulation that condemns a man to die without a trial, something you and Admiral Marcus are forgetting. Also, preemptively firing torpedoes at the Klingon homeworld goes against-!”

“You yourself said the area’s uninhabited. There’s only gonna be one casualty. And in case you weren’t listening, our orders have nothing to do with Starfleet regulation.”

“Wait a minute, we’re firing torpedoes at the Klingons?”

“Regulations aside this action is morally wrong-!”

“Regulations aside, pulling your ass out of a volcano was morally right! And I didn’t win any points for that, did I?”

“Jim, calm down, I can’t get a good read on your blood pressure.”

“And you know something? I don’t think I wanna take ethics lessons from you of all people, Mr. No Emotions Whatsoever!”

“Reverting to name calling suggests that you are defensive and therefore find my opinion valid-!”

“And that’s another thing, would you  _ stop  _ teaching Alice how to argue? Seriously, talking to my five-year-old shouldn’t feel like I’m in debate club! Also, wasn’t asking for your opinion, and Bones would you get that thing out of my face already?!”

“Captain, our mission could start a war with the Klingons, and it is, by its very definition, immoral. Perhaps you should take the requisite time to arrive at this conclusion yourself.”

Jim was about to say something about how Spock still hadn’t realized why Jim came back for him (even though Jim wasn’t sure he wanted Spock to realize the  _ exact  _ reason), but then someone cleared their throat.

“Captain Kirk?”

A blond woman with a pleasant smile was in front of him.

“Uh... yes?”

“Science Officer Wallace. I’ve been assigned to the Enterprise by Admiral Marcus. These are my transfer orders.”

Jim pursed his lips as he skimmed the document on the PADD, then smiled back at her. 

“Well, everything seems to be in order. Welcome aboard.”

“You requested an additional science officer, Captain?”

“No, but since you’re being an ass, I think I’m just gonna go with it. More the merrier. Have a seat, uh... Lieutenant Carol Wallace.”

Wallace smiled as she sat down, and out of the corner of his eye he saw Spock’s eyes narrow.

If Jim hadn’t known better, he would have thought he looked...  _ jealous. _

Which was, of course, hilarious, because Spock knew that Jim couldn’t just date anyone he thought was cute- even though, yeah, Wallace was pretty cute. 

But he’d also only known her all of five minutes. That wasn’t nearly enough time to figure out if she’d be okay with possibly being Alice’s mom, because essentially, that’s where any relationship Jim had from now on would lead, if it didn’t crash and burn.

Not that that would matter to Spock. 

Even if Jim wished it would.

 

* * *

 

“Captain?”

Jim forced a smile as he entered the turbolift.

“Hey, Uhura. How’s it going?”

Uhura gave him a look as she joined him.

“I heard about Admiral Pike.”

Jim sighed, shaking his head.

“Yeah, well. Coulda been a lot worse. As it stands, odds are he’ll come out of it in the next couple weeks, but they... well, they’re not so sure about him walking again.”

“You okay?”

“I’m fine, Lieutenant, thank you for-!”

“Jim, I’m not asking you as a lieutenant, I’m asking you as a friend who’s spent all night in a hospital with you because your two-year-old had a raging fever.”

Damn. She had him there. 

“... Actually, Scotty just quit. And Spock’s second-guessing me every chance he gets.” He scowled. “Sometimes I just wanna... rip the stupid bangs off his stupid head.”

Uhura snorted.

“Thought you’d be beyond pigtail-pulling by now, Jim.”

Jim blinked, then turned bright red.

“W... Wait, what? No, it’s not-! It’s not like that!”

Uhura rolled her eyes, then gave him a look.

“Jim, I know you, and well, I’ve been there. Let me tell you, I think your chances are better than mine.”

The doors opened before Jim could say anything else- mainly because Spock was on the other side, eyebrow quirked.

“Captain, are you alright? You appear to be flushed.”

Uhura snickered as she glided onto the bridge. Jim glared at her back, then sighed, keeping his eyes to the ground.

“What, were your ears burning?” He muttered as he passed Spock.

After assigning Chekov to Engineering- and Jim was like eighty-six percent sure he’d heard him  _ whimper  _ when he told him to put on a red shirt- Jim settled into his chair, telling Sulu to prepare for takeoff.

“Lieutenant Uhura, open a ship-wide channel.”

“Yes, sir.”

“Mr. Chekov, how’re we looking down there?”

_ “All systems nominal, Keptin.” _

“Copy that.”

_ “Warp available at your command.” _

“Thank you, Mr. Chekov.” Jim looked out over the bridge, avoiding Spock’s eyes. “Let’s ride.”

Sulu brought the ship into warp, and Uhura told him the channel was open.

“Attention, crew of the Enterprise. As most of you know, Christopher Pike, former captain of this ship and our friend, is currently comatose. The man who put him in that coma has fled our system and is hiding on the Klingon homeworld, somewhere he believes we are unwilling to go. We are on our way there now. Per Admiral Marcus, it is essential that our presence go undetected. Tensions between the Federation and the Klingon Empire have been high. Any provocation could lead to an all-out war.”

Jim paused, glancing over at Spock. Spock, as usual, did not show any sign of emotion.

He looked away.

“I will personally lead a landing party to an abandoned city on the surface of Qo’noS, where we will capture the fugitive known as John Harrison. We will then return him to Earth so he can face judgement for his actions.” He took a breath. “Alright, let’s go get this son of a bitch. Kirk out.”

Spock silently walked over to him a moment later.

“Captain, I believe you have made the right decision. If I can be of any assistance, I would be happy to accompany you on the away team.”

Jim grinned at him.

“You? Happy?”

“I was simply attempting to use your vernacular to convey an idea.”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“Thanks, Spock. Although... You know that would leave  _ Chekov  _ in charge, right?”

“You are the one who promoted him to Chief Engineer, sir.”

Jim rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, well, Keenser left too, so there went my second choice for Chief Engineer.”

“I am uncertain as to whether Keenser would be a better choice for third in command, Captain.”

“Well, if I had it my way, I’d put Uhura in charge.”

“You’d never get your ship back, sir,” Uhura replied easily.

“Oh, yeah, the crew would mutiny if I tried to take over after you were in charge.”

Spock looked a bit lost. Jim just laughed.

 

* * *

 

Wallace was scanning the contents of the torpedoes when Spock finally located her.

“Oh!” She smiled politely. “Mr. Spock, you startled me.”

“... What are you doing, Doctor?”

“Verifying the torpedoes’ internal-!”

“You misunderstand. What are you doing aboard this ship? There is no record of you being assigned to the Enterprise.”

Her smile faltered, though only a miniscule amount.

“Really? That must be some sort of mistake-!”

“That was my conclusion as well, Dr. Marcus.”

The smile was completely gone now.

“I... what?”

“There is no Dr. Carol Wallace in Starfleet’s registry- however, there is a Dr. Carol  _ Marcus.  _ You have lied about your identity. Wallace is the surname of your mother. I can only assume the admiral is your father.”

Marcus swallowed, taking a few steps toward him.

“M... Mr. Spock. I’m aware that I have no right to ask this of you. But please, he cannot know that I’m here-!”

The ship lurched just then, sending them both tumbling to the ground. When it stabilized, Spock informed Marcus that this conversation was not yet at an end, then made his way to the bridge.

“Spock, good. You’re coming with me to Qo’noS. Uhura, how’s your Klingon?”

“Rusty, but it’s good.”

“Great, you’re coming too.” He leaned over to the intercom on his chair. “Chekov, I’m counting on you to get us patched up while we’re down there, got it?”

Spock heard Chekov whimper.

_ “I... I will do my best, sir.” _

“Great, good luck, kiddo.” Jim grinned at him, though his eyes were tired. “Well, let’s get this show on the road. Mr. Sulu, you have the conn.”

 

* * *

 

“Spock, really, I’m fine!”

“As I have informed you many times, sir, fine has variable definitions, and you are injured to the point of being unable to walk.”

“Okay, yeah, but do you have to carry me like this?” Jim protested, trying to ignore the fact that Spock’s hand was dangerously close to his butt. “I feel like you’re about to deliver me over the threshold or something.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Threshold, Captain?”

“Yeah, y’know, like...” Jim couldn’t help but blush as he cleared his throat. “Like we’re... like we’re getting married.”

Uhura snickered tiredly, and Spock’s eyebrow arched higher, though Jim could have sworn his ears had turned a little green.

“Would you prefer I carried you over my shoulder?”

Jim blinked, then made a face.

“Y’know, no, I wouldn’t, that would probably undermine my authority a lot more here. Where’s Bones, he’ll fix me up so I can walk.”

Spock ended up carrying him all the way to the brig, where they’d put Harrison. Jim wasn’t sure if he was glad that no one laughed, or if he was disturbed that no one seemed even remotely surprised to see Spock cradling him in his arms.

Even if he was enjoying it just a little.

After Bones got through hypo-ing him half to death and grumbling about him having no sense of self-preservation, the three of them made their way over to Harrison’s cell.

“Put your arm through the hole,” Bones instructed after placing the disruptor on the glass. “I’m gonna take a blood sample.”

Harrison silently rolled up his sleeve and did so, not reacting even when the needle went in.

“Why aren’t we moving, Captain? An unexpected malfunction, perhaps in your warp core, conveniently stranding you on the edge of Klingon space?”

“How the hell do you know that?” Bones asked, his voice a low growl.

“Bones,” Jim chided before looking at Harrison. 

“I think you’d find my insight valuable, Captain.”

Bones finished patching him up, pushing his arm back and removing the disruptor.

“Good?”

“Yup.” 

“Great,” Jim said as he started to walk away. “Let me know what you find.”

“Ignore me and you will get everyone on this ship killed.”

Jim froze, clenching his fists.

“Captain, I believe he will only attempt to manipulate you. I would not recommend engaging the prisoner further-!”

“Just... just give me a minute.”

Spock looked unsure, but did as Jim asked, leaving the room without another word. Jim swallowed, then took a breath, turning back towards Harrison and storming over to him.

“Let me explain what’s happening here. You are a criminal. I watched you murder innocent people, I was authorized to  _ end you!  _ The only reason that you’re still breathing is because I am allowing it. So shut. The fuck.  _ Up.  _ Before I change my mind.”

Harrison looked amused.

“Oh, Captain, are you going to punch me again over and over again until your arm weakens? Clearly you want to, so tell me, why did you allow me to live?”

Jim grit his teeth.

“We all make mistakes.”

“No. I surrendered to you because, despite your attempt to convince me otherwise, you seem to have a conscience, Mr. Kirk.” He smirked. “Or perhaps there’s someone you were unsure you’d ever be able to face again if you killed me.”

Jim’s heart stopped.

There was no way. He couldn’t know. 

He couldn’t know about Alice.

“In any case, if you didn’t, it would be impossible for me to convince you of the truth.” Harrison gave him some coordinates, telling him that he’d find his explanation there.

“Give me one reason I should listen to you.”

“I can give you seventy-two. And they’re all on board your ship, Captain. They have been all along. I suggest you open one up.”

Jim stared at him for a moment, then turned away without a word, all but jogging out of the brig before pulling out his comm and dialing Scotty’s number.

He didn’t trust Harrison as far as- as far as  _ Spock  _ could throw him, but... well. 

Something about all of this just didn’t  _ feel  _ right.

 

* * *

 

**2259.58**

_ “Engineering to bridge. Mr. Spock!” _

“Mr. Scott.”

_ “Sir, you’d... you’d better get down here. Better hurry.” _

Spock did not have it in him to be ashamed that his first thought was of Jim. He was out of his seat in an instant, speeding past Uhura and out of the bridge.

His body was on autopilot. All he could think was  _ Jim, Jim, Jim. _

Scott was stone-faced when he arrived in Engineering. He looked down, shaking his head.

Spock’s stomach twisted as he ran into the area surrounding the warp core, and then dropped when he saw Jim slumped against the glass.

“Open it,” he commanded.

“The... the decontamination process is not complete. You’d flood the whole compartment. The door’s locked, sir.”

Spock swallowed, then kneeled down so that he was eye level with Jim. Jim was breathing heavily, clearly exhausting what little energy he had left just to stay awake. He reached up, and the internal mechanisms of the core whirred as a door behind him shut.

After a moment, he opened his eyes, though he was clearly struggling to do so.

“H... How’s our ship?”

“Out of danger.” Speaking was difficult. Spock’s eyes were... stinging. They had not stung like this since he was a child. “You saved the crew.”

“You used what he wanted against him. That’s... that’s a nice move.”

Spock swallowed. His vision was starting to blur.

“It... it is what you would have done.”

“Course it is. How d’ya think I beat you at chess?” Jim smiled. “And this... this is what you woulda done. Was only... logical...”

Jim was shaking now, and his smile dropped.

“M’scared, Spock... help me not be... tell me how you do it. How d’you... choose not to feel?”

Spock’s cheeks were becoming wet.

“I... I do not know. Right now, I am... I am failing...”

Jim’s own eyes were wet.

“Spock... can you do something for me? Make sure... make sure Alice knows I’m sorry, okay? M’sorry that I couldn’t keep my promise... but I love her, always.”

Spock swallowed hard, nodding gently.

“And I... I want you to know somethin’, too. Want you to know why... why I couldn’t leave you. Couldn’t... couldn’t let you die.”

In that moment, Spock had a realization, far, far too late. 

He finally understood why. Through all the laughter, tears, anger, better and worse, logical and illogical, through all the heartache, why he wanted nothing more than to stay by James T. Kirk’s side, as if he’d always been there and always would be.

_ We are t’hy’lara. You are the other half of myself, half of my heart and half of my soul. You are everything and more, and I... I cannot lose you without losing myself. _

That is what Spock realized. 

However, that is not what Spock said. What Spock said was this.

“Because you are my friend.”

_ Friend. Friend, brother, lover. Soulmate.  _

Jim smiled weakly, then grunted, slowly raising his hand and pressing it to the glass. Spock pressed his own against the other side, watching as Jim’s finger’s parted in the  _ ta’al.  _

Within a moment, Jim went completely still, and all Spock could do was watch as the life left those blue eyes. 

Spock becoming acutely aware of the sound of his heart beating in his side, anguish rolling over him in waves, until suddenly, a new feeling started bubbling up deep in his gut.

Rage, burning, boiling inside of him, higher and higher, threatening to overtake him completely and never let go.

And for once, Spock simply let it happen.

 

* * *

 

When Jim woke up, he was in a cornfield. 

His first thought was that he did not remember falling asleep in a cornfield.

His second thought was that he was supposed to be dead.

“Fuck, is this Hell?” Jim blinked, looking around a bit. “Is Hell  _ Iowa?” _

If he weren’t so confused, he might have declared triumphantly that he was  _ right,  _ take  _ that,  _ Mom!

Of course, the reality of the situation was that he was dead, Mom had lost yet another family member to a disaster on a starship, and also when did that farmhouse get here?

Jim blinked, tilting his head slightly as he got to his feet. The corn stalks didn’t lash out and try to rip out his liver, so that childhood nightmare was disproved. Slowly, he made his way through the field, getting to the edge of the corn about a hundred feet from the farmhouse.

He smelled pie. Grandma Hilde’s apple pie.

Maybe he wasn’t in Hell. 

“Hello?” He called, cupping his hands around his mouth. “Can somebody help me?”

The door to the farmhouse swung open, and a man stepped out. He was taller than Jim, with broad shoulders and short, slightly messy blonde hair, and blue, blue eyes.

Jim’s eyes.

“You lost, kid?” 

Jim’s mouth was hanging open, and he forced himself to close it, swallowing hard.

“A... Are you George Kirk?”

The man’s eyebrows rose, and he leaned up against the doorframe.

“I am. And you are?”

“I... well... I’m-!”

“George, dear, who’s at the door-? Oh my god.”

Jim’s heart all but melted when a smaller, thin woman pushed past his father, his vision blurring with tears.

“Hi, Grandma,” he managed to croak out.

His grandma was on him in an instant, her arms wrapped around his neck. Jim laughed through his tears, wrapping his own arms around her waist and picking her up so he could spin her around.

She was so much lighter than he’d ever thought she’d be. She’d been so thin when she died, so sick from all the chemo and medicine, she’d barely even looked like herself.

Now, though, his grandma looked like he remembered her. So full of life and beautiful, tough as nails with a musical laugh.

“Since when are you so sentimental as to spin an old lady around?” She teased once he put her back on the ground. 

“Hey, you died fourteen years ago, lady, I think I’m allowed to be a little sentimental.”

Her face fell a bit.

“Fourteen years...? But that would only make you...”

Jim smiled sadly.

“I’m twenty-six,” he admitted quietly.

“Oh,  _ sweetheart.  _ You’re here much, much too soon.”

“I know, Grandma. I’m sorry.”

“Ma?” He heard his father- his  _ father!-  _ call. “Ma, who  _ is  _ this? And... and why is he calling you grandma?”

His grandma rolled his eyes, putting her hands on her hips and giving his father a look.

“George Jefferson Kirk, you’re a lot of things, but really, I  _ know  _ your father and I didn’t raise you to be a dunce!”

Jim snorted, grinning as his grandma led him over to the farmhouse, though he found himself getting nervous once he was face to face with his father.

“Dear, think. Who would call me, your mother, Grandma?”

“... He looks nothing like Junior.”

Okay. So it was entirely possible that the man he’d been trying to emulate all this time was actually kind of a dimbulb. 

Come to think of it, his mom might actually have told him that once or twice.

“No, I’m not Sam,” Jim clarified. “And the reason you don’t recognize me is... well... we were only ever alive at the same time for about five minutes.”

His father blinked once, twice, three times before his eyes widened in realization.

“... James? James, is that you?”

Jim smiled nervously.

“Hi, Dad.”

The second the last syllable left his mouth, Jim found himself in a bone-crushing hug.

“I’m sorry... I’m so, so sorry, James, I...”

“It’s... It’s Jim, Dad, and... honestly kinda in the same boat here...”

Alice. Oh, god, Alice. He tried to feel for her, and there was nothing. 

Still, somehow he knew. He remembered the agony when she lost her mother.

How much worse must it be now? She’d barely had a bond with her mother, and she and Jim had been so close...

“Hey, where did everyone go?”

Jim’s heart stopped when he heard that voice, pushing on his father’s chest to let him go just as the front door opened.

His grandfather blinked once, twice, three times.

“... Jimmy?”

“Hi, Poppy,” he greeted quietly, unable to keep from using the name he’d called his grandfather when he was five.

This, of course, led to yet another hug, followed by a punch on the shoulder because he was  _ too early, dammit. _

Jim just laughed. It was all he could do to keep from crying.

 

* * *

 

**2259.59**

Jim’s heart began beating once more at approximately two minutes past midnight.

“I don’t know how it works, Spock, but...” McCoy sighed, collapsing back into a nearby chair. “He’s... he’s alive. Dunno how, and I think I might be some kinda necromancer now, but... he’s alive.”

Spock did not respond. He could not take his eyes off the heartbeat monitor, his eyes following every spike, every drop.

Jim was alive. 

Jim was  _ alive. _

His  _ t’hy’la,  _ the other half of himself... he was breathing. His heart was beating.

“... When will... when will he awaken?”

“Fuck if I know. I just brought a man back from the dead, Spock, there ain’t exactly medical precedent for this. Could be in a couple minutes, could be in a couple weeks, hell, could be a couple _ years.” _

Spock did not want to ask the obvious question. Thankfully, McCoy seemed to know what it was.

“See that screen on the top left over there? That’s his brain activity. S’weak, but it’s still there. As long as he isn’t brain dead, there’s a chance he’ll wake up.”

Relief must have been obvious on Spock’s face, because McCoy snorted.

“God. I’ve never seen a pair as obvious as you two, you know that?”

Spock blinked, looking at McCoy curiously.

“Doctor?”

McCoy sighed, shaking his head as he got out of his chair.

“Oh, don’t mind me, Spock, I’m just... I’m running on fumes here. Surprised you aren’t about to fall apart yourself.”

“Vulcans require less sleep than Humans, Dr. McCoy.”

“Yeah, I know. Since that’s the case, you keep an eye on him while I go pass out for... probably the next three days or so. If anything changes-!”

“I will call you immediately.”

“No, go get someone on staff. I meant it about those three days, Spock, and I’m gonna be pretty useless without ‘em.”

This seemed to be an attempt at humor, but it went unspoken, as McCoy left the room shortly after. Spock turned to Jim, who was- thankfully- still breathing. 

Spock had never been so grateful for something in all his life.

He quietly picked up McCoy’s chair, taking it over to Jim’s bedside after carefully navigating the litany of tubes around his body. At first, he simply sat quietly next to him, listening to the sound of his heartbeat monitor. By the end of this, Spock was certain he would have memorized the pattern.

Then his eyes began to fill with tears once more, and Spock did not have the energy to stop them.

_ “Ashayam,”  _ he whispered, his voice sounding broken and weak even to himself.  _ “Ashayam, ni’droi’ik nar-tor,  _ I am sorry, I am so,  _ so  _ sorry... I should have realized much sooner what you are to me, where I belong.”

Jim’s heartbeat remained steady.

“I swear to you, I... I will tell you. Once you awaken, I will tell you what we are, what you mean to me.”

Spock swallowed thickly.

“I can only hope that you... that you will forgive me for it.”

 

* * *

 

“Oh, she’s adorable!”

Despite the torrent of emotions swirling around in Jim’s gut, he grinned as he showed off the picture of Alice that had somehow stayed with him.

“Those ears, though,” his grandpa murmured. “Is your daughter a Vulcan, Jimmy?”

“That she is.”

“Now how did you swing that? Far as I know, Vulcans don’t go for casual, and I’m not seeing a wedding ring on those fingers,” his grandma said with a quirked eyebrow.

Jim laughed nervously.

“Well, uh, that’s cause Alice  _ was  _ born out of wedlock- I know, Grandma, I’m sorry, but she’s the light of my... she  _ was  _ the light of my life, and I have no regrets.” Jim crumpled a bit. “Other than, y’know, I’m not gonna be able to see her grow up...”

His grandparents’ and his father’s expressions all softened.

“It’s not your fault, James,” his father assured him, putting a hand on his shoulder. “You didn’t leave her of your own volition.”

“I chose this, though. I chose to save my ship when I knew that it would kill me... what?”

His family was staring at him incredulously.

“Y...  _ Your  _ ship?” His grandpa finally managed.

“Eh? Oh, uh, didn’t I tell you?” Jim grinned, straightening in his seat. “You’re looking at Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise.”

_ “Captain?”  _ His grandparents exclaimed at the same time.

“You’re twenty-six!” His father exclaimed.

“That I am.”

“I can’t- I wasn’t even a commissioned officer at your age, how did you get a captaincy?”

“That... is a really long story. And also, super complicated, it involves time travel and the destruction of Vulcan.”

Again, his family looked stunned.

“Yeah, like I said, long story. Looks like I’ve got nothing but time, though-!”

Suddenly, the world became...  _ wavy,  _ his family’s faces distorted for a good few minutes before returning to normal. Jim blinked, shuddering a little.

“Okay, well. That... that was weird.” Jim blinked, then arched an eyebrow. “What?”

His grandma looked like she was about to start crying again.

“Jimmy,” she started, her voice a little rough even though she was smiling. “Jimmy, you’re not dead.”

Jim blinked, then tilted his head.

“Uh... I’m pretty sure I  _ am,  _ Grandma. I mean, I  _ am  _ sitting at a table with a bunch of dead folks.”

She shook her head.

“Sweetheart, do you remember how I died?”

“You had cancer. You...” His eyes widened. “You went into a coma, then died after three days. Am... am I in a coma?”

“I think you might be, Jimbo,” his grandpa confirmed, smiling a little sadly. “And I don’t think that it’s quite time for you to join us yet.”

As he said that, they started getting wavy again, slower this time.

“I... I don’t want to...”

“You have to, son,” his dad told him. “It’s not your time yet. We’ll see each other again, I promise.”

They were so blurry now that Jim couldn’t distinguish them from one another.

“I... I love you guys...”

“We love you too, sweetpea. You get home to that little girl of yours, alright?”

Before Jim could reply to that, they disappeared, and Jim closed his eyes involuntarily.

When he opened them again, he was on the bridge of the Enterprise.

Or, at least, he  _ thought  _ it was the Enterprise. The technology and layout seemed similar, but somehow more...  _ vintage.  _

It was also a lot more colorful than his ship’s bridge- everything on his bridge was overwhelmingly white, while this had blues and purples and... carpeted flooring, for some reason.

“What the hell...?”

He heard the bridge doors open behind him, and he turned around, his eyes going wide when he came face to face with...

Well, with  _ himself.  _ Older, rounder, a little shorter for some reason, and brown-eyed, but almost certainly him.

And definitely just as surprised as he was.

“Huh,” his older counterpart said after a moment. “Well. That’s a new one.”

 

* * *

 

**2259.68**

Spock did not see the woman and Alice at Jim’s bedside until he entered the hospital room. 

“My apologies,” he stated quickly, turning around. 

“Wait! Wait, just a- Alice, stay here- wait!”

Spock turned again, arching an eyebrow when he realized that the woman had followed him into the hallway. Her blond hair was a similar texture to Jim’s, but a slightly darker shade, her eyes a little more green. Her skin was slightly creased around her eyes and near her mouth, but otherwise she showed few signs of aging. 

Still, there was something quite... intimidating about her, despite the fact that she was several inches shorter than Spock.

“Ma’am?”

“You’re... you’re Spock, right? Commander Spock?”

“I am. And you are?”

“Commander Winona Kirk, Chief Engineer on the USS Discovery.” Commander Kirk smiled at him. “Your sister talks about you a lot, you know. She’s real proud of you.”

Spock blinked, surprised.

“Michael?”

“You got any other sisters? Of course I mean Captain Burnham.”

Vulcans did not feel guilty... but Spock was not all Vulcan, and therefore his human half felt quite guilty, since he had not spoken with his sister since... well, prior to the destruction of Vulcan-that-was.

“I... I see.” Spock cleared his throat. “I... I apologize for interrupting your time with your son-!”

“Oh, please, I’ve been in there for hours now. As much as I love Jimmy, watching someone sleep isn’t exactly exciting.”

“I suppose not... but I must apologize for something else.”

“Oh?”

“I was... if I had known what Ji- the captain had planned to do, I would have intervened, but since I did not ask, he was-!”

“Commander, please. I know my son well enough to know that once he’s got it in his head to do something, there’s no stopping him from doing it. Well, unless you’re Len and got hypos hidden somewhere, that might stop him.” She smiled again. “Besides, I hear that I’ve got you to thank for him still being alive in the first place.”

Spock’s ears were burning at the tips.

“It... it was the logical course of action, ma’am.”

“From what I heard, you got into one hell of a brawl with a superhuman mass murderer on top of a garbage truck and nearly snapped his neck. If that’s logical, then I’ve got Vulcans all wrong.”

The burning had spread to his cheeks.

“I... I admit that I may have been somewhat emotionally compromised at that time.”

Kirk hummed, turning so that she was looking into the hospital room. Alice was still by her father’s bedside, resting her chin on his arm.

“... I was with her when he died, y’know. We were watching a news broadcast about the ships falling out of the sky, and suddenly she just... she started screaming.”

Spock’s heartbeat stuttered, a cold sensation spreading through his frame.

“She was wailing, gasping for breath, kept grabbing at her ears and pulling on her hair, and she couldn’t- couldn’t tell me what was wrong, just screamed and screamed until she finally passed out.” Kirk swallowed. “Len called me and told me what happened about ten minutes later.”

Spock swallowed a lump in his throat, keeping his eyes on Alice through the window.

“The... the breaking of parental bonds can be extremely distressing to young Vulcans. Alice’s reaction was no doubt exacerbated by the... the incident last year. The destruction of Vulcan-that-was resulted in a psionic scream felt by all surviving members of our race, and as Alice’s mother was one of the victims, in addition to the scream, she also felt their bond break. It... It is likely that she associates the sensation of a bond breaking with pain.”

Kirk didn’t respond to that right away.

“... I’m completely psi-null,” she finally said. “I... I can’t bond with her, not the way Jimmy has. I tried, and all I got out of it was a migraine and a crying three-month-old granddaughter. Thought it would be easy, since Jimmy didn’t seem to have any trouble with it, but as it turns out, he’s  _ not  _ psi-null.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Indeed?”

“Nope. Turns out that George’s great-grandma on his mom’s side was a Betazoid. It’s not a lot, but it’s enough to allow him to host a bond with Alice.”

“I see. My own mother reported some difficulties with telepathy when she first attempted to bond with my father, although by the time of my birth she was able to maintain telepathic bonds with ease.”

“... It’s important to you guys, right? The whole bond thing?”

“Extremely so. It is how we learn to connect with our species, to control our abilities. A child with no bonds is likely to be highly withdrawn and have trouble socializing, and in the most extreme circumstances, may have issues with communication overall. Parental bonds are especially important, second only to the link established between oneself and one’s bondmate. Without intervention, this bond can only be broken upon the death of one of the linked individuals.”

“... What does that mean for Alice and Jim, then?”

Spock blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“Elaborate, please.”

“Jim  _ died,  _ Commander. He died, and I saw Alice when the bond broke... I know there’s no precedent for this, but... can it be fixed?”

Spock thought this over, then nodded.

“It is possible. Broken bonds can be restored so long as both parties involved are in close proximity to one another and do not shield each other from their minds. It is most likely repairing itself as we speak, since J- the captain is exhibiting brain activity similar to REM sleep. Once he awakens, it will most likely instantaneously revert back to its strength prior to his passing. I doubt there will be any need for the intervention of a healer, considering how close they are.”

Kirk let out a sigh of relief, then smirked up at Spock.

“You know, you don’t have to keep up appearances here.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“I am unsure as to your meaning.”

“I mean that you can call him Jim. Lord knows he’s always ranting about you calling him Captain off the bridge.” She grinned. “And you can call me Winona, kiddo. With the way Alice talks about you, you’re practically part of the family at this point.”

Spock was unable to keep himself from flushing. Considering his recent discovery about what Alice’s father was to him, that may be more true than Winona knew.

Still, he could not help but feel guilty.

“... I did not think she would hold me in such esteem.”

“Why not?”

“She has been... quite upset with me these past few weeks, and up until ten point two days ago, I was unable to truly understand why.” Spock swallowed. “Even now that I do understand, I... I find myself reluctant to face her.”

After a moment, Winona snorted.

“I can’t believe this. Here you are, a big, bad Starfleet officer that just took down a power-hungry superhuman, and you’re nervous about talking to a five-year-old girl.”

Spock’s ears burned.

“Vulcans do not get nervous, Winona.”

“Sure they don’t, and my grandkid’s really half-Romulan.” She grinned at him again. “But you can’t avoid her forever, ya know. And you’re gonna look pretty dumb standing out here staring at them through a window.”

Winona turned on her heel before Spock could reply.

“Think I’ll go check on Chris. Keep an eye on her for me, would ya?”

She walked away, seemingly deaf to Spock’s protests.

He was suddenly very aware of where Jim’s personality came from. 

Spock swallowed hard, then took a deep breath before stepping into the range of the automatic door. Alice looked up at him, her eyes wide and more than a bit wet.

“M... Mr. Spock...”

Spock’s throat felt tight as he approached her, wordlessly kneeling down in front of her.

“... Alice,” he began after a moment.  _ “Ni’droi’ik nar-tor.” _

Alice’s eyes became impossibly wider.

“F... For what?”

“Until... until your father... until then, I was unable to understand why you were upset with me after my actions on Nibiru. I did not understand that... that your anger was a result of you valuing my presence in your life, while I appeared not to place the same value on that relationship.”

Alice’s eyes were now damp, although the red rims around her eyes informed him that this was not the first time she had cried today.

“I deeply regret that my actions came across as a sign that I do not hold you in esteem. That is not the case. In fact, the opposite is true. Over this past year, you have become an important part of my life, and I have found that I... I cannot imagine my life without you in it.” Spock swallowed. “I... I hope that you understand that. This is... I am not very adept at expressing-!”

Alice let out a small sob before rushing forward, wrapping her arms around Spock’s neck and clinging to him tightly. Spock blinked, remaining still as she wept into his uniform jacket, unsure of what he should do.

After a moment, he decided to chance it and embrace her back. This appeared to be the correct course of action, as Alice responded by burrowing into his shoulder.

He was unsure how long they remained this way. He was vaguely aware that his knees were beginning to ache.

He did not care.

“... m’sorry...” Alice murmured after she finally pulled away, wiping at her eyes.

“Alice, you have nothing to apologize-!”

“I got snot on your jacket.”

Spock blinked, then glanced at his shoulder, which indeed had a small amount of nasal mucus on it.

“Ah. Well, no matter, that is understandable.” He pulled a handkerchief out of his pocket and held it out to her. “Please evacuate your nostrils into this.”

Alice blinked vacantly.

“Blow your nose.”

“Oh.” She took the cloth from him, honking loudly as she blew her nose. Once she was done, she attempted to hand it back to him, and he gently told her she could keep it.

“I’m sorry I was mean to you, too...” Alice murmured after a moment. “I... I was real mad, but that doesn’t make it okay...”

“You do not need to apologize. Your reaction was understandable, as Vulcans often feel very strong emotions.”

“Is that why you’re always so controlled, Mr. Spock?”

“Yes. It may be necessary for you to learn such control someday, although I cannot imagine that you will be following the teachings of Surak to the letter.”

Alice blinked.

“What’s a Surak?”

“Nevermind.” Spock turned to Jim’s still-unconscious form. “Is the repair of your paternal bond going smoothly?”

“Um... I think so? I can kind of feel Daddy in my head again, but I can’t tell how he’s feeling.”

“Since your father is currently comatose, that is logical. Once he awakens, the bond will most likely resolidify.”

“Oh.”

They were both silent for a moment.

“... Mr. Spock?”

“Yes, Alice?”

“Did... did you ever feel like your parents might be happier if... if you were just a Human? Or just a Vulcan?”

Spock blinked, turning to Alice. She was looking at her father, her expression far too tense for such a normally happy child.

“... On occasion, yes. More often, however, I thought that it would be easier on my mother had I been only Human.”

“... Did you ever tell her that?”

“I did, once. I was eight, and had struck a peer at school after he... well. He said some rather unkind things about my mother.”

“What did he say?”

“I do not believe your father or your grandmother would appreciate it if I told you.”

“Why?” Her eyes widened. “Was it a bad word?”

“Yes. In any case, the fact remains that he insulted her, and since he and his cohorts had been taunting me for several days prior to the incident, I... I lost control of my emotions. I struck him. Repeatedly.”

“... He sounds like a real bum,” Alice commented. “You shoulda kicked his butt.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward.

“Violence is not the answer, Alice.”

“What if they hit you first?”

“Then you may defend yourself, but... there is a saying amongst Vulcans.  _ Ri klau au ik klau tu.  _ Do no harm to those that harm you. Do you understand what that means?”

“Uh... don’t hit people even if they’re mean to you?”

“Essentially, yes. Although, if someone is threatening your livelihood or safety, then you may strike out at them, as that is self-preservation and therefore logical.”

“Okay... so what happened after that?”

“I was suspended from school, and my parents had an argument. I discussed my lack of control with my father, and I believe his advice may have made things... worse. In any case, my mother seemed unhappy with what had occurred, and I... I inquired if she would be more satisfied with her life had I been only Human rather than half-Vulcan.”

“... What did she say?”

“As one would expect, she was rather upset that I had ever suspected such a thing. However, she told me something interesting.”

“What was it?”

“She told me that she could not be sure if... if she would be happier had I been only Human, because then I would not be me. My Vulcan heritage is as much a part of me as my Humanity is. Were I only one race, then I would not be who I am now.” Spock’s lips quirked upward. “What she knew for certain, though, was that she loved me just the way I was, both Vulcan and Human, and yet neither. Because more important than any of that was that I am her son.”

Spock looked down at Alice and allowed himself to smile.

“And I am certain that your father would say the same thing were you to ask him.”

Alice looked at him for a moment, then smiled herself.

 

* * *

 

Jim was trying not to stare at all the older versions of his crewmates and friends. 

Trying being the operant word, because  _ what the fuck.  _ He knew he sometimes liked to tease Bones by calling him an old man, but he’d never realized what an old Bones would  _ actually  _ look like. He was all wrinkly, and had grays, and for some reason he and Jim’s counterpart had switched eye colors with Jim and his Bones. Plus, Scotty seemed to be missing his right middle finger, and upon asking the story there he was told that he’d lost it in a game of poker with a Klingon, although since Scotty winked after he was pretty sure that was just a tall tale. And Sulu was apparently married to a  _ woman,  _ which was just all kinds of weird. 

Nevermind seeing Chekov of all people as an older fellow. He’d kind of been under the impression that Chekov would be youthful and cute forever.

Uhura looked good though, which was completely unsurprising. 

What he found more than a bit disturbing, though, was that his own counterpart seemed so much...  _ younger  _ than the rest of them. He wasn’t as young as Jim, but he wasn’t even close to old Spock’s age- not even taking the fact that Vulcans lived longer than Humans into account.

“So!” His counterpart finally said once they came back to the bridge. “I’m sure you’ve got some, eh, some questions for me?”

Jim hummed, crossing his arms across his chest.

“Well, actually, just one- where the  _ fuck  _ am I?”

“Right now? You’re on the USS Enterprise-A. Or, well, some sort of recreation of it.”

“Wh- okay, hold on, Enterprise- _ A?  _ What happened to the plain old Enterprise?”

His counterpart opened his mouth to answer, then closed it.

“You know, I don’t... I don’t think I should tell you. From what you’ve told me about your version of events, I think it might be unwise to mess with your timeline much more.”

Jim gave his counterpart a look.

“You sound like Spock. Old Spock, I mean.”

His counterpart laughed.

“Well, that does tend to happen when you marry someone.”

“I guess-!” Jim froze, his eyes going wide as he slowly turned to look at his counterpart. “W... Wait,  _ married?” _

His counterpart blinked, then grinned sheepishly.

“Whoops.”

“I- You know what, I fucking  _ knew it!  _ I knew he was-! The way he was looking at me in that cave was nowhere  _ near  _ platonic!”

“Hey!” His counterpart protested. “That’s  _ my  _ husband, get your own!”

“I’m trying!”

They were both silent for a second, and Jim realized that he’d said that out loud. He blushed, clearing his throat and crossing his arms.

“Uh... I mean...”

“Don’t worry, kid, I get what you mean.” His counterpart chuckled. “Let me guess, he’s completely oblivious?”

“I genuinely don’t know how he hasn’t caught me staring at him at this point.” Jim groaned, shaking his head. “God, I’ve got it  _ bad.” _

His counterpart laughed.

“Well, for god’s sake, don’t do what I did.”

“And what was that?”

“Wait for him to make the first move. Trust me, he’s never gonna do it.”

Jim snorted.

“You’re assuming that he’s even into me that way.”

“Is he seeing someone else?”

“No.”

“Is he straight?”

“Decidedly not.”

“He’s interested. Trust me, if he’s anything like mine, he’s interested.”

Jim rolled his eyes, but couldn’t help the little spark of hope that rose up in his chest.

“... Do... do you miss him?”

His counterpart smiled sadly.

“Every day. You know, every time someone new appears, I keep thinking it’s going to be him.” He sighed. “But he’ll be along eventually. Even Vulcans don’t live forever.”

Jim was about to reply, but then the world got all wavy again.

“I, uh... I think my time’s up. Anything you want me to tell him?”

His counterpart snorted.

“Well, it’s a toss-up if he’ll believe you, but... tell him, ‘I am by your side, as I always have been and always shall be.’”

Jim wanted to comment on how cheesy (and Edith-like) that line was, but the world went dark before he could.

 

* * *

 

**2259.74**

Two point one three weeks after Khan’s attack, James T. Kirk awoke with a gasp. 

It was the most wonderful sound Spock had ever heard.

“Oh, don’t be so melodramatic,” McCoy chastised, though his tone was light. “You were barely dead. It was the transfusion that really took is toll. You were out cold for two weeks.”

“T... Transfusion?”

Spock needed to amend his earlier statement. The sound of Jim’s voice was the most wonderful sound he’d ever heard.

“Your cells were heavily irradiated. We had no choice.”

“Khan?”

“Once we caught him, I synthesized a serum from his... superblood, or whatever the fuck. Tell me, are you feeling, uh, homicidal? Power mad? Despotic?”

“No more than usual. How’d you catch him?”

“I didn’t.” McCoy turned, gesturing for Spock to come into Jim’s line of sight.

Spock struggled to keep from smiling as he did so. Or crying. Truly, his emotional controls were in tatters.

The way Jim’s eyes lit up when he saw Spock did not help matters.

“You saved my life.”

“Uhura and I had somethin’ to do with it too, y’know,” McCoy commented.

Jim rolled his eyes, but still smiled.

Spock had to resist the urge to throw McCoy out of the room, lock the door, and kiss Jim senseless. 

He may not have been as emotionally prepared for this as he’d thought.

“You saved my life, Captain. And the lives-!”

“Spock, just...” Another smile. Spock briefly considered just kissing him now, regardless of McCoy’s presence. “Thank you.”

_ You are my t’hy’la. You are precious. I would do anything for you. I would die to save you. I would die if I failed. _

This is what Spock thought. What he said, however, was this.

“You are welcome, Jim.”

Jim smiled once more, then turned to McCoy.

“So, uh, when can I expect to see my daughter again do you think?”

“Considering I just messaged your ma to tell her you’re awake, I’d say you got... maybe ten minutes.”

Ten minutes, as it turned out, was a liberal estimate. Winona and Alice arrived seven point two six minutes later. Winona came charging in through the front door, all but scooping her son up into her arms and pressing a truly astounding amount of kisses to his face. Jim protested this, pointing out Spock and McCoy’s presence in the room, but McCoy informed him that, quote, “after what you put your poor mother through, you’re gonna sit there and be babied, doctor’s orders.”

Unlike her grandmother, Alice did not enter the room right away. Once the commotion had died down somewhat, they all noticed her hovering in the doorway, her eyes wide and her lips parted.

“Alice?” Jim started, smiling gently. “Buttercup, are you okay?”

Alice blinked once, then twice, three times. 

Then her lip started to wobble. Her eyes filled with tears, and her shoulders began to shake. In a split second, she began wailing, her sobs echoing around the room.

“Oh,  _ sweetheart,”  _ Jim started, his own eyes filling with tears as his mother made her way over to Alice. She picked her up, shushing her gently as she carried her back over to Jim. Alice turned in her arms, reaching out to Jim and clinging to him as soon as she was in his arms. “Oh, oh, baby, buttercup,  _ Alice,  _ I’m so sorry, I’m so,  _ so  _ sorry...”

“D-Daaaaaaddy...” Alice hiccupped, burrowing into Jim’s shoulder. “Daddy, Daddy, Daddy, Daddy...”

“I know, honey, I know, I’m sorry...” He pressed a kiss to her forehead. “Shh, I know... it’s okay, I’m here now, it’s okay...”

Neither McCoy nor Winona had dry eyes at this point.

Nor did Spock. He doubted they would hold it against him.

And if he decided to perhaps delay his confession to Jim, well.

He could hardly be blamed for not wanting to interrupt this moment.

 

* * *

 

**2260.55**

Jim sighed as he walked out onto the bridge, grinning when he saw Sulu in his chair.

“Hard to get out of it once you’ve had a taste, huh?” He teased lightly. 

“Captain  _ does  _ have a nice ring to it, but... chair’s all yours, sir.”

Jim laughed as Sulu went back to the navigation console, pressing the intercom button.

“Scotty, how’s the core looking?”

_ “Purring like a kitten, Captain. She’s ready for a long journey.” _

“Excellent.” He pressed another button. “Hey, buttercup, you all set up in your room?”

_ “Yup! Well, I have all the boxes in here, anyway. I don’t have to unpack them right now, do I?” _

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“No, Alice, you’re good. Sit tight, okay?”

_ “Kay! Love you, Daddy!” _

Jim grinned, telling her he loved her back before hanging up. He jogged over to Bones, clapping him on the shoulder.

“Come on, Bones, it’s gonna be fun!”

He heard Bones mutter something about five years in space with Jim. He pretended that it was a compliment.

“Dr. Marcus,” he greeted cheerfully. “Glad you could join us. Welcome to the family.”

“It’s nice to be part of a family,” she replied before her eyes started to wander. Jim followed her gaze, grinning when he realized that she was looking at Nyota- who, by the way, had finally allowed him to be on a first name basis.

“She likes Thai food and lilies,” Jim informed Carol cheerfully. “Y’know, just in case you needed a clue.”

From the way Carol blushed, he was pretty sure it was appreciated.

“Spock!” He called as he joined his first officer in front of the navigation desk. Spock’s lips twitched upward, and Jim was reminded of how his counterpart had smiled when Jim relayed what apparently was his and Jim’s counterpart’s  _ wedding vows. _

God. Their counterparts were  _ cheesy  _ old farts.

He kinda hoped they’d be just as cheesy someday.

“So, uh... where should we go?”

“As a mission of this duration has never been attempted, I defer to your good judgement, Captain.”

Jim just grinned at him, watching as he went to his seat before taking his own.

“Mr. Sulu, take us out.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey, guys! So I wasn't going to upload this until tomorrow, but as it turns out, I'm going to have to divide season 2 into three chapters- part one ended up being around eighty pages long before I cut it lmao. Since I'm now going to be uploading four chapters for this part, and I didn't want to upload more than one a day, I'm uploading STID today. Hope that's okay!  
> Anyway... I'm gonna be honest, I like STID a lot less now than I did when I was seventeen. Probably why I ended up focusing less on the actual movie than the aftermath.   
> Although I still apparently have a thing for Klingons. I blame Worf, as he holds the distinction of being my only childhood fictional crush that was also a guy. 
> 
> Vulcan to English:  
> T'hy'lara- plural of t'hy'la  
> Ni'droi'ik nar-tor- I am sorry; literally translates as asking for forgiveness
> 
> Guest Stars:  
> Winona Kirk- Michelle Pfeiffer  
> Tiberius Kirk- Martin Sheen  
> Brunhilde Kirk (aka Grandma Hilde- this is her name according to Memory Beta)- Jane Fonda  
> Kirk Prime- William Shatner
> 
> That's it for STID! Season 2 part 1 includes "Amok Time" (because I couldn't NOT do that episode, it's genuinely one of my favorites) and an original plot somewhat based on "The Enemy Within." See you tomorrow!


	5. Chapter 5

**2260.63**

Spock was acting... strangely.

That wasn’t actually all that weird in itself. Jim might have been smitten with the guy, but even he could admit that Spock was pretty odd by Human standards.

That’s not what this was, though. Spock was being weird even by  _ Spock  _ standards.

Exhibit A- he was being slightly emotional, which by Spock standards was basically reading pages from his diary to the entire crew and his mother. He’d been cursing under his breath- and forcing Jim to rediscover sexual frustration anew yet again- and he’d been...  _ twitchy.  _

Exhibit B- Bones, being the concerned CMO they all knew and lived in hypo-based fear of, had suggested that Spock report to sickbay for an examination. Spock’s reply, according to Bones, was, “You will cease to pry into my personal matters, Doctor, or I shall certainly break your neck.”

Which, if it hadn’t been directed at a dear friend and a fellow officer, Jim would have found  _ horribly  _ arousing.

And now, exhibit C- Chapel, who was apparently completely unable to take a hint, had brought Spock a bowl of plomeek soup. In response to this kind but horribly misguided gesture, Spock had yelled at her, literally thrown the bowl against the wall, and then tossed her out. Upon seeing Jim, he’d then requested shore leave on New Vulcan, refusing to elaborate further.

Which brought them to here and now, in Spock’s quarters.

“Alright, Spock, let’s have it. What’s been going on with you lately?”

“It is undignified for a woman to play servant to a man who is not hers.”

Jim blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“Uh, okay, a lot to unpack there. First, Chapel wasn’t playing servant, she was doing something nice for you, because apparently she has yet to realize that you and Sulu have more in common than being giant nerds-!”

_ “Captain.  _ Your  _ point?” _

“Well, point one is don’t be a sexist dick, Spock, come on. Two, what’s this about shore leave all of the sudden? We only got off the ground like, a week ago, and that was after a year-!”

“The reason behind my request does not matter, _sir.”_ Spock looked like he was about to fall apart. Or maybe ravish Jim, which was... well, it was doing something for him, even if it was probably just wishful thinking. “Do you permit it?”

“Spock, what’s going on with you? Last time we had shore leave, you were all like, ‘Vulcans don’t take vacations, we’re far too logical for such frivolities-!’”

“This is  _ not  _ a vacation, Jim. I have accumulated enough leave time, have I not?”

“Didn’t you take Alice over to New Vulcan a few months ago?”

“By my count, I still have over two weeks of leave time accumulated.”

“Okay, but that’s not really the point, Spock. Tell me what’s wrong, please?”

Spock looked... deeply uncomfortable, looking down as he took a seat at the desk in his quarters. He didn’t respond, so Jim sighed.

“Look, if... if something’s wrong with your mom-!”

“My mother is well, Captain. As is the Ambassador.”

“Oh. And you don’t talk to your brother, so...”

“It has nothing to do with my family, sir.”

Jim frowned, quirking an eyebrow.

“Well, since we’re headed for Altair VI, and since the shore facilities there are excellent-!”

“No!” Spock bellowed, bursting out of his chair and grabbing Jim by the shoulders. “I must-!”

He froze, the tips of his ears turning green, followed by the rest of his face. Jim felt his own cheeks heat up, swallowing hard as he looked into those dark eyes. 

Spock’s eyes flickered downward, and if Jim didn’t know better, he’d think he was looking at his lips, which had parted slightly without him noticing.

He resisted the urge to lick them, or bite them.

And to just plant one on Spock, that seemed like a  _ really  _ bad idea right now.

And all the time. It was never going to be the right time, no matter what his and Spock’s counterparts had done. 

Spock let go after a moment, clearing his throat and looking away. 

“I... I wish to take my leave on New Vulcan.”

Jim frowned, taking a step towards him.

“Spock, I’m asking you... what’s wrong? I’m... I’m worried about you.”

Something like desperation flashed in Spock’s eyes.

“I... I need rest, sir. I am asking you to accept that answer.”

Jim really didn’t believe that was it, but he also was pretty sure he wasn’t going to get a straight answer. Instead, he just sighed, walking over to the intercom and telling Chekov to set a new course for New Vulcan.

“Thank you, Captain,” Spock stated, looking almost heartbreakingly relieved.

“No problem, Spock.” He shrugged. “Guess even Vulcans aren’t indestructible, huh?”

Jim could have sworn he saw Spock smile ruefully as he left.

 

* * *

 

**2260.64**

Spock was in control.

He was  _ in control.  _ The fire would not overwhelm him yet. It may have taken him by surprise, being so early, but it would not take him.

He would handle this. Somehow.

He would not tell anyone. 

He would not tell Jim.

He would not grab Jim, pull him into his quarters, kiss him senseless before tossing him onto his bed and-!

Spock bit down on his lower lip  _ hard. _

No. This was not Jim’s problem. This was no one’s problem but his own, and T’Pring’s.

The only picture of her he had was from their bonding ceremony on Vulcan-that-was. She had been nine, and he had been seven. She did not like him, and he did not like her.

However, they were compatible. And so, they would marry.

Nevermind that all Spock wanted was Jim, to have and hold for the rest of his days, to cherish and support, to love and live with and share his bed with-!

The door buzzed, pulling him from his thoughts. He quickly switched the screen off before pressing the intercom button.

“Come in.”

It was perhaps tempting fate that Jim was the one at his door.

_ T’hy’la my heart my soul my everything need you mine mine MINE _

“... Captain.”

Jim gave him a long, hard look.

“Guess where I just was, Spock.”

“Considering that it is approximately 1500 hours, sir, I would guess that you were greeting Alice after she finished her classes for the day.”

“Nope. I was talking to Bones. He told me something... interesting.”

Spock was nearly too focused on the movement of Jim’s lips to comprehend that.

“Interesting, sir?”

“Yup. You, my friend, are  _ totally  _ out of whack body-wise. In fact, you’re wound up so tight, Bones is pretty sure that you’re gonna kick the bucket unless something is done. What is it?”

Spock swallowed thickly, willing his heart to slow in pace. He looked down at his lap, a layer of shame adding to his already chaotic emotional state.

“Is... is it something that only going to New Vulcan can fix for you?”

Spock didn’t look up at him, instead reaching for his PADD. 

“Spock, would you please look at me!”

Jim grabbed his wrist before Spock could retract it, his palm cupping Spock’s fist. 

His skin was... it was much warmer than Spock’s own. That, plus the waves of concern emanating from him, was almost enough to shatter his last ounce of self control; his hand shook as he tried to keep himself from pushing Jim to the wall and kissing him within an inch of his life.

“Spock...”

Spock swallowed once more, pulling his hand away while keeping his gaze on the ground. 

“... You’ve been called the best first officer in the ‘Fleet, Spock.”

“As I recall, the only one who has ever addressed me as such is Dr. McCoy.”

“That doesn’t mean it’s not true. Spock, come on, let... let me help you, or... if I have to lose you, I at least want to know why.”

Spock’s urges shifted once more- while the flames of desire still licked at him, now all Spock wanted to do was pull Jim into his arms and hold him close.

If this did not kill him, his emotional state very well might.

He stood, walking towards his bed and turning so that his back was to Jim.

“... It is a thing no outworlder may know, save for those few who have been involved.” If he had not been so... utterly embarrassed, Spock would have noted that it had been his mother, not his father, who explained the realities of his biology to him, including this. Having been a teacher prior to becoming a diplomat, she was more comfortable explaining things like this, although her frankness had been... disquieting. “A... A Vulcan understands, but... even we do not speak of it amongst ourselves. It... it is a deeply personal thing. Can’t you see that, Captain, and understand?”

“... No, I don’t understand, now explain. Consider that an order.”

There was absolutely no possibility for Spock not to blush at that.

“Captain, there are some things which transcend even the discipline of the service. _ ” _

“Think of it like this, Spock, I’ve got a half-Vulcan daughter who might go through this someday and I don’t want her to suffer.”

There were more than a few errors with that assumption, but Spock did not have the will to debate that point.

“I... I cannot...”

He heard Jim sigh, then suddenly felt his arm brush his. Spock went ramrod straight, refusing to look at his captain.

“Would it help if I told you that I’ll treat this as totally confidential? Seriously, I won’t even tell Bones... might have to tell Alice, but I’ll be as vague as I can be.”

Spock swallowed, then turned around, taking a step away from him.

“It... It has to do with... biology.”

“What?”

“... Biology.”

Jim was silent for a moment, then walked up next to him once more.

“What... what  _ kind  _ of biology-!”

_ “Vulcan  _ biology.”

“Y... You mean, uh... the biology of Vulcans?”

Spock nodded, his face feeling as though it were engulfed in flames.

“Biology as in... y’know... reproduction?”

He nodded once more, sure he’d never be able to look Jim in the eye ever again if he survived this  _ conversation, _ let alone his Time.

They were both silent for a good ten seconds. Spock found it too difficult to be more precise than that.

“W-Well, uh... no need to be embarrassed, Spock, it’s... it happens to everyone, right? Y’know, the birds and the bees-!”

“The birds and the bees are not Vulcans, Jim. If they were... if any creature as proudly logical as us were to have their logic ripped from them as this time does to us...” He swallowed, finally forcing himself to look at his captain. “How do Vulcans choose their mates?”

Jim had an... odd look on his face. He was also quite flushed.

“Uh. Um. What?”

“Haven’t you ever wondered?”

“I... logically, I guess?”

Spock wanted to laugh as he walked back to his chair and sat down, although he did not find that funny.

“No, sir. It is shrouded in secret, an ancient ritual done when we are children to... you have no conception as a Human. It... it strips our minds from us, brings a madness which rips aways our veneer of civilization. It is the  _ pon farr,  _ the Time of Mating.”

Jim’s face had become even more flushed, and his mouth was now hanging open. Spock resisted the urge to... to put his fingers in that welcoming, beautiful mouth, to order his captain to suck-!

He bit his lip, crossing his legs. That would be wrong. Jim did not want this. He could not want this, T’Pring would only put up with it out of obligation. 

“S... Spock... did... did this just sneak up on you or something?”

“I... it usually does not begin until one’s late thirties at the earliest. As I am only thirty, I had thought I still had time before I would have to... it is most likely a result of the, the decimation of my species. My Time has come early because we are near extinction, it is a matter of preserving our race.”

“But... aren’t you, y’know... infertile?”

Spock must have flinched, because Jim quickly attempted to retract that statement.

“N-No, I mean, not... just, if it’s a reproductive urge, and you can’t... y’know, then why are you going through it?”

“I am uncertain. One possibility is that the urge does not take infertility into account, as Vulcans go through it even at advanced ages. Another is that... that I am not infertile after all.”

“W-Well, uh, that’s... that’s great, isn’t it? You might be able to have little Spocklings after all!”

Spock’s lips twitched upward as he shook his head.

“It is still almost totally irrelevant, considering that I would normally be unlikely to enter a union that will bear children. But even then, I cannot... I cannot resist the ancient drives of my father’s race. I must go to New Vulcan, and... and take a wife.”

Spock now understood what McCoy meant when he said that he was able to hear the gears turning in Jim’s head.

“W... Wait, what?! But- but you’re gay!”

“Indeed.”

“But you’re going to take a wife?”

“I must.”

“But that  _ sucks!” _

Spock’s lips twitched upward.

“It is what I must do.”

“But- but Spock, that’s- that’s  _ awful!  _ For both you and whatever girl you have to, I don’t know, lead on-!”

“You misunderstand, Captain. In... in a sense, I am  _ already  _ married.”

“... Come again?”

“On Vulcan, when we are children, we participate in a... a bonding ceremony. This establishes a preliminary marital bond, which will be put in place upon the commencement of  _ pon farr.” _

“So, wait, your... your super logical society still practices  _ child marriage?” _

Spock flushed.

“We... we were not expected to... I was seven at the time, Jim, I did not have a choice in the matter.”

“Seven-! Christ on a bike, okay, this is  _ one  _ Vulcan tradition my daughter’s gonna have no part in, ya hear? Besides the fact that it’s  _ creepy,  _ Spock, it totally ignores a lot of important shit! Like, what if she’s a lesbian? Or asexual? Hell, maybe she’ll discover she’s actually a boy, or maybe she just won’t want to get married! Or married to whatever guy she gets set up with! All of this seems like it should have been taken into account first!”

“I will admit that... it is not the most logical practice, but it has persisted for millennia, and now, in this time of crisis, it is more important than ever that I... Jim. I must do this. I must go to New Vulcan and... and marry.”

Marry. Marriage.

Marriage to  _ T’Pring. _

Not to Jim. Not to his  _ t’hy’la,  _ the one person in the universe he truly wished to spend his life with.

“Spock...” He heard Jim swallow, then watched as he stood up. “Okay.”

Spock blinked.

“Captain?”

“I didn’t hear a word you just said, alright?” Jim smiled weakly. “Don’t worry, Spock, I... I’ll figure something out.”

_ Then stay. Stay, and let me love you in every way you deserve, even if I... _

Jim was gone before he could even think of saying any of that.

 

* * *

 

**2260.65**

“Jim, I can’t believe I’m saying this, but would ya cut it out with the sunscreen already? You smell like a coconut juice factory.”

Jim glared at Bones as he applied a little more sunscreen to his nose.

“New Vulcan is a desert planet, Bones. That means lots of sun, and the thing about Kirks is that we? We don’t tan. We _burn._ We burn like the whitest white bread left in the toaster too long.”

Spock cleared his throat as he stepped onto the transporter pad, giving them all a pointed look. Jim could see the fire burning in his eyes, just barely controlled now, but if they didn’t get down to the surface soon...

Jim shivered. He’d... he’d kind of like to see that, honestly.

Not that he ever would. Because Spock didn’t... he would never see him that way. He’d know by now if he did, because there was no way that Spock could have kept it from him, not when he was like this.

And now they were on their way to Spock’s wedding. To a woman he didn’t love, couldn’t love that way.

Man he wished he could punch his counterpart in the face for getting his hopes up.

“Captain?” Nyota called from the transporter pad. “Captain, it’s time.”

“Right, right...”

As Jim had expected, New Vulcan was hot as shit, as well as being extremely similar to the surface of Mars. They had to walk across a long bridge to get where they needed to go, and by the time they got there, Jim was about to soak through his shirt from sweat.

“Christ, now I know what they mean when they say ‘hot as Vulc-!’”

_ “Jim,”  _ Nyota chastised, glancing at Spock pointedly.

“Oh, uh, sorry, Spock.”

“It... it is of no consequence. In any case, this... this is the land allotted to my family here. It is smaller than our ancestral lands, but... it is ours.”

Jim decided it wasn’t in his best interest to point out that said land was just a circular arena-stye area with a big green gong thing in the middle.

“This is our place of  _ koonut kaliffee.” _

Spock didn’t translate, so he turned to Nyota.

“Uh, place of marriage or... something else? Marriage is a part of the Vulcan language they don’t really teach, Jim.”

“Oh.” Jim hesitated, then cleared his throat. “Hey, uh, Nyota?”

“Hm?”

“I’m... I’m not being an xenophobic dickbag if I don’t want Alice to go through with the whole bonding ceremony, right? I mean, I know it’s important to Vulcans, but...”

Nyota quirked an eyebrow.

“Shouldn’t you ask Spock that?”

“Yeah, he didn’t seem too thrilled about any of this, so he might not actually be all that objective here. I tried M’Benga, since he’s our resident non-Vulcan Vulcan expert, but he told me this was part of Vulcan culture he wasn’t allowed to witness.”

Nyota shrugged.

“Honestly? I think this is all kinds of weird, but I’m not a Vulcan. Knowing what I know about Alice, though, I’m gonna say you’re making a good call here. I can’t imagine her being thrilled about you deciding who’s she’s allowed to marry.”

“Yeah, I can’t imagine a scenario like that that doesn’t end with her kicking me in the shin-!”

A loud  _ clang  _ interrupted their conversation, and when Jim turned around he saw that Spock had hit the gong with a little hammer thing.

“The marriage party approaches,” Spock informed them. “I hear them.”

“I can’t believe that they’re making you do a whole ceremony first,” Bones commented. “In your state, you’re more likely to drop dead before getting through the-!”

Spock hit the gong again, and Jim finally realized that the weird jingling noise was getting closer. A group of oddly-dressed Vulcans entered the arena, and Jim’s eyes widened when he saw the old woman enter behind them, carried in a seat by two guards.

“Nyota,” he whispered excitedly, grabbing her arm, “Nyota, Nyota, it’s  _ her.” _

“I  _ know,  _ I can’t believe this!” 

“What?” Bones whispered. “Who is she?”

“She’s  _ T’Pau!”  _ Nyota explained in a hushed voice.

“Fucking  _ T’Pau,  _ Bones!”

“... and that’s exciting because?”

“Bones! She’s the only person  _ ever  _ to turn down a seat on the Federation Council!”

“And she’s the one officiating! Spock never told us his family was such a big deal!”

Bones scoffed, rolling his eyes.

“Right, you two are history nerds, how could I have forgotten?”

“Stuff it, Bones, this is the best day of my life!” Jim paused. “Well, besides the day I met Alice.”

Of course, Jim’s excitement couldn’t last- not once T’Pring entered the arena. She was... well, she was objectively beautiful, Jim supposed, but... Jim couldn’t shake how  _ wrong  _ she was for Spock.

Mostly because she was a  _ she _ at all.

The guards placed T’Pau on a little platform, and she raised her hand in the  _ ta’al.  _ Spock approached her, his own hand raised in the greeting, then kneeled in front of her, allowing her to touch his face.

Once Spock stood, T’Pau glanced over at them. Both Nyota and Jim went ramrod straight, and Nyota elbowed Bones to do the same.

“Spock, are our ceremonies for outworlders?”

“They are not outworlders. They are my friends, and Captain James T. Kirk is an honorary Vulcan citizen.”

“I am?” Jim asked. 

“Yes. You are Alice’s father and you share a parental bond with her, therefore you have honorary citizenship.”

“And you didn’t think to tell me this earlier?”

“It was not  _ relevant  _ earlier, sir.”

Jim wanted to argue the point, but Nyota put a hand on his shoulder and shook her head.

“I am permitted this,” Spock insisted. T’Pau looked at him for a moment, then gestured for them to come over.

Jim resisted the urge to squeal in joy, holding back a stupid grin as they stood in front of T’Pau.

“This is Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the USS Enterprise. He is father to Alice Georgina T’Vaakis Kirk, daughter of T’Vin, granddaughter of Chu’lak.”

“M... Ma’am.”

T’Pau stared at him for a good minute. He kind of felt like he was under a microscope.

Then she turned to Nyota.

“And thee are called?”

“Lieutenant Nyota Uhura, ma’am.”

“And thee?”

“Dr. Leonard McCoy, ma’am.”

T’Pau turned back to Spock, eyebrow arched.

“Thee names these outworlders friends. How does thee pledge their behavior?”

“With my life, T’Pau.”

Jim had to fight a grin at that, a warm, fuzzy feeling spreading in his chest.

“What they are about to see comes down from the time of the beginning without change. This is the Vulcan heart. This is the Vulcan soul. This is our way.” She reached out her hand.  _ “Kaliffarr.” _

Two of the guards started vigorously jingling some kind of chime-abacus combo. Spock grimaced at the sound, and Jim had to resist the urge to comfort him. Instead, he just watched as Spock walked over to the gong again, followed by T’Pring and the jingling guards. Before Spock could bang the gong, though, T’Pring raised her hand in front of it.

_ “Kahiffee!” _

The jingling stopped; everything stopped. Spock stared at T’Pring for a moment, then slowly walked back towards T’Pau. A guard with some kind of big spear stopped him, and Spock looked completely lost before he dropped his hammer thing and walked over to the side of the arena.

“What... what just happened? Is this part of the ceremony?”

“No. She chooses the challenge.”

“What, with him?” Bones asked, pointing at the guard.

“He acts only if cowardice is seen. She will choose her champion.”

Jim’s mouth fell open, and he looked to Spock, who was leaning up against the wall, fingers tented and brow furrowed.

“Spock-!”

“Do not attempt to speak at him, father of Alice. He is deep in the  _ plak tow,  _ the blood fever. He will not speak with thee again, until he has passed through what is to come. If thee wishes to depart, thee may leave now.”

“What? No, we’re staying!”

“Jim, if this blood fever thing-!”

“We’re  _ staying.” _

T’Pau looked almost impressed.

“Spock chose his friends well. Thy daughter is in the care of one well-prepared for her upbringing.”

Jim couldn’t help but grin.

“Well, I do my best.”

“Ma’am, I don’t understand. Are you trying to say that she rejected him, that she doesn’t want him?”

T’Pring, apparently, had terrible taste. Although considering that Spock wasn’t really into her, either, it was probably for the best.

“He will have to fight for her. It is her right. T’Pring, thee has chosen the  _ kaliffee,  _ the challenge. Is thou prepared to become the property of the victor?”

“I am prepared.”

Jim blinked, leaning over to Nyota a bit.

“Now, I’m a dude, so I might be off the mark here, but-!”

“If your current thoughts can be summed up as ‘yikes,’ then I agree.”

“Oh, good, not just me then.”

“Spock, does thee accept challenge, according to our laws and customs?”

Spock didn’t verbally answer, but T’Pau took his pained look as a yes.

“T’Pring, thee will chose thy champion.”

T’Pring didn’t respond for a moment, clasping her hands over her chest and walking towards them.

“As it was in the dawn of our days, as it is today, as it will be for all our tomorrows, I make my choice.” She pointed at Jim. “This one.”

Jim blinked, then pointed at himself.

“Uh... what?”

“Father of Alice. T’Pring is within her rights, but our laws and customs are not binding on thee, though thy daughter is Vulcan. Thee are free to decline, with no harm on thyself or on thy child.” She stood, and Jim helped her down, watching as she walked over to the gong.

“Well?” Nyota asked.

“Well, what?”

“Are you gonna do it?” Bones asked.

“What, fight Spock for a woman I just met? Does that not sound completely bonkers to you guys?”

“It’s their custom, Jim,” Bones pointed out.

“That doesn’t make it  _ right,  _ Leonard,” Nyota countered. 

“Yeah, but if Spock doesn’t get down and dirty with this lady, he’s gonna burn out!”

Jim hesitated, looking over at Spock and T’Pau. Spock had a desperate look on his face as he begged T’Pau not to allow this to happen, because Jim didn’t understand, and he couldn’t fight him, not for this. 

Jim’s heart fluttered, and he swallowed hard.

“Guys, I... I have a confession to make.”

Nyota and Bones looked at each other, then back at him. 

No running from it now. Jim took a deep breath.

“I... I think... I think I might be in love with Spock.”

They both blinked. Their expressions didn’t change.

“... and?” Bones prompted.

“Wh- what do you mean, and?”

“What’s the confession?” Nyota clarified.

“That- that  _ was  _ the confession, I just told you that I’m in love with my first officer!”

“Okay, yeah, but- wait, is... Jim, did you just realize this  _ now?” _

“Oh,  _ honey,”  _ Nyota breathed.

“I- don’t ‘honey’ me, how long have you known?!”

“Nibiru,” both of them answered.

“Though to be fair, I started suspecting something was up around the Horta incident,” Bones added.

“Corbomite incident for me,” Nyota clarified.

“Really?”

“He kept comming Spock with his shirt off, Len, it was a little-!”

“Okay!” Jim finally interrupted. “Okay, that’s- Nyota, seriously, how? I... I didn’t even realize it til after Kodos.”

Nyota gave him a look.

“Shirtless comming, Jim. Plus, you kept flirting with him. Like, a  _ lot.” _

Jim’s ears were burning for reasons that had nothing to do with the sun.

“Does- does anyone else know?”

“Sulu,” Nyota started.

“Chekov.”

“Carol.”

“Scotty thinks you’re  _ already  _ together. This might crush him.”

“Yeah. Oh, and Alice knows.”

_ “What?!” _

“Wait, you didn’t know she knows? Wow, I thought she’d be on your ass about this.”

Jim groaned, covering his face.

“My six-year-old daughter knows I’ve got a thing for my first officer. Am... am I  _ that  _ obvious?”

Bones snorted.

“Not obvious enough for  _ him  _ to know. Which, by the way, if you’d told him, we might not be in this mess.”

Jim blinked.

“What?”

Both Nyota and Bones looked at him incredulously.

“Oh my god,” Nyota groaned.

“Seriously, Jim? He’s spent the last week looking like he wants to  _ eat  _ you.”

“B-Because he’s in heat! He’d probably screw  _ Keenser _ if Keenser were okay with it!”

“I don’t think that’s how this-!”

“Father of Alice. Hast thou made thy decision?”

Jim swallowed, glancing at Bones and Nyota once more before stepping up.

“What... what happens if I say no?”

“Another champion will be selected. It is thy choice, Captain.”

He swallowed once more, looking at Spock. His first officer looked like he might fall apart any minute now, wincing when the jingling was close to his ears. If Jim could just knock him out without hurting him too badly...

“Okay. I’ll do it.”

And hopefully, he’d do it without coming in his pants like a teenager- he’d seen how Vulcans fought.

Of course, then T’Pau informed him that this would be a fight to the death.

“B-But, but, but... I can’t kill  _ Spock!” _

“The challenge was given, and lawfully accepted. It has begun. Let no one interfere.”

A guard handed Jim a spear-thing, and they were off; Spock all but  _ charged  _ at him with his own spear.

And god, Jim wished that was as sexual as it sounded.

He’d underestimated Spock’s capabilities, it turned out- Jim’s shirt became a casualty within two minutes of the start of the fight. His first officer was barely recognizable now, an animal moving on pure instinct, unable to feel anything but rage and need.

Jim really hated his masochistic streak at the moment. Quite frankly a boner was the  _ last  _ thing he needed right now.

Bones managed to throw Spock off his game by yelling at him, giving Jim a chance to avoid getting his head cut off and kick him back. T’Pau put a stop to the fight, chastising Bones for his interference. 

Jim was just glad for the chance to catch his breath and... adjust himself. He really hoped that, if he and Spock both somehow made it out of this, Spock wouldn’t remember the fact that Jim had spent the vast majority of their fight hard as a rock.

“You’re gonna have to kill him, Jim,” Bones informed him before sticking something in his arm.

“Ow! What was that for?”

“It’s a triox compound to help you breathe, dumbass. Listen, you have to kill Spock, or else he’s gonna kill you.”

“I’m pretty sure Spock  _ not  _ dying was the point of all of this!”

“It’s the only way! Now be careful!”

“Oh, great medical advice, Bones!” Jim called as he walked away, slowly getting to his feet. The guards came and gave both him and Spock these white ribbons, and seconds later Jim found himself on his back. He somehow managed to get Spock to pull him back up, tossing him to the ground.

One blur of motion later, they were wrestling in the dirt, which was  _ not  _ helpful for Jim’s stupidly aroused dick.

What was even  _ worse  _ was that Jim was about eight-nine percent sure that he wasn’t the only one with that issue here. There was almost definitely something poking into his thigh every time he managed to pin or be pinned by Spock. Weirder still, it felt like something was boiling in his gut and making heat lick at his brain, sorta like he'd assumed Spock must have been feeling, and it was... kinda making him dizzy.

Actually, that might not have been Spock. He’d been feeling a little dizzy since Bones stuck him with whatever the fuck was in that hypo. 

Now was really not the time for a nap, but... well, maybe if he just closed his eyes...

Spock was actually kind of soft. It might be... nice to fall asleep on top of him...

 

* * *

 

Jim was gone.

His  _ t’hy’la  _ was gone,  _ again,  _ and it was his fault this time.

It was his fault, he’d lost control and lost himself, and now... now Jim was...

“Spock, would you just wait for half a minute and listen-!”

“There is nothing to listen to, Doctor. I shall be resigning my commission immediately and turning myself into the authorities.”

“Spock, I-!”

“I would appreciate if you would handle contacting the captain’s family about handling his... arrangements. I... I do not believe I would be able to-!”

The doors to the medbay opened.

“Uncle Bones? Mr. Spock?”

Spock’s stomach lurched, a cold sensation flowing through him as he turned to look at Alice. 

“Where’s Daddy? He didn’t come see me after my classes ended.”

Guilt threatened to eat Spock alive as he walked over to- to the daughter of the man he’d killed, a child who was as precious to him as his own child would be, and kneeled down.

“I... Alice...” He swallowed, unable to look her in the eyes. “I am deeply sorry, I... your father is gone.”

Alice blinked, then tilted her head.

“No he’s not.”

Spock blinked, then felt his heart sink.

“Alice, I know that this is... that this must be difficult, after what happened last year, but I am certain that your father is no longer-!”

“Mr. Spock, Daddy’s right over there,” Alice interrupted, pointing at the door to the infirmary. “He’s waiting behind the door to try and... Daddy, why are you trying to surprise Mr. Spock? It’s not his birthday.”

Before Spock could speak again, the door to the infirmary opened.

“Aw, buttercup, you spoiled my fun!”

Spock’s heart stopped. 

“C... Captain...?”

Jim grinned at him sheepishly.

“Ah-heh. Sorry, Spock, I just... I never get to get the drop on you like this, so I kinda wanted to see if I could pop out at-!”

_ “Jim!” _

Spock did not realize he had stood up. Nor did he realize that he was running. One moment, he was kneeling by Alice’s side, and the next...

The next moment, he had wrapped his arms around Jim’s waist and lifted him into the air, spinning him around joyously.

He was  _ laughing,  _ and  _ smiling,  _ and just so overwhelmingly  _ relieved  _ and  _ happy  _ and... and...

And Alice, McCoy, and Chapel were all still in the room. They were all...  _ grinning. _

Spock’s ears and cheeks began to burn as he placed the captain safely on the ground, releasing his grip on him and clearing his throat. 

“I’m... pleased... to see you, Captain. You seem... uninjured. I am at something of a loss to understand it however.”

Jim’s face was rather pink, most likely from being spun around. He was grinning as he glanced at McCoy.

“Blame Bones. That was no triox compound he shot me with, it was some sort of neuro paralyzer.” Jim crossed his arms. “Which, by the way, why do you  _ have  _ that?”

“Have you met you? Better safe than sorry, kid.”

“Well, whatever. It knocked me out, simulated death. Believe me, I wasn’t in on the whole, ‘fake my death’ thing, and I’m a little miffed because I may never be able to really talk to T’Pau, which  _ sucks.” _

“In... Indeed.”

“Ah, Nurse, would you mind, please?”

Chapel nodded, smiling at Spock once more before guiding Alice out of the medbay.

“Spock, what happened down there?” McCoy asked. “T’Pring? The wedding?”

“Ah. Well.” Spock cleared his throat. “It was most interesting. During the flames of my  _ pon farr,  _ I deeply desired her. Once I... once I believed I had killed the captain, though, that desire was gone. Somehow, I ended my  _ pon farr  _ through combat.”

This may have only been partially true. That fight had pushed Jim and himself into extremely close physical proximity, and, well... it had been a very close thing that Spock did not...

He blushed, clearing his throat. The captain and the good doctor did not necessarily need to know that.

There was a call on the intercom, and Uhura informed them that Starfleet had allowed Spock to go to New Vulcan after all, thanks to a request made by T’Pau.

“Huh. Y’know, I forgot all about that. Well, whatever. Chekov, lay in a course for Altair VI. Leave orbit when ready. Kirk out.”

“There’s just one more thing, Mr. Spock,” McCoy started, eyebrow arched knowingly. “Now, you can’t tell me that when you realized Jim was alive you didn’t feel anything. I thought you were about to bring the house down with that little emotional scene!”

Spock fought another blush.

“It... it was merely leftover emotional exhaustion from my Time combined with my relief at the captain being alive that caused that, doctor. He is a highly proficient captain, after all, it would be a great loss to Starfleet if he were to perish.”

And an even greater loss to Spock.

Jim’s eyes were twinkling with amusement.

“Yes, Mr. Spock, I understand.”

“Thank you, Captain.”

McCoy rolled his eyes.

“Course, Spock, your reaction was totally logical.”

“Indeed,” Spock confirmed as he started to walk away.

“... In a pig’s eye!”

Jim began laughing as they left the medbay, shaking his head. They looked at each other for a moment. Spock was unsure of what to say.

Well. That was partially untrue. He knew what he  _ wanted  _ to say.

_ I love you. I cherish thee. My t’hy’la, be mine, always. _

He did not say that, though.

“So, uh... you’d probably better go rest, huh? I mean, you’ve had a hell of a day.”

“You have also, sir. Perhaps you ought to rest yourself.”

Jim rolled his eyes, then cleared his throat.

“So, uh... now that you’re, y’know, more clear-headed...”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Captain?”

“Just... just Jim right now, please. Look, I know you said you don’t discuss it with outworlders, but you  _ also  _ said that I’m  _ technically  _ a Vulcan citizen, and since Alice might go through it one day...”

Spock did not blush.

Much.

“Jim, while I understand your concern, there are some differences between Alice and I. For one, since she was assigned female at birth, her Time will most likely come much later in life, around age forty-five if we take into account her Humanity. In addition, it may only come a few times, rather than every seven years as is the case with cisgender Vulcan males.”

“What about transgender Vulcans?”

“While there are some who medically transition from one binary gender to the other, because of the...  _ secrecy  _ surrounding  _ pon farr  _ there is not very much data on how that affects our cycles overall. As for those who do not medically transition, there is still little data, but I would assume the rates are similar to cisgender Vulcans. As far as I can tell, it seems mainly based on biological sex.”

“Huh. Neat.” Jim blinked, then frowned. “Wait, you mean you’re gonna have to do this  _ again  _ in seven years?”

“And every seven years for the rest of my life.”

“So I have to wrestle you in the dirt every seven years?”

Spock held back a flush, trying not to remember the sensation of Jim’s body on his, or how much more he could do to him in private, in his bed-!

“Spock?”

Spock blinked, then cleared his throat, his ears burning.

“I do not... I do not believe that will be necessary, Captain. The challenge was a result of T’Pring not wanting to be bonded to me, which, to be frank, I understand.”

“Aw, Spock, come on, you’re great! She doesn’t know what she’s missing.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward as Jim followed him into the turbolift.

“Thank you, sir, but I had meant that I did not wish to be bonded to her either. I had been dreading this event since the onset of puberty, if I am honest.”

“Really? Then why didn’t you try to break it off?”

“I could not. Once the bond is in place, the only way to break it is through the  _ kaliffee,  _ which can only be done when the bond is about to be solidified.”

“Geez...” Jim muttered as they exited the turbolift. “Spock, I know I’m coming at this as an outsider, but honestly? This whole thing kinda seems... antiquated.”

“It is the way it has been done since before Surak.”

“Okay, but after Surak, you got rid of  _ war.” _

“This is true, but... well, not even Vulcans are able to resist biological urges, I suppose. The system made sense back then.”

Jim shrugged as he came to a stop.

“Well, I can’t say that I think it makes sense now. I’m just glad that you’re okay.”

_ I am thanks to you. Come inside, so I may properly show you my gratitude. _

“I am glad to be past it,” Spock said instead as he entered the code for his quarters. “And... I am thankful that you helped me through this, Jim.”

To his surprise, the captain blushed before he started chuckling nervously, rubbing the back of his neck.

“W-Well, yeah, I mean, what friends for if... if they won’t wrestle you in the dirt to help you get rid of ancient mating urges, I guess.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward, a little too close to a smile for his liking.

Well. Normally, in any case.

“Indeed. Good evening, Jim.”

Jim smiled warmly, and Spock’s heartbeat spiked.

“Get some rest, Spock. I think you’ve earned it.”

Spock nodded, then entered his quarters.

“Computer, initiate total lockdown, emergency and medical override only.”

_ “Lockdown initiated.” _

Spock sighed, then stripped out of his uniform top and boots as he made his way over to his bed, collapsing onto it while still in his undershirt and regulation pants. The only movement he made was with his feet, using his toes to peel off his socks.

Jim had not been wrong when he said that Spock was sure to require rest. For Vulcans, the first  _ pon farr  _ was the most exhausting, physically, mentally, and emotionally. 

Of course, for Spock, the issue was expounded because he did not have a mate to help him through it. One’s bondmate was meant to assist in both the treatment of  _ pon farr  _ and the aftermath, after all.

But Spock had no bondmate. His betrothed had not wished to be with him, nor he with her, and his  _ t’hy’la... _

Spock grimaced, gripping at his pillow. Now that his  _ pon farr  _ had ended, there was no reason that he should not inform Jim what he truly was to him. That he should not tell him that he meant  _ everything  _ to him.

Or, rather, there was one reason: Spock was a coward. He was afraid that Jim would not want him as well, that he would be rejected by the man he loved. He was afraid that he would lose Jim completely, not to death but to disgust, and he... he found that to be a worse fate than the pain of loving him from afar.

Spock sighed, rolling onto his side and curling up a bit. 

Thinking about this was not going to help. He needed to rest now.

He would feel better after he... slept for a period of time....

...

_ Jim was once again on top of him, straddling his hips. As it had been on New Vulcan, there was heat and want and something hard and insistent brushing up against him. _

_ However, this time, they were not on New Vulcan, grappling in the dirt in front of their friends, Spock’s betrothed, and a respected member of Vulcan society. Instead, they were in Spock’s quarters, tangled in soft sheets with the lights dimmed to twenty percent. _

_ They were also quite naked. _

_ “Ah... god,  _ Spock...”

_ Jim was not choking this time. He was, however, panting quite heavily, his face and chest flushed red as he moved up and down, bouncing on... Spock was  _ inside...

_ Jim slowed in his movements, clenching around Spock and gasping breathlessly. Spock’s hips stuttered upward involuntarily, and he heard a high-pitched whine, flushing in embarrassment when he realized it had come from him. _

_ Jim grinned, leaning down and kissing him as he took Spock’s hand. _

_ “S... S’okay, Spock, don’t... don’t hold back on me now...” _

_ “I...”  _

_ Jim clenched again, wrenching a moan from Spock’s throat.  _

_ “Wanna hear it, wanna know you feel good, love you so, so much, come on, baby-!” _

_ Spock  _ growled,  _ grabbing Jim by the hips and flipping them over. He nuzzled Jim’s throat, kissing his Adam’s apple before thrusting into him  _ hard.  _ Jim gasped, locking his legs around Spock’s waist and wrapping his arms around his neck. _

_ “Oh,  _ fuck,  _ Spock, th-that’s, that’s  _ perfect-!”

_ Spock kissed him gently, then deeper as he moved within Jim faster. _

_“Ashayam,”_ _he whispered. “Ashayam,_ _dearest one, k’hat’n’dlawa,_ _my t’hy’la,_ _I... I love you...”_

_ Perhaps it was un-Vulcan of him to admit such a thing aloud, but Jim didn't seem to mind- in fact, it seemed to spur him on further, as he moaned and reached in between them to touch himself.  _

_ “God, god, I love you too, you’re perfect, I wanna be with you forever, oh... S-Spock, I, I’m gonna come, please,  _ please!”

_ A fire was building up low in Spock’s frame, and there was a tightness between his legs he’d never before experienced but instinctively knew what it meant, what was about to happen. He whimpered, drawing back out of Jim, only for his partner to push him back in with his legs. _

_ “No, stay, I wanna... wanna come with you inside...” _

_ Spock cried out, the heat in his belly nearly unbearable. _

_ “J-Jim, if... if I do not... if you achieve orgasm while I am still inside, I, I do not think I will be able to-!” _

_ Jim leaned up, kissing him again. _

_ “S’okay, sweetheart, you... you can let go, it’s okay. Don’t... don’t hold back, not with me.” _

_ Spock was... he wanted to... and Jim was smiling so invitingly... he was almost-! _

Spock awoke to find himself rubbing up against a pillow. His penis was harder than he could ever remember it being, and he was still balancing on the edge of climax.

He bit his lip, shifting carefully as not to set himself off. He was aroused to the point that it was nearly painful, and the urge to take himself in hand was... quite overwhelming.

The issue, however, was that... well. 

It was that, in thirty years of life, he had never actually masturbated before.

Spock knew that there was nothing inherently  _ wrong  _ about pleasuring oneself occasionally- his mother had been quite clear about that in the seemingly endless lecture she’d given him about sex- but it was... he had never seen a logical reason to do so. Sexual arousal could easily be willed away through meditation, and, well, he had never found himself in a similar situation with another person. Thus, his only experiences with orgasm were in the context of... nocturnal emissions, which he only knew because he’d woken up at the tail end of one, since Vulcans did not ejaculate outside of penetrative sex or through extensive stimulation of the prostate.

His length twitched against the pillow, and Spock shivered, tightening his legs around it. He wanted... he  _ needed  _ to...

_ “S’okay, sweetheart, you... you can let go, it’s okay.” _

And oh, how Spock wanted to hear those words from the real Jim. 

He bit his lip, then took a breath.

Just this once. 

If it was just this once, then...

He swallowed, then reached into his pants and gripped himself around the base. This simple act had an immediate effect, making him thrust up into his hand. It felt as though an electric current was running through him, getting even stronger as he began to stroke himself. After a moment, he realized that the moans he heard were coming from him, and he quickly moved the pillow in front of his mouth to muffle the sounds.

Spock couldn’t help but wonder if... if Jim would moan the way he did in Spock’s dream. If he would say that he loved him, smile and tell him not to hold back, if he would let Spock reach climax inside-!

His thumb brushed the underside of his lower ridge, and Spock was done for; the rush of endorphins exploded low in his frame and overwhelmed his entire being, making him shake and scream into the pillow as he rocked against his hand.

It lasted for what seemed to be an eternity, and yet still Spock felt as though it ended far too soon. He was... he could not fathom how he’d managed to go so long without that... that amazing sensation, this warm afterglow...

He was rather glad that Vulcans did not ejaculate outside of copulation, as he was not sure he had the energy to clean up any fluids. He did not even have the energy to tuck himself back into his pants, instead curling up with the pillow and drifting back into sleep without another thought.

 

* * *

 

**2260.66**

Jim awoke, as he had many times in the past year or so, to a cold, sticky mess in his boxer shorts. He cursed under his breath, glad that his quarters had been converted for a family and Alice now had her own room. 

Jim sighed, grimacing through discomfort as he made his way over to the bathroom. He knew Spock was usually up by now, and he really,  _ really  _ hoped he wasn’t in the bathroom, because Jim desperately needed a shower.

“Spock?” He asked, knocking on the door. “Spock, you in there?”

No response. Jim frowned, pressing his ear against the door.

Silence.

“Huh. Must have gotten an earlier start than usual,” Jim murmured as he walked into the bathroom, turning on the lights and stripping out of his shirt and soiled underwear. He tossed the shirt into the hamper, then quickly rinsed the boxers off in the sink before tossing them in as well. 

He couldn’t hear anything on the other side of the door to Spock’s quarters.

“Must have gotten a  _ really  _ early start,” Jim commented before getting into the shower.

It was kind of weird, though. He’d had that particular dream a million times before, but it was different this time.

Mainly, in that Dream Spock had never needed assurance about coming inside him before. Or been embarrassed about making noise, although that  _ was  _ pretty damn cute. Plus, he'd never said a bunch of stuff in Vulcan- probably because Jim didn't speak much Vulcan, now that Spock and Nyota had taken over Alice learning the language.

He’d never said that he loved Jim before, either. Or any of that other mushy stuff, although apparently Jim was more into it than he thought he’d be, cause it  _ did things  _ for him.

Weird. Maybe his subconscious just needed a little more variety.

Well, whatever. It was just a stupid, inappropriate wet dream about his first officer. Whom he was madly in love with.

Admittedly, it was nice to hear Dream Spock say it, since the chances of Real Spock ever saying it were about as likely as Scotty saying a negative thing about the Enterprise, or Bones revealing just where the hell he kept his secret bourbon stash.

But still. Nice.

So nice, in fact, that he almost didn’t notice that Spock was five minutes late to Alpha shift.

He definitely noticed how Spock blushed and stumbled over an explanation when Nyota asked him about it, though.

Weird. Maybe it was some left over effect from his  _ pon farr. _

 

* * *

 

**2260.92**

Jim was honestly starting to get what Bones had against the transporter. Sure, it was a wondrous, extremely convenient piece of technology that had enabled Starfleet to save billions on landing gear for starships, plus, y’know, no having to find a place to park it on some planet or the other, but it  _ did  _ have its downsides.

Like that time he’d been split into good and evil halves. 

Or the time he, Nyota, Scotty, and Bones all got switched with their mirror universe counterparts and Jim’s had scared the hell out of his daughter, whom he was very glad did not exist in the mirror universe if he was understanding the role of Vulcans there correctly.

And now, this. Here he was, standing in front of the transporter after yet another accident, wondering how Scotty might take it if they never used the damn thing ever again.

Because this time? This time, they’d ended up with  _ two Spocks. _

Now, Jim was humble enough to admit that, yes, he’d had this dream before. However, that dream had been pretty disturbing, since it involved his Spock and the mirror universe Spock who may or may not have been a Vulcan host to a goatee creature, cause that thing did  _ not  _ look real.

This was nothing like that dream. 

On his left stood what appeared to be his first officer in his normal state. Pointed ears, greenish complexion, adorably dorky bowl cut, upturned eyebrows, the works. However, upon closer inspection, there was a key difference- his eyes. Instead of being their usual chocolate color, they were darker, almost black like most of the full Vulcans he’d met, and there wasn’t any emotion in them, which, contrary to popular belief, was not the case with Spock normally.

On his right stood... well, a Human. His hair was the same color as regular Spock’s, but it was wavy, bordering on  _ curly,  _ and a little longer. He wasn’t quite as pale as Spock, and his complexion, like most Humans, was pink, although that might have been because he was blushing for some reason. His ears were round, although they  _ did  _ stick out a little, and his eyebrows followed the shape of his eyes instead of being upturned. On first glance, he looked nothing like Spock, but upon closer inspection, there was one key similarity- his eyes. Spock’s chocolate brown eyes, glittering with emotion.

That emotion, by the way, was most definitely  _ flustered.  _ Quite frankly, Human Spock looked like the personification of the word “gosh.”

He also looked like he was about to panic, which wasn’t a look he thought he’d ever see on his XO outside of like, impending war with the Klingons. Or Romulans. Or both, in some kind of weird “enemies of the Federation” all-star team-up.

“Okay,” Jim finally started. “Okay. So. You guys know who you are, right?”

“I am Commander S’Chn T’Gai Spock, first officer and chief science officer of the USS Enterprise,” Vulcan Spock answered smoothly. 

“I, uh. I’m C... Commander Suh... Sochi... oh, wow, that really  _ is  _ hard to pronounce for Humans. Um. I’m, well, I’m also Commander Spock. Somehow.” Human Spock looked over at his Vulcan counterpart, quirking an eyebrow. “Fascinating.”

Okay. So the fascinating thing came from the Human half. That was unexpected.

“Alright. And who am I?”

“You are Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise,” Vulcan Spock replied. “You are in command of this vessel during this five year mission.”

“You’re Jim,” Human Spock answered, smiling just a little. “You’re... you’re my friend.”

Jim couldn’t help but grin at Human Spock, then turned to Vulcan Spock with a frown and a raised eyebrow. 

“Am I not  _ your  _ friend?”

“Friendship is an illogical concept. You are my commanding officer, and I respect you and your abilities.”

“D... Do I sound like that all the time?” Human Spock asked, looking a little nervous.

“No,” Jim assured him at the same time that Scotty said “yeah, pretty much.”

“Oh, um... s-sorry...” Human Spock mumbled, looking down at his feet. 

Jim turned, giving Scotty a look.

“What?”

“Maybe don’t make the poor guy feel bad right now? He  _ was  _ just split in half!”

“My Human counterpart does not need to be coddled, Captain. As we are both Spock, we are both thirty years of age, and should be treated as such.”

“It’s not coddling, Spock, it’s-!”

“Jim, it’s... it’s fine, um. I’m fine.” Human Spock smiled weakly. “H-He’s right, I... I don’t need to be babied. Besides, there’s really no arguing with him when he gets like this.”

“I am being logical. There is no point in arguing with me, as I am in the right.”

Human Spock looked away, muttering something under his breath.

“Would you care to repeat that?”

Human Spock flinched.

“N-No...”

Well. Looks like Spock’s intimidating nature was all Vulcan. Human Spock didn’t seem to have the courage to argue with  _ himself. _

Jim sighed, looking at Scotty again.

“Alright, do you have the formula you used to put me back together when I got split?”

“Well, yes, sir, but uh, the console’s fried at the moment.”

Jim bit back a groan.

“Okay, well, when will it be fixed?”

“Well, that depends.”

“On what?”

Scotty held up one of the scorched key components of the console’s mainframe.

“On how close the nearest starbase is so I can pick up a new one of these.”

Jim blinked, then groaned out loud.

 

* * *

 

Bones sighed as he walked out of the exam room, going to his desk and digging in a drawer.

“How’s it going?” Jim asked, getting out of his chair.

“Well, M’Benga’s still examining the hobgoblin’s goblin half, but if he’s getting results like I’m getting with the non-goblin, then he’s gonna find a perfectly healthy thirty-year-old male Vulcan, although I have a suspicion about one thing. His blood is a match for our Spock’s DNA, but he’s one-hundred percent Human. Even has his heart in his chest instead of his side. Course, I doubt M’Benga’s dealing with a patient who won’t sit still.”

Jim blinked.

“Spock? Fidgeting? I can’t imagine that.”

“Oh, it’s nothing big. Just... he keeps tapping his fingers against the exam table and bouncing his leg. Don’t think he even knows he’s doing it. Ah, there it is.”

Bones pulled out a chart and started walking back toward the exam room.

“Alright, Mr. Spock, now this is the last test I’m gonna perform.”

“Does it involve more needles? Because if so, no thanks.”

Bones actually  _ laughed  _ at that- at something  _ Spock  _ had said!

_ Captain’s log, supplemental- my chief medical officer just laughed at something my first officer said, with no sarcasm involved whatsoever. This may be a sign of the end of the universe. _

“No, it’s just an eyesight test,” Bones explained as he closed the door.

A few seconds later, it opened again, revealing a much less amused Bones.

“He wants you in here, kid.”

Jim blinked.

“Me? Why?”

“Because I don’t trust him not to stick a needle in my eye!” He heard Spock call.

Jim blinked, then snickered as he walked into the exam room.

“Yeah, good call.”

“Don’t encourage him!” Bones chided as he set up what turned out to be one of those charts at the eye doctor’s office.

“Why do you have a LogMAR chart?” Spock asked.

Right, Jim totally knew that was what it was called.

“Just following a hunch.” Bones pointed to the top row. “Now, read off the letters here, wouldja?”

“D S R K N.”

“Right. Next row.”

“C K Z O H.”

“And the next one.”

“O... N... uh... R... K... D?”

Jim frowned, looking back at Spock. He’d started squinting a little, his lips pressed in a line.

“Right. Next row?”

“... um... K... S... V... P... C.”

Jim glanced at the chart. The row Spock had just read off was “K Z V D C.”

“Next.”

“I... V? Then, er, Z, T, S, Q.”

It was actually “V S H Z O.”

“Next line.”

“H... maybe R?” Spock had started fidgeting, looking super uncomfortable. “I... I can’t tell, I’m sorry.”

“Welp, looks like I was right. Congrats, non-goblin, turns out that you’re nearsighted.”

Spock blinked, then tilted his head slightly.

“N... Non-goblin? I don’t... oh!” Spock’s face lit up, and Jim’s heart skipped a beat. “Oh, I get it, because you call me hobgoblin, but I’m a Human now, so... wait, what would that make my counterpart? Is he just a goblin? I don’t think he’d... um.”

Spock wilted suddenly, and it was almost unsettling how a thirty-year-old, six-foot-two man could look so small.

“S-Sorry, I’m... I’m rambling. Sorry.”

Jim looked over at Bones, who just shrugged. 

“The psych scan results haven’t come back yet, I don’t know what to tell you.”

Spock mumbled something that sounded like “I’m not crazy, jerkbutt.”

Jim bit back a snort, then smiled at Spock.

“It’s fine, Spock... geez, it’s gonna get kinda confusing calling both you and the other one Spock, though.”

Spock hesitated, then swallowed.

“Um, well... if, if it makes things easier, you... you could call me Grayson.”

Jim blinked.

“Grayson?”

Spock blushed.

“W-Well, just, um... when I was trying to pass for Human in 1930, that was the name I used... right?”

Jim blinked again, then smiled.

“Oh, yeah, I... honestly, I kinda forgot about that. Well, if that’s what you wanna do, then I don’t see any reason not to.”

Spock- Grayson looked back up at him, smiling gently. Jim smiled back.

Then someone cleared their throat, and Jim turned to find the Vulcan Spock- well, just Spock, he guessed.

“Oh, hey, Spock. So it turns out that you’re nearsighted.”

“Interesting.” Spock did not look very interested. Instead, he was looking at his Human self, an odd look in his eyes. He heard Grayson whimper, and when he looked back at him he’d wilted into himself again.

“Well, Grayson, til we can get you back together, you’re gonna have to wear these,” Bones told him as he handed him a pair of round glasses.

“Huh? Why?”

“Well, because otherwise you’re liable to walk right into a wall, and I don’t wanna perform any kinda outpatient surgery on you in case it does something to you when you’re back to normal.”

Grayson pursed his lips, then put on the glasses, blinking as his eyes adjusted.

Jim’s own eyes widened as he started to blush.

“Uh... how do I look?”

Goddamn  _ adorable, _ that was how he looked. Jim wasn’t sure if he wanted to smooch his forehead and wrap him up in a fluffy blanket, or drag him into a closet and suck his cock til he screamed. 

Of course, he couldn’t  _ say  _ that. Partially because Bones would probably hypo him half to death in response, and partially because poor Grayson might very well blush so hard he melted.

And also because Grayson was still Spock, and Spock didn’t feel that way about him.

Instead, Jim cleared his throat and smiled warmly at him.

“You look great, Grayson. Bet you’ll catch the eye of all the cute boys.”

Grayson turned bright red, stuttering and fidgeting nervously. 

So much for not making the poor guy melt.

“Captain.”

“Hm? Yeah, what’s up, Sp-!” Jim blinked as he turned around, realizing just how close his first officer was standing behind him. “Uh, hi? Personal space is a thing, Spock.” 

“Captain, I believe that it would be pertinent to decide how our duties will be shared between Grayson and myself until we are able to be reunited,” Spock replied after taking a step back.

“Oh, yeah. Uh, well, I guess since we only need one first officer on the bridge at a time... hm. How about you take today’s Alpha shift while Grayson goes to the science lab, then switch off until things are back to normal?”

“That will be satisfactory, sir.”

“Y-Yeah, that sounds great!” Grayson was grinning again, his leg bouncing a little. “I’m right in the middle of this  _ fascinating  _ analysis on the orchid-like plants Sulu brought back from Xerneon V, it turns out that when watered, they absorb only the hydrogen elements and hold the oxygen in pods. I haven’t figured out what those are for yet, but I think it might a way to attract... pollinators...” 

Grayson suddenly blushed again  hunching over and looking at his feet.

“Um, I, uh... s-sorry, I’m rambling again...”

Jim quirked an eyebrow.

“Dude, it’s fine. Actually, I kind of like seeing you all enthusiastic like this.” Jim smiled. “It’s a refreshing change from the norm, y’know?”

Grayson was blushing again, but he smiled after a moment. Then he blushed even more, his eyes going wide.

“Uh!”

Jim blinked, then turned around again, starting when he saw how close Spock was to him yet again.

“Okay, seriously, Spock,  _ personal space.” _

Spock had a hard look in eyes as he stepped back, saying nothing. Jim rolled his eyes as he walked out of the exam room, Bones following him. He heard Grayson hiss something along the lines of “what is  _ wrong  _ with you,” although he couldn’t hear Spock’s probably all-too-logical response.

Man. Human Spock might be all kinds of adorable, but Vulcan Spock was just...  _ confusing.  _

“Hi, Daddy!” Alice greeted as Jim exited the bay, flanked by the two Spocks. “Hi, Mr. Spock! Hi, person I don’t...”

She blinked, then tilted her head and squinted. 

“Wait, are... are you Mr. Spock too, Mr. Human?”

Grayson still looked nervous, but clearly couldn’t help but smile at her.

“Well, uh... yeah. Yeah, I am.”

“Huh. Are you from a parallel universe? I don’t think the other Mr. Spock is.”

Grayson chuckled, shaking his head.

“No, I’m not, Alice. I’m the Spock from this universe, and, uh,” Grayson cleared his throat, gesturing at his counterpart, “Well, so is he.”

Alice stared at them owlishly.

“I don’t get it.”

“I am Spock, and so is he,” Spock explained evenly. “However, I am fully Vulcan, and he is fully Human. Due to a transporter incident, the regular, half-Human half-Vulcan Spock was split into us, his two halves.”

“Oh.” Alice grinned. “Neat! Nice to meet you, Mr. Vulcan and Mr. Human!”

“Uh, Alice, that’s not actually-!” Grayson started.

“Alice, it’s time to get back to class,” Lt. Farrows called.

“Okay! Bye, Daddy and Mr. Vulcan and Mr. Human!”

Alice ran off, leaving Jim and Grayson chuckling. Grayson’s eyes were shining with affection, and even Spock looked vaguely fond.

At least they had that much in common- they both cared about Alice.

Hopefully that would keep them from killing each other.

 

* * *

 

**2260.94**

As it turned out, unless they wanted to burn out a massive amount of power, the nearest base where they could find the replacement part Scotty needed was about a week and a half away at warp three.

Which meant that for the next week, there were two Spocks. 

Neither of whom, Jim discovered, were as productive as the regular Spock. Vulcan Spock was a fine officer, but as it turned out, Spock’s tendency to debate Jim came from that side. If he so much as asked Yeoman Rand to bring him another cup of coffee, Spock would be on him with a “Captain, you have already consumed approximately two point six five cups of coffee in the past three point two hours. If you do not wait a period of time before consuming more caffeine, you may impair your ability to sit still for the rest of Alpha shift.”

And that was just coffee, which was nothing compared to the row they’d had over Jim’s decision not to push the warp core any harder to get to the base faster. Spock had insisted that the logical decision was to go at warp seven, which would get them there in two days instead of a week and a half. Jim had pointed out that they’d already blown out the transporter and it was dangerous to risk the engines, but Spock in turn argued that the loss of the transporter was even more reason to get there faster.

It was only the fourth time Jim had ever had to completely seriously pull rank on Spock, but it did shut him up.

Grayson, on the other hand, didn’t question his orders. However, he had issues of his own as an XO- mainly, that he was super high-strung. Unlike both Vulcan and regular Spock, Grayson seemed to  _ hate  _ arguing, even in a joking manner, and never dared to speak up against Jim, even when he could tell the guy didn’t agree with him. He’d managed to coax Grayson into telling him his ideas a few times, and he’d been right on most of them, but since the poor guy looked like he might vomit every time he did, he didn’t push the matter too often.

That wasn’t the only difference between the two, of course. Spock was always still and poised when he was at his station, whereas Grayson tended to hunch over a bit in his seat, bouncing his leg or tapping his fingers on the desk. Spock also seemed more at home on the bridge, while Grayson was much happier in the science labs.  

There was also one other, somewhat surprising thing- metaphorical language. Jim had always assumed that Spock’s thing about metaphors was a Vulcan thing, but to his surprise, that wasn’t the case.

“Captain, shall I contact the lab to inquire into the matter of the spore network?”

“Sure, Spock, knock yourself out.”

“Aye, sir.”

Jim blinked, quirking an eyebrow as he turned to Spock.

“What, that’s it? No questioning the logic of rendering yourself unconscious?”

“I am aware that the phrase ‘knock yourself out’ does not literally mean to render yourself unconscious, Captain. It is a Human colloquialism used to mean ‘go ahead.’”

Jim blinked again, frowning.

“Well, alright, but usually you would...” Jim trailed off, something occurring to him.

“Captain?”

“Uh, nevermind.”

Odd. If it wasn’t Spock’s Vulcan half that was weird about figurative language, then...

Jim got out of his chair.

“Y’know what, Spock, belay that order. I think I’ll go check on it myself.”

“Sir, why-?”

“You have the conn, Mr. Spock,” Jim said as he stepped into the lift before he could stop him.

Grayson was in the science lab, as Jim had expected. 

What he didn’t expect was that he’d be off in his own little world as he played around with the spores, a pair of vintage, bulky headphones on his ears. He was drumming his fingers against the desk to a beat that Jim didn’t quite recognize. 

And he was  _ smiling. _

The sight may have very well killed a lesser man with how goddamn cute it was. It was coming pretty close to offing Jim, since it came on the heels of seeing both Spock and Grayson interacting with Alice at breakfast this morning. They interacted differently with her, both in comparison to each other and to the regular Spock, but it was clear that they both loved her just as much as the regular Spock did, whether it was Spock’s gentle correction of her Vulcan grammar or Grayson listening to her talk about whatever she’d just learned in school with an encouraging grin.

He had been so stupid to think he couldn’t love Spock anymore than he already did. God, he had it  _ bad  _ for him. And now that there were two Spocks, well...

Bones had told him it was impossible to die from being so damn full of affection, but he was starting to doubt that.

“Hey, Grayson,” Jim greeted.

Grayson didn’t respond, still absorbed with his spores. Jim cleared his throat, taking a step toward the other man.

“Grayson,” he tried again.

Still no response. Another step closer, and now he was within arm’s reach of him.

“Mr. Grayson.”

Still off in his own little world. It seemed that Jim was going to have to take more drastic measures.

So he reached out and poked his shoulder.

“Commander Gray-!”

Grayson yelped as he jumped about half a foot in the air, accidentally unplugging his headphones and nearly knocking over the container with the spores in it, although he managed to catch and stabilize it before anything spilled out.

“Geez, I’m sorry! I didn’t mean to startle you, Grayson.”

Grayson’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed thickly, a flush spreading over his cheeks and ears. 

“I, um, uh, I... s-sorry, were you trying to get my attention?”

“Well, yeah, but I didn’t mean to scare you like that. Was your music that loud?”

Grayson flushed even more, fiddling with his glasses a bit.

“Um, well, n-no, I just... I was preoccupied. Sorry...”

“Hey, no, it’s not a big deal, don’t...” Jim paused, then smiled a little. “Don’t beat yourself up about it.”

Grayson blinked.

“Why would I try to hurt myself over this? I mean, I’m not even sure how I’d go about doing that, since my brain would instinctively try to keep me from, from punching myself in the face or something.”

Jim blinked.

“Huh. So it  _ is  _ from your Human side.”

Grayson blinked, then quirked an eyebrow.

“Jim?”

“Oh, uh, it’s, it’s nothing, Grayson, just... well, I noticed something. When you’re, y’know, your normal self, you tend to question the logistics of metaphorical and figurative language. Now, I’d always thought it was a Vulcan thing, but when I told your Vulcan counterpart to ‘knock himself out’ earlier, he just went about his business without asking.”

Grayson blinked once more, then blushed, looking away as he started drumming his fingers against the table. 

“I, um, uh...” He looked terribly nervous, and Jim realized that he might be giving him the wrong idea.

“Oh, no, it’s not... it’s not a  _ bad  _ thing, Grayson, I just.. It’s interesting, that’s all.” Jim smiled. “Y’know, this whole thing has been pretty weird, but I’m learning a lot of new stuff about you because of it, so... I think it’s kinda worth it. Don’t you?”

Grayson blushed again, but gave him a teeny-tiny smile.

Jim’s stomach did somersaults. 

Really, a thirty-year-old man shouldn’t be allowed to be so goddamn  _ cute.  _ It was bad for Jim’s heart.

“What?” Grayson asked as he plugged his headphones back in.

“Huh?”

“You’re staring at me. Do... do I have something on my face?”

Jim blinked, then blushed a little, clearing his throat.

“Uh, um, no, I just... uh... what are you listening to?”

Grayson blinked, stopping before he could put on his headphones again, although Jim could hear music coming out of them.

He was also blushing again. Jim was a little worried about his blood pressure.

“Uh, I... it’s, it’s, I mean... I-I don’t think you’d really like it-!”

“Hey, I’ll be the judge of that.” He held out his hand. “Let me take a listen?”

Grayson swallowed hard, then silently took a step toward him, slowly putting the headphones on Jim’s head. Immediately, electronic sounds filled his ears, buzzy beats and synthesized melodies bouncing around in his head.

Jim blinked, quirking an eyebrow as he looked at Grayson, who blushed in response before pausing the music.

“Told you,” he muttered.

“Hey, no, no!” Jim protested as he took the headphones off. “It’s not... I just never expected you to be into house music, that’s all!”

That seemed to just make Grayson blush even more.

“I... I know it’s weird, I just... I find it calming, that’s all.”

“It’s not  _ weird,  _ Grayson, it’s just not what I was expecting. I didn’t think you’d like such, uh... peppy stuff.”

Grayson was still blushing, but he finally looked at Jim again, arching an eyebrow.

“What were you expecting?”

Jim shrugged.

“Beethoven, I guess?”

Grayson snorted, then covered his mouth, his shoulders shaking as he tried to hold back laughter.

“What? What’s so funny?”

Grayson shook his head, clearly still trying to collect himself and succeeding after a moment.

“S-Sorry, I just... I, um, well. I’m not used to... to being emotional like this.”

Jim blinked, then smiled.

“Well, I guess it would be a little overwhelming to have more emotions than usual, right?”

Grayson shook his head again.

“That’s, that’s not exactly it... I wouldn’t say my emotions are stronger than usual, just that, that I’m not used to being unable to... to control them. Normally, I can stop myself from laughing like that, but now...”

Jim frowned.

“Is that such a bad thing? I mean, right now, you’re only Human, and Humans need to express their emotions in order to be healthy.”

To his surprise, Grayson smiled ruefully, shaking his head.

“I don’t think he sees it that way.”

Before Jim could ask him what he meant, Jim’s comm went off- Nyota was all but begging him to come back to the bridge before Spock and Sulu started brawling, which would mean that Chekov would probably cry, and then Rand would yell at everyone, including Jim, who very much did not want to be yelled at by Rand again, because she was  _ mean. _

“Seems like your other half’s not much of a people person, is he?”

Grayson blinked.

“Jim, if I had a boyfriend, I would have told you by now.”

“Huh? What are you-?” Jim paused, then snorted. “No, Grayson, I mean your  _ literal  _ other half. The Vulcan?”

Grayson blinked again, then blushed and looked at his feet.

“O-Oh, well... um. Sorry.”

“It’s fine, dude, don’t worry about it.” He smiled as he started walking toward the door. “I’ll let you get back to playing with your spores. Have fun!”

“Ah, um, Jim?”

Jim paused, turning back to Grayson, who was looking at his feet.

“Yeah?”

“I, um, I just...” Grayson looked up and gave him a tiny smile. “I’m... I’m glad we’re friends. I just wanted to tell you that.”

Jim blinked, then smiled, trying not to feel a little disappointed at the use of the word  _ friend. _

Because that was what they were. And friendship was  _ great.  _ He liked having friends, and he liked being friends with Spock.

Even if he might have liked to be something else.

But being friends was great. He would be happy being just friends with Spock.

“Yeah, I’m glad we’re friends too.”

And if he kept telling himself that, he’d eventually believe it.

He hoped.

 

* * *

 

**2260.101**

It was  _ agonizing  _ being on the bridge. It was too bright, there were so many people moving and talking and it was just. Too. Loud.

Grayson grimaced as he hunched over in his chair, glancing up at the chronometer.

1037 hours. Just under an hour and a half until Alpha shift ended. The other Spock had Beta shift duty today, so he’d have their quarters to himself. 

He’d have some quiet. Just... quiet.

Then an alarm went off.

“Mr. Grayson, status report!”

“I, uh, um.” Grayson’s tongue felt too big for his mouth, his heart beating erratically as he looked at the alert. “It... it appears that the, um, the warp core is experiencing some overheating issues, s-sir.”

Jim cursed under his breath.

“Okay, well, Mr. Sulu, take us out of warp before the damn thing explodes on us. And Mr. Grayson, please turn off that alarm.”

Grayson sighed, reaching to turn off the alarm.

Which didn’t work. The shrill sound continued, ringing in his ears as he fiddled with the controls.

“Mr. Grayson, the alarm.”

“I-I know, Captain, it’s... I’m trying to...” Grayson bit his lip, pulling up the coding for the alarm system to try and turn it off that way. His head was getting fuzzy, and even the sound of his own fingers on the keyboard was beginning to irritate him. 

People were whispering, the timbre of their voices buzzing in his ears. He grit his teeth, hunching in on himself even more.

“Grayson-!”

“I am  _ working on it,  _ Jim!”

“Excuse me?”

Shit. That had been too sharp, hadn’t it? He hadn’t meant for it to be, he was just so tired and there was so much sound, and... 

Grayson cleared his throat, trying to ignore how his ears were burning.

“I-I apologize, sir, I’m... I’m working on it, please be patient.”

After a moment, Grayson  _ did  _ manage to get the damn thing turned off, but he’d ended up burning through a good chunk of energy and even more on edge than he’d been beforehand. 

1053 hours. Dammit. Maybe he could sneak off to the bathroom soon so he could take a breath and make it through Alpha shift without crying-!

“Grayson?”

Jim was standing behind him. Shit.

Maybe he was just mad about the insubordination and wouldn’t mention how out of character it was for him. Maybe he hadn’t even noticed.

“I... I apologize for my insubordination, sir, it, it won’t happen again.”

“Insubordin- I’m not  _ mad,  _ Grayson, I’m worried about you. You don’t usually snap like that, are you feeling okay?”

Oh, god, he’d noticed. 

“I-I am fine, Captain, just... it’s nothing.”

“Doesn’t seem fine. You seem tense.”

Grayson knew, logically, that Jim was just trying to help, because that was the kind of person Jim was.

But he also really did not have the energy for conversation right now, and he knew that Jim was drawing attention to it, which was the  _ last  _ thing Grayson wanted.

“I’m- I’m fine, really. You, you don’t have to worry about me.”

“Grayson, come on, it’s clear that  _ something’s  _ up with you.” 

_ Yes and it’s that you won’t leave me alone! _

That was what Grayson wanted to say. But he couldn’t, because Jim was his superior officer and his good friend, and, of course, secretly his  _ fucking soulmate. _

“No, I’m fine. Really, I am.”

“Grayson... look, just let me help you-!”

Jim put a hand on his shoulder, and Grayson just  _ couldn’t take it anymore. _

_ “Don’t touch me,”  _ he snarled, all but slapping Jim’s hand away. “Just  _ leave me the fuck alone  _ for  _ five minutes!” _

“Wh- Mr. Grayson, I hate to pull rank, but I am your  _ superior officer-!” _

“Then act like my superior officer instead of my friend and  _ don’t fucking touch me!”  _ Grayson shouted, turning in his chair to glare at Jim. “You are  _ not  _ helping, okay?! I don’t need you to baby me, I need some fucking peace and quiet so I can... so I can...”

Jim was staring at him. So was Uhura, and Chekov, and Sulu, and  _ everyone else on the bridge. _

Grayson’s heart was pounding in his head, his face hot and his throat tight.

He... he’d just yelled at his superior officer. In the middle of Alpha shift. On the bridge. In front of  _ everyone. _

Oh god. What had he done?

_ What had he done? _

It was ruined. Jim... Jim was staring at him with those beautiful blue eyes, and he didn’t understand why Grayson had snapped at him like that, and he must  _ hate  _ him now, and everyone else would hate him too, and, and...

And he’d ruined everything.  _ Again. _

“G... Grayson?” Jim started after a moment, his voice so soft and gentle, as if Grayson deserved that much. “Grayson, are you okay?”

“I...” His eyes were burning. There was no way he was going to stop himself from bursting into tears now, he needed to get out of here before he started crying like a big baby.

So that’s what he did. He heard his chair topple over and clatter to the floor as he ran out of the bridge, keeping his eyes down and somehow managing to get into the turbolift all alone.

He was pretty sure Jim and Uhura had both been calling after him, but he couldn’t... he couldn’t face them. Not right now.

His Vulcan counterpart was in their quarters when he got there, doing some paperwork.

“Oh, come  _ on,  _ don’t you do  _ anything  _ but work?!” He snapped, glaring at him.

The better him. The perfect Vulcan, the one that everyone wanted, the one he  _ should  _ have been.

The one who didn't understand why they couldn't tell Jim how they felt about him.

“What are you doing here? Alpha shift has not-!”

Grayson groaned- the last thing he wanted was to get into another argument with his counterpart, since it always ended up being about how they couldn't confess to Jim, because then Jim would know and he would  _ hate  _ them (“he would not hate us, Jim clearly cares for us, and it is logical to inform him that he is our  _ t’hy’la”). _

“Take over my shift if it bugs you so much, just-!” He grit his teeth, racing over to the bathroom. “Just leave me alone!”

Grayson let the door slam, ordering the computer to initiate lockdown before stepping into the shower fully clothed. He didn’t turn it on- just leaned against the wall, slowly letting himself slide down until he was sitting. 

Quiet. It was  _ finally  _ quiet. 

In. Out. 

In. Out.

The fuzziness in his head slowly abated, and he sighed, letting the back of his head hit the tile. 

He wasn’t entirely sure when he’d started crying, but at least it had been silent this time. Not like the last time this had happened- god, was that really twenty-four years ago now? He’d been six, so it must have been.

Twenty-four years, and the thing that pushed him over the edge was a flaw in an alarm’s programming and a touch from a caring friend. 

Not just a caring friend, his  _ soulmate. _

More tears burned in his eyes. 

He was such an  _ idiot.  _ How could Jim ever want him now that he knew what a mess he was? He was thirty fucking years old, and he’d just thrown a bigger tantrum than his captain’s six year old daughter ever had in the two years he’d known the two of them.

_ Useless. Worthless. Stupid, stupid, stupid. It would be better if I didn’t exist. Everyone would like Spock more if he were just a Vulcan, instead of having to put up with pitiful, disgusting me-! _

“Grayson?”

Grayson startled, knocking his head against the tile. He couldn’t help but groan and wince at the pain, touching the back of his head gingerly.

“Grayson, it’s Jim. Could you please unlock the bathroom for me?”

Grayson swallowed hard, staggering to his feet.

“I’m, I’m sorry, I’ll... I’ll leave, I just... I didn’t want to talk to my other half, b-but if you need to use the, um, the bathroom-!”

“Wh- no, that’s not- I don’t need to use the bathroom, I just want to talk to you. You don’t need to leave the bathroom if you don’t want to.”

He swallowed again, sitting back down on the shower floor.

“If... if it’s all the same, sir, y-you can reprimand me in my quarters in, in just a minute, I... I just need to collect myself and-!”

“Grayson. I’m not talking to you as your captain, I’m talking to you as your friend who’s worried about you. Please, just let me in.” He heard Jim swallow. “Let... let me help, okay?”

Grayson bit his lip, his heart stuttering in his chest.

Then he sighed.

“Computer, disable lockdown.”

_ “Lockdown disabled.” _

The door to Jim’s quarters opened a minute later. Grayson couldn’t force himself to look at him, instead curling in on himself and burying his face in his knees. He heard Jim’s footsteps get closer, then stop a few feet away from him prior to a soft thud- Jim sitting down outside the shower.

“... Whatcha doin’ in there?” He asked after a moment, his voice still gentle.

“... Needed to be away from people, and the other me was in our quarters, so I... I just hid in the bathroom.”

“Okay, but why the shower?”

“I’unno.” Grayson swallowed the lump in his throat. “... sorry I yelled at you. Wasn’t your fault.”

He heard Jim sigh.

“Grayson... look, do you... do you think you can tell me what’s wrong? Why did you get so upset on the bridge?”

“... I don’t like being on the bridge.”

“... You’re my first officer.”

“I know, but... when, when I’m whole, I’m better at... it’s okay, because I’m better at tuning everything out.” Grayson shifted slightly, tangling his hands in his hair. “When... when I’m like this, I can’t tune it out, I can’t  _ handle  _ it, it hurts and I get so tired and... and you saw what happens...”

“I... Grayson, just what is it that you have to tune out?”

_ “Everything,”  _ he murmured. “Everything, I... it’s light, and sound, and voices, and... when I’m on the bridge, there’s just too much and I can’t... I can’t  _ think.  _ All of it just fills up my head and there’s no room for anything else. When I’m normal, I can handle it, because... because that’s what Vulcans  _ do,  _ we handle our emotions and we learn to cope with everything being too much, but I... I can’t handle it. Not by myself, I... I need the other me, or else I’m just...”

“You’re just...?”

Grayson laughed humorlessly.

“A mess. Pitiful. Disgusting. Worthless. I’m the one who ruins  _ everything,  _ Jim, I’m the one who- who can’t control himself. You’ve seen the other me, he’s... he’s  _ perfect.  _ He’s in perfect control of himself, he doesn’t get overwhelmed by a fucking alarm, doesn’t- doesn’t yell at his captain when he’s just trying to help-!”

“Grayson, stop. Breathe, okay? You need to breathe.”

Jim was, unsurprisingly, right about that. Grayson took a few shaky breaths, swallowing hard and sniffling.

“S... Sorry...”

“Grayson, listen, you’re... you’re not pitiful, or disgusting, or worthless. And your other self is  _ not  _ perfect. Trust me, the guy debates me every chance he gets, over the most  _ trivial  _ crap too. Plus, he scares the shit out of Chekov.” Jim hesitated, and Grayson heard him scoot a little closer. “Honestly? I think he’d be lost without you. Sure, he’s got logic, and well, you’ve never had to develop coping mechanisms for... whatever this is because of him, but you’re the one that trusts my judgement, the one who’s fun to talk to and spend time with. And if you didn’t exist? Then neither would the Spock who’s my best friend.”

Grayson’s eyes were stinging again, and he finally turned his head to look at Jim through blurry eyes. Jim had been smiling, but the smile fell once he saw Grayson’s face, replaced by concern.

“H-Hey, why are you crying now? Did, did I say something wrong?”

Grayson couldn’t help but laugh as he sat up, shaking his head and pulling off his glasses to wipe at his eyes. 

“N-No, you, you’re fine, that... that was really nice, I... I don’t know why I’m crying right now...”

Jim huffed out a little laugh.

“Yeah, that happens sometimes. You feeling any better?”

He sniffed, brushing his bangs out of his eyes before putting his glasses back on.

“I... I’m not sure. I don’t... I know you were trying to help, but I don’t feel any less awful about myself, even if I’m glad that you don’t think I’m awful.”

“Well, yeah, one conversation isn’t gonna undo... how long have you felt this way about yourself?”

Grayson flinched, swallowing hard and and turning to look at his knees again.

“I... do you remember the, um, the jingling things at the  _ koonut kaliffee?” _

“Yeah, you... well, uh, while you were going through  _ pon farr,  _ you kept flinching whenever you heard them.”

Grayson blushed a bit, trying hard not to think about the outcome of the ceremony, both in the sense of thinking he’d killed Jim and the... wrestling.

“When... when I was six, a cousin of my father’s went through the ceremony, and... normally, the ceremony is a bit larger, with members from both sides of the family in attendance, so we went, and... the jingling was so  _ loud.  _ It felt like it was rattling around in my head, and it  _ hurt,  _ it hurt so much, and I... well... I started crying.”

Even after twenty-four years, it was still one of the most humiliating events in his life. He’d interrupted the whole ceremony, and both Michael and his mother had been so worried, and his father had looked at him with such  _ disdain... _

“I... I couldn’t stop crying, and eventually my mother had to carry me out, and I... I didn’t know how to explain it, it just hurt and my head was fuzzy...” Grayson leaned forward so that his forehead was resting on his thighs. “And even if I’d been able to explain what was wrong, everyone... everyone else took it as proof of how  _ inferior  _ I was, because I couldn’t control myself, couldn’t control my emotions.”

“That’s... you were  _ six,  _ what were they expecting?”

“Most Vulcans begin training to control their emotions when they’re five, as I did. At that point, I’d already had a whole year of training, but I still... I still couldn’t...”

“Grayson...”

“I figured... I figured that it was probably because of my Human side- because of  _ me.  _ I... I didn’t want people to stare at me like that, whisper about me behind my back even more than they already did, so... so I threw myself into my Vulcanness. I suppressed every Human reaction, learned to tune everything out when it was too much, and always be still, silent,  _ good.  _ Everytime I failed, I... I hated being Human even more.” He swallowed. “Because if I’m Human, then I’m... I’m worthless. A burden that ruins  _ everything.” _

“Oh,  _ Spock.” _

Grayson blinked, turning to ask Jim why he’d called him by the other Spock’s name before realizing that Jim had pretty much scooted into the shower with him. Thus, the only thing that came out of his mouth was “um.”

“Spock, listen to me. You’re not a burden, alright? Especially not because of something that, and this is the important part here, you  _ literally can’t help.  _ You’re my friend, and you’re a good person, so... stop insulting my friend, okay?”

Grayson swallowed, his eyes misty again as he flushed.

“I... um. I don’t... I don’t think the shower is built to contain two grown men who are six feet or taller...”

“Eh? Oh!” Jim smiled sheepishly, scooting back out of the shower and standing up. He offered Grayson his hand, and it took him a minute to remember that he was not a Vulcan at the moment and therefore touching hands didn’t hold the same connotations for him.

An illicit thrill still ran through him when he took his hand, though.

“Um...” Grayson swallowed, gripping the crook of his right elbow with his left hand. “Are... are you going to tell Starfleet about... about what happened on the bridge?”

“No, I don’t think they really need to know about that, do they? I mean, I’m not gonna tell them about how your other half and Sulu nearly got in a damn fistfight, either. But, uh, Grayson?”

He didn’t comment on the fact that Jim was using the name “Grayson” again.

“Yeah?”

“I want you to spend the rest of the week in the science labs, okay?”

Grayson blinked, then frowned.

“Y... You don’t have to do that, it’s not that big of a-!”

“Grayson, you got so overstimulated that you flipped out on me. Besides, I think the other you likes being on the bridge more than being in the labs. Also, once you’re back together, I want you to talk to Bones about your, uh... self esteem issues.”

He blinked again.

“Why would I do that?”

“Because Bones is a trained psychologist.”

Grayson felt a draining sensation in his face.

“I-! I don’t need a-!”

“Grayson, I promise. Nothing you tell Bones will be reported to Starfleet, and you need to talk to  _ someone.  _ Someone who isn’t me, cause I’ve got my own issues and it would probably just end up with one or both of us getting drunk. Which, to be fair, is usually how time spent with Bones usually ends for me, but Bones isn’t my counselor.”

“I...” Grayson swallowed again, then nodded. “O... Okay. I’ll... I’ll give it a shot.”

JIm smiled at him, and Grayson’s heart skipped a beat.

“Now, let’s get out of this bathroom, okay? You were right, it really wasn’t made for two grown men six feet or taller in height.”

Grayson smiled and nodded, overwhelmingly glad that Jim still liked him even after he found out what a mess he really was.

Maybe his Vulcan counterpart had a point after all.

 

* * *

 

**2260.106**

Spock was sitting on his butt when he finally fused back together. His eyes were closed, and his brow was furrowed as if he were in pain.

“Spock?” Jim started, taking a careful step towards him. “Spock, are... are you okay?”

Spock grunted, then held up one hand and raised the other to his temple.

“Just... just a moment, sir, I... I believe my mind is attempting to reconcile the memories of my... my halves.”

Jim sighed in relief.

“Yeah, you’re fine. Good to have you back, Spock.”

After a moment, Spock looked up at him, his lips quirking in the way that Jim knew meant he was smiling mentally.

“It is good to be back, Jim.”

Jim’s heart did another somersault, and he cleared his throat, motioning for Spock to stand up.

“Well, uh, come on, then, Bones said he wanted to check you out once you were back together.”

“Ah, right...” Spock cleared his own throat as he stood, then winced.

“What? What’s wrong?”

“It... I seem to have a headache for some reason. Perhaps it is my memory...”

Jim pursed his lips, then turned and point at a sign with small print on the other side of the transporter room.

“Spock, can you read that sign over there for me?”

Spock blinked, then squinted again.

“I... I do not believe I can, no.”

“Yup. Thought so.” Jim took Grayson’s glasses out of his pocket and handed them to Spock. “Here, I think you might need these.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Jim, while my human half may have required the use of glasses while personified, I have never required-!”

“He’s a part of you, Spock, and you need to remember that, alright? And right now, I want you to wear the glasses and avoid walking into walls.”

“The likelihood that I would walk into a wall due to myopia is-!”

“Spock, just put on the damn glasses.”

Spock’s eye twitched, but he sighed, taking the glasses from Jim and putting them on.

“Are you satisfied, Captain?”

It took a moment for Jim to comprehend the question. “Satisfied” wasn’t quite the right word for it. In fact, it wasn’t even close- Jim was barely containing the urge to drag Spock off to some supply closet somewhere and suck his cock til he screamed, which, now that he thought about it, was the same reaction he'd had to Grayson in those glasses.

Great. So it turned out he had a glasses kink now, wonderful. 

“Captain?”

Jim blinked, then blushed and cleared his throat, trying to ignore the sneaking suspicion that Spock-with-glasses would be making an appearance in Jim’s dreams sooner or later.

“Y-Yeah, um, great. R-Report to the medbay, alright?”

Spock quirked an eyebrow, but thankfully didn’t argue with the order, instead bidding him farewell and leaving the transporter bay.

And leaving Jim to think of nuns. The oldest, meanest nuns ever. 

Seriously, Spock made him feel like a teenager again in more ways than one.

 

* * *

 

For the second time in a week, a glasses-wearing Spock was in the bathroom when Jim opened the door. 

Of course, this time it was an accident, rather than him trying to figure out what was going on with his friend, but still.

“Whoops, sorry, Spock. Didn’t know you were still in here.”

Spock didn’t respond right away, first turning off his toothbrush and spitting into the sink.

“It is of no consequence, Jim. If you need to use the restroom-!”

“No, uh, just need to brush my teeth. Do you mind?”

“I do not.”

Jim smiled, then swallowed, walking over to the sink and grabbing his own toothbrush. Spock had resumed brushing his own teeth, and it was... kinda funny to see him with a toothbrush in his mouth, honestly.

Though, if he was being completely honest, the sheer domesticity of the whole “sharing the sink while brushing your teeth” thing was... well, Jim was getting the warm and fuzzies, that was for sure.

“So, uh...” Jim started as he put toothpaste on the bristles. “Still wearing the glasses, huh?”

Spock turned, giving him a pointed look as he moved the brush to the other side of his mouth.

“Oh, uh, right, can’t talk with your mouth full. Sorry.”

Jim started brushing his own teeth after that, and they fell into a companionable silence that was only broken by the sound of two buzzing brushes. Spock finished brushing his teeth only a few seconds before Jim’s own brush turned off, and he motioned for him to stay and talk before rinsing his mouth out.

“So, the glasses?”

“Dr. McCoy believes that my eyesight functioning at a lower capacity than usual may be a side of effect of my halves being recombined. He would prefer not to perform corrective outpatient surgery just yet, as it may return to normal on its own.”

“Oh. Cool.”

“I suppose.”

Jim frowned, quirking an eyebrow.

“Everything else alright, Spock?”

“... my physical health is above average for both a Vulcan and a Human man my age.”

Jim’s frown deepened- that sounded like some old-fashioned Vulcan loophole usage.

“And, uh, how’s your non-physical health?”

Jim could’ve sworn that he saw Spock flinch. That must have been it.

“I... that is to say, it is...”

“You don’t have to tell me if you don’t want to, y’know. But, well, you’ve put up with a lot of my... quirks, and I’m... we’re friends, so I’d be happy to listen.”

Spock hesitated, glancing at Jim out of the corner of his eye before sighing.

“I... I was given the results from the psychological scans Dr. McCoy performed on my personified halves when I went in for the examination.”

Jim blinked.

“Oh, uh... is... is it good news, or...?”

“The results of my Vulcan side’s scan showed the brain chemistry of a neurotypical Vulcan male.”

The results for the Vulcan. So the results for the Human...

“What about Grayson?”

Spock’s lips twitched upward.

“If you are referring to the personification of my Human half, then... the analysis of his brain chemistry showed that he most likely had an anxiety disorder, as well as depression.”

“Oh. Well, honestly, that’s not all that surprising, Spock. The guy looked like he was going to puke every time I coaxed him into telling me an idea he had that went against mine.” Jim paused. “You don’t feel like you’re gonna puke every time you disagree with me, do you?”

Another upward twitch.

“If I did, I would avoid disagreeing with you at all costs. However... the anxiety disorder and depression were not the only noteworthy results from the scan.”

“They weren’t?”

“No. According to Dr. McCoy, in addition to the anxiety disorder, the personification of my Human half was... he was most likely on the autism spectrum.”

Jim blinked again, raising his eyebrows.

“Wait, he... really?”

“Yes. Upon reviewing the... the incident on the bridge involving him becoming overstimulated, I have concluded that he was experiencing sensory overload. In addition, he would often fidget and stir in times of stress or high emotion, which I believe to have been instances of self-stimulation as a form of comforting himself.” Spock hesitated for a moment. “I... I remember doing similar things when I was a young child. It... it was looked down on by my peers and elders, including my father, which is why I no longer exhibit such behavior.”

Jim swallowed, turning to look at the mirror. Spock was expressionless, but he could see something swirling in his eyes- tension, regret, nerves.

Fear.

He swallowed again.

“So... do you think that, since he’s a part of you, that... that you’re autistic too?”

“Dr. McCoy performed another psychological scan, though the results will not be available for at least one point eight two days. However, I... I have reviewed my life experiences, and... after speaking to my mother, I believe that I most likely am.”

“You talked to your mother about this?”

“There is evidence that there is a genetic component to autism, so it was logical to inquire if my mother knew of any family members who were also diagnosed with the disorder. As it turns out, her brother is autistic as well.” Spock grimaced. “However, this course of action, as well as my subsequent disclosure of my findings and suspicions, had an unintended effect- my mother became... guilty that she did not think to have me tested for it, even after the incident that occurred when I was six.”

Jim blinked, then pressed his lips into a tight line. Amanda Grayson seemed like a great mom and a wonderful woman, but even so...

“Why... why would she feel guilty about that?”

“According to her, because I did not know as a child, I was unable to form healthy coping mechanisms.” Spock turned to him, eyebrow quirked and something like the beginnings of rage in burning in those chocolate-colored eyes. “It was not, as you may be assuming, because she would want to change anything about me.”

Jim flinched, clearing his throat and rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly.

“S... Sorry, I just... I know we’ve come a long way since the days of that one organization with the puzzle pieces, but... well, some people are dicks.”

“Indeed, however my mother is not one of those people.” He paused for a moment, then looked over at Jim, his lips quirked upward just enough for it to count as a smile. “But... thank you for your concern, in any case.”

And there went Jim’s heart again, doing somersaults. 

“Of course, Spock.” Jim frowned. “Hey, you’re... you’re okay with all of this, right? I know it’s probably kinda... I dunno,  _ strange  _ to learn something that big about yourself all of a sudden.”

“I am... if I am being entirely honest, it is somewhat... odd. I am already thirty years of age, yet I did not know this about myself until today. However, I believe that I will become used to the idea in time, as it is not as though anything has truly changed other than I now know about it.”

Jim smiled.

“Well, if you, uh, if you need to talk about it, I’d be happy to listen.”

“Yes, you said as much when you stated how I put up with your ‘quirks.’” Spock’s lips were still quirked upward enough to count as a smile. “Thank you, Jim.”

“Of course. Anytime.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I had to include Spock picking Jim up and spinning him around when he found out he hadn't killed him after all, every time I watch that scene in the original Amok Time I keep thinking that's what Spock's gonna do and he never does  
> Also, Spock's autism has absolutely nothing to do with him being half-alien, which I really hope I made clear here- I'm autistic myself, and I've often used Spock's experiences to explain my own experiences to my mother, and it makes me feel better about myself to imagine one of the most iconic characters of all time as autistic. Plus, whenever Spock goes on a tangent about science and Jim looks at him with such adoration, it gives me hope that I'll find someone who likes to let me infodump someday. TL;DR- I'm autistic and headcanoning Spock as autistic makes me happy. Also, I need me a TOS Jim Kirk.
> 
> Also, since it's almost April- don't support Autism Speaks. I don't have the energy to explain, just google why autistic people hate Autism Speaks and you'll get a million results telling you why they do more harm than good. Don't support them, wear red instead, and flip off an ableist (in your head if it is unsafe to do so IRL)
> 
> Vulcan to English-  
> Koonut kaliffee- place of marriage or challenge  
> Kaliffar- marriage; begin marriage ceremony  
> Kahiffee- it is challenged; beginning of bond challenge ritual  
> Kaliffee- act of challenge  
> K'hat'n'dlawa- half of (my) heart and soul; a term of endearment that became unfashionable after Reformation due to its emotional connotations
> 
> Guest Cast List:  
> T'Pau- Rita Moreno (don't tell me you don't think this would be BADASS)  
> T'Pring- Chloe Bennett
> 
> That's it for season 2 part 1! Next chapter is an alternate aftermath of "the Gamesters of Triskelion" with some very special guests, "A Piece of the Action," and a post "Immunity Syndrome" storyline. Thank you for your comments and kudos, and see you tomorrow!


	6. Chapter 6

**2260.136**

Jim’s first semi-coherent thought upon awakening was  _ everything is pain. _

His second, slightly less nonsensical thought was about how this was not the Enterprise’s sickbay. Or if it was, he’d been out  _ way  _ longer than he thought.

He groaned as he sat up, his head feeling like his brains had been scooped out, fried like scrambled eggs, then funneled back into his head through his ears, or in shorter terms, headache type number thirty-two.

It was probably not a great sign that he could differentiate between types of headaches.

“Hello?” He called, his voice sounding raspy even to his own ears. “Can someone tell me where I am?”

The curtain around his biobed was drawn back, revealing a man with skin only a little lighter than Nyota’s in short-sleeved medical blues.

Jim blinked at him.

“... You’re not Bones,” he commented.

“I don’t know who that is, so yeah,” the man responded, walking over to the foot of Jim’s bed and picking up a chart. “Good to see you finally decided to join us, Captain Kirk.”

“You know who I am?”

The man snorted.

“I think everyone knows the name of the youngest starship captain ever, Jimmy.”

Jim blinked again, tilting his head.

“Uh, Jimmy? I’m... I’m sorry, but... do you happen to know my mom?”

The man blinked.

“You... you really have no idea where you are, do you?”

“Well, I’m guessing a starship, but other than that, I got nothing.”

“You’re on the USS Discovery.”

Jim blinked once again, then felt his eyes widen.

“W... Wait,  _ the  _ Discovery? The only ship in the fleet to have a spore drive? Commanded by Captain Michael Burnham?”

“And the ship that your mom’s the chief engineer on?”

“Yeah, that too- oh, don’t look at me like that, I love my mom, but  _ Michael Burnham.” _

The man chuckled, shaking his head.

“Your mom never mentioned you were so... lively.” He stuck out his hand. “I’m Hugh, by the way. Hugh Culber, I’m the CMO on this ship.”

Jim grinned as he shook his hand.

“James T. Kirk, Captain of the USS... wait.” His eyes widened. “I’m... I’m not the only person you picked up, right? There were two other people, Lieutenant-!”

“Lieutenant Nyota Uhura and Ensign Pavel Chekov. Don’t worry, they’ve been up and at ‘em for a while. You were the one we were a little worried about. What did you do, get punched in the head ten times?”

“... To be honest, I think I lost consciousness around the seventh punch,” Jim admitted as he got out of the biobed. “What happened, anyway? Coulda sworn we were all about to kick the bucket down there.”

“Well, lucky for you, we got that distress signal you managed to send out. I wasn’t part of the landing party, but according to someone who was, it was ‘fucking amazing.’”

Jim snorted, then groaned as he stretched. 

“Sorry I missed it. So, am I free to go?”

“Well, yes, but where are you going?”

He grinned at Hugh.

“I think I’ll go bug the Chief Engineer.”

 

* * *

 

When Jim got to Engineering, he was unsurprised to see that his mom was yelling at someone. Nor was he surprised to see that most of the people in the area were cowering in the shadows.

After all, Kirk women were scary as  _ fuck,  _ his mom included.

One ensign’s eyes widened when she saw him, and Jim quickly put his finger to his lips, signalling for her to be quiet as he crept up behind his mom.

“... all I know is that when I checked this morning, there were  _ no  _ mushrooms in those Jefferies tubes, and yet when I checked ten minutes ago, guess what? Fucking mushrooms!”

“For the last time, Kirk, this is the only ship left in the Fleet-!”

“Outfitted for use of a spore drive, but you know how many times we’ve used that thing in the past few years?  _ Three,  _ and it was an emergency every time! All I’m asking is that you keep your damn forest-!”

“Hey, Mom,” Jim greeted, standing right behind his mom.

“Hey, shortstack, just a second- Keep your damn forest out of my...”

His mom trailed off, her shoulders dropping before she turned around to face him. Jim grinned back at her.

_ “You little shit,” _ she chided lowly before all but tackling him in a hug. Jim laughed, wrapping his arms around her before mouthing “you’re welcome” at the guy she’d been yelling at.

“Nice to see you too, Ma.”

“You scared the  _ hell  _ of me, kid.”

“Yeah, it’s kinda becoming a pattern, isn’t it? I get seriously injured in the course of my captainly duties, you get a few more gray hairs, rinse and re-!”

His mom pulled back, giving him a serious look. Jim’s heart dropped when he saw just how much fear was in her eyes, suddenly realizing that the last time she’d seen him in a biobed like that...

Jim sighed, smiling apologetically.

“I’m sorry, Mom. I didn’t mean to scare you.”

Her expression softened, and she smiled a little, the lines at the corners of her eyes creasing.

“Yeah, well. You’re your father’s boy, alright.”

“I genuinely don’t know if that’s a compliment or not.”

“Eh, take it however you want, it fits either way.” 

The guy his mom had been yelling at cleared his throat.

“Commander?”

“Huh? Oh, yeah, you. Look, just get your mushrooms back in their place, which is  _ not  _ in my Jefferies tubes. And I swear, if I find more in there, I’ll tell your husband where you hide your secret whiskey stash.”

The man’s eyes widened.

“You  _ wouldn’t.” _

“Don’t test me, Paul. Nothing goes on on this ship without me knowing about it.”

The man- whose name, apparently, was Paul- glared at his mother, then looked at Jim.

“You’re her son, right? Has she always been like this?”

Jim shrugged.

“I mean, far back as I can remember. She means it when she says she knows everything, by the way. Once I found a kitten and took it home to secretly take care of it in our barn, and the next day she came home with cat food.”

“You had cat fur all over you, shortstack.”

“Socks was an affectionate soul, Mom. Thank you for letting me keep him, by the way.”

His mom rolled her eyes, but he could see her smiling.

“Anyway, Jimmy, this lovely fellow here is Lieutenant Commander Paul Stamets, or as he’s affectionately known to us on the Discovery, Mushroom Man.”

“Kirk, you’re the only one who calls me that.”

She snorted.

“To your face, maybe.”

“Nice to meet you, Paul,” Jim started before his mom and Paul could start arguing again, sticking his hand out for the other man to shake. “I’m Jim. I promise I’m not as scary as my mom.”

Paul looked uncertain, but eventually shook Jim’s hand.

“She talks about you a lot. Talks about your daughter even more.”

“That’s fair, Alice _ is  _ pretty amazing. I think she’s probably the smartest six year old-!”

“Oh my god.”

Jim paused, turning to the entrance with a quirked eyebrow. A young woman with curly red hair pulled back into a bun was hovering there, looking like she might start jumping up and down at any second.

“It’s really  _ you!”  _ She exclaimed. “You’re James Kirk!”

“Uh... yes? And you are...?”

“Lieutenant Sylvia Tilly, sir. I can’t believe it! I mean, Winona reminds us that you’re her son, like, all the time, and I was with the landing party so I know you were one of the people we rescued, but you were unconscious at the time so it’s not like I actually got to meet you, but now I do and it’s the  _ fucking coolest thing ever-!” _

Tilly froze, quickly covering her mouth before straightening to attention.

“I... I apologize for my unprofessionalism, Captain Kirk, I just... it is an honor to meet you, sir.”

Jim managed to keep his face serious for all of eight seconds before grinning hugely.

“I think I might have to poach this one from your ship, Mom.”

“Really?!” Tilly exclaimed, looking like he’d just offered her a pony. 

Jim’s mom snorted.

“Yeah, good luck getting that cleared with Captain Burnham.”

“Oh, um, speaking of which...” Tilly cleared her throat. “Mich- Captain Burnham would like to see you on the bridge, Captain Kirk.”

Jim blinked, then pointed at himself.

“W... Wait, me? Michael Burnham wants to see  _ me? The  _ Michael Burnham?”

“Well, you are  _ the  _ James T. Kirk. I think she wants you on the bridge when she contacts your ship. Lieutenant Uhura and Ensign Chekov are already waiting.”

Jim was about two seconds from jumping up and down and yelling “yippee” at the top of his lungs, to be honest.

“Think I’ll go with you, shortstack.”

“Huh? Why?”

“Because I don’t want you making a fool out of yourself in front of my captain.” His mom shrugged. “Plus, I like your first officer. Spock’s a good egg.”

Jim snorted.

“Yeah, an egghead, maybe.”

An  _ adorable  _ egghead, yeah, but an egghead nonetheless.

“Jimmy, what did I tell you about insulting people?”

He sighed.

“If you don’t have anything nice to say, then at least make sure your insults are creative.”

“That’s my boy.”

 

* * *

 

The bridge of the Discovery wasn’t quite as big as the Enterprise’s, which made sense considering it was a Crossfield-class while the Enterprise was a Constitution-class. Still, it was no less lively, and it looked like Nyota and Chekov had made themselves at home while Jim was out. Nyota was chatting with a dark-skinned man at the communications officer’s post, and Chekov...

“So you are spore drive operator?”

“I am.”

“Very interesting! You know, the idea of collecting mushrooms spores came from Russia. Is little known fact, yes?”

Jim rolled his eyes, walking over to Chekov and clearing his throat.

“Ensign, I think you should let the nice... uh...”

Okay. So as it turns out, Chekov had been hitting on a robot. 

This was a  _ really _ weird day.

“Captain! You are awake!” If Chekov was unhappy about being interrupted, he didn’t show it, his face lit up like a Christmas tree as he looked at Jim.

“Jeez, was I really that bad off?”

“You have been unconscious for twelve days, sir.”

_ “What?!” _

He heard his mom snort.

“More like twelve  _ hours.” _

Jim blinked, then gave Chekov a look. Chekov gave him a shit-eating grin in return.

“Eh-heh. Sorry, sir. Was just little joke.”

“Ensign, my six-year-old makes better jokes than that. Leave the nice... uh... spore drive operator alone and go... somewhere else.”

“I do not mind speaking with him, Captain Kirk,” the spore drive operator informed him. She smiled a little. “I find him quite charming, actually.”

Chekov beamed, and Jim rolled his eyes.

“Well, alright, but just know that whatever he claims about Russia, it’s not true, uh...”

“Lieutenant Commander Airiam, sir.”

“Right, nice to meet you.” He nodded at her, then turned to his mother. “So, I might be off base here, but is she a  _ robot?” _

“Jim, I’ve been here a year, and I’m gonna be honest, I have  _ no  _ fucking idea.” She clapped him on the back gently. “Now, get going, the captain’s a busy lady.”

Jim swallowed as he took a stumbling step forward.

Right. No big deal. He was just going to meet another starship captain.

Captain Burnham. Captain Michael  _ motherfucking  _ Burnham, the woman who all but single-handedly stopped a war with the Klingons just a few years ago, and the only Human ever to attend both the Vulcan Learning Center and the Vulcan Science Academy, as well as one of the only Humans to receive the Vulcan Scientific Legion of Honor.

No big deal. He was cool. He was James T. Kirk, the youngest Starfleet captain ever, and he was a genius too, even if he’d never gone to Vulcan public school.

Shit, how had he already gotten to the captain’s chair?

“Um... C... Captain Burnham?”

The chair turned, revealing a dark-skinned woman with short, curly hair in Science blues. She smiled at him as she stood up, and Jim had to try  _ very  _ hard not to squeal in excitement.

“Captain Kirk. Good to see that you’ve woken up.”

She looked at him for a moment, and Jim realized that it was his turn to talk.

“Oh, uh, y-yeah, I... sorry, I’m a little out of it.” He cleared his throat. “Thank you for responding to my distress signal.”

“I’m impressed that you managed to send one at all. The planet had a strong ion field that made it nearly impossible to intercept any communications.” She smiled again. “Well done.”

Forget T’Pau, this was officially the new best day of Jim’s life after the day he met his daughter.

“Captain, the Enterprise is hailing us now.”

“Put them on visual, Bryce,” Burnham responded, turning to the front of the ship. She raised her hand in the  _ ta’al  _ when Spock’s face appeared on screen, seemingly oblivious to how Jim’s stomach had started doing somersaults. “Commander Spock.  _ Nuh’mau-wak.” _

Jim saw Spock’s lips twitch upward in the way that meant he was smiling in his head, although he also could’ve sworn that there was something like guilt in his eyes.

_ “Likewise, Captain Burnham. Captain Kirk.” _

Jim really hoped he wasn’t blushing too obviously. Half his own ship already knew how he felt about his XO, he didn’t need  _ another  _ ship knowing.

“H-Hey, Spock. How’s it going?”

_ “The ship has continued to function at a satisfactory level in your absence, sir. However, I am pleased to see that you are uninjured.” _

Jim’s heart skipped a beat, and he grinned like an idiot.

“Aw, Spock, did you miss me?”

Burnham snickered as the tips of Spock’s ears went green.

_ “Negative, Captain. I am simply pleased that Starfleet has not lost an excellent captain, nor an excellent communications officer or an excellent navigator.” _

“He thinks I am excellent navigator? This is news to me.”

Nyota snorted.

Jim rolled his eyes.

_ “Aw, don’t listen to him, Jim,”  _ he heard Bones call.  _ “You shoulda seen the way he was acting these past few days. You know what he wanted to do to find you three? Scan space.” _

“Uh... that seems like a pretty logical thing to do, Bones.”

_ “No, he wanted to scan  _ space.  _ As in,  _ all  _ of it.” _

Several people on the bridge laughed as a light shade of green dusted Spock’s cheeks.

“Why, I didn’t know you cared so much, Mr. Spock,” Jim teased, trying to ignore the way his heart sang to know how far Spock was willing to go to find him.

_ “It was... it was logical to be thorough, sir. In any case, as you, Lt. Uhura, and Ensign Chekov have all been rescued, we will proceed to rendezvous with the Discovery to retrieve you.” _

“Why don’t you beam aboard for a bit, Commander?” Burnham offered. “We don’t have a specific mission at the moment, and I’m sure your crew would love a day off. Plus, it’ll give us a chance to catch up.”

Jim blinked.

A chance to catch up? Wait, did... did Spock know Michael Burnham? Did Spock know Michael Burnham  _ and had never told Jim?! _

Man. If he wasn’t so in love with the guy, he might resent him for that.

_ “Very well. We shall warp to your location and rendezvous on your ship.” _

“Great.” Burnham smiled, her eyes a little wistful. “It’s... it’s been too long since we last spoke, Spock.”

Spock actually looked a little  _ melancholy. _

_ “Indeed it has. It will be approximately two hours before we arrive at your location, since our ship has been running on warp six for the past three point eight two days. Spock-!” _

“Now, just hold on a second there, Spock.”

Jim blinked, turning to look at his mother.

_ “Ah, Winona. You are the Chief Engineer aboard the Discovery, correct?” _

Winona? Since when was Spock friends with Jim’s mom?

“Yeah, I am, and I also happen to be the grandmother of a certain little girl on your ship. Bring her along, would ya? It’s been too long since I last got to see her.”

Spock’s lips twitched again.

_ “Very well, Winona. I am certain Alice will be quite pleased to see you as well.”  _ He raised his hand, fingers split in the  _ ta’al. “Live long and prosper, Captain Burnham.” _

“Peace and long life, Commander Spock.”

The video feed cut out, and Jim turned to look at Burnham.

“Okay, I’m confused. Do you know my first officer?”

Burnham blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“He didn’t tell you?”

“Tell me what?”

Burnham rolled her eyes.

“So he’s still not sharing details of his personal life, I see.”

“What does his... I know stuff about Spock’s personal life. Like, his mom’s name is Amanda, she was a teacher before she was a diplomat, and he has an older half brother on his dad’s side, Sybok, who apparently fills the role of the idiot brother-!”

“Sybok is  _ not  _ an idiot,” Burnham snapped, her eyes suddenly going sharp. The bridge froze, and it was like the temperature dropped ten degrees all of a sudden.

Jim slowly raised his hands in surrender.

“I... sorry, I didn’t... that’s just how Spock made him sound when he told me about him.”

“That is his opinion of him, but it is not factual. Sybok has been misguided, yes, but to call him an idiot is untrue.”

She seemed weirdly fired up about this.

Actually, now that he thought about it, she was kind of acting like Sam did when Jim was seven and getting picked on for being unable to sit still in class.

“Uh... how do you know Spock, exactly?”

Burnham cleared her throat, straightening her posture.

“Commander Spock and Sybok are my brothers.”

Jim blinked, then felt his mouth fall open in shock.

“... C... Come again?”

“More accurately, they are my foster brothers. Our parents adopted me when I was six, and Spock was born the following year. Sybok then joined our family when I was eleven and Spock was four, as his mother had kept his existence secret from our father.”

Jim stared at her, his mind straining to process what she’d just told him.

“W... Wait, so you’re saying that not only does my first officer know Michael Burnham, he literally grew up sharing a bathroom with her?!” 

Burnham’s lips twitched upward in a little smile- unlike her apparent brother, she didn’t fight it.

“Actually, our house was big enough that we had our own bathrooms.”

“Wh- Okay, one, unfair, I had to share a bathroom with Sam and he took  _ forever  _ to get ready in the morning, and two, not the point! I can’t- actually, you know what? I can totally believe this, he didn’t even tell me that I’m an honorary Vulcan citizen through my daughter until he was convincing T’Pau to let us stay for his wedding ceremony-!”

“His  _ what.” _

Jim froze, then grinned nervously.

“He, uh... he didn’t tell you about that did he?”

There was a fire burning in Burnham’s eyes.

“No. No, he did not.”

Oops.

Jim may have to avoid leaving Spock alone with his sister for a while. He was pretty sure that Bones might just laugh at him if Burnham ended up punching him in the face.

 

* * *

 

“... And that’s Alice on her sixth birthday. She insisted on doing her own hair, and well...” Jim grinned at the messy, loose buns Alice had wrestled her curls into. “It was super cute though.”

“She has your eyes,” Burnham (“Michael, Jim, we’re both captains here”) told him, her lips curved up into a small smile. “I have never seen a blue-eyed Vulcan before.”

“Yeah, the ol’ Kirk blues are pretty dominant, I guess.” He smiled again. “She’s the light of my life, y’know? I don’t know what I’d do without her.”

“Your mother has said similar things about you and your older brother.”

Jim laughed, then folded the picture back up before putting it back into his pocket.

“Yeah, well, your brother’s been a big help there, y’know. I mean, he knows a lot more about being Vulcan than I do, and he and Alice adore each other.” Jim snorted. “Even if he’d never admit that out loud.”

Michael hummed, taking a drink from her... green juice with unknown, probably healthy contents. Jim took a drink from his own, much less healthy glass of soda.

“So, how long have you been dating my little brother?”

He nearly choked on his soda.

“P... Pardon?”

“How long have you and Spock been dating?”

“I-! W-We’re, we’re not  _ dating! _ He’s just a friend! One of my best friends!”

Michael quirked an eyebrow in a very Spock-esque fashion.

“Jim, I have eyes, and I know my brother. He doesn’t even let  _ me  _ tease him like that. He’s either crazy about you or you’ve worn him down so much that he doesn’t even try to get you to stop teasing.”

Jim scoffed. 

“It’s the latter, believe me. Besides,  _ I’m  _ the one who’s crazy about...”

He froze with his drink halfway to his lips, his heart pounding in his ears as a flush rose in his cheeks.

“... Crazy about him, I’m guessing?”

“... crap, I was hoping you wouldn’t catch that...” Jim sighed. “Fine, yeah, I... I’m in love with him. Have been for over a year now, and I’m starting to think there’s no getting over it. But believe me, it’s one-sided.”

“How do you know? Did you ask him?”

“I didn’t have to. If... if he wanted me, then when he went through his, uh, his  _ Time...  _ well, he probably would have made his feelings known by this point, wouldn’t he?”

Nevermind that Spock had almost  _ definitely  _ gotten hard while they were grappling in the dirt. He’d been in the middle of the most intense part of  _ pon farr,  _ and they’d been in close physical contact, it wasn’t Spock’s fault that his body had... reacted.

Jim didn’t have any excuse for how his body reacted. He was just glad Spock had been too far gone to notice, since he probably would have said something by now if he had.

“Jim, I’m a little surprised.”

Jim blinked, turning to look at Michael again.

“About what?”

“I’m surprised that you haven’t figured out that my brother is  _ very  _ good at denying himself the things he wants. I have known him since the day he was born, and in all that time, I have never seen him look at someone the way he looks at you.” She leaned forward. “And you can’t tell me you think that Vulcans don’t feel affection, because you and I both know that is not true. Perhaps Spock does not outwardly show it the way Alice might, but he cares for you very deeply.”

The things she was saying sounded a lot like things Jim had thought before. He remembered how Spock had brought him oatmeal after Kodos, their thrice-weekly chess games (which actually happened four times a week now), how Spock had carried him when he couldn’t walk after Qo’noS, how he’d picked him up and spun him around when he realized he hadn’t killed him during their wrestling match...

Spock staying to comfort Jim as he died.

The look on his face when Jim had finally woken up.

Yeah. Spock was a more affectionate creature than he probably wanted to admit.

But...

“Look, even if- and I’m not saying he does, cause he doesn’t- even if Spock  _ did  _ like me like that, it’s still... I have a child to think about. I can’t ever just date someone because I like them, I have to know that whatever partner I have is going to be okay with being... being Alice’s other parent. They could never just date me, they’d also have to become a parent to a kid that isn’t even theirs, and... and I just can’t ask that of him.” He took another swig of his soda, which was quickly going flat. “I’ve already asked way too much of him.”

After a moment, Michael sighed.

“I know my brother, Jim. I think that he’d do whatever you asked of him, just because you were the one who asked.”

Before Jim could respond to that, Michael’s comm went off- it was Bryce, telling them that the Enterprise had arrived to meet them.

“Just... think about it, okay?”

Jim swallowed as he stood up, unable to give her a reply before she started walking towards the transporter room.

 

* * *

 

It had been a challenge to convince Alice to stay still long enough for the transporter to work properly. Thus, Spock was completely unsurprised that, the moment she finished rematerializing, she dashed off the platform towards her father.

“Daddy!” She cried, arms outstretched. Jim laughed, kneeling down to catch her before standing and spinning her around.

“Miss me, buttercup?”

Alice’s reply was muffled, as she had burrowed her face into Jim’s shoulder. Still, Jim’s expression softened, and he sighed, rubbing her back softly.

“But you knew I wasn’t gone, didn’t you? You could still feel me through our bond.”

Alice’s reply to that was also muffled. Jim sighed again.

“I know, baby. I’m sorry I scared you.”

Alice’s head popped up, her lips pressed in a thin line.

“You better be! You were gone a whole three days, and I thought Mr. Spock and Mr. Scotty and Uncle Bones were all gonna start fighting each other! It was chaos!”

Jim laughed, and Spock’s heart skipped a beat, as it was wont to do whenever he heard that most wonderful sound.

“Sounds like I better not take a vacation when they’re still working, then.”

“You’d better make sure Mr. Spock knows where you’re going, too. He wanted to scan space.  _ All  _ of it.”

Jim laughed again, then looked over at Spock, his eyes twinkling with amusement.

“Yeah, so I’ve heard. Don’t you think that might have been a little bit overkill, Mr. Spock?”

Spock’s ears began to burn as he straightened and cleared his throat.

“It... it seemed to be the most prudent course of action at the time, sir.”

Jim’s eyes seemed to twinkle even more.

Then Spock heard a chuckle.

“Of course, Mr. Spock. To spend years scanning space in search of your captain is entirely logical.”

The burning spread to his cheeks as Spock turned to his sister, although he found it difficult not to smile when he saw her. 

“It was necessary to exhaust all avenues of investigation prior to turning back, Captain Burnham.”

This was true- if Spock had not thoroughly investigated the disappearance of his captain and two other commissioned officers, Starfleet Command would most likely have subjected him to a court martial.

Of course, expending resources on what very well may have been a pointless search could also have led to Spock being court martialed, but since Jim, Uhura, and Chekov were all indeed alive and captured, he doubted that the matter would be pursued.

Michael’s lips curved into a small smile, and Spock was certain that had they been alone, she would be laughing at him.

“Um... excuse me, Miss Captain?”

Michael blinked, turning to Alice with a kind smile.

“Yes?”

“Are you Captain Michael Burnham?”

“I am.”

“Oh. My daddy thinks you’re super cool!”

Jim let out a very odd squawk, his face going from its usual color to beet red in less than two point eight one seconds. 

Michael chuckled, quirking an eyebrow.

“Oh, he does, does he?”

“Uh-huh! He said that you’re one of the smartest and toughest starship captains in the fleet, and if he ever got to meet you, he was gonna ask for your autogrammf!”

Jim had somehow managed to redden further by the time he covered his daughter’s mouth. 

“Ah-hahaha, uh, um, that was just... buttercup, remember that conversation we had about tact?”

Michael laughed a little louder, shaking her head.

“It’s alright, Jim. I’m flattered, really.” Her eyes were twinkling with amusement. “Although, it’s been a long time since anyone’s asked me for my autograph.”

Jim laughed sheepishly, the flush on his face lessening somewhat. He then paused and blinked, letting out a disgusted noise before removing his palm from his daughter’s mouth.

“What the-?! Did you just  _ lick my hand?!” _

“I’m six, what were you expecting?” Alice replied coolly.

Michael laughed again, which caused Jim to chuckle as well. Normally, Jim’s laugh was a very soothing sound, but somehow, knowing that it was because of his sister was...

_ No, MINE. He is MY t’hy’la, not yours, never yours, mine mine mine MINE-! _

“Uh, Spock?” Jim’s voice brought him out of his own head. “Is, uh... is there a reason that you’re looking at your sister like you want to set her on fire with your eyes?”

Spock blinked, then felt his ears begin to burn as he cleared his throat.

“I did not mean to... my apologies, Michael, it seems I am more tired than I...” Spock blinked once more, then turned to look at Jim with a quirked eyebrow. “You are aware that Captain Burnham is my foster sister?”

Jim shifted Alice into one arm and put the other on his hip, giving Spock a look that he was certain he’d seen on his own mother more than once.

“Yeah, no thanks to you. Why didn’t you ever tell me that your big sister is  _ the  _ Michael Burnham?”

“Because it was not relevant at any point before this.”

This was true, although Spock now found he had a new reason- because Jim was  _ his t’hy’la,  _ not Michael’s, and she could not just take him from him as if they were still children and Jim was a favored toy-!

Spock blinked once more, then suppressed a grimace.

He should not think of his captain that way. Jim was his  _ t’hy’la,  _ but he did not belong to Spock, and even if they were in a relationship, Jim would not belong to him- he would belong to himself, as he always had. 

He was not a toy. He was a person, and if... if what he desired was Michael, then...

Then Spock had no right to try to assert a claim to him. Especially when he had never-  _ would  _ never- make his affections known to his captain in the first place.

“Spock?”

This time, it was Michael’s soft voice that brought Spock out of his own head. She had an odd look in her eyes, as if she knew something he did not.

“Yes, Michael?”

“I meant what I said earlier. I would very much like to catch up with you.”

Spock found that there was something else in his sister’s eyes beside that knowing look- anger, which Spock could not comprehend for the life of him. What could he have done to anger Michael? Before today, the last time he had spoken with his sister was before the destruction of Vulcan-that-was, which was now over two years ago.

Which, now that Spock thought about it, may have been part of the reason for her anger. 

“Uh, Spock?”

He quirked an eyebrow as he turned to Jim, who looked oddly sheepish.

“Yes, Captain?”

“Just, uh...” Jim gave him what McCoy had once referred to as a “shit-eating grin,” which Spock assumed did not literally mean Jim was consuming feces. “Sorry in advance for this, I guess?”

Before Spock could inquire as to what he meant, Jim turned his gaze back to Alice.

“C’mon, buttercup, let’s go find your Nana, yeah?”

Alice gasped excitedly.

“This is Nana’s ship! Nana’s here!” She began squirming in Jim’s arms. “Lemme down, lemme down!”

Jim laughed as he put her down, watching in surprise as she bolted out of the transporter room.

“H-Hey, wait! Alice, this is a science vessel, who knows what strange, little-girl-eating things they have here!” He called as he ran after her.

Spock’s lips twitched upward, a motion he quickly suppressed when he heard his sister clear her throat.

“So. How is T’Pring?”

Spock blinked, turning back to her with a quirked eyebrow.

“T’Pring?”

“Yes, T’Pring. You know, your  _ wife?” _

Spock blinked once more.

“How did you-?”

“Jim told me that you went into  _ pon farr  _ a few months ago.”

Spock’s stomach felt as though it had dropped into the bottom of his frame.

“He- why would Jim-?”

“He did not mean to tell me, Spock, he was in the middle of a rant about how you never told him that he’s an honorary Vulcan citizen through Alice, which was part of a larger rant about how you never told him that we’re siblings.” Michael gave him a harsh look. “Because apparently, you still neglect to tell people who care about you anything about your personal life.”

Spock reminded himself that Vulcans did not feel guilt.

“As I have explained to both you and Jim, I did not share the information you refer to because none of it was relevant. Furthermore, you are operating under an incorrect assumption.”

Michael’s eyebrow arched.

“And what assumption is that?”

“While I did indeed enter  _ pon farr _ approximately seventy four point eight days ago, T’Pring is not my wife, nor shall she ever be.”

His sister blinked.

“Spock, I may not be a Vulcan, but I was raised as one. If you had not taken T’Pring as your wife, you would not be standing here right now.”

“That is what I had assumed as well, but there were... extenuating circumstances.”

“What extenuating circumstances?”

Spock straightened, folding his hands behind his back and looking away from his sister.

“... T’Pring chose the challenge.”

Michael was silent for a moment.

“... she... she  _ what?  _ How could she-!”

“T’Pring was well within her rights to challenge the bonding, and I cannot fault her reasoning for doing so- as I am unlikely to ever father children, it would be illogical for her to bond with me, especially when our race is on the verge of extinction.”

“Spock... Spock, that isn’t your fault.”

“I am aware of this, and I do not take offense at it. Truthfully...” Spock hesitated, then cleared his throat. “Truthfully, now that my Time has passed, I am glad that she chose the challenge, as I had been dreading this event since I was approximately twelve point three eight Terran years of age, although I had not been looking forward to the cementing of our bond since... since the betrothal bond was put in place, frankly.”

“What? Spock, I do not... why would you be apprehensive about bonding with T’Pring? I realize that you have never been overly fond of her, nor she you, but I did not think you had any misgivings about her.”

Spock wished his ears had not begun to burn.

“It... it is not only T’Pring that I had misgivings about, it is... even if I had been betrothed to a woman that I had a more positive relationship with, I would still have had misgivings because... that is, I...”

Spock had truly hoped he would never have to have this conversation with any member of his family, but he had been wholly unprepared for the realities of it.

“You... what? What is it, Spock?”

“I... that is to say, I... I would not have ever been entirely satisfied with being betrothed to any women, let alone bonded to one, because I...” He swallowed thickly, hating how his heart was pounding. “Because my... my romantic and sexual interests lie solely with... with other men.”

The silence was somehow deafening, and Spock could not bring himself to look at his sister. His gaze was trained on his own regulation boots, fear swirling around inside him so overwhelmingly that he could not deny the emotion. 

He could not stop himself from flinching when he heard his sister take a step towards him.

“Spock... Spock, are you trying to tell me that you’re gay?”

“I... th... that is the accepted term for my sexual orientation amongst most Federation-allied species, yes.”

“... Spock, please look at me.”

He swallowed once more, then took a small breath and turned toward his sister, slowly moving his eyes upward.

He was not entirely certain what he was expecting, but he was relieved to see warmth and acceptance in her eyes.

And somewhat startled by the complete lack of surprise in them.

“You knew,” he breathed, feeling slightly light-headed.

“Well, I suspected that you weren’t  _ straight. _ Do you remember when you were twelve and that ambassador and his family stayed with us for a week? You kept staring at his son and flushing.”

Spock did remember that. He’d found the other boy to be... distracting, with his flickering hazel eyes and copper-colored hair, and his bright, wide smile... and his lips had been so soft...

He had also been under the impression that no one had noticed his lapse in control.

“Why... why did you not speak to me about it?”

“I was not sure about my suspicions. I decided that if you were interested in other men, I would let you broach the topic, and if you were not, then it would be better not to bring it up at all and risk upsetting you.”

“... Sound logic. I confess, I most likely would have been unreceptive to such a suggestion at that age. However, had certain circumstances not forced me to come to terms with my sexuality, I may never have broached the subject at all.”

Michael smiled gently.

“Well, I am still pleased that you trust me enough to share this with me.”

Despite himself, Spock found himself smiling back at her, his heart feeling much lighter.

“... I am not certain as to why, but I feel as though there is a part of this interaction that is missing.”

“Generally, when Humans come out to another person and the other person is not awful to them, they will hug as a way of reaffirming affection.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“An illogical practice.”

Then, because Spock was far too relieved to be entirely logical at the moment, he stepped forward and pulled his older sister into his arms for the first time since... since she was still taller than him, he realized. Michael chuckled, wrapping her arms around his torso, and even after she had stopped laughing he could still feel her amusement through their bond.

“What is so amusing?”

She chuckled again, taking a step back.

“You most likely do not remember, but when you were around two years of age, I decided to perform an experiment on you.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow, and his sister rolled her eyes.

“It was nothing extreme, I simply wished to test if you had yet formed preferences. I put three of your toys in front of you- a teddy bear, a set of seriated plastic rings, and a play telephone that I-Chaya was frightened of.”

“Why was I-Chaya frightened of a toy telephone?”

“It made loud noises. In any case, I placed the toys in front of you, then told you to go to your favorite.” She smiled softly. “At first, you took your time, examining each toy before focusing your attention on the rings. I had thought that would be your choice, but... you put the rings aside after a moment, then crawled over to me and gave me a hug.”

Spock blinked.

“I had told you to choose your favorite from the items in front of you, but I had not realized that I too was in front of you.” Michael’s eyes were shining a bit. “Amanda was quite concerned when she walked into the living room to find me crying with you in my arms.”

Spock’s lips twitched upward.

“I would assume so, since it would not be immediately obvious as to what upset you.”

“I was not upset, Spock. I was crying because I was happy, because it was clear to me that you loved me as much as I loved you.”

Spock’s ears began to burn.

“I... such sentimentality is not-!”

“Spock. I lived with Vulcans for the vast majority of my childhood and all of my adolescence. You may not want to admit it, but I know that you and our father are capable of...”

She trailed off, pain flashing in her eyes when she realized her mistake. Spock’s throat tightened, and he looked away, taking a step back and moving his hands behind his back.

“That is... you always had a different relationship with our father than I did, Michael.”

“Different?”

“He favored you. Perhaps it was because you are older than me, or because part of his katra is... is in you, but...”

“Spock...”

“I do not mean to imply that I resent you for this, as that would be illogical, since it is not your fault that our father preferred you. However, because of that, I... I was reluctant to speak with you about him, since we would have very different opinions of him, and I... I did not want to...”

“Spock... Spock, do you know why I was rejected by the Vulcan Expeditionary Group?”

Spock blinked, turning back to his sister with a raised eyebrow.

“I had assumed that it was because you were Human, which would have taken precedence over your exemplary test scores and the fact that you graduated at the top of your class.”

“That is why my application was rejected, yes, but there was still a chance for me to join after that. However, the chance was given as a choice to Sarek- either the VEG would accept me as a member now, or they could accept  _ you  _ later, but they would not accept us both.”

He blinked once more.

“He... he chose me over you.”

“He did. Of course, then you chose Starfleet over the Academy, rendering the choice pointless.”

Spock’s stomach twisted with guilt.

“I... I had not realized...”

“Of course you didn’t. Sarek regarded his choice as a great source of shame. I myself did not know until his attempted assassination some years ago.”

Spock’s gaze returned to his feet.

“... my decision to join Starfleet was not... an altogether logical one. I had been unsure about going into the VSA from the start, to the point where I considered going through  _ kolinahr  _ instead of accepting the Academy’s offer. However, I... when I was being evaluated by the board, they commented on my... disadvantage.”

“Disadvantage?”

“My Human mother. I was... I conducted myself with the necessary grace, but I became so angry that I made an impulsive decision to reject the Academy’s offer and join Starfleet. While I have never regretted that decision, knowing now that our father had made such a choice in my favor is...”

Michael chuckled dryly.

“It seems that Sarek did not take into account that we may decide to follow our own paths in life.”

“Indeed.”

Neither of them mentioned Sybok, though he was the one who had most strayed from their father’s influence.

It seemed that even after all this time, they were still not ready to discuss him.

This may have been why Michael chose to change the subject.

“So. You and your captain are... quite close.”

“I consider Jim to be a good friend as well as an admirable captain, yes.”

“Hm.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Is there something you wish to say?”

“Just... I’m not sure that I completely believe that your regard for your captain is purely platonic and/or professional, Spock.”

Spock’s ears began to burn again.

“... Clarify your meaning.”

“I mean that I saw the way you were looking at him when we contacted you on the bridge. I have known you since your birth, and I have never seen you look at anyone that way before.” Michael smirked. “Plus, don’t think I didn’t notice the whole ‘possessive Vulcan’ act earlier, I witnessed our father giving that same look to uninformed delegates who were too chummy with our mother more than once.”

The burning spread to his cheeks.

“I... you are mistaken.”

“I don’t believe I am. You have feelings for your captain, don’t you?”

Now Spock’s entire face was burning.

“I... that is... you have come to an illogical conclusion-!”

“Spock, if there is one thing I know, it is that love is rarely ever logical.” Her eyes softened. “And if there is one thing I know about you, it is that you are very good at denying yourself the things you want.”

Spock grimaced, then sighed, turning his gaze to his feet once more.

“I admit that you have... have come to a correct conclusion, though I maintain it is illogical, even if the illogic is on my part. However, I... ‘want’ is not the most accurate term for my... attachment to Jim, even if it is...” The burning worsened. “Even if it is undeniably true.”

“... Clarify.”

Spock swallowed, then took a breath.

“During the... at the climax of the Khan incident last year, I discovered that... Jim is my  _ t’hy’la.” _

Michael was silent- turning to look at her revealed a stunned expression on her face.

“I too was startled by the realization, especially since it came at an... inopportune time.”

An understatement. Realizing that Jim was his  _ t’hy’la  _ as his captain succumbed to radiation poisoning was not only inopportune, but tragic. 

“Does... he doesn’t know, does he?”

“I have not informed him, nor do I plan to do so. Such an action would only place an undue and unnecessary burden on my captain- namely, that he might feel obligated to enter a relationship with me, despite not returning my... affections.”

“How do you know he does not return your affections? Have you asked him?”

“No, but... prior to the Khan incident, the captain became infatuated with someone else.”

Michael blinked, then quirked an eyebrow.

“So you’re not saying anything because he’s already dating someone?”

“He is not, it... ended poorly, to say the least. However, I observed his behavior around her, and he... he has never acted that way around me. Therefore, I must conclude that the captain has no romantic or sexual regard for me.”

This was true. Even if the captain  _ had  _ become...  _ aroused _ while they were in combat during Spock’s  _ plak tow.  _

It was most likely just adrenaline combined with their physical proximity. It meant nothing.

Michael looked at him for approximately fifty-three point two seconds before groaning and pinching the bridge of her nose.

“I swear, stubborn, oblivious men are going to be the end of me... alright, Spock. I have a proposal for you.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“A proposal?”

“Yes. I propose that you subtly make your regard for Captain Kirk more obvious.”

His eyebrow arched higher.

“And how, pray tell, would I do that?”

“Be nice to him. Smile at him. Flirt.”

Spock’s ears once again began to burn.

“All of those options sound incredibly un-Vulcan.”

“Then tap into your Humanity. Just... just try it, alright?” Michael smiled, that knowing look returning to her eyes. “Because I’m willing to bet that he’d be a lot more receptive to it than you think.”

Spock was suddenly reminded of a thought he’d had when he was eight, coincidentally also about his sister.

_ I am never going to understand women. _

 

* * *

 

**2260.158**

Jim blinked once they rematerialized, glancing around at the strangely historical street they’d landed on. Before he could comment on the sights, though, he heard a car honk behind them, followed by Spock quickly pushing them out of the way of what looked like one of those boxy cars from the beginning of the twentieth century.

“Fascinating,” Spock stated plainly.

“That’s a word for it,” Bones commented. “Feels like coming home.”

“Yeah, if home was like, 1920’s Chicago. We didn’t time travel again, right?”

“No, Captain, it appears that we have indeed landed on Sigma Iotia II. As was stated earlier, the Iotians are both highly intelligent and prone to imitation.”

“Yeah, but I thought you meant, like, they’d be similar to whatever culture they were exposed to, not a carbon copy!”

“I do believe there is one way in which the Iotians differ from Earth’s 1920’s, sir.” 

“What’s that, Spock?”

Spock pointed at a pair of men across the street.

“As far as I am aware, though the gangs of Chicago were quite brazen, they did not tend to carry around firearms in broad daylight.”

Jim blinked, then did a double take.

“Okay, what the  _ fuck?  _ Why are- how are they- where did they even get those?!”

“Well, Jim, I’m willing to bet this place didn’t exactly get with the times on gun control,” Bones commented. “Or even firearms more modern than a Tommy gun.”

Jim pinched the bridge of his nose and shook his head.

“It’s gonna take  _ forever  _ to document the cultural contamination here, isn’t it?”

“I believe the actual amount of time it would take to document the severe cultural contamination on this planet would be closer to six point eight seven months, give or take three point six days-!”

“Spock. Not helping.”

Spock blinked, then pressed his lips into a thin line before opening his mouth once more.

“I apol-!”

There was a click behind them.

“Alright, you three, let’s see you petrified.”

Jim resisted the urge to grimace as he turned around, somehow unsurprised to see a pair of sharp-looking gangster pointing Tommy guns at them.

“Sir, would you mind explaining that statement, please?”

“Spock,” Jim hissed in a warning tone.

“It means I wanna see you turn to stone, pointy. Put your hands over your head, or you ain’t gonna have no head to put your hands over.”

“I assume that your use of the word ‘pointy’ is meant to be a derogatory reference to my-!”

“Spock I am  _ begging  _ you, put your hands over your head before I have to explain to Alice why you didn’t come back from a goddamn  _ diplomatic mission!” _

This finally seemed to convince Spock, as he put his hands over his head without any more argument, although he was definitely displeased when the men forced them to hand over their phasers. Jim understood that- he wasn’t too much of a fan of this situation either.

He was even less of a fan of how some guy shot at them while driving down the street a few minutes later.

His dick was definitely into the part where Spock had landed on top of him after pushing him and Bones behind a mailbox, though. Which meant Jim wasn’t a huge fan of his own dick at the moment, but there wasn’t much he could do there. He somehow managed to adjust himself without anyone noticing, clearing his throat as he walked up to the remaining gangster.

“What the hell was that?”

“What, ain’t you ever seen a hit before?”

“Sir, there are several questions I would like to-!”

“Ask the boss, I dunno nothing.” He pointed his Tommy gun at them again. “Get moving, would ya? The boss don’t have all day.”

Jim grimaced, remembering how he once thought it would have been neat to live in Al Capone’s day when he was eleven.

Oh, how wrong he was.

 

* * *

 

Spock would never admit this out loud, but he was extremely relieved to see Jim burst in through the doors to Okmyx’s office.

He was rather confused about the firearm he was carrying, but since it seemed that carrying a firearm may have been a necessary part of survival on this planet, he could not fault the captain for obtaining one.

“Hey, captain! You got away from Krako. Y’know, that ain’t easy.”

Jim didn’t answer Okmyx, instead giving Spock a hard look.

“I told you and Dr. McCoy to report to the ship, Mr. Spock.”

“We did, Captain, but the situation required our return.”

Jim sighed, shaking his head.

“Well, did you at least find something from the computer?”

“Nothing useful. Logic and practical information do not seem to apply here.”

“You admit that?” McCoy asked, eyebrow arched.”

“To deny the facts would be illogical, doctor.”

McCoy rolled his eyes.

“Hm... so long as we can’t rely on logic here, then, mind if I follow a hunch?”

Spock quirked an eyebrow when he saw the captain’s grin.

“I am not sanguine about hunches, captain, but I have no practical alternative.”

“Great!” Jim turned his aim on the two gunmen. “You two, strip.”

Spock blinked.

“Captain?”

“Now that we’ve got Bela, Spock, we’re gonna put the bag on Krako.”

“I fail to see how placing Krako in a bag would help our situation, sir.”

“Just go with it. We need these suits. So  _ strip.” _

The gunmen protested momentarily, but eventually conceded the point and stripped down.

“Alright, then. Bones, take this.”

McCoy blinked as he took the Tommy gun.

“Uh...?”

“I need you to keep an eye on these wise guys for us while Spock and I are out,” he explained before pulling his uniform top over his head.

Spock’s ears began to burn.

“C... Captain, I do not believe it is polite to-!”

“Polite, schmolite, Spock,” Jim interrupted as he took off his boots. “I think the brown one’s more your color.”

Spock wished to argue, but then Jim removed his trousers and Spock found himself unable to speak. Eventually, he sighed, removing his uniform top as he walked over to the pool table.

And if he caught sight of Jim’s posterior out of the corner of his eye more than once, then it was merely an accident.

The suit was thankfully his size, so he had little trouble putting it on, up until he attempted to tie the necktie. The first attempt resulted in a knot that more closely resembled the end result of Alice tying her shoes, while the second attempt ended with the long end of the tie in the back, which he was certain was incorrect. The third attempt was closest to what he assumed the knot should look like, but extremely lopsided.

“Alright, well, ready when you-!” Jim blinked, then tilted his head slightly. “Uh, your tie’s a little crooked, Spock.”

His ears were burning again.

“I am aware, sir.”

“Aren’t... aren’t you gonna fix it?”

“As this is the most successful attempt I have made thus far, I do not believe that would be wise.”

Jim blinked again, then slowly started to grin.

“Wait, do... Spock, do you not know how to tie a tie?”

The burning spread to his cheeks.

“It... it has never been necessary, sir.”

“Aren’t you thirty?” McCoy asked. “How has it never been necessary for you to know how to tie a tie?”

“Vulcan formalwear does not generally include neck adornments for males. Nor does my Starfleet dress uniform.”

Jim was grinning from ear to ear, shaking his head and chuckling before taking a step towards Spock.

“Alright, then, let an old pro help you out.”

The burning in his cheeks worsened.

“I... Captain, you are not obligated to-!”

“Spock, if we don’t look all perfectly spiffy and shit, nobody’s gonna buy us as gangsters. Besides, I’ve been able to tie my own tie since I was like, eight.”

Spock swallowed, then silently tilted his chin upward to allow Jim access to his neck. Jim was indeed skilled at the act, although Spock was a bit distracted by how the tips of his fingers would occassionally brush his Adam’s apple and he’d feel small waves of affection and amusement.

_ “I’m willing to bet he’d be a lot more receptive to it than you think.” _

His sister’s words had been present in the back of his mind since their conversation some weeks ago. Spock had not been under the assumption that Jim did not hold any affection towards him for some time, but...

“There, all done,” Jim said once he’d finished tying the tie properly. He grinned, patting Spock on the shoulder. “Don’t you look handsome?”

Spock had to fight back a visible flush.

“I... thank you, sir. You also look... very pleasant in that suit.”

Jim blinked, and if Spock did not know better he would have claimed that the captain blushed.

“Uh. Um. Well.” Jim grinned, although this time it did not quite reach his eyes. “Th... Thank you, Mr. Spock, that’s- that’s very kind of you.”

Before Spock could respond to that, McCoy snorted.

“Are you two gonna get a move on or get a room? Cause I ain’t sticking around to watch y’all flirt.”

Jim definitely blushed at that, as did Spock, although he was somewhat gratified to know that his attempt at flirting hadn’t gone unnoticed.

Though he would have preferred that Dr. McCoy was not the one to notice.

“Still your captain, Bones, remember?” Jim muttered before clearing his throat. “A-Anyway, he’s right, we... we should get going.”

Never had Spock wished more that his romantic experience was not limited to a few stolen kisses with that ambassador’s son when he was twelve, because he had no idea if Jim was affected by his attempt at flirting in a positive way, or if it had made him uncomfortable.

He had not expected this to be easy, but it may be even more difficult than he thought.

 

* * *

 

Even though Jim was now actually tall enough to reach the pedals, driving a car had not gotten any easier. 

Especially when the car was based off an oldsmobile, at least the car he’d driven off a cliff had wasn’t a friggin’  _ stick shift. _

By the time they made it to their destination, Spock was looking green- well, greener than usual. 

“... Captain.”

“Yes, Mr. Spock?”

“You... you are an excellent starship commander.”

Jim couldn’t help but grin like a dope at that, although yet again he had to wonder why Spock was being so liberal with the compliments lately. 

“Why, thank you, Mr. Spock.”

“But as a taxi driver, you leave much to be desired.”

And there it was. Jim’s grin turned sheepish.

“Was it really that bad?”

“By my count, you nearly collided with three different fire hydrants and a newspaper stand.”

“Hey, give me a break, I haven’t driven a car in seventeen years!”

Spock blinked, then quirked an eyebrow.

“Captain, you are currently twenty-seven years of age.”

“Last time I checked, yeah.”

“If you have not driven a car in seventeen years, would that not mean you last drove a car when you were ten years old?”

“Well, yeah-!” Jim blinked, then gave him a shit-eating grin. “Ah-heh. Haven’t told you that story, have I?”

“You have not. Why were you driving at the age of ten?”

“Well, uh... it has to do with Sam, and the car belonged to my uncle...” Jim swallowed, suppressing a shudder when he remembered the outcome of  _ that  _ particular act of rebellion. “Y’know, um, I... I don’t really want to talk about it right now.”

Or ever. Never thinking about Frank or- or dental drills ever again sounded pretty damn good to Jim.

Spock’s eyebrow was still arched, but he thankfully decided to drop the subject, instead getting out of the car with Tommy gun still in hand. Jim did the same, biting back a groan when he saw the guards posted at the door to Krako’s hideout.

“Well, Mr. Spock? Any ideas on how to get past those two goons over there?”

“Goons, sir?”

“The guards, Spock.”

“Ah. Normally, I would suggest we stun them with our phasers, but unfortunately such an act would most likely cause further cultural contamination here. If we could get close enough to them, we may be able to disable them without drawing suspicion.”

Jim watched as one of the men walked up to a woman driving a baby carriage and used the barrell to pull back the blanket inside, only satisfied when the child inside began crying. He grimaced, resisting the urge to use his phaser on him just for that.

“Yeah, uh, they don’t really seem like the trusting type, Spock.”

“It’s a hit, ain’t it?!”

Jim blinked, quirking an eyebrow when he saw a boy who couldn’t be much older than Peter wielding a knife and looking excited.

“I beg your pardon?” Spock asked.

“You’re gonna hit somebody! Can I watch?”

“Uh... you... you really don’t want to see this, kid,” Jim explained evenly. “Run along and play, okay-?”

“Where’d you get them ears?” The kid demanded, pointing at Spock. 

Spock made the face he made whenever Alice had a point that he didn’t want to agree with, but knew was true.

“Young man-!”

“You gonna hit Krako out here? You open up and you’ll be scrabbed from every window in the street.” The kid smirked. “I can fix it for ya.”

“Young man, this is likely to be quite hazardous. If I were-!”

“Now, just hold on, Spock. Out of the mouths of babes-!”

“Who you calling a babe?”

“I’m callin’  _ you  _ a babe.”

The kid furrowed his brow.

“You callin’  _ me  _ a babe?!” He started, pointing his knife at Jim’s face.

“Yeah, shortstack, but it ain’t nothin’ personal, see?” He put a hand on the kid’s shoulder, sitting on the hood of the car and pushing the kid down with them. “You know a way we can get close to them?”

“Sure I do.”

“How?”

The kid quirked an eyebrow.

“What’s in it for me?”

Ah, bargaining. Now this was a part of fatherhood Jim knew all too well.

“Well, what do you want?”

“A piece of the action.”

Nope, Jim was lost here, Alice may have been a firecracker but she wasn’t a gangster.

“You do not even know what the action is going to be,” Spock pointed out.

“Figure it’s gotta be a thick percentage, or you wouldn’t be tryin’ to hit Krako.”

Jim exchanged a look with Spock, who simply arched an eyebrow.

“His logic is sound, if odd, sir.”

“Alright, kid, we’ll guarantee you a piece of the action if we can pull this thing off.”

The kid smirked.

“That a contract?”

Jim held out his hand, and the kid shook it.

“Done. Now, spill. What do we do?”

The kid stood up.

“You’ll know what to do.” He then ran back into the street, waving his knife around.

Five minutes later, they’d knocked out both of the guards, stunning two more on the inside before Krako cornered them. Of course, they managed to turn the tables on him.

“Alright, Krako, we don’t have time to show ya how to play around with toys, see?”

“Toys?”

“What d’you think we’re here for, to get a cut of your deal? Forget it! That’s peanuts to an outfit like the Federation! Right, Spock?”

“Unquestionably.”

Jim gave Spock a look.

_ “Right?” _

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“R... Right.”

Spock looked hopelessly lost here. Jim made a mental note that he’d probably never played pretend much as a child.

“Now look, Krako, we’re taking over the whole ball of wax. You cooperate with us, and maybe we’ll cut you in for a piece of the action.”

“A miniscule-!” Spock cleared his throat, then showed how small with his right pointer finger and thumb. “A very small piece.”

“How much is that?”

“That’s, um...” Crap, did they have paper money here? What was the currency, anyway? God Jim wished he’d asked before this. “We’ll figure it out later.”

“I thought you guys had laws! No interference-!”

“Who’s interferin’? We’re takin’ over. Check?”

“... Right.” Spock still looked hopelessly confused. If Jim weren’t busy bluffing his way out of this mess, he’d have found it irresistibly adorable.

“The, uh, planet is being taken over by the Federation,” Jim explained as he walked over to Krako’s chair and took a seat. “But we don’t wanna come in here and, eh, use our muscle, ya know what I mean? That ain’t, uh, subtle. So what we do is, we help one guy take over the planet, he pulls the strings, and we pull his.”

Jim leaned back in his chair, giving Spock a “come hither” gesturing.

“Hey, you. Sit down, would ya?”

Spock’s eyebrow remained quirked, but he took a chair near the desk, mimicking Jim when he put his feet up on the desk, still looking adorably lost.

“Well, what’s your cut?”

“What do you care, as long as you’re bein’ cut in?” Jim shrugged. “Course, there’s always Bela Okmyx.”

Krako looked stunned for a split second before nodding.

“Alright, you got yourself a deal, Kirk. Call your ship, bring down your boys, and... whatever else ya need.”

Jim smirked, getting out his comm. 

“Kirk to Enterprise.”

_ “Enterprise. Scott here.” _

“Alright, Scotty, we got ourselves a deal with Krako.”

_ “We... we did, sir?” _

“Yeah, we’re ready to make the hit. Takin’ over the whole planet as soon as you get ready.”

_ “Uh... do you think that’s wise, sir?” _

“Sure! We can trust Krako, but we don’t have any  _ choice,  _ ya know what I mean? I mean, the guy’s standin’ about twelve feet in front of me, all ready to be our pal. Course, uh, I’d like to show him the ship, just to show him that we’re, uh, we’re on the level. But, well, you know how it is.”

Jim could hear whispers on the other end, and he was sure that at least one voice belonged to Nyota. 

_ “... Oh! Ah, aye, sir, I do. I know indeed.” _

“Yeah, well, we’ll need phasers to equip every one of Krako’s men. We’ll need advisors and troops to back him up on the hit too. Ya got all that, Scotty?”

_ “Aye, Captain. We’re preparing everything. It’ll be ready when you give the word.” _

“You may begin, Mr. Scott.”

_ “Acknowledged, Captain.” _

Less than a minute later, Krako dematerialized, beamed up to the ship where he’d be just as confused about everything as Spock probably was. When the guards tried to investigate, Spock and Jim pounced, knocking them out.

“Alright, let’s move. I’ll drive.”

Spock looked queasy.

“Captain, I am not sure that is wise.”

“What, you wanna drive?”

“As I have never operated a motor vehicle, that seems even more unwise.”

“Well, there ya have it.” Jim winked at him. “Don’t worry, I’ve gotten the hang of it now.”

Spock did not seem at all convinced, and even less so by the time they got back to Okmyx’s office.

Bones, on the other hand, looked relieved to see them, nearly dropping his gun.

“Jim-!”

“Not right now, Sawbones,” Jim interrupted, grabbing Okmyx by the lapels of his jacket and pushing him towards the desk. “I wanna talk to this creep. Now listen, I’m getting tired of playing patty-cake with you penny-ante operators, ya hear?”

“What d’ya mean, a penny-ante operator-?!”

“You’re a penny-ante operator, now sit down!” He said as he forced Okmyx into a chair. “You cover him, Spocko. Now listen, sweetheart, the Federation’s moving in. We’re takin’ over. You play ball, we’ll cut you in for a piece of the pie. You don’t, you’re out.  _ All  _ the way out, ya know what I mean?”

Jim took out his comm, calling Scotty and confirming that Krako had made it up alright and hadn’t done something stupid.

“Okay, baby, cool him until I flag ya, got it?”

_ “... Flag me?” _

Jim wanted to laugh about how  _ that  _ was the part of that statement Scotty was confused about, but he knew they didn’t have time.

“Keep him there until I send for him. We’re gonna be makin’ some old style phone calls from this locale, so you locate the man on the other end of the blower and give ‘em a ride to this flop.”

_ “... Sir, I understood none of that.” _

“For the love of- find the man on the other end of the phone and transport him to these coordinates! Can do, sweetheart?”

_ “Uh... can do, Captain. Standing by.” _

Thankfully, Scotty managed to beam the boss over from wherever he’d been, though the man looked utterly confused and terrified, handing his piece over to Spock when Spock pointed his gun at him.

“Hey, Captain, that ain’t fair-!”

“I would advise youse to keep dialin’, Okmyx.”

Jim blinked, then stared at his first officer, who turned a bit green and cleared his throat.

“It... it seemed logical to adopt the local accent and speech patterns, sir.”

Jim wasn’t sure about logical, but it  _ was  _ fucking adorable. If he wasn’t already sure he’d be seeing gangster-Spock in his dreams at some point, it was definitely gonna happen now.

“Of... Of course, Mr. Spock. You heard the man, Okmyx, get to it!”

Twenty minutes later, they’d ended up with all the bosses (and the guys they’d stolen clothes from) in one room, although the tables turned on them rather quickly.

“Well, now, just- just wait one minute here!” Jim shouted, keeping his hands in Krako’s line of sight. “Now, look, I know when to fold ‘em, but you gotta let me do one thing.”

“I don’t gotta do-!”

“My little girl’s up there on that ship, you got it? She’s six years old. Now, you might be a mobster, Krako, but are you such a monster that you wouldn’t let a man say goodbye to his daughter?”

Krako looked conflicted, but allowed the call.

“Ay, Scotty, this is Kirk. Now, I know not much  _ phases  _ Alice at this point, but I think I’ve got news that’ll  _ stun  _ her. She’s a real  _ fire- _ ball, ya know, and I hate to  _ burst  _ her bubble, but I ain’t  _ one  _ to  _ block  _ bad news  _ here.  _ So go get her for me, would ya?”

_ “Aye, right away, sir.” _

Jim held his breath, then let it out in relief when green light rained down from the sky and stunned the men out in the street.

“... Gee, that’s... that’s some trick.”

“Did you see that?!”

“They’re not dead, just knocked out for a little while,” Jim explained with a smirk. “Thanks for letting me make that last call to my little girl, by the way.”

“Why, you-! What kinda man makes up a daughter to trick somebody like that?”

“Oh, she’s plenty real.” Jim flipped open his communicator again. “Kirk to Enterprise. Is Alice there, Mr. Scott?”

_ “Aye, sir. I’ll put her on now.” _

_ “Hi, Daddy!”  _ Alice greeted.  _ “Did you need something?” _

“Nah, babydoll, but do I got a story to tell you later.”

_ “Daddy, what’s wrong with your voice? Do you need to blow your nose or something?” _

Jim flushed as Bones snickered, and even Spock’s lips twitched upward in amusement.

“Uh, no, buttercup, I’m fine. See you soon.”

_ “Kay! Love you!” _

“Love you too.” Jim smirked as he closed his comm. “Now, unless one of youse wants to see just how far I’ll go to get back to my little angel, I think we’ve got a deal to work out, yeah?”

 

* * *

 

Spock could not say he was not happy to see the planet disappearing from view.

“Now, what’s got you two all broody, huh?” Jim asked as he walked up to Spock and McCoy. “You two have been sulking ever since we got back to the ship.”

“Brooding, Captain?”

Jim rolled his eyes, though he was still smiling.

“Brooding, Mr. Spock. It’s a somber emotional state. Do you wanna continue it, or are you gonna talk to me? Cause I gotta tell you, it’s me or Alice, and I’m by far the less stubborn of the two of us.”

“Captain, I am neither brooding nor somber. However, I do have reservations about your solution to the problem of the Iotians.”

“Ah, yes, I understand that. You don’t think it’s logical to leave a criminal organization in charge.”

“It is highly irregular to say the least, sir. I am also curious as to how you propose to explain to Starfleet Command that a starship will be sent each year to collect our ‘cut.’”

Jim blinked, then looked down, rubbing his chin.

“Yeah, uh... I propose that our cut be put into the planetary treasury and used to guide the Iotians into a more ethical system. Despite themselves, they’ll be forced to accept conventional responsibilities.” He smirked up at Spock. “Isn’t that logical?”

Spock quirked an eyebrow, and the look on his face must have been rather disapproving, since that smirk fell quite quickly.

“Fine, I was bluffing the whole time, I didn’t actually have a plan from the beginning about this, but don’t you think Starfleet’ll buy it?”

Spock did not roll his eyes, no matter what Jim later claimed.

“Alright, Bones, in the language of the planet, what’s your beef?”

“Well, partially that you keep talking like that, but... I dunno how serious this is, Jim, but I think... I think I may have left it in Bela’s office in all the confusion.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow, as did Jim.

“Left what? You didn’t change clothes like me and Spock did, so I’m really hoping it’s not your underwear.”

McCoy gave Jim a withering look, then cleared his throat.

“I think I may have left my comm unit in Bela’s office.”

“... You did  _ what.” _

“Captain, if the Iotians, who are very bright and imitative people, should take that communicator apart-!”

“They will, and then they’ll find out how the transtator works-!”

“And since the transtator is the basis for every important piece of equipment-!”

“That we have! Dammit, Bones, do you know what you’ve done? Now the whole percentage is upset, and in a few years, the Iotians may demand a piece of  _ our  _ action!”

Spock blinked, and McCoy rolled his eyes.

“Dammit, Jim, will you cut it out with the gangster act?”

“Hell no, it’s fun!”

Spock was unsure if that was true or not, but some hours later, Jim had dropped the act, sheepishly explaining that he had once again referred to Alice as “babydoll” and received a withering look and a very stern “no.”

He could not deny that he found Alice’s power over her father to be somewhat amusing.

 

* * *

 

**2260.198**

When Spock had collapsed on the bridge after the death of the Intrepid crew, Jim had been worried, because one, he cared about Spock, two, Alice had also collapsed and was brought to sickbay by Lt. Farrows, and three, it precipitated an event wherein he nearly lost his XO/best friend/guy he was madly in love with.

So when Spock suddenly halted in the middle of handing a PADD to Jim and let it drop to the floor, a look of pure shock on his face, Jim was more than a little concerned.

“Spock?” He started softly, getting out of his chair. “Spock, are you alright?”

“I...” Something flashed in Spock’s eyes- actually, several things. Hurt, shock, even some anger, but mostly... grief. Grief and regret.

Jim’s heart hurt to see it.

“Spock, what’s the matter?”

Spock’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, becoming stone-faced as he folded his hands behind his back.

“It... it seems that there is... there is something I must attend to, sir. I request to be excused from the remainder of Alpha shift. I will take Beta shift to make up for it.”

Jim quirked an eyebrow.

“Uh... may I ask why you suddenly need to leave the bridge?”

Spock’s posture was somehow even straighter than usual, and Jim could literally see the tension in his shoulders. 

“It... it is a family matter, Captain. I would prefer not to discuss it at this time.”

Jim blinked, then felt his expression soften.

“Well... alright, Spock, but if you need someone to talk-!”

“Thank you, sir,” Spock stated quickly before all but sprinting out of the bridge. 

Jim blinked, then frowned, sitting back in his chair and leaning back.

Weird. The only other time he’d seen Spock run off in the middle of a shift like that was back when he’d been embarrassed and overstimulated, and even then there’d been signs something was wrong before he flipped out. Spock had seemed perfectly fine up until just a minute ago, and with that look in his eyes...

Well. Suffice to say, the mystery of Spock’s abrupt change in behavior was on Jim’s mind all through the rest of Alpha shift. By the time it was over, he was still puzzled, nearly running straight into Spock.

“Oh, uh, sorry, Spock.”

“It is of no consequence, sir.” Spock didn’t look any different at first glance, but upon closer inspection, Jim could’ve sworn that his eyes were rimmed with green, as if...

As if he’d been crying.

Which was, well, weird in and of itself, but it was also something that Jim, being as crazy about Spock as he was, couldn’t just dismiss.

“Hey, Spock, um, are you ok-?”

“I apologize, Captain, but I must be getting to my station,” Spock interrupted breezily as he walked past Jim. Jim stared after him for a moment, a demand for an explanation stuck in his throat, but eventually he swallowed it down, turning and walking into the turbolift.

He’d been concerned before, but now he was getting really worried. He’d only ever seen Spock cry twice- once because of the polywater thing, and once when Jim...

He grimaced. Well. If something really  _ had  _ made Spock cry, then it must have been serious.

He’d have to get the truth out of him later. Beta would be over before dinner, so he’d probably see him in the mess hall. 

He’d get the truth out of him then.

 

* * *

 

“Daddy?”

“Hm?”

“Daddy. Daddy, I’m hungry.”

“Hi, hungry, I’m Dad-!”

_ “Daddy.  _ You said it’s rude to eat before everyone else gets their food, so go get your food!”

Jim blinked, looking over at his daughter, who was sitting with a plate of spaghetti in front of her and looking rather cross with him. He grinned sheepishly, getting up and going to get some food from the replicator while keeping his eyes on the door to the mess hall.

Spock should have been there by now. He always showed up for dinner at 1800 hours and ate with Jim and Alice, and their friends whenever they had the same shift.

It was now 1817 hours, and no Spock. Something was definitely going on with him.

“Penny for your thoughts?” Alice asked as Jim sat back down. 

“Eh? Oh, uh... well...” Jim flushed a little, rubbing the back of his neck. “You, uh... you haven’t seen Spock today, have you?”

Alice arched an eyebrow in a truly Spock-like fashion.

“Don’t you know where Mr. Spock is?”

“Huh? Why would I know that?”

“Because you always know where he is. Pavel made a game about it, whoever gets you or Mr. Spock to say that the other is doing something embarrassing wins the round and everyone has to give them five credits.” Alice grinned. “I’ve won eight times!”

“Wh- Okay, one, where did you even get the money to enter a pool?”

“Birthday money.”

“You kept that?”

“I’m seven and I live on a starship, I don’t have to buy anything.”

“Huh. Well, okay, but two... wait, how many rounds have there been of this game?”

“Ten.”

Jim blinked, then quirked an eyebrow.

“Alice, have you been swindling my officers out of their money?”

Alice pursed her lips, looking a little too innocent.

“It’s not so much  _ swindling  _ as it is using their assumptions about my age and general demeanor to my advantage, Daddy.”

“Wh- okay, from now on, don’t take any advice from Chekov, you got it?”

“Aw... do we still get to do the game?”

“No.”

“Darn. But anyway, I haven’t seen Mr. Spock since breakfast.” Alice quirked an eyebrow. “Why? Did you do something to make him mad?”

“Wh-! No! Why would it be  _ my  _ fault?”

“Well, it’s either you, me, or Uncle Bones, and he’s been busy curing the Andorian flu outbreak all day.” She took a bite of her spaghetti, then swallowed. “Making him mad isn’t a very good way to make him like you, Daddy.”

Jim groaned, covering his face with his hands as his ears began to burn. 

“Not this again...” 

Ever since Jim had finally admitted to his daughter that he had feelings for Spock, and learned that she did in fact know the whole time, she’d been bugging him about asking Spock out already. He’d tried to explain to her that Spock didn’t return his feelings, but she kept insisting that he needed to try anyway, because he couldn’t know that for sure.

And, well, Jim hadn’t wanted to explain the whole  _ pon farr  _ thing, since that would inevitably lead to the Talk, and Jim  _ so  _ wasn’t ready to go there yet.

“Look, I... whatever he’s upset about, it doesn’t have anything to do with me. All I know is that he randomly dropped a PADD, asked to be excused from shift early because of some family thing, and then ran off and now he won’t talk to me.”

And also he kinda looked like he’d been crying, but he figured that was not a thing to tell Alice, who would probably track Spock down and try to hug him. 

Even if Spock looked like he needed a hug.

“Hm...” Alice took another bite of her dinner, then swallowed. “Well... why don’t you just ask him?”

“I  _ tried.  _ He won’t talk to me, remember?”

“Did you try to talk to him at shift change?”

“Yeah, why?”

“That’s why. He probably wanted to get to work. You should talk to him when he’s off duty for the night. That way, he won’t have anything else to do.”

Jim blinked, then grinned at his daughter.

“When did you get so smart?”

“I’ve always been smart, Daddy. Now eat your dinner before it gets cold.”

“Yes, Mom.”

 

* * *

 

As it turned out, it was a lot harder to catch Spock while he was off-duty than Jim had expected. An ensign in the science labs confirmed that he’d come down there after dinner time, but he hadn’t told anyone where he was going. Jim had asked everyone he could think of if they’d seen him, but it was always the same answer. He’d even tried Spock’s comm in a moment of desperate frustration, but it seemed that his first officer had turned the damn thing off.

Jim had run out of ideas, and quite frankly he was on the verge of tearing his hair out.

Then suddenly, clarity struck him, as if out of nowhere. He wasn’t sure how he knew, but... Spock was in his quarters. He was almost definitely in his quarters, which, while he’d ponder how he knew that later, was probably one of the first places Jim should have checked.

Spock didn’t react when he buzzed the door the first time. Nor did he the second time, and there was no request for identification to signal that he’d even heard the buzzes.

Normally, this was where Jim would have assumed that his first officer was meditating or something and left him be, but he’d been looking for the guy for like two hours now and he was more than a little frustrated with him. 

So he tried a third time. Then a fourth. Then he gave up on the buzzer and started knocking.

“Spock? Spock, it’s me. I know you’re in there, I need to talk to you.”

Silence.

“Spock, I don’t wanna use my captain’s override, but I’m worried about you, so if that’s what it takes-!”

The door finally opened, revealing a nearly normal-looking Spock.

Normal, save for the same green rim around his eyes and the slight green tint to his nose.

He’d been crying again, Jim realized as his heart sank.

“Captain. What is so urgent that you have come to my quarters this late, pray tell?”

“Late- dude, it’s only like, eight o’clock, even Alice’s bed time isn’t for like, an hour and a half. And I’m here because I’m worried about you, Spock.”

For a split second, Jim thought he saw Spock’s cheeks turn as green as his nose.

“I... that is unnecessary, sir-!”

“Oh, don’t you sir me, Spock, we’re off duty and I’m not speaking to you as your captain, I’m speaking to you as your friend.” He gestured to the inside of Spock’s quarters. “Can I come in?”

After a moment, Spock moved to the side, allowing Jim to walk into his quarters. As always, it was much warmer in there than it was in the rest of the ship, but this time things were slightly less... tidy. The bed wasn’t perfectly made, for example, and there were old books and some papers scattered around the room.

“What is it that you wish to discuss, Jim?”

“Well, you could start by telling me what you needed to do in the middle of Alpha shift today.”

Spock shifted, not looking Jim in the eye.

“I... I do not wish to concern you with-!”

“Spock, we’re friends, aren’t we?”

Spock blinked, glancing at Jim with surprise in his eyes.

“I consider you to be a close friend, yes.”

“Well, the thing about friends is, they tell each other stuff, especially when it comes to personal stuff, and you said it was a family matter.”

Spock looked away again.

“There... there has been a change, yes, but I do not think that telling you will-!”

“It might help if you talked about it, at least.”

“I have discussed this with both my sister and my mother, as well as the Ambassador.”

“Spock, c’mon, I... I just want to help you. Please?”

Spock looked almost guilty for a second before he swallowed.

“That... that is impossible.”

“You can’t know that for sure-!”

“Jim. I know for certain that for all your talents, you cannot bring back the dead.”

Jim blinked. 

“The... the dead? Spock, what happened? Who... who died? You said you talked to your mom and Michael, and the Ambassador too, so who else is there?”

“There is no one anymore, but... before today, there was my brother.”

Jim blinked once more, then felt his heart sink.

“Your... your brother? Sybok?”

“That is correct. The incident on the bridge during Alpha shift was a reaction to the fraternal bond between my brother and I breaking. I have conferred with my mother and sister, and they both have confirmed they felt their own bonds with him break as well. Since they all broke at the same time, I am certain that my brother has passed, since that is the only way for more than one bond breaking at one time to occur.”

“I... Spock, I’m so sorry...”

“There is nothing to apologize for, Jim. You are not the cause of his death, and furthermore, I have not spoken to my brother since I was thirteen years of age. While the breaking of a fraternal bond is often painful, especially when it is not expected, as I am a Vulcan, I do not feel sadness at his passing. Vulcans do not fear death as Humans do, in any case, as it is illogical to fear the completion of a journey.”

“Spock... Spock, you can’t tell me that you feel  _ nothing  _ about your brother dying.”

“Vulcans-!”

“I’m not talking about Vulcans, I’m talking about  _ you!  _ I know that you feel pain and grief, because you’ve been crying!”

Spock flushed a bit, though whether it was from anger or embarrassment, Jim couldn’t tell.

“Vulcans do not cry, Jim.”

“Bullshit they don’t, I’ve raised a Vulcan for nearly seven years at this point! And I know  _ you  _ can cry, Spock, because I saw the tears streaming down your face while I was-!”

_ “Stop!” _

Jim’s words died in his throat at the look on Spock’s face. His brow was furrowed, both anger and grief in those brown eyes of his, and a wave of guilt hit Jim hard.

“I... Spock, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to-!”

“Captain, I respectfully request that you vacate my quarters.”

Back to captain and a completely even tone. Jim was in big trouble now.

“Spock, I-!”

“Leave.  _ Now.” _

Jim wanted to protest, but Spock looked like he was about ten seconds away from picking Jim up and physically tossing him out of his quarters. He swallowed, bowing his head slightly as he silently walked out of Spock’s quarters, the door shutting behind him just before a total lockdown was initiated.

So much for helping Spock. He wouldn’t blame the guy if he didn’t talk to Jim for a week.

Hell, Jim would be lucky if he didn’t request a transfer or something.

God, he was an idiot.

 

* * *

 

_ “Hey, Spock! Spock, look at this!” _

_ Spock blinked, looking up from the PADD he’d brought along with him to the beach. Sybok was grinning from ear to ear, and there was a washed up tangle of ocean plants on his head. _

_ “I’m a seeeeeaaaa haaaaaaaaag, ooooooooh...” _

_ “You are an eleven-year-old Vulcan male, sa-kai. Also, I do not believe Mother will be pleased if she finds you with seaweed on your head again.” _

_ His brother frowned, taking the mass of plants off his head and holding it in his arms. _

_ “You’re seriously reading right now? We’re at the beach! The beach, Spock!” _

_ “I am aware of where we are. I see no reason to frolick as you are.” _

_ “Uh, because you’re a five-year-old kid?” _

_ “I am Vulcan. Frolicking is illogical.” _

_ Sybok groaned dramatically, turning around and flinging the seaweed back into the ocean before stalking back over to the blanket Spock was sitting on and rooting around in the bag he’d brought. _

_ “What are you doing?” _

_ “It’s something my mother and I used to do,” Sybok explained as he pulled out a small glass bottle, a pen, and a sheet of paper. He tore a strip off the top of the paper, then started to write something down. “She told me that if you write down a wish on a sheet of paper, then put that wish in a bottle and throw it into the sea, your wish will come true.” _

_ Spock quirked an eyebrow. _

_ “Why would throwing a bottle into the sea make a wish come true?” _

_ “Well, because you asked the sea.” _

_ “The sea is not a conscious being, and therefore cannot grant wishes. That would be illogical.” _

“You’re  _ illogical.” _

_ Spock bristled. _

_ “There is no reason to insult me, sa-kai.” _

_ Sybok stuck out his tongue at him, then pulled out another bottle. _

_ “Just try it, okay? It’s fun, and maybe your wish will come true!” _

_ Spock pursed his lips, then sighed, tearing off another strip of paper and writing down a “wish” before rolling it up and sticking it in the bottle. Sybok grinned, then declared he would race him to the shoreline, which, since Sybok was six years older and much taller than Spock, he won easily. He instructed Spock to wade into the water until he was up to his hips before he put the bottle in the water, which Spock did. They quietly watched the bottles float away as the sun began to set on the ocean in front of them. _

_ After a moment, Spock cleared his throat. _

_ “Since it will not come true-!” _

_ “Aw, come on, Spock, you don’t know that-!” _

_ “The ocean cannot grant wishes, sa-kai. Since that is the case, there is no harm in my telling you what I wished for-!” _

_ “Nope!” Sybok declared, covering his ears. “No way, not listening, lalalala!” _

_ “Sybok, it is illogical to-!” _

_ “If you tell me, it won’t come true-!” _

_ “I asked for you to remain my brother forever!” _

_ Sybok blinked, turning to look at Spock. He blushed, turning his gaze to the distorted view of his own feet in the water. _

_ “I... since it is illogical to wish for something that has no chance of being fulfilled, I wished for something that... that logically will always be true-!” _

_ His brother sniffed, then dove forward, pulling Spock into a hug. _

_ “I love you too, sa-kai!” _

_ “S... Sybok, we are Vulcans, such affection in public is- is unseemly and illogical-!” _

_ A large wave crashed overhead, and suddenly Spock was no longer in the water with his brother. Instead, he was on the shore, watching as his brother was swept out to sea. His head was just barely bobbing up above water, and Spock began to run. _

_ “Sybok!” _

_ No matter how many steps he took, he never seemed to reach the ocean. The sand stretched farther and farther out in front of him, and Sybok was getting farther and farther away, disappearing into the distance... his head was no longer fully above water now, just the top of his head and his hands, splashing and struggling to get out... _

_ “Sybok! Sa-kai, sa-kai-!” _

_ “T’kona!”  _

_ Spock turned, his eyes widening when he saw another version of himself, years older and enraged, standing at his side. _

_ “You are nothing but a traitor,” the other him snarled, hands clenched at his sides, “and you are no longer my brother. Leave this place, and never return!” _

_ “No!” Spock yelled. He was no longer a child, now, but his own age, and he was still running, still trying to get to the sea and save his brother. “No, I did not-! I did not mean that!” _

_ Sybok’s head had disappeared below the waves, his hand the only part of him above water. Even that was slowly sinking into the sea, going eerily still and limp. _

_ “Come back! Sybok, please, come back-!” _

Spock sprang upright in his bed, gasping for air as if he was the one who had been drowning. His eyes were burning, stinging as they had earlier, even as he had tried to keep himself from crying over this.

Death was not to be feared. Death was the completion of a life’s journey, it was not... it was un-Vulcan to feel...

He grimaced, then got out of bed, locating a jacket and his boots.

He needed to take a walk. His head would be more clear after a walk.

 

* * *

 

**2260.199**

Jim wasn’t entirely certain why he was out of bed at 0336 hours. He didn’t need to be awake, or even out of bed, for almost five hours, but... for some reason, he just couldn’t sleep.

Which was why he was walking around the ship in the middle of the night. Because that made sense to his sleep-deprived brain. 

He yawned as he walked onto the observation deck, nearly jumping out of his skin when he saw that he wasn’t alone.

“Spock? What are you doing up?”

Spock flinched, though he didn’t turn away from the window. 

“I was...” Spock sounded oddly hoarse, and the tips of his ears were green. “I found myself unable to sleep, sir.”

“Jim, it’s four in the goddamn morning, Spock.” Jim yawned as he walked over to one of the replicators to get some coffee. “And well, as you can see, you’re not the only one here who can’t sleep.”

“I do not believe consuming caffeine at this hour will help your insomnia, Jim.”

“Probably not, but I get the feeling I’m not gonna get back to sleep any time soon.” 

Spock didn’t reply to that. In fact, he didn’t speak at all for a good two minutes, which was as long as it took Jim to get a cup of the universe’s shittiest coffee and sit down at a nearby table.

Jim took a small sip of it, grimaced, then hesitated, sighing after a moment.

“Look, I’m... I’m sorry about earlier, Spock.”

“... To what are you referring?”

Jim blinked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Uh, the part where you told me that your brother died, I insisted that you were more upset than you were letting on, I said- or, well, almost said- something unnecessarily hurtful, then you threw me out of your quarters?” Jim sighed again. “I’m sorry, I... I shouldn’t have said anything. He was your brother, not mine, and I don’t get to dictate the way that you... mourn him...”

Jim trailed off when he noticed how Spock’s shoulders were shaking slightly.

“Hey, are... are you okay?”

“I-!” Spock’s voice cracked, and it was suddenly a lot rougher than it had been. “I am... I...”

Jim got up from the table, walking over to Spock and putting a hand on his shoulder. Spock turned to him, and while part of him was unsurprised to see the tears flowing down his cheeks, his heart still ached at the sight.

“Spock, hey, what’s wrong? Why... why are you crying?”

Spock swallowed thickly, taking a shallow, shuddery breath as he looked down at his hands. Jim noticed for the first time that he was clutching a partially crumpled strip of paper that had something scrawled on it in Vulcan.

“I... when... when I was a very young child, the... the first holiday where Sybok was a part of our family, we... we went to the shore of the Voroth Sea. I was five, he was eleven, and Michael was thirteen, and... he told me about something he used to do with his mother when they went to the sea. They... they would write something they wanted on a piece of paper, then put those wishes in bottles and... and let the sea wash those wishes away.” He sniffed, wiping at his eyes. “S... Supposedly, those wishes would be granted by the sea, or... that was what he told me when he did the same thing with me.”

“Spock...”

“After... after Sybok was banished from our planet, the next holiday I had, I asked for my mother to take me back to the sea. I... it was illogical, but I... I wrote down something I wanted and let the bottle drift out to sea once more, because...”

Tears were still flowing down Spock’s cheeks, dripping onto the paper and making the ink run. Jim wished he could hug him without it making things worse.

“I... I wished that... that my brother would return, because I... the last words I said to him were said in anger. I... I meant them in that moment, but once they were said, I... I regretted them. I still do.” Spock’s face contorted with grief. “And now... now I can never take them back. He died believing that I... that I hated him...”

“Spock... Spock, I’m sure he didn’t think that.”

“Jim, the... the last time we spoke, I... I told Sybok that he was no longer my brother, that he was nothing but a traitor and he should leave Vulcan and never return... I had been so angry with him, I could not... could not control my emotions, my words... and I have never been able to forget the look on his face. My brother was an emotional being, but I had... I had never seen him look so hurt before.”

“Spock...”

“I... I had always thought that... that there would be a day we would meet again. That I would still have a chance to... to take it back, to tell him I did not mean it, but I... I will never have that opportunity. I will... I will never have a brother again.”

Jim swallowed, his own throat tight and his eyes stinging with unshed tears.

“It’s... it’s okay, Spock. It’s okay to grieve, to... to regret things you’ve said. It’s okay to be upset about the death of someone you loved.”

“V... Vulcans do not... we do not fear death as Humans do. It... it is the completion of a journey, not... it is not something to be saddened over.”

Jim smiled gently.

“Well... then just this once, let your Humanity come to the forefront. Because I think that’s the part of you that needs to let this out. I promise, I won’t tell anyone.”

Spock looked at him for a moment before his face finally started to contort with grief and regret, the paper in his hands fluttering to the floor as he covered his face and began to sob in earnest. Jim stood by him through it all, never once moving his hand from Spock’s shoulder.

And if Jim’s own face became wet in the process, well.

No one needed to know that, did they?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't worry, this isn't the last we'll see of Spock's hippie older brother. Mostly because I feel like that's a part of Star Trek history that's been severely underutilized. I know the movie he was in wasn't... great, but come on! 
> 
> Also, Ash Tyler and Saru are on the Discovery somewhere, I just couldn't work them into scenes. I like a lot of things about Discovery, but the latter half of the first season is, for me, an exercise in both "why did you think this was a good idea" and "just because you CAN be dark doesn't mean you SHOULD be dark." So, fuck that! Everyone lived! The End!
> 
> Well, maybe not Lorca. I don't really care about Lorca.
> 
> Guest Starring:  
> Dr. Hugh Culber- Wilson Cruz  
> Winona Kirk- Michelle Pfeiffer  
> Paul Stamets- Anthony Rapp  
> Sylvia Tilly- Mary Wiseman  
> Airiam- Sara Mitch  
> Michael Burnham- Sonequa Martin-Green  
> Bela Okmyx- Justin McElroy  
> Krako- Travis McElroy  
> Tepo- Griffin McElroy, look it was a very silly episode and I thought of the McElroys a lot during it
> 
> Vulcan to English-  
> Nuh'mau-wak- it has been too long since I last saw you  
> Sa-kai- brother  
> T'kona- go from this place alone; can also mean "leave Vulcan, do not come back"
> 
> That's it for this chapter! Next chapter will be "the Ultimate Computer," which I'll warn you now has a cheesy-ass monologue from Spock to Jim in it (that was in the original episode), and a time-travel original story wherein two idiots will get their shit together. That'll be it for season 2, after which will be season 3, followed by Beyond and an epilogue! Thanks for sticking with me so far, and thank you for your kind comments! They're always appreciated!
> 
> See you tomorrow!


	7. Chapter 7

**2260.213**

Jim had to admit, it was a little hard to be mad about the whole M-5 thing when the creator of the computer was so damn _nice._

Although with the way that Spock and Daystrom were getting along, he also had to admit that he might be getting a little bit... jealous.

He could see the appeal, of course- there were few men alive that were actually taller than Spock, and fewer still were Humans. Those broad shoulders didn’t hurt matters, and the guy could easily keep up with Spock’s questions about the M-5.

Which, y’know. Jim totally could’ve done.

Maybe not about the computer, but they’d had plenty of interesting intellectual discussions before, right?

But he totally wasn’t sulking about it. No way.

So what if Spock had a little crush on Daystrom? It wasn’t like Jim had any right to object to... to him liking another guy.

He was kinda glad that Alice wasn’t here to see this, though. She’d _definitely_ object to Spock flirting with someone who wasn’t her dad, and then the cat would be out of the bag and everything would be _ruined._

Okay, so maybe ruined was an exaggeration, but it would be _awkward as fuck._

“Did you see the love light in Spock’s eyes?”

Jim blinked as he walked out of the Engineering bay, looking over at Bones.

“Eh?”

“Looks like the right computer finally came along, huh?”

_Or the right guy._

Jim swallowed, not looking at Bones anymore.

“What’s the matter, Jim? You’re not really jealous of a bunch of wires and circuit boards, are ya?”

Jim’s ears started to burn as he leveled a withering look at his friend.

“No, of course not.”

“Really? Cause I gotta say, you’re looking a little green over there.”

“Oh, shut up, it’s... it’s not about Spock.” Not completely, anyway. “I just... I think that thing in there is wrong, and I can’t... I’m not sure why.”

“Well, yeah, I think it’s wrong too,” Bones started as they headed for the lift, “replacing men with mindless machines.”

“No, not like that, I... I’m kinda getting, like, a red alert back here,” Jim explained, pointing to the back of his head. “That thing is dangerous. I feel... I know that only a fool stands in the way of progress, but I’m not sure this _is_ progress. You have my psych profiles, _am_ I afraid of losing my job to that computer?”

“We’ve all seen the advances of mechanization, kid. And Daystrom _did_ design the computer to run this ship.”

“Yeah, but under Human control.”

Bones sighed, shaking his head.

“We’re all sorry for the other guy when he loses his job to a machine, but when it comes to _your_ job, it’s different, and it always will be.”

“Well... am I afraid of losing command to a computer? I mean, Daystrom was right, I can do lots of other stuff. I’m a pretty good engineer, and I could probably teach at the Academy or something if I had to. Am I just afraid of losing the power and prestige and-?”

“And the hobgoblin? I saw that look on your face when he was talking to Daystrom, Jim, and that’s what we in the medical profession like to call ‘jealousy.’”

Jim flushed, crossing his arms as they got into the lift.

“I... Spock can date whoever he wants, Bones, he’s not my boyfriend.”

“Yeah, cause you’re still too chickenshit to ask him out already. And if you don’t act fast? You’re gonna lose him.”

Jim groaned, leaning back as the lift stopped at the medbay.

“What am I even supposed to say?”

Bones chuckled as he got out.

“Why don’t you ask James T. Kirk? He’s a pretty smart guy.”

The doors closed before Jim could respond to that.

 

* * *

 

Spock had noticed something he found odd about Jim. Ever since Dr. Daystrom had come aboard, the captain had become irritable, defensive, and overall was rather hostile to Daystrom and seemed unhappy about the M-5’s presence on the ship.

He was uncertain as to why, though. There had been nothing he’d observed in Daystrom and Jim’s interactions that would have justified this change in behavior on Jim’s part, and the M-5 was a revolutionary, brilliant example of computer programming and artificial intelligence.

Yet Jim was still unhappy.

“My orders are subject to _my_ interpretation as to how long the M-5 is in control, and I’ll run the ship in my own way if you don’t mind, Dr. Daystrom.”

Daystrom did seem to mind, but still smiled apologetically before turning back to the console. Spock pursed his lips momentarily, then stood, walking over to Jim’s side.

“Captain, I am forced to agree with Dr. Daystrom-!”

Jim snorted.

“Yeah, sure, _forced.”_

Spock blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“Please clarify your meaning, sir.”

Jim looked over at Spock with what he assumed was meant to be a wry smile, but instead seemed a bit... crestfallen.

“C’mon, Spock, you’re... you’re being a little obvious, don’t you think?”

Spock’s heartbeat fluttered, his stomach twisting as he fought back a flush.

There was... had Jim discovered Spock’s true feelings towards him? How could he have discerned it? Surely Spock had never been that obvious...

“... About what, Captain?”

“Uh, the little crush you’ve got on Dr. Daystrom?”

He blinked once more before relief and disappointment both flowed through him.

“A... crush, sir?”

“Y’know, an infatuation. Look, I get it, he’s... he’s good-looking and smart and can keep up with your technobabble even better than I... well. I get why you’d be into him, really. But you don’t have to take his side on _everything.”_

“Captain, I have known Dr. Daystrom personally for only three point one seven hours. That is not nearly enough time for a romantic bond of any sort to be formed-!”

“I’m not talking about getting married or anything, Spock. You’ve got the hots for the guy, that’s all.”

The tips of Spock’s ears began to burn- thanks to Michael, he was already well aware of what “the hots” meant, and well... the term applied much more accurately to his feelings for Jim.

“I assure you, sir, you are mistaken. I find Dr. Daystrom to be a brilliant scientist, yes, but I do not hold any sort of romantic regard for him.”

“What? Why not?”

Spock cleared his throat, fighting back another flush.

“Several reasons, chief among them being that... that I already hold a romantic regard for someone else.”

He was unsure if he truly wanted Jim to understand the true meaning of that or not. Well, he did, but only if... only if there was a chance that he would reciprocate.

Which he was still unsure that he would, despite Michael’s claims that he did.

Whatever the case, Jim didn’t seem to catch his meaning, and he actually began frowning at that point.

“Oh, uh... is... is it someone I know?”

“Yes. Quite well. It... it is someone you see every day, and are... are quite close to.”

Jim blinked, then looked entirely shocked.

“W... Wait, Spock, do you... please don’t tell me you’ve got a thing for _Bones_ of all people!”

Spock blinked.

“D... Dr. McCoy?”

“Spock, listen, I know he’s a handsome guy and actually kind of a sweetheart when you get to know him, but trust me, I’ve asked and he’s about as straight as they come.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward involuntarily.

“While I am curious as to the nature of that inquiry, you are mistaken. I do not hold any romantic regard for Dr. McCoy.”

Jim blinked once more, then looked immensely relieved.

“Oh, thank god, that would have been _so_ awkward.” He blinked once more. “Wait, if it’s not Bones, then who-?”

“Captain, I believe this would be a conversation best saved for later.” Much later. Possibly never. “My agreement with Dr. Daystrom comes from the fact that with the course information plotted into it, his computer could have brought us here as easily as the navigator. In fact, it might have been a further demonstration of M-5’s capabilities.”

Jim deflated slightly, sighing and shaking his head.

“You seem to enjoy trusting yourself to the computer, Mr. Spock.”

“Enjoy, Captain? No. I’m merely gratified to see Dr. Daystrom’s new unit execute everything required of it in such a highly efficient manner. It is another distinguished triumph for his career.”

Jim scoffed, and Spock thought he heard him mutter something about not being convinced that Spock did not have feelings for Daystrom. Before Spock could further refute that- and possibly say things he could not ever take back- Chekov informed them that they were approaching their destination. At first, Jim tried to make landing party recommendations, but Daystrom insisted that they at least look at M-5’s recommendations, which were almost the same as Jim’s save for a differing member and the fact that Jim and Dr. McCoy were not recommended.

He was not fond of the way Jim’s face fell when the computer announced that he was not needed.

However, the machine’s choices were flawlessly logical, and he could not fault the machine for drawing power from unnecessary sectors.

But when he saw the look on Jim’s face when the machine performed perfectly in the mock attack, he was unable to claim he was satisfied with the progress of this experiment.

“Evaluation of M-5 performance, it’ll be necessary for the log,” Jim muttered.

“The ship reacted more rapidly than any Human control ever could. Tactics, deployment of weapons all indicate an immense sophistication in computer control.”

Jim chuckled dryly.

“Machine over man, Spock? It was impressive, yeah. Might even be more practical than having a Human in charge, huh?”

Spock could no longer stand to see Jim depressed like this.

“Practical, Captain? Perhaps. But not desirable.”

Jim blinked, both of his eyebrows rising.

“Computers make excellent and efficient servants, but I have no wish to serve under them. Captain, a starship also runs on loyalty to one man, and nothing can replace it or him.”

Jim blinked, then slowly started to smile, and in that moment, Spock was tempted to throw caution to the wind and finally confess everything, to confess that he would follow Jim wherever he went, consequences be damned, because he-!

“Captain, message now coming in from Commodore Wesley.”

Spock held his tongue once more as the captain took the message, and he knew the moment had most certainly passed once Wesley referred to Jim as “Captain Dunsel.”

Had he not been more controlled, Spock may have attempted to contact Wesley once more and inform him, in detail, why James T. Kirk was as far from a “useless part” as possible.

He also would have called the commodore some choice expletives that would certainly get him court martialed.

He cared less about that possibility, so long as it would have made his _t’hy’la_ feel better. He never wanted to see such a look of resignation on Jim’s face ever again.

The M-5 may have been more efficient, yes, but any machine that made Jim look like that was not a machine he wanted on board the Enterprise.

 

* * *

 

“Soooo...” Jim started as he sidled up to Spock on the observation deck. “Wild day, huh?”

“Considering that the M-5 caused both the deaths of an entire starship and the breakdown of Dr. Daystrom, I would indeed say that this day has been quite wild.”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“You shoulda seen the look on Bones’ face when you told him that watching a computer with his memory as a base would have been entertaining to watch because of how illogical it would be. I seriously thought he was gonna pop!”

“I did not know that an overflow of anger- or any emotion- could allow Humans to explode.”

Jim laughed again.

“Oh, you know what I mean.”

Spock’s lips twitched upward.

“Perhaps.”

They were both silent for a moment, watching the stars go by.

“... Hey, Spock?”

“Yes, Jim?”

“... Thanks. For, uh, for what you said on the bridge earlier. About... about how you’d prefer to serve under me than under a computer.”

“You do not have to thank me, Jim. I was simply stating the truth.”

“Well... it’s still what I needed to hear right then, y’know? I have to admit, this whole M-5 thing kinda got me down. I’m just glad we left Alice over on the Starbase, cause I don’t think she’d have taken that ‘Dunsel’ thing lying down.”

“She is aware of the meaning?”

“Course she is, she practically learned to read through my Academy homework. How now, brown cow, I am Sam, Sam I am, as late as the 2150’s the warp five engine was still known as the gravimetric field displacement manifold, et cetera, et cetera.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward again.

“Unconventional methods to say the least.”

“Yeah. Y’know, she gave me the idea of disabling the Klingons in your test.”

Spock blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“Well, she was there when me and Gaila- oh, don’t look at me like that, she admitted that she was involved and she’d happily tell you now- she was there when we were brainstorming, and she suggested that we feed a tribble, beam it over to the ship, and wait.”

“Is that not the solution that she and Mr. Scott came up with when our own ship was infested with tribbles?”

“Minus the food thing. She was pretty damn smug about how her idea worked, y’know. Honestly, it was a good idea, but I couldn’t use it because I wasn’t sure how to explain where I got the tribble. I wanted it to be a little more subtle than that, so I’d have the best chance of beating the test.”

Spock hummed, turning back to the stars. Jim frowned.

“Hey... you’re not still angry about that mess, are you?”

“It has been over two years since it happened, Jim. You and I are not the same people we were then, and I did not know you as I do now. It would be illogical to still be upset about the Kobayashi Maru, especially since that version of the test is no longer being run.”

“What, cause I cracked it?”

“Yes. I believe they used the data from your hacking to ward off any other students who had a similar idea to you.”

“Eh, I’d figure it out again. Maybe I’d use the tribble idea this time.”

“You are a captain, why would you retake the-”

“Kidding, Spock.” Jim paused, a thought occurring to him. “Hey... not to change the subject, but you never _did_ tell me who it is that you like.”

Spock made a tiny strangled noise, his ears turning bright green.

“I-! I do not see how that is-!”

“Oh, come on, Spock, friends dish to each other about their crushes all the time.” Even if one friend was stupidly, hopelessly in love with the friend who was crushing on someone else and it hurt like crazy to know it. “Spill. Is it... Sulu? He’s married, y’know, and I think Demora might not be into her daddy being in love with anyone other than her papa.”

“It is not Sulu.”

“... Chekov? He’s a little young, dude.”

“It is not Chekov either.”

“Hm... M’Benga? He does know a lot of stuff about Vulcans.”

“It is not M’Benga, and I would prefer not to-!”

“Scotty?”

“No, and-!”

“It’s not _Keenser,_ is it? I don’t even know how that would work-!”

“Jim, it does not _matter_ who it is!” Spock finally shouted. Jim leaned back, his eyebrows rising as he stared at Spock, who promptly turned bright green and looked away.

“Spock...?”

“It... It does not matter who the object of my... my affections is, Jim, because... he does not return my regard for him. Not in that way.”

Jim blinked, then felt his own heart start to sink.

“What? But... Spock, are you sure?”

“Yes. I am positive that he does not... that he would never feel the way I do about him. As such, I... I do not plan to ever tell him the truth. I am content to... to be his friend.”

Well. Now Jim felt like an asshole for bringing it up at all.

“Spock...” He sighed, turning to the window again. They stood in silence for a moment. “... well, whoever he is, he must be a real dumbass if he doesn’t see how great you are.”

He could’ve sworn he heard Spock snort.

“I must disagree with you there, Jim. He is... he is one of the greatest men I have ever met. I am gratified that we are as close as we are, even if... even if our relationship will never be what I wish it was.”

Jim bit his lip, unable to force himself to look at Spock.

“You’re pretty great too, y’know,” he muttered.

“Pardon?”

“I...” Jim swallowed, glancing at Spock out of the corner of his eye.

This was it. This was the perfect moment to tell him the truth. Tell him that he deserved to love and be loved by someone as wonderful as he was, but if... if he’d settle for Jim, then...

Then Jim would never forgive himself for holding Spock back. It would be selfish to ask this of him.

“Jim?”

“It’s... nothing, Spock,” Jim finally said as he turned away from the window, stretching as he started to walk towards the turbo lift. “Think I’ll turn in early tonight, yeah?”

“Very well. Goodnight, Jim.”

_I love you! I love you! I love you! Please love me back, even though I don’t deserve you, even though you deserve better than a single dad with enough baggage to sink the Titanic!_

“Night, Spock,” Jim said instead.

Some starship captain he was. He was still too much of a coward to be honest with his own XO.

 

* * *

 

**2260.270**

Everyone groaned as the ship stabilized. Jim’s head was throbbing as he sat up, wincing in pain.

“What the fuck was that all about?”

“Un... unclear as of yet, sir.” Spock frowned at his console. “It... it appears that we have been displaced by the irregularity in the warp sequence.”

“Well, where are we? Sulu?”

“Uh... I don’t know, sir. I’m... I’m not even sure _when_ we are.”

“... Say what?”

“Well, either my chronometer’s gone kaput, or we’re currently at stardate 0000.00.”

“... Are you saying we’re at the dawn of time as we know it?”

“Well, I was, but now we’re at stardate 1316.117. It... it keeps changing.”

“Changing? How the hell-?”

“Captain, receiving a communication request from another ship.”

“What other ship?”

Nyota looked at her console, then shrugged.

“I... I can’t tell. Their comm number isn’t in my database.”

Jim frowned.

“... Patch them through, audio only.”

“Aye, sir. Patching through now.”

After a moment, there was a beep, signifying they’d made contact.

“This is Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise. Who’s this?”

_“This is Captain Alura Jamison, and you can’t possibly be Captain Kirk of the USS Enterprise.”_

Jim blinked.

“And why’s that?”

_“Because James T. Kirk was promoted to Admiral ten years ago, and you can’t be on the Enterprise because I’m captain of the USS Enterprise-B.”_

Jim blinked again, arching an eyebrow.

“I’m pretty sure I’d know if I was promoted to Admiral when I was seventeen, ma’am. And this vessel is only on year one of her five year mission, and only about two years old besides. It would be kinda weird if there were two other Enterprises already.”

_“... Captain Kirk, what’s the stardate?”_

“Last I checked? 2260.270.”

Jamison was silent on the other end.

“Hello?”

“Captain, Jamison’s requesting visual contact.”

“Uh... patch her through, I guess?”

Seconds later, the window in front of him changed to reveal a dark-skinned woman in an Command gold uniform sitting in a captain’s chair.

A captain’s chair that looked exactly like his.

Jim blinked, as did Jamison.

“Uh. What?”

_“Huh. That’s... that’s unexpected.”_

“Captain,” Spock started, “I am unable to locate their vessel, even though they must be in communications range.”

_“Hold on one moment, Commodore Spock.”_

Spock looked as confused as Jim felt for a split second as the screen cut out, though Jim was distracted seconds later when the space in front of their ship started to shimmer and get all wavy, slowly revealing... well, slowly revealing another Enterprise.

Only much, _much_ bigger.

_“Admiral Kirk, I think we’ve got some things to discuss.”_

“Y... Yeah, I think you might be right about that...”

 

* * *

 

The first thing Jim noticed about the other Enterprise was that their beaming system was a lot better than theirs- the process was almost instantaneous, and somehow Scotty, who had been practically bouncing off the walls after he’d heard the words _warp eleven,_ didn’t get all scrambled for beaming while moving.

The second thing was that their transporter room was way bigger than theirs and could probably have fit a lot more people in it at once.

He might have been a little jealous.

“Fascinating,” Spock murmured. “Their transporter system appears to be even more efficient than ours.”

“Yeah, well, I’m still not sure I buy that they’re from the _future._ Maybe it’s just... an alternate timeline, or something.”

The doors to the transporter room opened, revealing Jamison and a Caitian in science blues.

“Admiral Kirk, Commodore Spock. I see you’ve brought along Dr. McCoy, as well as Captains Uhura and Scott.”

“Captain?” Both Nyota and Scotty said at the same time. Nyota seemed pleased, and Scotty seemed more than a little distressed.

“Do not be alarmed, Captain Scott, there is a reason that your nickname is the ‘Captain of Engineering.’”

Scotty looked relieved, and Jim arched an eyebrow.

“Should you really be telling us this, Captain Jamison? I mean, if you’re really from the future, won’t us having these- these spoilers mess everything up?”

“So long as I don’t inform you of how you attain your ranks, nor the nature of our warp systems, I don’t think that we’ll be doing much harm here.”

“Aw... can I at least look at them?” Scotty asked.

Jamison’s lips quirked up.

“That will be up to our Chief Engineer, whom I’m sure you’ll find a convincing argument for us being from the future, Admiral. Ensign M’Ress, please inform her that we’ll be coming down, so don’t blow anything up in the next ten minutes.”

“Aye, ma’am,” M’Ress said before leaving the bay.

“Wait, that was an ensign? Where’s your first officer?”

“On the bridge.” Jamison quirked an eyebrow. “Generally, when the captain is occupied, it is the first officer’s job to take command, Admiral.”

Jim flushed, crossing his arms defensively.

“Y-Yeah, well, I... I prefer to have Spock around.”

Jamison’s lips quirked again.

“Yes, we’re all well aware of that, sir.” She turned away from them before he could question her. “Shall we? I believe all the proof you’ll need that I’m telling the truth is in the Engineering deck.”

Jim wasn’t totally sure he bought into her story, but he didn’t see the harm in going along with it, as she didn’t seem hostile just yet.

The ship was a lot bigger than their Enterprise, which was... a little unnerving, honestly. There was also a lot more diversity, species-wise- he wasn’t totally sure he _recognized_ some of the species the people they passed by were.

However, he did recognize one species in particular- Vulcans. Lots and lots of Vulcans.

“Spock, I thought most Vulcans went into the Vulcan Science Academy,” Bones commented.

“In the past, yes, but if we truly are on a ship from the future, given that many Vulcans have joined Starfleet in the wake of Vulcan’s destruction and the slow rebuild of the VSA, it is logical that there would be more Vulcans in Starfleet in this time period.”

Jim snorted.

“You’re really buying into the whole future thing, huh?”

“I see no reason to doubt Captain Jamison so far, sir.”

“Yeah, well, I’m gonna see what evidence she has first before I make up my mind.”

Eventually, they did make it to the Engineering bay, wherein Jim noticed three more things.

One, it was again a lot bigger than his ship’s.

Two, there was 80’s music playing from somewhere, and it was _loud._

And three, someone was singing along equally as loudly.

And really, _really badly._

_“All I know is that to me, you look like you’re lots of fun, open up your loving arms, watch out, here I come! You spin me right round, baby, right round, like a record baby, right round round round!”_

“Is someone strangling a cat down there?” Scotty asked, wincing a bit.

“No, that would be our Chief Engineer,” Jamison explained before walking over to the ledge in front of them. “Lieutenant Commander?”

_“I want your loooooOOOOoooooOOOove!”_

“Lieutenant Commander.”

_“I want your loooooOOOOOooooOOOoove! Bah dah, bah bah-!”_

“Lieutenant Commander!” Jamison shouted. There was a yelp, followed by a crash and the music cutting off abruptly.

“I’m okay!” A woman called from down below. “What can I do you for, ma’am?”

“You can come up here, there are some people I’d like you to meet. Didn’t you get my message?”

“Uh...” A PADD beeped. “Oops. Sorry, I was kinda in the middle of cleaning up the last of last week’s ink monster incident.”

“It looked to me like you were dancing.”

“I can do both! Anyway, you sure you want me up there? I think I might have actually gotten ink up my-!”

 _“Now,_ Lieutenant Commander,” Jamison ordered, sounding exasperated yet fond.

“Okay, okay!” Jim could hear the sound of regulation boots on a metal ladder as Jamison moved away. “Y’know, ensigns probably wouldn’t call you Mom all the time if you weren’t so... authoritative...”

Jim’s eyes went wide when Jamison’s chief engineer popped her head up over the ledge, watching as she climbed up to the platform in silence.

In front of him was a young woman, maybe five foot four. Her Engineering red uniform was covered in ink stains, and her curly brown hair had been cut to chin length.

Oh, and she had big, blue eyes. _Kirk_ blue eyes.

Plus, there was the whole thing about her having green skin and pointy ears, which were still a little big for her head.

Still. As if this was actually... there was just no way...

“Huh,” the woman said, tilting her head slightly. “I don’t get it.”

Okay, so it definitely _was_ her.

“A... Alice,” Jim managed, his throat suddenly feeling tight. “Alice, buttercup, how are you...? How is this possible?”

Alice immediately turned bright green, giving him a look that he’d seen on his own mother more than once.

 _“Dad,_ I’m twenty-seven! Stop calling me that!”

“Twenty-se-! No, no, see, there’s no way that _you’re_ twenty-seven, you know why? _I’m_ twenty-seven! And also, I saw you like forty-five minutes ago, and you were seven years old!”

“Perhaps it is time to admit that we have, in fact, travelled in time, Captain,” Spock suggested.

“I-! This isn’t-! I mean, we’ve time-travelled before, but we’ve never gone-!” Jim finally threw his hands in the air. “Fine! Fine, fuck it, we’ve gone to the future, are you happy?”

“I am Vulcan. I do not feel happiness.”

Jim knew that he was just teasing him, but he glared at him anyway as the grown-up Alice scoffed.

“Ugh, no one buys that old nonsense anymore, Pa-!” She blinked, turning green again as her eyes went wide. “Uh, I mean...”

Jim quirked an eyebrow, as did Spock. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Jamison glaring at her.

“That’s, uh... Pock! Mr. Pock!” Alice grinned nervously. “S-Sorry, uh, slip of the tongue.”

“... Alice, I have known you since you were four years of age. Never once have you referred to me as ‘Mr. Pock.’”

“Give me a break, I’m a little flustered here! I mean, it’s not every day that younger versions of my family walk into my Engineering bay!”

 _“Your_ Engineering bay?” Scotty asked. Alice gave him a cheesy grin, and Jim was pretty sure if she had any, she’d be pulling on her suspenders with her thumbs like an old-timey politician.

“Yup! You’re looking at Lieutenant Commander Alice Kirk, Starfleet’s youngest ever Chief Engineer... Dad. Dad, please stop crying.”

 

* * *

 

**2280.270**

“I can’t believe this,” Jim commented as he took another bite of his lasagna. “I can’t believe you’ve actually managed to make replicated food taste good.”

“Well, they’re not exactly standard issue,” Alice explained as she sat down across from him. “It took a lot of tinkering to get a replicator that made food that didn’t taste like crap. I did get a commendation from the brass for it, though. I think they’re gonna implement my design into new starships, too.”

Jim grinned at her, reaching over the table and ruffling her hair.

“That’s my girl.”

Alice gave him a look as she straightened her hair out.

“Dad. I’m twenty-seven.”

Jim laughed, although that, plus the fact that she wasn’t calling him ‘Daddy’ anymore, made his heart hurt.

“I know, but you’ll always be my little smarty-pants, Alice.”

She rolled her eyes, then sat up straight, looking a little tense as she cleared her throat.

Jim quirked an eyebrow.

“Something on your mind?”

“Well... I want to tell you something. From my point of view, I told you this a long time ago, but, well, I didn’t really get to tell you the way I wanted, and-!”

“Alice. Just tell me.”

Alice hesitated for a second, then took a deep breath.

“Dad... Dad, I’m gay.”

Jim blinked, then smiled a little.

“Hi, gay, I’m Dad. And also, pan.”

Alice blinked, then bristled, giving him a look.

“Dad, now is _not_ the time for- wait, are... are you not surprised?”

“Not really.”

“But... but I’m _seven_ from your point of view!”

“Buttercup, when you were three you told me you were gonna marry Nyota,” Jim explained before taking another bite of his lasagna. “I’m guessing I wasn’t too surprised when you told me at an older age, huh?”

Alice blushed, crossing her arms.

“Well, uh... that may have had less to do with my apparent crush on Nyota- which, by the way, I totally forgot about til now- and the fact that I stumbled over the word ‘lesbian’ three times before I finally just shouted ‘girls’ at the top of my lungs.”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“May I inquire as to what is so funny, Captain?” Spock asked as he sat down next to Jim.

“Oooooh, he called you Captain,” Alice sing-songed before Jim could reply. “You’re in trooooouuuubleeee...”

“I am?”

“Why would my usage of your father’s rank indicate that he is in trouble?”

Alice blinked, then blushed a little and cleared her throat.

“Oh, uh, right, you’re from the past, uh... forget I said anything. Anyway, Spock, I just came out to my dad again.” She gave Jim a look. “And he replied with a dad joke.”

Jim frowned, glancing at Spock before looking back at his daughter and jabbing a thumb in Spock’s direction.

“Uh, buttercup, you sure you want him to know too?”

“First, Dad, twenty-seven, stop calling me that, and two, from my point of view he’s known as long as you have. Besides, I already know he’s gay too.”

Jim blinked, his eyebrows rising up to his hairline.

“Wait, really?”

“When did I tell you that?” Spock asked.

Alice flinched, clearing her throat and tugging at her collar.

“Uh, well, you... you really didn’t have to, but you came out to me explicitly when I came out to you.”

“Huh. How old were you, anyway?”

“Seventeen. I’d been pretty sure for a year at that point, but I wasn’t really ready to be, y’know, _out_ til then.” She smiled. “You guys were cool about it, though.”

“Course we were, we’re not exactly shining examples of heterosexuality ourselves,” Jim deadpanned before scooping up the last of his lasagna into his mouth.

Alice snorted.

“Yeah, no shit, Dad.”

Jim quirked an eyebrow.

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

Alice blinked, then flushed a little, stuttering uselessly for a good minute before abruptly standing up.

“Hey, uh, Dad! Why, why don’t I show you the bridge, huh? I-I think you’d really like it!”

Before Jim could protest, she’d grabbed him by the wrist and was pulling him along, leaving Spock alone at the table.

“What’s going on with you?” He asked as she dragged them to the turbo lift. “You’ve been acting weird about Spock all day.”

“Whaaat? No I, no I haven’t! Why would I be weird about Pa- S-Spock?”

Jim quirked his eyebrow again.

There it was again. That strange “pah” sound that she kept making in reference to Spock.

Why did she keep doing that? What was she always about to call him?

Before Jim could ask, they arrived on the bridge, much to Alice’s apparent relief.

“Welp, here we are! The bridge of the USS Enterprise-B! This is where the magic happens, according to Starfleet.” Alice shrugged. “Personally, I’d say the magic happens down in Engineering, but what do I know?”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“Oh, hey, there’s our first officer. You didn’t meet her yet, right?”

“Can’t say I have.”

Alice grinned, pulling him over to a console on the right of the captain’s chair and tapping a tall woman in Science blues on the back.

“Hey, you,” Alice greeted, her voice... oddly flirtatious. “Dad, this is our wonderful, amazing, perfect first officer, Commander Luka... ra... Dad?”

The second the woman at the console turned around, Jim’s heart stopped, a cold feeling spreading in his chest. The woman was tall, her dark hair curling around her face, although her hair line was high due to a certain feature.

That feature being her cranial ridges.

“Alice,” Jim started as evenly as he could, “Alice, why is there a _Klingon_ on this ship?”

His daughter was looking at him like he’d sprouted a second head.

“Commander Lukara is the first officer of this vessel, as well as our chief science officer.”

“She’s a _Klingon.”_

“That I am,” Lukara finally said, her expression carefully neutral. “Is there a problem with that, Admiral Kirk?”

“Yeah, since Klingons are enemies of the Federation!”

“In your time period, yes,” Lukara responded, still irritatingly calm. “However, at this point in time, that has not been the case for-!”

Alice cleared her throat, giving the Klingon a pointed look.

“No spoilers, remember?”

“Ah, yes. My apologies. Still, I assure you, I am dedicated to the well-being of this ship,” Lukara paused for a moment, giving Alice a... strangely tender look, “and all of the officers aboard it.”

Alice smiled, the tips of her ears going green.

“Forgive me if I don’t believe you,” Jim replied coldly, crossing his arms. “And Alice, I would think you’d be a little more cautious around Klingons. You’ve seen what they can do.”

Alice blinked, then gave him a hard look.

“Dad, can I speak with you in private?”

Jim glared over at Lukara, who still had an utterly neutral expression on her face.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think we should.”

 

* * *

 

The last thing Spock had wished to do was walk in on an argument between Jim and the now-grown Alice.

Yet, when he’d gone to the conference room that Ensign M’Ress had told him she’d seen Jim and Alice walk into, that was exactly what happened.

Thankfully, neither party seemed to notice him, so he was able to remain unnoticed, but he almost would have preferred to have been noticed than to witness this shouting match.

“It’s been _twenty goddamn years,_ Dad, can’t you at least acknowledge that _maybe_ things are different?!”

“They can’t be _that_ different! The Klingon Empire is full of warmongers and murderers, they have _no business_ being part of the Federation!”

“Commander Lukara is a brilliant scientist and one of the best people I know, if she wasn’t part of Starfleet-!”

“She’s a barbarian just like the rest of her people, and I’ll bet you anything that she’s just lying in wait until one day, she takes over the ship and-!”

 _“Ikap’uh t’du ru’lut!”_ Alice shouted, her face contorted with rage. “I don’t care if you _are_ my father, if you don’t stop talking about my _adun’a_ like that, I’ll-!”

Spock froze, as did Alice, who seemed to suddenly realize what she’d said.

“What?” Jim asked, his voice softer but still sharp with anger. “What did you just say to me?”

“I told you to shut your mouth, something I don’t take back. You may be a captain, and you may be my father, but I will not allow you to slander the name of a good woman, one of the best I have ever known.” Alice’s hands were balled up in fists. “I may be only half-Vulcan, but I still will not allow you to slander my _t’hy’la_ in this way!”

Spock’s heart stopped, unable to comprehend what he was hearing. It was not unheard of for a _t’hy’la_ bond to form between women, though it was even rarer than in the case of men, but...

With a _Klingon?_

Alice seemed not to notice him as she stormed off, leaving the room in stunned silence.

“... Captain,” Spock finally stated after a moment. Jim jumped about six inches in the air, looking over at Spock with wide eyes.

“Wh- When did you get here?”

“Approximately two point seven minutes ago.”

“... So you saw all of that, huh?”

“I did not see the entire argument, but I did witness the end of it.”

Jim sighed, rubbing the back of his neck tiredly as he turned his gaze to the floor.

“... What did she say?”

“... The phrase _‘ikap’uh t’du ru’lut’_ literally translates to ‘shut your mouth-!’”

“Not that. The... the ah-doon-ah thing.”

Spock swallowed, folding his hands behind his back and staring straight out into space.

“... the word _adun’a_ is the feminine form of the word _adun._ It... it translates to ‘female spouse,’ or wife.”

Jim was utterly still for a moment, his eyes wide when he finally looked up at Spock.

“... Wife? She... she called the Klingon her _wife?”_

“Indeed, but that is not all.” Spock cleared his throat. “The... the other word she used to refer to Commander Lukara, _t’hy’la..._ it is an ancient term, originating in pre-Reform Vulcan. It... it is difficult to translate accurately into Standard, but...”

“... But?” Jim prompted, taking a step towards Spock.

Spock’s ears were beginning to burn, his heart throbbing in his side.

“It... the word refers to a particular bond between two people, though groups of three or more are not unheard of. The _t’hy’la_ bond was traditionally formed through battling side by side, and therefore was and is more common between men, though it has become much rarer since the time of Surak.”

“... What kind of bond is it, Spock?”

Spock had always hoped, deep down, that he would be explaining this to Jim after informing him that _they_ were _t’hy’lara,_ rather than attempting to make his captain understand just how serious and inevitable his child’s future marriage to a Klingon was.

To be fair, he had never considered the possibility that Alice may one day bond with a Klingon, as it had been so far beyond what he thought was the realm of possibility that it would have been illogical to consider it, but still.

“A _t’hy’la_ bond is... it is the most intimate and strongest bond any Vulcan can ever have, even more so than with their bondmate. The word has been used to mean friend, brother, and lover, but... the Terran concept it most resembles is soulmate.”

Jim looked completely stunned once again. Perhaps it was best to tell him in this context rather than springing it on him in the context of Spock’s regard for him.

“... Soulmate.”

“That is the most accurate concept, yes.”

Jim groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose with his thumb and pointer finger.

“I can’t believe this. My daughter thinks her soulmate is a Klingon.”

Spock blinked, then bit back an exasperated sigh. It seemed he was not clear enough after all.

“Jim, that is not the-!”

“God, how could this have happened? I’d think it was some kind of rebellion, but she’s twenty-seven, so she’s either really immature or stubborn, and- you know, she actually _is_ pretty stubborn, that’s probably it.”

“Jim, wait-!”

“Sorry about all of that, Spock,” Jim started as he headed for the door. “I don’t know what future me is thinking, but I’m gonna get this straightened out here and now-!”

“Jim!” Spock all but shouted, stepping in front of the door and blocking Jim’s path. “Jim, _stop._ You are operating under a grave misconception that will only make matters worse.”

Jim blinked, knitting his eyebrows together in confusion.

“A misconception?”

“I apologize, it seems I did not make this clear enough- it is not that Alice simply _believes_ Commander Lukara to be her _t’hy’la,_ Commander Lukara _is_ her _t’hy’la.”_

“... Come again?”

Spock sighed, shaking his head.

“One cannot choose their _t’hy’la,_ Jim. It is... it is an everlasting bond that is formed naturally, and can only be broken through _kolinahr_ or death once solidified. In modern times, the bond is usually not discovered until long after it has begun formation. In addition, for the bond to form at all, the individuals involved would need to be extraordinarily compatible, in mind, heart, body, and soul. If Alice has formed a _t’hy’la_ bond with Lukara, then there is nothing in the universe that will stop it from happening.”

“But... but... well, what if they never meet?”

“The drive to find one’s _t’hy’la_ is a subconscious one. No matter what occurs, so long as both remain living, they will find each other.” Spock narrowed his eyes. “And there is nothing you can do to stop it, disapprove as you might.”

“I... Spock, come on, you can’t seriously _approve_ of this!”

“Whether I approve is irrelevant, as is whether you or anyone else does. The _t’hy’la_ bond is precious, Jim, and even if it is... unheard of for someone to have such a bond with a Klingon, it is what has happened- or rather, it is what _will_ happen.”

“Spock... I’m... I’m sorry, but I just...” Jim sighed, shaking his head. “I can’t accept this. I can’t believe that it’s inevitable, I... you know how I feel about no-win scenarios.”

Spock could not deny the way his heart sank at that.

A no-win scenario.

Was that what Jim really believed a _t’hy’la_ bond to be?

Would he believe the same about his bond with Spock?

“... Jim. Before you refer to this as a ‘no-win scenario,’ I believe there is a question you should ask yourself.”

“Oh? And what’s that?”

“Is Alice happy?”

Jim blinked, then narrowed his eyes.

“... What does that mean?”

“I would think the meaning is clear. Does being bonded with Commander Lukara make Alice happy? I have more than once heard you say that her happiness shall always come before your own, no matter the cost. Why is this any different?”

Before Jim could attempt to answer him, Spock left the room, ignoring the way his heart ached at the thought of Jim dismissing their own bond as coldly as he had Alice and Lukara’s.

 

* * *

 

Jim wasn’t hesitating.

He wasn’t. He was definitely about to go into the gym someone had told him Alice went into after they fought.

He was just... thinking.

_“I have more than once heard you say that her happiness shall always come before your own, no matter the cost. Why is this any different?”_

Jim grimaced, rubbing the back of his neck tiredly. As much as he hated to admit it, Spock had a point- there really was only one difference between this and any other time her happiness was on the line.

But... but that reason was a fucking _Klingon!_ A _Klingon,_ for crying out loud! Klingons were brutish barbarians, unable to feel any emotion other than anger or pride, who didn’t care about anything except war, and... and...

And people also said that Vulcans were stuck-up emotionless husks who didn’t care about anything other than logic once. Lots of people still did. And lots of Vulcans thought Humans were weak, emotion-obsessed creatures unable to make rational decisions.

What made Jim’s opinion of Klingons any more valid? The only contact he’d ever had with Klingons before this was in the context of war, after all. War never brought out the best side in anyone.

And this was twenty years from Jim’s time. For all he knew, things had changed and Klingons were great allies of the Federation.

And... and Spock was right. If Lukara made Alice happy, then...

Jim grimaced again.

Then he had a lot to apologize for. Hopefully he wouldn’t get punched in the gut by a tiny, angry half-Vulcan.

And so, Jim took a deep breath, then stepped through the door...

_“Kiyah!”_

And saw his daughter clinging to a Klingon’s back as she tried to get at her neck for a pinch.

Which was the last thing he was expecting, and this had been a weird enough day that he wasn’t really discounting _anything_ anymore.

“Yield!” Alice demanded. Lukara growled in response, reaching behind her and grabbing Alice by the shoulders.

“I am Klingon! I will die first!” She shouted before pulling her off and (surprisingly gently) driving her into the mat, flipping her over before sitting on her back and pinning her arms down. “Concede to me!”

“Like hell!”

Lukara laughed, and even if it sounded more than a little gloat-y, it was more amused than anything.

“You are trapped, my wife. There is no way for you to... to...” Lukara trailed off, her cheeks suddenly reddening. “You... stop that.”

“Stop what?” Alice asked, her voice far too innocent for her not to know what she was doing.

Whatever that was.

“You are... you are thinking of some _extremely_ inappropriate things, and you know I am able to sense this through our bond.”

“Why, Commander, are you saying that you’re flustered?”

_“Alice-!”_

Alice suddenly reared up, bucking a surprised Lukara off her back and straddling her waist before pinning her to the mat. Lukara opened her mouth to speak, but Alice quickly cut her off with a kiss.

“Ha!” Alice declared as she sat up. “Victory via flustered Klingon!”

“That does not count!”

“Does so. I win!”

Lukara scoffed, the back of her head hitting the mat.

“You are a ridiculous creature, my wife.”

Alice stuck her tongue out and giggled.

“You love me.”

Jim half expected a denial, but instead, Lukara smiled gently, raising one of her now-free hands to Alice’s cheek and caressing it.

_“SoH Daj law’ Hoch Hovmey Daj puS.”_

Jim had absolutely no clue what that meant, but apparently Alice did, as a pale green flush rose in her cheeks and the tips of her ears.

“You... that’s...”

Lukara grinned, pulling Alice down so that their foreheads were touching.

_“chonongmoH. chovuQ. SoH Dughajbe'bogh jaj rur Hov ghajbe'bogh ram-!”_

“Okay!” Alice finally interrupted, her voice little more than a flustered squeak at this point. Her face was bright green as she sat up, covering her face with her hands. “Okay, you’ve made your point, you cheeseball!”

Lukara laughed heartily, sitting up so that Alice was in her lap before pulling her hands from her face and kissing her gently.

“And you are also very, very cute, my heart of hearts.”

Alice pouted, then grinned, leaning in and kissing her wife again.

Jim, meanwhile, was all but drowning in guilt.

That was almost certainly a “yes” on the “does Lukara make Alice happy” front. Even the most oblivious of people could have seen that his daughter was deeply, truly, completely in love with this woman, regardless of their differences, and Lukara clearly felt the same way.

How could he ever try to take that from her? What kind of father would do that?

“M’sorry about my dad,” Alice muttered, snapping Jim out of his pity party. “I forgot that the Federation and Klingons weren’t on the best terms when we were kids.”

“I am not upset, dear one. I have been called worse things by crew members on this very vessel.”

“What?! Who?! Let me at them!”

“No.”

_“Ashayam-!”_

“I am a big girl, darling. I can handle a few dissenters.” She kissed Alice’s cheek. “Besides, if you start another fight with our crew, the captain will be cross with you.”

Alice groaned.

“But they’re such dicks!”

“Indeed. But I have you, and therefore their opinion does not matter.” Lukara pulled up one of Alice’s hands, kissing her knuckles. “I do not need the esteem of bigots when I have your whole heart and soul.”

“But... oh, fine. I won’t beat anybody up.”

“Thank you, dear.”

“... Still mad at my dad, though.”

Lukara sighed.

“Alice, really, I am not upset-!”

“I am! I know that he doesn’t think that way anymore, but- but you’re my _t’hy’la,_ and the first officer of this ship besides! Maybe he doesn’t have to _like_ you, but he should at least respect your position!”

“In fairness to him, from his point of view my race has brought nothing but war, death, and destruction on countless others.”

“So what? Orions actively practice slavery, and yet he’s buddy-buddy with Aunt Gaila at this point.”

“You like your Aunt Gaila.”

“I do, but still! It’s... I never thought I’d see him disapprove like this...”

Lukara hummed, threading a hand through Alice’s hair.

“Oh, Romia, Romia, wherefore art thou Romia?” She murmured almost too softly for Jim to hear. He did hear Alice snort, though. “Deny thy father and refuse thy name. Or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet.”

“What is it with Klingons and Shakespeare? Is it the fight scenes?”

“Actually, we’re all huge romantics deep down,” Lukara informed her seriously. They stared at each other for a moment before Alice snickered.

“No, you’re not.”

“Oh, but we are. That is why I am such a cheeseball, as you’ve called me.”

Alice laughed again, pressing her forehead to her wife’s.

“... You know what’s great about being an adult?”

“What?”

Alice grinned, then kissed Lukara once more.

“My dad doesn’t get to tell me what to do anymore.”

Lukara laughed, but the sound was far away to Jim’s ears, drowned out by the sound of his own heart shattering.

Was... was that really what his daughter thought of him?

She thought he was some kind of... of... disapproving dictator?

When had that changed? When did he become such a negative presence in her life?

How had he screwed up so badly?

It was getting a little hard to breath in the gym. He needed... he needed to get out of there.

Thankfully, neither woman noticed him all but run out.

 

* * *

 

“Mr. Spock!”

Spock turned around, eyebrow arched when he saw Alice approaching him, flanked by a Klingon woman in Science blues- Commander Lukara, he supposed.

“Yes, Ms. Kirk?”

“Oh, come on, Spock, you’ve known me since I was a little kid, it’s Alice and it will _always_ be Alice.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward involuntarily.

“Very well, Alice. And you must be Commander Lukara, correct?”

Both Alice and Lukara looked surprised.

“I... I am,” Lukara started.

“Uh, Spock, how did you know that?”

“Ah, well... I must apologize, Alice.”

“Huh? For what?”

“I inadvertently walked in on you and your father arguing earlier, and I overheard you discuss Commander Lukara.”

Alice blinked, then turned even paler than usual.

“Uh... when you say you overheard our discussion...”

“I mainly overheard the end of it.” He arched an eyebrow. “And I am fluent in Vulcan, as you know since I am the one who taught you quite a bit of the language. I am aware of your relationship with the commander.”

“Aw, _fuck,”_ Alice muttered under her breath before sighing. “Okay, Spock, look, I know that it’s-!”

“Alice. You have nothing to explain to me.”

She blinked.

“Wait, I don’t?”

“No. You and Commander Lukara are _t’hy’lara,_ and it would be illogical to object to your bonding at this point, as you have addressed her as your wife.” He glanced at Lukara, who went straight to attention. “As for the journey that led to that bonding... that is in the future for me, and I will have to wait. However, as it stands now, I see no reason not to trust your judgement.”

Alice stared at him for a moment before sighing in relief.

“Thank _god,_ I already had to yell at Dad for this... speaking of which, do you know where he is?”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Why would I know that?”

“You always know where he is, sir,” Lukara replied. “It is natural, since you two are also-!”

Alice suddenly elbowed her wife in the side.

“Ow! What?”

“No spoilers, babe, remember?”

“But if they came from stardate 2260.270-!”

_“No. Spoilers.”_

Lukara rolled her eyes.

“Yes, my wife.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“I am not sure I understand.”

“Well, if all goes well, you will soon enough. Do you know where he is or not?”

“I have not seen the captain in-!” Spock blinked, a thought suddenly occurring to him. “... He is on Observation Deck Twelve... I... why do I know that?”

Alice smiled tightly, shaking her head.

“Sorry, Spock, I can’t tell you that. But believe me, you’re close to finding out. Lukara, come on!”

Spock wished to ask more, but Alice and Lukara were soon gone from sight.

 

* * *

 

Jim flinched as the door to the observation deck opened again, wiping at his eyes and quickly turning to the window.

“Dad...?”

Shit.

“H-Hey, butter... Alice. Uh, I was just-!” Jim flinched again when his voice cracked, clearing his throat. “I was... just looking at the stars.”

“Dad...” Alice’s boots squeaked against the tile as she walked over to the table. Jim made sure to angle his face away from her when she sat down. “Dad, I think we... I think we need to talk about the argument we had earlier.”

“... How about I admit you were right and we don’t discuss our feelings? Like Vulcans.”

“Dad. You’re Human, and I’m only half-Vulcan. Why do you think I was right?”

Jim swallowed.

“I... Spock was in the room, did you know that?”

“Uh, yeah, I kinda... ran into him while I was looking for you. He told you what the words I said meant, huh?”

“Yeah. She’s... she’s your soulmate, huh?”

“That’s... I guess that’s pretty accurate, but I wouldn’t say that around her. Klingons are kinda weird about fate and shit.”

Jim laughed, wincing when his voice cracked yet again.

“Are you okay?”

“I... look, I, uh... I kinda overheard you and your wife talking in the gym earlier.”

Alice was silent for a moment.

“... how much did you hear?”

“Well, I didn’t hear you do anything you shouldn’t have been doing, if that’s what you’re worried about, but... I... I can tell that she loves you, and you... you love her too.” Jim swallowed. “And... and I don’t understand it. Not yet. But... but maybe I will by the time I get to this point, and I... I want to try, okay? I’m going to try to understand, because... because I don’t want our relationship to be as negative as it’s turned out to be.”

“... Wait, what? Dad, what are you talking about?”

Jim laughed humorlessly.

“Come on, kiddo, I told you I heard you guys talking. It’s pretty clear what you meant when you said that I don’t get to tell you what to do anymore, I... I’m sorry if I’ve been too controlling. I want what’s best for you, but... but I have to accept that you’re gonna grow up, and, and you’re...” He swallowed again, his eyes stinging. “And you’re not gonna need me like you used to. That you’re gonna make choices that I... that I don’t agree with, or understand, but I have to let you make them. So I... I’m gonna try harder this time, okay? I-I know that I, that I’m not supposed to change the timeline, but I can’t... I just can’t stand the idea of us not being close-!”

 _“Daddy,”_ Alice called softly, grabbing his arm. Jim startled a bit, his heart dropping when he saw the tears in her eyes.

“Wh... Why are you crying-!”

“Daddy, listen to me, you... you didn’t do anything wrong, okay? I mean, yeah, I was pretty pissed at _your_ reaction to Lukara, but you’re from the past, you... Daddy, _you_ were the one who got her into Starfleet.”

Jim blinked.

“I... I was...?”

“Yes, Daddy, you were, and... look, I can’t give you any more details about why, but you- the you that’s older, the one who’s, I don’t know, doing paperwork in his office on Earth- you have been _nothing_ but supportive.” Alice smiled tearfully. “Hell, you were the one who kept telling me to go for it, to just ask her out already. So please, don’t... don’t think that we’ve got some awful relationship, because nothing could be farther from the truth. You’re... you’re my daddy, and I love you lots and lots.”

Another wave of tears burst forth from Jim’s eyes, but he couldn’t help the smile on his face.

“I... I know you’re twenty-seven, but... you’re not too old to hug your old dad, are you?”

Alice laughed a little, getting up from the table and walking around to Jim before wrapping her arms around him once he stood up. He was glad that, despite being all grown up, she was still short enough that he could press a kiss into her hair.

“I love you too, buttercup. Always and always.”

Alice laughed into his chest, thankfully not commenting on the nickname.

After a moment, someone cleared their throat, startling the two of them apart. Lukara was hovering in the doorway, looking exceedingly awkward for a woman of her stature.

“A... Admiral Kirk.”

“Commander Lukara, I...” Jim cleared his throat, wiping at his eyes. “I want to apologize for what I said on the bridge. My... my own experiences with Klingons have, uh, well, they’ve been far from positive, but I shouldn’t have assumed that you’d be the same. Especially since you’re Alice’s soulmate, and all.”

Lukara smiled a little, shaking her head.

“It is alright, sir. I know that my people have been less than... accomodating in the past to other races.”

“Yeah, but it’s still not fair of me to judge you based on their behavior.”

“It is not as though I have not judged Humans in the past.” She smiled a bit more. “But I am still glad to know that I was wrong.”

“Yeah, me too. I’m actually looking forward to meeting you- well, I mean, meeting you _properly.”_ He laughed a little. “Man, I sound like Spock.”

Alice snorted.

“Yeah, that tends to happen when you have a mental bond with someone-!”

_“Alice.”_

His daughter froze, her eyes going wide as she realized what she said.

“Uh... aw, _fuck.”_

“What? What are you... what mental bond?”

Lukara looked rather smug.

“Darling. I would like to point out that this whole day you have been very clear about me telling the Enterprise crew things they should not know, and yet you are the one who-!”

“I changed my mind, I want a divorce.”

“I believe that would be quite painful, seeing as the bond between us is very hard to get rid of, and also because that would necessitate me throwing you to the ground and spitting on you.”

“... That’s a good point.”

“Uh, guys? You still haven’t told me what the bond thing’s about.”

Alice grimaced.

“Swear to god, if this fucks everything up, I’m gonna have to figure out a way to go back in time by myself...”

 

* * *

 

“Captain?” Spock asked as he walked into the conference room Jim had asked him to meet him in. Jim looked... strangely nervous. “Is everything alright?”

“I, um... that depends on your definition of ‘alright’ I guess...”

Spock blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“Please clarify, sir.”

“Just... just Jim, please, I...” Jim took a breath. “Spock, there’s... there’s something I have to tell you.”

“Yes?”

“Well, um... actually, it’s, it’s more like something Alice told me that I’m relaying to you, but... I... that is, um... she told me that we have a bond. A mental bond.”

Spock blinked.

“I... I assure you, Jim, if that were the case, I would know about it.”

Jim shook his head.

“You... you might not though, right? I mean, you said earlier that... that a certain kind of bond often goes undetected at first...”

Spock blinked once more, then felt a pit drop into his stomach. He quickly closed his eyes, searching through his mind to find... it couldn’t be, he would never let his guard down like that, he’d always been so _careful-!_

He found it. It was thin, still forming, but strong, glowing brightly in the back of his mind.

Almost instinctively, he tugged on it.

 _“Ow!”_ Jim cried, flinching and raising a hand to the back of his head. “What the... what was that? It felt like someone was... pulling on my _brain_ or something...”

Somehow, Spock’s stomach dropped even further.

How... how was this possible? In order for the bond to take root like this, they would have had to at least experienced a light mind meld-!

Oh. Oh no.

His _pon farr._ He and Jim had been in close contact, both aroused, and... and in his haze, his mind had reached out to Jim’s and...

What had he _done?_

“Spock? Spock, what’s wrong?”

“I... I apologize, Jim, it... it seems that Alice was correct. A bond has indeed formed between us by accident.”

“A... Accident? How... how could it happen by accident?”

Spock’s ears, as they had often in the captain’s presence, began to burn.

“I... during my, my Time, while we were... while we were engaged in c-combat, I... I was not as in control of my telepathic abilities as I should have been, and... I initiated a light meld with you.”

Jim blinked, tilting his head slightly.

“Wait, so you... you were in my head?”

Spock could not help but flinch, turning his gaze to his shoes.

“I... I apologize deeply for the... for my invasion of your privacy.”

“What? Spock, I’m not _mad-_ I mean, you were hardly in your right mind at the time-!”

“That does not make it right, Jim. It... to initiate a mind meld, even a light one, without consent it... it is considered deeply distasteful at best, and at worst, it... it is considered a crime.”

“A crime? Spock, come on, it’s... it’s not like you were doing it on _purpose.”_

“I am still responsible for-!”

“Spock.” Jim was now right in front of him. “Spock, look at me.”

Spock swallowed, then slowly looked up at the captain, who... who had a warm smile on his face.

“Spock, I’m not mad at you, really. It’s not like you purposely tried to sift through my memories or something- do you even remember seeing anything?”

Yes. Mainly Jim’s arousal and concern for Spock, as well as some dizziness that he’d originally attributed to the thinner air, but now knew was most likely a result of the neuroparalyzer.

“I... I sensed your emotional state, but I did not see any specific memories or thoughts.”

“See? No harm done. But, uh... is that all it took? A light meld?”

“I... no, it would also require us to have... we are extremely compatible in a mental sense. Because of that, when... when my mind reached out to meld during my _pon farr,_ and your mind was there, we... we became linked.”

Jim exhaled, taking a step back.

“I... wow. Wow, just... this is kind of a lot to take in, Spock, I... wait. Is... is that why I always know where you are?”

Spock blinked.

“I... yes... I had not thought of it before, but I also seem to always know where you are as well...”

How had he not realized this before? It was so obvious now- of _course_ he and Jim had become bonded.

“So, um... can... can it be dissolved?”

Spock blinked, then felt his heart start to sink.

“I... since it is still a fledgling bond, it... with an experienced healer’s aid, it can be. At least one survived the destruction of Vulcan-that-was, and the process should be fairly painless for us both.”

Physically, in any case. To Spock, even just thinking about the emotional pain of losing his _t’hy’la_ for good was excruciating.

But if it was what Jim wanted, then...

“Oh, uh, good!” Jim smiled, but it did not quite reach his eyes. “Well, uh, that’s... that’s great, Spock. Looks like you’re not gonna be stuck with me forever after all, huh?”

Spock blinked again.

“... Stuck with you, Jim?”

“I, I mean, well, it would be annoying to have me in your head all the time, right?”

“I... I had thought that you would be the one to object to this on that basis.”

“Eh?”

“Most Humans would consider this sort of bond an annoyance at best, and a horrible breach of privacy at worst. Yet you... you seem more concerned with my own comfort.” Bravery surged through him, and Spock took a step towards Jim. “Why is that?”

The tips of Jim’s ears had turned pink.

“I... um... th-that, that is, uh...”

“Jim, do you want our bond to be dissolved?”

“I...” Jim wouldn’t look him in the eyes. “If... if that’s what you want.”

“But is it what _you_ want?”

He flinched, glancing up at Spock for a split second before looking away.

“I... no. I don’t... I don’t want that.”

Spock’s heart was pounding in his ears. Did Jim... was it possible that...?

“Why? Why do you not want the bond to be dissolved?”

Jim blushed even more, stammering and stuttering for thirty-six point one seconds before shutting his mouth and swallowing hard.

“I... I can’t.”

“Jim, please-!”

“I can’t... I’ve been holding it in so long, I don’t... I don’t think I could make the words come out right...” Jim took a breath, then finally looked up at Spock, an unfamiliar look in those blue eyes. “Meld with me.”

Spock blinked.

“I... Jim, I do not-!”

“Spock, I... I really don’t think I can say it, it’d... it’d all just come out sounding like gibberish. I give you permission, so... please?”

Spock swallowed, then nodded, taking a half-step towards Jim before slowly placing his fingers on Jim’s meld points.

“My thoughts to your thoughts...” He murmured, closing his eyes.

The moment the meld began, it was as if a bolt of lightning ran through him. The emotions that flooded his system... warmth, kindness, fondness, slight irritation, hints of despair and regret...

Love. Overwhelming, all-encompassing love.

And then there were the memories.

He was looking at himself at the court martial, resisting the urge to deck this “uptight jerkass” in front of the admiralty. He was arguing with himself on the bridge. He was being strangled, hoping against hope he wouldn’t kill him. He was looking at himself in Jim’s apartment. He was so happy to see Spock just as the Enterprise was about to launch.

He was experiencing extremely inappropriate arousal at swear words coming out of his first officer’s mouth. He was overwhelmingly relieved when his first officer confirmed he wouldn’t tell Starfleet about his near-relapse into his eating disorder.

He was... kissing a shirtless version of himself on the pleasure planet, which he had questions about. He was ejaculating over his own hand while thinking of intercourse with his first officer. He was trying not to say anything idiotic as he came out to himself.

He was panicking, trying to save his first officer from a volcanic death. He was hurt and upset when said first officer reported him to Starfleet for it. He was unsure if he wanted his first officer to understand what he meant when he said he would miss him. He was being carried by himself, wishing it was as romantic as it felt.

He was dying, trying in those last moments to make him understand.

He was waking up, and Spock was there, and he was so happy to see him.

He was worried about Spock. He was cursing himself for being aroused at the idea of Spock pinning him to the bed and taking him roughly during his _pon farr._ He was resigned to the fact that he was going to lose Spock to this woman. He was aroused once more, wrestling with himself in the dirt. He was being picked up and spun around in sickbay. He was looking at two of himself. He was trying to comfort his Human self. He was aroused at the sight of his normal self in glasses. He was touched that Spock told him about his diagnosis.

He was trying not to show how happy he was to know how far Spock would go to find him. He was a little aroused at the sight of himself in the suit, and flustered by his compliments. He was watching himself cry over his brother. He was afraid that he would lose Spock to Daystrom, then telling himself he was never his to begin with. He wanted to kiss himself for the speech on the bridge. He kept himself from admitting that... that he wasn’t good enough for Spock, but asking him to love him anyway.

To love him _back._

He was in love.

Without a word, Spock ended the meld, unable to speak and instead just staring at Jim, who still would not look at him.

“I... I’m sorry,” Jim finally whispered, his voice rough and thick with... with unshed tears. “I... I never wanted you to find out, and- and especially not like this, but... I don’t want you to feel obligated to stay because I’m in... if, if you want to request a transfer, I won’t stop-!”

 _“Jim,”_ Spock interrupted gently, pressing his forehead against Jim’s. “Jim, I... you have given me your thoughts. I wish to give you mine.”

“Wh... What?”

“I wish to meld with you once more, to... to show you my own thoughts. May I?”

“Y... You don’t have to-!”

_“Please.”_

Jim swallowed again, then nodded. Spock took a shaky breath as he placed his fingers on Jim’s meld points once more, allowing him into his mind as he focused on his memories of Jim, from the irritation of their first meeting, to their burgeoning friendship at the original launch, to all of the confusion he felt whenever his heart beat faster around Jim, the... the despair of watching him die, beating Khan half to death and only stopping thanks to Uhura, Jim’s heart beginning to beat once more, Jim waking up, how hard he tried to hold himself back during his Time, his anguish at the thought that he’d killed Jim, being so happy and relieved when he was still alive, taking himself in hand and orgasming to the thought of Jim, the arguments between his selves about telling or not telling him, his relief at Jim taking his diagnosis in stride, his relief at seeing Jim’s face after the abduction, arguing with Michael about whether or not to tell him, attempting to flirt while in the suits, being grateful for Jim’s assurances after his brother’s death, growing to hate the M-5 for the despair on Jim’s face, wishing that he could tell Jim what he meant to him...

Loving Jim. Being _in love_ with Jim.

Being in love with his _t’hy’la._

Jim gasped when Spock ended the meld, his eyes big and dewey as he looked up at Spock.

This time, however, there was no sadness in it.

“You... you love me,” Jim whispered.

“I do,” Spock confirmed.

Jim was grinning now.

“You _love_ me. _You_ love _me!”_

“Always. I have loved you for the longest time, and I will love you until the heat death of the universe, even if that will be long after we have both died. So long as you will have me-!”

“Spock,” Jim started, the word more of a giggle than anything else.

“Yes, _ashayam?”_

“I love this conversation, I do. I love you. I love you so much. But I’ve kinda been thinking about kissing you for over two years now, so...”

Spock couldn’t help but smile, cupping Jim’s cheeks in his palms and leaning down to finally- _finally-_ press his lips to those perfect, pink, heart-shaped ones he had longed to kiss for... for longer than he wanted to think about in this moment.

The kiss started off chaste, gentle. Jim was so fascinatingly warm, and the way his lips slid against Spock’s was even more perfect than he could ever have imagined. But soon enough, it turned a bit deeper; Jim’s tongue began pressing at his lips as he wrapped his arms around Spock’s neck, and Spock moaned quietly, putting his hands on Jim’s hips as the tip of his tongue slipped into Spock’s mouth.

He tried to mirror Jim’s movements as best he could- he had not kissed anyone of his own volition since he was twelve, after all, and there had been no tongue.

There had also not been a rising heat in his loins. Spock’s eyes snapped open as he quickly broke away, unable to keep himself from panting slightly.

“What?” Jim asked, his voice a bit hoarse. His lips were slightly swollen from kissing, and there was a delightful flush on his face, which served to increase Spock’s arousal to the point that... oh.

Spock bit his lip, shifting slightly as he tried to disguise his... issue.

“I... it is, is nothing, I... it has been some time since I... since I kissed someone willingly, and I... I am somewhat overwhelmed.”

Overwhelmed was not a lie. He was a bit overwhelmed, both by the realization that his feelings were in fact returned, and because his genitals had a terrible sense of timing.

“Oh. Well, uh, that’s... that’s alright.” Jim grinned up at him. “Want a minute to calm down before we go back out?”

Spock blinked, then felt himself turn bright green from his chin to the roots of his hair.

“I! Y-You, I, that is... how, how did you...?”

“I can kinda feel it poking me, sweetheart,” Jim explained before leaning up and kissing him gently, chastely. “It’s okay. We can take it slow if that’s what you need.”

Spock exhaled, shaking his head.

“Jim, I have desired you for over a year now.” He pressed his forehead to Jim’s. “I fear I may explode out of sexual frustration if we ‘take it slow.’”

Jim had turned quite an interesting shade of red below him.

“Uh. Um. I.” He chuckled. “Well, uh, first, w-welcome, welcome to _my_ world, sweetheart. Second, if you’re really sure about not taking it slow...”

Spock shuddered as Jim’s hand found his own, and he knew from the confidence he was sensing that Jim knew _exactly_ what he was doing.

“How about once we get back to the ship, and we’re back in our own timeline, we head over to your quarters and-!”

The doors to the conference room opened.

“Hey, Dad, sorry to interrupt, but we’re almost ready to-!”

Jim made a very odd squawking sound as he broke away from Spock, who immediately straightened and glanced over his shoulder.

Alice blinked one, then twice, then three times before her shoulders slumped and she let out a huge sigh.

“Thank the fucking _lord._ I swear, if I hadn’t messed up with the bond thing, I probably would have accidentally called you ‘Papa’ at some point.”

Spock blinked, turning around to face Alice head on.

“P... Papa?”

“Yeah, duh. I can’t call _both_ of you Dad, then how would you know who I’m calling to help me with homework or whatever?”

Jim was now shaking with barely concealed laughter.

“N... Never figured you for a ‘Papa’ kind of guy, babe.”

Spock was still too stunned by the realization that Alice would eventually come to address her as her father.

He... he would be a father after all.

“Wh... Spock, are you _crying?”_

He blinked, then flushed, clearing his throat and turning away.

“N... No.”

“Yes, you are, I can feel it through the... oh, wow. That is _neat!”_

Alice scoffed, rolling her eyes.

“Man, I’m glad David was born _after_ you guys worked all this shit out.”

Spock could feel Jim’s surprise as well as his own.

“Who’s David?” They asked simultaneously.

Alice’s eyes widened.

“... Aw, _fuck.”_

 

* * *

 

It had taken several hours, and some feats of engineering that Jim was sure would go down in history as “super badass,” but they were finally ready to get back to their own time.

Although not everyone was too excited about that.

“No.”

“Please?” Scotty all but begged.

Alice shook her head.

“Nope, sorry, Uncle Scotty. We can’t risk the timeline if you figure out how warp eleven works,.”

“Aw, lassie, you’re breaking my heart here.”

“I’m sure Keenser will love to hear all about it once you get home. Now get!”

Bones laughed as Scotty walked onto the transporter with his tail between his legs before walking over to Alice and ruffling her hair.

‘See ya later, munchkin.”

“Uncle Bones, I’m twenty-seven!”

“So what? You’re still a shortstack.”

Alice rolled her eyes, then laughed when Nyota pulled her into a hug.

“I’m gonna miss you, kiddo.”

“You’re gonna see me in like, ten minutes.”

Nyota gave her a look.

“You know what I mean.”

Alice laughed, shaking her head. She then turned to Jim and Spock, her eyes sparkling with so many emotions that Jim couldn’t begin to name them all.

“You guys... you’re not gonna forget to have him, right? Cause I might complain about David like, _a lot,_ but he’s my little brother and I love him to death.”

Jim grinned, remembering the photos Alice had shown them of the quarter-Vulcan boy with dark, curly hair and dark eyes, who at seventeen was already a good four inches taller than his big sister.

“I dunno, kiddo. I mean, I’m not totally clear on the whole DNA combining thing-!”

_“Daddy.”_

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding! We’ll make sure he’s around, buttercup.”

Alice was clearly trying to be serious, but Jim could see the way her lips were quirking upward.

“You’d better, cause I’m gonna call him once you’re back in your own time, and if he doesn’t pick up-!”

“Did you not tell us that your brother has a tendency not to pick up until you have called him three times?” Spock inquired.

“Irrelevant, Papa.” The PADD in Alice’s hands beeped. “Looks like it’s time.”

Jim smiled sadly, spreading his arms. Alice quickly took the hint, all but diving into them and holding Jim tightly.

“Hey, hey, this isn’t forever, y’know. You can call me- the older me- any time you want, I’m sure... I’ll always be happy to talk to you, Alice.”

“I know,” Alice murmured, her voice a little muffled by Jim’s shirt. “But I’m still gonna miss you...”

Jim smiled, pressing a kiss into her hair.

“Love you, buttercup.”

Alice smiled, her eyes misty as she pulled away.

“I love you too, Daddy.”

Then, before he could protest, she turned around and hugged a very surprised Spock.

“And I love you, Papa.”

Spock looked a little unsure of himself, but to Jim’s surprise he hugged her back.

“I love you as well, little one.”

Alice laughed, wiping at her eyes as she went to stand by Lukara’s side. Out of the corner of his eye, Jim saw his daughter reach out and extend two fingers in her wife’s direction. Lukara extended two of her own, pressing them to Alice’s.

Jim didn’t know what that meant, but apparently it meant something to Spock, who made a small choked noise as they got on the transporter.

He’d have to ask later.

“See you soon,” Jim called, waving a little.

Alice gave him a melancholy smile, waving back with her free hand.

“See you soon.”

“Energize,” Jamison ordered.

 

* * *

 

**2260.271**

Jim sighed as they exited warp.

“Mr. Sulu, what’s the stardate?”

“2260.271, sir. We’re home.”

Jim let out another sigh of relief, then glanced over at his boyfriend.

A wave of giddiness washed over him. Spock was his _boyfriend._

“Mr. Spock, how are we looking with our course to Delta Trion?”

“The time warp anomaly knocked us off course slightly, sir, but I believe it will be a simple matter to correct our course.”

“Great.” Jim hesitated for a second, then grinned as he decided to throw caution to the wind. “Hit me with it, sweetheart.”

Spock blinked, staring at him for what felt like an eternity before his lips quirked upward.

“Of course, _ashayam.”_

The silence on the bridge lasted but a split second.

“Jesus, _finally!”_ Nyota exclaimed. “I thought something was up when the grown-up Alice started calling you Papa.”

“Pay up, kid,” Sulu said to Chekov with a grin. The latter groaned.

“You could not have waited two more days? I would have won pool!”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

He couldn’t have asked for a better crew.

Though he could have asked for a slightly less invasive one, honestly, because Spock was clearly embarrassed by all the questions from various ensigns, even if the answer to most of the questions was “I don’t know, we’ve only been dating for a matter of hours at this point.”

The relief on his boyfriend’s face was palpable when Alpha shift ended, and Jim had to try hard not to laugh as they got out of the lift on their floor.

“So, I’ve got a question for you, Spock,” Jim said to his boyfriend as they approached their quarters.

“Yes, Jim?”

“What does ah-shy-yam mean?”

He would never get tired of seeing Spock blush, he decided.

“It... it is a term of endearment. It means, ‘beloved.’”

Jim grinned.

“And I thought Vulcans couldn’t be cheesy. Okay, second question.” He held up two fingers, the same fingers he’d seen Alice and Lukara put together, then pressed the same fingers on his other hand to them. “What does this mean? I saw Alice and her wife doing it, and you made a weird noise when you saw them do it, so I know it means something.”

Spock blushed even more.

“It... it is an affectionate gesture amongst Vulcans. It is called the _ozh’esta,_ or finger embrace, and... it is similar to a kiss for Humans.”

“Hm.” Jim grinned again, then held up two fingers, thinking “kiss me” as loudly as he could at Spock. His boyfriend blushed again, then actually _smiled_ before pressing two of his fingers against Jim’s.

_Now kiss me the Human way._

He could have sworn he heard Spock _laugh_ before he leaned in and pressed his lips to Jim’s.

Of course, that was when the door to Jim’s quarters opened.

“Daddy! You’re back-! Oh.”

Jim and Spock quickly broke apart, the former blushing scarlet while the latter blushed a particular shade of emerald. Alice blinked at them, then scoffed, throwing her hands in the air.

“Well, _finally!_ Geez, I thought you guys were _never_ gonna get your acts together!” She shook her head. “I’m gonna have to marry the smartest boy in the universe, or else it’s gonna take _forever_ for him to realize I like him!”

After the day he’d had, and with the things he knew about Alice’s future, no one could blame Jim for bursting into giggles.

“What? What’s so funny? Daddy, why are you laughing?”

“Just... I’m just happy, buttercup.”

Alice rolled her eyes in response.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And then Jim woke up and it was all a dream and I'm kidding!
> 
> Thank you all for sticking with this story so far! This is the last update for this week- next week will be season three, followed by Beyond and an epilogue! 
> 
> Klingon to English-  
> SoH Daj law' Hoch Hovmey Daj puS- You are more interesting than all the stars  
> chonongmoH- You cause me to be passionate  
> chovuQ- You fascinate me  
> SoH Dughajbe'bogh jaj rur Hov ghajbe'bogh ram- A night without stars is like a day without you
> 
> Guest Stars:  
> Dr. Richard Daystrom- Harry Lennix  
> Alura Jamison- Viola Davis  
> Lt. Commander Alice Kirk- Natalia Dyer  
> Commander Lukara- Zendaya  
> David S'Chn T'Gai Kirk- Finn Wolfhard
> 
> Again, thank you all for sticking with me! Comments are always appreciated!


	8. Chapter 8

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I forgot to mention the episodes for this one at the end of the last chapter! The episodes are "Spock's Brain," which is kinda dumb overall but has some rather sweet moments, "And the Children Shall Lead," or "Jim's Sense of Self Worth is Tied to the Enterprise to an Unhealthy Degree," and "Day of the Dove," which is... not a great episode, not least because of the Klingons' pseudo-blackface (seriously, TOS, we KNOW you can hire Black actors, Uhura's in most episodes dammit) but I figured I could use the general plot to expand a certain character's backstory. 
> 
> Also, fair warning- the "And the Children Shall Lead" section refers to a mass suicide, and Jim has a panic attack in the section that begins with "2260.343." Both of these things are from the original, but please be careful!

**2260.312**

Jim was only half-awake when he stumbled into the bathroom and saw a dripping wet Spock clad only in a towel around his waist.

It took him a good minute of staring to realize that no, this wasn’t a dream, he’d actually walked in on his boyfriend getting out of the fresher and was now staring at him like an idiot and/or giant pervert.

“Uh,” he managed intelligently. “I... uh... um...”

“G... Good morning?” Spock offered, looking more than a little green. Actually, now that Jim was getting a good look at him, his shoulders were also a little green, as was his chest, which was still covered in thick hair, but thanks to the water it had clumped together a little, and Jim kind of wanted to straighten it out with his fingers and oh god he need to  _ not  _ be in this bathroom.

“S... Sorry!” He heard himself squeak before all but bolting out of the bathroom, letting the door close behind him as he leaned on the wall next to it. He groaned, covering his face with his hands.

It had been three weeks since he’d let Spock into his mind to admit how he really felt about him. Three weeks since they’d started dating.

Three weeks since Spock told him if they took it slow, he might just explode, a sentiment Jim agreed with whole-heartedly.

And yet. 

In the three weeks since he’d learned that Spock loved him back (which still made Jim go “!!!” every time he thought about it), there had been absolutely no sex.

Now, Jim liked to think that he was a little more mature nowadays. Back in the days when he was young and wild (read- seven years ago), he probably wouldn’t have stuck around past three  _ days,  _ let alone three  _ weeks.  _

Spock, of course, was different. He’d been smitten with Spock so long, now that he finally had him, nothing short of the literal end of the universe was going to tear them apart, not even the continuation of a dry spell that had lasted the better part of a decade for no discernable reason.

And it really  _ was  _ for no discernable reason, at least to Jim. If they’d been busy with work, he totally would have gotten it, but they really hadn’t been doing much more than traveling at warp for the past few weeks. Plus, they were spending time together- that first night after they’d come back from the Enterprise-B, for example, Jim had slept in Spock’s bed.

Literally slept in it. They’d been talking about their feelings, and Jim had learned that, while he was definitely an idiot, Spock was apparently  _ also  _ an idiot- seriously, the guy had assumed that he didn’t have feelings for him because he didn’t act the same way around him as he did around Edith, which, come  _ on,  _ Spock, Edith wasn’t exactly the same kind of person as he was, and their relationship had always been different!

Of course, then Spock admitted that he’d never actually been in love before, which did kinda justify that assumption. It also led to some more kissing... followed by Jim falling asleep on top of him. Like a loser.

_ You are not a loser, ashayam. I thought it was quite endearing. _

Jim squawked, flushing even more.

_ You... how much of that did you hear? _

_ All of it. Your shielding still requires work, Jim.  _

_ Hey, I can shield! I’ve shielded Alice’s thoughts since she was too little to think in anything but abstracts! _

_ It is different when it comes to a t’hy’la bond. I am dressed now, may I enter your quarters? _

Jim blushed again.

_ Can I find pants first? _

He could feel Spock’s amusement.

_ If that will make you more comfortable, dear one. _

Jim flushed again, his heart skipping a beat- even after three weeks, he still kinda felt like a high schooler in his first relationship whenever Spock used an endearment.

Which was surprisingly often. Vulcans couldn’t be sappy his left ass cheek-!

Jim felt a wave of embarrassment that wasn’t his own, and he grinned sheepishly.

_ Oops. Sorry, sweetheart. _

_ It... it is of no consequence. Are you decent? _

_ Yeah, um... come on in. _

The door to the bathroom opened once more, revealing a fully dressed Spock. Jim smiled at him, then frowned a bit as he walked closer. His eyes widened when he realized what Spock wanted to do, and he quickly covered his mouth.

“Uh, trust me, you- you don’t want to do that right now.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Yes I do. I enjoy kissing you in both Human and Vulcan styles, Jim.”

Jim grinned behind his hand.

“Well, likewise, but, uh, Humans kinda have this thing where their breath stinks to high heaven first thing in the morning, and since I have yet to brush my teeth, kissing me is probably gonna be a lot less pleasant than usual.”

“I do not see how kissing you could ever be unpleasant.”

Jim blinked, then flushed, trying not to giggle like an idiot.

“You... geez, if you keep talking like that, I’m gonna  _ have  _ to kiss you.”

“Since that is what I want, that is not an effective deterrent. I find you to be the most fascinating and beautiful creature in all the universe. If I were only allowed to stare into your eyes for an eternity, I would be content. I would follow you to the ends of the-!”

Jim was snickering as he leaned in, pressing his lips against Spock’s to quiet his cheesy, cheesy Vulcan.

“I am not cheesy,” Spock protested when he pulled away a moment later, “and as I thought I would, I enjoyed that.”

“Well, you’re the first person who’s ever liked kissing me with morning breath, pal.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Have you had morning breath while kissing many others?”

Jim blinked, then grinned sheepishly.

“Ah-heh, well... no, actually, uh... most people don’t really stick around long enough for that.”

“I see.” A flush painted Spock’s cheeks. “I... I believe we should speak about... a topic related to that.”

Now it was Jim’s turn to blush.

“I... um... I guess we probably should.” He cleared his throat, looking away. “You, uh... you still want to, right? I, I know you said that you wanted to back on the Enterprise-B, but um, if you... if you changed your mind about taking it slow-!”

“Jim,” Spock murmured softly as he pulled Jim a little closer. “Jim, I have not... I still very much want to be...  _ intimate  _ with you.”

Jim’s heart skipped a beat before resuming a much faster pace.

“O... Oh. Oh, uh, good. Um. Same here.” Jim grinned at him. “Well, uh, do you... do you want to, to take some time later tonight to-?”

Spock immediately turned bright green, his eyes going wide- Jim could’ve sworn his ears actually  _ drooped. _

“I... um.”

Jim blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“Did... did you just say ‘um?’ Spock, I have never heard you say ‘um’ in the entire time I’ve known you, except when you were split into Vulcan and Human halves. What’s the matter?”

Spock glanced away, biting his lip nervously and drumming his fingers against Jim’s hips. 

“I... I apologize, Jim.”

“Apologize? For what?”

“I... I had hoped that I would not have to... to tell you. I find myself to be apprehensive about... about your reaction...”

Jim felt his expression soften, gently putting a hand on Spock’s cheek and trying to transmit as much reassurance through the physical contact as he could.

“Sweetheart, I promise, whatever you have to tell me, it’s not gonna change anything, especially not the way I feel about you. I love you, Spock.” He leaned up a bit, pressing his forehead to Spock’s. “And no matter what, I’m going to love you for the rest of my life. Longer, if I can.”

“Jim...” He could feel Spock’s gratitude, although also a bit of... disgust?

“Something bothering you?”

“I... I believe I may understand what you meant about ‘morning breath’ now...”

Jim laughed, taking a step back.

“Told ya so. Anyway, I promise, I’m not going to get mad, so please tell me what’s wrong.” He smiled. “Let me help.”

Spock flushed, clearing his throat.

“I... while I very much would like to... to have intercourse with you, I... I am slightly anxious at the prospect.”

Jim blinked.

“Anxious? Why?”

His boyfriend bit his lip, shifting slightly.

“I... I have... I have n-!”

Just then, Spock’s comm went off, as did Jim’s. Jim bit back a groan, pulling his comm out and checking it.

“Aw, dammit... sorry, Spock, it looks like they need me on the bridge.”

“It is of no consequence,  _ ashayam,  _ as I am also needed on the bridge. I will cover your duties, so please take the time to eat something.”

“Spock, I don’t-!”

Spock gave him a look, and Jim huffed, though he couldn’t help but smile.

“Alright, alright, I’ll eat a muffin or something,  _ Mom.” _

“Your health is important, Jim.”

“I know, I know, I’m just teasing ya.” Jim grinned at him. “I love you.”

“ _ Tahluk nash-veh k’dular,” _ Spock replied before leaning in and pressing a kiss to Jim’s forehead.

And that was when the door to Alice’s bedroom opened.

“G’morning, Daddy...” She blinked when she saw Spock, then sighed. “Do you guys have to be so mushy first thing in the morning?”

“Yes,” Jim responded, snaking an arm around Spock’s waist. “Yes we do.”

Alice rolled her eyes, and Jim felt Spock do the mental equivalent of that through their bond.

Although he also felt a good amount of amusement there, too.

 

* * *

 

“What do you  _ mean,  _ his brain’s gone?!”

Bones rolled his eyes, gesturing at the monitor above Spock’s head.

“Just that. It’s gone. No brain whatsoever. Everything else is there and working fine, but he’s a total vegetable. I have absolutely no explanation-!”

“I don’t  _ want  _ an explanation, Bones, I want my boyfriend’s brain in his head where it should be!”

“Oh, sure, Jim, let me just get his brain from the cupboard where I put it-  _ oh wait.  _ I  _ didn’t  _ do that. I have no  _ goddamn  _ idea where his hobgoblin brain is, only where it’s not!”

Jim grit his teeth, glancing at Spock’s eerily still body. His eyes were closed, and someone other than Jim might have thought he was just sleeping.

Of course, Jim had seen Spock sleeping and knew the man snored like a damn foghorn, but still.

“How... I know I’m not a doctor, Bones, but if he doesn’t have a brain at all, shouldn’t he be...?”

Bones sighed, shaking his head.

“It’s a damn medical miracle, I tell you. Every single nerve ending of the brain must have been neatly sealed. Nothing ripped, nothing torn, no bleeding.”

“But if it’s missing, then... then Spock’s...”

He couldn’t say it. He didn’t want to even think it, to think that after all this time, now that he and Spock were finally together, Spock was just going to...

“Well, he  _ should  _ be dying, but he’s not. That incredible Vulcan physique hung on til the life support cycle took over. His body’s still alive, somehow.” Bones glanced over at Jim. “Now, I may not be an expert on that Vulcan telepathic mumbo jumbo, but from what I do know about it, if his brain weren’t still intact, you’d have felt it, wouldn’t you?”

Jim blinked, then suddenly felt like a huge weight was off his shoulders.

“I... I would. But I don’t... he’s still there.”

“Well, there ya go. Now, do me a favor? Figure out where he is, would ya?”

Jim smiled weakly, then took a breath and closed his eyes.

_ Spock? Sweetheart, can you hear me? _

_... Jim. _

He let out a sigh of relief.

_ Thank god. Where are you? _

_ I am uncertain. It is dark, and I cannot hear anything. Nor can I feel anything. _

_ Okay, well, do you know who took you? _

_ No. My last memory before regaining consciousness in this void is that woman on the bridge. _

Jim’s eyes opened. 

“That woman... Scotty, that woman on the bridge from before, she came from that ship, right?”

“Aye, sir.”

“What woman?” Bones asked, arching an eyebrow.

“There was... look, it’s a long story, but point is, she took his brain. I don’t know how, or... or why, or  _ where,  _ and neither does Spock, but she must have taken it!” Jim bit his lip, then put up the strongest shield he could before taking a breath. “Bones... Bones, how long do you think you can keep him functioning?”

“Dammit, Jim, how the hell should I know? By all rights, your boyfriend should be pushing up daisies-!”

“Leonard,  _ please,”  _ Jim begged.

Bones blinked, his expression softening before he sighed.

“I... I can’t give you any guarantee, kid. If it happened to a Human, I’d say indefinitely, but since Spock’s half-Vulcan...”

Jim grit his teeth, then turned to M’Benga.

“What about you? What can you do?”

M’Benga shrugged.

“I’m sorry, sir, but... given the nature of Spock’s hybrid physiology, I’d say he can go maybe twenty-four hours before his body starts shutting down.”

Twenty-four hours. One day.

He had one day left, or else...

“Then... then we’ll have to take him with us.”

Bones and M’Benga both blinked.

“Uh... take him where?”

“To find his brain. If you two are right, then the moment we find it, we have to put it back, or else he’s...”

“Jim, just... where the hell are you going to look for him? You said that Spock doesn’t even know where he is, where are you going to look?”

Jim crossed his arms.

“There was a game on this ship for  _ months  _ about how Spock and I always know where the other is. I’m going to apply that same principle, and I’m gonna find him, and then you’re gonna put his brain back where it belongs, and then I’m gonna kiss him for a good ten minutes-!”

“Okay!” Bones interrupted, putting up his hands. “Okay, I get it, you’re gonna use your link to the hobgoblin to find him, great, but what if you  _ can’t?” _

“I will. I don’t care if I have to search every goddamn corner of the galaxy, I’m going to find his stupid brain and put it back in his stupid head!”

“You can’t do that, and neither can I!”

“Well whoever took it can! I’ll force it out of her if I have to, but one way or another, I’m not letting him go without a fight!”

Before Bones could say anything else, Jim stormed out of the med-bay. His heart hurt at the thought of losing Spock like this- he couldn’t let it happen-!

_ Jim? Ashayam, what is wrong? Why were you shielding me? _

_ Oh, uh, sorry, Spock, I... look, I didn’t want you to hear my thoughts just then, okay? I don’t want you to freak out. _

_ Vulcans do not freak out. _

_ You do, though. And I need you to stay calm. I’m going to find you, and we’re going to fix this. _

_... Very well. However, I have a request. _

_ Yeah? _

_ You too must stay calm. Even if I am not able to be with you at this moment, I do not want you to be upset. _

Jim stopped in his tracks, his throat tightening even as a small smile graced his lips.

_ Oh, Spock... I love you, okay? I love you so much. _

_ I love you as well, t’hy’la. Do not worry. I trust you, and I know that you will find me. _

Despite the fact that he kind of wanted to cry, Jim still smiled.

 

* * *

 

**2260.313**

When Jim first saw Spock, Bones, and M’Benga beam down to the planet, he barely kept himself from running and embracing the first. If he hadn’t known that Bones had rigged Spock’s body to move with a remote, and if Spock’s brain wasn’t pulling him in the opposite direction, he probably would have tried to jump into his arms or something.

Which would probably have ended with Spock both missing a brain and having a broken ankle. 

Jim swallowed as Bones made the body turn, trying to mask the turmoil he was feeling.

“A... Alright, Bones. M’Benga. Bring him along.”

Spock’s body moved robotically, like he was some movie monster from the 1950’s. It hurt to look at, even more so knowing that it was both his boyfriend and not his boyfriend that he was looking at- it was his body, but his mind, that beautiful, wonderful, maddeningly logical mind of his, was still waiting for him deep in the cave.

Jim swore, once this mess was cleared up, he was going to hold his stupid Vulcan tight and never let go.

The entrance to the cave turned out to be an elevator of sorts, and everyone but Spock stumbled, even though Jim latched onto his arm to steady himself. Scotty told him that they were getting close to the power they’d sensed earlier just before the door opened, revealing that a woman like the one they’d met earlier.

Jim resisted the urge to stun her right away, or worse, reminding himself that they still needed her to put Spock’s brain back. 

Of course, then she tried to use  _ her  _ stun thing, and he had no choice.

He would admit that he enjoyed it a little, though.

Bones had her up and talking again a second later, and Jim grabbed her, holding her by the arms tightly and glaring at her.

“You do not belong here! You are not Morg!”

“Yeah, well, you’ve got something that belongs to someone I care a lot about! Now take me to the one in charge, I want to speak to him.”

“Him? What is him?”

“She, then?”

“What is she?”

“... They. We’re going with they for now, just, where’s Spock’s brain? What have you done with it?”

“You are not Morg, or Eymorg. I know nothing about a brain-!”

“You’re  _ lying!”  _ Jim snarled, shaking her a little.

“No, she’s not, Jim. No change in reading, she doesn’t know.”

Jim grit his teeth, then released the woman and glanced at Scotty.

“See what you can pick up on your communicator.”

“Aye, sir.”

“Look, we... we don’t want to hurt you, okay? Just... what is this place?”

She looked bewildered by the question.

“This place is here.”

Dammit. He hadn’t had this much trouble having a regular conversation with someone since Alice was two and didn’t understand sentence structure yet.

“Then... then who are you?”

“I am Luma. I am Eymorg. You are not Eymorg. You are not Morg. What are you?”

Jim opened his mouth, then closed it, unable to figure out how to explain it.

“Jim, it’s no use. You’ll get nothing out of her, her mind’s little more than a child’s.”

“Bones, I remind you, I  _ have  _ a child-!”

“Captain, I’ve got something, but I can’t quite get a fix on it.”

Scotty handed him his comm, which was making a weird sound, and Luma tried to run just as a familiar voice came out of the comm.

_ “Fascinating. Activity without end, but with no volition.” _

“Spock!” He cried happily. “Spock, is that you? Can you hear me, sweetheart?”

_ “... Jim. Ashayam.” _

Jim grinned, relief coursing through his veins like some kind of drug.

“Yes, Spock, I’m... I’m here, I’m right here.”

_ “Jim. There is a definite pleasurable experience connected with hearing your voice.” _

Jim blinked, then laughed a little, blushing and shaking his head.

“D... Dammit, honey, you- you can’t say stuff like that right now.”

_ “And why not?” _

“Because it makes me want to kiss you, and I can’t, and it’s... it’s kind of frustrating, y’know?”

_ “I do not understand. Why can you not kiss me at the moment?” _

Jim’s grin fell, a cold feeling spreading in his stomach.

“I... it’s a little hard to explain, Spock, I... look, we’re coming to get you, alright?”

_ “A logical idea, as I am currently unable to move. Odd.” _

Jim grimaced, then started heading down the hallway, running into the woman from before and two other people.

“You! What did you do? What did you do with his brain-?!”

The woman used the stun mechanism from before, and Jim was only able to hold out for a second before passing out. When he came to, he was sitting in a chair with a belt around his waist, as were the others save for Spock’s body.

“What are you?” The woman from before asked. “Why are you here?”

“Because...” Jim winced, then jabbed his thumb in Spock’s direction. “Because you took his brain, and we need it back. If we don’t, he’ll... he’ll  _ die.” _

“Ah, yes, brain. You spoke to Luma of brain as well, but we do not understand-!”

“I don’t know about this Luma girl, but  _ you  _ were on the Enterprise, and I know  _ you  _ took it!”

“I do not know these things you speak of.”

“You came to my ship and took the love of my life’s brain, dammit!”

“We know only here below and here above. This is our place. You are not Morg. You are stranger.”

“I  _ saw you  _ on my ship-!”

“Jim. I’m not sure she remembers that, or even knows. Disassociation could be complete, but... it doesn’t seem possible she could have performed surgery on Spock.”

Jim grimaced, then sighed, sitting back down.

“No, it... it doesn’t.”

“You hurt Luma. It is not permitted again to hurt anyone.”

“I... I’m sorry, Luma, I don’t... I don’t  _ want  _ to hurt anyone, but... Spock is important to me. Do you understand that?”

“No. If you wish to return to your home, you may go.”

Jim swallowed, then leaned in a bit, smiling as gently as he could right now.

“You know what? I think... I think we’d rather stay here and learn about you.”

“We would?” Bones asked.

“Yes, we would. We’ll also tell you of us. Right, Bones?”

“Uh... yes, for... for instance, above, it’s cold and harsh, and below, it’s warm.”

“The air’s fresh,” M’Benga added.

“Aye, there’s... there’s no sun, but there’s light!” Scotty commented.

“Yes, so... so we’d love to talk to whoever’s in charge here, if that’s okay?”

“In charge?”

“You know, uh... the people who tell you what to do?”

“I am leader. There is no other.”

“Well, who built the machines?” Scotty asked.

“Who are the doctors?” Bones added.

“Who operates?” M’Benga added.

“Who controls this complex?” Jim finished.

“Control...” Her face lit up. “Oh! Controller?”

“Yes! Yes, the controller! Who... who controls? I want to meet them-!”

“No! It is not permitted! Never! Controller is alone, apart! We serve Controller! No other is permitted near!”

“We intend no harm-!”

“You have come to destroy us!”

“No, no! I promise you, all we want is Spock’s brain back, and we’ll leave-!”

“Brain and brain, what is brain?!” She paused, then narrowed her eyes. “It is Controller, is it not?”

“Uh... yeah, it... it is. In a way, the Human brain controls the individual’s functions-!”

“Bones. M’Benga. Scotty. Spock’s... Spock’s brain controls...”

Bones’ eyes widened.

“You’re... you’re not saying...”

“Sweet lord,” M’Benga muttered.

Jim tried hamming it up once more, but she wasn’t having any of it, and Jim found himself knocked out once more. Once they woke up and knocked the guards out, Jim opened up his communicator.

“Spock? Spock, honey, can you hear me?”

Silence. Jim’s heart sank.

“Sweetheart, come on,  _ please.  _ I... I need you, please, you were on this frequency, come on-!”

_ “T’hy’la. I am still here.” _

Jim let out a rather wet sigh of relief.

“Thank god, don’t... don’t scare me like that, angel, okay?”

_ “Jim, I am not a biblical creature typically depicted as a winged humanoid-!” _

“Spock. Not now.”

_ “Yes, Jim. Have you returned to the Enterprise?” _

“No, we’re... we’re still looking for you. We might be able to find you if you... do you have any idea what they’re using you for? Is it, is it medical?”

_ “I am uncertain. I seem to have a body which stretches into infinity.” _

“Body? He ain’t got no body to begin with-!”

_ “Scotty,”  _ Jim hissed, too late for Spock not to hear.

_ “What does he mean by that, Jim?” _

Jim flinched, then swallowed hard.

“I... sweetheart, you’re... you’re kind of a disembodied brain right now.”

There was silence from both the comm and Spock’s end of the meld.

_ “... Fascinating,”  _ Spock said just as a wave of emotion that could only be described as “what the actual  _ fuck”  _ came through their bond.  _ “That explains some things. For instance, why I am unable to use any of my sense, yet my bond with Jim remains as strong as ever. I must be communicating through thought.” _

_ Well not  _ all _ of your thoughts, apparently. Are you okay? _

_ “I am well, ashayam, I am simply... confused.” _

Welp. That confirmed it.

_ “I am able to confirm that my brain is still operating as though it were still in my body. Signals are still being fired as though I still had nerves-!” _

“Spock, that’s fascinating, really, but we  _ super  _ don’t have time, okay?”

_ “Why are you rushing so, Jim?” _

“Because we have your body with us, and if your brain doesn’t get put back where it belongs, it  _ will  _ die, and as much as I love your mind, Spock, I also love the rest of you, and I...” Jim swallowed. “I can’t... I don’t want to lose you, Spock. I  _ can’t  _ lose you, not now.”

_ “Jim... while that is thoughtful, I am uncertain if it is practical. While I trust Dr. McCoy and Dr. M’Benga’s medical knowledge in most cases, I am uncertain if they have the medical knowledge necessary to replace a brain. No offense meant, doctors, it is simply that that skill does not yet exist in this galaxy.” _

Bones snorted.

“I told your other half the same thing a thousand times, Spock.”

“Well the skill to remove it exists right where we are! Restoring it has to also be possible! I can’t... I’m not giving up, Spock.” He smiled wryly. “I don’t believe in no-win scenarios, remember?”

_ “Jim... you are impossible, but also quite dear to me.” _

Jim grinned. 

“Love you too, babe.”

Bones rolled his eyes as M’Benga and Scotty both cooed.

“I changed my mind, go back to being idiots,” Bones muttered.

“Not on your life. Spock, I’m going to find you one way or another, so are you gonna help or not?”

_ “... Very well. But I must insist, if it comes down to a choice between my life and your own-!” _

“It’s not going to.” Jim swallowed hard. “I... I refuse to let you go that easily.”

_ “... Once again, you are impossible, Jim.” _

Jim grinned, the affection he felt coming from Spock a clear sign that he was secretly really happy about Jim’s choice.

 

* * *

 

The world was hazy as Spock returned to consciousness. He was dimly aware that he had been speaking but a moment ago, but he could not quite recall what he had said. 

“Spock...?” 

Spock blinked as he sat up slightly, propping himself up with his elbow and turning to Jim.

Jim, whose eyes and cheeks were slightly wet.

Jim had been crying. This was unacceptable. Spock slowly reached up, cupping Jim’s cheek with his palm.

_ “T’hy’la,”  _ he murmured. “I am here.”

A small sob escaped Jim’s lips, and then Spock was being kissed, his own face cradled in Jim’s hands. He could feel his mate’s relief and joy, as well as all the stress and fear he’d experienced in the past twenty-four hours.

“I was scared,” Jim whispered against his lips. “I was scared, I was so,  _ so  _ scared, I thought- I thought you were going to  _ die _ and I’d never see you again-!”

_ “Ashayam,”  _ he interrupted gently, brushing a lock of blond hair out of Jim’s eyes. “Never. I will never leave you, Jim. I am here.”

Jim smiled through his tears, then pressed his lips against Spock’s once more.

Then McCoy cleared his throat.

“So... I’m guessing you’re feeling alright, Spock?”

Jim laughed as he broke the kiss, wiping at his eyes and grinning up at McCoy.

“I am well, doctor, thank you.”

“Hell, I’m the one who should be thanking  _ you,  _ Spock. You’re the one guided me through that.”

“Indeed. This is a fascinating culture we have located, Jim. A remarkable example of a retrograde civilization, at the peak advanced beyond any of our capabilities, and now, operating at this primitive level, which you saw. And it all began thousands of years ago when a glacial age reoccurred. You see, this underground complex was developed for the women, the men remained above, and a male-female schism took place. A fascinating culture development of a kind-!”

McCoy let out a groan.

“Dammit, I knew I should never have done it!”

“Done what?” M’Benga asked.

“I should never have reconnected his mouth!”

Spock blinked, pursing his lips, and Jim laughed.

“It’s okay, honey, I like hearing you talk about stuff you find fascinating.” His mate grinned. “It’s really cute when you’re enthusiastic like this, y’know.”

Spock blinked, then blushed, then blushed even more when he realized that his body had... overreacted somewhat to that statement.

Jim blinked.

“Uh, Spock?”

“I... I apologize, Jim, it... it appears that some aspects of my nervous system and... hormonal regulation are still adjusting...”

“Aw.” Jim leaned in and kissed him softly. “You know I’m definitely gonna remember that, right?”

_ “Jim.” _

“Okay, okay.” He grinned. “Now, what were you saying about this culture?”

“Ah, yes. It is a fascinating cultural development, the kind which hasn’t been seen in ages...”

Jim laughed again, leaning his head on Spock’s shoulder, which made him feel quite content.

Although he was still somewhat nervous as to the inevitable moment where they resumed their conversation from... yesterday morning at this point, at which point Spock would have to admit that...

Spock would have to admit to his total lack of experience when it came to sexual relations with a partner.

However, given Jim’s reaction to this entire endeavor, he was beginning to believe he had less to worry about than originally expected.

 

* * *

 

Jim’s heart was beating stupidly fast as he entered Spock’s quarters that night.

It did not help that Spock had changed back into his uniform pants, but wasn’t wearing his Science blues, just that short-sleeved black undershirt that showed off his arms.

“Hey,” he said quietly, pulling his boyfriend down for a kiss.

“Hello,” Spock replied, smiling just a little, the way he did when it was just him and Jim all alone.

A smile just for Jim. Oh, how he loved this Vulcan.

“So, uh...” Jim hesitated, putting a hand on Spock’s naked bicep. “Bones put you on twenty-four hours medical leave, huh?”

“Yes. The good doctor believes I should rest for a period before resuming my duties.”

Jim snorted, leaning his head against Spock’s shoulder.

“Yeah, I have to agree there... I was really scared, Spock.”

“I know,  _ ashayam.  _ I am sorry.”

“S’not your fault...” Jim blushed, biting his lip. “Did, uh... did Bones instruct you not to do anything else for a while? Like, uh... exercise?”

He could  _ feel  _ Spock blush- both physically thanks to their close proximity, and mentally thanks to their bond.

“Ah, well... he did inform me that I should not exercise heavily, but there is one activity he recommended I do with... with you.”

Jim’s heart skipped a beat.

“Y-Yeah?”

“Yes, he... he referenced forming a creature with two backsides, which I assume is a euphemism for... for sexual intercourse.”

Jim laughed, shaking his head as he looked up at Spock, then leaned up and kissed him once more. Like most of their kisses, it started off gentle enough, but quickly progressed- in less than a minute, Spock’s tongue was in his mouth, and Jim had pushed up the bottom of Spock’s undershirt and started rubbing circles into his hips. 

“I,” Spock breathed against Jim’s lips as his hands slowly began moving southward from the small of his back, “I believe we... we should... should...”

“Bed?” Jim suggested before pressing a kiss to Spock’s jaw. He got a delightful little shudder out of him for his trouble.

“I believe that would be wise, yes.” 

Jim grinned, then yelped as his boyfriend picked him up, laughing partially because Spock had decided to cup his ass while carrying him, and partially because he was just... really  _ happy. _

They landed on the bed in a heap, Spock’s lips pressing up against his neck and jaw, then his lips briefly before he he pulled away. Spock’s eye were wide, his chocolate-colored irises nearly completely obscured by wide, dark pupils. His hair was mussed, his cheeks and the tips of his ears a vibrant shade of green.

He looked good enough to eat.

“Well, Mr. Spock?” Jim purred, stretching out on the bed a bit. “You’ve got me where you want me. I’m all yours.  _ Ravish  _ me.”

Jim had kind of been expecting Spock to growl at that, or maybe shout  _ “mine,”  _ and then pin him to the bed before kissing the life out of him.

He hadn’t expected Spock’s eyes to widen impossibly further, or his mouth to close into a thin, worried line, or- and he was certain of it this time- his ears to  _ droop. _

Nor had he expected a wave of nervousness to flow through their bond. Jim blinked, moving his hands to cup Spock’s face.

“Hey, are you okay? You look a little freaked out.”

“V... Vulcans do not get freaked out, Jim.”

“Okay, well, what about Spocks?”

Spock winced almost imperceptibly, his ears drooping even more.

“I... that is, I...”

“Spock... look, if... if you don’t wanna do this-!”

Spock whimpered, leaning in and kissing Jim roughly as he slowly rolled their hips together. Jim gasped at the sensation, as well as the confirmation of just how  _ badly  _ Spock wanted this. He moaned against Spock’s lips as he reached up to tangle his fingers in his boyfriend’s hair, rocking his hips up against Spock’s. 

The kiss broke shortly after that, though only so Spock could take Jim’s uniform top off without tearing the damn thing off- although thanks to their bond, he could tell that he’d considered it, deciding against it only because Jim had already torn so many shirts at this point. Before Jim could protest that thought, Spock’s lips were on his again, and he got distracted by the way their erections slid together through their pants.

Which, frankly, were getting a little restrictive. So Jim decided to take some initiative, reaching between them to get at Spock’s fly, and maybe tease the bulge between his legs a little.

Again, his expectations were not met. He’d been expecting Spock to gasp, maybe moan a little and jerk into the touch.

What happened instead was Spock whimpering and jerking  _ away  _ from the touch, and away from Jim entirely. Jim blinked, then frowned as he looked up at his boyfriend, who was now sitting next to Jim on the bed, panting and staring down.

“Okay, Spock, what’s the matter?”

Spock blushed, shaking his head.

“I... n-nothing is, there is nothing-!”

“Spock. I can feel how nervous you are through our bond.” Jim bit his lip, then sighed as he sat up. “Honey. If you don’t want to do this-!”

“It is not that I do not want to have sex with you!” Spock blurted out, blushing even more and turning away. “I... I very much want to... I simply... I am...”

“... You’re what?” Jim prompted, putting a hand on Spock’s knee. “Spock, what is it?”

“I... I...” Spock swallowed, bouncing his leg slightly. “It... it is difficult for me to admit this.”

“Admit what? Come on, I’m sure it’s fine.”

“It is... it is somewhat embarrassing.”

Jim smiled a little.

“I’m sure it’s not. I mean, it’s not like you’re a virgin or some-!”

Spock made a choked sound, his face flooding green as he hunched over slightly.

Jim’s eyes widened.

“W-Wait, are...  _ are  _ you a virgin?”

Spock whimpered, bringing up his legs and curling into himself.

“... yes.” 

“... oh.”

Oh. Oh,  _ wow. _

Well. Jim couldn’t say he’d been expecting this. In terms of things he’d been expecting when it came to having sex with Spock, his boyfriend being nearly thirty-one and still a virgin ranked somewhere between “tentacles are involved somehow” and “it’s actually another hand down there,” meaning that he had  _ really  _ not been expecting this.

Although, maybe he should have. After all, Spock had been engaged to a woman since he was seven, and since he was gay he was probably not having sex with her at any point. Plus, he vaguely remembered T’Vin mentioning that most Vulcans were a little weird about sex outside of bonded pairs- which he guessed was kinda like abstinence until marriage or whatever. And well, the poor guy  _ did  _ tend to pop boners a lot when they were kissing, and then get so flustered Jim would start giggling and the mood would be ruined.

Okay. So it was a  _ little  _ obvious in hindsight. 

“Jim?”

“Eh?”

Spock was looking at him again, although most of his face was obscured by his shoulder. Those brown eyes of his were clearly visible, though, and... and he looked  _ scared. _

“Are... are you upset with me?”

Jim blinked.

“What?”

“Are you upset that I did not inform you of this earlier? I... I realize that this is perhaps... not an ideal scenario, but... I...” Spock sighed. “No, I do not have a logical reason for this, I... I was afraid.”

Jim’s heart sank a little.

“You were... Spock, did you think I’d reject you over this?”

Spock didn’t speak for a moment, and Jim feared the worst.

“Spock-!”

“P... Prior to learning the true depths of your affections for me, I was concerned that my lack of experience may repulse you, which was part of the reason I did not dare tell you the truth. However, now that I am aware of how much you care for me, I have since decided that a total rejection would be a highly unlikely response, but... you may have been somewhat put off at the prospect of sleeping with a virgin.”

“What? Sweetheart, why would you think that?”

“... Because you are much more experienced than I am. For example, your relationship with T’Vin was tantamount to a one-night stand, was it not?”

Jim blushed a bit.

“Uh, well... it was more like a one- _ week  _ stand, but yeah.”

“Indeed. From the way you spoke about her, I assumed that she was not the first, or the only, person you had a sexual relationship with, nor the first or only person you had casual sex with. In addition... you recall that you allowed me access to your medical files after Kodos?”

“Yeah, why?”

“I am unsure if you are aware of this, but your medical history contains a somewhat lengthy section on various sexually transmitted infections you have contracted and been cured of, some of which I had not thought Humans could contract.”

Jim blinked, then blushed all the way up to the roots of his hair.

“Uh... well... okay, so maybe I slept around a lot when I was younger... you’re, um, you’re not mad about that, are you? Cause, well, that’s definitely gonna be an issue if you’re-!”

“We did not even know each other until two years ago, Jim. It would be illogical to object to something long in the past, and even then, we have only been romantically involved for three point two two weeks, which would make it illogical for me to object to you having sex with anyone else before then. In addition, since the last STI you contracted was cured seven point two eight years ago, I assume there is no danger in... in having sexual relations with you.” Spock glanced up at him. “Unless there is something you should speak to Dr. McCoy about?”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“Uh, no, I’m, I’m clean, although...” He cleared his throat, rubbing the back of his neck nervously. “That’s, er... that’s not really because I started being more careful, um... I kinda have something to tell you too.”

Spock blinked, sitting up slightly.

“I am certain that it will not be the same thing I have confessed to.”

“Considering that I have a kid who’s clearly mine, no, but... it’s a little bit similar. You see, um... I’ve kind of been in a dry spell.”

Spock blinked again, then arched an eyebrow.

“I am unfamiliar with that term.”

“It... it means that I haven’t had sex in a while. Like, a  _ long  _ while.”

“... Exactly how long has it been since the last time you had sexual contact with someone?”

“With someone who wasn’t myself?” Jim cleared his throat, flushing slightly. “... the vast majority of my daughter’s life.”

Spock blinked, his eyebrow rising to meet the other.

“... Elaborate.”

Jim flushed even more.

“I... look, the last time I had sex was two days before T’Vin dropped Alice off at my mom’s house, okay?”

“You... you have gone over seven years without engaging in sexual relations?”

“Yup. To be fair, I didn’t actually realize it until... well... you, uh, you remember the pleasure planet we had shore leave on two years ago?”

“I remember seeing you kissing a shirtless version of myself there in the first meld we shared on the Enterprise-B.”

Jim squawked, glancing at Spock and flushing when he saw his arched eyebrow.

“Ah-heh, well... the thing about that is, is, uh... okay, confession time, I kinda started crushing on you after the whole Kodos thing and the pleasure planet is kinda where the overwhelming lust part came in. Shirtless fake-you was actually a product of me realizing that I hadn’t sex in almost five years at that point while making out with fake-T’Vin, then thinking that my crush on you was misplaced lust for her and... well, there you were.” He grinned sheepishly. “I was pretty wrong about that, by the way, turns out I genuinely had the hots for you.”

Spock flushed, although he could see his lips twitch up into a smile. Jim grinned back, then scooted a bit closer to him.

“So... you feeling any better now?”

“I... yes, a bit. It is something of a relief to know that you have not engaged in coitus for an extended period of time, although... I am still a bit concerned that I will not live up to your sexual standards.”

“Oh, Spock.” Jim sighed, then smiled, scooting even closer so that they were sitting shoulder to shoulder. “Look, you really don’t have anything to worry about there. Sure, I used to have, like, a  _ lot  _ of sex, but it wasn’t... it wasn’t really  _ intimate,  _ you know?”

“Jim, I remind you, I am still a virgin. I do not know.”

Jim laughed, resting his head on Spock’s shoulder.

“I mean that it was... it was fast, and rough, and hard, and while the idea of doing that with you  _ has  _ spawned a few fantasies, you know what I really want to do with you?”

Spock was blushing again as he shook his head. Jim smiled, leaning over and kissing Spock’s cheek.

“I want to be gentle. I want to take my time, learn what makes you tick, memorize every inch of you. I want to say sappy shit and laugh and... and have sex in the  _ missionary position, _ which by the way is something I haven’t really done since  _ I  _ was a virgin.” He moved his lips to Spock’s, pressing gently. “I’ve... god, this is gonna sound cheesy, but... I’ve had a lot of sex, but what I want to do with  _ you _ is make love.”

_ “Jim,”  _ Spock breathed, leaning into Jim and pushing him onto his back before kissing him. Jim laughed against his lips, wrapping his arms around Spock’s neck and spreading his legs, allowing Spock to settle between them. Spock pulled away after a moment, a small smile gracing his lips. 

“So,” Jim started lowly, “do you still wanna do it, or...?”

Spock blushed a bit, glancing to the side.

“I... I would like to... to touch you and be touched sexually, but I... I do not believe I am entirely emotionally prepared for... penetrative intercourse.”

Jim smiled, leaning up and kissing him gently.

“That’s okay. Hell, it’s probably for the best, I’m willing to bet that you don’t have any lube, which means I’d have to go into my quarters and get the bottle from my nightstand, and even if Alice didn’t hear me it would probably still kinda put a damper on the mood.”

“Indeed.”

He laughed, then pushed on Spock’s shoulders until he sat up, guiding him back onto the pillows.

“So. Since this is your first time, I think I’ll give you a handjob. How’s that sound?”

Spock blinked, then turned bright green once more.

“I-! I, you, you do not have to-!”

“You kidding? Spock, I’ve thought about doing literally everything I can think of to you, multiple times. I wanna jerk you off.”

Spock’s lips were pressed into a thin line again, and he was glancing around nervously. Jim sighed.

“Is there something else you’re nervous about?”

“It... it is not quite as pressing as my, my lack of experience, but...” Spock’s Adam’s apple bobbed a bit. “My... my genitals may not be exactly what you are expecting.”

Jim blinked, then arched an eyebrow, glancing at the rather obvious bulge in Spock’s slacks.

“That looks like a dick to me, Spock.”

“Y-You, you misunderstand, I... while I do have a, a penis, it... it does not exactly resemble a Human’s.” He blushed. “Or a Vulcan’s.”

Jim blinked again.

“What, so it’s... it’s something in between?”

“Y-Yes... it may look... strange to you, and since you are the first person who will see me like this, I... I have no metric by which to gauge your response.”

Jim smiled gently, moving up and kissing Spock again.

“Sweetheart, I’ve seen some  _ odd  _ dicks in my day. And vaginas. And some stuff that really doesn’t count as either. Whatever you have, it’s probably not even gonna be a blip on my weirdness radar. Besides, I love you, so even if you have, like, a puzzle dick or something, I’d be more than happy to do as much exploration as necessary to make sure you feel good.”

Spock still looked a little nervous, but smiled, settling back onto the pillows. Jim grinned, kissing him once more before finally-  _ finally-  _ unbuttoning his pants. He pulled them down, tracing a line down from the tip of the bulge before slowly tugging them off.

It was at that point that Jim’s eyes went wide.

“Jesus  _ fuck,  _ Spock, how do you walk around with that hanging between your legs all the time?”

Spock blinked, looking adorably confused.

“I do not understand what that means.”

“I  _ mean  _ that you’re hung like a horse!”

More blank looks.

“You’re  _ big,  _ Spock.”

“I am rather average for a Vulcan.”

“Average-! Jesus, okay, I  _ totally _ get why your mom married your dad now.”

Spock blinked before a look of absolute  _ disgust  _ passed over his features, his erection wilting slightly.

“Jim. I do not wish to think of my parents copulating at this time. Or  _ ever.” _

Jim snickered, grinning sheepishly.

“Aw, sorry... does it help if I tell you that this is  _ definitely  _ gonna have to go in my ass at some point?”

Spock blushed, his cock stiffening right back to attention. Jim grinned, leaning over and kissing him again.

“Like that idea, huh?”

“I... Jim, please, I... I would very much like you to touch me now...”

“Hm...” Jim moved back, crouching down so that his face was near Spock’s length. “Gimme a minute.”

“Jim-!”

“Oh, alright, Mr. Impatient, here.” Gently, Jim grasped the base of Spock’s cock, stroking slowly. His boyfriend cried out, shivering a bit. “Now shush, I wanna look at this thing I’ve been lusting after for two years.”

And lord, was it ever worth the wait. Spock’s dick was flushed a deep emerald green, much like the rest of him at the moment. It was a good bit longer than Jim’s too, but Jim’s was still thicker. There was also the matter of the head- it looked mostly like a circumcised Human cock, but with the addition of a second ridge under the normal glans, which Jim was sure was going to feel  _ amazing  _ once Spock finally fucked him-!

“A-Ah...”

“Hm? Oh, um, sorry, sweetheart, was that too much?”

Spock was panting a little as he shook his head.

“N-No, it is... I simply... the idea is, is very arousing...”

Jim laughed, grinning a little.

“Yeah, that one’s gotten me going a lot too... want me to move my hand a little faster?”

Spock whimpered, then nodded. 

“Okay. Uh, hang on a sec.”

He could feel Spock’s curiosity as he withdrew his hand, which only grew when he licked it.

“Just, trust me, this’ll feel better if it’s not dry,” Jim explained as he gripped Spock around the base of his cock again. Spock seemed to want to protest, but as soon as Jim started moving his hand again, whatever he wanted to say seemed to die in his throat, a guttural moan escaping his lips as his head lolled back. Jim’s own neglected cock twitched in his pants, and he had to resist the urge to touch himself as he went back to inspecting Spock’s magnificent piece.

Outside of the head, Spock’s cock looked pretty Human, although there was a pretty big difference at the very base of it, where his balls were.

Or, rather, where his balls  _ should  _ have been. They weren’t  _ under  _ his cock, which seamlessly blended into his taint. Instead, they kind of stuck out on either side of his dick, not touching, and while Jim thought every single part of Spock was gorgeous and perfect, he  _ did  _ have to admit that his boyfriend’s testicles were a little disproportionately small-!

“They... they are not, oh, they are not disproportionate, mm...”

Jim blinked, looking up at Spock, then looking away because quite frankly the guy looked like he was about two seconds from losing it and Jim didn’t want to come in his pants like a teenager.

“Uh, um, I... I hate to tell you this, babe, but with a dick as long as yours, your balls should be a little bigger than, than that...”

“Th-They are... Vul-! Hah!” Spock bit his lip, closing his eyes as he tangled his fists in the sheets. “J... Jim... Vulcan... Vulcans have internal testes...”

Jim blinked before his eyes widened in realization.

“Oh! Oh, you mean... so yours are like, partially internal?”

“They, they are mostly internal...”

“Huh. Does it hurt?”

Spock blinked.

“I do not experience any pain in my testicles unless-!” Spock whimpered. “U-Unless something is, is wrong...”

“No, I mean, does it hurt when you touch them?”

Spock blinked once more.

“Why would I touch my testicles?”

“Uh, because it feels nice? Here, let me show you-!”

The second Jim’s free hand made contact with Spock’s left testicle, his boyfriend all but  _ howled,  _ arching up off the bed. He fell back quickly when Jim removed his hand, whimpering a little.

“Uh... so is that a no on pain?”

“It... it does not hurt, but... if, if you touch me there again, I...”

He blushed, and Jim grinned.

“Getting close, huh?”

“I... I will most likely reach orgasm soon, yes...”

Jim smiling, shifting around so that he could kiss Spock while still working his dick.

“Alright. Don’t hold back, then.”

To his surprise, Spock shook his head.

“I... it has only been a-approximately, ah, f-five minutes since, since you began your ministrations...”

“That’s actually pretty good for a first time.” He leaned in, kissing him gently as he stroked him a little faster. “Come on, Spock, let it out. I wanna see the face you make when you come, I’ve been thinking about it for so, so long...”

“I... I...”

Jim slowed his hand down, loosening his grip so he could brush his palm against Spock’s right testicle. Spock’s eyes snapped open as he let out a little gasp, his face contorting slightly before his mouth finally fell open in pleasure, letting out a loud moan that quickly turned into a  _ scream. _

Dear lord. Spock was a  _ screamer.  _ Jim’s wet dreams could never compare to that reality. 

He grinned as Spock’s hips rocked up into his hand, glancing down to see... nothing.

Well, not  _ nothing,  _ exactly- Spock’s cock was twitching like he was coming, but he wasn’t  _ ejaculating.  _ Jim frowned, squeezing it a little as he began to stroke again- maybe he just needed a little more in order to come-!

_ “Kr... Kroykah, kroykah,  _ Jim,  _ sanu,  _ it- it  _ hurts-!” _

Jim immediately released his boyfriend’s length, his eyes wide as he looked at Spock, who was currently shaking from overstimulation.

“Oh, shit, sweetheart, I’m- I’m so sorry, I didn’t-! I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just-!”

“Jim,” Spock gasped, shaking his head. “Jim, stop... please do not speak for a moment, I...”

Jim blinked, then nodded, settling in next to a shivering Spock. His own neglected dick ached with need, but he ignored it, instead watching as his boyfriend’s breathing gradually slowed back down.

“M’sorry,” Jim murmured quietly. “I, I didn’t mean to hurt you, I just... nothing happened, so I thought that maybe you hadn’t...”

“I... I would hardly call the most powerful orgasm of my life  _ nothing,  _ Jim...”

Jim blinked, looking up at Spock with raised eyebrows.

“Wait, really?”

Spock smiled tiredly, turning over and kissing Jim lightly.

“Yes.”

“But... but you didn’t, y’know...”

Spock looked at him blankly.

“I do not know. What are you speaking of?”

“You... you didn’t... well, nothing came  _ out.” _

Spock blinked, then actually chuckled a little. 

“Ah, I see. My apologies, Jim, I... I thought you knew.”

“Knew what?”

“While Vulcans with penises are able to experience orgasm so long as the genitals receive proper stimulation, we do not ejaculate outside of penetrative sex.” He blushed. “With... with the exception of prostate stimulation, of course.”

“Oh.” Jim grinned up at him. “Welp, guess that means I’m gonna have to finger you if I want to fulfill my fantasy of you coming down my throat, huh?”

Spock blinked, then blushed even more.

“I... th-that is, um. I am uncertain if Vulcan... if Vulcan ejaculate is safe for Human consumption.”

“Eh, don’t worry, I’ll just ask Ambassador Spock.”

This only seemed to make Spock blush  _ more. _

_ “Jim.” _

“What? He and his Jim were married, Spock, you really think they never got down and dirty? Besides, the only other Human married to a Vulcan we both know is your mom, and I dunno about you, but I think I’d be happier  _ not  _ knowing if she has the answer to that-!”

Spock’s hand snaked its way between them, squeezing Jim’s still clothed cock and effectively derailing his train of thought. He moaned, thrusting up into those maddening fingers.

“S-Spock...”

“I believe it is your turn,  _ ashayam.” _

“I... y-you just finished, you’re probably-!”

“Jim. I have wanted to touch you this way for well over a year now. Please, allow me this.”

Jim’s face felt like it was on fire, and he felt himself nod. In a period of time that felt both like a split-second and an eternity, his pants and underwear were gone, and Spock’s wonderful,  _ soft  _ hand was wrapped around his cock.

“Fascinating,” Spock murmured as he started to stroke. “I am curious about something, Jim.”

“Uh... uh-huh?” It was a little hard to concentrate with Spock’s thumb working his frenulum like that. 

“I have read that while for a long period in American history, it was routine to circumcise all children born with penises save for those parents who decided to opt out, by the twenty-second century most parents chose not to circumcise save for those who did for religious reasons.” Spock squeezed his dick, and Jim  _ whimpered.  _ “Is that true in your case?”

“I... My... my dad’s family’s Jewish, yeah... god, just like that...”

“I see. By stating that your father’s family is Jewish, though, do you mean to say that you are not-?”

_ “Spock.  _ I love you, really, really I do, but I’m like, stupid close to coming and I really don’t wanna have a conversation about religion right now!”

Spock chuckled, bastard that he was.

“I assure you, Jim, my parents were married at the time of my birth.”

“Oh, you fucking know what I-!  _ Hahn!” _

Jesus Christ, he was teasing the slit of his cock so  _ perfectly,  _ how did even know to  _ do  _ that-?

“Touch telepathy,  _ t’hy’la.”  _ He leaned in, kissing Jim gently. “Are you about to climax-?”

_ “Yes,”  _ Jim hissed, rocking up against Spock’s hand. “Yes,  _ fuck,  _ I’m so  _ close,  _ god, god, I love you, I love you so much, I wanna come so  _ bad,  _ Spock, please,  _ please-!” _

Spock squeezed just a little, and that was it- Jim was gone, crying out and rutting up against Spock’s fingers as he spilled over them. The world went white, narrowing down to just Jim and Spock and those cool, long fingers wrapped around him, working him through his orgasm gently. He was vaguely aware of Spock hushing him, but he couldn’t force himself to be quiet- he wasn’t exactly a screamer like Spock, but “Jim Kirk is loud in bed” was a pretty well-known fact back in Riverside.

They should probably request for Scotty to soundproof both of their quarters.

“Soundproofing is logical, but that is a rather odd thought to have after one has just had an orgasm,” Spock commented before pressing a kiss to Jim’s forehead. Jim giggled tiredly.

“Well, we’re both loud, so I don’t wanna... wake the neighbors or whatever... or Alice, Alice would be  _ so  _ much worse.”

“Indeed,” Spock agreed before he turned over and got out of bed. Jim whined, reaching for him.

“No, come back, I wanna cuddle...”

“I am simply going to the bathroom to get a towel,  _ t’hy’la,”  _ Spock explained as he pulled his pants back up. “I will be but a minute, and then I will hold you all you like.”

Jim yawned, snuggling into the pillow.

“M’kay... but hurry, cause I dunno if... if I can stay awake too long...”

Spock smiled, promising to do so before going into the bathroom. Jim sighed, his eyes drooping as sleep threatened to claim him.

“Thus ends my dry spell...” he murmured tiredly. 

And what an end it was. He hadn’t come like  _ that  _ since, well... since that first time he’d jerked off while thinking about Spock.

“I am pleased to know that I have caused you to have two very powerful orgasms, Jim,” Spock commented as he walked out of the bathroom, towel in hand. “Even if in the first case, I was unaware I had done so.”

Jim blushed, rolling his eyes.

“Oh, hush, I know you’ve thought about me while jerking it before.”

Spock flushed as he got back into bed, pulling back the sheets and turning Jim over to clean up the drops of cum that had landed on his thighs.

“I... I have thought of you the few times I have masturbated, yes.”

“Ha! See, not so high and mighty now, are-!” Jim blinked. “Wait, the... the few times you’ve...? Spock, are you saying you never masturbated before you met me?”

“That is incorrect.”

Jim let out a sigh of relief.

“My first masturbatory experience was the night after my  _ pon farr  _ ended, because that was the point where my sexual attraction to you solidified.”

“Okay,  _ what,”  _ Jim said, sitting up slightly. “Spock, are you seriously saying that you didn’t have an orgasm until you were  _ thirty?” _

Spock flushed.

“I... most Vulcans do not experience orgasm until their or their bondmate’s first  _ pon farr,  _ as we are able to will away sexual arousal through meditation. In addition, Vulcans do not experience... nocturnal emissions.”

Jim quirked an eyebrow- that was way too specific not to be carefully worded.

“And what about Spocks? Do they experience nocturnal emissions?”

Spock turned bright green, clearing his throat as he put the towel onto the nightstand and laid down next to Jim.

“... they do.”

Jim laughed, snuggling into his boyfriend’s chest.

“Well, if it helps, I’ve had quite a few myself. Matter of fact, there’s one I’ve had so many times that I’ve kinda memorized it. It’s me and you, and we’re in this bed. I’m riding you, and then you-!”

“Then I flip us over and begin thrusting into you much harder...?”

Jim blinked, looking up at his boyfriend.

“Uh... yeah, actually. I haven’t told you this already, have I?”

“You... you have not.” Spock looked a little stunned. “Jim, I... I have also had that dream. That is the dream I had the night after my Time ended, which was shortly... which was shortly after our bond began forming.”

Jim’s heart skipped a beat.

“Wait, you... you don’t think...?”

“It... it is not unheard of for bondmates to share dreams... or be able to participate in them.”

Jim grinned, snickering and shaking his head.

“Man, shoulda guessed something was up. I’d had that dream a thousand times before, and you’d never needed to be told you could come inside before.” He leaned up, kissing his boyfriend gently. “Which, by the way? Giving enthusiastic consent for you to do when you fuck me.”

Spock turned a very cute shade of green, and Jim laughed, pausing when a thought occurred to him.

“Hey... you used a lot of pet names in that dream. I know what  _ ashayam  _ and  _ t’hy’la  _ mean, but what about the last one? Started with a ‘kuh’ sound?”

Spock blushed again.

“It... it is a term from old Vulcan, one that has fallen out of favor due to the emotional connotations...  _ k’hat’n’dlawa _ means ‘half of my heart and soul.’”

Jim blinked, then grinned, a flush blooming in his cheeks.

“Aw, Spock, you big softie. Oh, just so you know, the pet names do stuff for me, which I’m as surprised about as anyone, so feel free to-!”

“Jim.”

“Yeah?”

“It is late. Go to sleep.”

“Aw, but I wanna-!”

“Sleep,  _ ashayam.” _

Jim grumbled, settling into sleep against his Vulcan.

“Fine, fine... Spock?”

“Jim, please-!”

“I love you.”

Spock was quiet for a moment before Jim felt a pair of lips pressed into his hair.

“I love you as well. Now sleep.”

Jim drifted off with a smile on his face.

 

* * *

 

**2260.342**

After being a starship captain for a few years, and the father of a half-Vulcan child for a few more, Jim would have said that not much could faze him.

However, a bunch of kids playing “Ring around the Rosie” with him a few feet from the bodies of their parents was not something the Academy or fatherhood had prepared him for. 

They were a lot more solemn once they’d buried their parents, but- and here was the weird part- none of them seemed particularly upset. Even the youngest of them, who couldn’t be more than six years old, didn’t shed a single tear when faced with the graves of her mothers. In fact, once the flag was in the ground, the kids all tore off and started playing again.

“I’m no stranger to unhealthy coping mechanisms, Bones, but this seems... weird,” Jim commented as the kids started playing tag.

“I’m not sure it  _ is  _ a coping mechanism, Jim. They’re not showing any of the physiological signs of grief- it’s as if they’re completely unaffected by the fact that their parents are dead. They’re not afraid either. They’re as happy as any kid their ages should be.”

“Maybe it’s traumatic shock?”

“Possible, but I’m not sure.”

“Humans do have an amazing capacity for believing what they choose and excluding that which is painful,” Spock stated. 

“Spock, I’ve seen a...” Jim swallowed, trying not to think about Tarsus. “I’ve seen a lot of traumatized kids before. Some of them did try to pretend things were okay, but not... not like this. It’s... it’s incredible.”

“What those kids saw  _ was  _ incredible, Jim. The way those deaths occurred,  _ any  _ reaction is possible, including lacunar amnesia.” Bones shrugged. “That’s my preliminary diagnosis, anyway. I’ll need to do some tests to be sure.”

Jim sighed, glancing back at the kids.

“Well... what about questioning them?”

“I wouldn’t try right now. They’re still too raw from this, some of them probably haven’t even fully realized what’s going on. Or they’re just... oblivious.” Bones sighed. “Swear to god, I may end up going down in history as the doctor who had to deal with the weirdest crap ever.”

“Alright, well... I don’t feel right about just leaving them here. Spock, call up the ship and tell them to prep five guest quarters for the kids.” He turned to the kids. “Hey, kids! It’s getting late, we need to head in now.”

“Aww...” they all groaned.

“But we don’t wanna go in yet!” The little girl- Mary, Jim remembered- protested.

“I know you don’t, sweetpea, but it’s getting dark. Look, I have a little girl of my own up on our ship, and I’m sure that once Dr. McCoy is done examining you, she’d love to play with you guys.”

The kids seemed excited about that, chattering happily as they followed Bones to be beamed up.

“Whatever happened here is locked up inside those kids,” Jim murmured.

“Yes. The attack on Dr. Starnes and his party must have been unprovoked.”

Jim blinked, looking at his boyfriend with an arched eyebrow.

“Attack? It looks more like a mass suicide.”

“That was my initial thought as well, Jim, but I believe ‘induced’ is a more accurate modifier. The party was coerced by an external force to kill themselves.”

“Like what?”

“Bacteria, perhaps. Or there may have been a pattern of mental health issues amongst the party that were exacerbated by extended isolation. Of course, such a state may also have been chemically induced.”

“Well, what would make the kids immune?”

“I do not know, but it is possible.”

“They... they could have been exempted by conscious design, right? Like, whoever did this decided not to off the kids?”

“That is a possibility, yes.”

“So their present behavior could be because they’re scared of whatever did this?”

“Or because they were promised a reward.”

“But this planet is uninhabited, right?”

“To the best of our knowledge, yes.” Spock’s tricorder blinked, and he furrowed his brow when he looked at it. “Odd.”

“What?”

“There appears to be some sort of disturbance coming from that cave.”

Jim frowned, following his boyfriend into the cave. Spock told him that while he was getting some lifeform-like readings, they weren’t humanoid, which was weird.

What was also weird was the sudden sense of  _ dread  _ that struck Jim.

“S... Spock, uh, is... is this place giving you the heebie-jeebies too?”

“I do not know what that is, Jim.”

“It’s- it’s like, is it creeping you out too?”

“No.”

Despite the way that anxiety was bubbling up in his gut, Jim managed to roll his eyes.

“Right, wrong question- I know Vulcans don’t get creeped out, but what about Spocks-?”

“Jim. I do not feel any sense of anxiety at this time.” Spock arched an eyebrow, looking concerned. “Are you well,  _ ashayam?  _ You have turned quite pale.”

“I... I don’t know, I just... I feel like something’s gonna jump out and kill me any second, I... m-maybe that’s what registering on your tricorder?”

“Jim, while I am familiar with both the sensation and the disorder of anxiety, I do not believe that is possible.”

“I... yeah, yeah, you’re right, it’s just... just me and my stupid, fucked-up brain I guess.” Jim blinked. “Wait, what? Where did that...?”

“Jim? Jim, you are shaking.”

“I...” Bile was rising up in Jim’s throat, and he covered his mouth. “Oh,  _ fuck.” _

Before Spock could respond to that, Jim bolted out of the cave, keeping his mouth clamped shut as best he could before-!

The second he was out of the cave, the urge to vomit was gone, as was the overwhelming anxiety screaming in his brain. He blinked, slowly standing back up as his boyfriend exited the cave.

“Jim, are you well?”

“I... yeah, I’m... I’m fine. That... that was weird.” He cleared his throat. “Must... must just have been a sympathetic reaction to, uh, to what happened here.”

_ “Ashayam,  _ if you are not feeling well-!”

“No, Spock, I mean it, I’m fine. Just... confused. Let’s... let’s just get back to the ship. I wanna check those tapes out, and I think I really should question those kids...”

 

* * *

 

“Daddy!” 

Jim laughed as his daughter ran up to him, kneeling down for a hug.

“Hey, buttercup! Did you meet the other kids?”

“Uh-huh! Christine gave us ice cream, too!” Alice made a face. “She wouldn’t let me have chocolate, though.”

“That’s cause chocolate makes Vulcans sick, angel.” Jim looked up at Chapel, quirking an eyebrow. “Also, you gave them ice cream?”

Chapel grinned sheepishly.

“I thought it would make them happy, sir.”

“It did!” One of the kids- Stevie, Jim was pretty sure- called. “I like her, she’s great!”

Jim laughed again, shaking his head.

“Alright, I guess I’ll defer to your expertise, nurse.”

Chapel smiled at him again, something for which Jim was grateful. He’d been kind of worried that she’d hate him now that he and Spock were dating, but she’d been as happy for them as anyone else.

Of course, Jim had also seen the way she and Bones were glancing at each other when they thought the other wasn’t looking, so it was possible that her crush on Spock was a sailed ship at this point.

“Well, since you’re all having so much fun, I think I’ll join you!” Jim said cheerfully as he let Alice go. 

“Please do!” The oldest, a red-haired boy of twelve named Tommy, said before taking another bite of his ice cream.

Jim laughed as he sat down next to Alice, who had happily returned to devouring her strawberry ice cream. Chapel brought him a small dish of vanilla, and he thanked her.

“This is a lot better than being on Triacus, huh?” 

“That dirty old planet?” Don, a Black boy around Alice’s age, muttered. 

“What’s so good about that place?” Ray, a Filipino boy of around nine, asked.

“Yeah!” Stevie agreed.

“You weren’t there very long, you don’t know,” Mary explained.

“I don’t think Daddy liked being there much either,” Alice commented. “He got real scared right before he and Papa left.”

_ “Alice,”  _ Jim hissed, blushing a little.

“What? You  _ were  _ scared, Daddy, I could feel it!”

“How’d you do that?” Tommy asked.

Alice pointed at her ears.

“I’m a Vulcan. Me and Daddy have a mental link, so we can feel each other’s feelings and talk to each other in our heads. Daddy and Papa can too, but that’s cause they just got married.”

The kids gasped excitedly.

“Mazel tov!” Tommy told Jim before returning to his ice cream.

“Wh- W-We’re not  _ married,  _ we’re  _ bonded!  _ It’s different!”

“But bonding is how Vulcans get married, Daddy,” Alice pointed out. “Mr. Ambassador told me so.”

Goddammit, old Spock.

“It’s- it’s still an early bond, buttercup, it’s not a- a  _ marriage  _ yet.”

Alice quirked an eyebrow.

“But you act like you’re married.”

“We do  _ not!” _

“Do you spend lots of time together?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you kiss?”

“Yeah.”

“Do you love Papa lots and lots?”

“Of course I do.”

“Do you sleep in the same bed?”

Jim blushed a little, clearing his throat.

“Y... Yeah.”

“Do you wanna spend the rest of your life with him?”

“More than anything.”

“And is Papa gonna become my papa for real the next time we go to New Vulcan?”

Jim smiled.

“Yup.”

“You’re married,” Alice concluded. “Just cause nobody wore a wedding dress doesn’t mean you’re not married.”

“Why would either of them wear a wedding dress?” Ray asked. “They’re both boys!”

“Boys can wear dresses if they want to, Ray!” Mary pointed out.

“Well, I don’t wanna wear a dress,” Jim muttered, unwilling to admit that Alice had proved her point. “Still, uh... I bet your parents didn’t like it there much either, huh?”

“Yes they did,” Tommy responded.

“Yeah, mine sure did.”

“Parents like  _ stupid  _ things!” Don concluded.

“Oh, well I don’t know about that,” Chapel said gently. “Parents like children.”

Mary snorted.

“That’s what you think.”

Jim frowned, sitting up slightly.

“I’m sure your parents loved you very much, Mary. That’s why they took you with them to Triacus.” He put an arm around Alice. “So they wouldn’t have to be so far away from you for such a long time. They would have missed you too much. And... and I’m sure that you’d miss them, right?”

The children looked at him blankly, save for Alice, who looked rather concerned about her new friends’ behavior.

“Bizzy!” Tommy suddenly started. “Bizzy, bizzy, bizzy!’

The kids suddenly started laughing for no reason, again save for a very confused Alice.

“What? What’s so funny?” She looked up at Jim. “Daddy, I don’t get it, what’s the joke?”

“I... I don’t know...”

The kids got up, leaving their ice cream behind to go run off and play in the back of the arboretum. 

“Guess what we are!” Don asked Chapel excitedly as they all ran around.

“Uh... oh! I get it, you’re a swarm of bees!”

“Yeah!” Mary started waving. “Come on, Alice! Come and play with us!”

“Okay!” Alice called back before getting up. She shrugged at Jim as she walked away, then turned and ran to join the rest of them.

Jim frowned, getting up and walking over to Chapel’s side.

“Watch out!” Mary shouted as she charged at Jim. “I’m gonna sting you!”

Jim caught her easily, blinking in confusion as she started poking his face.

“I’m stinging you! Buzz, buzz!”

“Hey, don’t sting my daddy!” Alice protested. “He’s allergic to bee stings! And pollen. And tree nuts, but not peanuts, which is good cause I like peanut butter-!”

“Now, just-!” Jim caught Mary’s “stinging” hand by her wrist. “Just hold on a second-!”

“Can we have some more ice cream, please?” Tommy asked, blinking expectantly.

“No, uh, it’ll... it’ll spoil your dinner.”

Tommy scoffed.

“See what I told ya? They  _ all  _ say it.”

“Yeah,” Mary agreed, glaring at Jim. Jim swallowed, putting her down.

“Okay, kids, you’ve... you’ve had a busy day, yeah? Why don’t you get some rest?”

They all protested, but eventually allowed Chapel to lead them away, although Jim asked Tommy to stay behind. Alice looked a little concerned, but left after a moment to go do her homework.

“Tommy,” Jim started once they sat down, “will you tell me what you saw?”

“Saw where?”

“In the cave. On the planet, on... Triacus.”

“You were there.”

Jim frowned.

“Did you see your father today?”

“Yeah.”

“Did he seem upset?”

“Yeah, he was  _ very  _ upset.”

“About what?”

“How should I know? What am I, my father’s keeper?”

Jim bit back a groan.

“Well, what was going on that might have upset him?”

“I dunno. He was always upset, just like you, Captain Kirk.”

Jim blinked.

“I’m... I’m not upset with you, Tommy. Look, I...” Jim sighed. “I get that this whole thing must be hard for you. I... I went through something kind of similar when I was a little older than you are now. I just want to help. Besides, we invited you here, I let you and your friends play with my own daughter. Why would we do that if we didn’t like you?”

Tommy shrugged.

“You have your reasons.”

“Tommy... Tommy, aren’t you upset about leaving Triacus?”

“That dump? No way, that’s for adults!”

“Well, what about your parents? Aren’t you upset about them? About leaving them?”

“My parents? They love it down there, always busy!” Tommy’s face fell slightly. “They’re... they’re happy. Can I go now? I’m tired too, y’know.”

Jim pursed his lips, then sighed, deciding it was time to back off.

“Yeah, alright. I’ll take you to your quarters, okay-?”

“I know the way.”

Before Jim could ask what he meant by that, Tommy left the room. Jim sighed, shaking his head.

Maybe he was just getting old and didn’t understand kids today anymore.

 

* * *

 

**2260.343**

Spock could say with absolute certainty that he had absolutely no idea as to what was going on.

First, Uhura had started panicking about dying, saying that she saw herself old and diseased and slowly withering away, all alone. Then, Sulu had neglected the captain’s orders, staring out into space with horror in his eyes and begging Jim not to touch the controls, because if they moved they’d be destroyed.

It was odd. But for some reason, Spock was uncertain as to why Jim wanted to contact Starfleet.

“That was an  _ order,  _ Spock,” Jim stated sternly. 

“This bridge is under complete control. There is no need to-!”

“Spock, look around! Does  _ this  _ look  _ normal  _ to you?!”

Spock blinked, then, realizing that his mate indeed had a point, turned to contact Starfleet.

Then he stopped again. He tried to move his hand, but it was as though his nervous system had become unresponsive. He slowly pulled his hand away from the console, staring at his hand before clenching it in a fist and turning to Jim again.

“I cannot obey your order, Captain.”

Jim looked stricken, and part of Spock wanted to back down, but... there was something stopping him. Thus, he watched as Jim walked over to a security officer, telling him to take Sulu to his quarters. The security officer stared at him as though he’d been speaking in gibberish.

Actually, it  _ was  _ as though Jim was speaking in gibberish- Spock heard his mate’s voice speaking in a garbled, strange language, one that made his head ache. He put a hand to his right meld point, closing his eyes and concentrating until Jim’s words made sense once more.

“Didn’t you hear me?” Jim grabbed the guard and started to shake him. “Didn’t you hear me?!”

His mate froze, turning back to the children before slowly letting go of the officer. He tried to walk over to them, but the boy made an odd, repetitive motion with his fist, causing Jim’s face to contort in pain as a look of panic came over him. He was looking around the room wildly, slightly hunched over, and Spock could feel the overwhelming sudden fear he was experiencing.

Without a word, Spock sprinted over to his mate, who flinched when he saw him.

“Captain, we must get off this bridge.”

Jim’s eyes were wide, and he swallowed, grabbing his own wrist as he turned his gaze to his feet.

“I... y-yeah, we, we should... I’m losing command. I-I’m losing my ability to command.” Jim started to sway. “I’m, I’m losing the Enterprise, I’m losing  _ you,  _ oh, god, I’m losing  _ Alice-!” _

Spock quietly picked his mate up, carrying him over to the turbolift as he started hyperventilating.

“I-I’m, I can’t...” Jim whimpered, burrowing into Spock’s shoulder. “I can’t  _ breathe,  _ I’m scared, I-I don’t... don’t leave me, please don’t leave me, I-I know I’m a mess and a broke- broken piece of shit, but I, I need you, I can’t  _ lose  _ you, please, I don’t want to be alone again-!”

“Captain,” Spock interrupted gently as the lift began to move.

Jim suddenly broke away, a small sob erupting from his lips.

“M-My ship... my ship’s going, it’s gone, it’s left without me and- and so have you, you’re gonna leave me behind like everyone else, a-and I can’t, I can’t blame you, I’m nothing but an awful, awful liar, I destroy everything I touch, the only good thing I’ve ever made is Alice and she’s gonna leave me too someday-!”

“Cap-!”

His mate all but launched himself at him, one hand clutching Spock’s right shoulder and the other touching his cheek.

_ Don’t leave me please don’t leave me I know I’m awful I’m a liar who’s gonna burn someday and the lighter’s gonna be in my own hand but please I need you love me love me love me-! _

_ “Jim,”  _ Spock breathed, wrapping his arms around Jim’s torso. “Jim,  _ ashayam, breathe.  _ It is not real. Breathe.”

Jim gasped, then took a tiny, shuddering breath, shaking in Spock’s arms. The panic slowly started to abate, his heartbeat and breathing evening out.

“I... I’ve got command,” Jim murmured into Spock’s shirt.

“Yes, Captain.”

“I-I’ve got command. I’m  _ in  _ command.”

“That is correct.”

Jim looked up at him, those blue eyes big and shiny.

“And... I’ve got you?”

Spock allowed himself to smile a bit, leaning over and kissing his mate’s forehead.

“Yes, dear one. You will have me for as long as you want me. I am not going anywhere.”

He heard Jim laugh a little, and he pressed another kiss into his hair.

“S... Sorry about that.”

“You were frightened. I find that to be unacceptable, but I do not hold it against you.”

Jim looked up at him again, confused.

“Fear is unacceptable?”

“No, but I dislike you being afraid. You are my mate, and it is my duty to protect you and your happiness.”

Jim blinked, then laughed, leaning his head on Spock’s shoulder.

“I love you.”

“I love you in return,” Spock replied as the doors to the lift opened. “Now, where to, Captain?”

Jim grinned at him as they exited the lift.

“To auxiliary controls, my dear Vulcan. This ship is off course.”

 

* * *

 

“Jim? I received your message, what is the mat-?”

Spock blinked, then arched an eyebrow when he saw his mate covered in sleeping children.

None of whom were their own child, incidentally.

“I think I have to adopt them all now,” Jim whispered, grinning a bit.

“I do not believe the older Alice mentioned having more than one sibling,  _ ashayam,”  _ Spock told him as he stepped inside the guest quarters. “In addition, I do not believe I am prepared to be father to more than one child at this point.”

“Well, you’d better get used to the idea soon, cause we’re supposed to have David in about three years.”

Spock felt a strange twisting in his gut, though he was careful not to let it show on his face.

However, Jim apparently still felt his apprehension, as he quirked an eyebrow.

“You’re still on board with that, right? Cause I think grown-up Alice might come back in time and yell at us if we don’t have him.”

“I... It is not that I do not wish to... to have another child with you, Jim, it is...” Spock sighed, unable to properly express his thoughts.

_ Spock, what’s wrong? _

_ I am unsure of how to feel about David. Though we only saw photographs of him, he is very clearly my biological son, and I had always thought that to be an impossibility. I do very much want him to be my son, to exist, but I accepted that I would never be able to become a biological parent so long ago that I... I fear that the opportunity will arise only to be taken away once more. _

Jim’s expression softened, and Spock felt a wave of reassurance through their bond.

_ Spock, it’s not going to be taken away from you. I won’t let it. In three years, we’re gonna have a wonderful, beautiful little boy with your eyes and ears, and he’s going to grow up to be handsome and smart and taller than his older sister. That’s our future. _

Despite himself, Spock smiled at his mate.

_ Thank you, Jim. _

_ Of course. Although, can you do me a favor? These kids are kinda keeping me from moving and I  _ really  _ have to pee. _

Spock rolled his eyes, walking over to Jim and gently pulling Mary off his chest without waking her. Jim was clearly muffling a sigh of relief as he sat up, kissing Spock on the cheek.

_ You’re a lifesaver, babe. Back in a minute! _

Jim all but bolted into the guest bathroom, locking the door behind him. Spock bit back a chuckle, laying Mary back down. He blinked when he heard Jim’s comm go off, and again when he saw that he had a message from the ambassador, which was displayed in full on the screen.

_ Jim- _

_ It is good to hear from you, old friend. To answer your question, yes, Vulcan ejaculate is safe for Human consumption, although I would have to warn against consuming it more than once in one session, and not at all during pon farr, as Vulcans ejaculate more during that time. It is for your own safety- my Jim once compared the taste and consistency to pineapple juice, which is apt as it can cause nausea and vomiting in Humans when ingested in large quantities. I shall spare you the details, but we discovered this the hard way. _

_ Also, congratulations. It took my Jim and myself much longer to get to this point in our relationship. I am certain you shall share in as much happiness with my younger self as I did with my own Jim.  _

_ Live long and prosper, _

_ Ambassador Selek _

Jim sighed as he exited the bathroom.

“Thanks for that, Spock- why are you looking at my comm?”

Spock was far too embarrassed to speak or look at Jim, instead handing him the device without a word.

“What’s this-? Oh, hey, the Ambassador replied... huh. Well, okay, guess we know the answer to that now... Spock? What’s wrong? You’re not mad that I asked him, are you?”

_ I am not. _

“Why are you...? Oh, wait.” He could almost feel Jim’s grin. “Are you flustered cause you thought about me with my fingers in your-!”

_ Jim. There are children present. _

Jim laughed, walking over to Spock and kissing his cheek before leading him out of the guest quarters.

_ It’s okay, we don’t have to do it til you’re ready. _

_ You are... you are certain that you are alright not having penetrative intercourse yet? _

_ Yes, sweetheart. I like the way we have sex now, it’s nice. Besides, I’d rather have  _ your  _ fingers in  _ me  _ before we do the reverse-! _

_ JAMES. _

_ Okay, okay!  _

Jim was quiet for a second.

_ Seriously, though, I do want that. _

_ Jim if you do not cease this line of dialogue I will not touch you for a week. _

His mate snorted.

_ Yeah, right, like you could hold out that long. _

Spock’s ears began to burn.

_ No comment. _

 

* * *

 

**2260.359**

This was officially the worst Christmas Jim had ever had, and he’d had some  _ shitty  _ Christmases.

Now, he remembered what Alice’s future was. He knew that Lukara was a wonderful, loving wife to his daughter and he shouldn’t judge every single Klingon to be as awful as the ones he’d met before.

But in his defense? Kang was a giant  _ dick.  _

He was tempted to take Chekov’s advice and leave the bastards in nonexistence, but then Spock reminded him that it would be a better idea to take them prisoner.

Which is what he was planning to do, but once the first group of survivors arrived, that plan kinda died a quick death.

Mostly because of one person.

“ _ vavoy!”  _ A Klingon girl who looked to be about eight- meaning she was probably around four in Terran years- cried, running to Kang and latching onto his side. “You still live!”

To Jim’s shock, Kang  _ smiled,  _ kneeling down and picking the girl up.

“I would not leave you so easily, my child,” He told her as a Klingon woman came to stand by him. He gestured to her. “Captain, my wife and science officer, Mara.”

Okay. So he had something in common with the asshole. Dammit.

“And this is our child, Lukara.”

Jim blinked, his eyes going wide. He could feel Spock’s shock as well.

_ Lukara... Spock, you don’t think...? _

_ Considering that Commander Lukara is three Terran years younger than our daughter, although they are physically the same age, it is possible. However, Lukara  _ is  _ a common name amongst Klingons, due to it being the name of a prominent figure in their history. _

Right. It could be just a coincidence.

Damned if the kid didn’t look like a younger version of his future daughter-in-law, though.

“Kang, what has happened?”

“More Federation treachery. We are prisoners.”

Mara looked terrified at the prospect.

“What will they do to us? I’ve heard of their atrocities, their death camps! They will torture us for our scientific and military information!”

Lukara looked a bit frightened, but glared at them.

“You will never take us alive, you dogs!”

“Wh- No! No, we’re not going to  _ torture  _ you!”

“Lies! If  _ SoSoy  _ says it to be true, then it must be true! She is smarter than everyone else!”

Kang laughed heartily at that.

“Ah, you have learned well, my daughter.”

Jim bit back a groan. He really hoped this kid wasn’t his future daughter-in-law, because this was a  _ terrible  _ first impression.

“No, okay, we’re not gonna hurt you, I promise-!”

The door to the transporter room opened. 

“Daddy, you’re gonna miss the Charlie Brown thingy-!” 

Jim flinched, slowly turning to his daughter with a nervous grin. Alice blinked, then tilted her head slightly.

“Daddy, why are Klingons here? Did you invite them for the holidays?”

“N-No, buttercup, uh... it’s a long story.”

“This child addresses you as her father,” Mara commented. “Is this the case?”

“Yes, it is. Like you, my child has joined me on our voyage.” Jim crossed his arms. “Which is why you can believe me when I say that I have no intention of harming any of you. We’ll detain you in the crew lounge and program the replicators with-!”

“Hi!” 

Jim blinked, then felt his heart stop when he realized that his daughter had walked right up to Kang.

“Alice-!”

“You look like you’re my age. What’s your name?”

“... Lukara.”

Alice grinned.

“Hi, Lukara! I’m Alice. It’s nice to meet you!”

To Jim’s surprise, Lukara’s cheeks bloomed red, her lips quirking into a small smile.

“It... it is nice you to meet you as well, Alice.”

_ I stand corrected, Jim. It seems this may be Alice’s t’hy’la after all. _

_ Oh, come on! I’ve made peace with the fact that my daughter’s fated to marry a Klingon, but does this guy really have to be her father-in-law?! I don’t want to have to fight him when we talk about who’s paying for the wedding! _

_ Kaiidth, ashayam. _

Jim gave his boyfriend a look before turning back to the Klingons.

“Yes, well, anyway. Program the replicators with Klingon cuisine, and make sure no harm comes to them.”

The security officers affirmed his orders, and Alice waved at Lukara as her father carried her out of the transporter bay.

“Did you have to put Lukara and her parents in holding, Daddy?” 

“Alice, Lukara’s father might be a  _ war criminal.” _

“But Lukara didn’t do anything wrong! Besides, I like her!”

“How can you like her, you’ve known her for all of two minutes!”

Alice shrugged. 

“I’unno, I just do.” She sighed dreamily. “She seems really nice...”

Dammit. Well, Kang was paying for the wedding, he refused to back down on that one.

 

* * *

 

Alice blinked as the door to her room opened, tilting her head when she saw Lukara leaning up against it after it closed.

“Um... hi?”

“I... I am sorry to intrude on your privacy, Alice. It is... things are somewhat hectic on this ship.”

Alice giggled, getting off of her bed and walking over to her.

“Yeah, that kinda happens a lot around here. Don’t worry, you can stay here til things calm down, okay?”

Lukara blinked, looking at Alice with confusion in her eyes.

“I... you are not going to tell your father where I am?”

“Nah, I don’t think he’d really care too much. You’re just a little kid, after all.” Alice tilted her head a bit. “Unless you know how to hack things.”

“I do not.”

“Well, there ya go!” She grinned. “Wanna watch a holo with me? It’s not really holiday-themed, or historically accurate, but it’s a musical and it’s fun! And the lady who plays the acrobat is really cool!”

“... Alright,” Lukara agreed, seeming somewhat wary as she sat down on Alice’s bed. Alice giggled, skipping over to the holoscreen and starting up the vid.

“... Why are they singing?”

“It’s a musical. You gotta sing when you're in a musical.”

“Oh.” Lukara was quiet for a moment as the scene progressed. “What is that large creature?”

“An elephant. They were used a lot in circuses.”

“A... sir-cuss?”

“It’s like... well, back on Earth, it used to be this travelling show where people and animals did tricks and stuff. They don’t have them anymore, though, cause they were kinda bad to people and animals.”

“Oh. Klingons do not have such things.”

“Oh. Ooh, this is one of my favorite parts, shush!”

They watched quietly as the childhood scene played out. Alice sighed happily as the song started, glancing at Lukara, who looked confused.

“I do not understand. Why does her father not want them to marry?”

“Cause Phineas is poor and from the lower class. People were dumb about that kinda thing back then.”

“But he hired his father. They had no quarrel.”

Alice shrugged.

“People were dumb about stuff like that. I don’t really think that’s what happened, though.”

“Oh. Still, they seem happy.”

“Yeah, I think they were. Do Klingons have stories like that?”

“Generally, no. However, the works of Shakespeare are quite popular amongst our people.”

“Really?”

“Yes.” Lukara smiled a little. “I like Romeo and Juliet.”

“You do?”

“Yes.” She cleared her throat. “O Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo? Deny thy father and refuse thy name; or if thou wilt not, be but sworn my love, and I’ll no longer be a Capulet.”

Alice’s heartbeat had started going faster. She wasn’t really sure why.

“You’re... you’re really good at that.”

Lukara blushed, smiling a little.

“Thank you... I-!”

The door to Alice’s room opened, and Lukara squawked, all but rolling off the bed and diving under it.

“Hi, Daddy!” Alice greeted. “We’re watching a movie!”

“Alice! Do not tell him I am here!”

“Why not? Daddy’s not gonna hurt you. Right, Daddy?”

“Well, no, but... Lukara, you really should be with your parents.”

“I will not go back out there!” Lukara protested. “People are fighting, and I am small!”

“Yeah, but-!”

“Daddy,” Alice interrupted. “Daddy, it’s okay. I’ll keep an eye on her, I promise.”

Alice’s daddy looked unsure.

“Buttercup-!”

“Daddy, we’re little girls. How much harm could we do?”

Her daddy quirked an eyebrow.

“You really want me to answer that?”

Alice gave her daddy a look, and he sighed.

“Alright, fine, but don’t leave this room, okay?”

“Okay! Bye, Daddy!”

“Bye, kiddo.”

He left, and Alice got off the bed, pulling up the covers.

“It’s okay, he’s gone now.”

“Why... why did you agree to let me stay here?”

Alice shrugged.

“Cause I like you.”

Lukara blinked, then smiled just a little.

“I... I like you as well.”

Alice’s tummy started doing somersaults.

It was kinda nice, though.

 

* * *

 

Alright. Jim had spoken too soon.

This was still the worst Christmas ever.

It was just an even  _ worse  _ Christmas than he’d thought. Everything kept turning into swords, the Klingons kept taking over different parts of the ship, Chekov had turned into a rage monster who wanted to avenge a non-existent brother, and there was apparently an alien being who ran on hatred running around the ship and infecting everyone, save for Alice and Lukara, who in the midst of all this chaos had become the best of friends.

Okay, so that last one was actually super cute. He was now totally on board with the idea of having a Klingon over for Thanksgiving, so long as she left her father at home, because quite frankly Kang was  _ still  _ a bag of dicks who was apparently okay with accepting his wife and child’s deaths if it meant winning.

Her mother, however, was actually a pretty reasonable woman.

“I will take you to Kang. I will add my voice to yours.”

“I wouldn’t trust her, Captain!” Scotty interjected.

Lukara growled, only stopping when Alice put a hand on her arm.

“Lukara’s mommy is very nice, Uncle Scotty,” Alice scolded. “Don’t be mean.”

“But lassie, she’s a-!”

Alice gave Scotty a look, and Scotty sighed.

“Yes, ma’am.”

“Look, it’s not like we have too many options here. We’re not even gonna get through their defenses in time unless... wait... Spock! Intraship beaming! From one section to another, it’s possible, right?”

“Yes, Captain. It is often employed upon the USS Discovery.”

“But Captain! She could still be leading ya-!”

Lukara growled again, and Alice crossed her arms.

“Uncle Scotty, don’t make me make Daddy put you in time-out.”

“Wh- Captain, you wouldn’t seriously...?”

Jim shrugged.

“She’s very persuasive, Mr. Scott, I’d have to at least hear her out.”

Scotty looked thoroughly disgruntled at that.

“Besides...” Jim turned, smiling at Mara. “I believe her.”

Mara smiled back, seeming a little surprised.

“Very well, then. Come along.”

“I’ll go too!” Lukara shouted.

“If she’s going, I’m going!” Alice added.

“No,” both Jim and Mara responded.

“But-!”

_ “No.” _

Both little girls pouted, and Jim and Mara both sighed, shaking their heads.

“Kids, right?”

“Indeed.”

Jim laughed as they headed for the turbolift, then paused when he felt a wave of jealousy through his bond with Spock.

_ Spock. She’s Alice’s future mother-in-law, remember?  _

_ Apologies, ashayam. I am... this has been a stressful day. _

_ Yeah, don’t I know it. How about some, uh,  _ chess  _ later if we all make it out of this? _

_ Chess would be amenable, although given your normal behavior when our lives are in danger, I would have assumed that you would suggest-! _

_ Babe. Chess means sex in this case. _

_... Ah. I see. _

Jim resisted the urge to laugh as he and Mara went into the transporter room. He needed to be on his game for this- they only had one shot at peace.

No big deal.

Man. He really wished he’d started a farm or something. Cows had to be easier than this.

 

* * *

 

“Huh,” Alice commented as she and Lukara snuck out of the Jefferies tube. “I kinda thought they’d be trying to punch each other more.”

“I agree,” Lukara said as she peered over the balcony. “It is the Klingon way to fight until everyone has died.”

“The Klingon way sounds messy. Oh, look, there’s my daddy!”

Alice’s daddy was glaring up at a red orb thing.

“Get off my ship! You’re a sitting duck here!”

“What is a duck?” Lukara whispered.

“It’s a bird that goes quack and swims in ponds. Sometimes it swims in money, though.”

“Strange.”

“You’re powerless. We know about you, and we don’t want to play.” Her daddy glanced over his shoulder, smiling at Alice’s papa. “Maybe... maybe there are others like you around. Maybe you’ve caused a lot of suffering, a lot of history, but that’s all over. We’ll be on guard now, we’ll be ready for you, so ship out! Come on, haul it!”

“Yeah, out already!” Uncle Bones agreed.

Alice’s daddy and Uncle Bones suddenly started laughing.

“What is funny?” Lukara asked.

“I dunno. Maybe it’s a grown up joke. I don’t think Papa gets it, though.”

“Out!” Lukara’s daddy called. “We need no urging to hate Humans!”

Lukara growled.

“Don’t worry, I’m only half Human, and I bet you can change his mind,” Alice told Lukara. It seemed to calm her down.

“But, for the present, only a fool fights in a burning house. Out!”

Lukara’s daddy and all the others- except for Alice’s papa, who looked confused- started laughing. Alice winced when Lukara’s daddy slapped her daddy on the back, but her daddy didn’t seem too hurt, so it was probably okay. The red light started to fade, and a sparkly thing left the room, but everyone was still laughing.

“I still do not understand what is so funny.”

“Me neither,” Alice agreed, “but grown-ups are kinda dumb, so maybe that’s it.”

Lukara smiled at her, and Alice’s tummy felt a little like it was full of butterflies. Without saying anything, she reached out to touch the other girl’s hand, although she wasn’t really sure why. When they touched, though, it was like a bolt of electricity went through them both, and Alice jerked her hand away.

“I-I’m sorry!” She squeaked. “I-I don’t know what that was, honest, I just-!”

Lukara started laughing, and Alice’s cheeks felt hot, though she started laughing too.

Lukara was really, really nice. She hoped they’d be friends for a long, long time.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm a sucker for childhood friend romance, okay?
> 
> Also, it's not canon (probably) but the idea of Vulcans with ears that move according to their emotions was too fucking cute to me.
> 
> Also also, the little girl who played Mary in the original series looks almost exactly how I imagine Alice to look as a kid, except with more Vulcan features and darker hair.
> 
> Recurring Cast:  
> Geoffrey M'Benga- Christopher Jackson
> 
> Guest Starring:  
> Kang- Chadwick Boseman  
> Mara- Paula Patton 
> 
> Vulcan to English:  
> Tahluk nash-veh k'dular- I cherish thee  
> Kroykah- stop  
> Sanu- please
> 
> Klingon to English:  
> vavoy- Daddy  
> SoSoy- Mommy   
> (note- vav and SoS are "Father" and "Mother" respectively, the suffix "-oy" is a term of endearment and denotes affection when used in conjunction with another name. At least, I think so- I'm a sociologist, not a linguist)
> 
> That's it for part one of Season 3! The next chapter will be the aftermath of "The Tholian Web," a plot following the aftermath of "Plato's Stepchildren" which will mainly involve Jim and Spock's first real fight as a couple, and an original Valentine's Day plot that will involve a buncha schmoop, shore leave on a starbase, Spock's family, and Jim's mom.
> 
> See ya tomorrow!


	9. Chapter 9

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! Referenced childhood emotional and physical abuse in this chapter! Please be careful!

**2261.11**

Spock did not recall running to sickbay after McCoy called him. He did not remember entering it, either.

In fact, between McCoy telling him that they had found Jim and brought him home and seeing Jim lying in the biobed, his memories were a blur of movement and thinking  _ Jim  _ over and over again.

“Hey, babe,” Jim greeted cheerfully, as if he had not been missing for two days, thirteen hours, forty-eight minutes, and ten point six seconds. “I guess I missed our chess date, huh?”

Spock could not think of anything he cared about less than chess at the moment. He all but lunged at his mate, pulling him into his arms and holding him tightly.

“Whoa!” Jim laughed, hugging Spock back. “Geez, I guess you missed me too, huh?”

_ “Jim,”  _ he breathed, “Jim, you are... I was... I thought I would never see you again, I... I could not feel you...”

“Yeah, that’s, that’s kinda what happens when you pop into another universe, I guess. A lot less fun than the movies make it look, by the way, it was empty and  _ boring.”  _ Jim was smiling as he pulled back. “It was really weird not having you in my head, you know. I kept thinking stuff at you, and then remembering that you couldn’t mmmph.”

Spock loved his mate’s voice, he did. 

However, at this moment, he did not want him to speak. He wanted Jim’s lips on his. He wanted to be as close to his lover as physically possible, he wanted to make Jim moan and fall apart underneath him-!

“Uh, um, Sp... Spock?”

Spock blinked. Jim was quite flushed beneath him, looking rather uncomfortably aroused. 

“Ah. My apologies,  _ ashayam.  _ I was... a bit lost in thought, and it seems I climbed on top of you.”

“Y-Yeah, uh, kinda got that... not that I don’t, y’know, want to grind against you like a cat in heat or whatever, but I really don’t think the med-bay’s the best place for this. Especially since Alice will probably be here in like, five minutes to yell at me.”

Spock flushed, clearing his throat as he got out of the biobed.

“A... a fair point. Still, I... perhaps you could meet me in my quarters tonight...?”

Jim arched an eyebrow, grinning a bit.

“Why, Mr. Spock, are you propositioning me?”

Spock blinked.

“Yes. I had thought that was clear.”

Jim laughed, shaking his head before leaning over and kissing Spock gently.

“I’ll meet you after I get Alice to bed, okay?”

Spock smiled, a nervous thrill going through him when he thought about what he’d decided to do when he realized that Jim was still alive. 

What he was  _ ready  _ to do now.

All he could do was hope that it would... go well.

 

* * *

 

The second the door between the bathroom and Spock’s quarters closed, Jim was being kissed within an inch of his life.

“Mm, well, hi there,” Jim managed between kisses. Spock responded by all but picking him up and attacking his neck with kisses, making Jim moan. “Oh... okay, wow, you are  _ into  _ this tonight, aren’t you?”

_ I nearly lost you again. _

Jim blinked, pushing on Spock’s shoulders until his boyfriend let him look him in the eyes.

“Hey, hey. Spock, come on, it’s okay.”

“It is not. I should have... I should have insisted on staying with you on the Defiant, or- or insisted that you leave and I stay, or-!”

“Spock. Sweetheart, it was  _ my choice  _ to stay on that ship, alright? It’s not your fault.” He leaned over, pressing a kiss to Spock’s forehead. “And I’m here now, and I’m fine. We’re both fine. We’re both  _ alive.  _ So don’t worry, alright?”

Spock looked at him, a whirlwind of emotions glittering in his eyes for a moment before they were all replaced by deep, dark  _ lust.  _ Jim yelped as Spock kissed his neck again, then laughed as his boyfriend carried him over to his bed.

“Jim... Jim, there is... there is something I wish to, to ask of you...”

Jim blinked, watching as his boyfriend moved up to look him in the eye. His face was flushed, and he looked almost as nervous as he had the first time they’d had sex.

“Uh... what is it?”

“I... when, when it was discovered that you still lived, I... I realized that I am ready to... to take our relationship a bit further.”

Jim blinked again, his eyes going wide.

Wait... wait, Spock wasn’t going to...?

“Um, honey? I, uh, I’m not sure if... look, I really don’t think that this is the time to have this conversation...”

Spock blinked, quirking an eyebrow.

“I believe that this  _ is _ the optimal time to discuss this.”

Okay, Jim knew that this was Spock’s first relationship and all, but  _ proposing marriage during sex was-! _

“You believe I am about to propose marriage?” Spock asked, sounded flabbergasted.

Jim blinked.

“A... Aren’t you?”

“No, I... I was...” Spock blushed. “I would like to... to have penetrative sex with you.”

Jim blinked, then blushed himself, a small grin gracing his lips.

“W-Wait, really? Are, are you sure?”

“I... yes.” Spock pressed his forehead against Jim’s. “I was... I was planning on suggesting it after our chess match, although I... to be perfectly honest, I was uncertain if I would have the courage to go through with it.”

“But now...?”

“I once again nearly lost you this week. I do not wish to delay further intimacy, and I... I need to...” Spock was shaking slightly. “I need to be with you, Jim, I...”

“Spock...” Jim leaned up, kissing him gently. “Okay. Okay, you’ve got me. Do, do you want me to... y’know...”

His boyfriend blushed again.

“I... I would like to penetrate you.”

Jim blinked, then bit back a snort.

“Jim, I am serious.”

“No, no, I know, I just... heh, well, you kinda reminded me of that weird space amoeba incident. You kept saying the word ‘penetrate’ over and over, and it kinda got me really... flustered...”

Spock was blushing again, no longer Jim in the eyes. Jim quirked an eyebrow.

“Babe?”

“A... About that... I may have been... using that word purposely...”

“Huh? Why?”

“While... while we were on the Discovery, I... I admitted to my sister that you are my  _ t’hy’la.  _ At that point, I was still unaware of your affections for me, but she was rather insistent that I should at least attempt to discern whether you cared for me the same way I cared for you.” Spock blushed even more. “Specifically, she instructed me to... to flirt with you.”

Jim blinked.

“Wait, you mean you kept using that word because you were trying to  _ flirt  _ with me?”

“... yes.”

Jim couldn’t help but snicker.

“Oh, honey, that’s... that’s  _ really  _ cute, although I wouldn’t call that flirting so much as being  _ extremely  _ direct.”

“I assumed as much, since it did not seem to work.”

“Oh, it worked, alright. Didn’t you wonder why I took a long shower that night instead of in the morning?”

Spock blinked, then flushed again, his eyes darkening with lust as he kissed Jim deeply once more. The next few minutes were a flurry of movement, kisses, and clothes being all but ripped off, and Jim was down to his underwear before he remembered something pretty important.

“Wait, shit, you’ve got lube, right?”

Spock paused just as he was about to tug Jim’s boxer-briefs off, turning a delicate shade of green before sitting up and reaching for something in the nightstand, which turned out to be a small blue bottle.

“I... I wished to be more prepared than I was the first time we were intimate...”

Jim grinned, putting his hands on Spock’s shoulders and pulling him back into another kiss. Spock hummed against his lips, hooking his fingers into Jim’s underwear and tugging them off before removing his own. Their cocks brushed together, making them both gasp.

“Spock...”

_ “A-Ashayam,  _ I... I wish to...”

“Yeah.” Jim grinned up at Spock, spreading his legs before reaching down and pulling his cheeks apart. “Have at, sweetheart.”

Spock, it seemed, had a way of surprising him in bed. Instead of eagerly diving right in, as Jim had expected, his boyfriend’s eyes went wide, his ears drooping as he flushed a deep forest green.

“I... um...”

“What? Spock, you... you know how this works, right? You’re not gonna be able to just stick it in without-!”

“I am aware that preparation is required prior to anal intercourse, Jim. I simply... I do not think it would be wise for me to be the one to prepare you.”

Jim blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“Why not?”

Spock blushed again, turning his gaze to the bed.

“I... as, as you know, Vulcan hands and fingers are much more sensitive than, than those of Humans.”

“Yeah, so?”

He blushed even more.

“That would... if I were to be the one to prepare you, it would... it would be extremely similar to, to having my... my  _ lok  _ inside of you...”

Jim tilted his head slightly.

“Uh... I don’t think I’ve heard that one, Spock.”

Spock’s entire face was green now as he sat back on his haunches.

_ “L... Lok  _ is the Vulcan word for... for phallus...”

“Oh.” Jim blinked, then sat up slightly.  _ “Oh.  _ Oh, you mean that having your fingers inside me would... it would feel like you were fucking me?”

Spock somehow blushed even more; Jim saw his cock twitch.

“... yes.”

“Oh. Wait, isn’t that kinda the whole point here?”

The flushing spread to Spock’s shoulders.

“I... Jim, I realize that we have been having sexual relations for approximately two point one months, but I remind you, prior to our coupling I had never had sexual contact with anyone. I... I have never done this before, and I am slightly concerned that if I am the one to prepare you, the... the stimulation may prove to be overwhelming for me.”

Jim blinked.

“Wait, are... are you afraid that you’ll come too fast if you finger me first?”

Spock winced, clearing his throat.

“A... a slightly crude way of putting it, but yes.”

“Aw, Spock...” Jim smiled, then sat up and pulled his boyfriend in for a kiss. “Alright, I’ll get myself ready this time, but Spock? Eventually I’m gonna want those long, pretty fingers of yours in my ass.”

Spock flushed yet again, a smile playing at his slips.

“I... I would like to do that as well, although it... it will most likely be the main act of the night until I have gained more experience...”

“I can live with that,” Jim replied, giving Spock a quick kiss before scooting to the side. “Alright, lie back and get comfy.”

Spock seemed a bit confused, but did as Jim asked, watching as he grabbed the lube and spread it over his fingers before rubbing his hands together.

“First lesson about lube- shit’s cold right out of the bottle. You’ve got cold fingers compared to a Human’s, so you might need to spend a little more time warming it up before you do this. Otherwise, it’s gonna be uncomfortable.”

“I see... you are certain that... that having a part of my body inside of you will not be uncomfortable for you?” Spock was blushing again. “I... being aroused does make me feel warmer than usual overall, but there is still a difference in our body temperatures-!”

“Sweetheart, it’s fine. It’s just easier to adjust if it’s a little warmer.” Jim grinned as he leaned back, spreading his legs again. “Besides, I kinda like the difference in our body temperatures. It does something for me, weirdly enough. Hand me a pillow, would you?”

Spock’s brow furrowed as he obliged Jim’s request.

“It is illogical to enjoy something that causes you discomfort.”

“Hey, not much about Human sexuality is logical, babe, you should know that by now.” Before Spock could say anything else, Jim spread his cheeks again, pressing a lubed-up finger against his hole. His boyfriend’s eyes went wide, his pupils dilating to the point that the brown of his eyes nearly disappeared. “Alright, Spock, I’m gonna show you how to do this. All eyes on me, got it?”

Spock’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed, and Jim grinned when his boyfriend nodded. 

“Okay, first things first, don’t push too hard. Just kinda... press the tip of your finger up against the outside gently til...” Jim sighed as the tip of his pointer finger slid inside. “Til it slides in on its own.”

“I... I see...”

Spock kinda looked like he wanted to eat Jim alive at this point, and he couldn’t help but smirk at him.

_ Oh, honey, you’ve got no idea what’s coming next. _

_ Ashayam, what do you mean by-! _

Spock’s thoughts cut off abruptly when he saw the tip of Jim’s middle finger slip inside his hole. Jim was only able to appreciate the look on his face for a few precious seconds before the slight burn and pleasure made him throw his head back in a moan.

“J... Jim...”

“Ah... so, uh, I, I should warn you, I’m... I’ve taken more than a few a dicks in my day, so it doesn’t really hurt for me to go to two fingers straight away. If you do this to yourself, you’ll have to work your way up to it.” He let his fingers slide in up to the second knuckle, scissoring them a little. “Even then, if I hadn’t been playing around with some, uh,  _ toys  _ recently, this would still probably be hard for me.”

“T... Toys...?”

“Yeah- wait... Spock, don’t tell me you don’t know what a vibrator is.”

Spock flushed a deep green.

“I... I know what it is, I simply... y-you have been using...?”

Jim was going to make a joke, but then he felt a wave of distress from his boyfriend.

“Oh, oh no, sweetheart, it’s not... you are  _ more  _ than enough for me, it’s just...” Jim blushed, grinning sheepishly. “Well, uh... I’ve, I’ve kinda been thinking about this for a good while too, and... fingers didn’t always  _ quite  _ get the job done, y’know?”

Spock’s flush deepened, but Jim could feel quiet relief coming from him, followed by a spike in arousal when Jim added a third finger. 

Of course, that also might have been in response to his own arousal, since that was when Jim’s middle finger brushed his prostate. He couldn’t stop the moan that erupted from his throat at that moment. 

“Ah... mm... you... you said that Vulcans have prostates, right?”

“Y... Yes...”

“Nn... and it’s, it’s in the same place as a human’s right?”

“It is... a-although, it may be slightly larger, due to the fact that, that Vulcans only ejaculate during, during penetrative intercourse or through d-direct stimulation of the... the...”

“Mm...” Jim gasped as he rubbed the gland in question, grabbing himself around the base of his cock to steady himself and closing his eyes. “H-Have you ever...?”

“I have n... never had the opportunity...”

Jim laughed.

“W-Well, I can tell you that it feels, feels amazing-!”

Spock made a noise, and Jim made the mistake of cracking his eye open. His boyfriend’s face was bright green, his hand wrapped around the base of his cock as he panted and trembled with his eyes closed. 

He didn’t need a telepathic link to know exactly what it was Spock needed right now. Jim grinned as he withdrew his fingers from his hole, getting up on his knees and grabbing the bottle of lube again as he crawled over to Spock.

“Ohhh,  _ Spoooock,”  _ he crooned as he positioned himself above his boyfriend’s cock, cradling his chin with the hand that hadn’t just been in his butt and tilting it upward. Spock opened his eyes just as Jim leaned down and kissed him. “If you’re ready, there’s one more step before we get to the main event.”

“Th... There is?”

“Yup.” Jim held up the bottle of lube. “I need you to put some of this on your dick. It’ll make things a lot easier on both of us.”

Spock seemed slightly unsure, but took the bottle and poured some of the slippery stuff into his hand.

“Ah, I... I see what you meant about it being cold...” He murmured as he rubbed it between his hands. After a moment, he swallowed, and Jim kept his eyes on Spock’s face as his hand moved between Jim’s legs. His mouth opened slightly, the tips of his ears turning green when Jim heard a wet noise below him. Jim leaned in and kissed his cheek, murmuring encouragement in his ear. After a moment, Spock sighed, looking up at Jim through half-lidded eyes.

“Ready?”

“I... I believe so, yes...” Spock confirmed, pulling his hand away and putting it back on the bed. “Sh... Should I...?”

“Hey, this is  _ your _ first time doing this, babe. You just lie back and let me do the work.”

Spock’s brow furrowed.

“Jim, I do not want you to sacrifice your pleasure for mine-!”

“Who said anything about sacrifice? You  _ know  _ that I’ve literally dreamt about riding this trouser snake of yours into the sunset.”

The brow-furrowing intensified.

“... I do not have a snake in my pants,  _ ashayam.  _ That seems dangerous.”

Jim laughed, kissing Spock’s nose before grasping the base of Spock’s dick and pressing the tip against his hole.

_ “This _ snake, honey. It’s... you know what, don’t think about it too hard right now. Just relax and let me make you feel good...”

Spock looked like he wanted to inquire further, and while Jim was normally more than happy to explain figurative language to him, he’d been dreaming of this for  _ years _ and wasn’t too keen on the idea of waiting any longer.

So he decided to distract Spock in the best way possible- by letting the tip of his cock slide inside him. It worked like a charm- Spock let out a gasp, the sheets straining as he gripped them tightly. Jim grinned at him, then sighed and let his head fall back as he slid down inch by inch, his cock twitching with delight.

“Mm... god, you’re so  _ big.” _

_ I am of an average size for Vulcans, t’hy’la. _

Jim blinked, cocking his head as he looked at his boyfriend, who had his gaze trained directly in front of him. This happened to give him a pretty good view of Jim’s chest, but somehow Jim was pretty sure that wasn’t what Spock was focusing on right now.

“Something wrong? You don’t normally use the bond to talk to me during sex until you get close.” He frowned. “You’re not close already, are you?”

_ While it is likely that I will orgasm sooner than I normally would due to the presence of new stimuli, it is not imminent. However, I am concerned that if I open my mouth, I may make some... embarrassing noises. _

Jim blinked again, then snorted, leaning over and kissing his boyfriend gently.

“C’mon, babe, I told you, I  _ love  _ how loud you are in bed.”

_ It is still unseemly to-! _

“Spock. It’s just you and me right now, okay? I won’t tell a soul what happens between us in here, not even Bones.”

_ As I recall, Dr. McCoy instructed you never to speak to him of our sex life unless it was out of medical necessity. Even then, he asked that you speak to Dr. M’Benga first. _

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“Still, I won’t say a word to anyone, so go ahead and be as loud as you need. Scotty’s already soundproofed the place, after all.” Jim braced himself on Spock’s shoulders, picking himself up with his thighs. “You ready?”

_ Yes. _

“Uh-uh, I want verbal consent for this, Spock.”

_ Jim-! _

“I’ve been waiting for this for two years, pal. Don’t try to test my patience.”

Spock swallowed, then sighed.

“... I am ready. P... Please begin moving...”

Jim grinned, then took a breath before slowly sliding back down, then up again, then down again, again and again until it was a pattern. Spock was moaning quietly underneath him, and Jim had had to pull his hands away from his mouth more than once in order to keep him from muffling the noise, threatening to tie his hands to the bed if he didn’t cut it out.

And if Spock’s dick had twitched inside him at the suggestion, well.

Jim could just file that away for later. Right now, he had bigger things on his mind.

Such as the fact that he had been  _ totally right  _ about how those double ridges were gonna feel inside of him. The way the head of Spock’s cock slid against his sweet spot was fucking  _ delightful-  _ it was a sensation he’d never felt with anyone else, and no toy could possibly compare. Though, if Vulcans weren’t such prudes, they could probably make a mint off of Vulcan-inspired dildos-!

“V... Vulcan penises are different from mine, Jim...”

Jim blinked, looking at his boyfriend for a split-second before quickly looking away- the look on Spock’s face right now was enough to make anyone come in their pants.

“Neither of us are-!” Spock moaned and shivered. “N-Neither of us are currently wearing pants,  _ t’hy’la.” _

Jim snickered, shaking his head as he put his hands on Spock’s chest to steady himself.

“It’s, it’s an expression, sorta... mm... I-I remember now, you told me Vulcan dicks are different from yours... what are they like?”

Spock flushed, glancing to the side.

“I... y-yours is the only penis other than mine that I have seen...”

“In action, sure, but Vulcans have biology classes, right? Or health class?”

Spock flushed even more, then sighed.

“They... outside of sexual intercourse, V-Vulcan penises are sheathed within the body.”

“Really? How do they pee?”

Spock made a face.

“Jim, we are currently having sex, and unless there is something you are interested in t-telling me-!”

“Nah, tried it, not a fan.” Jim paused in his movements, clenching around Spock’s length and moaning when the head of it brushed his prostate. “Mm... gonna want to know the answer later, though.”

“Jim-!”

Jim laughed, quickly picking himself up on his thighs and slamming back down, which rather effectively shut Spock up.

“Anyway, how else are they different?”

“A-Ah, they... wh-while my penis only has two ridges, the, the standard Vulcan penis has ridges from the tip to the base.”

Jim’s eyes widened.

“Jesus, what? What the hell’s that for?”

“It, it is believed that we evolved that way in, in order to... to better stimulate the vaginal wall and therefore provide more incentive for reproduction. A-As you know, they are not particularly hard, s-so there is very little discomfort...”

“Geez... I think, ooh, I think I like yours like this, though.”

Spock blinked, looking surprised.

“Y... You do?”

“Mm, yeah, it’s... I like how it’s bumpy on entry, but the rest is nice and smooth... and you’re so long, too, it’s... it’s perfect-!”

Spock suddenly-  _ finally-  _ growled, grabbing Jim’s hips and stopping him from moving as he sat up. Jim was about to ask what he was doing, but then Spock kissed him, his tongue swiping at his mouth as Spock thrust up into him. Jim’s eyes widened, and he whimpered against his lips, wrapping his legs around Spock’s waist.

“I-!” Spock gasped as he thrust into him again, leaning his head against Jim’s chest. “I-I apologize,  _ ashayam,  _ but I... I cannot hold myself back any l-longer...”

Jim laughed breathlessly.

“I, uhn, I-I think, I think I’ll live-! Oh, there, right there, that’s perfect,  _ ah...” _

In less than a minute, Jim ended up clinging to Spock for dear life, wrapped around him like an octopus as he hung on for dear life while his boyfriend bucked up into him. He could feel something wet spreading around inside of him, and he gasped.

“A-Are you-?”

“I-I believe I am releasing pre... pre-ejaculate fluid... I, I feel slightly different than, than I normally do when I am about to...”

Despite the way arousal was making his head fuzzy, Jim couldn’t help but grin.

“Does it feel like- like something’s a-about to come out?”

“I... yes...”

“Th-That means you’re gonna come soon...” Jim snaked a hand between his legs, grabbing his leaking cock and stroking it quickly. “D-Don’t worry, I’m in the same boat-!”

Spock suddenly growled, batting Jim’s hand away and replacing it with his own. 

“You will not touch yourself. You are  _ mine, _ your sexual gratification is  _ my  _ responsibility.”

Um.

Well.

Holy shit.

Jim’s face had started burning, and he was suddenly completely powerless to stop himself from whimpering and moaning.

“S-Spock...”

“Mine,” Spock repeated before kissing his neck and thrusting into Jim  _ hard _ . “My mate, my  _ t’hy’la,  _ mine and only mine, no one else’s...”

Jim gasped, shaking in Spock’s arms as he crept closer and closer to orgasm. He’d always been fiercely independent, hating the idea of being tied to anyone like this, but the idea of belonging to  _ Spock  _ was...

Well, it might have been a big factor in Jim realizing just how badly he needed to come. 

“Fuck, Spock,  _ yes,  _ I-I’m yours, all yours, I, I love you, god,  _ please,  _ I need to come, let me come,  _ please-!” _

“Jim,” Spock whispered, his hips stuttering as he moved deep within Jim. “Jim, I...  _ I... _ I love you...”

That did it- Jim cried out, moaning Spock’s name as climax hit him like a bus. Pleasure rushed through him, bursting under his skin like a line of firecrackers, and he shook and whimpered in Spock’s arms. His boyfriend kept thrusting upward, letting out a guttural moan as something hot and wet spilled inside of Jim. Jim let out a pathetic little cry, burrowing into Spock’s shoulder as he let him ride out his orgasm inside.

For all Jim knew, they could have stayed like that for hours as they came down from their dizzying highs. Spock’s normally cool skin was now feverishly warm, and Jim heard himself sigh as Spock’s now-soft cock slid out of his body. 

“Fuck, Spock... that was...”

Spock said nothing, instead silently laying Jim down on the bed before turning and grabbing a towel- Jim hadn’t even noticed that it was there before, but Spock must have really wanted to be prepared.

“Spread your legs, please.”

Jim blinked, his orgasm-addled mind taking a little longer to comprehend Spock’s words.

“Why?”

“It is unsanitary to... to allow semen to remain in your anus.”

Jim snorted tired.

“Real romantic, babe. Come on, it can wait for a few minutes-!”

“I do not wish for you to be uncomfortable.”

Jim blinked, frowning when he realized that Spock’s post-Surakian repression was back in full force. 

“Well, sorry, but I don’t think I can really move much right now-!”

“Very well.” Spock gently took hold of Jim’s right thigh, hiking it up into the air and pulling his legs apart before taking the towel and carefully dabbing at Jim’s hole. He mopped up most of the spunk that had slid out of Jim’s body, not meeting Jim’s eyes.

Jim bit his lip, then quietly reached out to Spock through their bond.

_ Wrong wrong how could I what was I thinking lost control bad bad bad _

He quickly pulled back, his heart sinking when he realized just how  _ awful  _ Spock was feeling.

“Sweetheart...” He started gently, propping himself up on his elbows as Spock finished cleaning him up. “Spock, it’s... it’s okay.”

Spock blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“Jim?”

“It’s okay if you... if you didn’t like it. Not everyone likes it, and we don’t have to do it like that ever again if-!”

“Jim. Jim, I... I enjoyed that very much.”

Jim blinked, looking up at his boyfriend. Spock was blushing, but there was nothing but utter sincerity in his eyes.

“You... you did?”

“Yes, I... I have never felt such pleasure as I did while I was inside you. I simply... I apologize, Jim.”

Jim blinked again.

“Wait, what? Why... why are you apologizing?”

Spock flushed again.

“I... my behavior shortly before climax was... it was un-Vulcan, and from what I understand about Human relationships, the degree of possessiveness I displayed is generally looked down upon-!”

“Spock.” Jim winced as he got onto his knees and leaned on his boyfriend. “Spock, I’m not unhappy about that, not at all! Trust me, I was  _ into  _ it.”

“Y-You were?”

_ “Fuck  _ yes. God, I think I see why you guys repress all emotions now, if you were like that all the time I probably would have jumped you on day one.”

Spock blinked, then blushed even more, a small smile finally playing at his lips.

“I... I am pleased that you were not disturbed by my behavior. Or... or the fact that I lost control...”

Jim felt his expression soften, and he sighed, moving to cup Spock’s face.

“Sweetheart, I’ve told you over and over again. You don’t always have to be in control, or at least, you don’t with me, even if you do need to be like that with everyone else. I love you, and I want you to be happy.” He kissed Spock’s forehead. “And I don’t want you to worry about what I think of you, because the answer is always going to be that I think you’re perfect, warts and all.”

Spock was blushing again, although he was also furrowing his brow.

“I do not have any warts that I know of, Jim.”

Jim laughed.

“No, Spock, it’s an expression. It means I love you just the way you are.” He grinned at him. “And I know you love me back. You know that’s the first time you’ve ever said that you love me during sex?”

Spock blinked.

“I am certain I have said it before.”

“Oh, sure, you’ve  _ thought  _ it before. Like, a  _ lot.  _ But you’ve never said it out aloud before.” Jim kissed him gently. “And by the way? Feel free to do that whenever you want.”

Spock blushed delicately, though Jim could feel his amusement.

“Sooooo... how do Vulcans pee?”

Spock blinked, then narrowed his eyes.

“Jim.”

“What? You never told me! My curiosity is purely scientific mmmph.”

 

* * *

 

**2261.35**

“If you would just  _ talk  _ to me for  _ five minutes-!” _

“As I have told you repeatedly, Jim, I do not wish to discuss what occurred on Platonius. It happened, and I would like to move on.”

Jim was glaring at him now. Spock loved his mate, but his stubborness was one of his least favorite traits.

“So you’re saying that you saw me kiss someone else and you felt  _ nothing?” _

No. For a split second, he had been absolutely  _ enraged  _ with Uhura, before quickly redirecting his anger at Parmen and Philiana, the true culprits. 

But he could not tell Jim that. Jim could not know, could  _ never  _ know just what he had wanted to do to those two in that moment for forcing his mate and himself to be unfaithful to each other.

“I was somewhat distressed, I will admit to that, but it had nothing to do with you kissing Lt. Uhura, nor with my kissing Nurse Chapel. I was, as I had been throughout our visit to the planet, uncomfortable with the fact that I was not in control of myself.”

This was not a lie. He was uncomfortable with being unable to control himself.

He was also deeply uncomfortable with the way fury had boiled in his gut, how he had wanted nothing more than to break free of their control and grab them both, to tear them apart with his bare hands as he had wished to do to the man who had-!

“Spock, are you listening to me?”

Spock blinked, clearing his throat and straightening. He loved Jim, he did, but he  _ desperately  _ needed Jim to leave his quarters.

“I... I apologize, Jim, I... I am simply tired. I would like to meditate now-!”

“Spock, you’re clearly not okay. Look, we’re dating, you... I want you to talk to me when you’re upset, so please, just talk to me!”

No. No, he could not do that, Jim could never know, he could never find out just how much hate Spock was truly capable, he could never know how he had wanted to rip the Platonians limb from limb-!

_ Spock, if you can’t say it out loud, then please just-! _

Jim was reaching for him, for his mind, and before Spock had time to think logically, he reflexively put up a shield. Jim cried out, stumbling back before looking at Spock with wide, shocked eyes. Guilt tore through Spock, but he could not bring himself to bring down his shield, to let Jim in.

“Spock...”

His mate was hurt. Spock hated himself for this.

But he could not allow him into his mind. He could never know.

He could never know, because he would never stay with an animal such as Spock if he did.

“I am sorry, Jim, but I cannot share this. I am asking you to accept that.”

_ Please. Please accept that. _

“... No.”

Spock blinked.

“No?”

“No, Spock, I can’t accept that. I know that you were raised to, to suppress all emotions, to be perfect and logical, but I... Spock, you’re half-Human too, and we can’t live like that! We can’t live without ever expressing our emotions. You need an outlet, and I... I thought that you could at least be honest with  _ me.” _

“I  _ am  _ honest with you, and I am being honest when I say that I do not wish to share this with you. It would be an undue burden-!”

“I  _ love  _ you, your burdens are  _ my  _ burdens! That’s what being in a relationship  _ is,  _ Spock, you share things, and I know that’s hard for you because you don’t share anything  _ ever-!” _

“I have shared plenty with you.”

“Yeah, but only when it becomes immediately  _ relevant!  _ Name one time you voluntarily told me anything about yourself! Something that  _ mattered!” _

“There is no point in sharing irrelevant information with-!”

“It’s not-!” Jim groaned, shaking his head. “Dammit, Spock, I swear, sometimes talking to you is like talking to a brick wall! I don’t know how your mother put up with you and your father-!”

Spock was too late to stop the pain he felt at that statement from following through their bond. Jim froze, his eyes going wide once more as he looked at Spock.

“I... shit, Spock, I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have-!”

“Captain.” The word was out of Spock’s mouth before he could stop it, and he there was no mistaking the look of hurt on his mate’s face. “Captain, please leave my quarters now.”

“Spock, wait, I-!”

“I shall be clearer,  _ sir.  _ Leave my quarters, or I shall remove you myself.”

Jim swallowed, and Spock forced himself to strengthen his mental shield so that he would not feel his mate’s pain. He wanted nothing more than to back down, to pull Jim close and apologize, but...

But if he backed down now, then he would have to back down on the shielding, and then...

And then Jim would know. And he could not let that happen.

Because then Jim would be gone.

Still, as he watched his mate exit through their shared bathroom, he only barely fought the urge to call him back and admit defeat.

 

* * *

 

**2261.36**

When Jim’s bedside alarm went off, for once he didn’t press the snooze button. He hadn’t slept a wink last night, he certainly wasn’t gonna get any sleep now.

Spock was still shielding him, but it was thin enough now that he could tell that he was down in the labs already- getting an early start, he guessed.

Jim’s gut was twisting as he got out of bed and made his way over to the bathroom.

He was such an asshole. He deserved the silent treatment- he’d pushed too far on Spock’s boundaries, and then he’d taken it a step further by mentioning Spock’s father, which he knew was probably still a sore spot for the poor guy.

And he should know about fathers being sore spots, considering that out of the three father figures he’d had in his life, one, his bio dad, died like five minutes after he was born, two, his uncle Frank, had gaslighted and berated the hell out of him before finally beating him half to death and threatening to kill him with a dental drill, and even Pike...

Well, actually, Pike was pretty great, even now that he’d taken an early retirement from Starfleet they still talked a lot.

But still. Jim should have known better.

And it wasn’t like he had room to talk about the whole keeping things to himself part. For example, he still hadn’t told Spock about Frank, or even  _ Gary,  _ and Gary didn’t even treat him that badly- he was just a cheating asshole that took away Jim’s confidence in navigating romantic relationships-!

Actually. Fuck Gary. Fuck Gary Mitchell all the way to Qo’noS’ moon and back.

Still. Jim needed to apologize. It wasn’t fair of him to expect Spock to talk about his emotions as openly as Jim did- he’d been raised to repress all emotions, after all, and it clearly made him uncomfortable to even admit he  _ had  _ any emotions. 

He sighed as he got out of the fresher, shaking his head. He needed to apologize to Spock as soon as possible. 

And well, he knew his Vulcan. Spock was proud, but he was also so new at the whole relationship thing that he might not even know how to start the whole “making-up” process. 

Plus, this was Jim’s fault anyway, it made sense for him to be the one to raise a white flag first. So once he was dressed, he grabbed his PADD and typed out a message.

_ Spock-  _

_ We need to talk. Meet me in my quarters after Alpha shift. _

_ Jim _

He paused, then quickly added a “love” before his name- he didn’t want Spock to think he was still mad, after all- and sent it off. 

Okay. He’d made the first move. Now all he had to do was wait until Spock responded, which would probably be before Alpha shift started- if there was one thing he knew about Spock, it was that the guy was punctual.

They’d get through this, no sweat.

Or at least, that’s what Jim thought, right up until Alpha shift started and Spock  _ still  _ hadn’t replied to the message. 

For his part, Spock wasn’t acting like anything was wrong. Admittedly, the only thing Jim’s boyfriend had said to him since Alpha shift started an hour ago was a curt “captain” when he walked onto the bridge, and he hadn’t even  _ looked  _ at Jim since then. 

Of course, for all the not-looking Spock was doing, pretty much everyone else was making up for the deficit. Chekov and Sulu kept giving Jim these weird looks, and he could feel Nyota’s eyes practically boring a hole in the back of his head. And that was just the bridge crew- an ensign in science blues had practically stared daggers at him when she brought him a PADD to sign. 

Then Jim made yet another mistake- asking Spock to come over and clarify something for him. Spock did, but he was... well.

He was acting like he did when they first set out on the Enterprise three years ago. Except he was even  _ colder  _ now- when Jim made a joke back then, Spock would at least arch an eyebrow or comment on the illogic of it.

When Jim cracked a joke about an orchid this time, though, Spock didn’t even bat an eye. He didn’t even look at Jim, instead quickly finishing his explanation and returning to his console.

Jim’s stomach churned. Oh, god, he was in  _ so  _ much trouble, wasn’t he? Before they started dating, Spock would still comment on Jim’s dumb jokes even when he was mad at him.

And Spock was  _ still  _ shielding him, too. He couldn’t even try to ask what was wrong through their bond- he couldn’t even feel his emotions.

Though he was guessing that it was mostly just irritation at him.

“Sir?” 

Jim blinked, turning his chair slightly so he could look at Nyota. She had a neutral expression on her face, but he could see fire smoldering in her eyes.

“Uh... y-yes, Lieutenant?”

“May I please speak with you in private, Captain?”

Jim was kinda scared that she’d just start yelling at him on the bridge if he said no, so he agreed, following her into the turbolift.

“So...”

“Captain. Permission to speak freely?”

“Sure-!”

“What the  _ hell  _ is wrong with you?” 

Jim blinked, turning to Nyota, unsurprised to see that she was glaring at him, but more than a little terrified anyway.

“Nyota?”

“Look, I know that what happens between you and Spock is your business, but as your friend? You’re being  _ awful  _ to him.”

“Wh-?  _ Me? _ I’m being awful? All I did was try to offer an olive branch!”

Nyota scoffed.

“You call that an-? Look, even if that  _ was  _ an olive branch, it’s way too soon! You haven’t even actually done it yet, and also, dragging it out like this? I don’t care what happened between you, there is  _ no  _ reason to torture Spock like this!”

“Nyota, I genuinely have  _ no  _ idea what you’re talking-!”

The door to the turbolift opened, and in walked a very,  _ very  _ unhappy-looking Alice.

Wait.

“Alice? What the-? Buttercup, you’re supposed to be in class-!”

“Daddy, you can’t do this!” She shouted as the doors closed behind her, latching onto Jim’s leg. “I don’t know what happened, but you can’t break up with Papa!”

Jim blinked.

Then blinked again.

Then a third time.

Then, finally, it sunk in.

“W... Wait,  _ what?!  _ I’m not- why would I break up with Spock?!”

Both Nyota and Alice blinked.

“Wait, you’re... you’re not planning on dumping him?” Nyota asked.

_ “No!  _ God, of course not, he’s-! He’s the love of my life, why would I ever break up with him?”

“Didn’t you guys have a fight last night, though? That’s what you told me,” Alice commented.

“Yes, and it was  _ my  _ fault! I’ve been trying to apologize all day,  _ he’s  _ the one who’s upset with me!”

“No he’s not,” Nyota told him. “I saw him leaving the science labs earlier. He looked sad. Well, sad for him, anyway.”

“He...” Jim blinked, then groaned, pinching the bridge of his nose. “Oh, for the love of... okay, I really,  _ really  _ need to talk to him.”

“Yes you do,” Alice started sternly, “cause I already called dibs on being the flower girl at your wedding.”

 

* * *

 

Jim swallowed as his boyfriend walked into his ready room, trying not to show how nervous he was.

He hoped to god that Alice and Nyota had been right. He wasn’t sure he could handle it if Spock wanted to break up with him after all.

“Captain. You wished to speak with me?”

“I... just... just Jim, okay?”

Spock flinched almost imperceptibly before resuming an expressionless, robotic stance.

“I see. If it is all the same to you, Jim, then I would prefer not to waste time discussing this, as I am already aware of what you wish to say.”

Jim shook his head, taking a step toward Spock.

“No, I really,  _ really  _ don’t think you do-!”

“Jim, I realize that it is customary to do this sort of thing slowly, but I feel it would be less painful to simply get it over with.”

“Spock, listen, I-!”

“You wish to terminate our romantic relationship. I cannot say that I... that I am pleased with this outcome, but I will not argue with you on it, as it is your choice.”

“Spock-!”

“I should inform you, it will take approximately twelve point eight one days to reach New Vulcan from our present position, assuming we remain at warp 3. Since our... our bond has deepened in the past four point one nine months, it may be slightly painful-!”

_ “Spock!  _ I’m  _ not  _ breaking up with you!”

Spock blinked, his lips parting for a moment before they closed once more. His eyes were wide with shock.

“You... you are not?”

“Of course not!” Jim said emphatically as he closed the distance between them and took Spock’s hands in his. “Spock, I... you’re the love of my life, don’t you know that?”

“I... but you were...”

“I was upset, I know, but that doesn’t mean I love you any less. I, I know this is your first romantic relationship, Spock, but couples fight, even when they love each other. If you’re fighting with someone all the time, then sure, that’s a pretty bad sign, but never disagreeing is... it’s not healthy either. But you have to work through your problems, because that’s what couples  _ do.  _ They fight, they calm down, they make up. One fight doesn’t mean-!”

“Jim.” Spock had an odd look in his eyes, but he didn’t look quite as panicked or afraid as before. “Jim, I did not believe you were going to terminate our romantic relationship simply because we had an argument.”

Jim blinked. 

“W... Wait, what?”

“I may not have much personal experience with relationships, but I did observe the relationship between my parents growing up. They often disagreed, and would occasionally become angry with each other, but in the end they would reconcile. Besides that, you and I had many arguments prior to our relationship becoming romantic, none of which led to the end of our friendship.”

“Oh.” Jim frowned. “Wait, then why did you think I was going to break up with you?”

Spock blushed, glancing away and clearing his throat.

“Ah... that was due to the... the wording of the message you sent me this morning.”

“Huh?”

“When I first received it, I had taken it as a sign that we would be making amends by the end of the day, but an ensign who happened to see your message informed me that the phrase ‘we need to talk,’ generally precedes the termination of romantic relationships. Several other crew members were in the vicinity, and each agreed with that assessment.”

Jim blinked.

“W... Wait, are you saying you thought I was gonna break up with you cause some ensign gave you bad information?”

“In defense of the ensign, your wording did have a strongly negative connotation.”

“I signed my message with the word ‘love!’ Why would I do that if I was gonna dump you?”

“I had assumed you were trying to soften the blow.”

Jim groaned, leaning forward and resting his head on Spock’s chest. 

“So people have been glaring at me all day cause one ensign misinterpreted my  _ private  _ message to you?”

“I... people have been glaring at you?”

“All goddamn day. Nyota and Alice both yelled at me for being mean to you...” He looked up at Spock, resting his chin on his chest. “M’sorry about that, by the way... I wasn’t trying to drag it out, I was just trying to mend fences, y’know?”

“Jim, I am the one who erroneously believed you wished to terminate our relationship. Your actions were meant as a peace offering, rather than an attempt to hurt me further.” Spock moved back a bit, then pressed his forehead to Jim’s. “Which, in hindsight, would have been illogical, since you are not the type of person who would do such a thing. I apologize for assuming otherwise.”

“Spock...” Jim sighed, stepping back and shaking his head. “No, you... you don’t have to apologize, all of this is  _ my  _ fault.”

Spock blinked.

“Jim?”

“Look, I... I’m sorry that I pushed so hard about the emotion thing last night. And for calling you a brick wall. And... and for mentioning your father.”

“Jim-!”

He held up a hand.

“No, I need to say this. I was... I was being unfair. I know that you’re not as comfortable with expressing emotions as I am, which is saying something, and it’s not okay for me to expect you to suddenly be okay with it just cause we’re dating now.” He swallowed. “And... and it’s not fair for me to demand that you share everything with me, either. It’s not like... like I’m a shining example of transparency, either.”

“I... I do not understand.”

Jim sighed, looking away.

“You... you remember how I told you that I drove a car off a cliff when I was ten? I did that because Sam ran away from home, and because... well, Sam ran away from home because of the other reason I drove the car off the cliff. Mom’s brother, Frank, he lived with us for about a year, and he... he was  _ awful.  _ Nothing Sam or I ever did was good enough, he kept telling us that we were wrong about stuff we saw and heard, and... and once Sam ran away and I drove the car off the cliff, he snapped. Beat the shit out of me, put me in the hospital.”

For the first time since their fight, Jim felt something come through his bond with Spock- a mixture of horror and righteous fury. He snorted.

“Yeah, sorry, Mom kinda beat you to getting back at him. She broke his nose and got him arrested. I think he died like, eight years ago or something.” He swallowed, looking at his feet. “So... yeah, I’m not exactly in the clear on the whole ‘keeping secrets’ thing, either. And... and I shouldn’t have gotten so upset with you about it anyway. You’d... you’d never do anything like Gary did, so...”

“... Who is Gary?”

Jim grimaced.

“Gary... he was my first- and last- serious relationship. I was nineteen, he was twenty, and I... god, I was  _ crazy  _ about him, y’know? And I thought he felt the same way, but... well... I caught him cheating on me with a waitress. And a waiter. At... at the same time.”

“Jim...”

“Anyway, uh... he kinda fucked up my ability to, to trust people I’m in a relationship with... or have serious relationships at all. Alice... Alice wasn’t the only reason I never dated before we got together, I... I was scared that if I tried to have a serious relationship again, I’d just end up get my heart broken.” He smiled a little. “But... but then I found you, and I... I know you’d never hurt me like that. And I should have remembered that before I started pressing you on being open with me. I’m... I’m sorry, Spock-!”

_ “Jim,”  _ Spock breathed, and Jim barely had time to blink before he was being held tightly to Spock’s chest. “Jim,  _ ashayam,  _ you have nothing to apologize for.”

Jim blinked.

“Uh... yes I do. I just spent like, a good five minutes talking about it.”

“Those things are not your fault. I would not expect you to share your traumas with me until you were fully prepared to do so, and it is my fault that you were worried in the first place.”

“But I shouldn’t have-!”

“I am the one who shut you out,  _ t’hy’la,  _ and that was because I...” He heard Spock swallow. “Because I was afraid. I... I did not want you to know how  _ angry  _ I had become while we were on Platonius.”

Jim frowned, moving back so that he could look his boyfriend in the eyes.

“Spock, I know you were angry. I was angry too-!”

“You do not understand, I... I was enraged to the point that I wished to inflict violence upon Parmen and Philiana.”

Jim blinked again.

“Uh... well, I’m glad you didn’t, but y’know, after what they did to us, to you  _ especially,  _ it’s pretty understandable-!”

“Jim. The last person I wished to harm in that way was Khan.”

Jim blinked one last time, then felt his heart drop into his stomach as he finally realized what had made Spock so upset.

“Oh... oh,  _ sweetheart...” _

Spock was resting his forehead against Jim’s again.

“I... there are many reasons as to why I am reluctant to ever think of that man, but there are two chief among them. One is that I... the only other person that I have ever loathed so much is Nero, who is dead, while Khan yet lives in suspended animation. It... it is shameful, but I wish that he had died as well, and if his blood had not been necessary to revive you, I would have...”

“Honey,” Jim murmured, reaching up and rubbing circles behind Spock’s ears with his thumbs. “It’s alright, Spock. I know it hurt- that it still hurts, but it’s okay now. I’m here. I’m not going anywhere.”

“I know this, but... the incident is a great source of shame for me for another reason.”

“It is?”

“Yes, I... until... until you were...”

_ Until you were dying. _

The words went unsaid, both verbally and telepathically, but Jim knew that was what he meant.

“Go on.”

“Until... until that moment, I... I did not realize the depths of my affections for you. What you were to me.” Spock pressed their foreheads together once more. “And I am ashamed of that. I am ashamed that it took nearly losing you entirely to realize something that should have been obvious from the very start.”

“Spock...” Jim smiled gently. “Well, to be fair, we  _ did  _ hate each other in the beginning.”

“That is... that is untrue, at least on my part.”

Jim blinked.

“Wait, really? I’m, uh, I’m not entirely sure how else to read you dumping me on an ice planet, babe.”

Spock blushed, looking rather remorseful.

“I... I admit that I found you to be rather irritating when we first met, but... one does not meet one’s  _ t’hy’la  _ without knowing it on some level, Jim. The moment I first saw you at the academic hearing, I... I felt a sensation that I had never felt before.” He smiled, just a little. “At first, I believed that it was simply an intense disgust, but now I... what I was feeling was  _ shan’hal’lak.” _

“... Yeah, I don’t know that one.”

Spock chuckled a little, moving his hands to cradle Jim’s chin.

“It translates to ‘The Engulfment.’ The term closest in meaning in English is ‘love at first sight.’”

Jim blinked, then snickered.

“How Vulcans ever convinced anyone that they’re a bunch of emotionless logic-machines, I’ll never understand.”

“I believe it was less of a conscious effort on the part of my people, and more that we simply neglected to correct assumptions when they played into our favor.”

Jim laughed, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend’s neck and pulling him down for a kiss.

“I can’t believe you’ve been in love with me this whole time,” he murmured when they broke apart. “I would’ve sworn up and down that you thought I was an arrogant son of bitch at first.”

“I did think you were arrogant in the beginning, but I do not believe I would ever refer to your mother with such a derogatory term.”

“Oh, no, she’s a bitch and she’s proud of it. She’d tell you that herself if you asked.”

Spock furrowed his brow.

“Why would I ask her that?”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“It’s an expression, sweetheart.” He kissed him gently, then smiled at him. “So... are we okay?”

“I was not upset with you at any point,  _ ashayam.” _

Jim arched an eyebrow.

“Really? Even when I brought up your father?”

Spock winced slightly.

“I was... I was upset that you brought it up, yes, but not with  _ you.  _ I was more upset with myself for being unable to control my emotions.”

“Oh, Spock... sweetheart, look, I know that this stuff is hard for you, but I really think that it’d be healthy for you to be able to express them somehow. I know you’re half-Vulcan, but you’re also half-Human.”

Spock bit his lip, then sighed.

“I... I believe you may have a point. I have long kept my emotions buried, but I... I find that I do not wish to be as restrained when I am with you. You are... you are very dear to me, and I find I do not wish to keep my emotions from you.”

Jim smiled, kissing him once more.

“And I’ll try to be more understanding when you feel like you can’t. I won’t push you to talk about your feelings- I’ll let you come to me. Okay?”

“That is agreeable.” Spock leaned down and kissed him. Jim grinned against his lips, smirking when he pulled away.

“So... generally what happens now is the making-up part.”

“What does that entail?”

“Well, it could entail a lot of things, but I’m thinking one of us gets to have their mouth around the other’s cock.” He grinned. “I can go either way on who plays what role.”

Spock blinked, then flushed, looking away and clearing his throat.

“I... we are still on shift,  _ t’hy’la.” _

“Aw, spoilsport.” Jim kissed his cheek. “Okay, fine, but afterward?”

“... That would be amenable.”

He laughed, kissing him one last time before walking with him back to the turbolift.

“Love you,” Jim said as the turbolift started to move. Spock leaned over and pressed a kiss into his hair.

“I love you in return.”

Jim grinned as the doors opened, pressing two of his fingers to two of Spock’s just as they got out...

And found that every single member of the bridge crew was staring at them, most of them looking rather nervous.

_ I believe they wish to know whether we have terminated our relationship. _

_ Nosy jerks. Kiss me? _

_ We are on the bridge. _

_ You want them staring at us and whispering for the rest of Alpha shift? _

He felt Spock do the mental equivalent of rolling his eyes, then smiled when he kissed his cheek.

It was as if the entire bridge immediately let out a sigh of relief.

“Yeah, yeah, now get back to work,” Jim grumbled as he made his way back to his chair.

Of course, he didn’t think anyone really bought it- after all, Jim had the biggest, silliest grin on his face for the rest of Alpha shift.

 

* * *

 

**2261.45**

For the third time that morning, Spock found himself walking straight into a tangle of pink, white, and red streamers as he entered the mess hall. He grimaced, clearing the paper strings out of his eyes as he looked around for his mate and their child.

“Papa!” He heard Alice call. He looked to his left, his lips twitching upward when he saw her, Jim, McCoy, and Uhura sitting at a table nearby. He walked over to them, pressing two of his fingers against Jim’s when it was offered as he sat down. Alice shoved a card at him. “Happy Valentine’s Day!”

Spock blinked, opening the card. Inside was a somewhat crude drawing of two stick figures holding hands, with one of them holding a smaller stick figure. The small and the tallest were both outlined in green, and had triangles sticking out the sides of their heads. Above the stick figures were the words “Happy Valentines’ Day” in neat yet childish handwriting, surrounded by anatomically-incorrect hearts.

_ It’s supposed to be our family. Be nice, she worked really hard on it-! _

Spock was nearly overwhelmed with the sudden rush of affection he felt towards their daughter.

_ Oh, nevermind, then, you’ve got the idea. Also, aww... _

Spock fought back a flush and the urge to glare at his mate, instead giving their daughter a small smile.

“Thank you, Alice. This is very nice.”

Alice grinned hugely, then turned to McCoy.

“Now, help us convince Uncle Bones to ask Christine to be his Valentine!”

McCoy choked on his coffee as Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“I-! I told you, I’m not gonna... she doesn’t like me that way!”

Uhura snorted.

“Leonard, everyone can see the way she looks at you. Everyone but you.”

“Yeah,  _ I  _ see it, and y’know,” Jim gestured at Spock, “that’s saying something, all things considered.”

McCoy rolled his eyes as he looked over at Spock.

“Come on, Spock, you’re not buying this nonsense, right?”

“It is not nonsense, Dr. McCoy. I agree with my mate, Nurse Chapel clearly is attracted to you, and as you are clearly attracted to her-!”

“I’m not!” McCoy protested.

“Your pupils tend to dilate when you are looking at her. You smile and laugh more when she is in the vicinity. You also tend to become flustered when she is talking to you.”

McCoy’s face had turned a vibrant shade of red, and Jim was laughing silently.

“I... dammit, Spock, you’re supposed to be the logical one here!”

“I am being logical. You are attracted to Nurse Chapel, and she is attracted to you. It is logical to pursue a romantic relationship with her.”

McCoy glared at him, then narrowed his eyes.

“Fine. I’ll ask her out.  _ If  _ Uhura asks Carol out.”

Uhura blinked, then smiled.

“Okay,” she replied, getting up from the table and strolling over to the entrance, where Dr. Marcus had just appeared. They all watched as the two women spoke, and Marcus turned bright red before nodding vigorously.

“Huh. Well.” Jim grinned as he turned back to McCoy. “Looks like you have no choice, Bones.”

McCoy turned red, stuttering uselessly.

“Christine’s over there,” Alice informed him, a sing-song tone in her voice. “You should do it now, while the day’s still young.”

McCoy gave her a look, then sighed, getting up from the table.

“Fine, but if she laughs at me I’m sticking a hypo in your neck, Jim.”

“What? Why do  _ I  _ get blamed?”

McCoy didn’t say anything else as he walked over to Chapel. Spock noted that he was slightly jumpy as he spoke to her, but from the way she smiled, he was rather certain that things were going well.

“We are master matchmakers, babe,” Jim said, grinning at Spock.

“You aren’t masters of anything love-related, Daddy, it took you  _ two years  _ to get together!”

Spock barely managed to force back a laugh.

 

* * *

 

Jim was bouncing up and down on his toes when Spock walked into his quarters, and Spock couldn’t help but smile. His mate was very cute, he had to admit.

“Of course I’m cute, what’s so hard to admit about that?” Jim said with a pout. Spock smiled as he walked over to his mate, kissing his forehead.

“Nothing, although I do wonder what the crew might think if they knew how adorable their captain truly was.”

Jim stuck out his tongue at Spock, then leaned up and kissed him.

“We’re gonna be at the base soon.”

“Then I would like to exchange gifts now,  _ ashayam.”  _ He held out the gift he had carefully wrapped. “This is for you.”

“Aw, Spock, you didn’t have to do anything!”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“It is customary to give a gift to one’s partner on this holiday, as my mother did for my father. Admittedly, her goal may simply have been to annoy him, as he often protested the gesture, but I believe he appreciated it. Besides that, you are holding a gift for me behind your back.”

Jim squawked, then grinned sheepishly.

“Hey, no peeking!” Jim protested jokingly as he revealed a rather poorly-wrapped lump. “Give me a break, wrapping gifts doesn’t come naturally to me!”

“I apologize, Jim. I am certain the gift will be much more aethestically pleasing than the wrapping paper. Please open your gift.”

Jim rolled his eyes, then carefully removed the wrapping paper and blinked when he saw the gift.

_ “A Tale of Two Cities?” _

“You stated a fondness for the works of Charles Dickens, especially this book and  _ a Christmas Carol.  _ I was unable to locate a copy of that book, unfortunately.”

“I’m surprised you found a paper book at all-! Wait, is this... Spock, is this a  _ first edition copy?” _

“Indeed it is.”

“Spock, this was literally printed like three centuries ago! Where did you even  _ get  _ this?”

Spock blushed a bit, looking away.

“I... I have a fondness for antiques. Are you pleased?”

“I...” Jim smiled up at him, his eyes strangely misty. “Yes. Yes, I’m very,  _ very  _ pleased, sweetheart, thank you.”

Spock blinked.

“Then... why are you crying?”

Jim laughed, wiping at his eyes.

“Ah, H-Humans do that sometimes... it’s also, also cause this book... it’s special to us.”

Spock blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“I am afraid I do not understand your meaning.”

“Heh, well... you remember how the Ambassador melded with me on Delta Vega?”

Spock suppressed a twinge of jealousy, reminding himself that his counterpart had been clear that while he had loved his Jim as deeply as Spock loved his own, they were as different as Spock and his counterpart were, and the Ambassador had long since accepted his own  _ t’hy’la’s  _ passing.

“I do.”

“Well... some of his memories of his Jim kinda got mixed up with the info he gave me.” Jim’s smile could power the entire ship for centuries in Spock’s opinion. “And one of the things I saw was that he gave my counterpart this book for his birthday. This edition, even.”

Spock blinked.

“I... I was unaware of this. I simply thought you would like it.”

“Oh, I do, I really do, I just...” Jim grinned, kissing Spock gently. “God, I think we’re getting to be as cheesy as they were, and trust me,  _ that’s  _ saying something.”

“We are  _ t’hy’lara.  _ In any universe where we both exist, we are fated to find each other, and to love each other as we do now.”

“Really? Even in the mirror universe?”

“I suppose so, although from your depiction of it, I cannot say I wish to know how that would turn out.”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“Yeah, me neither.” Jim’s smile turned a bit sheepish. “Geez, now I feel a little embarrassed about my gift for you.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Why would you be embarrassed about your gift for me?”

“Well, just... you probably spent a lot of money on yours, and I... well, I guess I spent money on materials, but, uh... the thing is, I... I kinda  _ made  _ your present.”

Spock’s eyebrow arched higher before he turned back to the gift, gently removing the wrapping paper and blinking when he saw the gift inside- a dark, pine-green sweater that was clearly hand-knit by an expert. Spock took a step back, letting it unfurl before holding it against his chest, confirming that it was exactly his size.

“You... you made this?”

“Ah, uh, heh, y-yeah... that’s what I was working on last week when you came into my quarters and I kinda freaked out. Almost dropped a stitch, heh.”

“I... I did not know you knew how to knit.”

“Oh, yeah, I can knit. I can sew, too- both by hand and with a machine. I can crochet, too- oh, and embroider.” Jim cleared his throat, looking a bit sheepish. “Grandma Hilde taught me when I was a kid. I was always fidgeting, so she thought it would be good for me to have something to do with my hands. Idle hands are the devil’s workshop, she said. Turns out I actually had ADHD, but, y’know, it’s a good coping mechanism. Although Alice  _ did  _ end up with a collection of baby hats after she had to go to the hospital that one time. I was, uh, I was pretty freaked out, so I... yeah... I make things for people when I’m, y’know, feeling restless...”

Jim was babbling, and Spock could feel that his mate was nervous- in fact, he seemed to be expecting Spock to reject him. Spock smiled gently, draping the sweater over his shoulder and taking a step back towards his mate. Jim was still talking, but he trailed off when Spock put a hand on his cheek.

“Jim,” he murmured quietly. “Jim, this is... this is a very thoughtful gift. It is impressively well-made, as well as practical since my body temperature often causes me to be cold in environments suited for Humans. I am very grateful for it.”

His mate blinked, then blushed a bit.

“You... you really don’t think it’s silly? For- for me to know how to make stuff like this, I mean? I, I know it doesn’t really fit with the whole ‘macho captain’ vibe-!”

Spock silenced Jim with a kiss.

“It is not silly, and while I do not understand why knowing how to create clothing would undermine your masculinity, I am certain that it does not make you less of a man.” He quirked an eyebrow. “I also am unclear as to why you would care if you appear less masculine, since you are quite clearly a man.”

Jim blushed again, glancing around nervously.

“It’s, well... Frank, uh... let’s just say he really didn’t approve...”

Spock had to try very hard not to allow the disgust he felt at the mention of Jim’s late uncle to show on his face.

“I see. Frank was not an enlightened man, I take it.”

Jim snorted.

“Yeah, that’s, that’s putting it mildly...” Jim smiled shyly. “You... you really like it, though?”

“Yes, although... I am curious as to how you obtained my measurements for this article.”

Jim flinched, blushing and grinning sheepishly.

“Ah-heh, well... I might have... borrowed one of your uniform tops...”

Spock blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“I gave it back! Come on, did you even notice it was missing?”

“I did not, but I am still perturbed that you borrowed an item of my clothing without asking.”

“Aw, come on, it was for a good cause!”

“Be that as it may, I am still somewhat put off by that action.”

“Ugh, fine, I’ll...” Jim blinked, then smirked lavisciously. “Well, Mr. Spock, I’m sure I know how I can make it up to you.”

Spock suppressed a shiver.

“And... and how would you do that, Captain Kirk?”

“Weeeell... I could wear the top I stole later.” Jim took his hand, rubbing circles into Spock’s knuckles with his thumb.  _ “Just  _ the top.”

Spock’s ears began to burn as arousal flowed through him.

“I... Jim, we have dinner reservations.”

His mate laughed, leaning up and kissing him one more. 

“I didn’t mean now, babe. I meant after dinner, and after our daughter is fast asleep...”

This time, Spock was helpless to stop the shiver that ran through him.

“... That would be acceptable.”

 

* * *

 

“Spock, um... I’m glad you like the sweater so much, but... you didn’t have to wear it to dinner...”

Spock arched an eyebrow as he looked at Jim.

“It is a well-made sweater, and it is cold on this base. You also explicitly forbade me from wearing my uniform to dinner.”

“You have other sweaters.”

“I do not have any other sweaters made by you.”

Jim blushed, tugging his scarf over the lower half of his face.

“You are embarrassed.”

“I-I’m not! It’s- it’s just cold, like you said!”

_ “Ashayam,  _ we are bonded. I can tell that you are flustered.”

Jim squawked, then tugged his scarf down and pouted.

“Well, well it’s your fault for being so cheesy!”

“I am not cheesy,” Spock countered as he took a step towards Jim. “I am simply very fond of you.”

Jim rolled his eyes, then closed them as Spock leaned in for a kiss. Their lips were almost touching when-!

“Spock?”

Spock pulled away at the last second, going ramrod straight as he turned away from Jim. Jim didn’t have too long to pout, though- not when he saw the extremely familiar-looking Pakistani man holding two coffees about ten feet from them.

His eyes went wide.

“Holy... holy  _ shit,  _ you’re-! You’re  _ Commander Ash Tyler!” _

Tyler quirked an eyebrow, looking a little amused.

“Uh... yeah, I am. And you’re Captain James T. Kirk, right?”

“Yeah, but you’re-! You’re  _ the  _ Ash Tyler! You’re the guy that took out like, three Klingons in ten seconds, and-! Wait, Spock, how do you know him?”

His boyfriend quirked an eyebrow.

“How do  _ I  _ know Ash Tyler?”

“Yeah, I mean, I know you know Michael because she’s your sister, but Commander Tyler is-!” Jim blinked, then grinned sheepishly. “Is... married to Captain Michael Burnham. He’s your brother-in-law.”

“Indeed.”

“Spock. Why are you related to so many famous people?”

“It is unintentional on my part,” Spock replied before turning to Tyler. “Commander Tyler, it is good to see you again.”

“Spock, I’ve been married to your sister for three months, you can call me Ash.”

“Very well, Ash. Is my sister here as well?”

“Oh, yeah, she just went to the bathroom with- oh, there they are.”

“Huh? What do you mean, they-  _ Mom?” _

“Mother?” Spock asked at the same time that Jim said “Mom.”

“Oh, sweetheart, hello!” Amanda greeted cheerfully. “I didn’t know you were taking leave on this base.”

“I was unaware that you were not on New Vulcan,” Spock replied. Jim could feel how flabbergasted he was.

“Amanda has spent the past three Valentine’s Days with my husband, Commander Kirk, and myself, Spock,” Michael explained.

“Ah. I see.”

The reason behind that went unexplained- no one had to say it. 

Of course, Jim was a little distracted anyway- what with the way his mom was eyeing Spock’s sweater and looking at him knowingly. As usual, Winona Kirk knew everything, it seemed.

Well. This certainly wasn’t the way he was expecting to introduce his mom to his boyfriend, but he wasn’t getting out of it without doing it. Jim sighed, then reached for Spock’s hand. Just before he could take it, though, Spock moved his hand away, folding his arms behind his back. Jim blinked, furrowing his brow and looking up at his boyfriend.

_ What’s wrong? I thought you liked holding hands. _

_ I do, but at the moment, I cannot. I am sorry. _

_ What? Why not? _

_ I-! _

“Well, long as we’re all together, why don’t we spend some time catching up?” Jim’s mom suggested, her eyebrow quirked knowingly. “It’s been a while, after all.”

Jim tried not to flinch, grinning sheepishly.

“Ah-heh, well... something pretty big  _ did  _ happen a little while ago-!”

“Captain,” Spock interrupted. “Captain, may I speak with you for a moment? In private?”

Jim blinked. 

“Captain? Spock, what’s-!”

_ “Please.” _

He could feel Spock’s desperation through their bond, and Jim frowned, nodding.

“Um, okay... sorry, back in a minute...”

The others looked confused as they walked away. Once they were in a somewhat secluded area, Jim crossed his arms across his chest.

“You wanna tell me what that was about?”

“I apologize,  _ ashayam,  _ but I cannot... I cannot be affectionate with you in any way at this moment.”

“What? Why not? I know Vulcans have a lot of taboos about physical affection, but Michael and your mom already know that Vulcans can be affectionate, and, well, my mom knows everything, and I don’t think Commander Tyler would-!”

“Jim. My mother is unaware of the fact that I am gay.”

Jim blinked, then felt his lips part slightly.

“You... w... wait, you mean you, you... Spock, you never came out to your mother?!”

His boyfriend flushed a bit.

“I... no. Michael is the only member of my family whom I have informed of my sexual orientation.”

“Why- okay, look, it’s absolutely your choice as to whether you come out to someone or not, but why not? Your mom’s, like, the nicest person ever!”

Spock looked incredibly uncomfortable.

“It... it is difficult for me to... you must understand, Jim, it is... it is not the Vulcan way to be so open about such matters, and I... I refused to acknowledge that part of myself for the majority of my life. It was difficult enough to admit my homosexuality to myself, let alone Michael. My mother... I do not anticipate that she will disapprove, but... I do not even know how to begin.”

Jim felt his expression soften.

“Spock...” He smiled gently. “Well, don’t do what I did.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“Which was?”

“Accidentally let her catch you making out with a guy in the barn at fifteen.”

Spock blinked, then smirked a bit, kissing Jim quickly.

“I am sorry that I cannot be as affectionate as is the norm on this holiday, dear one.”

“It’s okay, Spock, I get it. You don’t need to come out before you’re ready.” Jim smiled gently once more. “But I really don’t think you have anything to worry about.”

Spock smiled, then straightened, that Vulcan stoicism returning to his face as they returned to the rest of the group. Both Jim’s mom and Michael were giving them odd looks, but overall it was going well, and Jim was also getting some  _ priceless  _ stories about a four-year-old Spock playing “doctor” with the family pet (“And then he said, ‘the cancer has spread, get your house in order.’ That’s verbatim, and he said it in exactly that tone of voice.” “I did not.” “Yes you did, Spock, I was there.” “Michael, please.”)

Of course, Jim’s mom was also sharing some stories about the day six-year-old Jim discovered firecrackers, but turnabout was fair play, he supposed.

And then Amanda brought up T’Pring.

“I saw her at the market a few days ago. She looked well, Spock, although I didn’t get to talk with her much.”

Jim felt a twinge of nervousness from Spock, and he glanced at his boyfriend, wishing he could hold his hand to comfort him.

“I... I see.” Spock looked like he wanted to melt through the floor.

“Oh, Jim, do you know who T’Pring is?”

Jim choked on his soda, coughing a bit and trying to clear his throat.

“Uh, I... y-yeah, I, um, I do.”

“She’s a lovely woman, really, but...” Amanda sighed. “Well, it’s not my place to say. Besides, it won’t be relevant for a little while yet, I’m sure.”

Spock was drumming his fingers against the bench. Michael was staring at Spock incredulously. Tyler looked like he would rather be absolutely anywhere else, which Jim totally got. 

Jim’s mom was giving him a confused look, and all Jim could do was shrug.

“What?” Amanda asked as she looked between her children. “Michael, why are you looking at him like that?”

“I don’t know. Spock, why am I looking at you like this?”

“... I would prefer not to say.”

_ “Spock.  _ You didn’t tell her?”

“It was not relevant.”

“There is nothing  _ more  _ relevant-!”

“Wait, wait, slow down,” Amanda started. “I’m missing something here, now someone tell me what’s going on. Spock, what didn’t you tell me?”

Spock cleared his throat, bouncing his leg slightly.

“I... Mother, T’Pring and I are no longer betrothed.”

Amanda blinked.

“Wait, what? I thought the only way to break that bond was through-!” Her eyes widened.  _ “S’Chn T’Gai Spock.” _

Oop, full name. Spock was in trouble.

_ Not helpful, t’hy’la. _

“Mother, I believe that we should discuss this in private.”

“Yes, I believe we should. I cannot  _ believe  _ you, I spoke to her for four minutes like she was still going to be my daughter-in-law!”

Jim bit back a snicker as his boyfriend walked away, pursued by his tiny, angry mother.

_ Good luck, babe.  _

“So,” Michael started, drawing Jim out of his thoughts. “I want to hear it straight from the horse’s mouth- how long have you been dating my little brother?”

Jim choked on his own spit, then groaned.

“How did you find out?”

“Scuttlebutt,” Tyler told him as he draped an arm around Michael’s shoulders. “Word travels fast around Starfleet, Jim.”

“I can’t believe you knit the guy a sweater,” Jim’s mom commented, smirking. “You must have it  _ bad, _ shortstack.”

All Jim could do was laugh sheepishly. He then paused, a thought coming to him.

“Hey, wait, Mom, how do you know Spock’s mom anyway?”

His mom snorted.

“Kid, I’ve been friends with Amanda Grayson since before your brother was even a twinkle in your dad’s eye.”

Jim blinked, then made a face.

“Mom, ew.”

“What? You’re a parent, you know that babies are what happen when two people-!”

_ “Mom! Gross-a-rooney!” _

“Aren’t you twenty-eight?”

“Aren’t you fifty-seven?”

“Hey, I’m middle-aged, not dead!”

Jim groaned, putting his face down on the table.

 

* * *

 

Spock’s mother was angry with him. He knew this both because he could see the expression on her face, and because he could feel it through their bond.

“Alright, Spock, now. Start from the beginning.”

Spock swallowed, straightening and not making eye contact with his mother.

“My Time began on stardate 2260.62, seven days after the beginning of the Enterprise’s five year mission.”

“Spock, you’re only  _ thirty-one.  _ It shouldn’t have happened until you were at least thirty-seven!”

“Generally, yes, however... since the Ambassador confirmed that his first  _ pon farr  _ came at the usual age, I believe that the decimation of the Vulcan race may have forced mine to come early. In any case, I ended up disclosing this to Ji- the captain on stardate 2260.64, and and we arrived on New Vulcan the next day, at which point I initiated the  _ koonut kaliffee.  _ However, T’Pring chose the challenge-!”

“She  _ what?!” _

“She was well within her rights to do so, Mother. And I... I do not begrudge her for it, as I had no desire to be bonded to her either.” Spock swallowed, then took a small breath. “Or... or to any woman.”

His mother was silent for a moment, though it felt like an eternity.

“Spock... sweetheart, what are you saying?”

“I am saying that I do not... I do not experience attraction to women in a romantic or sexual sense.” His ears were burning again. “I... I do experience romantic and sexual attraction, but only... only towards members of my own gender. To put it plainly, I... I am gay, Mother.”

“You... you are?”

Spock blinked, looking down at his mother, who did indeed look quite stunned.

“You... you did not know?”

“Know? Honey, how would I know that, you never told me!”

“Michael knew before I told her.”

“Wh- You told Michael?”

Spock blushed.

“I... we had a similar conversation to this one last year, although... there has been a rather large change since then.”

His mother quirked an eyebrow.

“Oh?”

“Yes, it... it concerns my relationship with my cap... with Jim.”

“Jim Kirk?”

“I do not know any other Jims. While at the time of my conversation with Michael, Jim was my captain and close friend, in the year since then, our relationship has... changed rather significantly.” He hesitated, then took a breath. “In that it has... it has become romantic in nature.”

“W... Wait, you’re... you’re dating your captain? Spock, Starfleet’s fraternization laws-!”

“Do not apply here. If we were simply dating, they would, but the nature of our relationship is... Mother, Jim and I are  _ t’hy’lara.” _

His mother blinked before her eyes widened, a smile gracing her lips before she pressed her palms together in front of her mouth.

“Oh,  _ sweetheart,  _ that’s- that’s  _ wonderful!” _

Spock blinked. 

“You... you are not disappointed?”

“Spock, of course not! I love you, and what I want most is for you to be happy.” His mother smiled. “And if Jim Kirk is what makes you happy, then... well, I’m a little surprised considering how you complained about him when you first met him, but if he’s what makes you happy, and you love and care about each other, then I’m happy for you.”

Spock blushed a bit, but still smiled.

“I... I do love him. Very much.” He took a step towards his mother. “And... and I love you as well, Mother.”

His mother blinked once, twice, three times before her eyes began to water.

“Oh,  _ Spock...” _

“I... I did not say it very often as a child. Or an adolescent, or... or ever. But that does not mean that I did not-!”

It was at that moment that Spock’s mother rushed forward and pulled him into a hug. He felt a rush of affection from her, and in that moment, he could not help but hug her back.

Though he had protested the gesture as he’d gotten older, he’d secretly always been fond of his mother’s hugs. There had been a warmth in her embrace that he’d always found comforting.

Even now, that was still the case.

 

* * *

 

_ I’m glad everything’s cool between you and your mom. _

Spock smiled, glancing up at the door to the bathroom. He could hear the fresher running- Jim had insisted on showering tonight rather than in the morning.

_ Yes. She was quite happy to learn about the change in our relationship, as well as the fact that she finally has a grandchild. Although she did express some disappointment at the fact that she will never get to have a grandchild who is a baby. _

_ You didn’t tell her about David, did you? _

_ No. It could have a detrimental effect on the timeline, and I thought it would be better to surprise her in any case. _

He could feel Jim’s amusement through their bond, then heard the fresher turn off. Moments later, the door to the bathroom opened, and Spock promptly dropped his PADD in his lap.

“Y’know, I like being a captain, but I gotta say, I might have missed my calling as a Science officer,” Jim commented as he leaned up against the doorway, smirking seductively. “I look damn good in Science blues.”

Spock agreed with that statement wholeheartedly, but did not voice it- instead, he calmly placed the PADD on the nightstand, got out of bed, walked over to his mate, and picked him up. Jim yelped in surprise, but did not protest as Spock carried him back to the bed and pinned him to it.

_ “Mine,”  _ he stated before capturing Jim’s lips in a bruising kiss. He repeated the word as he pressed kisses to Jim’s jaw and neck, then through the uniform top from collarbone to navel. Jim whimpered and mewled, and by the time Spock got between his legs he was already quite thoroughly aroused. Spock’s mouth watered at the sight, and for a moment, he considered simply taking him in his mouth, but then another thought occurred to him.

“What?”

“I...” Spock swallowed, blushing a bit. “You are... you are free to say no, of course, but... I wish to try something different tonight.”

Jim blinked, quirking an eyebrow.

“Yeah?”

“I... I wish to...” Spock bit his lip, then focused on his bond with Jim, sending him a mental image of the act he wished to perform on Jim. His mate flushed a deep shade of red, his length twitching a bit as it hardened further.

“Oh...  _ oh!”  _ Jim grinned down at him, propping himself up on his elbows. “Wow, haven’t done that one in a while.”

“Would... would you like me to...?”

“Oh, definitely,” Jim replied before rolling onto his stomach. “Have at, babe.”

Spock swallowed a bit of excess saliva as he took Jim’s buttocks in hand, pulling them apart and leaning down.

He then paused as a thought came to him.

“What the- ugh,  _ yes,  _ Spock, it’s clean down there. Geez, what do you think I was doing in the shower for so looooeeeep!”

Spock noted that this was a very effective way to get Jim to stop talking as he lapped at his mate’s hole.

“H-Hey, I can shut up- oooh, yeah, right there,  _ yesss...” _

_ I live to serve you, t’hy’la. _

This was the last coherent thought Spock had for the next few hours. It was not until he had a sated Jim fast asleep in his arms that the next one arrived.

_ I should wonder how I ever managed to be as lucky as to have you as my t’hy’la. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They're like a couple of damn rabbits, I tell ya.
> 
> Also, I guess now's the best time to admit that I was humming "What is this Feeling" from Wicked the entire time I was writing the academic hearing waaaaaaaaay back in the first chapter.
> 
> Also also, Ash Tyler being a secret Klingon was pretty much one of my least favorite parts of Discovery S1. I kinda admire the lengths the crew went to to hide the big reveal, but come on- making the male SA victim a bad guy, and also making it look like it might not have been SA at all? Boooooo. Plus, come on, there was an interracial romance that didn't involve white people! But nooooo, you had to be "edgy." 
> 
> Sorry, I'm still kinda mad about it.
> 
> Guest Starring:  
> Anthony- Peter Dinklage (off-screen, but his role overall is important)  
> Ash Tyler- Shazad Latif  
> Michael Burnham- Sonequa Martin-Green  
> Winona Kirk- Michelle Pfeiffer
> 
> Anyway, that's it for this chapter! For the next chapter, there's only one episode being rebooted- "Whom Gods Destroy," and it's a pretty loose adaptation since I'm really only using the general plot and location to kickstart a longer plot that will take up most of the chapter. Also, please be advised that the next chapter will involve some darker themes, which I will elaborate on in the warning for it. 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!


	10. Chapter 10

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warning! This chapter contains non-graphic references to sexual assault and slavery, as well as depictions of panic attacks and self-harm. Please be careful if these things are sensitive topics for you!

**2261.84**

It was supposed to be a simple mission. Go to the Elba II asylum, pick up the exonerated Vulcan inmate known only as “Max,” then take him to New Vulcan. Jim hadn’t even been worried about having a mental patient onboard- it had been proven that his actions were in defense of others, and the victims were slavers that traded in “rare and exotic species,” such as Vulcans after the Nero Incident. They’d take him to a facility on New Vulcan, where he’d be much better off, and that would be the end of it.

Of course, since this was Jim Kirk’s life, that  _ wasn’t  _ the end of it. Instead, he was stuck in a cell with the asylum’s governor, watching as a former Starfleet hero had the love of his life dragged away and went on and on about ruling the universe or whatever.

Seriously. One normal mission. That was all Jim was asking for.

“Huh, guess they forgot me again,” a voice said once Garth and Marta had left.

Jim jumped, scrambling back as he looked into the shadowy cell across from him. He’d already seen Garth turn into him- he didn’t need any more surprises.

“Oh, sorry!” The voice said again. Jim could vaguely make out a figure in the darkness. “Didn’t mean to startle you. People just tend to forget about me, so I shouldn’t really be surprised.”

“It’s... it’s fine...” Jim squinted a bit. “Come into the light.”

The figure hesitated, then slowly stepped out into the light, revealing a tall, dark-haired Vulcan man in white robes. His long hair was curly and messy, and his beard was ill-kempt.

He also looked eerily like Jim’s boyfriend. Like,  _ scarily  _ like him, though his nose was a little lower.

“Hi,” the Vulcan said after a minute. “I’m Max.”

Jim blinked.

“M... Max?”

“Well, that’s what they call me. I don’t think it’s my name, since it stands for ‘Maximum Security Prisoner 12.’”

“Well, what  _ is  _ your name?”

Max shrugged.

“Hell if I know. I don’t remember anything before about... uh... eight months ago, I think?” An odd look passed over Max’s features. “I, uh... I don’t particularly like remembering anything from before three months ago, though. Not pleasant. So maybe I’m just not trying hard enough...?”

“Max, we’ve scanned you over and over again,” Dr. Cory finally managed to say, though he still looked more than a little worse for wear. “There’s no evidence that you have any personal memories prior to eight months ago, and pushing yourself to remember will only cause you further psychological harm.”

“But how else I am ever gonna remember who I used to be?”

“I told you, Max, you’ve been cleared of wrongdoing. You’re going to be taken to a facility on New Vulcan, where you’ll be treated from now on. They’ll be able to restore your memories through telepathic treatments.”

Max blinked.

“When did you tell me that?”

“... Yesterday.”

Max blinked again, then grinned sheepishly.

“Uh, sorry, doc, I... I kinda spent most of yesterday dissociating, I don’t remember... really anything that happened all day.”

Cory sighed.

“Sorry... anyway, uh, Kirk, right? What are you doing here?”

“Oh, uh... I’m the captain of the ship that was supposed to take you over to New Vulcan.” He jerked his head towards the entrance. “The guy you saw get dragged away was my first officer, Spock.”

Max blinked, and Jim could’ve sworn that he saw something resembling recognition flash dimly in his eyes.

“Spock... I don’t know why, but I feel like I’ve heard that name before...”

Jim grinned a little.

“Yeah, well, that might be cause he’s the best First Officer in Starfleet.”

Max blinked again, then smiled and shook his head.

“I don’t think that’s it, but something else is clear to me now.”

“Oh?”

“Yup. He’s your boyfriend, huh?”

Jim squawked, turning bright red.

“I-! H-How did you...?”

Max shrugged.

“It was written all over your face. I’m pretty good at reading people.” Max sighed as he sat down, sitting criss-cross. “Still, he did look familiar, but... nope. It’s a blank. Anyway, I should tell ya- you’re not gonna get too far with Garth. I may not be entirely present for... good chunks of the day, but guy’s got some  _ weird  _ delusions of grandeur. Plus, he can shapeshift. Seems like a bad combination to me.”

Jim frowned.

“I read about him back in the Academy. He used to be such a legend.”

Max shrugged.

“I don’t know anything about that, just that he talks half the night and I barely get any sleep. What’s worse is I don’t even think he knows I exist, cause everyone else sleeps just fine.”

Jim blinked.

“He talks at night? What about?”

“I dunno. Sounds like random nonsense about taking over the universe. Last night he basically just said what he said to you about the Enterprise-!”

“Captain!” Garth suddenly called, sashaying a bit as he entered the room. “Captain Kirk! I hope you haven’t been too uncomfortable, sir!”

“... you threw me in a jail cell.”

“Well, it is a rather nice one! Now, I’ve been quite remiss in my duties as your host. I’d like to renew my offer to have you and Mr. Spock join me for dinner.”

Jim all but leapt to his feet.

“What did you do to him? Where is he?”

Garth laughed, shaking his head.

“Ah, don’t be so quick to anger, my dear man. He’s right here.” Garth turned. “Marta!”

Jim watched as Spock, who was thankfully unharmed, was escorted back in, surrounded by the other inmates and restrained by Marta.

“Why can’t I blow just one of his ears off?” Marta whined.

“Oh, stop that, Marta, Mr. Spock will think we’re lacking in hospitality!” Garth chastised before turning back to Jim and lowering the cell’s forcefield. “Won’t you join us, Captain Kirk?”

Jim gave Garth a hard look, then walked out of the cell, doing his best not to show how relieved he was that his boyfriend was okay.

“How are you, Mr. Spock?”  _ Are you okay, sweetheart? I swear, if that bastard harmed one hair on your head-! _

“Very well indeed, thank you, Captain.”  _ I am well, ashayam, as are all the hairs on my head. _

Jim bit back a smile, then looked back at Garth.

“Isn’t Dr. Cory joining us?”

“Ah, I’m afraid he doesn’t seem to be on the guest list.”

“An oversight?”

Garth smirked.

“An intentional one. The good doctor’s fasting, you see.”

“Hm.” Jim peered over Garth’s shoulder. “Well, what about Max?”

Garth blinked.

“Max?”

“Hey, Garth,” Max greeted. “You forgot I was in here again, huh?”

Garth blinked, then looked annoyed as he turned around.

“Max. You had your chance to join us already, and you said nothing.”

“Eh? Wait, when did you ask?”

“... Yesterday.”

“Yeeeaaaah, I remember just about none of yesterday, Garth.” Max rapped his knuckles against his head. “This brain of mine’s a little spacey, remember?”

Jim was about to laugh, but then he suddenly felt a wave of shock from his boyfriend. When he turned to look at Spock, his eyes were wide, his mouth hanging open slightly.

_ Babe? Everything okay? _

_ I... Jim... I do not know how this is possible, but-! _

“Fine, fine, Max, you may join us for dinner. But if you cause trouble-!”

“Hey, when have  _ I  _ ever caused trouble?” Max protested as he stood up, walking over to them when the forcefield was lifted. “That’s your thing, remember?”

Garth scoffed, then motioned for them to follow him.

“Hi, by the way,” Max said to Spock, sticking out his hand. “I’m Max. You’re Spock, right?”

Jim felt another wave of shock from his boyfriend, this time accompanied by an odd sense of hurt.

“I am Spock, yes. You are Vulcan.”

“That’s what they tell me.”

“Did they not also inform you that Vulcans do not touch hands upon greeting?”

Max blinked, then grinned sheepishly as he retracted his hand.

“Ah-heh, well, probably... sorry, I don’t... I’ve basically got no memories from before eight months ago, and the first five months of that...” Another strange look passed over Max’s face, and when he smiled again it didn’t quite reach his eyes. “Eh-heh, well, I... I, uh, I really don’t like remembering anything from before three months ago. Course, I also just  _ can’t _ remember a lot of stuff that happened in those five months, so it’s kinda moot.”

Jim blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“You can’t remember?”

“Well, I can if I really try, but I... a lot of it just doesn’t come to mind right away, you know? Like, I don’t even remember what I did to be put in this place. They  _ told  _ me what I did, but I... well... what I did has a lot to do with what those people did to  _ me,  _ and...”

Max suddenly trailed off, his eyes going glassy as he kept walking forward.

“Max?”

“... huh? Oh, sorry, was I...? That, that happens sometimes when I think about it. Which is why I try not to.” Max’s smile still didn’t reach his eyes. “It’s... it’s not fun, y’know?”

Jim wanted to ask for clarification, but found they’d already made it to the dining room. The food was- admittedly- delicious, but it was kinda hard to eat while watching the Andorian use the Tellarite as a wheelbarrow.

At least, that’s what Jim thought they were doing, he wasn’t totally sure.

“They’ve gotten better at that,” Max commented as he munched on an apple. “Used to be that Thelev would push Gav right into the table and then they’d have a row.”

“Fascinating,” Spock commented dryly.

“Yeah, it was pretty dumb.”

Jim smothered a laugh, although he couldn’t help but note just how much Spock and Max really looked alike now that they were sitting side by side. Before he could ponder that further, though, Jim suddenly found himself with a lapful of Orion woman.

“Keep your hands off Kirk!” Garth ordered. Marta ignored him, picking up a grape and putting it in Jim’s mouth. “Oh, you treacherous thing!”

Marta laughed, running over to Garth.

“You’re  _ jealous!” _

Well, Jim didn’t know about Garth, but considering how Spock was thinking the word  _ mine  _ over and over again, he knew one person who definitely was.

_ I assure you, Spock, I’m not interested in not-buff She-Hulk over there. _

_ I do not understand that reference. _

“The Captain is annoyed by your attentions, that’s all!”

Marta pouted, then walked back over to Jim and draped herself over his shoulders.

“Am I annoying you, dearest?”

“Yeah, it’s, uh, it’s kinda irrelevant whether or not I’m into this- for the record, not. I’m very much spoken for, and my boyfriend’s not exactly the type who shares.”

Marta pouted again, then ran a finger down Jim’s arm, which, had Jim not been on the receiving end of a very nice blowjob courtesy of the love of his life that morning, might have done something for him.

“Are you sure? I happen to be the most beautiful woman on this planet, you know.”

“You’re the only woman on this planet, Marta,” Max said before biting into a potato wedge. 

“Shut up, Max!” Marta all but shrieked. “I’m the most beautiful woman in this galaxy! And I’m intelligent, too! I write poetry, and I paint marvelous pictures! And! And I am a  _ wonderful  _ dancer!”

Garth dared her to recite a poem she’d written, and Marta strolled into the spotlight.

_ Jim, if you could create a diversion, I might be able to find the control room and open the forcefield. _

_ Yeah. All we’d need is a few seconds, since Scotty’s probably alerted the security detail by now-! _

“Gentlemen. All eyes on the performer, if you please.”

Marta cleared her throat.

“Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate...”

_... Does... does she know that’s Shakespeare? _

_ I do not believe so. _

“You wrote that?!” Garth bellowed.

“Yesterday, as a matter of fact.”

“It was written by an Earthman named Shakespeare a long time ago!”

“Which does  _ not  _ alter the fact that I wrote it again yesterday! I think it’s one of my best poems!”

“She’s not wrong,” Max commented. “I mean, she’s delusional, but she’s not wrong. Course, I spend most of the day staring at walls and thinking about nothing, so what do I know?”

Garth ordered Marta to dance soon after that, and Jim resisted the urge to grin when Spock compared it to dancing in Vulcan nursery school.

_ Please tell me your mother has videos of a three-year-old you dancing. I will pay good money for that. _

_ Ashayam, not now. _

“She’s yours if you wish, Captain,” Garth told him. 

Jim could have  _ sworn  _ he heard Spock growl possessively, his lips twitching upward.

“My relationship status hasn’t changed in the past few minutes, Garth. I’m quite happily taken.”

Garth’s smile didn’t diminish.

“Well, your partner never has to find out, does he?”

_ MINE. _

Jim bit back a laugh.

“Yeah, uh, when I say I’m taken, I mean it. I’m not interested in your offer, Garth, magnanimous as it may be.”

Garth went on and on about some plan of his, Spock breaking in at certain points to refute a claim, and Max making droll comments as he munched on random veggies.

They would make a good comedy duo, actually. They played off each other really well.

Of course, then Garth all but  _ exploded,  _ demanding that both Vulcans be removed from his presence. Garth then tried to offer Jim some wine, but he protested, demanding to know where the other two were taken. He then tried to- cleverly, Jim was sure he thought- get Jim’s countersign out of him, and again Jim refused to take the bait, pointing out that he wasn’t much good to Garth dead when the man threatened him. Marta then tried to seduce him by saying she’d run away with him if he told Garth what he wanted to know, to which Jim reminded her yet again that he had a boyfriend.

Then Garth had him dragged off to some kind of torture chair, and Jim blacked out at some point. The next thing he knew, he was in some room, on a rather comfortable bed, and Marta was giving him water.

“I told him I would discover your secret. I lied. I would have told him anything to save you from that torment.”

Jim smiled weakly.

“That’s... that’s very sweet, Marta, but I’m kinda planning on spending the rest of my life with my boyfriend, so-!”

Marta kissed him, and he pushed her away.

“Now, hold on, I don’t want to-!”

“I think I’ve loved you since the moment I saw you, Captain,” she purred.

“I- no, no you haven’t, and even if you did, I’m not interested. But I  _ can  _ help you if you let me get back to my ship-!”

“Oh, Captain, I’d love to help you, of course I would. But you must wait. Soon Mr. Spock will be here, and everything will be fine.”

Jim blinked, furrowing his brow.

“I guarantee you, if he sees you on top of me like this, he’s not gonna be a happy camper-!”

“Oh, hush. I’ve made all the arrangements, so don’t worry, darling.” She pushed him back onto the bed. “Let me take care of you.”

She kissed him again before he could protest, and he pushed on her shoulders, trying to get her to stop.

Of course, then she tried to stab him, which she only failed to do because after Jim knocked the knife out of her hand, she went after it, and then Spock managed to neck-pinch her.

“You’re a lifesaver, hon,” Jim breathed. “God, she just would  _ not  _ take no for an answer!”

“Indeed. It seems she’s worked out an infallible method to ensure fidelity.” His boyfriend arched an eyebrow. “Interesting.”

“I mean, I’m pretty sure there are some better ways to do it... shall we get the hell out of here?”

“I believe that would be wise.”

 

* * *

 

Jim groaned as he flopped down onto Spock’s bed face first.

“God, I never wanna hear the name ‘Garth’ ever again...”

“You still have to write your report,  _ ashayam,”  _ Spock reminded him as he sat down on the bed, his hand coming to rest on the small of Jim’s back. 

“Can’t you do it for me?”

He felt a wave of amusement from his boyfriend.

“No.”

“Aw, please? I’ll blow you if you do it.”

“A generous offer, but I calculate an eighty-three percent likelihood that you would do so anyway, given our previous sexual encounters.”

Jim turned over, pouting.

“Well, now you aren’t getting  _ any  _ blowjobs, how’s that?”

“Jim, that threat would be more credible if you did not enjoy fellating me-!”

Jim leaned up, silencing his stubborn Vulcan with a kiss.

“I am not stubborn.”

“Are too.” Jim blinked, then frowned. “Hey... not to change the subject, but in all the confusion, you never did tell me what had you so shocked back on Elba II.”

Spock’s eyes widened, his ears drooping slightly.

“I... it is nothing-!”

“Now, I know that’s not true. Come on, babe, tell me.”

Spock swallowed, then sighed.

“It... it is about the patient we are now transporting.”

“Max? What about him?”

“He is... we have met before, and until today I was under the impression we would never meet again.”

Jim blinked.

“Huh? Why?”

“Because... because Max’s real name is S’Chn T’Gai Sybok.”

Jim blinked again. And again.

Then it finally hit him.

“W... Wait, you think... you think Max is your brother? Your  _ dead  _ brother?”

“It may have been quite some time since I last saw his face, but I would know my brother anywhere. In addition, Max has no memories prior to eight months ago, which aligns perfectly with when Sybok passed.”

“But you felt your bond with him snap, right?”

Spock bit his lip, drumming his fingers against the bed.

“It... it is possible that the event that caused Sybok to lose his memories also forced his telepathic bonds to break. However, it... it would have to be a highly traumatic event to cause such damage.”

“Spock...” Jim swallowed. “Well... you can fix it, right?”

Spock blinked.

“Pardon?”

“You and Sybok grew up together, right? So you’ve got a lot of the same memories. If, if you meld with him, he’ll see those memories and it might-!”

“Jim. Jim, while what are you are proposing is sound, and is in fact a similar treatment to what Vulcan healers will do to him on New Vulcan, I... I do not think it is wise to restore his memories yet.”

Jim blinked.

“W... What? Spock, why not? He’s your brother!”

“Yes, but... Jim. When... when I had believed my brother to be dead, I spoke with the Ambassador. He... he informed me of what Sybok became in his timeline.”

“What he... what happened to the Ambassador’s Sybok?”

Spock swallowed, then told him how in the Ambassador’s timeline, Sybok became little more than a terrorist, leading a group that forcibly took over a city, brainwashing three ambassadors, commandeering the Enterprise-A, and nearly letting a malevolent entity take over the universe before sacrificing himself, all in a misguided quest to find God.

“I... wow, that’s... uh. Just. Wow.”

“Indeed. However, in this timeline, Sybok has not become the Vulcan who created such turmoil, but he still has the potential to become him. Should he regain his sense of self on this ship, he may attempt to repeat history in order to find God.”

“Spock... look, things are- things are already different in this timeline, aren’t they? Even for him, he... the Ambassador never mentioned the  _ v’tosh ka’tur,  _ did he? You can’t know that it would happen if his memories were restored.”

“It is still possible, Jim, and if Sybok were to resume his quest now, there is no guarantee that-!”

“Spock, he’s  _ going  _ to get his memories back one way or another.”

“Yes, but if he remembers when he is in the facility on New Vulcan, they will be able to help him, to... to keep him from becoming the Sybok of the Ambassador’s timeline. I cannot do that.”

“Spock...” Jim sighed, pressing his forehead against his boyfriend’s. “When you thought he was dead, you said that you regretted never saying you were sorry to your brother. That you wished you had the opportunity to take what you said back, to tell him that you didn’t hate him.”

“Jim?”

“If... if you help restore his memories, let him be himself again, then... then I don’t think he’d have any room to doubt how much you care about him.” He smiled up at him. “And if he does try to commandeer the ship? Well, that’s what the brig’s for.”

Spock swallowed, still looking unsure.

“I... I will consider it.”

Jim sighed, then kissed his boyfriend again.

“Alright. That’s all I’m asking of you.”

 

* * *

 

**2261.85**

In the past, Spock had often- facetiously- compared his brother to a headache, mainly to Michael, who had done the same thing. Sybok had always taken it in stride, saying he was the best kind of headache.

This was not the case here. In the past few hours, Sybok’s presence had quite literally become a constant throbbing in the back of his head, a side effect of his fraternal bond to his brother trying to reform with a man who had no idea who he was.

Which in itself was painful emotionally. As much as Spock had complained about his brother, there was one thing he had been certain of- Sybok loved him dearly, and did not care who knew it. He had, on more than one occasion, attempted to defend Spock and debate his bullies.

Of course, due to the fact that Sybok was an emotional creature by nature, he never won the arguments, at least in the eyes of Spock’s tormentors. That was usually when Michael came in, and she would often win due to the fact that she was rather ruthless in her logic.

Or, as Sybok would put it, “our sister is mean and scary and it’s  _ awesome.” _

In any case, even if Sybok was never successful in his attempts to debate Spock’s bullies, the fact that he tried even when he knew he would lose had always been a comfort to Spock, even if he could not understand it.

Or rather, he  _ did  _ understand, but it was not logical.

And now, it was the reason why Spock’s head and heart ached as he, his mate, and their child sat with the amnesiac Sybok at breakfast. 

He was rather amused to note one thing, though- even without his memories, his brother was inordinately fond of donuts.

“Why didn’t they have these on the colony?” Sybok asked before taking another bite of a strawberry donut. “I swear, if Garth had had these, he would have shut up!”

“Considering that former Captain Garth was suffering from delusions as a symptom of narcissistic personality disorder, specifically the fanatic variant, I doubt that donuts would have been an effective treatment.”

“Yeah, but you can’t talk if your mouth’s full of donut!” 

“I believe you are disproving your own theory.”

Sybok blinked, then swallowed, grinning sheepishly. Both Jim and Alice were giggling, and Spock was more than a little amused himself.

“I bet you’re happy to be leaving there though, huh, Mr. Max?” Alice asked. She had become aware of Sybok’s true identity almost immediately, asking Jim why the patient they had picked up looked so much like Spock, but had been instructed not to refer to Sybok with his true name as it may simply confuse and upset him.

Sybok swallowed, shrugging a bit.

“I guess so. I mean, I don’t really remember ever being anywhere but there, except...” His brother’s eyes became glassy as he trailed off, his hand hovering midway to his mouth with the last of the strawberry donut in it. 

“... Max...?” Jim prompted gently after a moment.

Sybok blinked, glancing between them and the donut briefly before chuckling nervously and setting it back down.

“Ah-heh, s... sorry, I... I thought about it again, and I... well, I really don’t like thinking about it.”

Spock’s throat tightened slightly. He did not know what had been done to Sybok in those five months before the asylum, but whatever it was...

Whatever it was must have been enough to break him.

“A-Anyway, uh... I can’t remember being anywhere else. It’s like...” He picked up a purple donut that was still whole. “It’s like the hole in a donut. Just like you can’t isolate the hole, I can’t-!”

The throbbing in Spock’s head worsened, and to his surprise Sybok actually flinched.

“Mr. Max?” 

_ Babe? Are you okay? What was that? _

“I... what the...?” Sybok shuddered. “Geez, that was weird, it was like... it was like I was saying something I’d said before...”

Spock’s throat tightened again, and he stood up.

“I apologize, there is something I need to attend to.”

_ Honey, what’s wrong? _

_ Not here. _

His mate looked concerned as he followed him out of the mess hall.

“Spock, what’s the matter?”

“I believe that the fraternal bond between Sybok and myself is attempting to repair itself due to our close proximity.”

Jim blinked.

“Uh... what?”

“As you know, a telepathic link that is severed without the help of an experienced healer can be restored through proximity between the two individuals. However, due to the fact that Sybok does not remember me or anything else from prior to eight months ago, the bond cannot properly repair itself.” Spock swallowed, unable to look his mate in the eye. “Because of this, being in close proximity to Sybok is causing me physical pain.”

Jim’s eyes widened, and Spock felt his concern coming through their bond.

“Sweetheart, this is... I know I told you that all I wanted you to do was think about melding with him, but if it’s actually causing you pain-!”

“I am able to handle the pain, though it seems that I will not be able to be in close contact with my brother, as our fractured bond attempting to repair itself causes him pain as well.”

“Spock,” Jim started, taking a step towards him and putting his hands on Spock’s chin. “Spock, honey, if it hurts- both physically and emotionally- then I really think you need to tell him the truth.”

“I...” Spock swallowed once more. “I cannot...”

_ Please tell me what’s wrong, sweetheart, I want to help. _

_... I am afraid. _

_ Afraid? Of what? _

_ I am afraid that... that if I restore his memories, and he remembers the last words I said to him before he was banished, he will... he will hate me. _

Jim’s eyes softened.

_ Spock... look, I can’t guarantee that he’ll be happy to see you, even though I really think he will be. And anyway, if it really is hurting him, isn’t it unfair to let him suffer without at least giving him the chance to get better? _

_ Jim... I-! _

Before Spock could complete his thought, the door to the mess hall opened, revealing a panicked Alice.

“Papa, Daddy! Something’s wrong with Mr. Max!”

Spock blinked, then walked back into the mess hall. His eyes went wide when he saw his brother with his head on the table, trembling and whispering. 

“Nononono, stop, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, forgive me please, I’m sorry, please don’t hurt me again...”

Spock swallowed hard, all but sprinting over to his brother.

_ “Sa-kai. Sa-kai,  _ you are safe,” Spock murmured. “No one is hurting you, you are safe here.”

Sybok didn’t seem to hear him, his fingers tangling into his hair and scratching at his scalp. Their fractured bond was burning in the back of Spock’s mind, and his head was throbbing unbearably.

“I’ll be good, I promise, don’t touch me, don’t make me, I’m sorry, I’m  _ sorry-!” _

Spock hated himself for it, but he couldn’t take the pain anymore- he brushed his brother’s hair away from his neck, pulling back the collar of his robe and pinching the nerve there. Sybok instantly went still, and the throbbing in his mind returned to a manageable level.

_ “Ni’droi’ik nar-tor,”  _ Spock said quietly as he picked his unconscious brother up.  _ “Bolau tu shom.” _

“Spock, what happened?” Jim asked when Spock exited the mess hall. 

“It appears that something caused my brother to have a panic attack. He was unresponsive, and began attempting to harm himself, and I was forced to subdue him.” Spock swallowed, glancing at his brother’s face before looking straight ahead. “I... I will take him to sick-bay and consult Drs. McCoy and M’Benga on further action.”

“Further action?”

“Whatever little memory my brother has left, it is clear that it is... unpleasant, to say the least, and remembering anything appears to cause him significant distress. It may be necessary to restore his memory at least partially, as to provide him some form of coping mechanism that does not involve...” Spock swallowed once more, then began walking. “As I said, I will need to consult Drs. McCoy and M’Benga on this matter.”

Jim didn’t say anything, but Spock was grateful for the encouragement he felt through their bond.

He was still... apprehensive about restoring Sybok’s memory, even to a small extent, but... if remembering anything caused him to break down and harm himself...

Then Spock would prefer he hated him than to let it go on.

Sybok would do the same for him.

 

* * *

 

Sybok remained unconscious for one point three seven hours before awakening with a groan.

_ “Nam’uh hayal,”  _ Spock instructed as his brother attempted to sit up, grabbing the glass by the biobed and putting it to Sybok’s lips.  _ “La masu.” _

Sybok drank the water obediently, gulping down approximately half of the glass before closing his mouth.

_ “Nemaiyo,”  _ Sybok murmured absently before blinking. “I... wait, what did I just...?”

“You thanked me in Vulcan. You also understood that I was instructing you to be calm and drink.”

“Oh... what happened?”

“I was hoping you would be able to inform me. My daughter has told me that you began hyperventilating shortly after my mate and I left the mess hall, then collapsed on the table and began whispering to yourself. I observed this for myself, as well as you attempting to harm yourself by scratching at your scalp repeatedly.”

Sybok blinked, then flushed, looking rather ashamed of himself.

“I... aw, geez, Mr. Spock, I’m sorry, I didn’t... I was just, the thing I said about donuts was  _ so familiar,  _ I thought if I pushed at it I’d be able to remember  _ something,  _ but I just... I just remembered what happened to me and... m’sorry you had to see that.” Sybok curled in on himself a bit. “Especially the scratching thing, I... I really thought I was past that one...”

“Past it?”

“First few weeks I was at the Elba II asylum, I... I kept thinking about what happened to me, kept... it’s stupid, but for some reason I thought that if I scratched at my head hard enough, I could... dig the memories out.” He snorted. “The nurse ended up putting bandages over my fingertips so I’d stop. Guess I still do it if I freak out enough, though.”

“Max...” Spock swallowed, then took a breath. “Max, there is a reason that you remembered the... the donut thing.”

Sybok blinked, looking back at him.

“There is?”

“Yes. When I was six, you used the same metaphor to explain the impossibility of proving a negative to me.”

Sybok blinked again, tilting his head.

“When... when you were six? I’m... I’m sorry, but... did you know me before...?”

Spock swallowed once more, tapping his fingers against his leg.

“I... I did, yes. I apologize, but there is something that I have kept from you- I have known your identity since the moment we met in the asylum.”

“Wait, really?” Sybok did not look at all upset that Spock had hidden this information from him- in fact, he seemed more excited at the prospect at finally knowing his own identity. “Well, that’s-! That’s great! Who am I?”

“Your name is S’Chn T’Gai Sybok. On stardate 2261.242, you will be thirty-seven years of age. Your mother was a  _ kolinahr  _ adept High Master named T’Rea, and your father was a diplomat named S’Chn T’Gai Sarek, who was also my father.”

Sybok blinked.

“Y... Your father? Wait, then... that means...” Sybok’s eyes were shining with an unknown emotion. “You’re my brother?”

“Indeed. You are my elder half-brother, and you are six years my senior-!”

“I have a brother!” Sybok cheered excitedly, all but launching himself at Spock and wrapping his arms around his neck. “I have a family, I can’t believe it!”

Spock blinked, then cleared his throat.

_ “Sa-kai,  _ please.”

“Eh? Oh!” Sybok was sheepish as he released Spock and settled back on the biobed. “Sorry, uh... Vulcans aren’t big on physical affection, right?”

“Indeed, although that would be fairly consistent with your regular behavior.”

“Really?”

“Yes. You chose to disregard the teachings of Surak, instead embracing emotion and...”

Sybok was staring at him blankly.

“Sybok, are you still listening?”

“Oh, yeah, I’m still, y’know,  _ present,  _ just... I’ve got no idea what you’re talking about.”

“Considering that you are still an amnesiac, this is understandable.” Spock cleared his throat, straightening slightly. “However... I may be able to remedy this somewhat.”

Sybok blinked, cocking his head to the side.

“Uh... how, exactly?”

“Vulcans are able to communicate telepathically with people they have mental links with, including their family members.”

“Uh... do we have a mental link?”

“We did, but when you lost your memory, our link was broken, as was your link with our mother and sister.”

“We have a sister? Wait, what about our father?”

Spock suppressed a flinch.

“... Our father passed away three years ago.”

Sybok’s face fell.

“Oh... were... were he and I close?”

“No. However, that is a conversation for another time. I have spoken with our ship’s Chief Medical Officer, and while he does not believe I should restore all of your memories, he does agree that restoring one positive memory from our childhood may help you cope.”

“And... you would do this how?”

“Through a mind-meld. I would enter your mind-!”

Sybok immediately drew back.

“Uh-uh, nope, bad idea, Spock.”

Spock blinked.

“Pardon?”

“Just... trust me, you... you  _ really  _ don’t want to see what’s going on in here. I don’t want to, and I live here.”

“Sybok... I would not actively be searching through your memories, I would be giving you one of mind. In addition, so long as you are shielding, I will be unable to see your memories.”

Sybok blinked.

“Sh... Shielding?”

“All you would need to do is concentrate on my presence and memory. I will do the same, as there are...” Spock fought back a flush, attempting not to think of Jim. “Well. There are things in my mind that, as my brother, it would be highly inappropriate for you to see.”

Sybok made a face.

“Yeah, I’m not too keen on seeing you making out with your boyfriend either, Spock.”

Spock could not stop himself from blushing this time.

“I-Indeed.” He cleared his throat, scooting closer to his brother. “It will not take long, and once the memory is in your mind, it may be easier for you to function until we reach New Vulcan.”

Sybok looked unsure, but sighed after a moment, scooting closer as well.

“If... if you really think it will help...”

Spock nodded, then placed his fingers on his brother’s meld points.

“My thoughts to your thoughts...”

_... _

_ Spock was seven point three years of age, and he was alone in Vulcan’s Forge. The sun was setting, and it was getting cold. He had yet to find any food, and he was quite thirsty. _

_ He was also quite lost. He had never been this far into the Forge, or this far from home without an adult or his siblings. _

_But he had been challenged to do this. Though the kahs-wan_ _was no longer a ritual performed on Vulcan, his classmates had dared him to undertake it, stating that he would not because his half-Human heritage made him a coward._

_ Spock was not a coward. He was a Vulcan. He would survive out here on his own, and he would return victorious. _

_ Or he would be eaten by a le-matya, but such would be fate.  _

_ His stomach growled, and he grimaced before returning to proper stoicism. Vulcans his age had survived here for centuries before, and he would do so now, all on his own-! _

_ “Spock!” _

_ Spock blinked, turning around and arching an eyebrow when he saw his elder sister and brother dismounting from their places on I-Chaya’s back. Michael looked rather cross, and Sybok-! _

_ Spock did not have enough time to comprehend that his brother was running towards him before Sybok had hoisted him into the air and hugged him. _

_ “Thank heavens you’re okay! You didn’t come in for dinner and Amanda started getting worried and then Father said you were shielding him and you were shielding us too and I-Chaya kept trying to lead us to the desert so we finally started following him and I think we’ve been looking for hours so our parents are probably really mad at all of us now-!” _

_ “Sybok, please put me down.” _

_ Sybok did so, but he did not stop talking. _

_ “And why did you even come out this far all by yourself it’s dangerous you’re only seven-!” _

_ “I am the proper age to undertake the kahs-wan.” _

_ Both Sybok and Michael blinked. _

_ “The... the kahs-wan?” Sybok asked. “Spock, the kahs-wan has not been a required ritual for over a century.” _

_ “I am aware. However, my classmates challenged me to undertake it to prove that I am Vulcan.” He folded his hands behind his back. “Now, please leave me be. I must be alone in order to fulfill the requirements of this ritual.” _

_ “Like  _ hell  _ we’re leaving you out here by yourself!” Michael snapped. _

_ “I won’t tell Amanda you cursed,” Sybok said solemnly. _

_ “Thank you, Sybok. Spock, we’re not leaving you in a desert without food, water, shelter, or weapons!” _

_ “But you must.” _

_ “We must not!” Sybok countered. “You have absolutely nothing to prove to those bullies, Spock-!” _

_ “Yes I do. I must prove that I am Vulcan, for although that is the truth, they refuse to believe it. And I would think you would be pleased if they were to accept me.” _

_ Sybok and Michael exchanged a look. _

_ “Spock... of course we would be pleased if they were to stop tormenting you, but this is not the way to prove yourself to them,” Michael said softly. _

_ “I have already attempted to prove my worth through superior logic and academics.” Spock frowned, turning his gaze to the ground. “And as my fine motor skills leave something to be desired, I am unable to prove my worth through athletics.” _

_ “Spock, that’s not your fault-!” _

_ “I am Vulcan. Superior muscle control is a trait that is intrinsic to our species, yet I am unable to exhibit it. As such, the kahs-wan is the only avenue I have left to prove my worth to them, thus forcing them to accept me as Vulcan and end their torment of me. This would also cause your peers to end their torment of you for defending me.” _

_ Both of his siblings looked stricken. _

_ “What? Spock, what are you talking about? Sure, Michael and I both get picked on a lot-!” _

_ “You are picked on because you reject the teachings of Surak, and Michael is picked on because she is Human. I am aware that these things are not my fault. However, it  _ is  _ my fault that you are tormented for defending my... my inability to control my emotions and movements properly. Since I do not wish for you to be mocked because of me, and you both have refused to stop your defense of me, I have no choice but to do this.” He turned away from his siblings. “Please inform Mother and Father that I will return in ten days’ time. If I do not, please apologize on my behalf for failing-!” _

_ “Spock, we are  _ not  _ leaving you here,” Michael stated sternly as she grabbed his arm and started dragging him back towards I-Chaya. “We’re taking you home, and you’re going to tell Amanda and Sarek about this-!” _

_ “I will do no such thing!” Spock protested, trying to pry her fingers off of his arm. He succeeded, but promptly lost his balance and landed on his posterior, crying out in pain. _

_ “Oh, Spock.” Sybok sighed quietly, walking over to him and offering his sleeve. “Here, let me help-!” _

_ “No!” Spock shouted, batting his arm away before getting to his feet on his own. “Leave me alone! I must do this!” _

_ “No, you mustn’t!” Michael said, looking increasingly upset with him. “You are seven years old, and you must come home and apologize to our parents for worrying them-!” _

_ “I refuse to let you suffer on my behalf!” Spock all but screamed, unable to keep control over his emotions any longer. “I do not understand why you insist on defending me when it clearly causes your lives to be more difficult! I am tired of being a burden, and I am tired of being seen as less of a Vulcan, and I am most tired of seeing you be mocked and ostracized for my sake!” _

_ Michael and Sybok were both staring at him as he calmed down, unable to stop himself from panting or his fists from shaking. His eyes were burning, and it was with no small amount of shame that Spock realized he was crying. He flushed, wiping at his eyes and turning away. _

_ “I... I apologize for my outburst. However, I meant what I said. It is illogical for you to keep defending at the cost of your own reputation. Please allow me to prove my own worth, so that you will no longer-!” _

_ Two pairs of arms suddenly grabbed him from behind, pulling him between a warm body and a body as cool as his own. Spock blinked, looking up to find that his siblings had pulled him into an embrace. _

_ “Spock... Spock, you don’t have to do this for us,” Sybok told him. “We don’t care about being ostracized for you- for one, we’re both ostracized anyway.” _

_ “It would be far worse if you were tormented with no one to defend you. It is worth being mocked if it is for your sake,” Michael added. _

_ “I... I do not understand. Why would you insist on doing something that only makes you appear to be less to others for my sake?” _

_ His siblings smiled down at him. _

_ “Because we love you, Spock,” Sybok told him. _

_ Spock blinked once, then twice, then three times before his vision blurred with tears. He was unable to stop himself from crying, and the affection that came from his bonds with his siblings only made it harder. _

_ Then the whispers started. _

_ Spock blinked, hiccuping as he looked around. He saw no one else, and this was not the way he remembered this memory continuing. _

_ “Oh, no... no, no, nonono, stop...” _

_ He blinked once more, turning to Sybok. His brother had a panicked expression on his face as he released Spock from his arms, shaking his head as he stumbled back. _

_ “Sybok? What is wrong?” _

_ “No, no, you can’t... stay back, he can’t see this, please!” Sybok reached up, grabbing his hair and tugging at it. “I don’t want him to know, he, he can’t know, stay in my head where you belong!” _

_ Michael suddenly disappeared, and the Forge began to shake.  _

_ “Sybok, what is happening?” Spock tried, a sense of panic he was sure wasn’t his own rising up in his chest. _

_ “I-!” Sybok froze, turning and looking at the canyon in front of them. “Oh, no...” _

_ Spock turned, his own eyes widening when he saw a black, inky mass filling the canyon and flowing towards them.  _

_ “Sybok-?” _

_ “Spock, you have to get out now! Right now, please, I don’t want-! I’m sorry, I’m so sorry, you need to-!” _

_ The darkness engulfed them both before Sybok could finish his statement. _

 

* * *

 

It felt like something exploded in the back of Jim’s head. He cried out, dropping the PADD he was holding in his lap. 

_ Spock. _

His heart started pounding, his lips parting.

Something was wrong with Spock. Spock was hurting, he was in  _ pain.  _

“Sulu, you have the conn!” He ordered as he burst out of his chair, running for the turbolift before someone could question him. 

It felt as though the turbolift was being deliberately slow as it made its way to the medbay, and Jim nearly ran into some poor ensign as he dashed out of it.

“Sorry!” He called just before he ran into the medbay. “Spock-!”

He blinked, trying to take in the scene before him. Both Spock and Sybok were now in biobeds, completely knocked out. Chapel was standing next to Sybok with an emptied hypo in her hand, and Bones was holding a mop and standing in front of a dubious-looking bunch of green slop on the floor near Sybok’s bed.

“What... what happened in here?”

Bones sighed as he started mopping up the mess.

“Well, I let your boyfriend meld with his brother so he could give him a good memory to hold onto and restore their bond or... whatever that Vulcan mumbo jumbo is. It looked to be going fine, but suddenly the hobgoblin freaked out, broke away, and turned bright green before emptying his guts all over the floor and passing out. Meanwhile, the goblin started hyperventilating and scratching his scalp, and we ended up having to sedate him before he did any real damage. Then you burst in here, and here we are.”

“Do you have any idea what happened?”

“How should I know? The only two people involved are both unconscious.” Bones grimaced as he finished mopping up the vomit on the floor. “Also, whatever your boyfriend ate for breakfast? It  _ stinks to high heaven  _ on this end.”

Jim didn’t respond to that, instead walking over to Spock’s bed and brushing some hair out of his eyes. Spock stirred slightly, his eyes opening slowly a moment later.

“... Jim...?”

“Hey, there. You feeling okay?”

“I... I am...” Spock’s eyes widened, and he sat up. “Sybok, where is-?”

“He’s okay,” Jim told him, putting a hand on Spock’s arm. “He’s okay, he’s unconscious right now, they... they had to sedate him so he wouldn’t...”

Spock swallowed, and Jim felt a rush of guilt from him.

“Hey, hey, come on. Spock, that’s not your fault-!”

“My purpose in melding with my brother in the first place was to give him a positive memory to latch onto, so that he would hold onto that instead of self-harming. Instead, I caused him to panic and...” Spock trailed off, going stone faced as he got out of the biobed.

“Hey, now where do you think you’re going?” Bones asked. “You just upchucked everything in your belly and passed out, you’re in no condition to-!”

“Thank you for your concern, Dr. McCoy, but I am perfectly fine. My... my reaction was to what I saw in Sybok’s mind.”

“What you saw in... Spock, what did you see?”

Spock hesitated, glancing at Sybok’s sleeping form before staring straight ahead, not meeting Jim’s eyes.

“I do not believe it would be wise to tell you. Dr. McCoy, have you read the report Dr. Cory gave you on my brother?”

“Not yet, why?”

“Once you do, I believe you will agree with my assessment.” Spock started walking towards the doors to the medbay. “If you will excuse me, I have some arrangements to make for Sybok’s arrival on New Vulcan.”

He was out of the medbay before Jim could protest.

 

* * *

 

When Jim entered Spock’s quarters (which were basically their quarters at this point), his boyfriend was signing off a video call with the  _ ta’al. _

“Who were you talking to?” Jim asked, trying to keep from bombarding him with more questions.

“Elder T’Pau. She agreed to nullify Sybok’s banishment from Vulcan society on the basis that he is currently an amnesiac and will require years of therapy due to the trauma he has suffered, meaning he is unlikely to resume his former activities anytime soon, if ever. She is also arranging for a  _ kolinahr  _ adept to perform the neural reconnection process, as he is unable to properly shield others from his memories when he becomes overly emotional, and the nature of those memories would be intensely disturbing to anyone who is capable of emotion.”

“Yeah, no kidding. Bones took a look at the report Dr. Cory sent him, and you know what he did after? Walked right out of his office and asked me to make Chapel the temporary CMO so he could down a whole bottle of bourbon.” Jim frowned. “I almost did it, guy looked like he’d been in a war zone. What was in that report?”

Spock didn’t get up from his desk, instead picking up his PADD.

“If I were to tell you,  _ ashayam,  _ you too would most likely wish to consume an entire bottle of bourbon. It is for the best that you do not know.”

“Spock. Whatever you saw in his head was bad enough to make you vomit and pass out.” Jim walked over to him, putting a hand on his boyfriend’s shoulder. “And you know my past. I’m not exactly trauma-free myself. I’m sure I can handle it.”

“Jim... it is...” Spock sighed. “I did not see all of it- Sybok’s mind is a mess of emotions and fear that I am not nearly prepared enough to navigate. However, what I did see was that... that Sybok was sold into slavery.”

Jim blinked.

“S... Slavery?”

“After the destruction of Vulcan, our race became an endangered species. As a result, we... we became a commodity on the black market, mainly due to our rarity. However, that is... that is not the most traumatic thing I saw in my brother’s memories.”

“It wasn’t?”

“No. I saw... I do not wish to elaborate, but I hope you will understand what I mean when I tell you that Sybok was sold into a particular  _ type  _ of slavery.”

Jim blinked, then furrowed his brow, thinking it over for a moment before it finally came to him. His eyes widened as his stomach turned.

“Y... You don’t mean...?”

“Unfortunately, I do. That is what I saw in my brother’s mind.”

“Good  _ god,  _ no wonder you threw up!” Jim turned Spock’s chair, wrapping his arms around his boyfriend. “Spock, I’m  _ so  _ sorry, I-! I had no idea that what your brother went through was something so... so...”

“It is not your fault, Jim. Sybok attempted to refuse my offer to share the memory, and I convinced him that he would not show me anything so long as he shielded his mind from mine.” Spock sighed. “I had forgotten that my brother is highly susceptible to emotional outbursts, and in his fragile mental state, he was unable to handle the emotional nature of the memory I showed him.”

“Spock... it’s not your fault, either. And, and it’s not Sybok’s fault, it’s... god, no wonder he did that to those people.”

“Indeed.” Spock’s eyes were dark and hard. “Now that I have recovered from the shock somewhat, I find that I... I am glad that they have already been punished for their actions. I do not know if I would be able to...”

Jim smiled softly, kissing Spock’s forehead. 

“It’s okay, baby. But... you really should talk to him. He probably feels awful about what happened.”

“It is not his fault.”

“I know but...” Jim smiled sadly. “Well, it’s... it’s hard not to blame yourself when something traumatic happens to you. Trust me on that.”

_ “Ashayam...”  _ Spock sighed, then nodded. “I will speak with him once he awakens.”

“Good. Now, uh, do me a favor?”

“Yes?”

“Can we cuddle for like, an hour? I feel like I should hold you for a little while.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward.

“That would be acceptable.”

 

* * *

 

The arboretum was empty save for Sybok when Spock entered. His brother looked up, then promptly flinched and went back to staring at a gathering of hydrangeas.

“Doc told you where I went, huh?”

“He did not. I guessed based on my prior knowledge of you that you would most likely seek out an area with many plants for comfort,” Spock explained as he walked over to his brother. “You stated a fondness for them when we were children.”

“Huh. So that’s not new, then.”

“Indeed.”

They both were silent for a moment after Spock sat down. Sybok had curled up into a ball and was rocking slightly. Spock was bouncing his leg a bit.

“... M’sorry,” Sybok started. “The... the memory you showed me was really nice, I just... I got lost in it, in how you felt when Michael and I told you we loved you, and... and I couldn’t keep the shields up.”

“It is not your fault. Considering the nature of the trauma you suffered, it is impressive that you were able to maintain your shields as long as you did.”

Sybok groaned, leaning his head on his knees.

“I’m still sorry. You... you didn’t need to see that...”

“While I cannot say that I enjoy knowing what is it that you went through, especially from a first-person perspective, I still do not blame you. When I say that it is not your fault, I mean that none of it is your fault.”

Sybok laughed humorlessly.

“That’s what they tell me, but it’s... it’s hard to believe it, y’know? I mean, I’m... I’m a grown man, aren’t I? I, I should’ve been able to... to fight them off...”

“It is illogical to blame yourself in any way for this, Sybok. Assault is, by its very nature, a transitive verb, and cannot be the fault of the victim.”

“Doesn’t matter, really... how am I s’posed to ever have a normal life now? To act like nothing ever happened?”

“You cannot. This experience will force you to adapt. You are no longer the same person, and the course of your life will change as a result. Where that new course leads is up to you.”

Sybok’s eyes were dewey when he finally glanced over at Spock, his ears drooping slightly. 

“I... I know you said that Vulcans aren’t big on hugs, but... I could really use one.”

Spock looked at his brother for a moment, then smiled a bit, leaning in and putting his arms around Sybok for just a moment. His brother simply leaned his head on his shoulder, sniffling when it was over.

“I request that you not inform Michael or our mother of that,” Spock stated. Sybok laughed, shaking his head.

They were both silent for another moment.

“... Hey, Spock?”

“Yes?”

“How does that memory you showed me end? The right way, I mean.”

Spock blinked, then smiled a bit.

“I continued crying for approximately ten minutes. You then shared a bottle of water you had brought along with me, for which I was grateful, and then we rode home on I-Chaya’s back. It was quite late by the time we arrived home, and our mother cried when she saw us.” His lips quirked a bit. “We were all grounded for a week.”

“What? Why did Michael and I get grounded, you were the one who ran away!”

“Our parents were not going to ground you, but you and Michael insisted on being grounded in ‘solidarity.’ I did not understand why, but I was grateful for it.”

Sybok laughed, shaking his head.

“Seems like we were close, huh?”

Spock felt a twinge of guilt, his stomach twisting slightly.

“... When I was very young, yes. However, as I grew older, and after Michael left to join Starfleet, we... we grew apart.”

Sybok blinked.

“What? Why?”

“I... when I was twelve and you were eighteen, you revived a group known as the  _ v’tosh ka’tur,  _ or Vulcans without logic. You believed that the way to enlightenment was to embrace emotion rather than control it, and were... very vocal about it. Eventually, one of your followers broke into a sacred temple and violated the mind of a Watcher, and for that, all of you were banished.”

“What, cause one guy screwed up?”

“To be fair, he was your second-in-command, and he claimed that you told him to do so, though you disputed that charge.” Spock glanced at his brother. “Given what I know about you, it is likely that he was acting on his own, but at the time... I was thirteen years of age at that time, and I was... my peers began being even more cruel to me due to your actions, and I... I blamed you.”

Sybok said nothing, so Spock simply kept speaking.

“When... when you were banished, I... I was still angry with you. I have... I have always had trouble controlling my emotions, to the point that I... I perhaps suppress them too thoroughly, but at that age, I was... I was even less in control of my emotions, and I was so angry at you that I... the last words I said to you were hateful. I told you to leave and never return, and... and that you were no longer my brother.”

His brother still did not speak.

“I have regretted those words since the moment you were gone. For years and years, I... I secretly hoped that we would meet once more, that I would have the chance to apologize and take them back. Then...” Spock swallowed, willing his eyes to stop stinging. “Eight months ago, our bond was shattered, and I... I believed that you had died. That I would never have the chance to tell you that I am... I...”

Sybok put his hand on his shoulder, and Spock looked up at him, his eyes wide and his vision blurred with tears.

Even so, he could still see that his brother was smiling at him gently.

“It’s okay. It’s okay, Spock, I... I forgive you. I... I don’t know why, but...” Sybok laughed a little. “I know it sounds silly, considering that I can’t remember anything, but I feel like I was never really mad at you for that.”

Spock blinked, then felt even more tears well up behind his eyes.

And, well, if Spock hugged his older brother for the first time since he was seven and they were both in Vulcan’s Forge...

He was sure the plants would not tell anyone.

 

* * *

 

**2261.89**

It was early in the morning when they beamed down to the facility on New Vulcan. The planet hadn’t gotten any cooler since the last time they’d been there, though that may also have been because the last time Jim was here, he’d spent the trip wrestling his soulmate in the dirt.

_ I assure you, t’hy’la, I do not believe we will be wrestling on this particular outing. _

_ In the dirt, maybe. _

Spock did the mental equivalent of giving Jim a look, and Jim did the mental equivalent of sticking his tongue out at him.

“Oh!” Alice pointed out into the distance. “Papa, Uncle Sybok! I see your mommy!”

Sybok went ramrod straight, fisting his hands in his robes as Amanda ran towards them.

_ “Sa-kai, _ I have told you, you and our mother were always quite close.”

“I-I know, but that... that was before, what if she doesn’t...”

Sybok trailed off as Amanda arrived in front of them, staying silent as she caught her breath. After a moment, she looked up, her eyes wide and misty.

“U-Um...” Sybok started, smiling nervously. “H... Hi. Y-You’re... you’re my step-mom, right? Or, or really, just my mom, I think-!”

Amanda suddenly let out a sob, lunging forward and tackling Sybok in a hug. Sybok stumbled back, but caught his balance after a second, staying still for a moment before hugging her back and sobbing himself.

“I... I’m sorry...”

“No, no, don’t... d-don’t be sorry, sweetheart, I’m...” Amanda let out a wet laugh. “I’m just so glad that you’re okay...”

“Eh-heh, w-well, uh... o-okay is kinda relative, I think...”

Amanda laughed again, shaking her head as she finally let Sybok go.

“I’m glad that you’re  _ safe,  _ then. I-I thought I’d never see you again...”

“W-Well, um, I kinda forgot you existed, so I guess we’re even...”

She laughed one more, shaking her head.

“You haven’t changed at all, Sybok.”

Sybok winced.

“I... I kinda hope I have. Except for the memory Spock showed me about when he was seven and tried to do the  _ kahs-wan,  _ the memories I’ve got are... not pleasant.”

Amanda blinked, then gave Spock a look.

“It is a pleasant memory with my siblings, Mother,” Spock stated.

“You were all grounded for a week after.”

“You were not going to ground Sybok and Michael until they insisted upon it as an act of solidarity. That is part of what made it pleasant.”

Amanda rolled her eyes, but she was still smiling.

“Grandma? What’s a  _ kahs-wan?” _

“It’s a silly, outdated ritual for little Vulcans. It’s... it’s kind of like camping.”

“Oh.” Alice made a face. “I hate camping.”

“What? Alice, you’re a Kirk! We’re farm folk!”

_ “You’re  _ farm folk, Daddy, I’ve spent most of my life in a big city or on a starship!”

Jim groaned over-dramatically.

“Oh, my dear, sweet daughter, how could I have failed you so?”

Alice rolled her eyes.

“Daddy, you better not be so silly when we talk to Ms. Elder T’Pau.”

“Elder T’Pau?” Amanda asked.

“Since we are on New Vulcan, it seems now would be the best time to have my paternal bond with Alice formally documented,” Spock informed her.

Amanda’s eyes widened and started to shine as she smiled.

“Oh, Spock, that’s wonderful! I’m so happy for you!” Her smile suddenly turned knowing. “Is... that the  _ only  _ bond you’re going to have formalized?”

Jim blinked, then felt himself turn red from head to toe.

“Uh! Um, that’s, uh...” He laughed nervously. “I-I think that, that if I didn’t invite my own mother to my wedding, she, she might be pretty mad...”

“I-Indeed,” Spock stated, his own face looking green. “And if Michael was not invited to the ceremony, she, she would also not be pleased...”

“Y-Yeah, and, well, I don’t think we’ve got time to, to plan anything...”

“Aren’t you guys like, soulmates or something?” Sybok commented. “I may be an amnesiac, but I’m pretty sure I heard something about that kind of bond basically being a marriage on its own-!”

“Grandma, Uncle Sybok,” Alice interrupted gently. “Daddy and Papa aren’t ready to get fancy-married yet.”

Amanda and Sybok both blinked, then went “ohhhh.”

“Ah, I see.” Amanda was still smiling knowingly. “Well, there’s plenty of time for that later, I suppose.”

Jim laughed nervously again as Amanda looped her arm with Sybok’s, waving goodbye as she led him into the facility. He cleared his throat, not quite able to meet his boyfriend’s eyes.

“Well, uh, shall we?”

“We shall,” Spock responded, not looking at Jim either.

Jim took out his comm, telling them to beam them over to the Vulcan High Council building. T’Pau was waiting for them when they arrived, eyebrow arched inquisitively.

“Captain Kirk. It seems you live after all.”

Jim blinked, then smiled sheepishly.

“I... y-yeah, uh, sorry about that. It, it was my CMO’s idea, I didn’t even know what was in that hypo he gave me.”

“So it seems.” T’Pau looked down at Alice. “And this small one is your child, I assume?”

“Um, yes, this- this is Alice.”

Alice bowed.

_ “T’nar pak sorat y’rani.” _

_ “T’nar jaral.  _ Your pronunciation is very good.”

“I am honored by your praise. My  _ sa-mekh  _ has been teaching me the Vulcan language since I was four Terran years of age.”

“I see. Well done, Spock.”

“I am honored by your praise, Lady T’Pau.”

Jim frowned.

_ Buttercup, what’s with the formal Vulcan-ness? _

_ Papa said that I should be very, very formal with Ms. Lady T’Pau. _

_ What? Spock... _

_ As T’Pau is one of the most honored members of Vulcan society, any deviation from the norm in her presence could be seen as a great offense.  _

Jim resisted the urge to roll his eyes.

“Young Alice. I will need to meld with you in order to confirm the presence of your bond with Spock.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

T’Pau knelt slightly, putting her hands on Alice’s meld points and closing her eyes.

_ Geez, I’m glad that T’Pau wasn’t upset about us tricking her. _

_ Vulcans do not get upset, t’hy’la, and one such as Lady T’Pau especially. _

_ Oh, please. Still, this is a lot less awkward than the last time I saw her, considering I spent most of that trip hard as a rock. _

_ Indeed. _

_ Yeah, that was really embarrassing. I’m really glad you didn’t find out til we melded on the Enterprise-B. _

Spock’s thoughts suddenly went silent, and Jim felt his heart stop.

_ Spock. You didn’t know. Right? _

_... While I am not able to recall much of what occurred while I was in the midst of my plak tow, due to the light meld we shared, I was aware that you were aroused during our combat. _

_ Wh-?! You knew the whole time?! _

_ Forgive me, ashayam, I... I had thought bringing it up would simply embarrass you. _

_ I’m embarrassed  _ now!  _ I can’t believe you knew the-! Wait. If you knew that I got hard while we were fighting, why did you think I didn’t like you back? _

_ I also sensed that you were experiencing a rush of adrenaline, and assumed that that, combined with our close physical contact, caused your body to react in a manner that it normally wouldn’t. I... I had no such excuse. _

Jim blinked, then looked over at his boyfriend. Spock was looking away, but he could see that the tips of his ears were bright green.

_ Spock, you were literally in heat. You couldn’t help it. _

_ I was in a state of hormonal upheaval, yes, but I... I also wanted you quite desperately. Had T’Pring chosen anyone else as her champion, I doubt my body would have reacted in such a way. _

Jim’s lips quirked upward.

_ Aw, Spock... now I kinda can’t wait til it happens again in six years. _

He felt a wave of embarrassment (and arousal) from Spock. Before Spock could say anything, though, T’Pau straightened.

“Your bond with your daughter is strong, Spock. I welcome thee to the House of S’Chn, Family of T’Gai, Alice Georgina T’Vaakis Kirk.”

Alice bowed again.

“I am honored, Lady T’Pau.”

T’Pau nodded, then looked up at Jim and Spock.

“Now, then. I have been informed that you two are  _ t’hy’lara.” _

Jim couldn’t help the squawk that escaped his throat, though considering that his boyfriend did the mental equivalent of that he probably didn’t have room to talk.

“I... who, who informed you of this?”

“It was thy mother, the Lady Amanda Grayson.”

Dammit, Amanda.

T’Pau bowed to them.

“It is a great honor to be in the presence of two so perfectly aligned as to form the most sacred of bonds, especially in this time of desolation for our people.”

Jim blinked, then blushed a little, grinning sheepishly.

“Ah-heh, well, uh... thank you, Lady T’Pau.”

“Captain Kirk, I should inform thee. Due to the bond you share with Spock, by Vulcan law you would already be considered wed. However, it is still necessary to perform the bonding ceremony, even if it is only a formality at this point. If it pleases you, I am able to perform the ceremony here and now.”

Jim blinked again, then blushed even more, letting out a panicked little laugh.

“Uh, um, that’s-! That’s, that’s very kind of you, ma’am, but, uh, we- we don’t really have time to do a whole wedding right now.”

“Yes, we- we must return to the ship immediately after we confirm that my brother’s memories have been restored,” Spock added.

T’Pau arched an eyebrow.

“The process takes but a moment. It will not add any significant delay to your return to your ship.”

Jim’s thoughts had devolved into him thinking “oh god” over and over again. Spock had reverted to only thinking in Vulcan, and Jim only caught the words “ready” and “no.”

“Lady T’Pau?” Alice piped up after a moment. “Your offer is very generous, but my parents are not currently prepared to undertake such a formal bonding. While they are  _ t’hy’lara,  _ and therefore married according to Vulcan law, for Humans marriage is a much more complicated affair. It is customary to court for a year prior to engagement, and the actual ceremony involves the presence of family members and friends. Since both of my fathers’ families are currently otherwise occupied, and their friends would express shock at the sudden nature of it, getting married now would be considered extremely rude by Human standards.”

“Ah, I see. My apologies, then.”

Jim let out a sigh of relief.

_ Buttercup, I owe you one. _

_ I will accept payment in strawberry donuts. _

_ Absolutely not. _

_ Aw... _

 

* * *

 

Spock could not help the wave of anxiety he felt upon entering the facility and seeing his mother and brother speaking with a doctor.

_ It’s fine, honey. Your brother loves you, remember? _

_ I am aware, but... I still have not seen him as himself for so long... _

His mate surreptitiously pressed two fingers to Spock’s.

_ He loves you. It’s going to be okay. _

Spock’s lips twitched upward, and he took a small breath before walking over to his brother.

“Sybok. How are you faring?”

To Spock’s surprise, his brother flinched, looking up at Spock with guilt in his eyes.

He also did not seem to recognize him anymore than he had when he entered the facility this morning. Spock blinked, turning to the doctor.

“What has happened? Why have his memories not been restored?”

“The assumption that his memories were lost as a result of trauma has turned out to be false,” the doctor answered. “It is not that Sybok’s memories were blocked within his mind- it is that they are  _ gone.” _

Spock blinked once more, then felt his heart sink.

“Gone? That is not possible.”

“It appears that his memories were artificially wiped prior to his trauma. Because telepathic bonds have a large basis in memory, when the memories were erased, the bonds shattered due to having nothing to be rooted in. While there may still be a possibility to restore some of his memories, it is not possible to restore all of them, and even then, it will not be possible to do so until the trauma has been resolved.”

“That could take months!” His mother argued.

“If we were to attempt to restore any memories now, it is likely that Sybok’s mind would react by bringing what memories he  _ does  _ have to the forefront, which would then force him to relive his trauma and cause further psychological damage. Due to the nature of the trauma he suffered, and considering that Sybok will soon be thirty-seven years of age, it is imperative that his trauma is resolved sooner rather than later, since his...”

The doctor stopped, glancing over at Jim.

“Doctor, Jim is my mate, he is aware of the realities of Vulcan biology-!”

Jim suddenly let out a panicked little laugh.

“Ah-hah, yeah, but our  _ seven-year-old  _ isn’t!” Jim said quickly as he picked Alice. “I’m just gonna take her over there so I don’t have to have that conversation yet, thanks!”

“Daddy, what are you talking about? What does biology have to do with anything?”

“Ah-hah, nope, nope, not telling you yet, you’re still seven and innocent!”

“Daddy!”

Spock resisted the urge to roll his eyes as his mate carried their child away.

“Continue, doctor.”

“Very well. Because Sybok is nearing his Time, his trauma must be dealt with first.”

“Really would have liked to know that one beforehand, Spock,” Sybok muttered. “Is, is there any other way to resolve it?”

“There has been one instance. Last year, when your brother entered  _ pon farr-!” _

“Wait, what? Spock, I thought you were younger than me.”

Spock flushed.

“I am, however, my Time came early due to the decimation of our race. Doctor, I am not entirely certain that the method used to end my Time would work for my brother. He is a devout pacifist, and in any case, I am not... I am not entirely certain that the end came about through combat alone.”

All three of the others looked at him with confusion, and Spock flushed further.

“Clarify,” the doctor stated.

“The... while my Time did end at the conclusion of combat, it is... the one that my former betrothed, T’Pring, chose as her champion was my  _ t’hy’la.” _

“Okay,  _ what?  _ Spock, why didn’t you tell me that?”

“I-!”

“And don’t say it wasn’t relevant, because it  _ is!” _

Spock swallowed, flushing even further.

“V... Very well. I did not tell you because... because the entire incident was rather shameful, mainly because... the roots of my bond with Jim were planted by accident during combat.” His ears were burning. “I do not wish to elaborate further.”

“Please don’t,” Sybok agreed before clapping his hands. “Okay, so, uh, wrestling in the dirt with someone is not a good way to end a  _ pon farr.  _ Anything else? Taking all suggestions here!”

“There has been some credence to intensive meditation as a method of resolving the  _ pon farr,  _ but it is inconclusive,” the doctor stated. “However, I still believe that it is possible to end one’s  _ pon farr  _ through combat, as the method was tested several times with other Vulcans after Spock’s case, and each incident ended with no fatalities.”

Spock frowned, glancing at his brother.

“It may be the best course of action for you, Sybok.”

Sybok swallowed, wrapping his arms around himself and rubbing them.

“I... I think I’d like to go home now, please...”

“Very well. Lady Amanda, Sybok shall be released into your care. Please follow me.”

“Of course,” their mother responded, looking between them before following the doctor to an office.

“... m’sorry,” Sybok murmured.

“It is not your fault. Your memories were most likely wiped in order to make you untraceable-!”

“S-Spock, please, I... I really don’t want to talk about that.” He looked up. “I’m sorry that I still don’t remember you, though. I was looking forward to it, and I know you were too...”

“I was, but it cannot be helped. You may end up remembering our childhood, or you may not, but you will still be my brother either way. What is important now is that you will be able to properly work through your trauma.”

Sybok grimaced.

“Do I really have to... y’know? I’m, I’m not sure I could...”

“We will find a way, Sybok. You will get through this, but for now, you must focus on resolving your trauma.”

Sybok still looked nervous, but he was smiling when he looked up at Spock.

“I... I hope you’re right. Well, you probably are. I feel like you’ve always been smarter than me...”

Spock’s lips quirked upward.

“From a certain point of view.”

Sybok laughed, and Spock could not stop himself from chuckling.

He had almost forgotten what it was like to have a brother.

He was glad to have one again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry this chapter's late, guys, it... it was a harder one to write than expected. Both cause of the themes and because I wanted to try and be as accurate as possible with depicting Sybok's mental state, which I eventually decided on as being defined by complex post traumatic stress disorder, as well as a variant of histrionic personality disorder. I hope I did okay, although if I fucked something up, please let me know!
> 
> Also, while I know that the TAS episode Spock's kahs-wan appeared in was made before Sybok and Michael were even invented, ya can't tell me they wouldn't be out looking for their wayward brother to drag him back home.
> 
> Guest Starring:  
> "Max"/S'Chn T'Gai Sybok- Michael C. Hall (which means we're two out of three for Sarek's kids having actors who have also played serial killers, unless I missed something in Sonequa's IMDB page. Also, their height order is the opposite of their birth order and I find that SUPER amusing)  
> Dr. Cory- Masi Oka  
> Garth- Liam Neeson  
> Marta- Margot Robbie
> 
> Vulcan to English-  
> Bolau tu shom- You need to rest  
> Nam'uh hayal- Calm down  
> La masu- Drink this  
> Nemaiyo- Thank you  
> T'nar jaral- formal reply to formal greeting
> 
> That's it for this chapter! I'm moving the last chapter of season 3 to next week, which will include "Requiem for Methuselah," "The Way to Eden," and an original plot involving some easier amnesia to finish it out. This will be followed by Beyond, and then the epilogue! Thank you all for sticking with me this far! 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!


	11. Chapter 11

**2261.147**

Jim sighed as he walked into his quarters, plopping down in a chair before grabbing his log recorder.

“Captain’s Log, stardate 2261.147. The Enterprise is in the grip of a raging epidemic. Three crewman have died, and twenty-three others have been struck down by Rigellian fever. In order to combat the illness, Dr. McCoy needs large quantities of ryetalyn, which, despite the name, has no relation to the medication I took as a kid. It is, however, the only known antidote for the fever. Our sensors have picked up sufficient quantities of pure ryetalyn on a smaller planet in the Omega system. Once we arrive in about... thirty minutes, we’ll be beaming down to secure this urgently needed material.”

Jim ended the log just as the doors to his quarters opened, revealing Spock. He smiled, getting out of the chair and walking over to him.

However, while Jim was puckering his lips for a kiss, Spock instead put his hand on Jim’s forehead.

“What the-! Spock! Would you quit checking me for a fever already?”

“We have already had to limit our child’s exposure to the rest of the ship,  _ ashayam.  _ And you have a weakened immune system due to your experiences with famine-!”

“Spock, I’m  _ fine,  _ and so is Alice. You’re the one who’s all worried about us getting sick, and you’re gonna end up making  _ yourself  _ sick if you don’t chill a little.”

“Yeah, Papa!” Alice agreed from behind the door to her room. “You’re gonna worry yourself sick!”

“That is illogical. In addition, my immune system is much stronger than yours because I am an adult, and stronger than your father’s due to his experiences on Tarsus IV. Therefore, to be concerned about the two of you, as you are my family, is logical.”

Jim couldn’t help but grin as he leaned in and kissed his boyfriend.

“Aw, Spock, you big softie. I love you too.”

“I love you too, Papa!”

Spock looked rather flustered, but smiled anyway. The intercom beeped then, and Nyota told them that they’d be at the planet soon.

“Alright, that’s our cue. Stay in your room, buttercup.”

“Okay! But come back soon, it’s really boring here.”

Jim laughed as he and Spock left his quarters.

 

* * *

 

Jim had to admit, Flint’s place was  _ nice.  _ It was almost like a castle in how grand it was, and the collection of stuff he had was more than a little impressive.

If weird, because he was pretty sure that the folio at least should have still been back on Earth.

“Saurian brandy, a hundred years old,” Bones said appreciatively. “Jim?”

“Sure, why not?”

“Because we are currently on duty, Captain,” Spock replied absently as he scanned a painting.

“Hey, now, Spock, just cause you’re not gonna have one doesn’t mean we can’t-!”

“Thank you, Doctor, I will have a brandy.”

Jim blinked, turning to look at his boyfriend with an arched eyebrow.

“Wait, really? You told me it does nothing for you.”

“It does. However, I feel I should, as I am currently close to experiencing an emotion that I have not felt in some time.”

“I’ll drink to that,” Bones said cheerfully as he poured Spock a glass. They all drank. “Now, what emotion is that?”

“Envy. None of these da Vinci paintings have ever been catalogued or reproduced. They are unknown works, all apparently authentic to the last brushstroke and use of materials. As undiscovered da Vincis, they would be priceless.”

“Would be? You mean, you think they’re fakes?”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“It is strange. A man of Flint’s obvious wealth and impeccable taste scarcely needs to hang fakes. Yet my tricorder analysis indicates that the canvas and pigments used are of contemporary origin.”

Jim hummed, crossing his arms.

“Well, it could be what it seems to be. Or it could be an illusion, like... like that Squire of Gothos kid. Spock, soon as you can, take a full tricorder reading of our host. See if he’s Human.” He pulled out his comm, telling Scotty to run a full database check on Flint and on this planet. “Welp, no use in brooding about it. Let’s enjoy this brandy, yeah-?”

Just then, the little robot that had tried to kill them earlier floated into the room, carrying a bunch of crystals. It turned out to be the ryetalyn, but before Jim could order them to be beamed up to the ship, Flint returned, saying that the M-4 could prep the crystals for inoculation quicker down here than on the ship. He then invited them to stay for dinner, and when Jim turned him down, invited a rather pretty young lady into the room, whom he introduced as Rayna.

And who kept staring at him. Jim probably wouldn’t have cared- he knew he was good-looking, after all- but Spock seemed rather unhappy about it.

_ Come on, babe, you know you’re my one and only. _

_ I am aware, but her staring is still rather... distressing. _

“Mr. Spock? I do hope we can find a moment to discuss field density and its relationship to gravity phenomena.”

Spock blinked, and Jim bit back a chuckle.

_ Would you look at that? Maybe it’s you she actually has the hots for. _

_ But I do not desire women. Or anyone but you. _

Jim bit his lip to muffle a laugh.

“Captain Kirk,” she said after a moment.

“Ah, sorry, Rayna. It’s very nice to meet you.”

Flint went on to brag about how Rayna possessed the equivalent knowledge of seventeen university degrees in science and art. Jim resisted the urge to say “well, my kid knows and can name every part of a warp engine, and she’s only seven years old!”

Mostly because he was pretty sure Rayna could do that too. Plus, Rayna could do something that Alice couldn’t- beat Jim at billiards. 

Though he actually hadn’t played her since she was five. She might be able to beat him now.

Still, even though Rayna was pleasant enough, and Flint was a challenge to debate, as usual Jim’s attention quickly returned to Spock, who was looking at some sheet music as he tapped out a few notes on the piano.

“I didn’t know you played,” Jim commented as he leaned on the piano.

“You did not ask,” Spock replied.

“Ah, Mr. Spock, why don’t you play us a waltz?” Flint asked. “Rayna is also a most accomplished dancer, you see.”

As usual, Flint wasn’t exaggerating, but Jim found it a little hard to get into dancing with her when he could feel his boyfriend’s jealousy in the back of his head.

_ I am not jealous. _

_ Yes you are. Do you want to dance with me? _

_ Dancing is a frivolous-! _

_ Spock. _

_... yes. _

Jim laughed a little.

“What? What are you laughing about?” Rayna asked.

“Ah, nothing, I just... you know, I bet you’re even better at playing the piano than Spock is. Why don’t you give it a whirl, Rayna?”

Rayna looked a bit puzzled, but did as he suggested, switching out with Spock. Jim grinned at his boyfriend, holding out his hand.

“May I have this dance?”

Spock’s lips quirked upward, and before Jim knew it, he was being held in Spock’s embrace as they started to sway.

“Wh- Hey! I meant  _ I  _ would lead!”

“I think not,” Spock replied as he expertly spun Jim around, leading him to the beat of the song as if he were some kind of princess in a Disney movie.

“Wh... I-I thought dancing was illogical?”

“It is.” Spock dipped him gently. “However, in my study of Human culture, I found it is a common practice amongst many groups, and it was thus logical to know how to dance.”

“Uh... huh... and how long have you been researching this?”

“Since Michael instructed me to attempt flirting with you. I had wanted to be prepared if the opportunity to dance with you ever arrived.”

Jim laughed and rolled his eyes, letting Spock spin him around once again.

“You’re such a dork.”

Spock smirked, then suddenly yanked Jim back, pulling him so that they were chest to chest.

“I believe that the standard response to that is, ‘you love me anyway.’”

Jim snickered, then got up on his toes to kiss his silly, sappy Vulcan.

And he would have, too, had Flint not cleared his throat and interrupted them.

“Ah, I see now. You are lovers.”

Jim blushed, grinning sheepishly.

“Ah-heh, yeah...”

“Is there an issue with that, Mr. Flint?” Spock asked, eyebrow quirked.

Flint’s smile did not quite reach his eyes.

“No, not at all. Love is... love is a beautiful thing in all forms, is it not?”

Jim grinned up at Spock.

“Well, I certainly think so.”

“Indeed.” Spock looked a lot less convinced, but before Jim had time to ask, Bones came in and told them that the ryetalyn was tainted with irillium, making it useless. Flint stated that he would go retrieve more, giving them a strange look again.

Jim resisted the urge to kiss Spock just to spite him, since if he really  _ was  _ a homophobic douche, he might kick them out without giving them the ryetalyn.

God, he wanted to, though.

 

* * *

 

If there was one thing that Spock enjoyed doing to his mate, it was marking him. It was illogical, as he never marked him anywhere that it could possibly be seen by anyone else, but it was... thrilling to know that unmistakable evidence of Spock’s presence in his heart, and in his bed, existed just under his clothes. 

It also did not hurt that Jim seemed to enjoy when Spock bit him, masochist that he was. 

Such as now, as Spock moved deep within him, nipping at his collarbone and leaving reddish-purple marks.

It was illogical, as well as shameful, but Spock found he  _ needed  _ to leave proof of their coupling, after Flint had attempted to force his mate to be romantically linked to Rayna so that she would develop emotions and love him. 

“T... Told you, Spock, I... oh,  _ fuck,  _ just like that! Mm...” Jim sighed, leaning back on the pillow and looking up at him through thick eyelashes. “You’re it for me...”

“I am aware, but I...” Spock leaned over, moaning into Jim’s shoulder as he thrust into him particularly hard. “I still found the idea of you being romantically linked to anyone else to be... it was distressing.”

“Aw, honey...” Jim took his chin in his hands, moving Spock’s face so that he could kiss him. “Would... ooh... would it make you feel better if, if we did something new?”

Spock blinked, slowing in his movements slightly.

“I... I am unsure of what you mean.”

“It’s... it’s possible to, y-y’know, mind meld during sex, right?”

Spock blinked again, then flushed, biting his lip as he put his head on Jim’s chest.

“Spock?”

He glanced up at his mate.

“I... i-it is possible, yes. Even normal, in... in cases of bondmates. But...”

“But what? Aren’t... aren’t you and I bondmates in every way but a formality?”

“I... y-yes, but...”

Jim’s expression softened.

“Spock... if you don’t want to-!”

“That... that is not the case. I’d, I’d very much like to, to meld with you at this moment, but... the... the experience is extremely...  _ intimate.” _

Jim looked a little confused.

“Babe, I hate to tell you this, but your dick’s literally inside me right now. We’re, uh, we’re pretty well into intimacy at this point.”

“Y-You misunderstand, I... we are physically and emotionally intimate, yes, but this is a sort of... it is a mental intimacy that may prove... slightly overwhelming.”

“Oh.” Jim smiled, then traced a finger over the tip of Spock’s left ear, making him shiver. “Then... then do it when you’re already close.”

“I... J-Jim, that is not... it would most likely be overwhelming for me, yes, but for you...”

Jim kissed him again.

“I wanna know how you feel when you’re inside me,” he whispered. “I wanna know how bad you really want this, and I want you to know that there is absolutely nowhere else I’d rather be, and no one else I’d rather be with.”

“I-I...  _ ashayam...” _

Jim smiled at him, then shuddered, reaching between them and taking himself in hand. 

“Y-You’re starting to leak, hon... it’s, it’s now or never for this round, mm...”

Spock bit his lip, the first sparks of climax making his mind fuzzy. 

Jim wanted to. He’d been the one to suggest it.

And Spock... oh, how Spock  _ wanted  _ to meld with him now, to become one in body, soul, heart, and mind. 

“Y-You are certain...?”

_ “Yes,  _ Spock. Come on, ravish my mind, giving-! Nn... g-giving enthusiastic consent here...”

Spock swallowed, then took a shaky breath as he put his fingers to Jim’s meld points.

“My... my thoughts to your thoughts...”

Spock had not been sure what to expect when they finally reached this level of intimacy. It was not discussed in sexual education through the Learning Center, and he had never wanted to ask his parents about it. 

Therefore, he was entirely unprepared for how  _ extraordinary  _ it was. It was as if he were inside Jim and  _ was  _ Jim at the same time, penetrating and being penetrated, and he was  _ loved,  _ so deeply and dearly and completely, he was loved and wanted and needed, only him and no one else, parted from him and never parted, never and always touching and touched-!

Orgasm burned through them both, a wildfire that neither wished to ever put out, as it was an odd yet somehow  _ perfect  _ kind of burning that felt like absolute paradise.

Spock was unsure how much time passed before he returned to himself, although from the way Jim was still shivering and whimpering below him, he assumed not much. He was rather amused to note that some of Jim’s ejaculate had somehow managed to land on his chin, chuckling as he wiped it away.

Jim did not respond to the gesture. In fact, Jim was somewhat unresponsive for the next four point three minutes, which was enough time for Spock to clean him up and apply disinfectant to the bite marks he had left on Jim’s collarbone.

“H... Holy  _ shit,  _ Spock.”

“I fail to see what sacred feces have to do with-!”

“Oh, you know what I meant.” Jim sat up, wincing slightly. “Christ, why haven’t we done that  _ before  _ now?”

“You did not suggest it until now, and I had thought you would not enjoy it.”

“Enjoy it? Spock, I know this is like, the third time I’ve told you this, but I don’t think I’ve come that hard in my entire  _ life.” _

Spock flushed, unable to keep himself from smiling.

“I concur.” He leaned in, kissing his mate gently. “But that is not the first time you have caused such an intense reaction in my body, and I doubt it will be the last.”

Jim laughed, shaking his head before kissing Spock once more.

“Love you.”

“I love you in return.”

Jim smiled again, then sighed, snuggling into Spock’s chest.

“... You think it’d feel that good if I was the one fucking you?”

Spock blinked, then rolled his eyes.

“Go to sleep,  _ t’hy’la.” _

“Aw, come on, we won’t know unless we-!”

“Perhaps later. Now sleep.”

“Fine, fine... I’m holding you to that, though.”

 

* * *

 

**2261.215**

Jim could say with absolute certainty that the last thing he expected to be on the Aurora was a bunch of hippies. 

Well. That wasn’t quite true. There  _ was  _ one thing he was expecting less than that, she just happened to be mixed in with the hippies.

“No go, no go, no go, no go-!”

“Okay, okay, which one of you is-!” Jim blinked, his eyes going wide. “Wait,  _ Jojo?” _

“Uncle Jim?” The brown-haired girl- who couldn’t be more than fifteen, and therefore was  _ way  _ too young to be wearing clothing that revealing- responded, confirming his suspicions. “Aw, crap, this is  _ your  _ ship?”

“It is, and you know, someone  _ else  _ happens to be here, and I’m sure he’s not gonna be too happy to know you were on a cruiser that  _ exploded!” _

She scoffed, crossing her arms.

“Like I care what he thinks!”

Jim exhaled, pinching the bridge of his nose.

“Captain, I was under the impression that Peter was your brother’s only child,” Spock commented.

“What? Oh, Spock, no, I’m... I’m her  _ honorary  _ uncle.” Jim gestured at her. “This young lady, who should really be in  _ school,  _ on  _ Earth,  _ is Miss Joanna McCoy.”

Spock blinked.

“McCoy as in...?”

“Yes, as in our esteemed Chief Medical Officer we know and love. Or, in your case, know and defer to the medical expertise of while also being a sassy sonuvab- gun.”

“I’m  _ fifteen!”  _ Joanna protested. “I curse all the time!”

“And I’m sure your dad is gonna have plenty to say about  _ that,  _ missy! Now, which one of you is Tongo Rad?”

A rather furry-looking purple-haired kid stood up.

“You can thank your father’s influence for the fact that you’re not under arrest.” He shot a look at Joanna.  _ “All  _ of you can thank him for that, actually. In addition to piracy, you’ve left yourselves open to charges of violating flight regulations, entering hostile space, and endangering the lives of others as well as your own.”

“I’m bleeding,” Tongo deadpanned.

“Yeah, well, you’ve also caused an interstellar incident which may have destroyed everything that’s been negotiated between your planet and the Federation.”

Tongo rolled his eyes.

“Your uncle’s one hard-lipped Herbert, Jo.”

“Ugh, I  _ know.  _ When did you get so  _ boring,  _ Uncle Jim? I can’t imagine how poor Alice lives with you.”

Jim blinked, both of his eyebrows rising.

_ “Excuse  _ me? Young lady, you happen to be in a whole heap of trouble right now-!”

Joanna blew a raspberry.

“Cry me a river, Herbert.”

Tongo laughed as he crossed his arms and sat down, then went silent like the rest of the group. Jim clenched his fists, then exhaled loudly and turned back to Spock.

“Mr. Spock, take them to sickbay for a medical check, and in one case, one  _ heck  _ of a grounding. There may have been radiation from the explosion.”

Spock was quiet for a moment.

“Captain, with your permission...”

Jim arched an eyebrow, then shrugged, gesturing to the group.

“Not sure what you’re gonna be able to do, but be my guest.”

Spock nodded, then walked over to the group. They looked at each other silently for a moment before Spock brought his hands in front of his face and made a triangular shape with his fingers.

“One,” he stated simply.

The guy with the weird ears, then the rest of the group, mirrored the gesture.

“We are One,” Ear guy replied.

“One is the beginning.”

“Are you One, Herbert?”

“I am not Herbert.”

“He’s not Herbert,” a red-haired, shirtless kid with a weird mark on his forehead said, nodding. “We reach.”

“If you will state your purpose and your objectives, perhaps we can arrive at a mutual understanding.”

Ear guy stood up.

“If you understand One, you know our purpose.”

“I would prefer that you state it.”

“We turn our backs on confusion and seek the beginning.”

“What is your destination?”

“The planet Eden.”

Jim blinked, then rolled his eyes.

“That planet’s a myth.”

Ear guy glared at him as he walked over.

“And we protest against being harassed, pursued, attacked, seized and transported here against our wishes. We do not recognize Federation regulations nor the existence of hostilities. We recognize no authority save that within ourselves.”

“Well, whether you recognize authority or not, I am  _ it  _ on this ship. Now, I’m under orders to transport you back to the Starbase peaceably. From there, you’ll be sent home, and in your case, Joanna, I foresee a loooooong grounding in your future. But because of my orders, you aren’t prisoners, but guests, and I expect you to act that way.”

“Oh, Herbert, you are  _ stiff!”  _ The redhead said with a laugh.

“Yeah, Uncle Jim, even your Vulcan pal’s  _ way  _ cooler than you!”

“Wh- No one has said that in the history of  _ ever!” _

Joanna stuck her tongue out at him.

“Just did. Live with it.”

Jim grit his teeth.

“Mr. Spock, you seem to understand these people, you deal with them.” He pointed at Joanna. “Except you, young lady, you’re coming with me and we’re going to see your father.”

“No way!” 

“Yes way, now get up or I’m going to have to carry you there like a baby!”

Joanna groaned, getting up and stamping her foot.

“This is so unfair! I’m fifteen, I’m old enough to make my own decisions!”

“Not according to Federation law, you’re not!”

The others started jeering at Jim, calling him a “Herbert” as he led Joanna out. She refused to look at him on the way to sickbay, and practically dragged her feet once they got out of the lift.

“Hi, Christine, is Bones in?”

“Yeah, he’s in his office, I...” Christine blinked when she saw Joanna. “Oh. Oh, uh... Len? Len, you’re... you’re gonna want to see this.”

“What is it, darlin’? I was just about to get to the... reports on... the Lebidian flu...”

Bones looked dumbstruck as he laid eyes on his daughter, dropping the papers in his hand. Joanna looked shocked, as well as furious.

From the expression on her face, Christine wanted to be here as little as Jim did.

“‘Darling,’ huh?” Joanna spat after a minute. “So you finally got a girlfriend, huh,  _ Dad?” _

Oop. Joanna only called Bones “Dad” when she was upset with him. 

“J...  _ Joanna Louise McCoy,  _ what are you  _ doing  _ here?! Hell, what do you think you’re  _ wearing?!” _

Ooh, full name. This was gonna be a big argument.

“Christine, maybe we should-!”

“Uh-huh,” Christine agreed quickly, all but running out of the sickbay with Jim as Joanna started shouting at Bones. Even after the door shut, they could still hear their loud, angry arguing. 

Jim sighed, running a hand through his hair.

“Well,” Christine finally said. “That... that was  _ not  _ the way I envisioned meeting my boyfriend’s daughter.”

“It, it coulda gone worse though, right? I mean, she barely acknowledged your existence, so...”

Before Christine could answer that, the door to the sickbay opened again.

“Young lady, you come back here this instant!”

“You can’t tell me what to do,  _ Leonard!”  _ Joanna all but screamed as she stormed out of the medbay.

“Joanna, I am your  _ father,  _ and-!”

“And what? I should treat you with respect? Yeah, Dad, cause running off and joining Starfleet to get away from your ex-wife is  _ so  _ respectable!”

Jim and Christine both winced. 

“Now, you  _ know  _ that’s not what happened!”

Joanna scoffed as she headed for the lift.

“Yeah, well, might as well have been! And you know what, Dad? You don’t get to lecture me on doing the same thing  _ you  _ did, even though I’m doing it for a different cause! You’re just gonna have to accept that I’m a big girl now, and you can’t tell me what to do anymore!”

The lift dinged as it arrived on their floor, and Joanna turned towards it, probably hoping to make a dramatic exit.

Instead, she came face to face with Spock and a bunch of her friends.

“Miss McCoy. I believe that sickbay is in the opposite direction.”

Joanna stared for a minute, then groaned, turning around and walking with the group.

“We are  _ not  _ done with this conversation, young lady!” Bones snapped as she and the others walked through the door to the medbay.

“Well, have fun talking to yourself, because I’ve got  _ nothing _ to say to you!”

Bones scoffed and muttered something about Joanna’s mother.

“And you’re putting on clothes that cover your stomach, do you hear me?”

“Oh, fuck off!”

“Wh-  _ Excuse  _ me!?”

“I said what I said,  _ Dr. Herbert!” _

The group began laughing, and even Jim couldn’t help but snicker.

“Oh, don’t look so amused, kid, before you know it  _ Alice  _ is gonna be going through the same thing!”

Jim immediately stopped laughing, unable to keep the look of horror off his face.

“Why would you  _ say  _ that?!”

Bones rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, welcome to my world. Christine?”

“R... Right...” Christine gave Jim and Spock a nervous look before returning to sickbay, the doors closing behind her.

“... Jim. I find that I am not looking forward to our daughter’s adolescent years.”

“Yeah, me neither.” Jim sighed, shaking his head. “God, I can’t believe this. Jojo was such a  _ brilliant  _ kid, how’d she get mixed up with those people?”

“Actually, Jim, the members of the group are not unintelligent. Their leader, Dr. Sevrin, is a man-!”

“Wait, wait, Dr. Sevrin?  _ The  _ Dr. Sevrin?”

“Yes. A brilliant research engineer in the field of acoustics, communications, and electronics on Tiburon. He was dismissed from his post when he started this movement. In addition, Tongo Rad inherited his father’s extraordinary abilities in the field of space studies.”

Jim stared at his boyfriend for a moment, then scoffed.

“God, how... they’ve rejected all that, and all that this technology provides! They’re trying to go back to the caveman days!”

“There are many who are... uncomfortable with what we have created. It is almost a biological rebellion; a profound revulsion against the planned communities, the programming, the sterilized, artfully balanced atmospheres. They hunger for an Eden, where spring comes.”

“Well, sure, we all do. We all remember the cave we once crawled out of.”

“Yes, that is true,  _ ashayam.” _

“But we don’t steal space cruisers,” Jim pointed out as they got into the lift, “and we don’t act like irresponsible children!”

“I should point out that at least three members of the group are of an age where they are legally defined as children.”

“Spock, enough with the semantics, just... why are you so sympathetic to them, anyway?”

“It is not, sympathy, Jim,” Spock explained as they got out onto the bridge. “I would say it is more curiosity. A wish to understand. They regard themselves as aliens in their own world, a condition with which I am somewhat familiar.”

Jim blinked, then felt his expression soften.

“Oh, Spock...” He pursed his lips, a new thought occurred to him. “Um, Spock?”

“Yes, Captain?”

“What... what does Herbert mean?”

Spock blinked, and Jim saw the corners of his lips quirk upward.

“It is, ah... somewhat uncomplimentary, Captain. Herbert was a minor official, notorious for his rigid and limited patterns of thought.”

Jim blinked, then scowled.

“I don’t know what they’re talking about. I’m hip!”

“I do not think anyone says ‘hip’ anymore, sir.”

“Sure they do!” Jim turned. “Chekov, you’re young, do the kids still say hip?”

Chekov blinked, then turned, clearly trying not to grin.

“No, sir, it is... it is considered rather old-fashioned.”

“Old-fash- I’m twenty-eight! I’m not old!” He turned and pointed at Spock. “And you! You’re older than me, you can’t be cool to those kids!”

Spock said nothing, but he looked far too pleased with himself.

_ Oh, keep that up and you’re sleeping on the couch! _

_ Why would I sleep on a couch? We both have our own beds. _

_ Stop being logical! _

_ I cannot. It is who I am. _

Jim certainly did  _ not  _ spend the next twenty minutes pouting, no matter what anyone said.

 

* * *

 

“This is  _ so  _ unfair! I  _ don’t  _ need a babysitter, I’m old enough to  _ be  _ a babysitter! Nobody else is getting treated like this!”

Spock arched an eyebrow as he followed Joanna from the sickbay.

“Unlike your companions, Miss McCoy, you are under the age of sixteen, making you a minor in every Federation society. As your father is currently busy administering booster shots to your companions and the crew, and as Alpha shift has ended, placing you in my and the captain’s care is logical, since we are the only other parents on board excluding Mr. Sulu.”

Joanna rolled her eyes.

“God, no wonder Uncle Jim’s such a fuddy-duddy now, he’s been shacking up with  _ you  _ and you’ve rubbed off on him.”

Spock fought back a flush.

“Jim has matured, yes, but I do not believe our relationship is the sole factor in his maturity. Being a starship captain is a very difficult job, one that requires a person to be explorer, diplomat, and soldier if the need arises. It is logical that he would mature emotionally through the experience.”

“Ugh, logic, logic, logic! I’m sick to  _ death  _ of hearing about logic, and I’ve only known you for two hours!” 

Spock bit back a sigh- he truly,  _ truly  _ was dreading Alice’s adolescence.

Speaking of Alice, she was waiting right outside the lift when they arrived on the floor for their quarters.

“Jojo!” She cried happily, spreading her arms.

“Wonderland!” Joanna replied equally as enthusiastically, running to her and picking her up in a hug. “Oof! You’re so  _ big  _ now!”

“That’s cause I’m eight! And you got tall! Also, why are you wearing the robe thingy medical officers sometimes wear?”

Joanna groaned.

“Cause my dad’s an old fart who doesn’t understand fashion.”

“Oh.” Alice shrugged. “To be fair, I’m the only person on this ship who gets to dress however they want. Right, Papa?”

“That is because you are eight and not an employee of Starfleet, or any other organization.”

“Well, not  _ yet,  _ anyway. I’ve already decided that I’m gonna do what Nana does when I grow up!”

Spock’s lips twitched upward- Alice had no idea how true that statement was, but it was heartening to see that she’d made that decision long ago.

“Aw, Wonderland, why would you want to join up with these Herberts?”

Alice blinked, tilting her head as Joanna put her down.

“I don’t think anybody on the ship is named Herbert, Jojo.”

“No, kid, a Herbert’s an uncool person.”

Alice blinked again.

“Papa and I have a lower overall body temperature than full-Humans. We’re both cool.”

Joanna stared at her for a moment, then sighed, shaking her head.

“Oh, my sweet summer child, you have so much to learn.”

Alice leaned over, looking at Spock with an arched eyebrow, and all Spock could do was arch one back at her.

Of course, it was at that point that Jim called Spock, asking him to speak with Sevrin to get him to tell his followers to behave. Spock took the girls along with him, having the guard keep an eye on them while he spoke with Sevrin.

“Neither you nor your people are at present charged with a crime. However, incitement to disaffection  _ is  _ criminal. The Federation will never allow the colonization of a planet by criminals. If they persist, they will be so charged, and forever barred from Eden.”

Sevrin scoffed.

“As I have been barred?”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Then you knew you were a carrier for the disease?”

“Oh, of course I knew! You’ve researched my life, you’ve read the orders restricting me to travel only in areas of advanced technology because of what my body carries!”

“What I fail to understand is why you disobey those orders.”

“Because this is poison to me!” Sevrin began pacing the quarters he’d been given. “This...  _ stuff  _ you breathe, this stuff you live in. The shields of artificial atmosphere that we have layered about every planet... the programs in those computers that run your ship and your lives for you. They bred what my body carries. That’s what your science has done to me! You’ve  _ infected  _ me!”

Spock blinked. This... was not what he was expecting from such a brilliant scientist.

Sevrin’s cape swished behind him as he turned back to Spock.

“Only the primitives can cleanse me. I cannot purge myself until I am among them. Only  _ their  _ way of living is right. I must go to them.”

“Your very presence will destroy the people you seek. Surely you know that.”

“I shall go to them, and be one with them, and together we shall build a world such as this galaxy has never seen! A world... a life. A life!” He turned away. “So. Now you’re gonna try to persuade me that your technologies will cure me, and then I’ll be free to go.”

“Yes, doctor.”

“And for that reason, I should persuade my friends to behave, so that they too will be allowed.”

“Yes, doctor.”

“... Alright. You send them in. I’ll talk to them.”

Spock nodded, then turned and left the room, instructing the girls to follow him to the bridge, which they did, although Joanna complained the entire time about not being a little girl anymore.

At the very least, Alice seemed bewildered by her behavior, so perhaps she would not be as difficult to understand as a teenager as Joanna seemed to be.

Although, according to his mother, Michael had been a very easygoing teenager, and Spock still hadn’t understood her for the majority of that period.

Perhaps he just did not have the skills necessary to understand teenage girls.

“Captain, I have spoken with-!” Spock blinked. “Ensign Chekov, why are you hiding beneath your console?”

“A-Ah, heh, sorry, sir,” Chekov said meekly as he got out from beneath the desk. “Last time someone came up, it was two of the girls from Sevrin’s group. They will not leave me alone, even after I tell them about Irina.”

“Who’s Irina?” He heard Joanna ask.

“Pavel’s girlfriend. She’s on another ship.”

“Uh... huh...”

“No, really, I met her! She’s really nice!”

Spock heard Jim chuckle as he turned back to him.

“Okay, Mr. Spock, what did you learn?”

Spock glanced behind him, then gestured to a farther part of the bridge, where Jim followed him to.

“Dr. Sevrin is insane,” Spock told him flatly once they were out of Joanna’s earshot.

Jim blinked.

“Uh... what?”

“I have not consulted Dr. McCoy, but I have no doubt of it.”

“Um... well, I’ll have Bones check him out, but what makes you so sure?”

“Despite the fact that we have repeatedly told him how his presence on a primitive planet would cause a pandemic, he still maintains the belief that if he were to join their culture, they would be able to heal him, and they would then create a new world order. There is no basis in reality for this, or even in the doctrine he previously established. It appears that he was driven to delusions by an inability to choose where he went, since the nature of his disease means he is unable to travel in areas that do not have advanced technology.”

“I see... I’m sorry, Spock, I... I know you admired him. Kinda explains some stuff, though, right?”

“My interest in Dr. Sevrin’s movement remains unchanged, sir. There is no insanity in what they seek. In addition, I made a promise that I would like to keep. With your permission, I must locate Eden. I shall work in my quarters, and the girls will stay with me. I would also like to request the assistance of Mr. Chekov in Auxiliary Control.”

For some reason, Jim smiled in the way that, over the past ten point eight months, Spock had come to recognize as meaning “if we weren’t on the bridge/negotiating a treaty/in mortal peril I’d kiss you right now.”

“Well, I would! Anyway, of course, Spock. I think poor Chekov would relish the chance to hide from those girls.”

Spock nodded, then directed the girls to follow him back to his quarters. While he worked on finding Eden, Joanna took Alice aside and began braiding her hair, while also engaging in the activity known as “gossiping,” mainly about boys from her school.

Or, at least, that is what Joanna did. Since Alice did not know any boys, she seemed to replace that part of the conversation by instead telling Joanna about her correspondence with Lukara.

Which, if Spock understood the purpose of this exercise correctly, may have been more fitting than either girl knew.

About an hour in, the door buzzed, and Spock allowed the visitor in. Joanna immediately perked up, rearranging her hair slightly.

“Hi, Adam.”

“Hey, Jo. And who’s this little lady you’ve got with ya?”

“Oh, this is Wonderland.”

Adam grinned.

“Whoa, that name’s real now, little sister!”

“My name’s Alice,” Alice clarified, seeming confused. “Jojo’s the only one who calls me Wonderland.”

_ “Alice!”  _ Joanna hissed, giving her a look before smiling at Adam nervously. “Ah, uh, she- she’s the only one who calls me Jojo, it’s- it’s cause she’s a little kid.”

“Hey, kids are smarter than we think, right? I bet she’s onto something.”

Joanna laughed at that, perhaps a bit too forcefully.

_ Papa, I don’t get it, what about that was funny? _

_ I do not believe Miss McCoy is laughing because she finds that statement humorous, but rather because she is romantically attracted to Adam. _

_ Huh? Why? He’s so...  _ plain. _ And he’s not wearing pants! _

_ Attraction is rarely logical, little one. _

Alice didn’t look any less confused, but seemed to let the subject go.

“Anyway, Mr. Spock, I’m not crossing you, am I?”

“No.”

“Great, cause I was just thinking, I-! Whoa! Hey, brother, do you play?” Adam asked as he pointed at Sybok’s lute. He’d meant to give it back to his brother while he was on the ship, but had never had the opportunity.

“I do.”

“He’s real good at it!” Alice added. “And at piano. And Daddy says he can sing, but I’ve never heard him sing so I dunno if that’s true or if Daddy’s just blinded by how much he loves Papa.”

Joanna snickered, and Spock fought back a flush.

“Well, that’s real sweet. Anyway, is it Vulcan?”

Spock nodded as he turned back to his calculations.

“Can I try it?”

Spock gestured for him to go ahead. Adam picked the instrument up, bringing it over to Spock’s desk before tuning and strumming it. 

“Oh-ho, that’s  _ now!  _ That’s  _ real  _ now!” He strummed it again. “I reach that, brother, I really do.”

“I reach you,” Joanna murmured.

“What was that, Jo?”

Joanna blinked, then turned bright red and went ramrod straight.

“Nothing!”

Spock decided that it would be in Dr. McCoy’s best interest not to know about Joanna’s infatuation with Adam. It would most likely be detrimental to his health, especially his blood pressure.

“Give,” Adam instructed, holding the instrument out to Spock. Spock took it, demonstrating the proper way to hold the lute and strum it. 

“Daddy would be swooning if he could hear this,” he heard Alice whisper to Joanna, who snorted in response.

“Hey, how about a session, you and us? It would  _ sound!  _ That’s what I came for. I wanted to ask, y’know, Great White Captain upstairs, but he don’t reach us.” Adam grinned. “But, uh, would he shake on a session? I mean, we wanna cooperate, like you asked, so I’m asking.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“If I understand you correctly, I believe the answer might be yes.”

Adam grinned again, then made the symbol for “One” in front of his face.

“I’ll spread the word! Later, Jo! See ya, little sister!”

“Bye...” Joanna sighed once he left the room, flopping back on the bed. “Isn’t he just so...  _ now?” _

“I have no idea what anyone just said,” Alice replied.

 

* * *

 

Jim had to admit- the planet they’d found was beautiful.

“It seems that the legends were true, Captain,” Spock commented. “A fantastically gorgeous planet.”

“Eden,” Chekov agreed.

“Is this what they believed they’d find? Cause I think... I think I might understand now...”

Bones snorted.

“Well, whatever Joanna thinks she’s found, she’s not staying.”

Jim sighed, glancing over her shoulder.

“Did you even ask her why she wanted to go?”

“She’s fifteen, it doesn’t matter! Name one good decision you made at fifteen, any of you!”

“I applied to Starfleet and became youngest cadet in Academy at fifteen,” Chekov piped up. 

“Okay, you don’t get to answer anymore.”

“Aw...”

Jim rolled his eyes.

“Alright, spread out, and if you find anyone- or anything- approach with caution.” Jim pulled out his comm. “Dr. Sevrin-!”

Chekov suddenly cried out in pain, stating that the flower he’d touched burned him when Jim asked.

“All this plant life is full of acid. Even the grass, Jim,” Bones told him after he scanned it. 

“Okay, well, will our clothes protect us?”

“For a while, but I wouldn’t wanna stick around too long if I were you,” he said before he started tending to Chekov’s wounds. Spock then called him over, and Bones just barely managed to resuscitate the red-haired kid named Adam, who’d taken a bite of poison fruit.

“C... Captain, I see the shuttlecraft...” Chekov managed, clearly still in pain. Spock picked the still-unconscious Adam up before they jogged over to the ship, where they could hear people whimpering and crying in pain.

“Joanna,” Bones breathed once the door opened, picking his sobbing daughter up. 

“D... Daddy...” She managed weakly. Her feet and ankles were covered in acid burns. “Daddy, it hurts...”

“Shh, I know, I know, sweetpea, it’s okay...” He kissed her forehead as he placed her on the ground. “I’m here, it’s all gonna be fine now...”

“Doctor,” Spock started once they saw Sevrin. 

Bones glanced up, making a face at Sevrin’s- admittedly disgusting- feet.

“He’ll need to be beamed up, Jim, I can’t do enough for him here.”

Spock started to order them to the transporter room, but Sevrin objected, taking off towards a tree. 

“Get back here, you idiot!” Bones barked. 

Sevrin ignored him, instead plucking a fruit from the tree and biting into it. He died almost immediately, falling right out of the tree.

“Oh, god... Jo, sweetie, don’t look...”

Joanna was sobbing, and Jim grimaced as he pulled out his comm to order them all beamed back up.

 

* * *

 

Jim stopped Spock just as they were about to enter the medbay, peering inside. Bones was kneeling next to Joanna’s biobed, and they were speaking softly.

_ “Ashayam,  _ what is it-?”

_ Shhh, this is important. _

“... I don’t want you to get married again, but... I really wish you and Mom could be friends again...”

“Oh, sweetpea...” 

Jim pushed his boyfriend out of the doorway, letting the door close behind him.

“I assume that the relationship between Dr. McCoy and his ex-wife is not a pleasant one?”

“You don’t know the half of it. Bones and Joss  _ hated  _ each other when I met her. You think Bones gets mad at  _ me  _ when I fuck up? You’ve never seen him scream at a phone because his wife didn’t want to honor their custody agreement and let Jo spend Christmas with him.”

“I see.”

“Yeah. Jocelyn isn’t even that unpleasant of a person, she was plenty nice to me when Bones left the room for a minute, but... they  _ really  _ bring out the worst in each other. They both did their best to limit Jo’s exposure to it, but... I think that their inability to get along really did end up affecting her...”

Spock hummed, but Jim still felt some confusion from him.

“You still don’t get it?”

“I... I am afraid not. Vulcans do not... the separation of a bonded pair outside of death is very, very rare. If someone is going to object to a bonding, they usually do it through the  _ kaliffee,  _ which takes place prior to marriage. There is no Vulcan word for divorce, either.”

Jim smiled sadly.

“Well, that’s probably because you guys do it all based on logic.”

“That does not mean that we do not love our bondmates, Jim. For example, I love you very much.”

Jim grinned at him, swatting his arm gently.

“I know  _ that,  _ smartass. But with Humans... well, we don’t have telepathic links to bond us together forever. When we fall out of love with the people we marry, the biggest issues are emotional tension, legal fees, and child custody arguments, not how to get rid of the other person’s presence in our head.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“I had thought that marriage was meant to be sacred amongst Humans.”

“Ha, yeah, that was the argument back when they were trying to keep people like you and me from getting married, but y’know, no one really bought it. But sometimes... sometimes it just doesn’t work out. And a lot of times, the best thing that people can do is to part, for both their own sakes and for the sake of any kids they have.”

Spock was silent as he took a step towards Jim and took his hand.

“I cannot ever imagine leaving you, Jim. For any reason.”

Jim blinked, then smiled, resting his head on Spock’s shoulder.

“I know, babe. I don’t think that’ll ever happen to you and me.”

Spock leaned over, kissing Jim’s forehead just as the door to the medbay opened.

“Well, I do hope I’m not interrupting something, gentlemen.”

Jim squawked, turning to Bones with a sheepish grin.

“Ah-heh. Sorry, Bones... how’s Jojo doing?”

Bones sighed.

“Well, as it turns out, her running away was a result of Joss wanting her to go to some pre-law prep school. Jo didn’t wanna go, of course, and so she decided to run off with a bunch of hippies.” 

“Ah, so it was just a case of teenage rebellion, then?”

Bones grimaced.

“Well, that and she was kinda hoping it would force me and her mother to talk to each other again.”

Jim blinked, then felt his expression softened.

“She’s not... she’s not like, trying to do a whole ‘Parent Trap’ thing with you guys, is she?”

“Oh, no, she said she’d never want us to get back together, we’d kill each other, but... well, it’s been seven years since the divorce, she figured that we could at least be cordial again.”

“Interesting. Do you believe she’s right?”

“Considering that I just spent an hour screaming at Joss over the phone, no. By the way, uh, Jim? Jo’s... Jo’s gonna have to stay with us for a little while.”

“What? I mean, I don’t mind at all, especially since my own kid’s here, but why?”

“Well, cause Joss is busy prosecuting a case on the other side of the quadrant, and she can’t get away to pick her up for a few months.”

Jim smiled warmly.

“Of course she can stay, Bones. I mean, she’s already pretty much done with normal secondary schooling, so it’s not like she’ll be missing school or anything.”

Bones smiled appreciatively, then sighed.

“What?”

“Well, as it turns out, Jo didn’t bring any clothes with her that aren’t wholly inappropriate for a kid her age, so when we get to the starbase, I’m gonna have to take her shopping.”

Jim blinked, then winced sympathetically.

“I do not understand, why does procuring clothing for your child cause you dread?”

“... You’ve never been to a mall, have you, Spock?”

“No, why?”

Bones laughed dryly.

“Oh, you’ll find out sooner than you think, Mr. Spock. Appreciate the fact that your kid’s clothing sizes aren’t stupid complicated while that’s still the case.”

Spock still looked terribly confused.

 

* * *

 

**2261.219**

Spock watched his mate drop into a chair in the food court, colorful cloth bags in hand.

“Okay, for future reference? Bones was  _ super  _ wrong about kids’ clothing sizes not being confusing. I sincerely don’t get why all brands can’t agree on a sizing system and stick to it.”

“I do not have answers for you,  _ t’hy’la.  _ Where is Alice?”

“Nyota took pity on me and offered to go with her to get her haircut. God, I miss the days when Alice was too little to have an opinion on fashion. Or anything. She was a baby, so she really didn’t care about much...”

Spock’s lips quirked upward.

“Indeed. Do not despair, though, as I’m sure David will not have an opinion on style as a newborn either.”

“Spock, I hate to tell you this, but most Human boys? They’re even  _ more  _ picky about style than girls. And from what the grown-up Alice told us, I think that’s probably what our boy’s gonna end up being.”

Spock would have responded to that, but he found himself interrupted by the arrival of Joanna.

“Uncle Jim, Mr. Spock, there you are!”

“Oh, Jojo. Hey, you look nice.”

Indeed, she did look quite nice in her new pink sundress and white cardigan. She smiled, curtsying before standing back up with a serious expression.

“Thanks, I picked it myself. And since you like it, I’d like you to do me a favor and help me convince my dad that he should listen to me about style.”

Spock blinked, as did his mate.

“What? Why?”

“Because he’s forty and set in his ways, and I swear to god if I have to be anywhere near him in a polo shirt I will  _ die  _ of embarrassment.”

“Miss McCoy, it is physically impossible to perish from-!”

“Not the  _ point,  _ Mr. Spock!” Joanna looked at Jim with big, pleading eyes. “Please, Uncle Jim? For me?”

“... Dammit, I can’t say no to that face,” Jim said with a sigh, getting out of his chair and grabbing the bags. “Spock, come on, I doubt we’ll be done convincing Bones before Alice is done with her haircut.”

Spock frowned, but said nothing as he followed Joanna and Jim into a nearby store. 

“Dad, I brought Spock and Jim,” Joanna said as she approached a changing booth.

“What? Joanna, that’s  _ worse!  _ Dammit, would you just give me my clothes back so we can leave?”

“Oh, come  _ on,  _ Dad, you want to look nice for Christine, don’t you?”

“Christine doesn’t care how I look!”

“Sure, it’s not the most  _ important  _ thing, but I’ve seen her wardrobe, she’s fashionable and  _ way  _ cooler than you. Your old-man polos aren’t gonna cut it.”

“Those aren’t the only casual clothes I own!”

“Golf shirts are the same thing as polos, and you’ve owned most of those sweaters longer than I’ve been alive! Just get out here and show them!”

Jim looked like he might burst into giggles at any moment as he took a step forward, clearing his throat.

“Come on, Bones, just show us.”

McCoy was silent for a moment, then sighed loudly, pulling back the curtain.

“Alright, just get on with it.”

Jim made a sound that Spock understood to be a “wolf whistle.” 

“Jeez, Bones, I think you should listen to her. If I didn’t know better, I almost wouldn’t believe you’re old enough to be her father.”

“I concur, doctor. The leather jacket especially is rather fitting.”

McCoy flushed, scowling and crossing his arms. 

“That’s... well, it’s- it’s expensive!”

“It’s on sale, Dad,” Joanna pointed out. “As is everything else you’re wearing.”

“It is?”

“Dad, did you seriously never go shopping with my mother? I know how to find a bargain from a mile away.”

McCoy grimaced, then finally threw his hands up.

“Fine! Fine, you win, I’ll buy the damn thing. Happy?”

“Yes,” Joanna replied, grinning hugely, “yes I am.”

Jim laughed as McCoy went back into the changing table, shaking his head.

“What’s so funny, Daddy?” Spock heard Alice ask. 

“Well, your Uncle Bones is a stubborn... old... man...”

Jim trailed off, and upon turning to look at their daughter, he understood why- prior to her haircut, Alice’s hair had been down slightly past her shoulders. 

Now, however, it had been cut into a short bob that curled around her chin, her bangs pulled back by a few hair clips with small smiley-faces on it.

It was rather fitting for Alice, and admittedly quite cute.

However, it was also extremely similar to the hairstyle worn by the twenty-seven-year-old Alice, and despite the childish nature of the hairclips, it somehow made her look much older suddenly.

Which was why, although he was able to resist the urge to show such emotion, he understood why Jim’s eyes began to well up.

“Daddy? Daddy, what’s the matter?” She reached up, brushing her much shorter locks behind her ear. “Do you not like my haircut?”

Jim laughed, shaking his head and wiping at his eyes.

“N-No, buttercup, it’s... you look  _ adorable,  _ I just... you’re growing up  _ so fast...” _

Nyota snorted, and Alice blinked, then rolled her eyes.

“Ugh,  _ Dad,  _ don’t be so mushy!”

And well, it seemed  _ that  _ was enough to push Jim to openly crying. 

Which, thankfully, kept him from noting how Spock’s eyes had become misty.

 

* * *

 

**???**

Jim opened his eyes, then immediately regretted opening them so quickly. He groaned, rubbing at his eyes as he sat up.

“Ah, there he is,” Jim heard Bones say before he felt a hypo in his neck.

“Ow! Bones, what the-?!” Jim blinked, his mouth falling open when he saw his friend. “Jesus, Bones, what happened to  _ you?” _

Bones blinked.

“In the past hour that you’ve been out? Mostly making sure your kid doesn’t freak out and think her dad’s gonna die again.”

“An- an  _ hour? _ Bones, you look like you’ve aged  _ three years!” _

Bones blinked, then narrowed his eyes.

“Just how hard did you hit your pretty little head, Jim-?”

“Dad! You’re awake!” 

Jim blinked again when he heard the door to the... wherever they were open, pushing Bones out of the way. 

His heart stopped when he saw who’d entered the room, because... because it was his  _ daughter,  _ it could only be her, but she was too tall, her face not round enough, and her hair hadn’t been that short since she was two, and, and...

“A... Alice?”

Alice frowned, tilting her head slightly.

“Dad, what’s wrong? You’re confused, I can feel it.”

“A... Alice...? Alice, how is this... h-how old are you?”

Alice blinked, quirking an eyebrow.

“My birthday was  _ two months ago,  _ Dad, not even Uncle Sybok says I’m seven anymore.”

“Uncle Sy- who on  _ Earth  _ are you talking about?”

Alice was starting to get concerned- he could feel through their bond, like he always could, but her thoughts were so much more  _ organized,  _ and...

And it wasn’t the only bond in there anymore.

Jim’s eyes went wide.

“What the-?! Okay, who the  _ hell  _ else is in my head right now?!”

“Dad,” Alice started, taking a step towards him, “Dad, you’re starting to scare me. What... what’s the stardate?”

“The stardate? It’s-!”

The door opened, interrupting Jim, and the next person he saw filled him with so much annoyance that he lost his train of thought.

“Commander Spock,” he started as pleasantly as he could, “how can I help you?”

Spock blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“I seem to be missing some context. Are you upset with me,  _ ashayam?” _

Jim blinked, then glared at the commander.

“Okay, I know you don’t like me, but you don’t have to call me names. Especially not in front of my kid.”

Spock, to his surprise, actually looked  _ hurt,  _ and to his further surprise, he could actually  _ feel  _ it-!

Wait.

“What the-? What the  _ fuck  _ are you doing in my head?!” Jim demanded, scrambling back in the biobed. “I’ve known you for like,  _ eight hours,  _ and you spent a good chunk of that time trying to get me expelled!”

“Jim-!”

Alice held up her hand, which actually shut Spock up for some reason.

“Dad,” she started seriously, “Dad, what’s the stardate?”

“Alice, not-!”

_ “Daddy.” _

Jim blinked, then swallowed when he saw the desperate look on his daughter’s face.

“It’s... it’s 2258.42.”

The room fell into absolute silence. Everyone was staring at him incredulously, and Jim shrank back.

“Wh... What? What are you looking at me like that for? I just told you the stardate, and... wait, Bones, weren’t you just smuggling me onto the ship? Why is Alice here? Come to think of it, when did I pass out...?”

Bones swallowed, then turned away and grabbed a PADD. Without a word, he turned it on, showing the date to Jim.

_ 2261.268. _

Jim blinked.

Then blinked again.

Then one last time. 

Then it finally hit him, and he felt the blood drain from face, barking out a nervous laugh.

“That’s... that’s really funny, Bones. I think Sam tried to pull the same trick on me that time I broke my arm when I was six.” He handed the PADD back to him. “But I’m not falling for it now-!”

“Dad.” Alice held up a comm unit, showing him the date on there, which was the same as it had been on the PADD.

Jim’s heart dropped into his stomach.

“I... that’s not...” The room was spinning suddenly. “There’s just no... no way, I...”

The world went dark as he dropped back onto the pillow.

 

* * *

 

“Captain’s log, stardate 2261.268. First officer Spock in temporary command. Following an unsuccessful attempt by the ruler of Ferris Vega IX to convince me to wed his daughter, Captain Kirk fell unconscious. Upon awakening, it was discovered that the captain has lost all of his memory from after stardate 2258.42. The ruler is being interrogated as to the possibility that he caused the captain’s memory loss, and until such time as it has returned, I will be in command.”

Spock swallowed as he ended the recording, turning around when he heard the door to the turbolift open.

“Dr. McCoy, has the captain’s condition improved?”

“Last I checked, he’d just remembered you dumping him on Delta Vega. Seems like the memories are coming back, but pretty slowly.” McCoy sighed. “I had to ask Jo to take Alice and keep an eye on her, she was getting really upset and it was making Jim upset too.”

Spock swallowed again, trying not to show how worried he was.

“I see. At the current rate, how long do you believe it will take before the captain’s full memory returns?”

McCoy shrugged.

“Could be a couple days, could be a couple  _ years.  _ It would help if I knew just what caused him to lose his memories in the first place. In any case, I’m gonna need you to lay off the mushy stuff, and avoid using your Vulcan telepathy whatchamacallit to talk to him.”

“It is a telepathic-!”

“Don’t know, don’t care, not gonna remember. Don’t use it. Shield him for now, cause having you in his head freaks him out.” McCoy arched an eyebrow. “Probably because he’s still under the impression that you hate his guts.”

Spock resisted the urge to flinch.

“I admit that our initial meeting was... less than auspicious, but I... I would still like to make it clear to him that I do not hold any ill will towards him.”

McCoy shook his head.

“Not a good idea, Spock. You need to give his mind time to recalibrate, to adjust to the fact that he’s not a twenty-five-year-old cadet, but a twenty-eight-year-old starship captain. Trying to get him to remember anything else, like, say, that the guy who tried to get him kicked out of the Academy is actually his soulmate, is just gonna freak him out.”

Spock grit his teeth, folding his hands behind his back.

“Very well. I will defer to your medical expertise, doctor.”

McCoy’s gaze softened for some reason.

“Spock... look, don’t worry too much about it, alright? His memories  _ are  _ coming back, even if it’s slow, and he’s going to remember you and how you two feel about each other.” He smiled sympathetically. “Now, I can’t say whether or not he’s gonna remember in time for your first anniversary, but he’s gonna remember it sooner or later.”

Spock held back a wince, nodding.

“Thank you, doctor.”

“Of course. I’ll keep you updated.”

Spock nodded once more, then sighed once McCoy left the bridge.

He truly,  _ truly  _ hoped that the good doctor was right. Three years was a long time, and... and Spock found that he dreaded the idea of having to start all over with his  _ t’hy’la. _

He would if he had to, of course- he would do anything for Jim, but...

But he was unsure how to handle the fact that, at least for now, his feelings were truly unrequited by someone who, just this morning, had loved him just as much in return.

 

* * *

 

Jim glared at the comm unit as it once again refused to connect to the number he’d put in. 

“Bones!” He called when his friend walked into the medbay of the starship that he  _ was apparently in charge of, what the fuck.  _ “Bones, I think this thing’s busted, it’s not letting me call Pike!”

Bones sighed, taking the comm from him.

“That’s because you’re trying his Starfleet comm number. He’s retired.”

“What? When did that happen?”

“Two years ago. You’ll remember sooner or latter. Remembered anything new yet?”

Jim grimaced.

“Yeah, I remembered Spock trying to strangle me on the bridge.”

Bones winced, shaking his head.

“Well, yeah, that  _ did  _ happen... he feels bad about that, y’know.”

Jim sighed, remembering what the old Spock had told him.

“Yeah, I... I figured, but... it’s kinda hard to believe that he doesn’t hate my guts.”

“Oh, we were all surprised about that one, kid. Sometimes I’m still surprised, and I remember the last three years.”

Jim groaned.

“I can’t believe it’s been that long... god, when did Alice get so tall? And start calling me Dad instead of Daddy? And cut her hair so short, and... and start wearing jean jackets with flannel shirts?”

“Well, the answer to the first question is ‘it’s been three years, ya nimrod,’ and the rest of them started about... two months ago, I think. Something about wanting to define her personal style.”

“She’s  _ eight.  _ And why does she even  _ care  _ about her clothes, she’s never cared before!”

“Far as you remember. In my experience, she’s right around the age most kids really start caring about fashion.”

Jim just groaned again.

“I can’t believe this. She’s growing up so fast...”

Bones snorted.

“Yeah, you said that yesterday when she started showing off that leather jacket she made you get her.”

_ “A what?!” _

Bones just laughed as he walked away, and Jim rolled his eyes just before pain started stabbing in the back of his head.

_ “Captain, what are you doing?” _

_ “Showing them compassion, may be the only way to earn peace with Romulus. It’s logic, Spock, I thought you’d like that.” _

_ “No, not really. Not this time.” _

Jim gasped, panting as he came back to the present.

“Jim? Jim, what was that?”

“I... I remembered... did me and Spock actually make a  _ black hole  _ on that Romulan ship?”

Bones blinked, then rolled his eyes.

“Yeah, you’re fine. Don’t scare me like that, Christ.”

“Glad to see your bedside manner’s improved, Bones,” Jim muttered as he laid back down.

He remembered now. He and Spock had infiltrated Nero’s ship, saved Pike, and somehow made some kind of red matter bomb thing to blow them the fuck up. 

And Spock had actually  _ smiled  _ at him a little when it was over.

His stomach felt... weird.  _ Fluttery. _

He’d wonder if all Vulcans were so confusing, but he already knew that wasn’t true. Spock was just... he was  _ Spock. _

He’d figure out what that meant soon enough, he supposed.

 

* * *

 

**2261.269**

“There you are.”

Spock blinked, turning around to face Jim as the latter entered the arboretum.

“Captain, I am uncertain that you should you be out of the medbay.”

Jim waved his hand dismissively.

“Bones let me go ten minutes ago, and I...” Jim trailed off, looking away and clearing his throat. “I wanted to, uh... to apologize.”

Spock blinked again, then arched an eyebrow.

“Dr. McCoy has informed me that you now remember the rest of the Narada Incident, and as such I should not have to remind you that you already-!”

“Not... not that. I’m sorry that I... that I was kind of a jerk to you yesterday afternoon in the medbay.”

Spock frowned.

“Captain, as far as you knew, we still disliked each other.”

This was only partially untrue- Spock knew now that he’d been falling in love with the galaxy’s most irrational Human being from the start, after all, and had never truly disliked him.

But this knowledge would most likely disturb Jim, so he kept it to himself.

“Yeah, but... well, now that I know what we went through together, I feel a little like a dick.”

Spock blinked, trying to squash down the hope rising in his frame.

“What... what we went through?”

“Well, yeah. Like, the Narada, and that creepy other Earth with the old kids and the disease. I’ve remembered all that so far.”

Vulcans did not feel disappointment.

However, Spock could not deny that this was not the news he was hoping to hear.

“Your memory is returning quite quickly, it seems.”

Jim sighed, shaking his head.

“Seems long to me. I went to my quarters earlier, and I found out that it was modified at some point to give Alice her own room and bathroom. And I found reading glasses on the nightstand. How old  _ am  _ I?”

Spock was very glad that he was Vulcan, and therefore the panic he felt when he realized that he had, in fact, left his reading glasses in Jim’s quarters last night was not apparent on his face.

“You will remember soon enough, I’m sure. Though, I must say, I am curious as to what is triggering your recollections-!”

Jim suddenly winced, letting out a loud groan and curling in on himself slightly. Spock reacted without thinking, putting a hand on his mate’s back.

“Jim? Jim, what is wrong?”

“I... I...” Jim suddenly started shaking, his breath becoming ragged and weak. “K... Kodos, Kodos was... he was here...”

Oh.

“What is your name?” Spock asked, keeping his voice gentle as he always did when this happened. Admittedly, it was usually in the middle of the night, and Jim would normally have just thrashed and cried his way out of a nightmare, but he was certain the same principles applied, as the cause was the same.

“I... I...”

“What is your name?”

“J... James Tiberius Kirk.”

“How old are you?”

“T-Twenty-fi... twenty-eight.”

“What is the stardate?”

“It’s... it’s 2261.268.” Jim’s breathing had started to even out.

“Where are you?”

“I... I’m on the starship Enterprise...”

“And where are you on the Enterprise?”

“The... the arboretum.” Jim swallowed. “I’m... I’m okay. He’s not here anymore, he’s... he’s dead.”

“Yes. He is dead, and you are alive.”

Jim’s eyes were damp, and Spock resisted the urge to reach over and wipe away his tears as he normally would.

“I... y-you’re, uh, you’re well versed in that, huh?”

Spock barely held back a flush.

“I am... I have found it useful to learn how to soothe Humans through panic.”

Again, this was not a lie. However, Jim did not need to know that he was the reason he had learned that.

Jim laughed a little, bringing Spock out of his thoughts.

“I can’t believe you brought me oatmeal at four in the morning.”

The tips of Spock’s ears began to burn. 

“It... it was logical to provide you with sustenance, since you had not eaten properly for well over twenty-four hours.”

Jim groaned.

“I can’t believe I almost relapsed...”

“While you do need to remain mindful of your eating habits, it is illogical to dwell on your past mistakes, especially ones that resulted from a situation that was outside of your control. Doing so will only serve to heighten your anxiety, which I believe has already been heightened enough.”

Jim blinked up at him, then had a rather odd reaction to that statement.

Namely, in that he blushed quite brightly, redness spreading across his cheeks and painting his ears.

“... Uh.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Are you well, Jim? You seem flushed.”

The use of his mate’s first name only seemed to make him even more flustered. He began stuttering nonsensically, fidgeting in his seat until he finally just stood up and bid Spock farewell before all but running out of the arboretum.

Spock blinked, frowning. Strange. What could have caused Jim to react in such a manner to such a simple-!

_ “Ah-heh, well... the thing about that is, is, uh... okay, confession time, I kinda started crushing on you after the whole Kodos thing...” _

Spock blinked, then felt his own face become uncomfortably warm.

It appeared that McCoy, Uhura, Alice, his sister, and... well, the vast majority of the crew had been right- Jim’s attraction towards him  _ had  _ been obvious.

Before he had too much time to dwell on that particular revelation, however, his comm went off, and he was summoned back to the bridge. He’d all but banished it to the back of his mind twenty minutes later, at which point the ship had beamed up the members of the formerly stranded archaeology dig. 

“Dr. Lester, Dr. Coleman.” Spock arched an eyebrow as he looked at the third member of the party. “And you are?”

“Oh, uh, I’m Dr. Mitchell.” Mitchell raised his hand in a somewhat crude approximation of the  _ ta’al. _ “Sorry, I was, uh, I was still trying to keep the life support systems online when you guys picked up. This is how Vulcans say hello, right?”

“... More or less. In any case, I am Commander Spock, acting captain of the USS Enterprise.”

“Acting captain?” Coleman asked.

“I am afraid that Captain Kirk is on medical leave at the moment.”

“Wait, Captain Kirk? Not- not Captain James T. Kirk?” Mitchell inquired.

“I am unaware of any other Captain Kirks in Starfleet, unless his mother was promoted recently.”

Mitchell grinned.

“I totally forgot that this was Jim’s ship! You wouldn’t happen to know where he is, would you?”

Spock blinked, then arched an eyebrow.

“I do not. You said your name was...?”

“Mitchell. Gary Mitchell.”

Spock blinked, then had to act very quickly in order to keep his eye from twitching.

“I see. The... the captain has mentioned you before.”

“All good things, I hope.” Mitchell moved past Spock before he could reply to that. “Don’t worry about giving me quarters for more than one night, I’m sure I won’t need any guest quarters once I find him.”

Spock was unable to keep his eye from twitching this time, resisting the urge to grab Mitchell, toss him back onto the transporter, and order Scott to beam him back down to the dig site.

But he did not. Because he was an adult.

An adult that did not want to be court-martialed.

Besides, Jim had been rather clear that he no longer had feelings for Mitchell. Or at least, none positive. 

And if his memories continued to return at the current rate, he would most likely remember their relationship within the next few days, probably before their anniversary.

He hoped.

 

* * *

 

Jim was panting by the time he got into the medbay, diving behind a separation divider.

“What the-? Kid, what the hell are you doing?”

Jim peeked out from behind the curtain, putting his finger to his lips.

“Don’t tell anyone I’m in here! Especially not Gary!”

Bones blinked, arching an eyebrow.

“Who’s Gary?”

“Oh, come on, you know who Gary is! I told you about him that time we got drunk after finals!”

“... Yeah, think you might have been a little more sober than I was there.”

Jim rolled his eyes.

“Okay, short version- dated him when I was nineteen, cheated on me, I dumped him, and then I hooked up with him like... six times between then and when Alice was born!”

Bones blinked again.

“And... you’re hiding from him because?”

“Because apparently, he was part of the dig we picked up, and now I’m hiding because despite the fact that I hate his guts, I keep ending up in bed with him, and I’m  _ way too old  _ to be making that mistake!”

Bones blinked one last time, then rolled his eyes.

“Lord have mercy... if you don’t  _ want  _ to have sex with the guy, then don’t!”

“I didn’t wanna have sex with him the other six times, either!”

Bones’ eyes widened before his expression softened.

“Jim... Jim, if that bastard did something to you-!”

“What? No! No, not like that, I just knew that it was a bad idea to have sex with him, and yet I did it anyway!” Jim grimaced. “Now, I may be twenty-eight, a starship captain, and the father of a fourth-grader, but I’ve learned that I cannot trust myself to make rational decisions around Gary Mitchell. So if you don’t mind, I’m just gonna hide in here for-!”

The door to the medbay opened again, and Jim let out a pathetic little squeak, ducking back behind the curtain. Everything was silent for a moment, and Jim was almost hopeful that he’d be left alone.

Then the curtain was pulled back, and Jim found himself face-to-face with the one person he wanted to see  _ less  _ than Gary right now.

“Heeeeeey, Spock...” He tried to say as casually as possible. “What's up?”

“Jim, what are you doing?” Spock asked, arching an eyebrow. “You have been cleared to leave the medbay.”

Jim laughed nervously, willing himself not to blush, or worse- get a boner. Why did his brain have to remember both the whole “overwhelming, unyielding lust” part of his crush on Spock  _ and  _ Spock coming out to him? He felt like he was sixteen again, and not in a good way.

“Uh... well...”

“He’s hiding from his ex-boyfriend,” Bones informed him. 

“Bones!” Jim hissed, peeking out a little more and glaring at him.

“Ah, I see. You have been informed of Dr. Mitchell’s presence on the ship, then?”

“Well, I heard-! Wait,  _ Doctor  _ Mitchell?”

“That is correct.”

“Shit, maybe this isn’t Gary after all.”

“No, it is him,” Spock told him, eyebrow arching. “He asked about your whereabouts and stated he would not need to be shown to guest quarters, as he seemed certain that he would be sharing your bed.”

Jim squawked, blushing and drawing the curtains around him.

“N-No way, absolutely not! I’m not-! I’m not going to sleep with  _ Gary!  _ Just cause it happened once or... or twice... or three times... or... fine,  _ six times  _ after we broke up, but it’s not gonna happen again! I’m- I’m too old, and I have a kid now!” 

Spock’s eyebrow arched even higher.

“You continued to engage in intercourse with him after he cheated on you?”

“Ugh, yeah, I know it’s dumb-!” Jim blinked. “Wait, how did you... did I tell you about Gary?”

“You did.”

“I... when did you and I get that drunk?”

Spock blinked.

“We have never gotten intoxicated together, Jim.”

“Wait, really? I haven’t talked about Gary sober in... well, ever.” 

Were he and Spock really that good of friends? He couldn’t imagine being that close with someone who wasn’t Alice, and he’d never tell Alice about everything that happened with Gary. All she knew was that Dad’s last relationship was with someone who wasn’t very nice, and his name was Gary.

Wait.

“Shit, what if Alice meets Gary? I’m pretty sure she’s tall enough to kick him in the dick now!”

Spock blinked as Bones choked on his own spit, devolving into incredulous laughter a second later.

“Bones, I’m serious! Alice is my mom’s granddaughter through and through, and I had to do a  _ lot  _ of damage control so she didn’t smash Gary’s head in with a baseball bat!”

That only seemed to make Bones laugh  _ harder.  _ Meanwhile, Spock’s left eyebrow had risen to meet the other.

“Fascinating. Still, if you do not wish to have intercourse with Dr. Mitchell, then inform him of that when he asks.”

“Ah-hah, see, no, that’s, that’s not gonna work. It’ll just turn out like all the other times, cause...” Jim sighed, looking at his feet. “Well... everyone’s got a soft spot for their first love, right?”

Bones abruptly stopped laughing, staying quiet for a moment before sighing softly.

“Aw, kid...”

“I know, it’s... it’s dumb, but I... there’s just something about him that I can’t resist. I don’t even  _ like  _ him, but...”

“Illogical.”

Jim blinked, looking back at Spock. His first officer had gone stone-faced, the perfect picture of Vulcan stoicism.

Something in Jim’s stomach twisted at the sight.

“Spock...?”

Spock blinked before his eyes softened a fractional amount.

“It... it is illogical to repeatedly engage in intercourse with someone you have no positive regard for, even if you once did.”

Jim smiled sheepishly.

“Yeah, I... look, so long as I hide in here and Gary never finds out where I am-!”

As it turned out, Jim might have been tempting fate with that statement, as it was just then that the door to the medbay opened.

“There you are!”

Jim most certainly did  _ not  _ squeak, regardless of what Bones claimed later.

“G... Gary!”

Gary smiled, and Jim’s heart started racing like it was running a marathon.

“You’re a hard man to find, Jim. If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were hiding from me.”

Jim laughed nervously, trying not to duck behind the curtains.

“What? No, of course not! I, I just, well, I’m the captain of this ship, so I’ve got a lot of stuff demanding my attention!”

“Really? Cause your first officer told me that you’re on medical leave right now.”

Dammit, Spock. Jim glared at him quickly, then grinned at Gary.

“Uh, well, that... I, I still have, y’know, paperwork to... do...” Jim trailed off, noticing for the first time just how close Gary had gotten to him. 

“Well, I’m sure you can find a little time to catch up with an old friend, right?”

Jim swallowed, entirely certain of just what Gary  _ really  _ meant when he said “catch up.”

“U-Um... well... I-!”

“Dr. Mitchell,” Spock suddenly interrupted, his face completely neutral. “I apologize for interrupting, but because you departed from the transporter room so abruptly, I was unable to inform you of an important matter.”

Jim blinked, then stared as Spock stepped closer to him and pressed two of his fingers to his. He heard Bones choke on his own spit again for some reason.

Gary’s eyes went wide.

“Oh... oh! Oh, you mean...? Er, I’m, I’m sorry, Mr. Spock, I didn’t realize...”

“That is obvious.”

Gary laughed nervously as he took a step back, eyeing Jim.

“Well... I guess, I guess we’ll just have to talk later, then, huh, Jim?”

“... Uh... y-yeah, I guess...” Jim tried not to wince at how dumb he sounded, though in his defense he was a little distracted by how nice Spock’s fingers felt pressed against his.

No, not just nice- it felt  _ natural.  _ As if he should have been touching him like this all along.

Unfortunately, once Gary left, Spock removed his hand, and Jim barely resisted the urge to reach out and grab it again.

“Um... thanks, Spock, although I... I really don’t know what you did to get Gary to back off like that.”

To his surprise, Spock  _ blushed,  _ and Jim suddenly remembered that that shade of green was his favorite color.

“Ah, I... I must apologize, Jim.”

“Eh? For what?”

“In... in order to convince Dr. Mitchell to cease pursuing sexual relations with you, I... I may have had to mislead him on the nature of our relationship.” He held up two fingers- the same two he’d pressed against Jim’s. “The gesture we engaged in is called the  _ ozh’esta,  _ or finger embrace. Among Vulcans, it... it is an acceptable form of affection between bonded pairs.”

Jim blinked.

Then blinked again.

Then promptly turned the exact color of a tomato.

“W... Wait, you... you implied that you and I are  _ dating?!” _

Spock looked extremely uncomfortable.

“That... that is not entirely accurate. A bonded pair is... is closer to a married couple in Vulcan culture and law.”

Jim was a little shocked that he was able to blush even more.

“M...  _ Married?!” _

“Again, I apologize, Jim, I... it was the only believable option I could think of in the moment.”

Jim swallowed, trying not to dwell too much on the fact that Spock apparently thought the idea of them being married wasn’t the most far-fetched thing  _ ever. _

“It’s... it’s okay, Spock, um... I guess you did kinda save me from making that mistake for a seventh time, but... well... in my experience, Gary’s never really been one to respect the boundaries of relationships.” Jim snorted. “His or anyone else’s.”

“I do not believe that will be an issue, Jim. Dr. Mitchell appears to be fairly familiar with the nature of Vulcan culture, and as such, he should be quite aware of one thing in particular.”

Jim blinked.

“And... what’s that?”

If Jim didn’t know better, he’d say that Spock  _ smirked  _ as he took a step towards him and leaned in.

“With few exceptions, Vulcans do  _ not _ share.”

Jim blinked, then felt himself go even redder as Spock walked away, his knees going weak as he gripped at the curtains to steady himself.

“Bones, I swear to god, if you don’t stop laughing you’re  _ fired.” _

 

* * *

 

Spock knew, logically, that he should not be teasing his amnesiac mate like this. He might be aware of the true nature of their relationship, but Jim was not, and was currently in the depths of a repeat of his early infatuation with Spock. It was not entirely fair to him.

On the other hand, at this point in their relationship, it was very difficult for Spock to purposely cause his mate to become so flustered. 

And, well.

Spock could not deny that the way that Jim blushed and stammered  _ was  _ somewhat adorable. Whenever Jim had exhibited this behavior prior to the commencement of their romantic relationship, Spock was mostly confused and concerned about his blood pressure, but now that he knew that Jim had simply been smitten (and in some cases, highly aroused), well... it was somewhat enticing to see him this way.

And so perhaps-  _ perhaps-  _ he had been a bit more... suggestive in his speech and actions than strictly necessary throughout the day. Instead of saying “Vulcans do not share,” for example, he could have said that “in most cases, monogamy is highly valued amongst Vulcans.” He also did not need to lean in when he informed Jim of that reality.

However, Spock also knew that Jim found whatever small displays of possessiveness he was unable to control to be either highly amusing or extremely arousing, depending on the context, and... well, it was not as though his mate had never teased him before. 

Therefore, if Jim objected when he remembered, Spock could simply remind him of all the instances when Jim purposely ate sticky foods with his fingers in front of him. This, as Jim would call it, was simply “payback.”

At least, that was how Spock justified it to himself when he “accidentally” directed Jim to the gym whilst he was practicing his forms, wearing the regulation workout pants that Jim had informed him accentuated his posterior in a pleasing manner.

From the way his mate stared, he was certain that this was still the case.

“Are you well, Jim?” Spock asked, as if he did not know exactly what was going through Jim’s mind even while he was still shielding him. “You seem... distracted.”

“... Uh.” Jim blinked, blushing even more before clearing his throat. “I. Um. I-I’m, I’m fine, Spock. Just, y’know... Gary.”

Spock resisted the urge to growl at the mention of his mate’s former lover.

“Has he not left you alone?”

“I, I mean, kinda? He’s, y’know, he’s being less blatant about it than he usually would be, but... yeah. I think- I think it’s probably a good idea if I keep from being alone with him, and Bones told me he had real work to do so he won’t let me hide out in sickbay anymore. I can’t bug Alice, either, cause I’ve managed to keep her and Gary from meeting and I’d like to keep that up.”

“I see.” Spock resumed his fighting stance. “And so you decided that I am your best option to keep Dr. Mitchell at bay?”

“Yeah-! Wait, no, not like... I-I like spending time with you Spock, it’s not just that I’m-!”

“Jim,” Spock stated simply, quirking an eyebrow and allowing himself to show his amusement.

Jim blinked, then slowly started to grin, seeming incredulous.

“W... Wait, were you just  _ teasing  _ me?”

“Perhaps,” Spock replied as he returned yet again to practicing. He turned on his heel in a high kick, knowing full well that this would give Jim a very good view of his posterior. He heard his mate’s breath hitch, smirking to himself.

He could call this payback for the red tights Jim often wore while exercising.

“I... uh. I don’t remember that being a c-common occurrence between us.”

“What memories have you gained since we last spoke?” Spock asked as he turned, noting just how red his mate had turned, as well as the odd way that his legs were crossed.

“Uh... um. I.” Jim cleared his throat. “The... the last thing I remember is... uh... Scotty... Scotty snuck on board somewhere?”

Spock froze, all desire to tease his mate draining out of him in an instant.

“... Where?”

“Huh?”

“Where did Mr. Scott sneak aboard?”

“Uh, I think it was... it was a ship called the  _ Vengeance?  _ And there was this dude named Khan...”

Spock’s stomach twisted. At the rate Jim was recalling things, it would not be long before he remembered...

Before he remembered the rest of the Khan incident. Before he remembered what he had done to save them all.

“What? Spock, why are you looking at me like that?”

“I...” Spock swallowed, then took a breath before walking towards his mate. “Dr. McCoy instructed me not to remind you of anything, but this is... I believe that it would be logical to prepare you for what you remember next.”

Jim blinked, then shrunk back a bit.

“Spock, uh... you’re kinda scaring me, buddy.”

“I do not mean to, but what you remember next... you must remember. What happened after the  _ Vengeance _ was not permanent, and you are here now.” Spock could not resist the urge to put his hand on top of Jim’s. “You are fine. You are going to be fine.”

“Spock, what the hell are you-!” Jim suddenly winced, then stilled. Slowly, he went pale, as pale as he had been on the other side of...

Spock was still shielding him, but he knew exactly what Jim was remembering now.

“Jim. Jim, it is in the past, you are alright,” Spock tried, bringing a hand to Jim’s cheek to still him. As it turned out, this was a mistake, as the sheer intensity of Jim’s emotional turmoil was enough to blast Spock’s shields to pieces.

_ No no no no no no I don’t wanna die please I don’t wanna die I’m scared it hurts I need to go home need to get back to Alice need to tell Spock how I feel I don’t wanna die I don’t wanna die save me save me save me-! _

_ “Ashayam,”  _ Spock breathed as he moved his other hand to Jim’s shoulder. “Jim, it is alright, you are safe. I am here.”

_ I can’t breathe I can’t breathe it hurts it feels like my insides are melting help me I don’t wanna die please please please-! _

Spock could not bear to see his mate in pain like this. Not again. 

Jim would understand, he would understand completely once he regained his memories.

At least, that is how Spock justified it to himself before he initiated a light meld.

“My thoughts to your thoughts...”

Jim gasped quietly, and he slowly started to calm down as Spock took his pain from him, the color returning to his face.

Still, he was unsurprised that his mate passed out in his arms once it was over.

_ “Ka’i,”  _ he murmured, jostling Jim around until he was able to carry him. He pressed a kiss to his forehead.  _ “Ka’i, ashayam, dungi-palutunau nash-veh tu.” _

Jim sighed, his breathing steady now.

_ “Kwon-sum,”  _ Spock finished quietly before carrying Jim to the medbay.

 

* * *

 

**2261.270**

Jim had two things when he woke up- a headache, and the rest of his memories from the past year and a half.

The headache was slightly more pressing, as for the first minute, he forgot how he’d been a partial amnesiac for the past two days. In fact, until he saw his boyfriend asleep in a chair next to him, he’d pretty much forgotten all about it.

Forgotten about being an amnesiac. Now  _ that  _ had to be some kind of irony. Jim laughed, which was enough to wake up Spock. His boyfriend blinked, his eyes lighting up when he saw him.

And, well. Jim just couldn’t resist the urge to tease him.

“I’m... I’m sorry, but... who are you?”

Spock blinked, his face falling almost imperceptibly.

Which was when Jim couldn’t help but burst into giggles.

“Oh, the look on your face! God, sweetheart, that was  _ priceless! _ ”

He could very literally  _ feel  _ his boyfriend mentally roll his eyes, and he laughed again just before Spock’s arms wrapped around him, a pair of cool lips pressing into his hair.

_ “Ha’tha ti’lu, t’hy’la,”  _ Spock murmured into his ear. Jim grinned, pulling him around for a proper kiss.

“Morning, babe.” He grinned even more. “Happy anniversary.”

Spock’s eyes were warm and bright.

“I am pleased that you regained your memory in time, Jim.”

Jim snorted, poking him in the chest.

“Yeah, sure. What was with all that teasing? I swear, it was like you were trying to see how long a Human can sustain a boner before the damn thing breaks off!”

“I do not believe that is possible, and in any case, it is not something I would wish to happen to you.” Spock’s eyes flickered with amusement. “I rather enjoy your genitals where they are presently.”

Jim blinked, then felt himself blush from head to toe.

“You... I swear you’re trying to kill me, mister.”

“That is the opposite of what I wish to do, dear one.” Spock kissed him again. “But I should remind you, you insist on teasing me all the time.”

“What? No I don’t-!”

“The toffee incident.”

“I-! Okay, maybe-!”

“Your red pants.”

“Well, they’re regulation-! Alright, fine, so I might have been-!”

“And shall I list all of the times you have taken my hand in public and-!”

Jim groaned, leaning forward and planting one on Spock just to shut him up.

“Fine, fine, turnabout is fair play, I get it.” He pouted. “But y’know, I never left you wanting after teasing you.”

Spock hummed.

“Odd.”

“What?”

“It is entirely possible that I am wrong, though I doubt it, but...” Spock suddenly pushed him, pinning him to the bed. “I do not recall ever stating that I would not help you resolve any arousal I caused.”

Jim blinked, then grinned when Spock released him, wrapping his arms around his neck and pulling him flush against him before his lips were captured by Spock’s.

And that was when the curtain was pulled back.

“Well, look who’s back to- seriously? In my sickbay?”

Jim squawked, then grinned sheepishly as Spock got off of him.

“Ah-heh. It’s our anniversary...?”

Bones gave him a hard look.

“I don’t care if it’s your wedding night, no canoodling in my sickbay!”

“I am certain that Nurse Chapel will be surprised to hear that,” Spock responded, somehow the picture of Vulcan stoicism despite having just been caught on top of him.

Bones turned a very interesting shade of crimson before squaring his shoulders and pointing straight at the door.

“Alright, that’s it, out! Both of you, scram!”

“Aw, but Bones, don’t you want to, I don’t know, check me over-!”

“You’re fine, dumbass, I checked while you were out, now get!”

“But shouldn’t you-!”

_ “Would you get out of here!” _

Jim laughed, hopping out of the biobed and following his boyfriend out.

“How’d you even know about that? I know you don’t gossip.”

“I do not engage in gossip, no, but that does not mean I do not overhear others gossiping.” Spock arched an eyebrow. “Starfleet regulations would usually call for the CMO to be reprimanded for that kind of behavior.”

Jim shrugged.

“Considering what you and I did in my ready room last week, I really don’t think we have room to talk.”

Spock turned a very pretty shade of green, and Jim laughed, shaking his head before pressing a kiss to Spock’s cheek.

Then he grimaced.

“Jesus, when’s the last time you showered?”

“Yesterday morning at 0500 hours.”

“What?! Spock!”

“In my defense, I did mean to shower after exercising, but I...” He blushed again. “I was worried.”

Jim felt his expression soften.

“Aw, Spock... look, that’s very sweet, but you also smell like a wet dog. Go shower while I call up the brass and tell them my noggin’s back to normal, and then...”

Spock turned even greener as Jim thought about what they’d do after, and he nodded, pressing a kiss to Jim’s forehead before all but sprinting towards the lift. Jim laughed, shaking his head before turning and walking towards the lift on the other end of the floor.

Unfortunately, that elevator happened to be occupied by a certain someone.

“Oh, Jim, hey! I heard that you passed out, everything okay?”

Jim resisted the urge to roll his eyes as he got into the lift with Gary.

“Yeah, I’m fine. Just going to inform Command that I’m okay, and then I’m off for the day.”

Gary’s grin very quickly turned into a smirk as he took a step towards Jim.

“Really. Well, if you aren’t busy...”

The smirk on Gary’s face had been Jim’s undoing more than once. It would make him weak in the knees, turn his brain to mush, and toss his common sense straight out the window.

Or at least, it did before he met his soulmate.

“Actually, I am busy. It happens to be my anniversary, and once I’m done with this, I’m spending it with my husband.” 

It wasn’t a total lie- he  _ did _ plan on spending the rest of his life with Spock after all. And they  _ were  _ married according to Vulcan law, just... not in the “had a fancy ceremony” way.

But Gary didn’t need to know that.

Especially after the way he snorted.

“Right, your first officer... can’t believe you actually married a guy who can only get it up every seven years, man. With your libido, you must be  _ miserable.” _

Jim rolled his eyes.

“Not that it’s any of your business, but that’s not actually true. He  _ has  _ to every seven years, but he’s perfectly capable of having sex in the meantime if he wants.” Jim managed to keep the part where he thought about how, despite the fact that Spock was a virgin when they first started, he liked having sex with him a  _ lot  _ more than he’d ever liked having sex with Gary. 

Because even though it was true, poor Spock might just turn into a Vulcan puddle if he discussed their sex life with anyone else, outside of the tiny bits he threw out to fuck with Bones.

Although the way Gary snorted again kind of made him want to describe the amazing feeling that was melding during sex.

“Right, cause that walking computer totally looks like the type that can keep up with you. Or even  _ wants  _ to.”

Christ. Why did he ever like this guy again?

“Again, that’s  _ none  _ of your business-!”

Gary’s hand was on his shoulder now, and Jim immediately shut his mouth to keep from saying something he’d regret.

“I only bring it up out of...  _ concern,  _ Jim. I know they’re still rebuilding, but I’ve heard about how Vulcans are about relationships. Surely a guy like that can’t be enough for you... and I still remember how  _ good  _ it was with us...”

Jim remembered too. It had been wild, rough,  _ filthy  _ fucking anywhere and everywhere, and Gary had been the one to introduce him to more than a few kinks, taught him how to give a  _ killer _ blowjob and how to get certain stains out of clothes in just a few minutes...

But Gary also taught him not to trust someone with his heart. That he was better off never committing to anyone, something that had stuck with him even after Alice, that had made him thought he was unlovable that way until...

Until Spock, really.

Jim eyed Gary’s hand, then looked ahead, brushing him off his shoulder.

“Yeah, it was. And if you’d kept it in your pants, then maybe it still would be.”

Out of the corner of his eye, he saw Gary’s confused expression.

“Jim?”

“S’funny, I... I was so,  _ so  _ crazy about you, Gary. I thought I was gonna spend the rest of my life with you, and... and now I don’t even remember why I  _ liked  _ you. You haven’t grown up at  _ all,  _ have you?”

Now Gary looked indignant.

“Hey, I-!”

“No, I know you haven’t. Cause if you’d actually thought at all about what you did to me, then you’d never even try to ask. Especially when you know that I’m married, to someone that unlike you, knows what the word  _ only  _ means.” He turned his head, smirking wryly at Gary. “And by the way? The sex is  _ excellent.  _ In fact, when I’m done with this, I think I’ll go have some more of it. Have a good day, Dr. Mitchell.”

With that, Jim stepped out of the lift, resisting the urge to turn and flip Gary off.

 

* * *

 

“You know,” Jim started once he’d recovered from... round four, he was pretty sure, “I don’t think I’ve ever been with someone with more chest hair than me.”

Spock arched an eyebrow, somehow looking quite Vulcan-y despite the fact that he was almost entirely the color of a lime and his hair was sticking up all over the place.

“Vulcans are generally quite hirsute,  _ ashayam.  _ Due to our lower body temperature, we evolved to have a heavier amount of body hair in order to keep ourselves warm.”

“Yeah, I know. First time I saw Alice’s mom’s legs I was a little stunned.” Jim grinned. “Nevermind that bush, I thought I was gonna get lost in it when I went down on her.”

The eyebrow arched higher.

“By ‘bush,’ I assume you are referring to T’Vin’s pubic hair?”

“Yeah, that’s-! Aw, really? You mean talking about T’Vin doesn’t tick you off anymore?”

“We have been dating for over a year, Jim.”

Jim pouted.

“Well, now it’s not fun anymore!”

Spock- physically this time- rolled his eyes, then sat up.

“Hey, where are you going?” Jim asked as Spock got out of bed. “Come on, it was just a joke! I’m sorry-!”

“I am not upset,  _ t’hy’la,”  _ Spock replied, sounding somewhat amused. “I am simply retrieving something for you.”

“For me?”

“Yes. It is a gift.” Spock climbed back into bed after a moment, holding out a small box. 

“Aw, sweetheart, you didn’t have to get me anything!” Jim said as he took the box. “And I mean it this time, I’m not hiding another sweater.”

Which was true. He may have been working on a hat, but that wasn’t an anniversary gift, he just didn’t want Spock’s ears to get cold when they were on ice planets.

“I am aware, since you informed me you did not want a gift. I was not going to get you anything, but...” Spock flushed a bit, clearing his throat. “It will be easier to explain once you see it.”

Jim arched an eyebrow, then opened the box, blinking when he saw the gift.

“A... a necklace?” Jim asked, holding it up. “I’m not really that much of a jewelry kinda guy, Spock...”

“I know, but...” Spock blushed again. “This... this necklace belonged to my mother. It was given to her by my father during their courtship.”

Jim blinked again, then felt his heart start to melt.

“Oh,  _ Spock...  _ when did she give you this?”

“Shortly before we left New Vulcan after taking Sybok there. She instructed me to give it to you, and I... I felt that this was a good time to...”

Spock was fidgeting a bit, and Jim smiled, leaning in and kissing him.

“Help me put it on?”

Spock blinked, then smiled just a little, instructing Jim to turn around and helping him put on the amulet. He grinned, then frowned as he studied the turquoise mineral on the end.

“You know, it’s weird, but... I can’t help but think I’ve seen this before.”

_ “Vokaya  _ was a mineral indigenous to Vulcan-that-was,  _ ashayam.  _ In addition, my mother stopped wearing this necklace after my father’s passing, so I do not know how you would have seen it on her.”

“No, I don’t think that’s...” Jim blinked. “Wait... actually, I think I have seen it, but not... not in the past.”

“Jim?”

Jim turned to him, smiling a little.

“Spock, I’m pretty sure I saw this necklace on Lukara. Grown-up Lukara, I mean.”

Spock blinked. 

“Alice’s wife? Are you certain?”

“Positive.” Jim laughed a little, leaning onto his boyfriend’s shoulder. “I must have given it to her to give to Lukara at some point... she’s growing up so fast.”

“She is growing up at a normal rate-!”

“Spock.”

Spock sighed, wrapping his arms around Jim.

“I am aware of what you meant,  _ t’hy’la.  _ I must admit, I... occasionally I wish that she would remain young just a little longer...”

Jim laughed, the sound a little wetter than he would have liked.

“Yeah, but... but fathers have to learn that daughters have to grow up sometime, right? And if you really love her, then... then you have to let her go.”

“That is still a long time off for us, Jim. She is still but a child, even if she grows more independent each day.”

Jim looked up at Spock, his eyes a little blurry.

“I know, but... if I could make time stop, I would. If she could stay a little girl forever...”

Spock hushed him, rubbing his back gently.

“I know,  _ ashayam.” _

Jim swallowed, a bittersweet smile on his face.

“Yeah... if only...”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's still Friday here, I'm not late!  
> Anyway, that wraps it up for the episode reboots- I really just did "Requiem for Methuselah" because I wanted to write Jim and Spock dancing, but I had more of a purpose for "The Way to Eden-" namely, because DC Fontana's original script for that episode was titled "Joanna."  
> That's right, the original script was about Bones and his hippie daughter. Further proof that we are in the darkest timeline- we didn't get that episode. Or the fourth season, where she would have appeared in the flesh- instead, we get a mention of her in TAS' "The Survivor" and that's it. Idea for ST4- fire Tarantino, then make the movie about Bones and his hippie daughter.  
> I will also take a movie not about them, just fire Tarantino. Please. He's awful. 
> 
> Guest Starring:  
> Flint- Tommy Lee Jones  
> Rayna- Carey Mulligan  
> Joanna McCoy- Malina Weissman  
> Dr. Sevrin- JK Simmons  
> Gary Mitchell- Joel McHale
> 
> Vulcan to English:  
> Ka'i- I'm right here  
> Dungi-palutunau nash-veh tu- I will care for you (sorta- "dungi-" in conjunction with "nash-veh" and another word means "I will x," while "palutunau" means "care for," and "tu" means "you." I did my best to follow Vulcan sentence structure as shown by the VLD, but I have no idea if that's even close to right)  
> Kwon-sum- always  
> Ha'tha ti'lu- good morning
> 
> That's it for this chapter! Next chapter is Beyond, which is moved up a year here because... because the third season isn't great, okay, and then finally the epilogue! Thanks for sticking with me this far, guys!
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!


	12. Chapter 12

**2262.04**

“My name is Captain James Tiberius Kirk of the United Federation of Planets. I’m appearing before you as a neutral representative of the Fibonan Republic. I bring you a message of goodwill, and present to you, the esteemed members of the Teenaxi Delegation, a gift from the Fibonan High Council with the highest regard.”

Jim pulled the casing apart, showing them the little disc-thing the Fibonans had given him.

“What’s wrong with it?” 

Jim blinked.

“Uh... excuse me?”

“Why don’t they want it anymore?”

“Uh... well, this was once a piece of an ancient weapon, and now they offer it as a symbol of... of peace.”

He heard some of the Teenaxi growl suspiciously.

“In the Fibonan culture, to surrender a weapon is an offer of truce,” he tried.

“How did they come by it?”

“They told me they acquired it a long time ago.”

“So they stole it, then!”

Jim resisted the urge to groan.

“No, they, uh... well, I don’t know-!”

“You don’t know the Fibonans like we do!”

“Y-Yeah, well, that’s, that’s very true, Your Excellency, but this gift-!”

“They’re a crowd of untrustworthy thieves who want to see us murdered in our own beds!”

“This beloved artifact is a symbol of trust and peace-!”

“They want to chop us into pieces and roast us over a fire!”

He was starting to flashback to arguing with a two-year-old Alice.

“No, no, I don’t think that’s true-!”

“And  _ eat us!” _

Jim blinked.

“What are you  _ talking  _ about-?”

The leader suddenly let out an angry cry, and Jim braced himself for a fight...

Only to stumble back when he realized that the Teenaxi were about three tribbles tall.

Although what they lacked in size, they made up for in tenacity, numbers, and  _ very sharp claws.  _ Two were still clinging to him when he was beamed up, though they were thankfully quickly subdued by security. Jim let out a sigh, picking up his boot as he walked away.

“Ripped my shirt again,” he muttered.

“How’d it go?” Scotty asked, as if it wasn’t obvious. Jim glared at him, then sighed yet again as he left the transporter room.

“Captain, did you manage to broker a treaty with the Teenaxi?” Spock asked, as if he didn’t already know.

“Uh... let’s just say I came up short.” He tossed what was in his hands at his boyfriend. “Will you, uh, log that and put it in the vault?”

“If that is what you wish, sir, but I am unclear as to the purpose of cataloging your left boot.”

Jim blinked, then looked down at his hands and realized the disc was still in his hand.

“Oops. Sorry, babe. Trade ya?”

Spock’s eyes glittered with amusement as he took the disc and returned the boot, and he squeezed Jim’s hand before walking away.

“Jim, ya look like crap.”

Jim sighed.

“Thanks, Bones, very helpful.”

“Ya got that little vein popping out of your temple again. You okay?”

“Oh, never better. Just... just another day in the fleet.”

Bones huffed as Jim walked into his quarters, but thankfully didn’t say anything. Jim let out a groan once the doors closed, stripping out of his uniform top and tossing it in the pile of shirts he still had to mend. 

“Note to self- buy more gold thread at Yorktown,” he muttered just before his comm went off. He sighed, then blinked when he saw the visual request from his mother’s number. “Mom?”

_ “Hey, shortstack. Happy birthday!” _

Jim blinked.

“.... Oh, yeah, it’s my birthday.”

Well. That explained Spock waking him up with a blowjob this morning.

Although the answer was probably also “Spock likes giving me blowjobs,” so Jim could be forgiven for not thinking too much of it.

_ “Did you actually forget your birthday  _ again,  _ Jimmy?” _

“Gimme a break, I’ve been busy! I just got back from unsuccessfully brokering peace between plant people and a bunch of gremlins who think the plant people want to eat them!”

_ “Well, do they?” _

“The Fibonans don’t even have an actual digestive system, Mom.” Jim sighed, flopping into a chair. “I’m starting to feel like my life’s being divided into episodes or something...”

_ “Yeah, that’s the way it can feel that far out. At least you’ve got Spock and Alice, right?” _

Jim smiled.

“Well, yeah... honestly, I think I might succumb to space madness without them around.”

_ “Nah, you’d still have Leonard to keep ya company.”  _ Suddenly, the world around his mom turned red.  _ “Aw, goddammit, the nacelles are going loopy again...” _

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“Go save the Discovery, Ma. Love you.”

_ “Love you too, baby. Don’t work too hard, okay?” _

“You too. Bye.”

Jim sighed once she hung up, putting his comm away before going to retrieve another shirt, finding that the only ones he had left were the green wraparounds.

“The fatshirt?” Bones asked when he walked onto the bridge a little while later. “Really?”

“It’s not a fatshirt!” Jim argued. “It’s regulation, and very comfortable! Besides, I’m out of the regular kind of shirt.”

“That’s cause you can’t go ten minutes without ripping one.”

“I-!”

“Ten minutes is a bit of an inaccuracy, doctor,” Spock interrupted smoothly, not looking up from his station.

“Yeah, it is! Thank you, Spock-!”

“If you average the length of time it normally takes the captain to ruin a particular shirt, it would be more accurate to state that he cannot go forty-seven point three minutes without ripping his shirt.”

Jim blinked, glaring at his boyfriend as a wave of laughter rolled through the bridge.

_ And how many of my shirts have  _ you  _ been personally responsible for ripping, mister? _

The tips of Spock’s ears turned green.

_ No comment. _

_ Yeah, that’s what I thought. _

“Approaching Yorktown now, Captain,” Chekov informed him. 

Most of the bridge crew murmured appreciatively at the sight of the new, state-of-the-art Federation base floating in front of them.

Well, it was more like everyone except for Bones.

“What a damn monstrosity! Couldn’t we just rent some space on a planet?”

“Showing geographical favoritism among inducted Federation worlds could cause diplomatic tension,” Spock stated as he came to stand by Jim’s side. Jim smiled, holding out two fingers. Spock pressed his own against them, as he always did.

“Oh, you don’t think that looks tense? Looks like a damn snow globe in space just waiting to break!”

Jim rolled his eyes.

“I’m sure your hatred of Yorktown has nothing to do with the fact that Joss is down there waiting to pick up Jojo, right?”

Bones grumbled, crossing his arms.

“That’s the spirit, Bones.”

They parked about ten minutes later, and Jim was barely able to keep Alice from racing off the ship and onto the base.

“Alice! Buttercup, you don’t even know anything about this place!”

“Yes I do!” Alice protested. “I did all sorts of reading on it last night, Dad!”

“Well, you’re still eight and tiny!”

Alice pouted.

“I’m not  _ that  _ short, Dad!”

“It is true that Alice is of average height for a child her age,  _ ashayam,”  _ Spock commented.

Jim gave him a look.

“I meant that she’s  _ young, _ Spock-!”

“Excuse me, Commander Spock?”

Jim blinked, turning to the two older Vulcans in traditional dress.

“Yes?” Spock started.

“May we have a moment of your time?”

Jim could feel Spock’s confusion, and when his boyfriend turned to look at him, all he could do was shrug.

“We’ll meet you at the hotel later?”

“That is acceptable.” Spock held out two fingers, and Jim grinned as he pressed two of his own to Spock’s.  _ “Tahluk nash-veh k’dular.” _

“I cherish thee in return,” Jim replied, as he always did around other Vulcans. “See you soon, sweetheart.”

Spock’s ears turned green at the endearment, and he cleared his throat before following the two Vulcans away.

“I wonder what that was about,” Alice commented.

“Not sure. Must have been important, though-!”

“Daddy!” A tiny voice called. Jim grinned, turning just in time to see Sulu get mowed down by a very determined four-year-old. Ben was laughing as he approached them, and he put an arm around Sulu once he was able to stand up, Demora happily chattering away in his arms.

“Aw...” Alice cooed. “Demora’s so cute, isn’t she?”

“Yeah...” Jim grinned again, a thought coming to him. “Hey, buttercup?”

“Yeah, Dad?”

“How would you feel about getting a little sibling?”

Alice blinked, staring at him for a second before her eyes went wide and she gasped.

“You mean it?!”

“Yeah, well, not right now, but y’know, me and your Papa have been talking. There’s this new technology that allows couples to combine their DNA to oof!”

Alice had all but crushed him in a hug before he could finish that sentence.

“Thankyouthankyouthankyou!”

Jim laughed, ruffling his daughter’s hair.

“Hey, this is just as much for us as it is for you. And your grandma, she’s never gotten to have a grandkid that’s a baby before.”

Alice giggled as she let Jim go, bouncing up and down.

“You have to name it David if it’s a boy!”

Jim grinned, remembering the photo of the dark-haired quarter-Vulcan from the future.

“David, huh? I like that. David Kirk.”

“Why not S’Chn T’Gai David?”

“Well because-! Because David isn’t a Vulcan name.”

“Oh. Well, Selek is.”

Jim blinked.

“Selek?”

“Yeah. That’s the name the Ambassador uses, right? S’Chn T’Gai David Selek.”

Jim pursed his lips as they entered the shopping district.

“Hm... well, it does have a ring to it, but consider this- we name him David Leonard Kirk and make your Uncle Bones cry.”

Alice hummed thoughtfully.

“That’s a good point. He definitely  _ would  _ cry.”

Jim laughed, spinning his daughter around by the hand.

“Speaking of Bones, let’s go make sure he and Joss don’t cause a big scene and embarrass Jojo, yeah?”

“Good idea, Dad. I think they went to a sushi place, so they would be around a lot of knives.”

 

* * *

 

Jim looked up as the door to their bedroom in their hotel suite opened, smiling at his boyfriend.

“Hey, babe. You’ve been gone a while, what did the Vulcans want to talk about?”

Spock didn’t say anything, his gaze trained in front of him. Jim frowned, shutting the copy of  _ Oliver Twist  _ Spock had given him just before they left the ship and getting out of his chair.

“Hey, everything okay?”

“... I...” Spock’s voice was rough when he finally spoke, and Jim realized that his eyes were rimmed with green when he got close enough.

He’d been crying.

“Spock?” He started gently, putting his hands on Spock’s face. “Hey, hey, what’s the matter? Why have you been crying?”

The Vulcan stoicism finally broke, Spock’s face contorting slightly.

“Am... Ambassador Spock...”

“The Ambassador? What about him? What happened?”

Spock swallowed, taking ahold of Jim’s wrists and guiding them away from his face.

“... Ambassador Spock passed away this morning.”

Jim blinked, then felt his heart shatter.

“Wh... What? Spock, what happened?”

“He... yesterday afternoon, while he was with our... my mother and brother, he collapsed... it, it appears that he was suffering from a chronic pulmonary disease common to older Vulcans...”

“He... he was sick? For how long?”

“He... He was most likely aware of his condition prior to changing the timeline...” Spock’s eyes were damp again. “Our... my mother informed me that he awoke once shortly before he... he told her not to be upset, because... because I was still...”

Spock trailed off, and Jim hushed him, pulling him into his arms. His own throat was tight, and his eyes were blurry with tears. 

“I’m sorry,” he heard himself whisper. “Spock, I’m so,  _ so  _ sorry, I... I can’t imagine what you must be going through...”

Well. On some level, he could- he’d met his own counterpart while he was... comatose, but... 

“He... he was young...” Spock murmured, his voice thick with emotion. “V-Vulcans... Vulcans generally live up to two hundred years, but he was one hundred and sixty-two...”

“Spock... that’s, that’s pretty old for a Human, though, so...” Jim blinked, then felt a wave of guilt roll over him when he realized what he was saying. “N-Not that, I mean, I don’t mean to-!”

“I-I understand what you meant,  _ ashayam,  _ it... it does not alarm me. I have always been aware of the fact that I will most likely live longer than most Humans, but not as long as most Vulcans, due to my hybrid physiology...” Spock swallowed, pulling back a bit. “Still, I... I find the prospect of knowing just how long I will live to be...”

“Spock, hey, he... he wasn’t you, okay? I mean, he  _ was  _ you, but he wasn’t... you might live longer than he did.”

“I may also not... and he lived over fifty years without his Jim, I... the prospect of outliving you is...”

“Oh, Spock...” Jim pulled his boyfriend down, pressing a kiss to his forehead. “We don’t need to think about that right now, okay? Not for a long, long time.”

“I... I am sorry...”

“No, sweetheart, don’t be sorry. You just lost someone important to you, it’s... it’s normal to grieve, remember?” Jim smiled gently, then cleared his throat. “Is... is there a ceremony?”

“There... there will be, although I have not been given the details yet...”

“Okay, well-!”

Just then, Jim’s comm went off, and he grimaced as he decided to ignore it.

“You should not ignore it. It may be important.”

“This is important-!”

“Jim.”

Jim swallowed at the look in his boyfriend’s eyes, then sighed, walking over to the desk and grabbing his comm.

“This is Captain Kirk.”

About five minutes later, Jim sighed as he signed off, turning back to Spock.

“I’m... I’m sorry, honey, they need me at Yorktown HQ right away.”

“It is of no consequence,  _ ashayam.  _ I will inform Alice of the Ambassador’s passing.”

“Spock... are you sure you don’t want me here for that?”

“I do not believe it would be wise to delay the news.”

Jim swallowed, then smiled sadly, kissing Spock’s cheek before grabbing his jacket.

“I love you.”

“I love you in return. And, Jim?”

“Yeah?”

“You may want to return with strawberry ice cream.” Spock cleared his throat. “For... for Alice, of course.”

Jim blinked, then grinned.

“Yes, of course. For Alice.”

 

* * *

 

Jim smiled at his boyfriend as he entered the turbolift.

“How’s Alice doing?”

“As expected, she was quite distraught to learn of the Ambassador’s passing. She is also not very enthusiastic about returning to space after less than one day in Yorktown.”

Jim sighed, shaking his head.

“Well, we can’t just leave her in a hotel room by herself. We’ll be gone two days, max, and then straight back to Yorktown.”

“I explained this to her, but she did not seem any less unhappy about it.”

Jim snorted, leaning back against the lift.

Neither of them spoke for a moment, and Jim found his mind drifting back to Paris’ offer. He bit his lip, glancing at Spock briefly before clearing his throat.

“I was thinking-!”

“Perhaps there-!”

They both stopped, looking at each other for a moment.

“Uh... you go first.”

“After you, Jim. I insist.”

Jim swallowed, looking back down at his feet.

“I... well... after- after this mission, there’s, there’s something I want to talk to you about.”

“I as well have something to share.”

Jim blinked, looking back up at Spock.

“You do?”

“Yes, but I believe it should wait until after the mission.”

“I... yeah, I guess you’re right...” Jim cleared his throat. “We... we make a good team, right?”

“We have been romantically involved for-!”

“Not like that, although, yeah, but... I mean, we’re a good command team, right?”

Spock looked at him, then smiled just a little.

“I believe we do.”

Jim smiled back as the lift stopped, gesturing for Spock to leave first.

“I insist.”

He felt Spock roll his eyes mentally, grinning as his boyfriend left. 

Spock still seemed troubled, even as they entered the nebula. Jim kind of wanted to reach up and squeeze his hand, but somehow he felt like that wasn’t what Spock needed right now.

“This is Altamid,” Kalara informed them once they’d passed through the nebula. “My ship is stranded here.”

“Altamid registers as a Class-M planet, sir,” Spock informed him. “Massive subterranean development, but limited to no life forms on the surface-!”

“Proximity alert, sir!” Chekov interrupted. “We have an unknown ship heading right for us!”

The next twenty minutes were a blur of movement and panic, with some explosions because  _ of course there were,  _ and eventually, Jim had to activate emergency procedures. Spock called him up at some point, telling him that there was an intruder on board in the vault, but got cut off before he could tell him anything else. Jim went after him with Nyota, Carol, and Chekov, but it was clear that they weren’t getting out of this with the ship intact.

“Daddy!”

Jim’s heart stopped, and he turned and ran over to Alice, pulling her into a hug.

“Buttercup!”

“Daddy, what’s going on? What’s happening?”

Jim bit his lip, then motioned for the other three to come over before kneeling down.

“Alice, I need you to do me a big favor. I need you to go with Nyota and Carol and get off the ship.”

Alice’s eyes widened.

“What? Daddy-!”

“Alice, it’s not safe here. I need you to be safe, okay?”

“But- but what about you and Papa?”

Jim grit his teeth, then froze for a second before reaching up and pulling the necklace out from under his shirt. He took it off, then put it on his daughter.

“This is something your Papa gave me. His father gave it to your grandma, it’s very special. As long as you have it, we’ll always be with you, no matter what happens.”

Alice was tearing up, and Jim swallowed, pulling her into a hug.

“Daddy, I’m... I’m scared...”

“I know, baby, I know. It’s okay, I’m... I’m scared too. But I need you to go, okay? I need you to get off this ship so you can be safe.” He pulled back, pressing a kiss to her forehead. “I love you, buttercup. I love you more than you could ever know...”

“Daddy...” Alice was crying now, and Jim resisted the urge to pull her close. “I-I love you too.”

Jim smiled sadly, then kissed her forehead one last time before standing up.

“Now go, okay? Run!”

Alice nodded, taking Nyota and Carol’s hands as they led her to the escape pods.

Jim swallowed again, trying not to break down at the feeling that he’d just seen his child for the last time as he started running again.

 

* * *

 

**2262.05**

“Jesus Christ tapdancing with yellow penguins.”

Spock huffed as he tried to crawl out of the swarm craft, the shrapnel in his side making his brain numb with shock.

“I... I do not understand why or how the Biblical figure regarded by a major Terran religion as the Messiah would be performing a form of dance characterized by, by sound with discolored-!”

“Would you shut up?” McCoy grumbled as he helped Spock out of the craft, pulling his arm over his shoulder to support him. “Sit down over here.”

McCoy ended up laying him down on the hull of the craft, and all Spock could do was pant, his limbs feeling inordinately heavy.

“Okay. Now just, uh, just try and relax, you’re gonna be fine.”

“Th- The forced optimism in your voice suggests that you are trying to elicit a sense of calm in order to-!”

“Okay, fine, I’ll cut the horseshit!”

Spock looked up as best he could, arching an eyebrow.

“Doctor, I f-fail to see how, how excrement of any kind bears relevance to our current situation.” He sat up, putting a hand on McCoy’s shoulder to support himself as he tried to stand.

“Whoa, now, what the  _ fuck  _ are you doing?!”

“We- we must keep moving, doctor-!”

“Spock, this thing’s punctured your iliac region!”

Spock huffed, flopping back onto the craft.

“Time, time is a critical factor.”

“That’s exactly what I’m trying to tell you! Look, if I can’t take this thing out, you’re gonna die, okay? If I take it out and I can’t stop the bleeding, you’re gonna die.”

“... I can see no appeal to either option.”

“Yeah, no shit.” McCoy walked into the river, searching for something. “Now, if I remember correctly, the, uh, the Vulcan heart is where Humans have their livers, right?”

“That, that is correct, doctor.”

McCoy grunted as he pulled something out of the water, kneeling down and pulling at the hatch of the craft.

“You’re one lucky sonuvabitch, ya know that? One inch to the left, and I woulda had to tell Jim and Alice that-!” He fell back as the hatch broke. “Well, let’s just say I, I wouldn’t be looking forward to it.”

“I-Indeed.”

“I just don’t get it, Spock. I mean, what did they attack us for? They do all this for some doodad those gremlin fuckers didn’t want?”

“It, it is unwise to trivialize that which one simply does not understand, doctor. We can... can safely assume that it is more important than a ‘doodad.’”

McCoy sighed as he ceased hitting the intruder’s weapon with a rock.

“Think you just managed to insult me twice, Spock,” he commented as he turned the weapon on, using the beam to superheat a piece of metal. “Okay. Alright, Spock, I got just one question- what’s your favorite color?”

Spock blinked.

“It is blue, although I fail to see the relevance-!”

It was at that point that McCoy yanked out the shrapnel. Spock heard himself scream as the doctor cauterized the wound with the metal, the sound echoing around the valley.

“Christ, now I’m  _ really  _ glad that Jim had Scotty soundproof both of your quarters. Sorry, Spock, they say it hurts less if it’s a surprise.”

Spock tried to glare at him, but it was difficult with how blurry his vision was.

“If... if I may adopt a parlance with which you are familiar, I can confirm your theory to be  _ horseshit.” _

McCoy blinked, then snorted before looking up at the sky.

“Shit. We gotta get out of here.” He once again moved to support Spock with his body. “Come on!”

Spock was uncertain of how long they were walking, but eventually they found a cave. 

“McCoy to Enterprise,” McCoy repeated into his comm unit unsuccessfully. Spock held his side as he stumbled along the walls of the cave entrance. “Hey, take it easy, Spock, that was just a temporary fix back there.”

“I understand, doctor...” Spock watched as wind blew out of the cave. “Fascinating.”

“Ominous. Dark. Dangerous.”

Spock gave him a look, then continued to stumble inside.

“Oh, so I guess we’re just gonna go in, then.”

As it turned out, it was not a cave at all, but a rather odd, hut-like structure. There were symbols etched into the walls that resembled those on the artifact, which Spock noted before the pain in his side forced him to collapse. He thought he might have heard McCoy curse, but he was unsure, as he was focused on shielding his family to his pain right up until he slipped into unconsciousness.

When he came to, McCoy was touching his face. He blinked, then removed his hands.

“I am entirely conscious, doctor. I am simply contemplating the nature of mortality.”

McCoy rolled his eyes as he sat down next to him.

“Feeling philosophical, huh? Massive blood loss will do that to ya.”

“It... it is not just that. I recently received some news that affected me unexpectedly.”

“... What news?”

“... Ambassador Spock has died.”

McCoy was silent for a moment.

“Spock, I’m... I’m so sorry... I can’t imagine what that must feel like.”

Spock’s eyes had begun to sting again, and he took a shaky breath.

“When... when you have lived as many lives as he, fear of death is illogical.”

“Fear of death is what keeps us alive.”

Spock was silent for a moment, contemplating that.

“... I want to live as he did. That... that is why I decided to redirect my efforts and continue his work on New Vulcan.”

McCoy blinked, his expression morphing into one of incredulity.

“You’re leaving Starfleet?”

Spock swallowed, then nodded as he looked away.

“... What did Jim have to say about that?”

“... I could not find the time to tell him. I... I cannot imagine that he will wish to go with me, but I... I know our future, and so I hoped that he would not wish to terminate our relationship despite the distance between us...”

McCoy snorted.

“Well, I can tell you he’s not gonna be thrilled about it, even if I can’t imagine he’ll dump you over this. Hell, I don’t know what he’d do without you. Me, on the other hand, I’d throw a party, but...”

A laugh bubbled up in Spock’s throat, and he was powerless to stop.

“Aw, shit, you’re getting delirious, aren’t you?”

“P-Perhaps...”

McCoy sighed, rolling his eyes.

“I finally get you to laugh, and it’s cause you’re bleeding out. Wonder what Jim’ll say to that when we find him again...”

 

* * *

 

Getting stuck in a hunk of... whatever this was wasn’t exactly Jim’s idea of a good time.

Then again, he’d been forced to send his daughter off in a Kelvin Pod before his ship blew up this morning, so none of this was really his idea of a good time.

“Captain?” Scotty asked as he peered around the corner, dropping the rock he was holding and walking past the woman with powder-white skin and facial markings.

“You know these men?”

“Aye, lassie,” Scotty confirmed as he climbed up the rocks. “That wee man there is Pavel Chekov.”

“Hello,” Chekov managed, waving as best he could while in the gunk.

“And that handsome bastard there is James T. Kirk. They’re my mates.” Scotty grinned up at him. “It’s good to see ya, sir.”

“Yeah, likewise. Can you please get us down now-?”

The woman did something to her stick thing, and before anyone could react she thrust it at them, breaking the gunk and making Jim and Chekov fall flat into the dirt.

“You’re free, James T.”

Jim grunted as he got up, eyeing the woman suspiciously.

“Who’s... who’s your new friend here? She sure knows how to throw out a welcome mat.”

“This is Jaylah.”

“I do not know what is a welcome mat,” Jaylah informed him.

“Uh, okay... you find anyone else?”

“No, sir. You can check if at least two of ‘em are alright, though, can’t ya? Mind, I’m still not totally clear on how that Vulcan telepathy business works.”

Jim sighed.

“Well, Alice is okay, but I can’t really get a lock on where she is, and she doesn’t seem to be able to hear my thoughts for some reason. Spock’s okay, but he’s too delirious to respond to me.”

Scotty grimaced.

“What the hell happened up there, Jim? Why were we attacked?”

“They were after the artifact we brought back from Teenax.”

“Did they get it?”

“No.”

“Have you got it?”

“No, I... I had to get it off the Enterprise, I put in on a shuttle.”

“You hid it in a shuttle.”

“Yes.” Jim paused. “And no.”

Scotty looked confused, but seemed too tired to push him on it, and instead he and Jaylah led him back to Jaylah’s hideout.

“This is the USS Franklin, sir, can you believe it?”

“Yeah, I... my mom never shut up about this thing when I was a kid. First ship capable of warp four, right?”

“Aye, sir. Disappeared in the early 2160’s, along with its captain and crew.”

“Captain Balthazar Edison,” Jim commented. “One of Starfleet’s first heroes. How’d his ship end up out here?”

“Well, there are lots of theories. Surrendered to the Romulans, captured by a giant green hand in space...”

“Hand- wait, isn’t that what happened to us that one time with the Greek god planet?”

Scotty shrugged.

“Don’t see a reason why it could only have happened once. Still, this far out, it’s gotta be a wormhole displacement.”

“Can she fly?”

“She’s missing a few parts, sir, but Jaylah’s done a marvelous job of getting the ship’s systems back online.”

“Thank you, Montgomery Scotty,” Jaylah replied as she took the captain’s chair, just before Jim could sit in it.

“He likes that seat,” he heard Scotty whisper as he told Chekov to try and get a lock on the crew’s location.

“Mr. Scott, a tour?”

“Ah, yes. Mess hall’s all set up, sir, so we’ve got that going...”

They eventually made their way to the officer’s lounge, where there were some tapes of the crew. To his delight, Jim also discovered a motorcycle similar to the one his mom said his dad had when they were kids. He reflected on that a moment before asking just how no one ever saw this damn thing all these years, which then lead to a new realization.

Namely, that Jaylah was a self-taught engineering  _ genius.  _ Somehow, she’d managed to rig up image refractors all by herself, covering the ship in a holographic disguise. Jim would have liked to have more time to ask her just how she did it, and maybe offer her a place in Starfleet if they made it out of this, but before he could, Chekov popped up to tell him he’d found something.

Twenty minutes later, Spock was in front of him.

“Jim,” Spock breathed, holding his side as he stumbled towards him. Jim ran to catch him before he could fall to the ground, grabbing him and holding him steady.

“Hey, hey, take it easy, okay? I’m happy to see you too, but you look like hell.”

“Considering what I have been through in the past twelve hours, that is unsurprising.” Spock winced just as Bones rematerialized. “However, I am functioning adequately.”

“Yeah, in a pig’s eye!” Bones snapped. “You know what happened, Jim? He lost so much blood, he got delirious and started  _ laughing!  _ At something  _ I  _ said!”

“Wh- Spock, sweetheart, maybe you should lie down...”

Spock shook his head.

“Jim, we discovered that the stolen artifact appears to have come from this plan... et...” Spock groaned weakly, leaning into him.

“Dammit, Spock... are there any medical supplies on this thing?” Bones demanded. 

Jaylah nodded, running off to retrieve them as Jim shuffled his boyfriend over to the couch.

“Alright, lie down, okay?” Jim pulled him along gently, getting him onto his back while his head rested on a pillow. “There you go, angel, that’s it.”

Spock’s ears were drooping as he looked up at Jim, the green stain on the side of his shirt getting bigger. Jim smiled gently, brushing some hair out of his eyes.

“How’re we gonna get outta this one, Spock? We got no ship, no crew. Not the best odds.”

“We will do what we have always done,  _ ashayam.  _ We will find hope in the impossible.”

Jim couldn’t help but grin, leaning over and kissing Spock’s forehead.

“Let’s get you patched up first, okay?”

“No, Ji... Captain, you... you must focus your efforts on helping the crew.”

“Well, that’s why I need  _ you  _ around, Spock.”

Spock didn’t respond to that, instead looking past Jim. When he turned, he saw that he was sharing a look with Bones, who glanced at Jim and shrugged.

“These things are from the Dark Ages,” he told him as he walked over with something in his hand. “I’ll do my best, but we’re gonna need better equipment at some point, cause all I can do is hope this works.”

“The miserable have no other medicine but only hope.”

Jim snickered as Bones scoffed.

“Death’s door and he’s quoting Shakespeare. You sure know how to pick ‘em, kid.”

Jim grinned, leaning in and kissing Spock’s temple.

“I sure do. Don’t I, sweetheart?”

Spock sighed in response.

“I am not understanding. Why is he referring to Spock’s heart as sweet? How would he know this?” Jaylah asked.

“Ah, no, lassie, it’s... it’s a term of endearment. They’re lovers, y’see.”

“I do not know what is lover.”

“... Ooh boy. Captain, I know you’re busy-!”

“Uh-uh, Scotty, I haven’t even given  _ Alice  _ the Talk yet, I’m not giving it to someone I barely know!”

Spock laughed, then winced. He was up and walking about an hour later, wearing an old-fashioned Operations uniform. 

“Well, how do we know that Krall’s even where the call came from, huh?” Scotty pointed out. “It could be fake!”

“We don’t even know if they’re still alive!” Bones added.

Jim opened his mouth to reply, then stopped when Spock put a hand on his shoulder.

“Jim. You do not have my mother’s necklace, do you?”

“I- what? No, I don’t, how is that-?”

“Where is it?”

“I...” Jim blinked. “Well, I gave it to Alice before I sent her off with Nyota and Carol. If... if something happened to us...”

Spock nodded, then turned and walked towards Chekov.

“Mr. Chekov, can you reconfigure the search parameters in order to compensate for this formula?”

Spock input something into the computer, and Chekov looked it over.

“Well, yes, but what is it?”

“It is  _ vokaya,  _ Mr. Chekov. A mineral unique to Vulcan which emits low-level radiation.”

“I will have to filter out-!”

“Wait, wait, hold on,” Jim interrupted. “Your father gave your mom  _ radioactive jewelry?  _ Which you then gave to me, and I gave to our child?”

“The emission is harmless, Jim. However, its unique signature makes it very easy to identify.”

“... You gave your boyfriend a  _ tracking device?”  _ Bones asked after a minute.

Spock blinked, the corners of his lips falling.

“... That was not my intention.”

Jim bit back a laugh.

“Well, to be fair, I gave it to Alice, so I think that means I gave  _ our daughter  _ a tracking device.”

“Don’t ever tell her that,” Bones advised. “I’m pretty sure she’d be a little pissed about it.”

The computer started beeping, and Chekov confirmed that Alice’s location matched Kalara’s call. Jim sighed in relief.

“Okay, can we beam them out?”

“No, sir, there is some geological interference that is blocking the transporter signal.”

Jim grimaced, then straightened.

“Then I guess we’re just gonna have to do it the old-fashioned way.”

 

* * *

 

_ Papa! _

Alice’s voice was clear in Spock’s head for the first time all day, but upon turning around he did not see her. 

“They took her, sir,” Marcus told him, pointing into the distance. “Her and Nyota.”

Spock’s grip on his phaser tightened, and he turned to McCoy. 

“Get the crew to safety,” he instructed before running in the direction Marcus had pointed. He managed to get around unnoticed for some time, but found himself ambushed upon turning a corner. He was hit on his right side, the pain causing him to fall, and had his assailants not been disabled by a large rock and a neck pinch respectively, it might have been the end of him.

“Papa!” He heard his daughter cry aloud this time. He had barely opened his eyes before Alice had all but tackled him in a hug. He smiled weakly, wrapping the arm that wasn’t currently holding his side around her.

“Hello, little one.”

“Papa, what are you  _ doing  _ here?” Alice demanded as she got off of him.

“Clearly I am here to rescue you and Lt. Uhura,” he replied as Uhura helped him to his feet.

Alice blinked, then, in a manner very reminiscent of her biological father, started to laugh, shaking her head and running a hand through her hair.

Spock was not sure if it was the pain of his injuries that caused his heart to ache at the sight.

They managed to get to the rest of the group in time, and as they got on the transporter pad, Jim roared past them on the motorcycle, creating a shield of hardened sap thanks to Jaylah’s traps. They were beamed up, and Spock and Alice waited for another three point seven minutes before Jaylah and Jim arrived, falling flat on their faces and groaning.

“Okay, let’s... let’s never do that again.”

“I agree, James T.”

“Daddy!” Alice cried, running into the transporter room and latching onto Jim’s torso just as he stood up. Jim laughed, wrapping his arms around her and bending over to press a kiss into her hair. 

“Hi, buttercup. So, how was I? Wasn’t the motorcycle thing-!”

“Daddy. Not. Now.”

Jim laughed again, shaking his head, and Spock could not resist the urge to rush over to them and envelope his family in an embrace.

“Aw, looks like Papa missed you-!”

_ “Ashayam.  _ Not. Now.”

Jim scoffed.

“Man, I hope the baby likes my jokes, cause I’m otherwise I’m gonna feel pretty outnumbered.”

Spock couldn’t help but smile into his hair.

“Wait, what baby?” He heard McCoy ask.

“The one Daddy and Papa are gonna have through a DNA combination chamber,” Alice answered before Spock or Jim could stop her.

_ “What?!” _

Jim laughed sheepishly

_ Whoops. _

_ They would have found out sooner or later, I suppose... _

 

* * *

 

**2262.06**

Jim watched as the case files on the Franklin were marked “closed” one by one, trying not to wince when the last one, Edison’s, was closed.

“For decades, the Federation taught that he was a hero,” Paris commented. “I guess time will judge us all.”

“He just got lost,” Jim replied.

“You saved this entire base, Kirk. Millions of souls. Thank you.”

“It wasn’t just me. It never is.”

Paris smiled.

“Needless to say, the position of Vice Admiral is yours. No one deserves it more.”

Jim pursed his lips, trying to make it seem like he was thinking about it.

“Vice Admirals don’t fly, do they?”

Paris blinked, then smiled again.

“No. They don’t.”

“Well, no offense, ma’am, but...” Jim grinned. “Where’s the fun in that?”

Paris laughed, shaking her head.

“You would have made quite a Vice Admiral, Captain Kirk. An unconventional one, of course, but a notable one.”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“Well, maybe someday, but... y’know, I don’t think I’m quite through with the stars just yet. I’ve still got some exploring left to do. First contacts to achieve, planets to chart, things to find out that I’m allergic to...” He smiled at her as he left. “And honestly? I don’t know what I’d do without my crew.”

She nodded, turning away as the doors closed. 

Jim hummed all the way back to the hotel, all but skipping down the hall to their suite.

Of course, when he saw the way Spock was staring at something in their bedroom, his good mood evaporated.

“Honey? Spock, what’s the matter?”

Spock’s eyes were wet when he looked up at Jim, and he sniffed, wiping at them as Jim went to sit down next to him.

“I... this was delivered to me when I returned to the hotel. It... it is a box of his possessions.”

Jim didn’t need to ask who he meant. Instead, he turned, looking down at what Spock was holding.

His heart broke a little when he saw it.

“Oh,  _ Spock...” _

He wasn’t sure which one he meant. In Spock’s hands was a photograph of the Enterprise’s crew- the old Spock’s Enterprise. They were all wearing weird red dress uniforms, and they were quite a bit older than they were now. His own counterpart was front and center, brown eyes sparkling with an odd light. The same was true for the Ambassador, even with all the Vulcan stoicism he was showing.

And the old Jim very clearly had a wedding ring on his finger.

Jim swallowed, wiping at his eyes and clearing his throat.

“Y... Y’know, I... while I was, uh,  _ out  _ after Khan, I... I had a weird dream.”

“A... a dream,  _ ashayam?” _

“I’m... I’m not sure what else to call it, but... I was on this Enterprise.” He pointed at his counterpart. “So was he, and so was everyone else but the Ambassador. My counterpart told me about how he and the Ambassador were married, and how he missed him...”

“Jim...”

“I’m... it sounds a little far-fetched, but... but somehow I came out of that dream knowing their wedding vows.” He laced his fingers with Spock’s. “I am by your side, as I always have been and always shall be.”

He looked up at Spock, who was still teary-eyed, but had started smiling a little.

“That... that is quite a dream,  _ ashayam.” _

Jim laughed, leaning his head onto Spock’s shoulders.

“Well, if it  _ wasn’t  _ a dream, then... then I think he’s going to be okay. I think they’re happy to be together again, cause... cause he was waiting for him, all this time.”

Spock turned his head, pressing a kiss into Jim’s hair. They were quiet for a moment, just enjoying each other’s company.

Then guilt started to set in when Jim remembered where he’d just been, what he still hadn’t told Spock. He sighed, sitting up and clearing his throat.

“Spock, there’s... there’s something I need to tell you.”

“Yes?”

“Well, um... it’s, it’s what I wanted to talk to you about earlier, before all of this, um...” He sighed. “I... I got offered a Vice Admiral’s position here. At Yorktown.”

Spock didn’t respond right away, and Jim couldn’t make himself look at him.

“... This was prior to the Krall incident?”

Jim swallowed, then nodded.

“Y... Yeah, I... I just got back from turning them down, but before all of this, I... I was considering it.”

Spock hadn’t let go of his hand, which he took as a good sign.

“I see. What changed your mind?”

Jim snorted.

“You, as usual. This whole mess... it’s funny, but all of this made me realized that I’m not ready to- to stop having adventures with you. Big, running-for-our-lives-style adventures, where I turn to you and you somehow have the perfect remedy to the dilemma of the week, and then Nyota tells us that we’re cute, but we need to stop flirting on the bridge.” Jim smiled up at him. “I’m not ready to give that up just yet.”

After a moment, Spock smiled shyly, leaning in and kissing Jim on the lips.

“I am... I am not quite ready to leave that behind either. I... Jim, there is something I must confess to you as well.”

Jim blinked.

“There is? Oh, right, you said you had something to tell me too... what is it?”

Spock’s Adam’s apple bobbed as he swallowed hard.

“I... after I received the news of the Ambassador’s passing, I had... I decided to continue his work on New Vulcan.”

Jim blinked again, then felt his heart sink.

“You... you were gonna leave Starfleet?”

_ You were gonna leave me? _

“No,” Spock said quickly, bringing Jim’s hand to his chest. “No,  _ ashayam,  _ never you. Starfleet, yes, but never you, I... I had hoped you would come with me.”

“To... to New Vulcan?”

“I had noticed that you had recently become rather unenthusiastic regarding the work of being a captain. Starfleet established an embassy on New Vulcan, and given your record, it would have been a simple matter for you to gain a position there. Alice would have no trouble being accepted into the Vulcan Learning Center given her academic record in homeschooling, and...” Spock cleared his throat, looking a bit embarrassed. “As you can see, I... I put quite a bit of thought into this.”

Jim laughed a little, shaking his head.

“Yeah, you... you really did. And... well, if you’d asked before all this, I probably would have said yes.”

“Then it is fortunate that I did not ask, as it is no longer what I want.”

Jim laughed again, then smirked up at Spock.

“And... just what is it that you want, Mr. Spock?”

Spock’s eyes narrowed, lust coloring those brown eyes.

“At this moment, Captain Kirk?” Spock pushed Jim down, pinning him to their bed. “You.”

Jim laughed, a sound that Spock swallowed up when he kissed him again. He sighed, wrapping his arms around Spock’s neck and letting his legs spread.

He then froze as he remembered something.

“Wait, shit, stop stop stop!”

Jim pushed a confused Spock off of him, the latter watching curiously as he stripped out of his uniform.

“Jim, I would be happy to do that for you-!”

“Nope, we’re not having sex right now!”

Spock blinked again, then arched an eyebrow.

“I respect your choice to revoke consent,  _ t’hy’la,  _ but this is a rather rapid departure from-!”

“Spock, we’re going to have sex  _ later.  _ Right now, you need to put on something that isn’t your uniform!”

“Why would I-!”

Jim tossed a patterned button up at Spock.

“Come on, hurry, they’ll kill us if we’re late!” 

“I have no idea what you are referring to,  _ ashayam!”  _ Spock called as Jim ran into the bathroom.

“You’ll see!”

He heard Spock grumble, and even with the promise that he’d know soon, his boyfriend still kept questioning him all the way to their destination.

“Come on, come on, we’re late!” 

Spock arched an eyebrow as Jim pulled him along.

“I still do not understand why you are in such a rush, Jim.”

“That’s cause it’s a surprise, babe!” Jim grinned as he reached a door to a small building. “Okay, first, I know Vulcans are weird about this kind of thing, but the crew was  _ really  _ excited about it and I think we owe them a little fun.”

Spock’s eyebrow arched higher.

“I am unsure of your meaning.”

“Well...” He grinned again, then pulled Spock inside.

“Happy birthday!” The crew (plus Alice, Jaylah, Demora and Ben) shouted, raising glasses of everything from alcohol to a purple-y soda to a glass of apple juice.

Spock blinked.

“... Today is my birthday.”

Jim snickered.

“You forgot, huh?”

“It has been a rather busy few days,  _ ashayam.  _ Also, Vulcans do not celebrate their birthdays.”

“Well, it’s kind of a joint party for both of us. Y’know, since mine was two days ago, but we never got to celebrate.” Jim got up on his toes, kissing Spock on the cheek. “Besides, what else have you got to do?”

“There  _ is  _ a report that requires my attention.”

Jim frowned.

“Would you rather do that?”

After a moment, Spock smiled just a little bit.

“I believe it would be more pleasing to engage with you socially.”

Jim snorted, reaching up and rubbing the  _ vokaya  _ crystal between his fingers.

“You old romantic.”

“Happy birthday, Dad and Papa!” Alice all but shouted, bounding up to them with a gift in her hands. “This is for you! Open it, open it!”

“Aw, honey, I think we should at least wait for cake-!”

“Dad, I’ve spent the last fifteen minutes keeping this out of Demora’s hands. If you don’t open it, she will.”

Jim blinked, then shrugged, tearing off the wrapping paper and opening the box to find...

“Oh.”

Jim could feel Spock’s surprise as he held up the gift, which turned out to be a Command gold onesie with a Starfleet insignia in the same place as their uniforms.

“Uncle Bones helped me pick it out. He got you a Sciences blue one,” Alice explained, grinning mischievously.

“... Kiddo, you know we’re not having the baby for a little while, right?”

Alice shrugged.

“I know, but the crew doesn’t. Bet you’re gonna find a  _ lot  _ of baby stuff in your presents.”

Jim resisted the urge to groan as Alice skipped off.

“Great, so I guess our joint birthday party is also a baby shower. For a kid we haven’t even conceived yet.”

Spock didn’t reply, and when Jim turned, his gaze was trained on the onesie.

“Babe? Hello?”

Spock blinked, looking over at Jim.

“I apologize, dear one, were you saying something?”

Jim grinned, leaning up and kissing his boyfriend on the cheek.

“I was just saying that I hope David likes Command gold.”

With that, Jim left a rather flustered Spock to go make sure Jaylah didn’t drink all the alcohol.

 

* * *

 

The rest of the party passed by in a blur. As Alice predicted, there was indeed a lot of baby supplies mixed in with their gifts, and Jim was pretty sure he saw Bones laughing at him out of the corner of his eye. Eventually, though, everyone else went back to their hotels, leaving Alice asleep on the sofa while Jim and Spock looked up at their new ship.

“She’ll be ready in about a year and a half, they tell me,” Jim commented. “We’re supposed to ship out, spend the remainder of our mission on her.”

“I have heard they are rebuilding the ship with families in mind. It should be somewhat larger overall, with more family-style quarters.”

“Bet Sulu’s gonna be happy about that.”

“Indeed. The addition of more families on the Enterprise will be a benefit to us as well, since by my calculations David will be born around a year from now.”

Jim laughed.

“First Starfleet baby raised solely in space. We tend to make a lot of history, huh?”

“Indeed.” 

They were both quiet for a moment, watching as the ship was put together.

“... Jim.”

“Yeah?”

“I... there is one other thing I wish to occur in the next year.”

Jim blinked, turning to Spock.

“What is... it...?”

Jim’s heart stopped when he saw Spock.

Mostly because his boyfriend had gone down on one knee, and there was something in his hand.

“I was informed that this is the custom for Humans.” Spock looked a little nervous. “Is... is that correct?”

Jim swallowed, only able to nod in response.

“V... Very well. I... um.” Spock swallowed, revealing what he had in his hand- Jim’s eyes started to well up when he realized that it was his mother’s engagement ring. “When I informed your mother of my intent to spend the rest of my life with you last year, she... she gave me this.”

“Y-You’ve been holding onto this since Valentine’s Day  _ last year?” _

Spock blushed.

“It... it did not seem like the right time to ask at any point until now...”

Jim laughed, wiping at his eyes. 

“Oh,  _ Spock...” _

“I... I do not know what to say to you now. I do not know if there is anything I could say that I have not already said thousands of times before.” Spock looked up at him, and his own eyes were a little bright. “So I will simply say this. James Tiberius Kirk, you are my  _ t’hy’la,  _ the other half of my heart and soul. You are everything and more to me, and I wish nothing more out of life than to stay by your side. You are already my husband by Vulcan standards, but... will you marry me in keeping with Terran customs?”

Jim was grinning ear to ear as he nodded, taking a step towards Spock and crouching down before closing the distance between them.

_ “Yes,”  _ he breathed against Spock’s lips, still grinning. 

Spock was grinning too, tears spilling from his eyes.

“Y... You... truly? You are agreeing to-!”

_ “Spock.  _ Of  _ course  _ I’ll marry you in, in ‘accordance with Terran customs!’” He kissed him again. “I don’t... I can’t imagine spending my life with anyone else.”

“N-Nor can I...”

Jim laughed, pressing their foreheads together as Spock slipped the ring on his finger.

“I love you, Spock,” he whispered, kissing him again. “I love you so, so much.”

Spock took his left hand in his, raising it to his lips and pressing a kiss to his knuckles.

“I love you in return, as I shall do for all of my days-!”

Just then, someone shrieked, and they both jumped. Alice was looking at them, grinning from ear to ear and bouncing on her toes.

“You’re getting married!” She squealed. “The fancy way, I mean!”

Jim laughed, nodding as he stood up.

“Yup.”

“I gotta tell Nana about this!”

“Yeah- wait, no! She’ll tell the whole Fleet before we can inform the Admiralty! Alice! Come back!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What can I say, I'm a sucker for proposal scenes. 
> 
> Anyway, just one chapter left to go now- the epilogue, which will include the wedding reception, David's birth, and a scene in the distant future!
> 
> Well, not really distant- it's in 2280. 
> 
> Thanks to everyone who's read and left kudos and such sweet comments! They really do make my day. 
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!


	13. Chapter 13

**2262.48**

“Just stay in the house, Dad!”

Jim stumbled as he was pushed into the house, turning around just as the door was slammed shut.

“What happened, kiddo?” His mom asked from her place on the sofa with Amanda.

“Well, I suggested fake marigolds instead of fake roses, and now my eight-year-old has barred me from planning my own wedding.”

Amanda and his mom shared a look, then started laughing.

“Yeah, yeah, yuk it up,” Jim muttered, scratching I-Chaya behind the ears when she walked up to him. “I’ll get back at her when it comes to planning  _ her  _ wedding someday.”

Of course, getting back at Alice during the planning phases of her wedding may involve nearly starting an interplanetary conflict with Kang, but still.

“What are you two up to, anyway?”

“Well, since the kiddo and Nyota are taking care of the wedding, we’ve been reminiscing about our little boys,” Jim’s mom told him.

“Which is mostly just comparing baby pictures,” Amanda admitted.

“... Who’s baby pictures?”

“At the moment? Spock’s.”

“Then I want in,” Jim said as he walked over to the couch. Amanda laughed, scooting over and patting the seat next to her before turning the PADD towards him. A smile erupted over Jim’s face as he saw the photo they were on- a picture of a one-year-old Spock being carried around by the back of his onesie by an old sehlat. “Oh my god.”

“I-Chaya- the first one, I mean- used to do it all the time when he was a baby. He was such a good babysitter.”

“I’m gonna need like, ten thousand copies of this.”

Amanda laughed, then swiped across the PADD to the left. 

“Oh, looks like this one’s a video...”

She tapped the image, and the image of a ten-year-old Sybok with a lute that Jim was sure he’d seen before appeared. 

_ “Well I don’t know why I came here tonight, I got the feeling that something ain’t right...” _

“I didn’t know Sybok could sing,” Jim commented as the song played on.

“Oh, he’d sing all the time. Used to drive his father...” 

Amanda trailed off, and Jim saw her face fall as she stopped the video.

“Mandy...” Jim’s mom murmured, putting a hand on her shoulder.

“I... sorry, I’m just... it’s already been four years, but...” Amanda smiled ruefully, shaking her head. “Sometimes it feels like it was only yesterday that...”

Jim’s mom took Amanda’s hand, then pulled her close.

“It’s alright, Mandy. It’s alright...”

She gave Jim a look, and Jim cleared his throat, suddenly feeling like he was intruding on something extremely private.

“I, uh... I think I’ll go... see what Spock and Sybok are doing at the market.”

His mom nodded, and Jim nodded back before he all but high-tailed it out of the house. 

He’d gotten somewhat used to the sunlight of New Vulcan in the weeks they’d been here to get ready for the wedding. It was still a lot harsher than what he was used to on Earth, in Iowa and in San Francisco, but it was a lot easier to handle as he drove down the desert roads to the market. 

“Jim!” 

He turned, smiling at Sybok as he got off of his bike. Spock’s brother had been doing much better since he’d been in therapy- he was happier, and his grooming had gotten better, his beard neatly trimmed and his hair braided down his back. 

He’d also made history by proving that it was possible to get through  _ pon farr  _ by meditating- he’d gone into a deep trance shortly after his thirty-seventh birthday, and even though he’d apparently shown a few symptoms, he’d emerged completely healthy a week later, and a doctor stated that he’d definitely gone through  _ pon farr  _ and resolved it.

Allegedly, Sybok had shouted, “take  _ that,  _ biology, I never have to have sex again!  _ I win!”  _ upon that confirmation, but Jim had yet to ask if that was true.

“Hey, Sybok, what’s up?”

“Well, I’m not totally sure- I think this is one of the blanks in my memory- but Spock and I ran into these three Vulcans around the same age as him, and they’ve been arguing for like, twenty minutes, and I think Spock’s getting really agitated cause he’s been tapping his fingers against his back and-!”

“Sybok. Breathe.”

Sybok took a deep breath.

“S-Sorry, sorry, just... I don’t have any specific memories about these guys, but I feel like they weren’t exactly Spock’s best friends...”

Jim sighed, tucking his helmet under his arm.

“Yeah, considering what I know about Spock’s childhood, I’m willing to bet you’re right about that. Where is he?”

Sybok took him over to a market stall. Spock and three other Vulcans were standing in front of it, and while none of them were anything but the picture of Vulcan stoicism, Spock’s fingers were indeed twitching. 

“... perhaps your mate does not realize just how difficult it will be to be wed to-!”

“There you are!” Jim interrupted, running up to Spock’s side before the other Vulcan could say something that would either really hurt his fiance or get himself punched in the face. “I’ve been looking all over for you!”

“Jim?” Spock asked, seeming confused. “I thought you were overseeing the preparations for our wedding.”

“Yeah, Alice kinda kicked me out.” Jim gave the other three Vulcans his best “I’m a charming captain of a starship” smile and flashing them the  _ ta’al. “T’nar pak sorat y’rani.  _ I’m Captain James T. Kirk, USS Enterprise. And who might you be?”

The three introduced themselves as Sepek, Sofek, and Stark, and Spock told him that they were old classmates of his.

The tiny, barely audible twinge of hurt in his voice told Jim just what sort of classmates these three were. Jim’s smile became even more forced.

“I see. Well, I can’t say that Spock’s ever mentioned you three, although I’m not surprised.”

_ T’hy’la, what are you doing? _

_ Just go with me on this one, sweetheart. _

“Clarify your meaning,” Sepek requested.

“Well, it’s just that I don’t personally see the logic in dwelling on people that my fiance clearly outpaced.”

“Outpaced?”

Jim smirked, folding his hands behind his back.

“Yeah, the way I see it, Spock’s always been so much smarter than you. That’s why you three were cruel to him, even if it was illogical, and in fact telling of your own inabilities to control yourselves.”

“We are Vulcans,” Stark countered. “Unlike him, we do not possess the traits that led to his inferior emotional control.”

“Inferior, huh? Let’s look at the facts- as far as I know, Spock only ever lashed out at you the one time, when he was seven. However, you continued to taunt him all throughout your youth, trying to get an emotional reaction out of him. Tell me, what was the logic in that?”

“It was logical to prove that he is inferior, as to affirm our own superiority,” Sofek replied.

“Yeah, no, I, I really don’t think it was  _ logic  _ fueling your actions, boys. If you were as secure in your superiority as you claim, then logically, it wouldn’t matter that Spock was inferior.” He smirked again. “And the reason that you couldn’t be secure in your superiority? Because your claim that he’s inferior to you is demonstrably false. Spock is more intelligent than you, as records indicate that the only person ever to receive higher scores in academics than him is his own sister, the Human Michael Burnham. Spock is more distinguished than you, not only in that he helped stop the madman who destroyed your world and two others, and has been a part of countless first contacts, but in that he was Starfleet Academy’s youngest instructor ever, as well as achieving the rank of Grandmaster in three-D chess, something recognized throughout the Federation and even by a few Klingons- and yes, I asked. And there’s one thing Spock’s done that you will probably never do- he’s found his  _ t’hy’la,  _ which, if I’m understanding it all correctly, is almost impossible to do.”

The three Vulcans were silent, but Jim had spent enough time around Vulcans to know that they were probably boiling with rage inside.

“So, to recap, there’s really no empirical evidence that Spock is a lesser Vulcan. In fact, I think it’s pretty clear that he’s just as much of a Vulcan as you three are, if not more.” Jim shrugged. “But what do I know? I’m just a Human, after all.”

“... Spock. You should learn to control your mate,” Sepek finally responded, his voice clearly carefully neutral.

“Sepek, as I have learned in the past four years, I can either be the First Officer of the USS Enterprise, control my mate, or attend to our daughter, Alice. I cannot possibly do all three, and the last two options have proven time and time again to be impossible tasks.” Spock held out two fingers, and Jim grinned as he pressed his own against them. “Nor do I find it necessary, in this case, to control him, as he has not said anything that is untrue. Perhaps you three should meditate on the possibility that you may not be as in control of your emotions as you claimed.”

Sepek actually  _ spluttered  _ at that, and Jim bit back a snicker.

“You are as illogical as you were in childhood, Spock,” Stark all but spat at him.

“Perhaps, but if that is the case, then I have made my peace with it. I suggest you attempt to do the same.” Spock removed his hand from Jim’s, parting his fingers in the  _ ta’al,  _ although Jim could have sworn that his middle finger was a little farther from his pointer than usual.  _ “Dif-tor heh smusma dom.” _

Though they were clearly still outraged, the three Vulcans responded in kind, turning away and all but storming off. As soon as he was sure they were out of earshot, Jim started to laugh.

“Oh,  _ man,  _ that was  _ priceless!  _ I swear, I thought their heads were gonna explode!”

“That is physically impossible, but I must admit that I did find some pleasure in their reactions.” Spock stepped closer to him, reaching up and touching his face. “Do you have any other obligations this afternoon?”

Jim blinked.

“Uh... well, our daughter kinda banned me from helping with the wedding, so I’ve got no plans. Why?”

“Because I find that I would very much like to return to our hotel room and remain there until at least dinner time.”

Jim blinked, then grinned, leaning up to kiss him.

“... So, uh, should I just walk home, or...?”

Jim squawked, and Spock’s ears drooped as they turned to a rather amused Sybok.

“Wh- How long have you been standing there?”

“I’ve been here the whole time. D’you think I could become a spy? No one ever notices me, so I’m sure I could use that to my advantage.”

 

* * *

 

**2262.104**

“We’re married,” Jim whispered to him for the thirteenth time that day, grinning as he pressed his fingers against Spock’s. 

“I know,  _ ashayam,”  _ Spock told him as they turned to the music. 

“We’re married. You married me.”

“I did.”

“You married me in front of all our friends and family. And T’Pau. And  _ T’Pol,  _ I can’t believe she came to our wedding!”

“I was present at the ceremony,  _ t’nash-veh adun.  _ It was but thirty point two seven minutes ago.”

Jim laughed, leaning up and kissing Spock on the lips as the music ended.

“I love you, Spock.”

“I love you in return. Now, I believe that Alice wished to dance with you after I did.”

Jim laughed again, squeezing Spock’s hand before walking over to their daughter and offering his hand to her with a flourish. Spock’s lips quirked upward as he walked over to the porch, watching as his bondmate and child spun around on the dance floor.

“They are very close, are they not?”

Spock could not help but raise both eyebrows as he turned.

“Indeed.  _ Amsetri tre,  _ Commander T’Pol.”

_ “Nemaiyo,  _ Commander Spock. I am honored to be in the presence of the one who brought Nero to justice.”

“That was as much my bondmate’s doing as it was my own, Commander.”

“Then I am honored to be in the presence of you both.” T’Pol glanced up at him, and if Spock did not know better, he would have thought she was  _ smiling.  _ “It is futile to protest, Spock. I am far too old and too stubborn to give up.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow, but decided she was right, looking back at the dance floor. After a moment, he glanced at T’Pol; tracing her gaze revealed that she was looking at Alice.

“She is very lively, is she not?”

“Indeed. I believe it is her biological father’s influence, although I am uncertain, as I never knew her mother.”

T’Pol hummed.

“... Illogical as it may be, I have often wondered in the past what Elizabeth would have become had she lived.”

Spock did not ask who Elizabeth was- the name “Elizabeth T’Les Tucker” had been repeated in hushed tones to his parents hundreds of times in his childhood.

_ “Tushah nash-veh k’odu.” _

T’Pol glanced up at him.

“To hear that from you is... strange. When I learned of your birth, I was... it was a difficult moment. I knew that it had not been easy for your parents to conceive, but... you were healthy. You lived, you grew, you became an adult.” She looked away. “Things that Elizabeth was never able to do.”

“... I cannot imagine what that must be like for you.”

T’Pol sighed.

“It was... it is still difficult. She was only in my life for a few days, and I did not carry her, but... she was still dear to me, as was her father. I still regret that our relationship ended because we could not overcome her loss.” She was silent for a moment, and Spock noted that her eyes had moved to Jim, who was laughing as he twirled Alice around. “Your bondmate reminds me of Charles in many ways.”

“I have heard that Commander Tucker was a very well-liked and intelligent man, which does sound like Jim.”

“He was also stubborn and prone to emotional outbursts.”

Spock’s lips quirked upward.

“That also sounds like Jim.”

T’Pol’s eyes lit up with amusement.

“I believe Charles would have liked you as well, Commander. Though he may also have attempted to convince you to try a variety of Terran foods, notably ones based on peaches.”

“That sounds more like Dr. McCoy.”

T’Pol clearly smiled then.

“I wish you happiness with your bondmate. And yes, I do mean happiness.” She held up her hand in the  _ ta’al.  _ “Live long and prosper, Spock.”

“Peace and long life, T’Pol.”

She looked amused once more.

“I have already lived quite a long life, Commander, but I will accept your wish of peace.”

Spock watched as she walked away, then felt a tug on his arm.

“Papa! Your turn, you have to dance with me now!”

Spock allowed himself to smile down at his daughter, offering his free hand.

“May I have this dance, little one?”

Alice grinned, then pulled him onto the dance floor once more.

 

* * *

 

**2263.32**

The screaming started the second that the surgeon cut through the artificial womb. 

“He does not appear to be happy to be born,” Spock commented as they watched their son be removed from the chamber, his voice thick with emotion. Jim laughed, shaking his head as he laced his fingers with his husband’s.

“Yeah, well, he was probably pretty happy in there, all warm and cozy. Now he has to deal with all these people and- and being cold.” He sniffed, wiping his eyes a little. “We have a son.”

“Yes.”

“H-He’s, he’s here, I...” He grinned up at Spock, leaning up and kissing him. “He’s finally here.”

Spock squeezed his hand just as the door to the OR opened.

“Alright, daddies,” the nurse said with a smile as she carried a little blue bundle over to him. “Are you ready to meet your little boy?”

Jim laughed wetly, holding out his arms to take the baby from her. The bundle fussed, but quickly settled against Jim’s chest.

“Hi,” he whispered as the blanket fell back a little to reveal a pointed ear. “Hi, buddy, I’m... I’m your daddy.”

The baby yawned, snuggling into Jim’s chest.

“Oh, I know, being born is  _ exhausting.  _ You must be tired, huh?” Jim glanced up at Spock. “When’s, uh, when’s the best time to establish the bond?”

Spock smiled, moving his arm to help support their son.

“Put your hand to his meld points,” he instructed. Jim did so, though it was a little difficult since their baby was just so  _ tiny,  _ even at a week past term for Humans. “It should begin forming right away, although since he is only a quarter-Vulcan-!”

Jim blinked, his eyebrows rising when he felt- well, it was was sort of like a  _ spark  _ in the back of his head. It wasn’t painful, but it was... a lot faster than the first time he’d done this.

“Uh... I think I feel it.” He closed his eyes, searching for the bond and finding it easily, strong and stable despite how new it was. “Y-Yeah, there it is... is it normally that fast with a newborn?”

“It... no, not normally. Considering that he is only a quarter-Vulcan, it should have taken longer, unless...”

“Unless what?”

“It is possible... do you recall the psychologist we had aboard the Enterprise two years ago?”

“Miranda Jones? Of course I remember, it’s not everyday that you meet a blind... telepath...” Jim blinked, his eyes going wide. “W... Wait, you don’t think...?”

“I am currently unable to form any other hypotheses. However, since he is but five point three two minutes old, I cannot properly test that theory.”

Jim laughed, shaking his head before leaning down and kissing their son’s forehead.

“Hear that, little guy? Papa thinks you might be even more special than we thought.” He looked up at Spock. “Speaking of which, babe, I think it’s your turn to get linked.”

Spock blinked, his eyes softening when he took their son from Jim’s arms. He stared at him for a moment, unblinking, as if he were afraid to look away.

“He’s not going to disappear, sweetheart,” Jim said gently. “He’s here. He’s real, and he’s your son.”

Spock’s eyes crinkled a bit, and he shifted their son around, tracing the curve of a pointed ear gently before placing it on his meld points.

“... You are correct, that was fast.”

Jim laughed, leaning over and resting his head on Spock’s shoulder.

“Hello,” he heard Spock say quietly. “I am your father.”

Jim snorted.

“What are you, Darth Vader? We’re not naming him Luke, y’know.”

Spock glanced at him, eyebrow arched.

“I am aware. We agreed on his name approximately one point-!”

“Kidding, honey, I’m kidding.” He grinned as their son opened his eyes for a split second. “He’s got your eyes... and ears.”

To his surprise, Spock laughed a bit at that, his eyes glistening as he looked over at Jim.

“I love you, Jim.”

Jim beamed up at him, kissing him gently.

“I love you too.” His gaze drifted back to the baby. “And we both love you,  _ k’nurt.” _

“... Did you just refer to our child as a small Vulcan rodent?”

“They look like bunnies!” Jim protested. “Bunnies are cute!”

“He is a newborn, not a rabbit-!”

Someone cleared their throat at the door, and Jim turned to see Alice, who was standing in the doorway and looking a bit nervous.

He smiled at her encouragingly.

“Hey, buttercup. Guess who’s here?”

“The... the nurse told me...” She shifted her feet a little. “Can... can I...?”

Jim pretended to think about it as he exchanged a look with his husband.

“Well... oh, of course you can, Alice. C’mere.”

Alice still looked nervous as she walked over to them, her hands clasped behind her back and her eyes wide. Spock kneeled down, angling his arms so that Alice could see the baby.

“Alice,” he started gently, “this is your little brother, David.”

Alice blinked once, then twice, then three times before her eyes suddenly welled up.

“Wh-! Buttercup, what’s the matter? We told you, we love you and him just the same-!”

“I... I know...” Alice interrupted, sniffling and wiping at her eyes. “I just... I-I didn’t think I was gonna love him so much this fast...!”

Jim blinked, then started laughing softly, pulling Alice into his arms.

About ten minutes later, once Alice had calmed down and they’d told the nurse David’s full name- which took a little longer than expected, since Spock insisted on writing down the Vulcan parts of his name- they allowed the first group into the room, which consisted of Amanda, Jim’s mom, and Bones.

Amanda, of course, got first crack at holding her newborn grandson, and she noted that he looked exactly like Spock- with the exception of the fact that he was born with a full head of hair, while Spock had been as bald as Professor X when he was born.

“So, what’s Hobgoblin Junior’s full name?” Bones asked.

“While David is named after several individuals, neither Jim nor myself are one of them, therefore making it unnecessary to include a ‘junior,’ in his name.”

Bones rolled his eyes as he turned to Jim.

“Okay, well, what’s the kid’s name?”

Jim grinned a little.

“Well, it’s a little long. His name is David Leonard Selek S’Chn T’Gai Kirk.”

Bones blinked, his face contorting slightly as his eyes welled up. 

“Aw, Bones, don’t cry.”

“Well what the hell  _ else  _ am I supposed to do?” Bones protested, wiping at his eyes before pulling Jim into a hug. “Dammit, kid, I’m too old for this kinda sappy shit... kid’s gonna be twelve before he can pronounce his full name.”

“I’ll teach him!” Alice piped up. “I’ll teach him how to talk, and walk, and...”

Jim laughed as she rambled on excitedly, almost blown away by how much Alice already loved her little brother.

He hoped they’d always stay this way.

 

* * *

 

**2280.271**

“Daaaaaad...”

Jim looked up from his PADD, quirking an eyebrow.

“Yes, bunny?”

The tips of David’s ears turned green as he frowned indignantly.

“Dad, I’m  _ seventeen,  _ I’m too old for you to call me that!”

Jim hummed, waving dismissively as he looked back at his PADD.

“You’re too old for bunny, Alice is too old for buttercup, and I’m too old not to be nostalgic for when you two weren’t too old. Need something?”

“Yeah, tell Alice to quit calling me! I’m trying to study for my Advanced Navigation test on Friday!” David pouted. “Can’t you convince Uncle Pavel to go easy on us?”

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“Kiddo, a snowball’s got a better chance on New Vulcan than I do of convincing Chekov to do anything. I’m not his commanding officer anymore, remember? Now, I’ll call Alice, you get back to studying, alright?”

David rolled his eyes, turning around and closing the door to Jim’s office without touching it.

“No telekinesis in the house, bunny!”

He heard David groan, which made him chuckle as he dialed Alice’s comm number. Her face popped up on the screen a moment later, and he grinned.

“Hey, buttercup. David tells me you’re driving him hopping mad, is that true?”

Alice rolled her eyes and scoffed.

_ “You’re not funny, Dad.” _

“Some people think I’m hilarious.”

_ “Some people who aren’t your children, your husband, extended family members, or the crew of the USS Enterprise.” _

Jim pouted.

“Everybody’s a critic... anyway, what’re you bugging your little brother for?”

Alice quirked an eyebrow.

_ “I should think you remember, since it was kind of an important moment in your relationship with Papa.” _

Jim blinked, then furrowed his brow, thinking for a moment before realizing what she meant.

“Oh! Oh, is that today? Geez, has it really already been twenty years?”

_ “Yup. You just left about... thirty minutes ago, and since David went and tattled on me, I’m guessing the timeline’s still intact.”  _ A little bit of melancholy shined in Alice’s eyes.  _ “You... you guys were so young back then...” _

Jim laughed a little.

“Yeah, well, that’s cause I was  _ your  _ age, kid. The onslaught of time had not yet... well, given me gray hair and made me fat.”

_ “You’re not fat, Dad. You’re a healthy weight for a man your age.” _

“Pretty sure that’s a nice way of saying I’m fat. Don’t worry, buttercup, I’ve made my peace with it, and it’s better than being on the other end.” He grinned at the screen. “Besides, your Papa’s still attracted to me, so who cares what anyone else thinks?”

Alice blinked, then made a face.

_ “Dad, ew.” _

“Hey, come on, we may not be as young as we used to be, but that doesn’t mean that our love life is-!”

_ “Dad! Gross-a-rooney!” _

“Aren’t you twenty-seven?”

_ “Aren’t you  _ forty _ -seven?” _

Jim was about to respond, but paused instead.

_ “What?” _

“Nothing, just... deja-vu, I guess. Anyway, everything’s fine here. How’re things out there?”

Alice shrugged.

_ “Well, I just spent four hours making sure Uncle Scotty doesn’t figure out warp eleven sixteen years early, so there’s no way I’m gonna be able to finish cleaning up the ink monster mess today. Although, I guess I could make an ensign do it...” _

“Now, Alice, remember what happened the last time.”

_ “Hey, it’s not my fault that the kid was a crybaby!” _

Jim laughed, shaking his head.

“Well, it sounds like you’ve got your work cut out for ya, huh, kid?”

Alice shrugged, then gave him an odd look.

_ “Dad?” _

“Yeah?”

_ “Do you... do you ever miss it? Being up in space, I mean.” _

Jim blinked, then smiled, shaking his head.

“Nah. Well, sometimes, but... I think I should spend a little time with my feet on the ground before I head back up there. Two five-year-missions is a lot, y’know? Besides, your papa’s got his mentorships and courses, and I’m not going back out without him.”

Alice smiled a little, then blinked and groaned when an alarm went off somewhere.

_ “Aw, fuck, that’s the nacelles again... sorry, Dad, gotta go.” _

“I get it. Go save the Enterprise.” He smiled again. “I love you, buttercup.”

Jim half-expected her to protest, but instead, she smiled.

_ “Love you too, Daddy. Kirk out.” _

The screen blipped out just as the door to Jim’s office opened again. Jim grinned, getting up from his desk and walking over to his husband.

“Hey, you,” he said quietly before leaning up for a kiss.

“Hello,  _ ashayam.  _ How was work today?”

“Well, being Chief of Starfleet Operations is a big job, and...”

Spock quirked an eyebrow.

“... boring. It was very boring, and it involved even more paperwork than usual because Nyota’s chief engineer claimed he figured out warp 12, although I’m skeptical since it seems to involve setting up two warp engines across from each other and putting them both on full blast. Which, y’know, no.” He smiled at Spock. “How’s the Academy?”

“Cadets Valeris and Tuvok are both performing admirably in their courses, although David was correct when he raised his suspicions that Cadet Tuvok was having difficulty adjusting to the environment of Starfleet Academy.”

“Really? What’s the problem?”

Spock’s lips quirked upward.

“According to him, the egocentric nature of Humans.”

Jim blinked, then scowled.

“If he keeps that up, I might have to recommend he gets assigned to the  _ Excelsior  _ when he graduates.”

Spock arched an eyebrow.

“Captain Sulu has shown a proficiency in helping other races adjust to being around Humans, but I do not think that is what you had in mind.”

Jim grinned.

“Actually, I was thinking that Commander Rand is still  _ mean.  _ She’d have him straightened out in no time.”

Spock’s eyes twinkled in amusement as he leaned down to kiss Jim’s forehead.

“You were speaking to Alice when I came in?”

“Ah, yeah, I was. Guess what today is?”

“World Rabies Day.”

Jim blinked, looking up at his husband with an arched eyebrow.

“Uh, what?”

“Today is stardate 2280.271, or September 28th, 2280 according to the Gregorian calendar. September 28th is also the anniversary of the date of Louis Pasteur’s death. Since Dr. Pasteur, along with his colleagues, developed the first efficacious rabies vaccine, the date was chosen by the Global Alliance for Rabies Control as the date to hold events as part of an awareness campaign against the disease.”

Jim blinked, then snorted.

“Okay, well, thank you for the trivia, but no, I meant something more personal, Mr. Eidetic Memory Man.”

Spock quirked an eyebrow, then blinked.

“... Ah. Today is the anniversary of the day we began our romantic relationship.”

“Yup.” Jim grinned up at him, then kissed him. “Happy anniversary, babe.”

“I would think that the anniversary of our wedding day would supersede this.”

“Hey, this is still an important day!” Jim smirked impishly. “It’s the day I found out that a smoking hot Vulcan wanted to get into my pants.”

Spock blinked again, then turned a delightful shade of green.

“That... that is true, although I believe that was not the only thing you gleaned from our meld. Additionally, I should point out that we do not wear the same pants size,  _ t’hy’la.” _

Jim laughed, throwing his arms around Spock’s neck.

“You know that’s not what that means, sweetheart.”

“Perhaps.” Spock leaned in, kissing him again. “But I still believe I would like you to elaborate on your meaning.”

Jim grinned against his husband’s lips.

“Why, Commodore Spock, are you trying to seduce me?”

“I should think that is obvious, Admiral Kirk.”

Jim laughed, kissing Spock one last time before pushing on his chest.

“After dinner, alright? Left to his own devices our son may eat everything in the fridge.”

Spock’s eyes darkened slightly, and Jim yelped when he felt a familiar pair of hands squeeze his ass.

“I will be purchasing more groceries within the next two days,  _ ashayam.  _ I do not see the issue.”

For half a second, Jim didn’t either, but he managed to regain enough of his will-power to shake his head.

“Nuh-uh, that’s not gonna work.”

“What is not going to work?”

“Acting like you do right before your  _ pon farr  _ starts. I happen to know that there’s nearly six months left before that happens, so I know that you  _ can,  _ in fact, wait.”

After twenty years, Jim had learned to recognize the way that the corners of Spock’s mouth were drooping was his version of a pout. He laughed, shaking his head.

“I’m making plomeek soup for dinner.”

Spock’s ears twitched in interest.

“With-!”

“With pla-savas juice. Plus, I think we still have some prusah kisan, unless you really just can’t wait-!”

“I am fine with waiting until after we have had dessert.”

Jim laughed.

“I don’t know what that says about my skills as a chef. Or as a lover.”

“Your skill in both is equal, as well as advanced.”

“Oh? And what about my skills as a starship commander?”

“They are excellent as well, although I have not seen them in action for far longer than I have in the other two cases.”

Jim laughed again, then smiled up at Spock.

He then frowned, clearing his throat. 

“Spock?”

“Yes?”

“... do you ever miss it?”

He could feel Spock’s surprise.

“To what are you referring?”

“Y’know, space. Being up there, out there, exploring strange new worlds, seeking out new life, and new civilizations-!”

“To boldly go where no one has gone before?” Spock interrupted, eyebrow quirked. “I am familiar with the Captain’s Oath,  _ ashayam.” _

Jim chuckled, leaning forward and resting his head on Spock’s shoulder.

“Well, you know what I mean. Do you?”

“Occasionally. I did spend over a decade of my life in space, after all, and I often still find it odd to wake each morning to the sun rising rather than the endless darkness of space.” He smiled. “But then I turn and see you asleep in our bed, and I am reminded that neither Earth, nor New Vulcan, nor the Enterprise is my home.”

Spock cupped Jim’s face as he leaned forward to kiss Jim’s forehead, and Jim grinned, putting his hands on Spock’s chest.

“Spock...”

“My home is wherever you are,  _ t’hy’la.  _ Therefore, I am content to be here, as I would follow you wherever you may go.”

“Just beyond the next planet, just beyond the next star?” Jim suggested.

“As I do not care where we go, it does not much matter where we end up,” Spock replied. Jim snorted in response.

“We’re quoting old children’s books at each other. We must be getting old.”

“I am fifty years of age, and you are forty-seven.”

“Oh, you know what I mean.” Jim kissed his husband one last time. “I’d follow you anywhere too, you know.”

Spock smiled.

“I know.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> And they all lived happily ever after... until the Borg showed up, anyway. There are many consequences to Spock and Nero's actions, and one of them is the Borg coming early.   
> (Everyone's fine, nobody got assimilated.)  
> (Nobody we knew, anyway.)
> 
> Anyway, our story has come to a close! I may come back to revisit this series- there are a few ideas I didn't get around to, and surprisingly the Animated Series has some interesting- if poorly animated to the point that I wanna cry while watching it- episodes. For now, however, this is where I leave you. Thank you all so much for sticking with me here, I had a lot of fun exploring this universe!
> 
> Guest Starring:  
> Commander T'Pol- Jolene Blalock (in the old lady makeup from "E-Squared," I've been watching a lot of Enterprise and I kinda adore her? Though I do wish they'd done less male-gazey shots with her. And let her hook up with both Hoshi and Trip, but that was before the timeline shift so)
> 
> Vulcan to English:  
> Dif-tor heh smusma dom- Live long and prosper  
> T'nash-veh adun- my husband  
> Amsetri tre- Your presence honors us  
> Prusah kisan- Vulcan dessert kind of like a fruit custard pie, but with no eggs
> 
> Comments are always appreciated!


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